


Almost Forever

by AkuChibi



Series: Almost Living [3]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Anal Sex, Blood and Torture, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Past Abuse, Romance, Soul Bond, War, memory sharing, more tags to come
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-12
Updated: 2017-01-28
Packaged: 2018-03-07 08:37:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 48
Words: 258,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3168515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AkuChibi/pseuds/AkuChibi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>*Sequel to Almost Dying* You can't really back down when you're forced to play politician, not when you're the cause for the war in the first place. Exrie's army is on the rise, and if you want to stop him, you need allies. Even if they don't like your boyfriend. And even if he's possessed. M/M Explicit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Statement, or Warning

**Author's Note:**

> Well, here it is, part 3 of this series. So far I am 30k (6 chapters) into this story. I'm having fun with their relationship - all the new parts to it, Kieron's slight personality change... It's fun to write. And now I am going to share it here, yay :D
> 
> Quick Notes:
> 
> -I expect this will be around the same length as Almost Dying and Almost Living. So roughly 200k, but we will see.
> 
> -EXPLICIT CONTENT. Obviously. Sex. Also torture, probably. This is Kieron and Terry we are talking about, after all.
> 
> \- M/M obviously. If this isn't your glass of pineapple juice, feel free to return to the fridge and try again.
> 
> -Warnings are everything posted in tags and also everything that was in the previous two stories.
> 
> -Absolutely nothing is beta'd. This probably has a million mistakes as I have been sick since I started writing this... sick the whole time, in fact. I apologize for typos/mistakes/etc as I rarely proofread (I lose my nerve if I do and nothing will get posted) and I rarely edit. First drafts and all that.
> 
> -ANY FEEDBACK WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED. Thank you.

**Almost Forever**

_Sequel to Almost Dying_

 

 

Chapter One: Statement, or Warning

 

Nerves. Nervousness.

I used to be nervous a lot when I was younger. Saying speeches in class were the worst. The more people watching me, the harder it was. I peeked around the corner, eying the growing crowd around the house we’d decided to use in this particular area. This was to be my first ‘speech’, or whatever it was I needed to do. I had to convince them I was here for a reason, and that I only had their best interests in mind. I needed to convince them Kieron and I were not a threat, but were here to help stop the Master and the Screamers.

It was quite a big speech for someone like me. I had no idea how to even start it. I’d tried note cards but they never worked; I couldn’t get my thoughts on paper, nor could I keep track of what I needed to say. I wished I didn’t have to do this. It would be so easy to leave, to go back to the human world, and hide away in the apartment. Kieron would go with me; he was practically glued to my side. For the past three days he rarely left me alone for more than a minute.

I didn’t mind this at all. It was a welcome change, but was quite unexpected since my perpetual wasn’t very tactile before. But ever since he ‘claimed’ me, he’d changed a little. He assured me it would wear off in time, but a part of me wasn’t sure if I _wanted_ it to wear off. I liked having him this close. I liked having so close to me without him worrying about being seen. Kieron was never bashful or truly modest; if someone saw him naked, that was fine with him. But displays of affection – though he would kill me if I ever called him affectionate – were strictly for alone in the bedroom. Now, though, he latched onto me and kissed me whenever.

And I liked it. It also helped that it irked Ashere to no end. He could deny how he felt about Kieron all he wanted, but I knew better. He might have been bonded to Blaine, but he’d always liked Kieron. Kieron had liked him, too, once upon a time. But my perpetual assured me that it was over, and he was with me. I accepted this because he’d claimed me, something he’d never even thought of doing with Ashere. It made this more special, somehow.

“Human.”

The voice startled me, though I knew it shouldn’t have. It was one of the few times Kieron left my side. Now I turned to face my perpetual. His hair had grown a little longer, since we hadn’t had a chance to get a haircut or anything lately. His eyes were still too bright to be normal, but he assured me that would die down soon. I told him I didn’t mind; I liked his eyes bright like this, because it was all _Kieron_. It was him at his most open, and I loved it.

“Hey,” I said somewhat weakly, swallowing thickly. “I have no idea what I’m doing.”

He nodded and approached me. He never stayed away for long. He said this was because we were supposed to have an incubation period of sorts; we were supposed to have time to get used to this new level of our bond, but it was interrupted by Ashere and Bekkah giving us the news that we were needed in Ethereal. I was supposed to get the Etherians to fall in line behind the Perpetuals so we could all fight the Master and his army of screamers together. So, our ‘incubation period’ was interrupted. I wasn’t sure if that was good or bad. Kieron wouldn’t say either way.

“You’ll be fine,” he told me, stepping into my personal space. I welcomed him, slipping my arms around his neck, dragging him closer as I rested my head on his shoulder, taking in a deep breath.

Ever since the claiming, I felt this urge to always be near him. I could never walk away from him; he had to walk away from me. He told me that if I tried to walk away on my own, he might hurt me. He wasn’t entirely in control right now, going off instinct. He said he would tell me when I could walk away, but he could walk away all he wanted. I wasn’t sure how that was fair, but I wasn’t complaining about our new closeness because he always returned to me in the end.

His head dipped down, nose sniffing at my neck. There was a faint mark outlining where he bit me to ‘claim’ me, however that worked. Now he was always drawn to it somehow. I didn’t mind. For some reason that area was now incredibly sensitive, in all the right ways. Any touch he gave me was sensitive, my nerves igniting only for him. I wondered if it was the same for him, but couldn’t bring myself to ask right now. Instead I breathed in the scent of him and tried to take what comfort I could from it.

“You’ll be with me, right?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” he said.

I pulled back, eying him. “What do you mean?”

He sighed, looking away, averting those bright blue eyes to the ground. “I’m animalistic; not everyone is okay with that. I think it’s best if I’m not out there with you. Some Etherians know of me.”

In a way, this made sense. He was an animalistic perpetual, which meant he was mostly guided by raw instinct, and was quick to anger and aggression. This also meant he had this voice in his head which urged him toward more violent acts. Animalistic perpetuals were not supposed to exist anymore, most of them having been put into perpetual punishment in the Lake, since they were immortal and couldn’t really be killed at the time. They were forced into the Lake, chained and weighed down, forced to forever drown, heal, and wake up, and repeat the process for eternity. To think it could have happened to him, could _still_ happen, was terrifying. But I wouldn’t let it happen.

I still didn’t want to go out there alone, though. He said he was with me, whatever I decided to do. And yet, here we were.

“They’re going to have to get over it,” I told him. “We’re a team and if they have a problem with it, then they obviously don’t need our help.”

He snorted, rolling his eyes before focusing them on me. “You’ll be fine on your own. Ashere and Bekkah will be with you.”

I scowled. “I don’t want _them_ with me,” I told him. “I want _you_.”

“You’re so corny,” he said with a quiet laugh, pulling me toward him again, his mouth pressing against my neck. I knew he couldn’t help doing this; it was instinct. This probably would have been over by now if we had the appropriate incubation period he mentioned, but it had been disturbed, so we had to improvise.

We’d tried to get Ashere and Bekkah to leave so we could have our incubation period alone, but Ashere said this was too important to wait, and hurried us off to Ethereal. I wondered if he only said it was so important and that it couldn’t wait because he didn’t like seeing Kieron and me so close. He seemed rather disturbed at the fact Kieron nibbled on my neck in the living room when they first showed up, right after he’d claimed me. Whatever that meant, because I still didn’t know, and Kieron wasn’t entirely sure, either. Just because he was a perpetual didn’t mean he had all the answers.

“They’re going to have to get used to you eventually,” I said, closing my eyes as a rush of pleasure slid through me as his teeth bit lightly at the too-sensitive skin, his arms tight around my waist, holding me to him though I had no desire to move away. I kept my arms around his neck, smiling to myself as his tongue flicked over where he previously bit.

“It’s not that simple,” he told me, mouth moving against my neck, sending shivers through my body.

“We can’t be apart for very long, remember?”

He sighed and pulled back, which definitely wasn’t my intention. “I can control myself for a little bit.”

“That’s not… I mean…” I sighed heavily. “You don’t have to control yourself, Kieron. We could avoid that if you just went out there with me.”

He shook his head, dark blue bangs falling over one of his glowing eyes.

“I don’t… I don’t want to do this, Kie,” I told him quietly, watching him. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t want to be the head of a war.”

“And yet here we are,” he said. “I told you we could run.”

“But where would we go? We’re still being hunted. We need… We need the allies.”

He shrugged. “So go out there and talk to them.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Just tell them who you are, that you’re human and you can see perpetuals and screamers for what they are. Tell them about your abilities. They will realize you’re here for a reason, and that the Master is the real threat.”

He made it sound so easy, but I knew otherwise.

“They don’t like humans.”

I knew how much he hated me when we first met.

“They’ll get over it,” he assured me.

“Just come with me, Kieron.”

“Can’t.”

“Yes you can,” I said, narrowing my eyes at him. “You just don’t want to. Are you scared?”

He scowled. “Of course not. I just know how much people are wary of me.”

“They know I’m bound to you, right?”

“No,” he answered. “Ashere didn’t tell them much. That’s up to you. You can tell them however much you want.”

“We’ll, considering my ‘abilities’ have a lot to do with you, I’m going to mention you at some point,” I said, frowning at him. There was no way I could keep quiet about him, especially not right now when all I could do was picture him in my mind, how he was when he claimed me, and the morning after. Those glowing eyes…

My frown deepened.

“Can they see your eyes?” I asked.

“I think so.”

“You _think_?”

He shrugged, pulling further away from me, his arms leaving me. I stepped back, giving him the space he seemed to want even though all I wanted to do right now was hold him to me. Hold him to me and never let go.

“I don’t exactly know everything about this, human,” he said, tossing me a quick glare.

I took in a slow breath. “I know, Kie, sorry. I’m just a little on edge. So, they can see your eyes? Is that good?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, whatever. I still say you should come with me. They need to know you’re not this terrible person just because you’re animalistic.”

Etherians, and even other perpetuals, seemed to fear animalistic perpetuals. They were said to be ruthless and cruel, without mercy since that was what they were bred for, during a war. They were needed. Then after the war ended, they weren’t sure what to do with these animalistic perpetuals because they couldn’t really fit into society, since all they knew was fighting. So they were mostly tossed into the Lake, or at the very least, treated badly by other perpetuals.

I knew a lot of people were wary about Kieron because he was animalistic, but he wasn’t a cold-hearted murderer like they thought he was. He wasn’t cruel. He could be ruthless, but not always. He’d been downright _sweet_ lately, which I loved. He was a good person, a good perpetual, and they needed to see that.

If I was going to be leading anyone – though it still terrified me to think about leading anyone in anything – then they needed to accept Kieron for who and what he was. Otherwise, I wouldn’t do anything to help them. My perpetual came first.

Footsteps approached. I stiffened but didn’t turn around because I already knew who it was, and his presence irritated more and more with each passing day.

“They’re ready for you,” Ashere said from behind me. Kieron looked over my shoulder and nodded, before his gaze slid back toward me.

“Go, human,” he said, nodding toward Ashere. “You’ll be fine.”

I shook my head. “Come with me.”

“I can’t, and you know I can’t. You have to do this without me.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Alpha, just stop nagging him, Terry,” Ashere said with a heavy sigh. “He can’t go out there right now, not with his eyes.”

I spun to face him, narrowing my eyes as I searched his face, those brown eyes focusing on me. “What do you know about his eyes?”

So, Ashere could see them. For some reason this bothered me. That glow was _mine_.

 _Mine_.

“I know it’s typically associated with violence,” he told me.

“Explain,” Kieron said, stepping forward to stand next to me as we both faced Ashere.

“It means the animalistic perpetual is less in control,” Ashere said. “It’s what a lot of Etherians feared before it was decided animalistic perpetuals were to be thrown into the Lake. If you go out there with glowing eyes, it won’t end well.”

“That’s crazy,” I said. “Kieron’s not a killer.”

“I’m not in control,” Kieron said, glancing at me. “At least, not completely.”

“They’re gonna have to get used to you,” I said. “I’m not staying away from you the whole time we’re doing this, Kieron.”

“I’m not asking you to, human. I’m just saying that I shouldn’t be seen in the general public, that’s all.”

“So we can be together,” I said, narrowing my eyes at him, “but only in secret. Is that what you’re saying?”

He scrubbed a hand over his face and the slight stubble growing on his face. He looked good with stubble. It was this dark blue color, practically black, and very thin since it was barely there. Perpetuals grew facial hair – and body hair – slowly. He rarely had to shave or get a haircut, but he was due for one soon.

“I don’t like it any more than you do,” he told me. “But for now, that’s how it has to be. At least until I’m more in control.”

_At least until your eyes stop glowing._

I knew that was what he was really saying.

I sighed heavily, looking away. “I really don’t want to do this alone, Kieron.”

“You won’t be alone,” Ashere said. “We’ll be with you.”

_Yeah, like that’s helpful._

I wasn’t fond of Ashere, after all. The bond perceived him as a threat. Mostly because I knew he liked Kieron in a more-than-friends kind of way, despite how much they both argued otherwise.

“You’ll be fine, Terry,” Kieron told me, dragging my attention back to him. He offered a small smile, nodding toward Ashere. “Go on, human. Just relax.”

I took in a slow breath, attempting to tell myself he was right, but somehow I doubted it would be fine, like he said it would be. I was so nervous; I had no idea how to even start talking to the Etherians and Perpetuals gathered out there.

But he was right. So was Ashere.

They already didn’t like animalistic perpetuals; there was no reason to think they’d react okay when confronted with Kieron’s eyes right now, especially if it was associated with out of control animalistic perpetuals. They were dangerous; they had a right to be wary of them.

But Kieron wasn’t like that.

For now, though, I would keep him away from prying eyes, at least until his eyes stopped glowing all the time, despite how much I liked that bright glow. That glow of being _Kieron_ and nothing else. Kieron, with no mental blocks. Kieron, running off instinct and trust more than anything else, letting me see him like this…

I didn’t find that glow scary. It was hard to imagine how others could.

“Okay,” I finally sighed, shoulders slumping. “I’ll keep you my dirty little secret.”

Kieron cocked his head to the side in that cute manner of his, frowning at me. “I don’t understand that reference. I’m not dirty. You showered with me this morning.”

I stared at him, gaping because was he _joking_ with me? In front of Ashere?

“Kieron,” Ashere said. “Terry needs to talk to them now.”

I tossed him a scowl for always attempting to keep me away from him. Every time we got close, ever since he claimed me, Ashere seemed to do everything he could to keep us apart for a little while. He was why we were here now. He was why Kieron left me for any reason, even though he never left me alone for long.

Kieron once described the bond as a rubber band. It could stretch for a while, but always came back together in the end. Or it snapped. But I wouldn’t let that happen. Our bond wouldn’t snap. I wouldn’t let anything happen to him, and I knew he wouldn’t let anything happen to me.

It was a type of trust I’d never felt before.

I knew it was new for Kieron as well, after his rough life.

I stepped toward Ashere reluctantly, but I knew I couldn’t avoid this forever. I looked back at Kieron before following the silver-haired perpetual out of the room, half standing in the doorway. Kieron smiled.

“You’ll do fine,” he said. “Just breathe. And relax. I’m here.” With those words he tapped his forehead.

I smiled, understanding the meaning, and finally turned and left the room, following Ashere.

 

_There’s a lot of people here…_

There was a fairly large group, scattered around the front porch of the house, where I now stood, fingers tapping nervously along the railing. Off to the side stood Ashere and Bekkah. Bekkah was friendly; I liked her. Her presence comforted me a little, but I was still a little off-put by Ashere, even though I knew I shouldn’t have been. Despite the fact he liked my perpetual, Kieron would never go back to him. Not after claiming me like he did; not after losing control with me.

It was a type of faith I’d never felt before.

I liked it.

Amongst the crowd stood perpetuals and Etherians alike. Not all Etherians looked the same; some looked like normal humans – though they became defensive if you tried to say they were human because humans were not welcome here – and others had scales and looked reptilian and yet also humanoid, others different still. That didn’t bother me though. Instead, I felt more off-put by the fact they were all staring at me.

“This is the human,” Bekkah said from the sidelines, and I watched some of those expressions twist and contort into something irritated. “He can see everyone for what they are.” Now those expressions widened a little, shock filtering into their gazes.

Sometimes I forgot that it was strange for me to be able to see them. I couldn’t imagine looking at Kieron and not seeing those glowing eyes and that blue hair.

I wondered what he looked like to my brother, Tommy.

“He is here to help stop the Screamers,” Bekkah continued, and then nodded at me. “It’s all yours.”

I swallowed, watching the crowd as their gaze once again focused on me. I felt naked under their gaze.

_Oh, God, I don’t know what to say…_

Speeches were never my strong suit, after all.

 ** _Take it easy, human,_** Kieron’s voice filtered through my mind, immediately calming me. I could breathe again, despite how nervous I was.

_I don’t know what to say, Kie…_

**_Just relax. Tell them who you are, for starters._ **

Right. I could do that.

“I’m the human,” I told the crowd, thankful I didn’t stammer as I spoke. “My name is Terry, so please use it.” Only Kieron could call me ‘human’. “I can see what you look like. I’m told that’s important. Um… I’m told it was foretold, somewhere, that I would come along and that something big is on the horizon.” I took a breath, watching the crowd.

So far they seemed to be listening. No one had tried to snarl at me or attack me yet, so I assumed I was doing okay.

_Hopefully, anyway._

“I know you all don’t like humans; I can’t say I’m particularly fond of most of you, either. But we’re not all alike. I’m not the same as some humans you have met, and not all of you are the same, either. So I hope we can at least find some middle ground.”

A few murmurs started. I took a breath and closed my eyes, counting to five in my head before I opened my eyes and looked at the group again.

“I’m also bonded to a perpetual,” I told them, watching them carefully now.

**_I don’t think that’s a good idea, human._ **

_Are you listening to me?_

**_You’re kind of loud, and your voice carries. I’m just inside. I can hear you._ **

_Good, then listen to me._

**_What do you-_ **

“I’m bonded to a perpetual, and not just any perpetual,” I told them, narrowing my eyes at them. “He’s an animalistic perpetual.”

Angry murmurs followed my statement.

**_Human, that’s not a good-_ **

“You know that since I was foretold, I _do_ have certain abilities. I hope I don’t have to use them on you, but please note that they are tied to my perpetual. His name is Kieron. I have incinerated screamers. Yes, _incinerated_ them. As in, there’s nothing left but ash.”

I eyed them, daring them to say otherwise. Some of them looked a little nervous now. Good. They needed to be.

“If you say or do anything against my perpetual, I will not hesitate to end you.” Then I smiled, watching them. “Am I clear?”

Some of them nodded.

“Good. That being said, I am here to help in the fight against the Screamers and the Master. You’re going to have to learn to work together, with Etherians and perpetuals. That might be hard for some of you, but put your differences aside to face this common enemy. You can go back to hating each other when this is over.”

Bekkah cleared her throat off to the side. I glanced over at her, feeling more comfortable on this porch than I did earlier. She mouthed ‘Master’ and I nodded, looking back at the crowd.

“I’m the best shot you have of ending the Master, Exrie. He wants me so he can rule Ethereal, but we’re not going to let that happen. We will work together to defeat him and his army of screamers, and…” I took a breath. This was the part I didn’t wish to talk about. “He has captured the Lake. I’m sure you all know what that is, so I don’t have to explain it.”

More nervous murmurs and uneasy looks. They knew.

“He is freeing animalistic perpetuals. I know some of them will join him, but I’m hoping others won’t. They are bitter about their perpetual punishment; I can’t say I blame them. I’d be pissed too. But please note that not all animalistic perpetuals are bad. Kieron won’t hurt you, but if you attack him in any way, he will defend himself. And if I catch you doing something… well… let’s just say there won’t be anything left of you. Understood?”

Hesitant nods.

**_You don’t have to protect me, human._ **

_I will not tolerate them being rude to you, or attacking you. Would you let them do that to me?_

**_That’s beside the point, human._ **

_Not from where I’m standing. You’ve protected me enough; let me return the favor._

“That’s all I wanted to say, really. I’m going to try to help in any way I can. We will try our hardest to defeat the Screamers, and defeat Exrie. Then we can go back to hating each other, but until then, we have to work together. I hope you are all willing to do what is necessary.”

I took in a breath and turned toward Bekkah and Ashere. They nodded and stepped forward, and I stepped away from the railing. I entered the house, shutting the door behind me, before leaning against said door, taking in large breaths, closing my eyes, feeling shaky all over.

_God, that was nerve-wracking._

“I think you did fine,” Kieron said.

I opened my eyes to find him standing in the middle of the room, watching me carefully. I smiled weakly, waving half-heartedly at him as I continued to lean against the door.

“You didn’t have to do that, you know,” he said quietly.

I shrugged, pushing away from the door, my legs no longer feeling like jelly. “I wanted to. If we are going to work together, they need to know they can’t be rude to you. They’re going to have to trust you.”

“Trust is a rare thing these days,” he said warily, keeping his distance, but his eyes were still bright.

“I know, but we can’t fight a war when we can’t trust people to have our backs, right?”

He watched me for a minute, before he released this quiet, breathy laugh. “You know, for someone who says they don’t want to be the head of a war, you did fairly well out there.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” I said, smiling as I stepped toward him.

He closed the distance between us, slipping his arms around me as his face pressed into my neck again, where he’d both claimed me and where he first started the bond so long ago.

“When do you think your eyes will stop glowing?” I couldn’t help but ask.

He stiffened. “It bothers you?”

“What? No! Of course not. I like your eyes.” I took a breath. “I just mean, um… you don’t want to be seen while they’re glowing, so… I mean… I don’t want to have to hide you away in this house all the time.”

He chuckled faintly, lips pressed against the side of my neck. “I don’t know when they’ll go back to normal. I could probably go out if I stayed away from people and kept a hood on and my head lowered.”

“Maybe,” I said quietly. “I told them you weren’t like that, though, so we’d be fine if they saw your eyes, right?”

“I don’t know, human,” he said somewhat tiredly, pulling away from me. This whole war had taken a toll on him, I knew. It had taken a toll on all of us, but him especially, since he was animalistic and he’d been the one in the fray, so to speak, while I was kept safe.

“I told them not to say anything to you. Or attack you.”

“Telling them about me and them seeing my eyes are two entirely different things,” he told me. “My eyes are like this because I’m not in control right now. At least, not completely.”

I shrugged, smiling at him. “I kind of like it when you’re not in control,” I admitted.

He chuckled. “You’re the first person to say that.”

“Good, I’d hate to think I was repeating a ghost.”

He shook his head, pulling away from me.

“Well,” I sighed, “one speech down…”

“Many more to go,” he finished for me.

 


	2. Meetings

Chapter Two: Meetings

 

“Spread your legs a little.”

I grinned. “Don’t have to tell me twice.”

Kieron rolled his eyes, nudging my legs apart with his foot, holding a dagger out to me. It was heavy in my hand as I grasped it, shifting into the stance he was trying to make me have, and he pulled away, satisfied.

We were inside the house still, since his eyes were still glowing. It had been four days since he claimed me. Three days since Bekkah and Ashere gave us the news. And two days since we arrived in Ethereal. I gave my little speech yesterday. Today, Kieron decided to pick up my training again.

“Why don’t you just use guns?” I asked.

He scowled. “We don’t use guns here. There is no skill involved.”

“So, you’re too proud to use guns?”

“There is no skill involved,” he repeated, frowning at me like I didn’t understand what he was saying. “There is no glory to be had in victory if you kill someone with a gun. All you have to do is pull the trigger. We have guns, but only the weak use them.”

“Well, I’m weak,” I told him. “You know, being human and all.”

“If you would prefer a gun, I can ask around.”

I stared at him. “And you’re just _now_ telling me this?”

I could have been using a gun all this time?

“I told you, human, we don’t typically use guns. Even the Screamers won’t use them.”

I shrugged. “Call me weak, then, but I think that would be easier.”

“I will ask around. In the meantime, widen your stance, and don’t be so stiff.”

I sighed and relaxed my stance a little, hunkering down a little more, holding the dagger out in front of me, ready to move if needed. Kieron walked around me, eying my stance.

“Like the view?” I couldn’t help but ask, smiling at him.

He scowled, stopping in front of me after having walked around me. “Lift the blade a little. It should be even with your chest, held sideways, ready to move.”

I did as he instructed and he nodded, satisfied.

“Defend yourself.”

“What do you – ack!” I jumped away as he lunged toward me, bringing my dagger up automatically to block his swiping hand as I closed my eyes. When I opened them he was standing away from me, smiling at me.

“Decent reaction time,” he said. “But it needs to be faster.”

“You could have warned me.”

“There is no warning in a fight,” he told me. “Defend yourself.”

And then he lunged forward again. I stepped back half-heartedly, and he stopped, sighing as he looked at me.

“Human, what are you doing?”

“This is pointless,” I told him. “I know you won’t hurt me. And I’m not going to fight you and stab you, even though you have masochistic tendencies.”

He rolled his eyes. “Then what do you suggest, human?”

“I don’t know, but I won’t fight you. Find something else.”

He cocked his head to the side, watching me carefully for a moment. “Would you fight Ashere?”

I laughed, because _yes_ , I would fight him. I was already irritated with him because of the bond, even as I could sympathize with him because he just lost his bond-mate a few months ago. Even so, I still didn’t particularly like him. And he wasn’t very fond of me, either, so I did have a reason to fear him. He would hurt me because he knew Kieron could heal me. And I wouldn’t feel guilty about stabbing him because he would heal.

“Sure,” I said. “Let’s do that.”

 

Fighting Ashere had to wait, as there was supposed to be a meeting in town to discuss our future plans. I already knew Kieron wouldn’t go with me, but that didn’t mean I liked it. The further apart we were, the more uneasy I felt, and I knew he must have felt the same. The rubber band effect, again.

“It’d probably do you both some good to be apart for a while,” Ashere commented as we were getting ready to leave. I tossed him a glare, a growl lodged in my throat even as Kieron shrugged.

“You might be right.”

I shot my perpetual a quick look. “What? No he’s not!”

“I can’t get myself under control if my mouth is constantly at your neck,” Kieron said, watching me.

In a way, that made sense, but I refused to acknowledge it. “We’re not staying apart,” I told him firmly. “We’ve already had this conversation. And I want you to come with me. They’re going to have to get used to you eventually, anyway.”

“That’s not a good idea.”

“Kieron…”

“Terry, we need to go,” Ashere said from the doorway.

“I don’t want to go to a meeting,” I said, aware that I sounded like a petulant child who was just told he couldn’t have any candy. I couldn’t help it, though; I didn’t want to play politician, I just wanted to stay here with Kieron.

“Well, you have to,” Ashere said, scowling when I looked at him. He had this stiff posture like he didn’t want to be here, and I didn’t want him here, either. “You said you would do this; you made a big speech about it. You can’t back out now.”

“He has a point,” Kieron said. “Go ahead. I’ll be fine here.”

“That’s not the _point_ ,” I muttered, scrubbing a hand over my face. “Look, I’m not saying you have to be seen by anyone. You can wear a hood or whatever you want. Wear sunglasses for all I care. But I want you to come with me. We’re in this together, right?”

Kieron watched me for a moment. I stood there uncertainly, wondering if any of my words got through to him, or if he was just patiently waiting for me to give up and leave without him. If that was the case, he was sorely mistaken because I meant what I said. Being away from him right now was… unpleasant. Terribly so.

Lack of incubation period and everything…

We hadn’t really gotten to be _together_ while we’d been here. Something always needed our attention. Or, more accurately, Ashere always had something for Kieron to do, and then I had to plan a speech and say it in front of all those Etherians. That was nerve-wracking. We got nights together, but we could do very little during them because we weren’t technically alone. Perpetuals had great hearing, after all. If we did anything, they would hear us, and that would just be awkward, especially with Ashere. Bekkah would probably joke about it; Ashere would try to kill me with glares.

_Deny it all you want, you like him._

He liked my perpetual.

 _Mine_.

Primal instinct, primal need.

Finally, Kieron sighed. “Fine, human. But I don’t think sunglasses will help very much.”

“Then what do you suggest?”

“It will be night soon; the glow will be evident then.”

“We’ll make this fast, then,” I told him. “Wear sunglasses and a hood and keep off to the side, and they won’t know the difference.”

_I just want you with me._

He sighed and moved toward the bedroom we’d taken over to grab a hoodie. He emerged a few minutes later clad in a baggy black hoodie with the hood up over his head, nearly covering his entire face because it was big on him. He carried sunglasses in his hand as he stepped toward the door where Ashere and I waited.

I smiled at him. “You’ll be fine,” I said, echoing his earlier words when I’d had to give that speech. I grabbed his arm and pulled him through the door, with Ashere following after us.

I kept my grip on his arm as I pulled him through town, before I realized I didn’t know where we were going. Kieron rolled his eyes and took pity on me, with him now leading the way even as he kept his gaze downcast. I wanted him with me, but I didn’t want anyone saying anything to him or trying to attack him because of his glowing eyes. He was in control; he wouldn’t hurt anyone. He was just more open right now. That didn’t mean he was violent or quick to attack, it just meant he was being his true self, and I couldn’t see how anyone would have a problem with that. How could anyone look at his eyes and declare he was a monster who would only hurt people?

If we were going to be together, and I was going to help in this crazy war, then people needed to get over the fact he was an animalistic perpetual and accept him for what and who he was, because I wasn’t going to be without him all the time just for their benefit. We were together, and they needed to get over it because I wasn’t going to let him hide somewhere.

We approached the meeting area. I knew this was the place because of the large group crowding outside. It was a stage of sorts, with a stand in the middle. I knew I needed to go there and speak but I didn’t know what to say. I had no idea what I was doing. If I wanted to be a politician, I would have gone into politics. But as it was, I hated it, and I knew nothing about leading a war. I knew nothing about wars in general, let alone this.

But this was my fault, these wars. I owed it to them to do something about it, if there was something I could do. I couldn’t just sit by and do nothing; that wouldn’t be fair to anyone. I didn’t want to do this, but I doubted they wanted a war in the first place. This was my fault; the Master was after _me_. It would probably be easier if they just handed me over to the Screamers. Then no one would get hurt because of me.

**_That’s not how this works, human._ **

I sighed. Ever since he claimed me it was getting harder to hide my thoughts from him. He told me this would change when he was more in control; he could reinforce his mental shields and wouldn’t keep slipping some of his thoughts to me and accidentally picking up on my own thoughts. I told him I didn’t really mind; he could keep his shields down. I liked this openness between us.

Bekkah was waiting for us, thankfully. She grabbed Kieron’s arm, and since I still had a hold of his arm, I followed after them. She led us around the little building everyone was gathered around, toward where we weren’t surrounded by people. I felt like I could breathe again.

“I’m shocked he convinced you to come, Kieron,” she said to my perpetual.

“You knew about this?” he asked, perplexed.

She laughed and shook her head. “Of course not; I just figured he would try to get you to come.”

I shook my head, smiling faintly.

“If you don’t draw attention to him, he should be fine,” Bekkah told me.

I scowled, the smile dispersing. “Well, they need to get used to him.”

“I agree,” she said, “but now isn’t the time, I don’t think. They are already uneasy enough; you shouldn’t tempt them into a riot.”

“If they don’t want my help, that’s fine, they can riot all they want,” I said. “But they’re going to have to get used to Kieron.”

“They will,” she said patiently. “But wait until his eyes aren’t so… well…” She looked at Kieron.

I took in a breath, ignoring that lurch in my chest when she looked at him. This was Bekkah, I told myself; she wasn’t a threat. This aggressor thing was getting a bit out of control.

“I don’t even know what to say to them,” I said. “You guys know more than I do. Do I have to be here?”

“You don’t really have to say much,” she informed me, smiling reassuringly. She reminded me of Mom sometimes. Maybe that was why I felt comfortable around her, or maybe it was because she was fairly friendly compared to the other perpetuals I’d met. “They just need to know you’re with them, that’s all.”

I nodded. “Okay, then… if you say so.”

If I was just here for moral support, that was fine. I could do that.

She nodded and gestured toward the doorway. I nodded and glanced at Kieron, who waved me toward it.

“Go,” he said. “I’ll be here. Lurking in the dark. Like a creeper.”

I laughed, smiling at him, not wanting to leave. I wasn’t sure if that was because of our new and upgraded bond or because I really didn’t want to go out there in front of everyone again. Either way, I wanted to stay.

Nevertheless, I stepped away and through the doorway.

The crowd stared back at me. I froze and closed my eyes, attempting to remember that I didn’t have to do most of the talking. Bekkah stepped in front of me, along with Ashere, while Kieron hung back in the shadows beyond the doorway, close enough to hear me and be there should I need it, but otherwise silent and unnoticed.

Bekkah eyed the crowd, offering a disarming smile, hiding the predator behind the innocent façade. “Hello, everyone, thank you for coming. We are here to discuss our plan of action. We will be traveling to other places to get more support, of course, but we can at least get a bit of an idea here.”

I took in a breath and tried to blend into the background as much as I could.

 

The meeting went okay, I guessed. I didn’t have to say much but my presence was required nevertheless. Afterward, when the sun was almost down all the way, I excused myself and slunk away with Kieron lest he be noticed. Now I understood why we’d been traveling during the day to get here, instead of night like we used to when I first came to Ethereal so long ago.

We returned to the house we’d been staying at quickly enough, and Ashere and Bekkah were still gone, discussing our future plans. It had been a long day. A long few days, actually. Exhaustion slid through my mind like a heavy snake, and Kieron’s body was warm next to mine. I just wanted to curl up against him and sleep for a while.

I wasn’t sure when it became so normal to think like this. Nevertheless, it was what I wanted. I blamed the bond, and the fact I loved him. Really, truly loved him in a way I’d never loved anyone before.

Kieron gestured at the bed. We took the master bedroom because we would be sleeping together, while Bekkah and Ashere could figure out how to split the other room. Bekkah was fine with it; Ashere argued at first, until Kieron shot him a glare, his eyes still so bright.

I liked him like this, actually. A little more defensive. Like I was, because I was the aggressor.

We sat on the bed and toed off our shoes. I eyed my perpetual as he twisted his neck this way and that, raising his hand to rub at obviously sore muscles. I winced, because I had forgotten the toll this was probably taking on him. I could at least act normally after he’d claimed me; this was still difficult for him because we’d been thrown back into everything so soon. There was very little time to adjust, and he still wasn’t in control. There was bound to be tension building up in his muscles.

I slid behind him without thinking, bringing my hands up to his shoulders, digging into the skin with my fingers, kneading the muscles. He was so tense beneath my touch, but instead of pulling away, I felt him actually relax into me, releasing a heavy breath as he did so. I smiled, thankful I could at least help him in some way. It was still amazing to me that he was even letting me this close, and had yet to pull away whenever I tried to do anything. Ever since he claimed me, he didn’t seem to care about ‘personal space’, and that was perfectly fine with me.

He’d finally brought his mental walls down. I could enjoy _him_. Everything he could give to me, everything he had to offer, everything he’d never given to anyone else… it was all mine for the taking.

 _Mine_.

I chuckled quietly when his head dipped with relief as I continued massaging his shoulders. As I moved my hands down his back, he stiffened, snarling faintly, his head whipping back up. I frowned.

“Kieron?”

“Your hand.”

“Kie?”

He took in a slow breath. “You’re over the wound.”

“Wound?”

I couldn’t remember him being hurt. In the few times he’d been away from me, he hadn’t been injured, at least not that I was aware of. Growling, I lifted his shirt and found what he was talking about.

That one wound that never healed. I wondered if it was ever _going_ to heal or if it would forever be there, a thin white line a reminder of how close I once came to losing him. Losing him before I ever even really had him, when he was stabbed through with a golden blade as screamers and perpetuals fought around us. He once mentioned that it still hurt sometimes, but that was a while ago. He hadn’t mentioned it since. I’d assumed it felt better.

“It still hurts?” I asked quietly.

“Sometimes. Just don’t touch it.”

Even so, I trailed my fingers along the edge of the scar. He tensed beneath my touch. “Sorry, Kie, I just… I don’t think it should still be hurting. I also think you should have healed by now, right?”

“I don’t know.”

“You healed from the other, um…”

“I know.”

He’d healed from when he was stabbed with another golden blade, but a different kind. I thought that one might be worse, honestly. It poisoned him, leaving him to slowly die a painful death. I nearly lost him again because of that, sitting with him and trying to stay sane for both of us as he slowly deteriorated in front of me. It was the worst feeling in the world, I was sure, to watch a loved one slowly die a death which wasn’t natural. A death which shouldn’t have been happening.

Thankfully we managed to make an antidote, at the cost of alerting the Elders about the fact I was the aggressor, which launched an entirely different discussion.

As it was, though, this thin white line should have healed. It shouldn’t have caused him pain anymore. It definitely shouldn’t have left him growling at me.

“Maybe Bekkah or someone should check it out,” I suggested quietly, careful not to mention Ashere’s name. Because, no. He wasn’t going anywhere near my perpetual when Kieron didn’t have a shirt on. The very thought left a growl lodging in my throat.

“It’s fine,” Kieron said, moving away enough that my fingers released his shirt, and the article of clothing slid back down his pale skin.

He used to be more tan. He used to not have that scar on his back, either. There was a similar mark on his chest, but somewhat smaller. I barely noticed it anymore, too focused on his mouth on mine or his teeth at my neck. Either way, those thin, barely noticeable scars weren’t what I was usually focusing on, but I would attempt to pay more attention to them now. I would make sure to watch his reaction whenever I touched near them, too. He said it didn’t always hurt, only sometimes.

Which was odd. If it was going to hurt, it should have hurt all the time. Not only sometimes.

“I think you should get it looked at, Kie.”

_Just to be safe._

He waved a hand dismissively, moving to slide up the bed so he could lay on his side, facing me. “I’m fine, human. It’s just sore sometimes. It doesn’t affect me.”

“You growled at me,” I told him, quirking a brow at him. “You were in pain. You stopped me.”

“It’s tender,” he said. “Sometimes. I’m fine.”

I sighed, shaking my head. “Will you at least ask someone about it, please?”

“Why’s it matter so much? You haven’t bothered with it until now.”

“Honestly? I forgot about it,” I admitted guiltily. “I know you mentioned it once, and I meant to ask someone about it, but I just… things got away from me. And I forgot. I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?” he asked, frowning at me, his head resting on his pillow, blue eyes so bright in the semi-darkness of the room. There was still enough light to see his face.

“Because I shouldn’t have forgotten about it,” I told him. “Just ask someone about it, okay?”

“You won’t let me.”

“What…?”

“I told you, human, you won’t let me talk about it with anyone,” he said, sighing heavily. “Mental block and everything.”

“Okay, then how do I get rid of it?”

He frowned, watching me for a moment, before he sighed. “I might be able to talk about it now, since you’re the one that told me to do it. I don’t know. It’s been a while; I’ll have to try again.”

I nodded. “Please do,” I told him. “We don’t need any surprises.”

_And we definitely don’t need you having random problems with a scar…_

I hoped it was nothing serious.

“It’s probably just from where you tied me to your limbo,” he told me as I lay down next to him.

“What do you mean?”

“You tied me to it, so that had a… I don’t know. It affected it somehow. But that’s what I think it is, because I don’t know what else it could be. I didn’t say it was bad, or that it really bothers me. It just hurts sometimes. It’s fine as long as you don’t touch it.”

I sighed, staring at the ceiling for a long moment. “I still think you should ask about it. Okay? Please?”

“Fine, human,” he sighed tiredly. “Whatever you say.”

 

We left that town before too long.

After three days of staying there, we moved on. During the day, of course. Kieron’s eyes were still bright. I was beginning to wonder if the color would ever die down, and I knew the others were thinking along the same lines since they kept casting us quick glances. Kieron assured me he was mostly in control. He wouldn’t needlessly attack anyone; he was only out of control when it concerned me, he told me. It was why he didn’t particularly like us being separated right now, though he’d never come out and just say it. Instead, he kept tossing glares toward Bekkah and Ashere even as he stayed close to my side, glowing eyes ever vigilant.

I liked this side of him, though.

But I knew he would worry about it until his eyes went back to their normal hue. He had a reason to worry, after all. If the glowing eyes were associated with murderous animalistic perpetuals, it was bound to sour people’s perspective of such perpetuals. Especially if they saw his eyes. They would not believe that he was in control; they would assume he was hostile. I knew this on some level.

Still, though, I didn’t like having to hide him somewhere. I didn’t like the fact he had to dodge prying eyes simply because I wanted him to claim me. At the time it seemed like a good idea. Now… I wasn’t so sure.

I still loved it, of course. I loved having him this close, both physically and mentally. It was like the bond was in overdrive; I could feel his thoughts brushing against mine with this tentative warmth. I easily found myself wrapped in its glow.

I thought, at the time, that having him claim me would benefit him. I thought it would help him get back under control since he seemed to be struggling with it. The animalistic half wanted to claim me, he said. Or kill me. Killing me wasn’t really an option; claiming was the best choice, and of course I wanted it. It was Kieron; why wouldn’t I?

But then came these problems. He was less in control right now, but not necessarily hostile or violent. Just vigilant, and surprisingly _affectionate_. He would never say such things, but he was touching me more than usual. A light brush against my arm here, a bit of neck nibbling there… He was just closer in every possible way.

This caused him problems, though. He couldn’t move around freely because other Etherians wouldn’t understand. I was a little surprised no one had bothered to say anything snide about Kieron. About him, because they didn’t know Kieron was with me in that crowd or anything. I was happy they hadn’t said anything, though, because I couldn’t be held responsible for my actions, since I warned them beforehand.

Thankfully, they kept silent, though their disapproval was evident whenever I mentioned animalistic perpetuals.

So we traveled during the day. We walked for a while, and it was chilly in Ethereal. I never really noticed the weather here. When I first came here, there didn’t really appear to be any seasons. The temperature and everything mostly remained the same. And then when we were here again, while searching for Ashere and Blaine for a lead on John’s family who had wrongfully been taken hostage by the Screamers, I encountered my first Etherian storm. It was… strange. Violent, windy, rough… Yes, very dramatic and everything.

But that was all I knew as far as the weather here was concerned. We kept traveling, though, and I didn’t really understand how the gateways worked because we didn’t always wind up in the same place. We could use a particular gateway several times to get to Ethereal, and come out in a new place each time. Same with getting back to Earth – or whatever perpetuals called it, anyway. You could go through a gateway you knew fairly well, and end up in a familiar place in my town, or a few miles away, or even a whole state away. I had no idea how these things worked. I thought about asking, but perpetuals were prone to drawn-out, cryptic answers, even Kieron. So in the end I just accepted it as fact and let it be. We had other things to worry about.

We walked for a long time. I wasn’t sure how long. We left in the early morning, and the sun was now high in the sky, so I assumed it had been at least five or six hours, give or take a few. It was chilly out, and that bothered me more than the fact I would probably wake up with blisters later. Even though I traveled through here more frequently now, and we always walked, that didn’t mean my feet couldn’t protest once in a while. Especially since my skin was so dry right now, from the cold.

Kieron stayed close to my side, and I was grateful for the warmth. I wasn’t sure if he was doing it to help keep me warm, or because he wanted to bite at my neck, but either way I was grateful.

We finally stopped in a small clearing. We did that a lot – clearings were scattered about the trees so it was easy to find somewhere to stay for the night. We could still walk for a few more hours until sunset, but I knew we wouldn’t be traveling the rest of the day. It was probably going to be a long day tomorrow, then.

As it was, Ashere and Bekkah left to scout the area. They would see if there was a safe place to stay nearby – like a cabin or something – but if there wasn’t, they could at least make sure this clearing was safe enough.

As they wandered off, I turned my attention to Kieron. He must have had the same idea because he closed the distance between us before I even had a chance to move, his lips pressing firmly against my own.

Kissing Kieron was always a delight, no matter how many times it happened. It was definitely happening more often lately, mostly because he was opening up to me more finally, but also because of our utter lack of an incubation period, whatever that was. They wouldn’t really tell me anything about that. Kieron knew about it only because Ashere had mentioned it in passing, and my perpetual knew we shouldn’t have been disturbed in the first place. It put a damper on everything.

Kieron broke the kiss first, pulling back enough that his mouth was no longer on mine, but staying close enough that our foreheads touched, his eyes sliding closed.

“Okay,” he said. “I’m good now.”

I frowned. “Is it really that bad? Being out of control, I mean.”

“It’s… difficult,” he said, shaking his head as he pushed away, no longer touching me at all. My skin protested the lack of his touch. “Proximity is…”

“Difficult?” I supplied, and he nodded. “But it’s better, right? I mean… now that you’ve claimed me. That’s okay, right?”

I wasn’t entirely sure what I’d do if he said this wasn’t okay, and that he made a mistake when he claimed me. I knew it was a possibility but that did not mean I was ready to accept it should he say those words to me.

Instead he merely shrugged. “It’s different,” he said. “That doesn’t mean it’s bad. It’s just… _something_.”

I nodded, that knot in my stomach loosening even though I never should have doubted him in the first place. If he was going to leave me, he would have done it by now. He had plenty of opportunities. Instead, he chose to stay with me.

“Did the claiming at least help a little? I mean… with… um…” I wasn’t sure how I wanted to phrase this.

“It’s a different kind of loss of control,” he told me simply. “Don’t worry about it, human. I’ll get used to it.”

I nodded and we lay down to sleep.

 

We arrived in another town the next day; it wound up not being that far away, and we had to stay in the clearing because the house wasn’t ready yet. We arrived at the house and moved inside, and I looked at the porch and worried about the speech I would give tomorrow, to another group of people. A knot tightened in my stomach.

Kieron’s fingers brushed against my elbow, and I relaxed, smiling at him even as his gaze was focused elsewhere. I looked over and realized Ashere and Bekkah were having a conversation. I couldn’t hear them from where I stood, but I knew Kieron could. It must have been nothing bad because he smirked and shook his head, before nodding toward the hallway. I followed him toward the master bedroom and we put our things down on the floor near the door.

“I don’t know about you,” he told me, “but I need a shower.”

“Sounds great,” I told him, smiling, and moved to follow him out of the room, when he turned and held a hand out, stopping me.

“Just me right now,” he said.

I frowned. “What?”

“If I’m going to get this under control, we’re going to need a bit of space,” he told me.

“But… That’s not fair,” I said, swallowing. “I thought you said it wasn’t bad?”

“It’s not,” he said, shaking his head. “I just need to get it a little more under control. I don’t like being kept inside all the time, human.”

I nodded; he had a point. He needed to get under control enough that his eyes stopped glowing. He wasn’t pulling away because of me, but because he wanted to get this under control so he could go outside again. I knew he didn’t like being inside all the time; he hated hiding even more. I hated the fact he had to hide. This made sense.

So I finally gave a reluctant nod and watched him walk away.

 

I had to give another speech the next day, in front of an even larger group of people. This time they weren’t so accepting of Kieron. They couldn’t see him, of course, since he stayed inside like last time, but they had a few choice things to say when I told them he was an animalistic perpetual. I glared at them all.

“You’re going to get over it,” I snapped, feeling anger roll through me. “If you want any help at all in this war, against Exrie and the Screamers, then you’re going to get over it. Otherwise…” I smiled, all bite and no mirth. “Otherwise, I might have to perceive you as a threat. And we wouldn’t want that, right? Or maybe you would like to be incinerated.”

That shut them up, thankfully. I never felt like this before – so in control of a situation, and yet so conflicted over it as well. I had the power, right now, to intimidate people, which I’d never had before. This was something new. It also scared me, being up here in front of everyone, and trying to look as though I knew what I was doing.

After explaining the situation with them, I went back inside and was surprised to find Kieron nowhere in sight. He was usually waiting for me, his eyes still so bright, but now he wasn’t. I frowned and walked through the living room, toward the hallway which led back toward the bedrooms.

He was asleep on the bed. I smiled at him. He looked peaceful and content. I liked watching him sleep.

I toed off my shoes, yawning. I had to get up early to prepare for the speech and everything, and my nerves had been out of control last night so I got very little sleep. Now that the speech was over, I was exhausted.

As soon as I climbed into bed, I was happy to find that Kieron’s arm slid over me. Glancing at him assured me he probably wasn’t awake, and was just doing this automatically.

I settled against him and closed my eyes, a smile on my face.

 


	3. Getting to the Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terry gets a history lesson on Ashere... whether he wants it or not.

Chapter Three: Getting to the Point

 

I woke sometime later to shouts.

Instantly I sat up and glanced over at Kieron’s side of the bed, but my perpetual wasn’t there. The covers were cold; he hadn’t been there for a while. Frowning, I climbed out of bed and padded across the room, toward the door. Immediately I jumped back as the door opened to reveal Bekkah, shaking her head at me, pressing a finger to her lips, telling me I needed to be quiet.

I quirked a brow at her questioningly.

She shook her head and closed the door quietly behind her, nodding toward the bed. I nodded and we sat on the bed together. As I heard another shout – a growl, really – I realized it was Kieron. Instantly I stood back up, only to be pulled back down by her hand on my wrist.

“Let them be,” she told me quietly.

I frowned. “Them? What’s going on?”

“They’re arguing,” she said dismissively, shaking her head. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Who’s arguing? Ashere and Kieron?”

She nodded.

Irritation spread through me as I tried to get to my feet again, but she had a tight grip on my wrist and kept me from stepping away from the bed, though she did finally let me stand.

“Why are they arguing?” I asked quietly. I couldn’t hear constant shouts, but occasionally I heard growls. They were both angry, it seemed.

Bekkah shrugged. “I don’t know. When I came back they were about to bite each other’s heads off, and then I heard you moving. Figured you might want to stay put for now.”

“I can help-”

“Terry,” she said, watching me with a soft smile, “they’ll be fine. They’ve known each other for centuries; occasionally they have to let off steam. They’ll be best friends again tomorrow morning.”

It was late, I realized; the middle of the night, but the candle on the far side of the room kept the area at least a little bright, despite the green hue since the fire in Ethereal was green. Something to do with the atmosphere, I was told.

“Ashere likes him,” I found myself saying, and then I closed my eyes and took a breath. Why did I say that?

“Oh?”

I opened my eyes to find Bekkah’s brow quirked in much the same manner mine had been. I shrugged and pulled away from her. This time she let me, and I stepped away from the bed, but not toward the door. Instead I quietly paced for a minute, before sighing heavily and stopping with my back to her, my shoulders drooping.

“He does,” I said quietly. “They both deny everything, but… And I _know_ Ashere was bonded to Blaine. I _know_ that. It’s just…” I shrugged, sighing. “You’re going to tell me ‘they’re just friends’, right?”

Just like Kieron always did. Just like Ashere did.

She laughed quietly, and I turned to face her, frowning. “I could tell you that, yes, but I think you’re right.”

I froze. “You… You _do_?”

I wasn’t sure what to do with this information. She believed Ashere liked Kieron, too. Was that good or bad?

That meant my accusations had merit.

A growl caught in my throat.

She shrugged, watching me carefully as she leaned back somewhat on the bed, her palms holding her up as they splayed at her sides, her dark brown eyes forever focused on me. I shifted uneasily under her gaze, averting my own eyes toward the ground.

“They won’t do anything, you know,” she told me.

I shrugged. “I _know_.”

“Do you?”

My gaze shot back to her. “What does that mean?” I asked somewhat defensively, and she shook her head.

“Easy, Terry, I’m not going to argue with you. It was just a question. Do you really know they won’t do anything? Or are you just _hoping_ they won’t?”

“I know Kieron won’t,” I said firmly.

“And Ashere?”

I looked away.

“Ah,” she said, “I see. He won’t do anything. Yes, I do think he still, you know, _likes_ Kieron, but he won’t do anything about it no matter how much he might want to.”

“How do you know that?” I muttered.

“Because I’m awesome,” she chirped, and I tossed her a weary glance which left her chuckling, her smile slowly fading. “Think about it, Terry. Do you really think Kieron would let anything like that happen?”

“No…”

“And Ashere isn’t like that. He knows you’re with Kieron; he might not like it, but he respects it.”

“He certainly didn’t seem to have a problem cheating on Blaine,” I muttered, glaring at her. “You _do_ know about that, don’t you?”

She shrugged. “You don’t have to be romantically, or physically, involved with your bond-mate. Other than the fact you’re supposed to have sex at some point for reproductive purposes, of course. It’s different for us, Terry. Ashere was with Blaine, yes, but he certainly didn’t love her.”

“Perpetuals can’t love, remember?” I snapped, rolling my eyes even as the words flew from my tongue because I kept telling Kieron that was ridiculous. He even told me that perpetuals were born with emotions, but raised to ignore them. Showing them was a sign of weakness. I thought that might be part of why animalistic perpetuals were so hated; they were ruled primarily by instinct, and thus emotion. Kieron spent his whole life trying to hide everything he felt – at some point, he must have thought it true, that he really _didn’t_ feel anything, but I knew otherwise.

“You and I both know that’s bullshit,” she said.

I stared at her. “You… You… _what_?” I spluttered, gaping at her.

She shrugged, tucking a lock of her long, wavy red hair behind an ear before replacing her palm back on the bed, leaning back a bit further to examine me. “Between you and me, I used to like him, too.”

“W-What?” I gasped, staring at her. “Who?”

“Kieron,” she said simply, shrugging.

She used to like Kieron. She admitted that perpetuals _could_ love, that they _did_ have emotions, even though I already knew that.

She used to like Kieron…

She waved a hand dismissively. “Oh, stop glaring at me. I was raised around Kieron, remember? I know you can see some of his memories.”

“How do you know that?” I snapped.

_Kieron told her._

No… He didn’t like talking about it. He wouldn’t do that.

“Please,” she scoffed, rolling her eyes. “It’s not like you two hide it very well. The first time it happened to Kieron – seeing your memories, I mean – he was in Ethereal with me, fighting, you know? It was my turn to keep watch and he was sleeping a few feet away, and he just shot upright and looked so confused I took pity on him and managed to get him to tell me a little about it. It was nothing sinister, Terry. He hasn’t spoken about it since. You can’t blame him.”

“I don’t,” I murmured, looking back at the ground, sighing heavily as I scrubbed a hand across my face. “So you like him?”

“ _Liked_ ,” she corrected me. “I see him as a brother now. When I was a kid, I had a crush on him. I thought we’d be bonded since we were the only two there. And I helped him escape the Lake. He was very grateful. Then he left, and I didn’t see him for a long time. My feelings changed. He’s my brother now, Terry; I still like him, but not like that.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“To let you know what you already know, I guess,” she said quietly. “We _do_ feel things, we are just not _supposed_ to. Kieron grew up thinking there was something wrong with him because he couldn’t _help_ but show emotion, especially with his ears and everything. I grew up knowing it was _okay_ to show some emotions simply because I grew up around _him_. He showed it, so I did, too. And no one complained. I hid it from the Elders just like he did; I emulated him. I looked up to him.”

I stayed quiet, taking a slow breath, attempting to take this all in.

“Ashere was raised to ignore his emotions,” she said, and I scowled at the mention of the silver-haired perpetual. “He did so for a long time. Then he was assigned to keep an eye on Kieron. You know how things went from there.”

I sighed, shaking my head, because I didn’t like thinking about Ashere, or those memories of Kieron’s I saw, between him and Ashere. A growl slid up my throat just thinking about it.

Ashere, with his hands on _my_ perpetual.

My perpetual… in bed with him… _willingly_ …

He said things were _easy_ with Ashere because he didn’t have to hold back physically. They were both perpetuals; they could handle whatever the other threw at them.

It wasn’t like that between us, though.

Except, he told me, he could lose control in a different way around me.

He assured me he didn’t want to be with Ashere. Nothing made this more clear than when he finally claimed me. A small smile slid across my face as I thought about that wonderful night.

“ _Anyway_ ,” Bekkah said, snapping me from my thoughts even as my cheeks burned and I looked at her to see her smiling at me. “Your naughty thoughts done, yet?”

“How do you always _know_?” I muttered, shaking my head.

“It’s a gift,” she said, grinning. “Anyway, as I was saying. Ashere was brought up ignoring how he felt; he thought that was normal. Then he met Kieron. Kieron was still young; he hid his emotions well from the Elders, but if you knew he was animalistic, you could see the signs. Especially if he got his… well, his animalistic form, I suppose. Ashere was drawn to his emotional side, because it was something he’d never seen before. He liked riling Kieron up, simply because it was something new to him. He’d never seen someone get so _angry_ , or so _passionate_ , about a topic, or a movement, or anything like that.”

_I know this already, stop telling me all of this._

I didn’t need to know anything about Ashere. I didn’t need to hear how he felt about Kieron. I didn’t need to hear about their time together, or how _passionate_ Kieron might have been about something. Or… someone…

“Being with Kieron was the only time Ashere really _relaxed_ , and he started to let his emotions out, too. That was big for him, considering his family line. Anyway, just as he was getting really comfortable with Kieron, and Kieron was getting comfy with him, he was told to bond with Blaine. He tried to fight it; came to me to ask for advice, really, but I told him to do what he thought best, because I knew he would pick Kieron if given the choice. Ashere has never been… well, he’s liked guys more than girls if you know what I mean.”

I shrugged. I really didn’t want to hear about any of this, but I kept silent. I wasn’t sure why. Maybe because I didn’t know what to say. Telling her to leave would be rude. Telling her to shut up would be equally rude. She was probably my only friend other than Kieron right now. I didn’t wish to upset her.

“Ashere didn’t like Blaine. I didn’t like her, either. She could be… She was a model perpetual, really. Nothing phased her. She was the picture of control, and everything Ashere used to like, but he found he actually quite hated it. But nevertheless he agreed because it was his duty, and he knew it would happen eventually. He didn’t know how to tell Kieron, so he didn’t. Kieron found out on his own, and you know how that turned out. Kieron does not appreciate it when someone cheats on someone else. He’s kind of old-fashioned that way.” A fond smile slid across Bekkah’s face.

I looked back at the ground, focusing on my feet as the candle flickered in the background, my spine rigid, my hands curled into fists at my sides.

_Stop telling me this._

I didn’t like Ashere. Hearing how he _felt_ about Kieron wasn’t helping.

“Anyway, Kieron stayed away for a long time. Ashere was… well, he was upset about this, but he regained his control and stayed with Blaine like he was supposed to. They eventually became at least friends, he and Blaine. They had a lot in common. She wasn’t physically attracted to him, either. They both agreed to do this for the sole purpose of their duty, and there was to be no romantic involvement. Ashere tracked down Kieron and had Blaine explain this to him, but Kieron refused to stay with them. By this point he had his gatekeeping job; he was always on the move anyway. He did promise to stay friends, though, and visited when he could, but nothing ever happened between them again. Eventually Blaine and Ashere became close, just not _romantically_ close. They were like really good friends who lived together, and would eventually be asked to ‘mate’, but otherwise there were no real strings attached.”

“I get it,” I said, shaking my head. “You don’t have to say any more.”

“Do you?” she asked. “Do you get it?”

“Yes, I… I don’t know,” I sighed. “What’s the point of all of this?”

_To make me mad?_

Because that was working.

I did _not_ want to hear how Ashere felt about _my_ perpetual.

“I do have a point, Ter,” she said.

“Ter?” I asked wearily, looking at her.

She nodded, smirking. “I ramble a lot; I apologize. I was just trying to make you understand this from Ashere’s point of view, since you are worried he might _try_ something.”

I shrugged. “I don’t really… um…”

_I don’t really care._

But that felt rude.

So I sighed and waved for her to continue.

She nodded again. “Ashere and Kieron were close friends for… a long time, really, despite his relationship with Blaine. They never got back together or anything; they were just friends. They bickered and argued. They laughed and told jokes. Blaine eventually came around to the ‘emotional side’, as she put it.” Another fond smile crossed Bekkah’s face, if not a little sad. “Blaine wasn’t always a bitch. I know she was to you – but she was raised as the model perpetual, and perpetuals were made to hate humans. She wasn’t like that with us. She was… a good friend. Her, Ashere, Kieron and I used to hang out a lot, and…” she trialed off, sighing as her eyes closed, the smile fading.

“I understand,” I said quietly. “She was your friend. I’m sorry she’s, well… I’m sorry, for what it’s worth.”

I was sorry Blaine was dead. I didn’t like her, but I never would have wished for her to die, and especially not like that.

Bekkah nodded, opening her eyes a moment later, a sad smile on her face. “Blaine wasn’t always rude. I will miss her. Anyway, you were worried about Ashere. Kieron won’t cheat on you, but you already know that. Ashere won’t do anything, either, no matter how much he’s feeling lonely right now.”

“Lonely,” I echoed, frowning.

“Yes, Terry. He didn’t hate Blaine. He eventually _did_ come to love her, just not in that way. They were great friends for centuries. They had a mental link, not as strong as the one you share with Kieron, obviously, but they were always aware of each other. And then it was abruptly severed. He hasn’t been alone in a long time. He can’t even really talk to Kieron, either, because you, well…”

“I won’t let him,” I finished quietly, feeling guilt weigh heavy in my stomach.

She shrugged. “In a way. He’s fighting all these feelings and the only way he can think to do anything with them is with Kieron, because he was the first one to make him see emotion as something, well… something not bad, really. And he can’t do that. He can’t even really talk to him or hang out with him like he used to, as friends, because you perceive him as a threat and Kieron won’t go against your will, consciously or otherwise. So Ashere is… troubled, right now. Kieron asked me to keep an eye on him, and I’ve tried, but I’m not what he needs. I’m not sure even _he_ knows what he needs right now, but that is besides the point.”

There was a short pause, as she chewed her lower lip thoughtfully.

“So that is one reason he won’t try anything with Kieron. He also does not want to piss you off, though he does try to do that sometimes, doesn’t he?”

I smiled faintly, and nodded. He did like to rile me up sometimes, didn’t he?

“He does that because he’s… I don’t want to say _jealous_ because that seems petty, and it’s not the right way to explain, but I guess it will have to do. He is _jealous_ of what you have with Kieron, because he could have that, too, once upon a time. Kieron was beginning to open up to him, back then. After he chipped away at him for years. And then he had to bond with Blaine, and it killed everything. And then you come along, and he tells you to bond with Kieron because he knows deep down that is what needs to happen, but he also doesn’t think Kieron will start to _like_ you. He thinks Kieron will always be prickly toward you, and then you go and show him otherwise.”

“It’s not my fault that-”

“I’m not saying it is,” she said, shaking her head. “I am just explaining things from his perspective. That is why he started to become… cold toward you. Nothing wrong on your part, really. He honestly doesn’t really have anything against you. He doesn’t care that you’re human; he’s never really cared about that. He is just… _jealous_ , I guess, because it’s something he could have had. And you came along and did it a lot faster than he ever could. He chipped away at Kieron’s shields for years, Terry, and you go and do what he couldn’t in a few _months_. And now Blaine is gone; he has no one waiting for him at home. No one to talk to. And Kieron is with you.”

It was quiet for a long moment. The candle was about to die, the wax nearly gone. We stayed that was for a minute, before she sighed heavily, causing me to glance at her again.

“So, yes, Ashere might _want_ to get between you and Kieron. He tries sometimes, doesn’t he? He could have waited, I suppose, another day or so before dragging you and Kieron here. You just… surprised him, I guess, at how quickly you got Kieron to open up to you.”

“ _Quickly_?” I echoed, frowning. “There was nothing _fast_ about-”

She held a hand up, motioning for me to stop. “It might not seem fast to you, yes, but it was fast to him. Remember, Terry, they are perpetuals – they had _years_ to get to where you are with him. Anyway, so he kind of… I don’t know… resents that, I guess. Anyway, he might want to do something with Kieron, but he won’t. Not only would that make you want to incinerate him or something, but it would also probably end his friendship with Kieron, and he won’t risk that. He feels that is all he has left.”

I scrubbed a hand over my face, sighing. This was giving me a headache.

“I know you don’t like him, Terry, but I know if you cut him some slack, he won’t be nearly so hostile toward you. He doesn’t hate you. He doesn’t even dislike you, he just…”

“Likes Kieron.”

“In a way,” she agreed. “I’m sorry. I wanted to reassure you that he wouldn’t try anything, but I think I just worried you more, didn’t I?”

I shook my head. “No, I believe you,” I said honestly. “I just…”

_Feel bad. For being so rude to him._

I forgot how hard it must have been for him, losing Blaine and everything. I let my own emotions cloud my judgment; I never thought about what it might be like for Ashere. He lost his bond-mate; not only that, but he felt like I stole his best friend, too. It certainly seemed that way, didn’t it? I wouldn’t let Kieron near him, and rarely left them alone together, without snarling at him.

_I will try to be nicer._

“I think they’re done now,” she said, nodding toward the door. “I don’t hear yelling anymore, do you?”

I listened for a minute, and then nodded.

“Kieron’s outside, I think,” Bekkah told me. “He might want some company.”

“Where’s Ashere?” I asked.

“In the kitchen, I believe.”

I stood there, uncertain. I wanted nothing more than to go to my perpetual, but I also felt like I should apologize to Ashere for all of my rude behavior. It wasn’t his fault the bond perceived him as a threat. It wasn’t his fault his bond-mate was killed. It wasn’t even his fault for liking Kieron. I could see his side of things, now, and I felt terrible at how awfully I’d treated him lately.

I would probably never like the guy, but I didn’t really _hate_ him. I could sympathize, at the very least. I could be civil toward him.

“Go to Kieron,” Bekkah told me. “I’ll speak with Ashere.”

I nodded gratefully. “Tell him I’m sorry?”

“I will. Now, go, before your glowing-eyed boyfriend lets someone see him.”

My eyes widened as I hastily moved toward the door, twisting the knob and throwing it open. “Crap!”

I didn’t think of that.

What was he doing outside, at night, when he knew it wasn’t safe for him? Or, at least, he said it might make people attack him. It was unlikely anyone here had a golden blade, or a weapon that could actually seriously _hurt_ him, but still, I didn’t like the thought of anyone doing damage to him.

I walked out of the house and looked around.

“Kieron?” I asked, looking this way and that, stepping around the porch and off to the side, more toward the trees than the town, since the house was on the edge of town. “Kie?”

“Human.”

I jumped and turned to find Kieron standing right behind me.

“Kie…” I said quietly, feeling a frown tug at my lips, even as I forced that feeling into a smile. “Your eyes aren’t glowing anymore.”

“I know,” he said.

“That’s great, Kie,” I said with enthusiasm I didn’t really feel. “That’s, um… I… I’ll j-just…”

His fingers slid around my wrist, holding me in place as I turned to walk away. I stopped, my back to him, as I took in a few slow breaths, attempting to reign in my emotions because I had absolutely no reason to feel this way.

It was good that he had himself under control. It was good his eyes weren’t glowing anymore. It was good that he was able to stay away from me for so long. It was good that he didn’t immediately step into my personal space and try to kiss me or anything. It was…

_Good. Great. Wonderful. Fucking fantastic._

“What’s wrong, human?” he asked, stepping up behind me. I stiffened as his other hand came around my waist, pulling me backward against his warm chest.

My breath shuddered as it came out, and I attempted to keep the rest of the shakiness from my voice, because I had no right to feel this way. This was _good_ , I told myself. It was good that he was in control again. It was good he could stay away from me. It was good he didn’t need me around him all the time.

“Nothing’s wrong,” I said, thankful my voice remained steady, if not a little flat. “I’m fine. I heard you arguing with Ashere. How is everything?”

“Why so eager to change the subject?”

“I’m not changing the subject,” I said. “Just asking a question. That’s why I came out here, after all. To ask you about it.”

“You could have asked Ashere. He’s inside.”

“Yeah, well, we don’t get along, now do we?”

Kieron sighed heavily, his hands sliding away from me. Immediately my heart jumped into my throat and I spun to find him stepping away, watching me warily from a distance, the only light that of the moon shining down on us.

“Kieron?” I asked quietly, watching him.

“I have things to do,” he told me somewhat stiffly, before he turned his back on me and took a step away. “You should go inside,” he tossed over his shoulder, pulling his hood back up and over his head.

I stared at his shadow for a long time, before I jumped forward, going after him.

My fingers brushed against his hoodie.

He spun toward me with a growl, eyes sparking somewhat, flaring very briefly, before they closed and he took in a long, deep breath. When he opened his eyes, they weren’t bright anymore.

“Kie?” I asked, frowning at him. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m not myself yet,” he said. “You should stay away.”

“W-What? Kieron, I’m not-”

“If you want me to get this under control, we need to be apart for a while,” he told me seriously, stepping away from me, my fingers still outstretched from where they reached for the hoodie earlier.

“But… K-Kieron…”

_That’s not fair, Kie. That’s not fucking fair._

“We’re _together_ ,” I said. “I don’t care if you’re not in control, and you _know_ that.”

“You wish for me to always be out of control?”

“I… I don’t… I…”

I had no idea how to answer that.

Being out of control was… strange, for him. I knew he didn’t like losing control. On the other hand, I liked it. I liked him when he was this open. Watching him regain control, and slip back into the person he used to be, after I’d had a taste of what it might be like to have him this, so open and honest and…

I closed my eyes, taking in a slow breath. “I love you, Kie,” I said quietly. “You can… If you want to regain control, I’m okay with that, really. Just… don’t ask me to stay away.”

“Human…”

“We’ve discussed this already,” I said, opening my eyes and glancing at him, catching a glimpse of those blue eyes, darker than they had been lately. “We are _not_ staying away from each other. That’s out of the question, okay? Do what you must to regain control if you _want_ , but I’m perfectly fine with you how you are, and you _know_ that. You know I like you how you are, and I don’t want to change you, Kieron. You _know_ this. So just… just… don’t make me stay away. Don’t push me away. Please, Kie.”

He watched me for a moment, expression neutral and void, and I shifted uneasily under his gaze. Then warmth brushed against my thoughts, very briefly, but it was enough to leave a jolt shooting through me, causing me to gasp as Kieron closed the distance between us, his fingers curling into the fabric of my shirt, tugging me toward him as our mouths met.

It was a chilly night, and I only wore a shirt and pants, no jacket or anything. Kieron’s body offered much needed warmth as his arms slipped around my waist, holding me to him as I clutched at the front of his hoodie, drawing him closer to me, our mouths forever locked in a dance of potential domination. I say potential because there was never really a competition; Kieron decided the victor. Sometimes he would win because that was his way, but then sometimes he would let me win, but I took this in no way as a victory on my own part. He was just being generous then.

Nevertheless I liked this ‘dance’ our mouths, and tongues, did together. I personally never really liked people’s tongues in my mouth, before I got with Kieron. I was accustomed to it, and grew to accept it, but I didn’t ever really _like_ it. With Kieron, though…

Everything was better with Kieron.

This was great.

Perfect, even.

It felt so warm and safe with him this close. So… right. _Complete_.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and vowed to never let go.

 


	4. An Understanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terry and Ashere can be nice to each other. It is... unsettling, and shocking, to Kieron. Then there's sex.

Chapter Four: An Understanding

 

I tried to give Kieron space.

I really did, because I knew it was what he wanted. He wanted to get himself back under control, and after being near me for too long, his eyes started to glow again and he slinked away, returning only when the glow had died away. I hated to see this struggle; I wanted what he wanted. If he wanted to stay away for a while… who was I to really tell him no?

 _No more than a day_ , I told myself. I would give him a day, but I wasn’t staying away for longer. That wasn’t fair to either of us, after how far we’d come in this relationship.

In the meantime I had another speech to give. I loathed speeches. Thankfully, by this point I practically had everything memorized, so it went by a little easier. A few them muttered about Kieron and perpetuals in general, but thankfully things went well enough. I returned to the house to find myself alone, Bekkah and Kieron having gone out for the day. To do _what_ , I had no idea, but it did give us some space.

Space that I didn’t want, but knew he needed.

I had no idea what to do with myself in the meantime, though. It had been roughly a week since he claimed me, and this was the longest I’d been away from him, and it had only been two hours.

He would be gone for the rest of the day, too.

_I’m going to go mad…_

No. I could do this. I had to. For him.

I took in a slow breath, scrubbing a hand over my face as Ashere entered the house behind me.

_Dammit. Forgot about him._

Great, I was now left alone with Ashere.

Awkward silence settled over us. He moved to step around me, and I decided there was no time like the present, so I grabbed his wrist to stop him. He stiffened under my touch and spun to face me, his bright brown eyes narrowed as they searched my face.

“What?” he asked.

I released his wrist, sighing heavily. “I, uh… I owe you an apology.”

His brows disappeared behind his silver hair. “Excuse me?”

“An apology,” I repeated. “I’m sorry.”

“For…?”

“For how I’ve been treating you,” I told him, despite my rising irritation at his presence. The bond could rest easy right now, though, because Kieron wasn’t here for it to get riled up over. So I took in a few deep breaths until that irritation dispersed, and offered a small smile at him. “It was wrong of me. I apologize.”

He stared at me for a long moment. “What?” he finally asked.

“I’m sorry for being an ass to you. I, um… The bond… Look, I don’t hate you, okay? You’re Kieron’s best friend, and… I know you’ve been hurting recently, after Blaine, um… Well, just after Blaine. And I’m sorry.”

“I’m fine.”

I eyed his neutral expression. “You’re lying. I know you’re hurt at her death.”

“What do you care?” he muttered. “You hated her.”

“I didn’t like her,” I agreed, “but I would never wish for her death, Ashere. You have to believe that if nothing else. And I know she was special to you. I mean, you were bonded for centuries, right? That’s got to leave a mark.”

He looked away, sighing, his shoulders drooping.

“And I’ve been keeping Kieron away from you. Or, trying to, at least. Unintentionally, really. I’m sorry. I know he’s your friend and you’re hurting and you need someone to talk to. I’ll… try to stop being an ass from now on, okay? You can…” I closed my eyes, taking in a slow breath. “You can talk to Kieron whenever you want.”

Silence surrounded us for a long moment. I kept my eyes closed, counting to ten in my head.

“What brought this on?” Ashere asked, causing me to open my eyes and glance at his suspicious expression.

“I… U-Um…”

Should I tell him about the conversation I had with Bekkah? I doubted he would take kindly to it, so instead I shook my head and kept my mouth shut.

“Well,” he said after a long pause, “I guess… I’m sorry, too.”

“For what?” I asked.

“I have been rude to you as well,” he admitted. “I was… angry with you, for a long time. I’m not sure why. I don’t hate you, Terry. I… You make Kieron happy.”

“We both do,” I told him. “He enjoys your friendship, Ashere. Whatever happened yesterday… whatever argument you had… you know he’s still your friend.”

Ashere nodded. “I know. We fight sometimes; it can’t be helped. I’ll let him cool off for a bit and apologize to him.”

“What did you argue about?” I couldn’t help but ask, my curious nature getting the best of me.

He shook his head, waving a hand dismissively. “It was stupid, really. We were both on edge; it was bound to happen eventually. Anyway, I do apologize for… well, for my animosity toward you. It isn’t your fault.”

I nodded. “And it’s not your fault I’ve been rude to you. So, are we good now? We’ve both agreed we’ve been royal asses?”

“Well,” he drawled, offering a tired smirk, “as long as we’re _royal_ …”

I laughed, unable to hold it back, feeling a weight lift off my shoulders, the tension easing from my chest.

“You could help me with something,” Ashere said. “If you wish.”

I blinked in surprise. “U-Uh… sure, yes, of course. What do you need?”

“Come with me,” he said evasively, leading me through the house, back toward the door which led outside.

 

I had no idea where we were going, but Ashere seemed to know his way around town. He stopped on the other side of town and waved me into the trees along the outer edge. I followed after him, frowning slightly because I had no idea what we were doing here. Did he lie about apologizing? Was he going to kill me and hide the body?

_No, certainly not. C’mon, Terry, stop being paranoid._

We walked through the trees for a long time. I wasn’t sure how long – an hour, maybe? Finally we stopped and he knelt next to a tree, moving to unbury something in the ground. He pulled it from the dirt and held it out to me. I eyed the blue box even as my hands grasped it. It wasn’t very large, and was very light, leaving me frowning.

“What’s this?” I asked.

“Open it.”

I sighed and did as he instructed, opening it to find- “Are these contacts?” I asked somewhat incredulously.

“Yes – for Kieron.”

“O-Oh?”

“He hates being cooped up – that’s partially what we argued about. He gets… a little hostile when he’s cooped up for too long. And since he is having trouble with his eyes, and that’s what he’s worried about, I found some possible solutions. This is the easiest of them.”

“Contacts,” I said again, still staring down at them.

“Yes. It used to be used a lot by previous animalistic perpetuals, to conceal their identity. Their actions usually wound up giving them away, though. I am not suggesting he wear them for very long – they might irritate his eyes. And he shouldn’t sleep in them. But for an hour or two, they should be fine if he… er, _you two_ want to go out for a while.”

I looked at Ashere smiling widely. “I could kiss you right now.”

He chuckled a little nervously. “Please don’t. I don’t need Kieron coming after me.”

I laughed, still grinning, unable to hide it. “You know, Ashere, you’re not so bad after all. Thanks for this. I mean, for Kieron.”

He nodded slowly. “You can pick the color.”

“Color?”

“There are three colors there – it’s what they came in. Blue, green, and gold.”

_Gold…_

Nope. Definitely not using that color.

“Alright,” I said. “Thanks again, Ashere. I really appreciate it.”

He nodded once more. “I should probably lead you back out of here, huh?”

“Yeah, well, human sense of smell and all…”

 

Kieron didn’t return until very late at night.

It was the longest I had been away from him in a long time.

By the time he returned I was pacing in the bedroom, the box holding the contacts off to the side. I’d been eager to give them to him, but had no idea when he would return. As Ashere said he was going to call it a night and get some sleep, I began to wonder if he would even return tonight. I attempted speaking to him via mind link, but he didn’t respond.

I pushed the worry back, though, because I knew he was with Bekkah. The bond was still open, too – mostly. I knew he was okay; he wasn’t in any danger. His thoughts mostly hinted at irritated as they brushed faintly against my own, the warmth dulled somewhat by this.

But finally, he did return, stomping through the front door with a growl as he closed the door behind him. I darted out of the bedroom and found him shaking his head as he stepped away from the door, his gaze briefly flickering to me, his eyes glowing, before he walked past me toward the kitchen. I frowned and followed after him.

“Kie?” I asked.

“Why?” he all but groaned as he opened the refrigerator, pulling out a bottle of water. “Why did you let me go?”

“W-What?”

“Why did you let me leave with that… that _woman_?”

I laughed at the expression on his face, that sour pout of his. He could call it a glare all he wanted; it was a pout. “What happened, Kie-Kie?”

“I told you not to…” He shook his head, sighing, as he took a long chug of his cold drink, before recapping the bottle. “That woman is a monster.”

“How so?”

His expression darkened, and I couldn’t help but laugh again.

“Oh, come on,” I said, my smile widening, “it can’t be _that_ bad, can it?”

He scrubbed a hand over his face. “She made me go _shopping_.”

I burst out laughing. I couldn’t help it, doubling over at the waist and everything. Not just at the thought of my perpetual shopping, but because of his expression, and the way he said those words, so irritated…

And then I stopped, frowning.

“Wait – your eyes weren’t glowing, were they?”

If she endangered my perpetual…

_No, calm down. She wouldn’t do that._

I took in a slow breath as Kieron rolled his eyes.

“They only started glowing when you kept trying to contact me,” he said, shaking his head. “So we left. Had I known getting away was that easy, I would have talked to you immediately.”

I smirked. “So I saved you, huh?”

“ _Never_ let me leave with her again,” he hissed, staring at me. “I forbid you to let me.”

I snickered. “Oh, you _forbid_ it, huh?”

“Don’t allow it to happen. She won’t argue with you.”

“It can’t have been that bad, Kie. What’s the problem? It was just a little shopping; you’ve done that with me.”

The look he gave me was rueful. “ _You_ don’t try to make me constantly try on _clothes_. And especially not _pink_ ones.”

_Oh, God…_

I loved Bekkah. _So_ much.

“Are you quite done laughing?”

I sucked in a ragged breath and attempted to stand straight, but it was a challenge because every time I looked at him I wanted to laugh again. I swallowed and closed my eyes, fighting the smile from overtaking my face, but it was quite an effort.

“Okay,” I finally said. “Okay, I’m good now.” I opened my eyes and smirked at him, but thankfully didn’t laugh again. “Pink, did you say?”

He glowered, eyes narrowing. “You’re enjoying this,” he accused, jabbing a finger at my chest, but not quite touching me. He was so close, I realized. And his eyes were still glowing.

I smiled, stepping a little closer. “No, Kie, I would _never_ enjoy this. I mean, it’s just so _tragic_.”

“Yes, yes, laugh at my expense, human.”

“I would _never_.”

He rolled his eyes. Those beautiful, glowing eyes.

I really liked them like this. And now he could wear those contacts, and not have to worry about-

My eyes widened. “Oh! I almost forgot!”

“Forgot wha-” he cut himself off as I snagged his wrist, hurrying him toward the bedroom, flinging the door open.

I led him across the room, toward the small table where I picked up the little blue box. He eyed it warily as I held it out to him.

“From me and Ashere,” I told him.

“Okay, now I _know_ it’s bad,” he sighed, shaking his head. “You two can’t possibly work together.”

“We can,” I said, smirking. “We have an understanding.”

“Has hell frozen over lately?”

“As a matter of fact, yes,” I said. “We apologized to each other.”

“I died, didn’t I?”

“Nope,” I said, scowling at him. “Just open the box, would you?”

He shrugged and pried the top of the box open, frowning at its contents. My stomach was suddenly a knot of nerves as I watched him for his response to the contacts. “Contacts, eh?” he asked.

I nodded.

“Where did you get these?”

“Ashere got them,” I said honestly. “Do you… Is that okay?”

“Contacts are hard to find here,” he told me, still looking down at them. “Ever since animalistic perpetuals tried to use them to ‘hide’, anyway.” A pause. “And now you want me to do the same?”

“N-No,” I said, frowning. “I just, um… _we_ just… Look, you’ve been worried about and you don’t like staying inside all the time. This way you can put these on and go for a walk or something and not have to worry about it, and we won’t have to stay apart for very long.”

Today was terrible, after all. At first it was okay because Ashere and I got along, but as time dragged on and Kieron hadn’t returned, I’d grown increasingly more agitated. By the look in his eyes, he seemed to feel it too, because he nodded slowly.

“Which color, then?”

“U-Um… whatever you want.”

“ _I_ don’t have to look at them. Contacts are contacts either way.”

I shrugged. “Anything but gold.”

The more time I spent here, the less I liked that color. It was the color of those terrible weapons, and the less I thought about them, the better.

“Shall I try green, then?”

I scowled at the image of him with green eyes. He would look fine, yes, but I was so used to the blue eyes I wasn’t sure what I would think about that, honestly. He chuckled and poked at his eyes. I was ready to see the green, but instead his eyes looked the same as usual, without the brightness. Blue, then. A shade lighter than his usual color.

I smiled at him. “There you go, Kie-Kie. Back to your old self.”

He scowled. “These itch.”

“Well, don’t poke your eye and you’ll be fine. You don’t have to wear them all the time. Eventually you’ll really get under control, right?”

There was a weariness to my tone even I heard. Kieron quirked a brow at me.

“You don’t want me to get under control,” he said quietly, “do you.”

“It’s not that, I just… I don’t know. I like being this close.”

“We can still be close, if that’s what you want.”

I smiled softly, even as I knew it would be different once he was back under control. It would be like before. When we were alone, we could be together, but he would perfectly controlled when in the presence of others, and since we rarely had alone time here, that meant it would be like that for the majority of the time. After having him so close to me for so long now, I wasn’t sure what to think about going back to that.

Two weeks ago I would have been fine with that.

Now, though…

I sighed. “I want you to be controlled because I know it bothers you. You know it doesn’t bother me. Anyway, let’s just… talk about something else.”

He shrugged and put the box back down on the table, blinking his eyes a few times. “I suppose I can get used to them,” he said.

I nodded, but my smile felt forced. “That’s good.”

He rolled his eyes and before I knew it, he was pulling me toward him. “You have no self-control, you know?”

“What?” I spluttered. “You’re the one who pulled-”

His lips met my own, silencing me.

I waited all day to have him this close. It wasn’t my fault I basically turned to putty in his hold, his arms easily slipping around me, guiding me closer to him. My own fingers caught purchase in his hair, tugging at and becoming one with the strands, forcing our mouths a little closer together. His tongue slipped into my mouth and I greedily accepted it, removing one hand from his hair to instead bring down and slip under his shirt, eager for the touch of his smooth skin.

With a small growl he spun us and pushed me against the wall near the table, the sudden movement loud in the otherwise silent room, the table shaking somewhat. Immediately his mouth was at my neck, nipping, biting, licking, and I closed my eyes as the pleasure rolled through me. This simple act should _not_ have felt this good, and yet it was bliss, every nerve there ablaze with _oh god yes don’t ever stop please_ -

Kieron pulled back to instead press his mouth against my own again, the movement so sudden it left me gasping as his hands slipping down my rumpled clothing and beneath the edge of my pants, teasing the sensitive skin slipping lower, but not actually touching me. I moaned into his mouth at the slightest touch, though, my own hands clawing for purchase on his own shirt all the while attempting to force it over his head and get it _off_ so I could instead feel his sweet, hot skin, and-

He pulled back, his mouth leaving mine so suddenly I couldn’t stop the whine, his hands leaving me just as quickly, slipping out of my pants to instead settle against my chest, still touching me but not moving, not doing what I wanted. Those blue eyes, dulled by the contacts, caught my own as he ran his wet tongue over his lips hesitantly.

“Oh, don’t you dare think I’m not enjoying this,” I snapped, slipping a hand around his neck to bring his head back toward mine, our mouths meeting once more. “Because I _am_ ,” I said against his lips.

He hummed in response, the sound vibrating against my mouth and leaving me sighing breathily as his hands slipped beneath my shirt to press against my skin, but still not near the edge of my pants as he had been before. Instead they rested in the swell of my chest.

“Kieron,” I breathed, looking at him. “Take the contacts out for now.”

He frowned momentarily and then pulled away enough to do just that. Then he put the contacts carefully on the blue box on the table, before refocusing on me. I smiled at the brightness of his eyes, so vibrant and aglow in the darkness of the room, the only light that of the candle and now his eyes as well. I crushed him a little closer toward me, his hand trapped between us, still resting against my skin.

“Lose control,” I said quietly.

“Human, I don’t think-”

“Don’t think,” I told him. “Just… lose control.”

“That’s not going to help-”

“For tonight,” I said, swallowing down his protests with my mouth as it pressed against his own. “Don’t hide from me tonight.”

He released a breathy laugh – quiet, barely there, but precious nevertheless – and slipped his hand down lower, sliding over smooth, insanely sensitive skin, before it finally skimmed the edge of my pants. As his fingers worked to unfasten them, I allowed him to push us apart enough to do so, and found myself left scowling at his own clothed chest because I couldn’t take the shirt off until he was finished with my pants.

He took entirely too long.

“What’s takin’ so long, huh?” I huffed impatiently.

Amused glowing eyes blinked at me. “Being thwarted by a buckle,” he said easily. “Why do you bother with these things?”

I chuckled, having forgotten I was wearing a belt today. I’d run out of clean clothes from the duffel bag – it was only so big and could only hold so much – and I’d had to wear some local clothes, but they were a little large, so Ashere let me have a belt he wasn’t using. I hadn’t even been aware he wore belts; his shirts always covered that bit of his clothing, not that I ever bothered looking.

Watching Kieron’s fingers work at the belt was priceless, though.

Finally his fingers undid it, and he eased the pants down my legs. I easily stepped out of them and plucked at his shirt. “Off,” I told him.

“Oh?” He quirked a brow at me.

“Yes,” I said. “Off.”

“I don’t hear a please.”

“Kieron,” I said, scowling at him. “ _Please_.”

“As you wish,” he said with a smirk, easily chucking it from over his head, tossing it to the side in a forgotten heap with my pants. My hands skimmed over his now uncovered flesh, fingers pausing briefly over the very faint outline of the scar which was similar to the one on his back, but slightly smaller.

“Does it hurt?” I asked, the haze of _want_ forgotten for the time being.

“It’s fine,” he said, his fingers toying with the band of my underwear. “Are you saying you want to stop?”

“No,” I said quickly, smiling at him, pressing my palm flat against his skin. “Of course not, silly. Are you trying to back out?”

“Little late for that,” he said.

“Indeed,” I said with a chuckle. “We make quite the pair, huh? Me without pants, you without a shirt…”

He shrugged, fingers slipping up my stomach, away from my underwear. “Well, if _that’s_ how you’re going to be…”

“Whoa, now, let’s not be hasty,” I said, catching his wrist and dragging his hand back down.

“They’ll hear us.”

“Let them,” I said, shrugging.

I knew Ashere and Bekkah could hear us if they wanted. That didn’t mean they _would_ listen, though, and it certainly didn’t mean I had to care about it. They knew they interrupted our time together; they would have to deal with this. We hadn’t done anything like this, to this extent, since we left the apartment. It was time for more – it was this burning need deep in my stomach and it wouldn’t be sated until we did this. Until we _both_ got what we wanted.

“Where is your sense of decency?”

I scoffed, grinning at him and that little twinkle in his eyes. “It left with your shirt and my pants. Shall we continue, or are you going to insist or prolonging the inevitable?”

_Because we **are** having sex, dammit._

He had no excuse not to, now. He kept saying Ashere and Bekkah would hear, or it wouldn’t help him regain control. He had the contacts now; the rush to get the brightness from his eyes wasn’t so urgent now. And we both wanted and needed this, I knew, so this was going to happen.

“So impatient.”

“So _irritating_ ,” I said, quirking a brow at him. “I don’t see your hands moving.”

“I don’t see yours doing anything, either.”

We both stood there like that, just holding onto each other, before I laughed and released his wrist. Afterward his hand slipped beneath the band of my underwear and my breath caught in my throat as his fingers brushed ever so lightly against the hair leading down to my groin, the area entirely too sensitive right now. I arched upward as much as I could, lifting onto my toes to force his hand down a little lower, but he held back, smirking at me, and I swallowed thickly.

_I’m in for a long night, aren’t I…_

I was perfectly okay with this.

His lips were wet and warm against my own as his fingers lightly pulled out from beneath the band of the underwear, instead slipping across the clothing’s surface, teasing the head of my cock through the fabric. I fought hard to keep from biting down on his lip or whining as he continued doing it, but only through the fabric.

And then his lips left mine, and he smirked at me. I gulped, swallowing heavily.

“You’re going to have to be quiet, human, or prying ears will hear you.”

A shiver crawled up my spine at that tone of his voice, that look in his eyes. “I’ll be quiet,” I promised.

_Just please don’t ever move away…_

His lips pulled back into this half growl, half grin, and then his mouth pressed against my neck, biting and nipping and licking at the too-sensitive skin. Finally his fingers curled around the band of my underwear and pulled them down my thighs, over my knees, and eventually I stepped out of them, too. Then his fingers sought the hem of my shirt and tugged upward, and I we parted only long enough for him to remove my shirt and toss it aside. Then his mouth was against my neck again, his hands easily trailing down my sides, leaving me gasping into his mouth as they smoothed along the curve of my hips and then lower, shifting more toward the middle, along my inner thighs before going back up again, easily missing the vital area I desperately _needed_ him to focus on.

“Kieron,” I whined, and he bit down hard on a patch of skin, silencing me.

“I said quiet, human,” he all but growled against my skin, the vibrations tickling somewhat as his tongue smoothed over the bitten area, chasing away the very brief pain.

I took in a breath to keep from moaning or saying anything that might make him stop, and slowly his hands trailed back down my body. Biting down on my lower lip to keep from making noise when his fingers _again_ missed that important area, my fingers sought purchase on the edges of his pants, which he still wore. How was it that he could always get me out of my clothes, but he’d always still have some on? This wasn’t fair.

So I started to push his pants down. He growled into my skin but didn’t stop me, and stepped out of the pants – and the underwear – as I pushed them down his legs. He nudged them aside with his foot before stepping closer to me, his hardness rubbing against my own, leaving me breathless as I closed my eyes.

When his hands skimmed over me _again_ without hitting that very neglected area, I couldn’t suppress the whine.

“Fucking _tease_ ,” I snapped, even though it was mostly a rough whisper.

My own hands skimmed along his sides, the path familiar yet always enjoyable, slipping lower toward his groin but I knew it would not be that simple, so I steered my hands away before they could touch what I really wanted. Instead they eased around his waist, pulling him closer to at least get _some_ pressure and friction against myself, but he realized what I was doing and pushed back, easily overpowering me because he would always, _always_ be stronger than me.

As his teeth nipped at my neck, his hands finally – _finally_ – eased around my aching, throbbing member which twitched hopefully in his hold, a bead of pre-cum slipping from the head which he easily smoothed along the shaft, allowing ample lubrication for the time being. I let my head fall back against the wall, eyes closing as bliss began to slip through me as his hand worked over me.

Just as the pressure was really building, though, he pulled his hand away and I growled at him, lifting my head to toss him a quick glare. He stepped away from me, mouth finally leaving my skin, and his fingers caught hold of my wrist as he slowly dragged me away from the wall and toward the bed. I followed eagerly.

He turned us so that my back was to the bed, and pushed at my shoulders until I fell over the edge and landed on my back. He came down between my legs which I quickly attempted to spread further apart, allowing him more room on the bed even as I scrambled back a little. I fought the urge to touch him, or touch myself, because that was never appreciated. At least, not until he decided to allow it. He was in charge here, not me.

Those bright eyes focused on my face as he slid over me, his hands placed on either side of my head, bracing him as he hovered over me, his mouth moving down to slowly capture my own, the kiss tender and lingering. I couldn’t stop my hands from slipping around his warm body, attempting to bring him closer. He allowed it for the time being, easily collapsing on top of me but not crushing me, as his hands still slightly held him up. All too soon he was pulling away, though, leaving me scowling as he sat up and sat back, slipping away from me to instead stay between my legs.

I missed the warmth.

I startled when a wet finger slipped into me, unaware he’d even wetted his fingers, and unaware they’d been moving toward me at all. It came as a happy surprise, though, and as it twisted and turned, I arched my back and attempted to spread my legs a little further, giving him plenty of room to work. A second finger was added, twisting and turning, stretching me open, before a third was added as well.

And then the fingers were sliding out of me and I took in a breath, bracing myself.

We didn’t have any lube here; in our haste to leave neither of us had grabbed it, even though it was a simple item and we’d both been thinking about sex at the time. A simple mistake, but I wished we had it now. Nevertheless, no matter how eager Kieron might be, how out of control, he wouldn’t hurt me. He would take it slowly. He’d already wetted the area, after all; it wouldn’t be too bad. The first time we had sex we had no prep and no lube, so this would be perfectly fine.

Kieron took in a slow, steadying breath. Glancing at him, I noticed his eyes were closed, his expression semi-contorted as he tried to reign in his control.

“Lose control, Kie,” I said quietly, sitting up enough to trail my fingers across his jawline, causing him to open his eyes, focusing on me. “You won’t hurt me. I love you.”

He smiled, and I lay back down. His fingers grasped my thighs with a bruising grip as he split my legs further apart, lifting me upward some. The tip of his cock brushed against my entrance and I took in a breath, steeling myself, my fingers curling into the covers beneath me. He shifted closer, the tip of his member slipping into me, and I tensed before willing myself to relax. His nails bit into my skin but it didn’t really hurt, exactly; every part of me was too sensitive right now, in all the right ways. Every touch was pleasure, every bit of pressure against me a flood of bliss.

He slid all the way in as slowly as he could, I knew. Even so I stiffened and it took a second to get used to. He gave me the time though I knew it was difficult for him; his eyes closed tightly, his fingers still biting into my skin. Even so he did it, and I breathed out a sigh, urging him to continue. He slid out, then back in, then out and in again, in a quickening rhythm.

I let my head fall back into the covers, eyes falling closed in bliss.

 


	5. First Battle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terry tries to keep Kieron safe and out of a fight but that backfires.

Chapter Five: First Battle

 

My eyes opened sometime the next morning, a thick layer of sleep sticking the lids together. I pried them open dizzily, wondering what woke me. Sunlight spilled into the room through the curtains along the window, bathing the bed in a warm glow. I glanced over at Kieron, who slept soundly and peacefully next to me, his arm thrown over my waist under the covers. My very naked waist. I smiled, remembering what happened last night. No wonder I felt so sore and tired and sticky – but it was so very _worth it_.

The room smelled heavily of Kieron and sex. I breathed it in and curled up a little more against him, easing my leg between his own until we were a tangle of limbs. Satisfied, and warm and tired, I closed my eyes to attempt to drift off back to sleep.

And then the knocking came on the bedroom door.

That was what woke me. I sighed and ignored it. If I did, perhaps they would go away. Surely they heard us last night, right? Kieron instructed me to be quiet; I was quieter than usual, but I still let out quite a few moans and other sounds which left him hissing at me to be quiet or we’d get caught. Like we were sneaking in any way.

I chuckled at the memory. Kieron moved slightly behind me as the knocking came again. Rolling onto my back I sighed and hoped they’d go away. Kieron grunted, burying his face under his pillow with a low grumble, leaving me smirking at him even as I tossed the door a quick glare, hoping whoever was there would leave us alone. Kieron got in late last night, and we didn’t get to bed until a few hours ago. And that was _after_ all the exhausting and wonderful-

But the knocking persisted, until the door started to creak open. I bolted into a sitting position, aware that Kieron was naked beneath the covers, and the bond did not particularly like the thought of anyone entering to potentially see that, because that was _mine_.

 _Mine_.

Bekkah poked her head in, smiling at me.

“Sorry,” she said quietly. “Didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Go away,” Kieron muttered from under his pillow. “The sun’s not even up.”

“Yes it is, silly,” she said. “The pillow is blocking the light.”

“So it’s still dark out,” he said. “Go away.”

She chuckled and shook her head, looking at me before nodding out of the room. I sighed and climbed out from under the covers, slipping away from Kieron’s warmth which I wanted nothing more than to curl up into, and grabbed my clothes off the ground. Others would need to be cleaned first. I quickly clothed myself while Kieron’s breaths began to even out again, and then I exited the room, the door closing quietly behind us, leaving Kieron be.

“Yes?” I asked through a yawn. “Something wrong?”

“In a way,” she sighed.

Instantly I was more awake, staring at her. “What is it?”

“Screamers,” she said quietly. “They’re not in town yet, but they are nearby. A group of Etherians has already been assembled to head them off, but they were quite insistent that you join them.”

“Me?” I whispered, frowning. “Why me?”

“Because you’re supposed to be uniting them, and they want you with them.”

“I’m not a fighter,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m not even a diplomat.”

“Nevertheless, they expect you to come. They requested that your perpetual come as well.”

“What? Kieron? Why?”

She watched me carefully. “You said your abilities are directly linked to Kieron. They want your help in this fight, if you truly wish to help them. They demand that Kieron go as well since your abilities are linked to him.”

Ice. Ice in my veins. I shot the door behind me a quick glance and attempted to control the racing of my heart. Kieron would pick up on these emotions and join us out here, and I did not need him doing that. He couldn’t come with me.

“I’m not taking him into battle,” I told Bekkah firmly, gaze shifting back toward her.

She nodded. “I knew you would say that. Unfortunately, I don’t think you really have a choice.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I snapped.

She gestured toward the door. “There is a group of Etherians ready to lead you _both_ into battle. If you don’t go they see all your previous words of wanting to help them as a lie, and won’t become the allies we need.”

“I’m not a fighter,” I told her, swallowing thickly. “I’m not even a diplomat.”

“Nevertheless, that is what they want. If you do not do as they ask… there will be a lot of negative repercussions. You don’t have to be on the frontlines, Terry; but they need to know you support them and are willing to fight with them. They know you’re human, and humans have limitations. But they need you to be there.”

“Kieron stays here,” I told her. “I’m willing to go, that’s fine, but he’s staying here. That’s not negotiable.”

The Screamers wanted me alive. Sure, they’d nearly killed me before, but I hoped they learned from their mistakes. They wanted to capture me, though; not kill me. Kieron, on the other hand… They wanted him _dead_. More than that, I knew they wanted him to suffer. The risk of his death or capture was too great at this point; he couldn’t go with me.

_And it started off as such a nice morning…_

“Terry…”

“No,” I snapped, glaring at her. “Do you hear me? He’s not going. You’re going to make sure of that.”

“What do you want me to do? He’s stronger than me.”

“Figure something out!” I hissed. “It was your idea for me to even talk to them! I’m willing to do this for the sake of _allies_ , but I will _not_ risk Kieron, do you hear me? Keep him here, or the deal is off.”

Silence surrounded us for a moment. She wasn’t happy about this, but neither was I. I could walk away if I wanted, right? Kieron would go with me. We’d figure something out. This was the easiest – having allies, building our own army to fight against Exrie. I was willing to do a lot of things to help in this war I’d caused, but risking Kieron wasn’t one of them. It never would be.

“You realize he’s probably heard everything, right?” she finally asked quietly.

“Keep him here,” I told her. “Whatever you have to do, _keep him here_. Tie him down if you have to, but I swear to God, Bekkah, if you let him near that battlefield…”

The mere thought of it left a growl slipping free of my throat, a burning sensation rolling through my body.

She nodded. “I’ll try my best,” she said, shaking her head. “But I think this is a mistake, Terry. They know your abilities are linked to Kieron. They are going to expect to see him there, and he won’t be happy about this.”

“Let him be mad, I don’t care.”

He could be mad all he wanted; at least he wouldn’t be captured or dead.

I eyed the door. “You said they’re waiting outside?”

She nodded quietly.

“I don’t have a weapon.”

“They have a sword for you.”

_A sword._

My steps toward the door faltered and I looked back at her. “I’ve never, um… trained with a sword…”

Only knives and daggers. Kieron was going to ask around for a gun but I wasn’t going to hold my breath for that, since it was apparently so taboo here.

“It’s like a knife,” she told me. “But bigger.”

“Gee, thanks,” I muttered, shaking my head, rubbing the heel of my palm into my head. It didn’t matter, anyway; I had to do this. I didn’t have to be in the front of the battle, but I needed to be there all the same. They needed to know I’d fight with them. This made sense, but I still didn’t like it.

I didn’t like the thought of abandoning Kieron, leaving him here like this, when I was the one always complaining when he tried to keep us apart. It didn’t feel right to be going behind his back, telling Bekkah to keep him here no matter what. I felt like such a hypocrite; wasn’t I the one always complaining about being left behind, where it was _safe_ while he went off and fought?

_I’m sorry, Kieron. Be mad all you want, but at least you’ll be safe._

Maybe this was how he felt when he left me behind.

I snorted; he wasn’t nearly that sentimental.

I could bring him with me, and draw strength from him. I could send ‘happy’ thoughts his way as a sort of relief for any injuries he might obtain, and-

_They might have…_

They might have those perpetual-killing weapons. They might have _gold_ …

My resolve sharpened.

_Kieron stays here._

My hand caught the door handle and twisted.

The group outside was larger than I expected. I froze under their intense gazes, and then took in a slow breath.

 _Think of Kieron,_ I told myself.

I was doing this to keep him safe.

And to help in this war I caused. I owed it to these people to do this.

I couldn’t back out now.

A sword was held out to me. I eyed it warily even as I stepped forward to accept it. The Etherian handing it to me gave me a once over, scanning me from head to toe as my hand clasped around the hilt of the sword. It was heavier than I thought but I didn’t let it show, easily grasping and adjusting to the weight, holding it casually at my side. The guy gave me a firm nod and then turned around to walk back toward the group.

“Where’s your perpetual, human?” someone called from the crowd.

“Kieron won’t be joining us today, I’m afraid,” I said as steadily as I could manage, hoping my fear and nervousness didn’t show through my otherwise calm façade as I stepped toward them, slinging the sword over my shoulder.

“What a coward!” someone said.

I tossed the group a sharp glance. “I’m willing to fight with you – I want to help you. I want to stop Exrie and the Screamers. Kieron can’t come today, I’m sorry. There will be other battles.”

“So your perpetual isn’t here?”

“No,” I said, hardening my gaze, daring him to comment on the lie, “he’s not. Now, let’s get moving. Lead the way.”

After a few murmurs and grumbles – where I could have sworn I heard them mention Kieron and how he was a _coward_ – they finally started to move out. I tossed the house a quick glance and prayed Bekkah kept Kieron there, like I’d asked her to do.

_I’m sorry, Kieron. But I need you safe._

I could focus on this war and on fighting only then.

 

The battle didn’t happen gradually. There was no spying an enemy and charging toward them. Instead, we were ambushed in the trees. I forgot what it was like not to have perpetuals with me. A group of perpetuals was supposed to arrive sometime tomorrow, to join our side, but they hadn’t arrived yet and I’d grown accustomed to Kieron’s sharp senses and reflexes alerting me to an enemy’s presence. This was a group lacking in perpetuals. There was no early warning.

Only death.

I stared in horror at the dead bodies, freshly killed, blood pooling at my feet from the two who dropped in front of me. The rest of the Etherians moved forward while I hung back with a select few, as was the plan. They wanted me here, but needed me alive. I wasn’t sure what their plan was, other than that.

But at least Kieron wasn’t here.

I could breathe a little easier knowing that.

I wondered if he’d even woken yet. I hadn’t sensed anything through the bond; he hadn’t tried to contact me via mental link. Maybe he was still asleep and didn’t even know I’d left him behind. Good. Maybe I could return to him without him ever knowing, although, somehow, I felt that was rather unlikely.

The snarls were familiar. Screamers were lethal and quick. They were difficult even for perpetuals; what chance did we have against them? I watched bodies hit the ground around me as the Screamers ripped through the frontline fighters, and I was forced to watch this terrible battle.

We would never beat the Screamers without perpetual support. The two groups needed to work together to defeat this enemy, and defeat Exrie. I could see this even more clearly now.

But the perpetuals wouldn’t get here in time.

And there were so many screamers…

_So many…_

A snarl to the right caught my attention. A screamer inched toward one of the other guys left back here with me. This particular guy was unaware of his impending demise. I took a breath and charged forward, waving my sword wildly. I caught the screamer across the side and it snarled and ducked away from me, angry yellow eyes focusing on me, their strange, discolored blood coating my blade as I slashed at the screamer again.

Fighting screamers wasn’t a good idea. Kieron said they weren’t immortal, but were nearly impossible to kill. The best you could hope to do was injure it enough to make back off or to knock it out and get away before more showed up since there was rarely just one screamer involved. He said screamers hated losing consciousness, so if they thought they were about to be knocked out, they would usually retreat, too.

I shifted my aim toward this screamer’s head and swung my sword around again.

It ducked under the blow and lashed out with a clawed hand, catching me by the shoulder, leaving me staggering away from it. In that moment it lunged at its original target. The guy had of course noticed the screamer by now and raised his own blade to slash at the screamer’s stomach. This did not save him.

I watched as his body fell to the ground, slumped over the trunk of a downed tree, long-rotted. The screamer’s bloody, clawed hands flexed at its sides as it turned to face me, a wicked grin splitting across its face, sharp fangs visible. It stepped toward me.

I hunkered down as much as I could while still standing, attempting to make myself a smaller target, like Kieron taught me. I held the sword up as much as I could, attempting to copy the way Kieron showed me, but he’d never trained me with a sword. This was heavy and long and I wasn’t entirely sure how to properly use it. I couldn’t be very fast with this.

The screamer lunged toward me.

I slashed out with my sword, stabbing upward at the last minute. I managed to catch it in the ear, somehow. It howled and leapt away from me, staggering as it disappeared through the brush and into the trees. Good; I got it in the head, and it didn’t want to go unconscious so it fled.

Even so, there was so much death around me. How many screamers were there?

_Too many._

Yes, but how many?

I had no idea. I couldn’t count them. I just knew we were losing.

Or were we?

I couldn’t actually _see_ any screamers nearby. I could still hear sounds of battle – swords clanging, snarls cutting the air – but couldn’t see any of it happening around me, not with my position in the back, where it was safest. Besides that one screamer.

I was just supposed to be moral support, dammit.

“The things you get yourself into, human.”

My spine snapped taut and I spun, staring at those familiar blue eyes, despite the fact they were a shade lighter, covered with those contacts. “ _Kieron_ ,” I choked, “you can’t be here! Why are you here?”

My perpetual eyed the sword I held in my grasp, the tip of it buried into the dirt at my feet. “We didn’t get to practice with those yet, did we?”

“Why are you here?” I snapped.

His expression flattened. “I think the better question is: why are _you_ here?”

“Because this is my fight.”

“Is it?”

“Yes! I… I caused this war, Kieron, and… and I have to…”

“So… you thought your weak human self could… what? Kill a few screamers and come away unscathed?”

“Kie…”

“And you didn’t think to bring a perpetual? To whom your powers are linked?”

“Please leave,” I said quietly, watching him, a lump heavy in my throat. “Please, Kieron, you… you gotta go.”

“Why did you leave me behind, Terry?” Kieron stepped a little closer, expression still mostly blank.

“Kieron, _please_ , it’s not safe to-”

“So this is Kieron, then?” someone asked, and I swallowed as I looked over Kieron’s shoulder to find a small group of guys standing there. There were four of them, covered in discolored screamer blood but otherwise unscathed, it seemed. They eyed Kieron reproachfully. “You’re the animalistic fellow, huh?”

Kieron dipped his head in the smallest of nods as he turned to face them. “That would be correct.”

“I thought you said he wasn’t here,” someone else in the small group said, glancing at me.

“I just returned,” Kieron replied, shaking his head, dragging their attention back to him. “What’s happening here?”

“We could use you up front,” someone said.

My breath caught in my throat.

“We don’t need a damn animalistic-” another protested.

“We need all the help we can get right now!” defended another.

“Not from the likes of him!”

“So you’d rather die because of your stubbornness?”

“I’d rather die with some dignity! Fraternizing with these _abominations_ is despicable!”

“We need the help!”

“No need to fight over me,” Kieron chimed in cheekily as he scrubbed at the back of his neck with his hand. “Just point me in a direction.”

“That way, please,” someone said tiredly, gesturing toward the front of the battle. Or, where I assumed to be the front, anyway.

Kieron nodded and began to walk that way. I watched him go for a second as the others returned to their argument. After taking in a slow breath I hefted my sword and chased after my perpetual.

“You should stay back there, Terry,” Kieron commented absently.

“Don’t do this,” I told him, dragging the sword after me, the tip still lightly touching the dirt on the ground.

“It’s my job.”

“I don’t care, dammit, Kieron, you-”

“Get back there, Terry.”

My fingers caught hold of the back of his threadbare, dark gray shirt, lightly pulling him back toward me. He stopped, and I stopped behind him.

“Don’t do this,” I told him quietly. “You can… hang back with me. We can be the last line of defense.”

_Just don’t go up there alone._

I knew he wouldn’t let me anywhere near the front of the battle. I also knew I wouldn’t be very useful there, at least not until I got some better training, especially with a sword. He’d have to keep an eye on me and worry about me, and that would distract him from his own fighting. So I knew I couldn’t go up there with him if he chose to go there, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t going to ask him to stay here with me. To _demand_ he stay here with me, even if he would hate that.

“Go back, human.”

“Please,” I said softly, watching him, the rigidity of his shoulders, his back still to me as I stood slightly behind him, fingers still clutching at his shirt. “They want me alive; they want you dead, Kieron. This is… This is crazy.”

“We came here to help.”

“ _I_ came here to help,” I corrected him. “You came with me. So be with me, and come back with me.”

“’Being with you’ didn’t seem to mean anything a minute ago when you told Bekkah to make sure I stayed behind.”

I winced. “You heard that, huh?”

“Of course I did.”

That would explain why I felt nothing through the bond. That would explain why he didn’t try to contact me.

“How long were you following me?” I asked.

“Does it matter?” he shot back.

I took in a slow breath. “I… I guess not, but… _fuck_ , Kieron, they might have those… those weapons.”

_Those perpetual-killing weapons._

Gold. Poisonous.

“This is my job, human. I’ll be fine. It’s just screamers.”

“They could have-”

“I’ll be careful,” he told me.

“Kieron-”

“I’ll be careful,” he repeated, looking at me over his shoulder. “I appreciate the concern, human, but I’ll be fine. You hang back like you were doing, and I’ll do my part.”

I chewed on my lower lip, considering his words. I couldn’t do anything on the frontlines, not without him. My abilities only ignited when he was in danger; it was personally tied to him. But it couldn’t distinguish between friend and foe, either. I’d almost killed Tommy, once, because my mind perceived him as a threat because I was so worried for Kieron.

I couldn’t trust my ability here. Not until I knew Kieron could calm me down, and if it activated in a fight, where he was in danger… I wasn’t sure how he’d be able to do that.

I was just as dangerous as the enemy, it seemed.

I wondered if any of them thought about this little fact.

Kieron slipped out of my grasp, leaving me clutching at air.

“Go back, Terry,” he said over his shoulder as he walked forward. “I’ll be fine.”

My plan seemed so stupid now. Leaving Kieron behind while I went to battle. I was a pathetic human whose abilities were tied to their perpetual, and whose abilities could easily kill the allies as well. I had forgotten that one, tiny yet so important detail. And now Kieron was going toward the frontlines.

“Be careful,” I finally managed to say in a rough whisper, but my words made it to him nevertheless.

“Back at you,” he replied, before slipping behind some trees and out of sight.

I stood there, staring after him for what felt like forever.

Then I took in a slow breath and forced myself to turn around and go back the way I’d came.

 

The battle ended sometime later. I had no idea how long we had been here. My skin hadn’t stopped burning since I turned on my heel and let Kieron walk away, but I felt no phantom aches. I hoped that meant he was okay, and not that he was hiding his injuries from me. Somehow, I doubted he came away unscathed with so many screamers around.

I scanned the returning crowd of people – so few compared to before the battle – and sought that mop of blue hair, yet saw it nowhere. A tight knot formed in my stomach as I attempted to find my perpetual in the mess of bodies around me.

By the time the trees gave way to the town we were in, I’d apologized for stepping on at least four people in my haste to scan the crowd for my perpetual. So far I hadn’t found him, and asking people didn’t seem to help. They either scowled at the mention of a perpetual, animalistic or otherwise, or said they saw him earlier but had no idea where he was now.

Which left me back at square one.

_Kie, where are you…_

The sword was too heavy in my hands. I longed to drop it somewhere but felt that would be rude, so I would have to carry it back to the house. I knew the way from here, so I broke off from the crowd even as I eyed the people as they moved past me. Kieron could meet me back at the house. Perhaps he broke away from the crowd after the battle to do just that.

Uncertain, I left the group and began the walk toward the house.

Ashere stood there on the porch. “How was war?” he asked dryly, sipping at something in a mug he held in his hands.

I tossed him a quick scowl. “Where’s Kieron? Is he here?”

His brows drew together. “No, I haven’t seen him. I assumed he was with you.”

I scrubbed a hand over my face, tossing the sword on the ground by the steps, frustration raging through me.

_Where are you, dammit…_

“Where’s Bekkah?”

She could help me find Kieron… after I’d yelled at her for not keeping Kieron here, of course.

“She left with Kieron to help you,” Ashere said. “Is she not with you?”

“I… I didn’t see her,” I told him truthfully. But it did make sense for the two lower-tier perpetuals to join the fight while Ashere stayed here. Irritation flickered through me but I shoved it aside for now. I could deal with it later; right now I needed to focus on finding Kieron. “Where do you think they could be?”

“They’ll turn up,” he said.

“What if they don’t?”

“Why, is the bond telling you otherwise?”

I looked away, chewing on my lower lip. “I don’t… I don’t know. My skin isn’t burning anymore.”

“Then I’m sure they’re fine,” he said, sounding almost relieved.

I sighed and trudged past him into the house, where I slammed the door closed behind me, pausing halfway through the living room to pinch at the bridge of my nose with my finger and thumb, sighing heavily.

_Where are you, you bastard…_

The door behind me opened, then, and I spun around to-

“Kie,” I whispered, hurrying forward.

He was covered in blood, both red and discolored. He looked down at his hands and arms, covered with the sticky liquids. “It’s not mine,” he murmured, gaze shifting toward my face momentarily.

“Where were you?” I asked, stopping just short of touching him, not wanting to hurt him if he was lying and was actually hurt somewhere.

“Walked back a different way,” he told me. “Not everyone was… _welcoming_ , I guess. Made my own way here.”

I nodded. That made sense. “Are you okay?”

I could finally breathe again now that he was here.

“I’m fine,” he said, rolling his eyes. “I’d like to get these contacts out, though. And shower.” He looked at me through his eyelashes. “Care to join me?”

I choked out a shaky laugh and nodded, latching onto his arm as he strode through the living room, toward the hallway which led into the bathroom.

We entered the bathroom and stripped wordlessly. My gaze lingered on him but not for anything sexual – I was eying him for injuries, but he truly did seem okay. Even when he was in the thick of the fray, he seemed fine. It must have been because he had a lot of people fighting at his side. I smiled at the smooth, mostly unscarred skin – save for those damn matching marks on his chest and back – and slipped into the shower with him.

The water was hot, which left me sighing contentedly as it washed over my shoulders. Kieron stood behind me, toward the back of the shower. I stepped forward a little to let him have some of the water, too. His muscles were probably more sore than mine were.

It was the first battle of this war with allies, I realized. The first fight where we weren’t alone. It was also the first time I saw an actual _fight_ like that. A battle. Usually we ran into a few screamers here, a few there, but this was a full on battle. I didn’t even want to think about how many were dead after today, and I especially didn’t want to think about the fact Kieron saw battles like that _all the time_.

I turned to face my perpetual. His eyes were closed as the water slipped over his body, his head bowed in a relieved sort of way. Sore muscles, then. I slid toward him and lightly pushed at his shoulder, gesturing for him to turn around. His eyes opened, contact free and glowing, to toss me a confused look but I just smiled and motioned for him to turn around. He did so slowly, somewhat hesitantly, now facing the back of the shower instead of me and the front. I shifted the spray so it would still hit him back there, and then approached him.

I blocked a lot of the spray, I realized belatedly, and stepped toward the side a little so the water would still hit his back. From there I allowed my hands to come up and knead into tense and sore muscles on his shoulders, and then slipping downward, careful of that scar on his back in case it was hurting again. I really hoped he talked to someone about that.

Kieron was putty under my hands – warm, slick, and oh so tender.

I kissed the back of his shoulder as he leaned his forehead against the wall in front of him, sighing heavily as his shoulders drooped a little more. “I love you,” I said quietly, allowing my hands to slip down lower, kneading new muscles.

Kieron grunted in response. Not exactly sentimental. I chuckled.

“One day,” I told him, “I will get you to say it.”

“Not likely, human,” he replied.

“Not ‘likely’, eh? So it _is_ possible, is that what you’re telling me?” I couldn’t help but ask, smiling at him.

He snorted and didn’t reply.

He did, however, turn around so that his back was to the wall, his glowing eyes focusing on me. I placed my hands on his chest, careful of the scar in case it hurt, and smiled at him again.

“We should probably actually shower now,” he told me.

I sighed but he was right. The hot water wouldn’t stay hot forever.

 


	6. Traveling Orders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Elders give Kieron a bizarre order. Bekkah can't stop laughing. Terry can't stop smiling. Kieron is just... embarrassed all around.

Chapter Six: Travelling Orders

 

The perpetuals arrived the next day. They came around mid-afternoon, and as I stood in front of them, I couldn’t help but be almost relieved. I’d been dealing with perpetuals longer than I had normal Etherians; in a way, this seemed easier. They weren’t wary because Kieron was a perpetual because they were perpetuals themselves. They understood already that Kieron was animalistic; they weren’t particularly happy about it, but they didn’t complain. Convincing them to work with Etherians was easy, too, since that was, originally, the job of perpetuals – to better the lives of everyone in Ethereal and fight for them.

So on the whole I preferred to work with the perpetuals if I had a choice.

Since I was done speaking to them – and several seemed unhappy that a _human_ was supposedly in charge of this, though I couldn’t blame them and no one ever really said anything outright – I returned inside to find Kieron waiting for me with that glow in his eyes. It still hadn’t gone away. I was beginning to wonder if it ever would; a part of me hoped it wouldn’t. Another part knew it had to, for Kieron’s sake.

“No contacts today?” I asked.

He scowled. He liked the contacts because they allowed him to go outside; he didn’t like them because it was still a form of hiding, and they made his eyes itchy. He wore them when necessary. “How was the speech?”

“Didn’t you hear it?”

He shrugged. “In your words. How do you think it went?”

“Well enough,” I said. “Perpetuals are so much easier to talk to.”

He laughed, cutting it off a suddenly as the sound emerged in the first place. “I see,” he said. “Most would think otherwise.”

I shrugged. “I’m not most people.”

“You’re not,” he agreed.

I smiled at him. “That’s good, right?” I asked, stepping closer to him. His shoulders moved in a lazy shrug and I chuckled, reaching up to throw my arms around his neck, pulling him toward me. He followed through with the movement and his lips met mine in a quick kiss before he pulled his head back, watching me.

“We should pack,” he said. “We are leaving in an hour.”

I chewed on my lower lip because this was the first I was hearing about this. “Oh,” I finally said, because I was intelligent like that, of course. I hung my head. “More traveling, then. Where to this time?”

“I don’t know,” he said.

“When… Do you think we could go home soon? To the apartment, I mean,” I quickly clarified, though I did hope he thought of the apartment as home. It was his home as much as it was mine; and it wasn’t really home without him there with me.

“Soon, I think. Hope, anyway.”

“You miss it too?” I asked somewhat hopefully, watching him as he rolled his eyes.

“I wouldn’t go that far,” he said. “But I don’t like traveling all the time. Staying in one place is… frustrating, but also nice.”

“Frustrating?”

“I’ve been on the move pretty much my whole life, human; that habit is hard to break. That being said, I find I sometimes don’t mind spending time in one place.”

I grinned. “The apartment has grown on you, hasn’t it?”

He rolled his eyes again and I laughed.

I was happy he liked the apartment. True, the apartment was originally just for me, a place to stay while he was away fighting in Ethereal in the war I unintentionally caused, but as time went on, it didn’t feel like home unless I shared it with someone. It wasn’t home unless he was there with me. Kieron had never truly had a home, as I saw in his memories. A part of him had always yearned for it, secretly, buried so far down I wondered if he managed to hide it from even himself, but it was there all the same. I hoped he thought of the apartment as his home, too.

I missed the apartment. I missed home.

Tommy was probably worried, but I told him I would be away in Ethereal for a while. It wasn’t easy for my brother to accept the existence of such a place, to accept Kieron, or anything else I tried to tell him. I left out the part about me having abilities; I left out the part about me having caused a war. I told him there was a war and that Kieron was a soldier, in a way, but as far as he knew I wasn’t involved. That was probably the only reason I managed to keep him from coming with me this time. He could get overprotective sometimes. I usually didn’t mind, but in this case it could mean he would endanger himself, and I truly didn’t want that. He had a family to worry about, after all.

I had been gone for a while – just over a week. I told him I wasn’t sure how long this would take, but even so, I knew he was probably at least a little antsy right now. I hoped we could go home soon. As much as I could enjoy Ethereal at times, it would never be home. Most Etherians hated humans; too much could kill me. I was weak and pathetic here. I was normal back home.

Except, this was Kieron’s home. He was normal here. Back at the apartment… he was out of place, surrounded by humans. Tommy still didn’t like him, though they were no longer snapping at each other or accusing each other of things. Things could still be tense at times, especially if either of us mentioned the war. It would make my brother worry, and he would in turn blame Kieron for attempting to take me to Ethereal where the war was happening.

This was Kieron’s home, though. He was always moving, here, but it was familiar to him. He seemed at ease for the most part. I wondered if I was keeping him from something he wanted when we were secluded at the apartment. He never complained about it, though.

“Human?”

I blinked, unaware I’d been so lost in my thoughts that I hadn’t even heard Kieron speaking to me. Now I focused on him and gave him an apologetic smile. “Sorry, my mind was elsewhere. What is it?”

“I asked if you were hungry,” he said. “But if you want to ignore me, I’ll be more than happy to eat all the food.”

My eyes widened. “No! I’m hungry.”

He chuckled and shook his head, and I followed him to the kitchen.

 

Days passed. The majority of the time was spent traveling, and then talking to groups of Etherians mixed with perpetuals, and then we moved on again to do the same thing in another area. A week went by in this odd sort of blur. The routine was old and tried and I found myself having memorized my speech so that when I gave it this past time, all I had to do was open my mouth and the words came automatically. I didn’t even have to think about the speech I was giving.

I wanted to go back home.

I wanted to stop traveling so much.

I wanted to stop giving all of these speeches and just go home with Kieron.

Sadly, that didn’t seem like it was going to be happening any time soon.

Currently, we were seated in the trees, in a small clearing here we’d made camp for the night. We were supposed to travel to meet some of the Elders tomorrow, to discuss the Lake and everything. I wasn’t looking forward to the conversation. The Elders weren’t exactly my favorite group of people right now.

They were too strict, too willing to throw innocent perpetuals, like Kieron, into the Lake for eternal punishment simply because they’d been born a little differently than the others. Ethereal was supposed to be comprised of different varieties of people. Or, at least, that was what Kieron told me when I’d been caught staring at an Etherian who looked a little less than human. If that was the case, though, then why would they choose to prosecute animalistic perpetuals because they were a little different than the others? It made no sense.

I was also still angry with them for the fact they managed to convince Kieron to lie to me. Or, rather, not tell me the whole truth as opposed to outright lying, but it was still basically the same thing. To determine if I was indeed the aggressor – instead of just taking our word for it, of course – they decided to pretend to take Kieron away from me and keep him away, not letting me see him again. The aggressor in my didn’t like that _at all_ , and I kind of snapped and used my still confusing abilities on them. Then Kieron returned and calmed me down and explained what happened, that it was a ruse and it was either do this, or let him be thrown into the Lake, however temporary. Either way it was terrible. We shouldn’t have had to do anything like that in the first place. It was crazy.

So, no, I wasn’t particularly fond of the Elders and I didn’t really want to see them right now. I could see how it was a necessity, though. I was the head of this war now, whether I liked it or not, and I needed the allies. I needed their intel. I needed their help.

It didn’t matter that I didn’t _want_ their help. This wasn’t about me. This was about Ethereal and defeating Exrie and the Screamers. That was much more important than my personal hurt feelings for them.

It was a chilly night. We really did set up camp, with tents and everything. It was cozy, and reminded me of camping trips when I’d been younger. Thinking about that always left me thinking of Mom, though, which just made me sad because things were never the same after she died. Everything changed.

Now, though, it was nice to be out here again. Kieron and I were sharing a tent. Kieron was outside the tent still speaking with Ashere, and I sat in the tent and tried to tell myself Ashere _wasn’t_ the bad guy, that I _didn’t_ have to feel threatened by him anymore. We had an understanding; why couldn’t the bond understand that?

I attempted to distract myself by counting in my head, counting the seconds and minutes until Kieron returned so we could sleep. It was cold, and the covers were light. We could only carry so much, perpetuals or not. So we packed light, and it was cold. Kieron’s natural core body temperature was higher than a human’s, so he was naturally warm.

He seemed to take forever.

Eventually the tent flap opened and he stepped inside, letting it fall closed behind him. I watched his shadow move in the darkness, the only light of the green flames in the fire outside, casting odd shadows across his form as he sat down next to me. His eyes were still glowing, though. We weren’t sure when that was going to end, but it had been a while since he’d claimed me. How much longer were his eyes going to glow? It didn’t bother me, but he seemed a little more irritated with them each passing day.

“Everything good?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said. “The Elders are running behind schedule; we might stay here a few days. They were held up.”

“By what?”

“I don’t know. But they’ll be there soon enough.”

I nodded. “Right. Okay, then. So we’re staying in this clearing…”

We couldn’t travel to the next town like we were going to do anyway? Then again, we’d been moving nonstop for a while now, sometimes not even stopping to stay the night in a new town. We got to town, I gave my speech, and then we left again to do the same thing in yet another town.

So I didn’t mind staying in one place for a bit, even if it was chilly.

Kieron lay down next to me, and with his warmth pressed against my side, I could finally close my eyes and sleep.

 

When I woke the next morning, Kieron was gone. I stared at the empty space next to me in the tent we shared, frowning, before I yawned and got up. I fitted my jacket onto my shoulders and exited the tent, sweeping my gaze across the clearing. Bekkah sat near the fireplace they made the night before, poking at the crispy bits of bark and wood still left in the ashes. She looked up as I approached, and smiled.

“Good morning, Terry,” she said cheerfully.

I couldn’t help but smile back. “Hey,” I said. “Where’s Kieron?”

“He and Ashere went on ahead,” she said dismissively, looking back toward the ashes. “They’ll be back later.”

“Oh.”

“He didn’t want to wake you,” she said, easily sensing my concerns. “He’ll be back soon. They’re just checking on progress in town.”

“Does he have his contacts?”

“Yes,” she said, smirking as she glanced at me again. “Don’t worry so much. Kieron has been looking after himself longer than either of us has been alive.”

This was very true. He’d basically had to look after himself since he was five, and he was well over eight-hundred now. He was skilled in looking after himself, which made it difficult to gain his trust in the first place. He was so used to keeping everyone away that my sudden presence, in his life and in his mind, left him out of his element. Chipping away at the walls he’d crowded his mind with was harder than it should have been. Life or death situations were supposed to make people bond quicker; it took a long time to get this far into our relationship.

Then again, looking on the larger scale, perhaps it wasn’t that long after all. Ashere tried chipping away at his walls for years, maybe even centuries, and he never got as far as I did. It took a while for me, I thought, but for Kieron it probably seemed so fast.

Sighing, I scrubbed a hand across my face. Despite how Kieron could look after himself just fine, that didn’t mean I couldn’t worry. He was my boyfriend, my bond-mate; if I couldn’t worry about him, who could I worry about?

 

Kieron returned before too long, thankfully, though Ashere wasn’t with him. I frowned until Kieron explained that Ashere was waiting in town, setting up the house we’d be staying in for a bit. He promised we’d stay there for a little while; a few days, at least. I smiled gratefully. He said the Elders were back on track and would be there by the end of today, so we needed to head to town now.

The walk to town was easy enough. By this point I was used to traveling like this, long stretches through the day or night, miles of walking. It used to bother me, when I first arrived in Ethereal when Kieron and I first met. Now it was as familiar and normal as breathing.

The house we were going to be staying in was large. From the outside it looked old and intimidating – like it would be haunted, if we were back home. Kieron led the way inside and led the way to the room we would be sharing. There were five bedrooms in this house, a large kitchen, a living room the size of my whole apartment, two bathrooms… It had everything. It was so large.

I tossed my things on the large, kind-sized bed in the room and looked at Kieron to see him taking his contacts out, scowling as he put them back into the little blue box, carefully. When he looked at me his eyes were glowing, still.

“How long are they going to keep glowing?” I asked, because it bothered him.

He shrugged. “I don’t know.” He sounded frustrated, this rough edge to his voice as he scowled and looked away.

I released a slow breath, running a hand through my too-long hair. It wasn’t in the ponytail today; I lost my band somewhere in that clearing the night before. I was in desperate need of a haircut, but it could wait until we got back to the apartment. Got back _home_. Kieron could use one as well, not that I didn’t like him with longer hair. I just knew it irritated him somewhat because he kept blowing it out of his face.

“When can we go home, Kie?” I asked quietly, unaware the words were even on my mind until they tumbled out of my mouth.

Kieron shrugged and lay down on the bed, yawning as he lay on his back, looking up at the ceiling. The room was nice, and large, but it wasn’t home. I felt out of place here, even though we’d been away from the apartment for a while now. All I wanted to do was go home with Kieron.

“I’ll ask,” he promised.

“Ask?” I repeated, frowning. “Ask who?”

“Elders.”

I scowled before I realized what I was doing. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

“Who else are we going to ask?”

He had a point. I sighed. “Fine, just… don’t get in trouble.”

They already seemed less-than-happy with him. I didn’t want him getting in trouble, because the punishments for perpetuals seemed rather… harsh. He got ‘hurt’ for his punishment for simply lying to them. Their ultimate punishment was the Lake. Who knew what else they would or could do…

“Are you going to… ask them about, um…” I tapped a finger to my chest on the right side.

“My scar?” he asked, glancing at me, and I nodded. “I don’t know.”

“Would they know…?”

“I don’t know.”

I released a slow breath, running a hand through my too-long, tangled hair. “Right. Um. You should ask, just… in case.”

“In case what?”

I looked away. “You _know_ what.”

“Terry. Look at me.”

I took in a breath and looked back at him to find him sitting up in bed now, palms splayed behind him at his sides, holding him up as he looked at me, eyes glowing.

“There’s nothing wrong with me,” he told me quietly. “I’m fine. Stop worrying over a scar.”

“It hurts,” I told him, like he didn’t know. “You said so yourself.”

“Yes – but it’s been doing that for a while. If something was going to happen, it would have already.”

He had a point, of course. He always had a point. It made arguing with him difficult. Nevertheless, I couldn’t help but worry. I’d nearly lost him too many times; I wasn’t sure what I’d do if this scar did something to him, after we’d both ignored it for so long. I couldn’t believe I’d forgotten about it in the first place; forgotten that he said it caused him pain occasionally, enough pain to leave him growling and shoving me away if I touched it accidentally. It was the only scars which hadn’t healed on his otherwise smooth, untarnished flesh.

They seemed out of place, a constant reminder of how close…

“Just ask them,” I said after a moment of silence. “Please. For me.”

“Alright,” he sighed, shaking his head, chuckling faintly. “For you.”

I smiled at him and neared the bed. His hand reached out, fingers curling around the curve of my hip as he yanked me down next to him on the bed, our mouths meeting almost instantly.

 

I didn’t actually have to speak to the Elders, apparently. I was kept in the house that night while Kieron, Ashere and Bekkah went to speak with them. I wasn’t complaining about not having to go, really – I didn’t like the Elders, after all – but being left behind wasn’t that great, either. Why couldn’t I go with them, if they had to go? What would they think about Kieron’s glowing eyes, if they saw them? Would they know he _claimed_ me? Would they know what that actually meant, while we were still trying to figure it out?

Would they punish him for it?

I snarled.

_He didn’t do anything wrong. It was my choice._

I thought it would help him, help _us_. Other than his glowing eyes, things seemed great between us, better than they’d ever been, in fact. I couldn’t bring myself to regret the decision, and Kieron never complained about it, other than scowling because his eyes were still too bright and he now had to wear contacts. Other than that, he seemed perfectly fine with it.

_Content, maybe?_

Was my perpetual content?

A smile slid across my face even as I sighed and sat heavily on the bed Kieron and I were sharing. The perpetuals had been gone for nearly two hours – at least, I was guessing. There wasn’t actually a clock here. For all I knew they’d been gone all night, or maybe they’d only been gone for a few minutes. Either way, I was getting antsy, but even if I went looking for them I would have no idea where to start.

Why couldn’t I go with them? They made me talk to everyone else; why not the Elders as well? Then again, the Elders already knew my role in all of this, really. Perhaps they were just informing the perpetuals about the war so far, and the state of the Lake since Exrie managed to capture it.

My stomach churned at the thought.

Exrie now had all of these animalistic perpetuals. I knew not all of them would join him – at least, I _hoped_ not – but there were a lot who _would_ join him, and I knew they would be difficult to fight. Not only were they animalistic – supposedly the worst kind of perpetual and the hardest to ‘deal with’ – but they were also going to be bitter and angry at having been thrown into the Lake like they were nothing, being punished for simply existing. I knew not all of the perpetuals in the Lake were animalistic; some were there because they did something to deserve it, perhaps went on a killing spree of innocent victims, but a lot of them were there simply because they were born different.

And to think Kieron – _my Kieron_ – could have been thrown in there simply because he was born with a rougher side to him…

I closed my eyes and took in a slow breath.

If he’d been thrown in there, it wouldn’t affect me, I told myself. I would never have met him in the woods when he first tackled me. He wouldn’t have been there, I wouldn’t have seen him, and I wouldn’t have been dragged into all of this, into Ethereal. Or maybe I would have – a different perpetual could have been assigned to that particular gateway instead of Kieron, and perhaps they would have killed me like Kieron was supposed to, before he realized I could actually see him, which was apparently important.

If by some miracle this other perpetual let me live like Kieron did… would they have saved me from the screamers who came after me at the apartment later?

I shook the thoughts away. None of it mattered; if a different perpetual saved me, kept me alive, and I was bonded to them, there was no way to know if it would be the same, because this was all speculation. Kieron found me, Kieron saved me, and I was bonded to _him_. Imaging something else was ridiculous; I loved Kieron, not this hypothetical person. I wouldn’t have had the same kind of bond with them, I was sure.

_Why am I thinking about this._

If Kieron was thrown into the Lake when he was younger, like was planned originally, I wouldn’t have met him. I wouldn’t have known what it was like when he slept with me at night. I wouldn’t have known the taste of his mouth against my own, or the feel of his teeth at my skin, his hands trailing down the length of my body, the way-

**_Human, you’re not making this easy._ **

I froze, swallowing. _Um… what?_

Could he _hear_ me? Every little thought? No… probably not. He would have intervened by now, probably. He usually got _feelings_ or _impressions_ as to what I was thinking, unless _something_. I wasn’t entirely sure how this whole mind connection worked; he never talked about it, and I couldn’t listen to his thoughts like he could mine.

**_I’m trying very hard not to bite someone’s head off – you’re making this difficult._ **

_Difficult…? What do you mean? Why would you…?_

**_Lack of control, remember? If you keep having all these pervy thoughts I will not be held responsible for my actions._ **

My face burned and I covered my face with my hands. _Oh, God. You heard that._

**_I know I’m irresistible, but please control yourself._ **

Was that… _humor_ in his voice?

 _You’re enjoying this,_ I accused.

**_Not really, human – the Elders are watching me. Losing control is not an option right now._ **

I winced. _Right. I’m sorry, Kie. I’ll stop._

**_Good. On a brighter note, we can go back to the apartment after this meeting is over._ **

I grinned. _Really? Tomorrow?_

**_Yes. If you’re good and don’t make me lose control._ **

_I’ll be on my best behavior._

I couldn’t hear Kieron’s scoff, but I could picture it clearly in my mind as his thoughts, emotions, very briefly brushed against my own, before the connection died down a little as he slipped out of my mind. The bridge between our minds was still there – still vibrant in my mind, a song in the dark calling to me, connecting the two of us in ways I could never and would never understand.

The bond hadn’t been ‘closed’ in a while now. And not in the way when Kieron snapped it shut, when he was dying. I closed my eyes at the thought, taking in a slow breath, willing those images away. They would forever haunt me – the dark rings around his sunken, too-dark eyes; the pallor of his sweat-dotted face; the _whimpers_ that escaped him when the pain became too much…

_No. Stop. He’s fine._

We saved him. That was all that mattered.

The bond hadn’t been closed like _that_ since then, for which I was grateful. It hadn’t ever quite been this open before, though. It wasn’t necessarily the ‘complete’ bond like it was when he opened it fully, filling my mind with this _warmth_ and _completeness_ , like half of myself was missing and had finally been regained in a way I could never dream of understanding, but it was still quite open nonetheless. Warmth still trickled through; his thoughts were always there in the background, unintelligible and incoherent, but wonderful background noise to my own thoughts.

Occasionally I could latch onto words. Very, very briefly.

But they always slipped away rather quickly.

I scrubbed a hand across my face. We could go back home tomorrow. Back to the apartment, back to _normal_.

I had no hope of stifling the smile which crossed my face.

Something slipped through my mind, leaving me frowning because that was… a strange emotion to come from Kieron. Warm, heated, yet distant. Embarrassed.

Kieron was _embarrassed._

I smirked, picturing the look on his face.

_Kie? What’s goin’ on, huh?_

If I focused my thoughts on him, calling out to him specifically, my thoughts seemed to get through to him more. If he was listening, and was willing to answer and not simply ignore me. He wasn’t entirely used to letting people into his head, after all, and after seeing what I had of his past… I couldn’t blame him.

It was how he’d survived for so long without being thrown into the Lake, after all. It made him guarded, distant, standoffish – but all for a good reason. Self-preservation was a strong motivator to become a distant asshole.

Understanding him as I did now… I could see how hard it was for him to let me in as much as he had, even then when it seemed he could barely tolerate my existence. Looking back, I could see all those quick moments of _vulnerability_ , of _acceptance_. Maybe even affection.

The way he asked how I felt sometimes… the way he licked my forehead when my head was hurting so much I was going to pass out, since he could soothe the pain… the way he saved me so many times at risk to his own safety and even his _life_ …

_Kie?_

**_… I don’t wanna talk about it._ **

That tone. Oh, God.

I snickered. _Somethin’ wrong, Kie-Kie?_

Irritation flickered through the bond, nearly overshadowed by something else.

**_They are never going to let me live this down._ **

_Live what down?_

**_Alpha, drop it._ **

_Aw, c’mon, Kie-Kie, it can’t be **that** bad._

There was no way I was going to drop this. No way.

**_They told me how to get my eyes back to normal._ **

_Oh…_

I closed my eyes, taking in a slow breath.

_That’s… good, right?_

It didn’t matter how I felt. This was about Kieron.

**_Sure, I guess._ **

_Then what’s the problem?_

**_Bekkah won’t stop laughing._ **

I frowned, confused. _Why’s that? What’s going on?_

**_… I don’t wanna talk about it._ **

_Oh, God, it’s juicy, isn’t it? It’s so wonderful she is hysterical about it. You have to tell me – I’m your boyfriend! You must!_

Forget the fact I _liked_ his eyes how they were, this was… I had to know what was making Kieron so _embarrassed_ and Bekkah so full of laughter. Obviously it wasn’t something bad; Bekkah wouldn’t laugh at that, and Kieron wouldn’t be this closed off. He seemed fine with anything concerning negative aspects of his health, which irritated me to no end, but he was reluctant to admit anything _embarrassing_.

**_Drop it._ **

_I can’t. I need to know. I’ll die if I don’t._

**_No you won’t._ **

_You don’t know that. This is vital._

I could almost _feel_ the way he sighed, defeat in his expression. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t see him, or physically hear him right now. It didn’t matter that this was all in my head.

_Tell me._

**_… I’ve just been sanctioned for a two-week vacation…_ **

I blinked slowly, wondering if I heard correctly or if my own wishes were entering this conversation. _That’s great! Right?_

Time away at the apartment with Kieron for two weeks…

Yes. That was wonderful.

So why was Kieron so reluctant about this?

**_I don’t wanna talk about-_ **

_Too bad. Tell me. What’s going on?_

Now I was getting worried again.

_If you don’t tell me, I’m gonna worry about it until you eventually tell me. Or I could ask Bekkah…_

Kieron’s response was instant. **_No._**

I grinned, feeling only a _little_ silly about reacting to this mental conversation in a physical way. If anyone could see me right now, they would think I was crazy. I was happy Tommy wasn’t here.

He’d either worry or never let me live it down. Either way… No. It was good he couldn’t see this, and I would have to learn to school my expression.

_Then tell me, Kie. Why do you get a two-week vacation?_

Not that I was complaining, of course.

He was quiet for a long time, but I could still feel him, lingering in the back of my mind, a presence which was never unwanted.

Finally, there was a shift in my mind. Him, relenting.

**_I’ve been sanctioned for a two-week vacation so we can go to the apartment…_ **

_And…?_ I prompted.

**_… So we can have sex._ **

I spluttered and choked on my own saliva, nearly fumbling off the bed. I managed to catch myself and right my balance as I cleared my throat, swallowing thickly as I took a few deep breaths, struggling to understand what Kieron was saying.

_You… Y-You… They told you to **fuck me**?!_

Why…? Why would they _do_ that? What the _hell_?

Kieron sounded very solemn when he answered. I would have laughed if I wasn’t in shock. **_I have been ordered to take you home and fuck your brains out for two weeks. Yes. That’s what they said._**

I… didn’t know what to say to that, honestly. All I could do was stare across the room, staring into space as I pictured him in my mind. His solemn expression, the way Bekkah _had_ to be laughing her ass off at this particular order, the way Ashere _had_ to be scowling and glaring and hating me right now, and…

And how _perfect_ Kieron could look when he was angry, embarrassed… with his teeth worrying at his lower lip in what was very obviously a _pout_ though he would argue otherwise… his eyes still glowing behind the contacts, if he even still wore them… the way his mouth twisted into a scowl toward Bekkah and her laughing… the way those very lips felt against mine…

**_You’re not helping!_ **

I sucked in a sharp breath. _Sorry! I’m sorry. Fuck. But this is… kind of awesome. I’m sorry, but I can see why Bekkah’s laughing. And I can’t say I hate this order._

There was no way I could hate an order like this. An order for us to go home, _alone_ , and have sex for two weeks straight. It was something I wanted to do anything; being _ordered_ to do so, by the _Elders_ , was just hilarious.

I could understand his embarrassment now.

But it was so great…

_Can’t wait for our fuck-a-thon, Kie-Kie._

Irritation slid through the bond. **_Fuck, don’t call it that._**

_Then what would you call it, hmm?_

**_… I hate you._ **

I couldn’t stop the laugh which bubbled up my chest and throat and slid out of my mouth. _Love you too, Kie-Kie._

**_Stop calling me that._ **

_It’s either ‘Kie-Kie’ or ‘fuck-a-thon. Take your pick._

**_… Hate. You._ **

_You love me. Admit. We’re going to have hot man-sex. And you are going to enjoy it. Because I’m awesome._

**_HATE._ **

I was sure my face was going to crack from this large smile I couldn’t seem to get rid of at the moment.

_Love you, too, Kieron._

 


	7. Back Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kieron and Terry return back to their apartment to begin their 'fuck-a-thon' 2 week break...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty boring and slow, sorry :P I didn't want everything put into one chapter so... yep xD Anyway, expect explicit scenes in the next chapter, maybe next 2 chapters, who knows >.>

Chapter Seven: Back Home

 

_Home sweet home._

I couldn’t stop grinning as I unlocked the door to the apartment and pushed inside with Kieron right behind me. It was just the two of us, alone, and back in the apartment. _Our_ apartment. I turned toward him and found him looking around with this calm, relaxed expression on his face, his shoulders drooping into a more relaxed posture as he put our bags down in front of the small couch.

My apartment wasn’t anything amazing. It was small, and tight-fitting, with little room to maneuver, but it was homey at least. The front door opened to the living room; across the room sat the couch and Kieron now stood in front of it, looking across the room at me. I stood near the entryway to the kitchen. The only thing separating the kitchen and living room was a half-wall which spread across the length of the tiny kitchenette area before stopping near the small kitchen table which was the dining area. You could see over the half-wall into the kitchen from the living room.

Beyond that tiny, mostly crowded area, there was a doorway which led to the bedroom. Through the bedroom was the bathroom.

My apartment was small, but I loved it. Kieron seemed to like it, too. At least, I hoped he did. It was his home as much as it was mine.

And looking at him as he stood there, in the living room, simply looking back at me with his contacts blocking that glow of his eyes… he looked so _perfect_. Sturdy yet lithe build, firm shoulders, shaggy, somewhat curly dark blue hair which reached down almost to his chin, and he was regaining some of his color from traveling during the day so much…

And I had him to myself for two weeks.

Two weeks, uninterrupted. The Elders wouldn’t call on him for at least two weeks. If at the end of that period, he needed more time to control himself, they would allow him another week. So if we played our cards right, perhaps we could have three whole weeks together, without worrying about the war, or perpetuals, or anything other than ourselves.

“You’re going to hurt your face if you keep smiling like that,” Kieron informed me with that wonderfully smooth yet rough voice of his.

“Sorry,” I said.

He quirked a brow. “You’re apologizing to me for hurting your own face?”

I chuckled. “Well, when you put it like _that_ …”

He shook his head and nodded toward the kitchen. “Is any of the food still good?”

My stomach growled at the mention of food. Judging by the look on his face, he not only heard it, but felt the same. We were both hungry. I chewed on my lower lip and shook my head. I knew we would have to go to the store when we got back. I also had work to catch up on.

I wasn’t _behind_ , exactly, but I soon would be if I didn’t do something about it.

After I returned from Ethereal after my old apartment was ruined, the perpetuals managed to get me this apartment, which was usually under surveillance and had some kind of scent-deterrent in place to keep the Screamers from finding me. Due to a fiasco not that long ago – ultimately ending in Kieron almost _dying_ on me – my family was under surveillance as well.

The perpetuals got me this apartment, but my brother got me my online job through a friend of his. They put in a good word and now I could work from home. I had a set amount of work I had to do in a month; I could do it all at once or spread it out over a month. This allowed me to disappear to Ethereal for a while if need be.

Before, Kieron and I were usually apart, sadly. After getting this apartment I was left here while Kieron returned to Ethereal to fight against not only the Screamers and Exrie, but also against regular Etherians who decided to fight the perpetuals and the Screamers. It was one big giant mess, separate wars ultimately ending with everyone wanting to kill everyone else, in a way. Except the Screamers and the Etherians both wanted the perpetuals… _something_. I wanted to say _dead_ but that didn’t feel right. At the time, I didn’t think the Etherians even knew about the weapons which could kill perpetuals.

I took a breath, pushing those thoughts away. Thinking about those weapons left a knot in my stomach, because all it did was remind me of how closed Kieron came to-

Kieron’s fingers were fire down my sensitive skin as they slid down my cheek across my jawline, instantly catching my attention. I hadn’t heard or seen him move, too trapped in my thoughts and memories, but his touch was _bliss_. I knew his eyes were glowing so brightly behind those contacts, and it left me wanting to growl that I couldn’t see that glow. That glow that _I_ caused. That glow that was for _me_.

Primal instinct, primal need.

 _Mine_.

“Relax,” Kieron said, pulling his hand away. It took everything I had no to reach out and clasp it as it retreated, and keep it pressed against my skin. Somehow I managed. “We’ll go to the store and get groceries.”

He said it so simply, like it was commonplace. For most people, it _was_ commonplace. It was a normal weekly activity. For me… for _us_ …

Kieron plucked the car keys from their spot along the top of the half-wall separating the living room and kitchen, nodding toward the door. “I’ll drive,” he said.

I nodded and followed him out of the apartment, into my car.

My car wasn’t anything amazing. It was old and run down, but it was mine and it got us from point A to point B and that was all that mattered, really. Kieron climbed in the driver’s seat and keyed the ignition as I was buckling my seatbelt. We pulled away from the apartments and onto the road.

“What all do we need?” Kieron asked. “Anything specific, or play it by ear?”

“By ear,” I said with a small shrug. I had no idea what we needed.

I was just going to assume we were out of everything.

Then again… the sooner we got back…

“So when did you wanna begin this fuck-a-thon?”

Kieron swerved, tossing me a nasty look as he righted the vehicle and passed through a green light.

 

Kieron disappeared on me in the store as we split up to get this done faster. I went toward the essentials like shampoo and the like, while Kieron went to get the food. I hoped he remembered to get stuff to make pancakes and everything; his pancakes were delicious and I was suddenly craving them.

It didn’t take very long to get the essentials, even though I had a full cart by the time I moved toward the food section to find Kieron. I hoped he brought his own cart and wasn’t trying to carry it all in his arms, and this car was fairly full. I had to get toilet paper, paper towels, plates, shampoo, body soap, dish soap, water, etc. since they were all over in the same area of this store. Also pain relievers like Ibuprofen and Alieve; I had a feeling we were out of headache meds and the like. Kieron usually refused to take any medicine for anything – _I’m fine, human, I heal on my own_ – but I didn’t like pain at all and he was good at giving me headaches when I thought about something negative and he didn’t like it.

Plus I sometimes managed to convince him to take aspirin at the least, if he was sore and tired. This happened very rarely though.

I found Kieron in the dairy and egg aisle as he scowled at a box of eggs. The image was hilarious and I fought very hard to keep the laugh from slipping free of my mouth as I approached him. He looked up at me, the scowl dispersing as he put the eggs in his mostly full cart. I eyed both carts warily. This was going to be expensive. But we would be home for a few weeks, so it was worth it, and we didn’t get this much stuff very often. We usually just got something if we needed it, whenever we needed it, like drinks and whatnot. We were never home enough to buy groceries weekly or anything.

But we had time now.

“Find everything okay?” I asked.

He nodded. “I didn’t know what we needed.”

“Me neither,” I admitted. “But better to have too much than not enough.”

He shrugged and grabbed a carton of 2% white milk, putting in the cart, careful not to crush the bread or the eggs. I eyed the pancake mix and grinned, mentally cheering as we left that aisle and headed toward check-out. He dug through his pocket and tossed me the keys.

“Go start the car,” he said. “Make room for this shit. I’ll pay.”

I nodded, not questioning where he got this money again. He traded in favors for it, like when we went to another country and had to use their currency. I hoped he wasn’t lying when he said he didn’t have to _do_ anything to get human money. When we stayed at a hotel in Ethereal, his ‘payment’ was a favor, since that was how they bought things. It was their form of currency. And to pay for our stay in a hotel…

I didn’t like thinking about it. I knew what it was like to have something forced on you, like when Rufus pulled that ‘surprise sex’ act on me. It was basically rape; I didn’t know who he was until afterward, after all the terror and everything, so it wasn’t really consensual. In a way, Kieron consented to have sex with someone against his will – he said yes. But he didn’t really have a choice, did he? We were on the run, and to even stay in the hotel in the first place, it was a hefty price because in cities and the like, perpetuals weren’t very welcome. Normal Etherians didn’t really like them, so even stay there…

But he did it for me.

He could have slept anywhere on the ground. But after traveling for so long, we stayed in a hotel for a few days. While I enjoyed the comfortable bed and the food and the stay and everything, he was busy ‘paying’ for our stay. A purple liquid was like an aphrodisiac or something to him; the guy who ‘accepted’ his payment would wipe it on them or something, and Kieron wouldn’t be able to resist. It was basically rape; it wasn’t his _choice_ to do it. He didn’t like the person. He seemed unhappy with the arrangement, but resigned to it because that was just how things were there.

So perhaps it wasn’t really rape, but it was close.

And I hated it. I hated that he went through something like that. I hated that I hadn’t seen it sooner, or done something about it sooner. I hated that he thought that was _okay_.

The rules in Ethereal were sometimes really messed up. He never argued with them, though; it was all he’d ever known. That would be like me questioning why we paid for things with _money_. It was how I was raised and it was all I knew, so I could understand why Kieron wouldn’t argue, but to know he had to go through that kind of stuff… and to know it probably wasn’t the first time…

I took a breath and stopped outside of the car. I hadn’t even realized I’d been walking toward it and away from Kieron until now. I climbed in the driver’s seat and turned on the heat, getting the vehicle warm again, turning on the radio while I waited for Kieron.

We had a lot of groceries so it might be a few minutes.

I hummed along with a few songs, changing the channel when they ended and people started talking, settling on a new station to listen to more music. Roughly ten minutes later, the back passenger door opened and Kieron began stuffing things inside. I hurried out of the vehicle to help him load things.

Once everything was loaded, I climbed back behind the steering wheel and Kieron climbed into the passenger seat.

The drive back to the apartment was ridden in a comfortable silence save for the radio. Kieron never really commented on the music; I wasn’t sure if he liked it or just tolerated it. Half the time we rode in silence, mainly because we weren’t in the car very often. We rarely went out of town with it.

Unloading all of the groceries took forever, it seemed. Kieron carried the things into the apartment, making several trips, while I got to work on putting them where they needed to be. The bags piled up around the tiny kitchen table as I worked to get through the bags already on top of it. Eventually he was done dragging things in, tossed the keys on the half-wall dividing the rooms, and helped me unload everything.

Thirty minutes later we were unpacked and Kieron eyed the clock as my stomach growled.

“Guess it’s dinner time,” I said with a heavy sigh. I was tired from lugging everything around and putting things away, plus it had been a long travel back to here in the first place, journeying through Ethereal and everything.

I just wanted to sleep.

“I’ll fix dinner,” Kieron offered.

I smiled at him. “I love you, did I tell you that?”

“At least once a day,” he sighed, shaking his head, but there was the tiniest upward twitch of his lips as he turned away from me, toward the cabinets above the sink to pull out skillets and the like.

I approached him from behind, wrapping my arms around him, nuzzling my face in the back of his neck. “As long as you know I do,” I told him quietly, breathing in the scent of him. It was this wonderful musk I couldn’t place, except that it was _him_. Right now it was mixed with sweat from traveling through Ethereal and then coming here, with little rest in-between, and he could use a shower just like me.

Perhaps after dinner we could shower together, and then begin our _fuck-a-thon_.

I snickered.

“What do you want me to do in the meantime?” I asked, releasing Kieron as he turned to get some things from the fridge.

“Call your brother,” he said simply, and I winced, having completely forgotten about Tommy.

“Fuck, right, yeah. He’s probably been worried.”

I plucked the phone from the cradle and disappeared through the bedroom and into the bathroom, quietly closing the door behind me. It was the only form of privacy I could really have, and even then, Kieron could hear me if he wanted to, since he had super hearing and everything. He would grant me whatever privacy I wanted, though, which was yet another thing I loved about him.

Tommy answered after the third ring.

“Terry?” he asked quickly, and I mentally cursed his caller ID.

“Hey,” I said. “I’m back.”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I told him. “We just traveled a lot and talked.”

I didn’t bother telling him about the war and how I was practically in charge of it at the moment, or how they wanted me to be in charge, anyway. I didn’t want to think about it myself, and it would just make him worry more.

“So you’re both okay?”

I smirked to myself. “Aw, are you starting to worry about Kieron now, too?”

“No. I just know you get mopey if he’s hurt.”

I took a breath. “We’re fine. How are you guys?”

“We’re fine,” he assured me. “Amanda’s got a cold and Lacy’s fussing over her.”

The thought made me smile. Lacy was cute when she was fussing over her kid. My niece, Amanda, was also adorable, and was roughly six months old now. It was funny how time flew.

“So everything is okay?” Tommy asked.

“Ugh, Tommy, you worry too much,” I sighed, scrubbing a hand over my face. “Everything’s fine. Kieron’s fine, I’m fine, we’re fine. I just wanted to let you know we’re back – we just got back a little bit ago and had to go to the store. Kie’s fixing dinner now.”

“Well, that’s good, I guess,” Tommy said. “Thanks for letting me know you’re okay.”

“No problem,” I said. “I’m gonna go now, though, ‘cause I have no idea what Kieron’s planning on fixing and I’m starving.”

I hoped he was fixing something fast, and not something elaborate. Then again he never really fixed anything elaborate; the most thought-out food he made was pancakes, and those weren’t very hard. They tasted awesome, though.

After saying goodbye to Tommy, I entered the kitchen, put the phone back on the cradle and watched Kieron work his magic in the kitchen as I sat at the kitchen table. He usually didn’t like being watched, so I averted my gaze and picked up a forgotten book off to the side. Kieron liked to read, oddly enough; he always had at least one book stashed somewhere.

“So, Kie,” I started after a few minutes of silence, “what, um… why…” I took a breath, attempting to find the words. “Why did they tell you to, um… t-tell us to… uh…”

“Why did they tell us to have our ‘fuck-a-thon’, as you have so eloquently dubbed it?” he asked easily, flipping over the meat patties for our cheeseburgers. The entire kitchen smelled amazing at the moment; my mouth kept watering.

It watered even more now as he said those words, and as my gaze traveled over the outline of his body hinted at under the slightly baggy clothes. While those types of clothes were comfortable, they didn’t do his body justice, I thought.

And now I was picturing how he looked _under_ those clothes.

“Yes,” I breathed, watching him, “that.”

“I need…” He paused, took a breath, and started again. “ _We_ need to get this out of our system before we can do anything else. It was wrong of Ashere to take us there before we were ready, apparently.”

“So he knew, then?” I asked, narrowing my eyes.

“No,” Kieron replied, pressing the spatula down flatly on a patty, and I listened as it sizzled juicily for a minute. “He didn’t know.”

“Oh, well… I guess that’s fine, then.”

If he didn’t know we needed to have a fuck-a-thon, then I guess I couldn’t blame him for tearing us away from it. Not that he wouldn’t have done it anyway, I was sure. I took a breath, frowning. Ashere and I had an understanding, of sorts, for the time being. I could push the anger away.

“So to get back under control, you… what? We have to do this?” I asked, and then winced as I heard how that sounded. “Not that I’m complaining, of course.”

I would never complain about being forced to have sex with my boyfriend. Never.

The sound Kieron made wasn’t really a laugh, but this low rumble between a chuckle and a sigh, and I took it for what it was worth, smiling at him.

“So we, what? Fuck for two weeks straight?”

“I don’t know,” he replied, flipping the patties again. “They told me to take you home and play it by ear, but ultimately… something like that, I guess.”

I smirked at that slight hesitation in his voice. “Still embarrassed, I see.”

“You would be too if your boss told you to fuck someone.”

I laughed, unable to stop it at that tone of his voice, and everything. “Alright, _maybe_. But I would totally do it.”

He shook his head. “Get some plates – the food’s done.”

It was as I was standing behind him, reaching over the sink to get some plates, that it happened.

One second everything was fine.

The next…

I spun to find Kieron on his knees next to the stove, his fingers clawing at his head. I could never feel this particular pain even though we were bonded and I could feel phantom aches of his pain – or, even bits of that actual pain so he didn’t have to feel it – but when this happened… I never felt anything. I wasn’t sure if he was just good at keeping it to himself, or if it was something only perpetuals could feel. Either way, I hated it.

I knew exactly what was happening, though.

A fellow perpetual has been killed or was being killed – I was always a little unclear on those details. Either way, a life had ended and all perpetuals seemed to share a mental link of some sort, and when one died… everyone felt it. All of the other perpetuals felt it. It was this fierce, sharp, agonizing pain which left a lot of them screaming. Even Kieron, who was used to pain since he was on the lower third of the pyramid, would go to his knees, lose all his color, and grunt and gasp in pain which was a lot coming from him.

I always felt so useless here.

I did the only thing I could do.

Grasping his hand as I sat next to him on the ground, I pulled him toward me, tucking his head under my chin as my other arm came around him, and I poured all my happy thoughts into his mind. I thought about how much I was happy to have him back at the apartment with me; I thought about how happy I was with him in general; how much I loved him, and how much I was looking forward to our fuck-a-thon.

He once said my ‘happy’ thoughts were like relief to him, ice over hot wounds, soothing his pain. This was the only thing I could do when he was like this.

It seemed to work because he relaxed into my hold, his breaths becoming a little more normal as I held him against me, whispering quiet nothings under my breath. The words were meaningless; I wasn’t even sure if they were words, or just quick sounds, but nevertheless I kept talking, attempting to distract him from whatever pain he was feeling even as I continued to push those happy thoughts in his direction, however that kind of mental link worked.

I wasn’t sure how much time passed.

All I knew was there was suddenly a hand under my shirt, pressing against my too-sensitive skin, fingers curling and trekking upward, against my chest. I pulled my head back enough to look down at my perpetual, only to have his mouth instantly capture my own. It was a little surprise, because usually after the death of a perpetual, Kieron would get quiet and a little standoffish, which was completely understandable. Right now, though, having him this close, with me still thinking happy things… with our fuck-a-thon still on the backs of our minds…

I slipped a hand down the length of his body, over a folded arm and toward the hem of his shirt, slipping beneath it to finger the edge of his jeans. He pushed me back until I fell away from him, my back pressing against the refrigerator door as he settled on top of me, straddling my waist, one hand still pressing against my chest, under my shirt, while his other-

He pushed away from me, then, quickly standing up, spinning away.

“K-Kieron?” I whispered, shocked at the sudden movement, the sudden loss of his body against my own as I stared up at him, heart racing in my chest.

“We should eat,” he said quietly.

_Right. Food._

I took in a slow breath and got to my feet. “Alright. But then we’re picking this back up.”

He didn’t respond, didn’t even look at me.

Instead he put his cheeseburger on a plate and left me standing there in front of the stove while he sat at the kitchen table in silence, gaze focused solely on his food, his shoulders stiff and rigid.

_What did I do…?_

I swallowed and joined him at the table, carrying my own plate.

 

We didn’t pick it back up after we ate. Instead we watched TV on the couch until late in the night, where we then both went to sleep. I woke the next morning before Kieron, for once, and slipped away to answer the call of nature. Afterward, I returned to the bedroom and found him awake, watching me through barely parted lids as I climbed back onto the bed, smiling down at him.

“Hey, sleepyhead,” I said quietly. “Good morning.”

He yawned, bright eyes closing. He’d worn his contacts all day yesterday, even after we ate dinner and watched TV. I was happy to see those glowing eyes now, even as they closed.

I took a breath, uncertain as to how to broach this topic, but it needed to happen at some point.

“So when are we gonna do it?” I asked.

One bright eye opened. “Hmm?”

“You heard me,” I said. “And what was up with yesterday? Why did you just… pull away like that?”

The eye closed. “Nothing, human. And I don’t know when.”

“Don’t you want to?”

The question slipped out of my mouth before I even realized it was on my mind, but now it was all I could think about.

“Do you not want to fuck me, is that why you…?”

Now both bright eyes opened and he scowled at me. “You have no idea how hard it is for me to _not_ fuck you right now.”

A thrill inched up my spine, leaving me grinning. “So what’s stopping you? I’m clearly willing.”

He shook his head. “I’m not in control.”

“Well, yeah, that’s why we’re-”

He shook his head, cutting me off as he sat up. “I mean I’m not…” He released a slow breath, gaze skittering away from me. “It’s difficult to explain. I want to bite you.”

“But… But you already…”

“I know. That’s why I’m… confused.”

I frowned, watching him for a long moment. “So would you be… re-claiming me? Or something? You _did_ claim me, right?”

“I did,” he said, nodding. “And I don’t know… Maybe it’s just because we were interrupted?”

I nodded; that made sense. It would also help explain why the Elders ordered him to come back here with me. “Makes sense, I guess. So go ahead and bite me – you know I don’t mind.”

He looked at me for a long moment, just watching. This was fine with me; I liked looking at his bright, open eyes. Finally he sighed, lips twitching into a faint smile. “You trust too easily.”

“I trust _you_ ,” I said, scowling at him. “There’s a difference.”

He shook his head, and in the next second, his mouth was on my own as his hand curled around the back of my neck, dragging me closer to him. I went willingly, scooting closer, wrapping my own arms around his neck. He turned us enough that he could push me backward so I landed on my back with him resting above me, pinning me down with two firm hands on my shoulders as his teeth nipped lightly at my lower lip. His fingers curled into my shirt and he moved back enough to let me toss it over my head, his mouth connecting with my neck, then, instead of my mouth again.

The too-sensitive patch of skin which instantly left pleasure sliding through me at the slightest touch of his teeth against it. This shouldn’t have felt so damn _good_ , honestly. He was only biting into a sensitive patch of skin; it should have hurt. Instead…

_Don’t you ever stop._

My fingers plucked at his shirt even as a quiet moan slid free of my barely parted lips as his teeth and tongue worked together at my neck, that wonderful, glorious spot which was just so _sensitive_ …

He pulled back enough to finally scowl at me as I kept twisting my fingers in his shirt.

“Clothes off,” I breathed, watching him.

He scowled but did as I asked, and thankfully I wasn’t the only naked one this time. How was he could always somehow keep his clothes on, but I couldn’t?

And then his mouth reconnected with my neck, and his hands traveled down the length of my body, toward more entirely too-sensitive areas. I gasped as his thumb smoothed down the fine hairs encircling my groin before slipping further beneath my underwear.

I didn’t have him take my pants off, and I didn’t get a chance to do it as he tore off his own clothes. All of them.

I eyed his naked flesh and released a pleased breath as he nibbled at my neck again. He pulled his head away when I brought a hand up, running it down his left side, all the way down from shoulder to hip, slipping along the curve toward more impressive areas, before his low growl left me dropping my hand.

He didn’t usually let me touch him or anything – he was always the one in control here. I didn’t mind it, but it did get hard to see him like this, so amazing and perfect and _mine_ , and not be able to do anything about it. It was hard not being able to touch him like he touched me.

Maybe one day he would let me.

In the meantime, though…

I moaned happily as his fingers closed around the head of my cock, beneath the fabric of my sweatpants and underwear. The already pre-cum soaked underwear. His fingers worked their wonderful magic, teasing the head and smoothing down the shaft as his teeth bit into my sensitive skin again.

My fingers curled into the sheets beneath me as I fought to keep from reaching for him.

_Oh, fuck, never stop._

 


	8. Teasing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote the first bit while under the influence of pain meds... so... sorry if it sucks :P

Chapter Eight: Teasing

 

_Oh, fuck._

I couldn’t feel my fingers after clutching at the headboard as I had for so long now. Kieron was above and below me all at once, moving in all the right ways, teasing me and being oh-so-amazing. Right now he was teasing me – _always fucking teasing me_ – with his fingers inside of me, stretching me even though I was _ready_ and had been ready for at least ten minutes now. He was doing this just to irritate me, I was sure. I kept squirming and twisting, huffing as I attempting to make him go in deeper or do _something_ but he merely held me down flat on the bed, hips raised ever-so-slightly, but the palm of his free hand was more than enough to keep me pinned.

I looked down the length of my body at him, at those glowing eyes, the slow, feral smiling working its way across his face, the twitch of those lips and-

“ _Please_ ,” I breathed, squirming as his fingers hooked just so inside of me. His eyes focused on my own. “No more teasing. I’m ready.”

“Are you?”

_Oh, God, he’s doing this on purpose._

“Yes,” I said quickly, tightening my hold on the headboard even though I couldn’t feel my fingers anymore. If I didn’t keep holding onto it I would try to do something myself, and he would pull away or something, I didn’t know. He rarely let me do anything. It was so _hard_ to do nothing, though. So hard to just stay here and do nothing while he teased me like this.

Kieron’s mouth thinned into this feral smirk of some sort – so wild and vibrant and _fuck me dammit why are you always fucking teasing me just do it already dammit_ -

His fingers slid away and then he was suddenly inside of me. It all happened so quickly; I tensed even as I released a rush of breath because _yes, finally_ , and my grip on the headboard tightened as I closed my eyes, biting down on my lower lip. His fingers slid around the head of my cock, rubbing and teasing and I bit down harder on my lip to keep from saying anything, to keep myself focusing on something other than the merciless teasing, because all I wanted to do right now was touch myself or touch him. Something.

His hands released me and I fought the urge to moan pathetically as I opened my eyes. He slid over the length of my body, still inside of me, until his mouth met my own. I couldn’t help it or stop it anymore; I brought my arms up and threw them around his neck, holding him to me, rocking my hips to his chosen rhythm as I greedily swallowed his tongue, the feel of his body against mine feeling far more amazing than it had any right to. Everything about him was too… just _too_ , right now. The feel of his hot skin against mine, slick with sweat since we had been at this for nearly an hour now – so much goddamn teasing, and he’d already brought me to orgasm three times with his perfect fucking _mouth_ – and the feel of his lips against my own, still salty from my own cum he’d swallowed down multiple times… the feel of his hands in my hair, dragging me closer to him as his teeth nipped lightly at my lips as his tongue easily conquered my own.

His mouth left mine to settle against my neck, over the mark of our bond. The mark of his claiming. And the pleasure I was feeling intensified, leaving me gasping breathily as I arched into him, unable to see my vision was going so white. He hadn’t bitten at my neck the entire time we’d been in bed. Through multiple orgasms, his mouth had been focused on my dick so of course it hadn’t been near my neck. This part of my body was almost as sensitive as my seemingly always there erection, somehow.

“Kieron,” I breathed happily, closing my eyes, my fingers curling in his wonderful blue hair, tangled in the thick, sweaty strands. Teeth never should have felt this good as they dug into my skin, and his tongue was magic over whatever pain there might have been. Instead of pain there was only more pleasure; I was breathless with it.

A few more thrusts and I was lost to the white haze of blissful pleasure.

He brought his mouth from my neck to my own lips as he came as well, filling me up with his warm seed, and then slid out of me. He broke the kiss as he fell away from me, lying next to me as we both just stay there for a moment, simply breathing, his head laying on one of my arms since my fingers had still been tangled in his hair as he rolled sideways.

I rolled onto my side to face him, smiling at his open expression, his eyes closed, his lips slightly parted, sweat glistening on his brow. My gaze traveled down his body, the sweat glistening on his chest, making him almost golden. I brought my other hand up – my right one, as my left was under his head – and trailed it down the length of his body, from his neck to his chest and down toward his hips.

His fingers caught my own, dragging them away from his smooth, slick skin, instead keeping our hands together between us on the bed, on the hot sheets.

“Kie,” I breathed quietly, smiling goofily at him, “are you holding my hand?”

“Don’t get so sentimental,” he replied, voice just as breathy, eyes still closed. “If you can’t keep your hands to yourself then I guess I will have to do this.”

“Why do you not like me touching you?” I asked, frowning. Was my touch really that bad?

His nose wrinkled somewhat. “Why do you insist on doing it?”

“Because I love you,” I told him honestly. “And you touch me all the time. I don’t think it’s fair that I can never touch you.”

He was quiet for a long moment, before he sighed and released my hand. “Fine,” he said. “For now.”

I smiled and sat up even though I was exhausted, gently extracting my arm from beneath Kieron’s head. He was almost entirely limp, head lolling to the side as he released a slow breath, eyes still closed. He looked at peace; content. The sight made my smile grow even as I moved closer, running my hands down his sides, stomach and chest, watching as he shifted a little.

It always felt so good when he did it to me; I wanted to return the favor, or at least try to. Plus I always wanted to touch him in some way when we were being intimate; he rarely allowed it.

My fingers grazed over the curve of his hips, leading into his inner thigh and groin area. He didn’t stop me. I curled my hand around his dick, which was still damp from the lubrication used when he fucked me, and began using his methods against him, teasing the head, curling around the finer parts of his half-hard member. As I teased the head a few times, he quickly regained his full hardness, stiffening in my hand, though his face muscles were still relaxed and at ease. Attempting to make him react sounded like a fun idea.

He was always so composed, always fighting being open with me even though he’d claimed me, even though we shared a link and his eyes were still as bright as ever. For some reason he was still careful not to lose control, at least not completely. Still composed, like he couldn’t let his guard down. Was that why he never let me touch him?

Or maybe I was overthinking things. I did that sometimes.

Kieron was closed-off; it was a survival instinct. I couldn’t expect him to be as open as I was about everything. That would mean changing him, and I had to admit, his ‘closed-off’ self was part of what drew me to him in the first place. I didn’t want to change him; I liked him how he was.

That didn’t mean I couldn’t wish to touch him more, or get him to really open, though he was definitely getting better at that. So much better, and I loved this new closeness we shared. It was everything I never dreamed of having with another person.

Before Kieron, it was all meaningless; sex was for fun, or stress relief. It was for when I needed the feel of someone near me and on me; it was the only real close connection I had. Tommy had been away at college, then he got married, and I didn’t see much of him except for occasionally and on holidays. My relationship with my father was never good, especially after Mom died. I no longer had her amazing hugs, or warm words, so in a way, perhaps I closed off as well.

I tried something meaningful with a guy named Hank; I thought it was real. But it wasn’t real; he was only using me to get back at his parents, and ditched me as soon as they gave him what he wanted. At the time, it hurt like hell. Looking back on it now, though, I was thankful he did that to me. Thankful he left me like that, thankful he taught me how harsh love could be, and therefore it made me all the more grateful to have met Kieron.

I hadn’t known I’d been looking for such a deep, intimate relationship. When I first met him, I hated him. He was an asshole, borderline abusive with how he treated me because he disliked humans. And of course now I realized he hostile toward me because I had to bond with him, and it made it harder for him to maintain his mental shields, which was what kept him alive – or, rather, out of the Lake – for so long. So it was understandable, how difficult it was for him, and why he was so cold toward me at first.

I thought Rufus and I had something good for a while. We were never anything exclusive, but we had fun, and he was there when I needed him, when I needed that close connection. We had fun, and it was simple. And then he did that whole ‘surprise sex’ bit and… I guess a part of me never quite forgave him for that. It was rape; I didn’t know it was him until after the fact, after all the terror and fear for my life.

And John…

It was just better not to think about John right now.

So I definitely wasn’t expecting anything special with Kieron – nothing deep or meaningful. Not even fun, really; at the time, we hated each other.

Now…

Now I couldn’t picture life without him.

This new closeness we shared was better than anything I could have ever imagined. I never could have dreamed I wanted something like this; never could have dreamed something like this existed, and could happen to _me_ of all people.

Hot lips pressed against my own as Kieron pushed himself up on his elbows, bringing a hand up to catch in my hair, dragging my head toward him. I kept pumping away, happy he was letting me do this in the first place, and the sound he released wasn’t _quite_ a moan so much as it was a rough breath of air against my lips as he came on my hand, but it made me happy nevertheless.

“I love you,” I said quietly, as he collapsed back down on the pillows beneath his head, those bright eyes half-lidded and watching me.

“You keep saying that,” he said with this quiet, rough laugh.

I grinned, licking my hand clean before I moved to lay next to him and against him, pressed into his side, our sweaty bodies meshing together. “Well, I do.”

“I know.”

I rested my head atop his chest, breathing in deeply, the scent of sex heavy in the room. Sex and him. “Do you think… you could say it? One day, I mean? Just once?”

“Human…”

“Not right now, obviously,” I said quickly, feeling him mentally pull away. “I just mean… one day.”

He sighed, and I startled when an arm came around me. “They’re just words, Terry.”

“Y-Yeah, but… If they’re just words, then you can say them once, right?”

It wasn’t that difficult.

Then again… those words had been hard for me to say at first, too. I didn’t believe in true love; there was always a condition to the love, like love between family and whatnot. But then Kieron entered my life, and my perspective changed somewhat. There was no love at first sight; there wasn’t even _lust_ at first sight. We hated each other. But the longer I stayed with him, the more I got to know him, the more I started to see that secret soft side he had…

I loved him.

I eventually even managed to say the words aloud, and say them to him.

Ever since then, it had gotten so much easier to say the words. Whenever that familiar, warm feeling bubbled up in my chest, I said them. No matter how much I said it, it never got old to me; I loved him, and he needed to know.

He’d had a rough life. His parents wanted to toss him into the Lake when he was only _five_ , simply because he grew his animalistic ears. He wasn’t a monster; he was just a scared little kid seeking comfort, and being given only a cold wall of unease instead. And perpetuals weren’t supposed to have all these complicated emotions; they definitely weren’t supposed to _love_. So life had been very rough for him. He probably didn’t even know what love really was. Maybe that was why he was so hesitant to say anything close to those words.

I knew he loved me. Actions said so much word than the words he couldn’t say.

But hearing it, even if it was just once…

“They’re just words,” I said. “So you can say them, right? Just once?”

I frowned, then, listening to his deep, even breaths, and turned my head enough to look at his face.

His eyes were closed, his lips barely parted, his expression serene and slack.

I smiled.

He was already asleep.

 

_Pain. Everywhere._

_My mental shields were failing miserably. I tried to remember the last time I felt this much pain, but before I could even form the thought, it was rushed away as my body shivered, my teeth gritting behind pulled back lips, a snarl frozen on my face as I struggled to keep my inner mantra._

**_Pain is only a state of mind. Pain is only a state of mind. Pain is only-_ **

**_Fuck… Alpha, make it stop…_ **

_What a pitiful thought! How pathetic I had become._

_It hurt too much to worry about how weak I appeared right now, though. Showing how much something hurt was looked down upon by perpetuals. Either you held in the pain, or you needed more training. I could imagine Ashere being in this much pain and behaving like this, but to behave like this myself…_

_To know I couldn’t **help** it because it really fucking **hurt** …_

_Breathing hurt. Thinking hurt. Simply **living** hurt._

_I was dying. I wouldn’t feel anything soon, so at least I had that going for me. Yes, it hurt like hell now, but it would be over soon. I could feel myself growing weaker by the hour; as a perpetual, I knew my body inside and out. I knew what an injury felt like; I knew what **dying** felt like, because I had to die to heal at times, as the human pointed out. I never looked at it like dying, of course; it was just simply a different form of healing. Our bodies shut down completely so we could heal uninterrupted. _

_It felt like that would be happening again, but it was different. More prolonged, more… **permanent**. _

_It felt like before, in a way. When I was stabbed through with that golden blade, when the human attempted to keep me alive but failed. Or, at least, at the time, I thought he failed. Then he attached me to his limbo._

_Nevertheless, it felt a lot like then, really. Everything was getting fuzzy; everything **hurt**. My lungs wouldn’t expand correctly; my chest never stopped aching. The tremors tearing through me were getting worse; it was cold and hot all at once and I had no way to stop this. Losing consciousness didn’t even help; the pain lingered in the back of my mind, forever present, with no way to escape it._

_It was getting so much worse._

**_It’ll be over soon._ **

_The voice in the back of my head was strangely silent as I lay dying. Perhaps it realized the inevitable and disappeared with nothing to say. Figures, the only time it left me alone was when I desperately needed a distraction of any kind, even if it came from a voice I often attempted to ignore even existed._

_“Wake up, you asshole, do you hear me? You don’t get to sleep forever!” The human’s voice was rough, loud, mixed with some sort of emotion I was too tired to decipher. He was nothing but emotion – raw and open and **always there**._

**_Go away, human._ **

_Except he never left. He was always there, telling me everything would be okay, when it was a lie. Why did he do this to himself? It was evident he **wanted** things to be okay, but just because he wanted something didn’t make it so._

_“I just need five minutes of your time, Kieron, wake up!”_

_There was anger evident in his voice now – he was angry with me for attempting to remain in this haze, this limbo between consciousness and unconsciousness, where I attempted to ignore the pain._

_“ ‘ive minutes,” I muttered, my mouth dry and unable to form the words correctly, but I pushed them out nevertheless as I pried heavy eyelids open._

_His shocked hazel eyes focused on me. “Oh, fuck, you’re awake,” he breathed, and damn him for sounding so **relieved**._

_Damn him for…_

_Well, for a lot of things._

_Just damn him._

**_Damn him for caring._ **

**_He doesn’t care, Kieron. He will leave like the others. Kill him before he gets the chance._ **

**_Oh, now you show up? Where the hell have you been, you dick?_ **

**_Kill him, Kieron. Don’t trust him!_ **

_The human was saying something. I blinked, attempting to clear my head but it was incredibly difficult._

_“ ‘m listenin’,” I said, even though I hadn’t heard what he said previously._

_“Good, Kie. Good. Look, Arabeth did a Reading, okay? She… You’ve been poisoned.”_

_I blinked slowly at him, absorbing the words. “ ‘kay…”_

_It made sense. A slow death. Figures the Screamers would be able to figure out how to not only kill perpetuals, but make it as slowly as possible, and painful. Of course they found a way to do it. I honestly wasn’t surprised._

_Disappointed, in a way, but not surprised._

_“We… We can help you, we just… need to find the antidote, and we… we need you to help.”_

_Help them find the antidote. Linger as long as I could to help them find something that didn’t exist._

**_No thanks, sorry._ **

_“ ‘m tired,” I told him, but of course he knew that. He had to know that. I hated being this tired._

_“I know, Kie,” the human said, and warm fingers tangled with my cold ones. Or, at least, they felt cold to me. Cold and numb and stiff, and his were warm and nimble as always. “I know you’re tired. I know you’re in pain and exhausted and… But there’s a way to help.”_

_I sighed. Somehow I knew what he was going to suggest._

_“There’s a way to share… We can… That is, I-”_

_“ ‘m not openin’ ‘ond,” I managed to push through reluctant lips, my eyelids lowering. They were so heavy, and I’d kept them open for so long. Everything ached, and staying awake didn’t help._

_Having this conversation, this futile conversation, didn’t help._

_The human’s eyes widened. “You… You know?”_

_“Not doin’ it.”_

_“Kieron, you have to. It’s… It’s the only way.”_

_He sounded so certain, like it was that easy._

**_It’s not._ **

_“Gonn’ die anyway,” I sighed, blinking slowly. Somehow I knew if I closed my eyes I would drift off to sleep, and I did promise him five minutes. Even if we were having this futile conversation._

_“No,” the human hissed, leaving me blinking up at him. “You’re gonna be fine, okay? We just… We just need time to find the antidote, that’s all. And we can find it.” Something must have shown on my face, because his expression hardened in that way it did when he was determined to win an argument. “We **can** , don’t argue with me, dammit! You’re not… You’re not fucking **dying** on me, okay? So just… just… let me help you.”_

_He said it like it was so easy. Open the bond, and everything would be okay._

_Why did I close the bond?_

**_Oh, right._ **

_To keep him from the pain I was currently feeling. I thought that was nice, considerate; I thought he would be happy he wasn’t in pain like this. Did he **want** to be in pain?_

**_Impossible. He doesn’t know what he’s saying. Kill him, Kieron. He is spreading more lies._ **

_My eyes closed. “No,” I said, and at the moment I wasn’t sure who I was replying to – the human, or that voice. Either way, it was my answer._

_The grip on my hand tightened. “Kieron, you have to let me help,” he said quickly. Like it was so fucking **simple**. “Okay? If you… If you don’t… Kieron…”_

_That tone._

_There was something about that tone. I didn’t like it._

_“I know,” I managed to say._

_His grip tightened further, this time in anger. “Fuck you,” he growled. “Fuck **you**. And open your eyes, asshole, I still have three minutes!”_

_Three minutes. That felt like an eternity when faced with this conversation._

_With the pain._

_With that tone._

_“ ‘uman…”_

_“You have to let me help. I know it hurts; I know you’re tired. I **know** , okay? I can help. I can fix it.”_

_He sounded so certain, so **sure** he could fix it. So sure it would be okay if I just opened the bond, let him feel the pain._

_Why would anyone want to feel this pain?_

_“Can’t be f-ixed.”_

_His voice lowered, filled with anger and a mixture of other emotions I was too tired and too pained to place at the moment. “Yes it can. Trust me. I’ll… I’ll fix this. Just… You have to let me, okay?”_

_“N-o.”_

_My answer wasn’t going to change. Why wouldn’t he just give it a rest?_

_“You’ll **die** ,” he hissed, and I opened my eyes as he glared down at me with his eyes entirely too open and raw. Too filled with emotion. How were humans capable of such a thing? “Do you hear me? You’ll **die** , Kieron.”_

_“I… know…”_

_“Is that what you fucking **want**?” There he stopped, staring down at me with this dawning **something** in his eyes as they widened and narrowed at the same time, or maybe I was just too out of it. “Kie,” he said roughly, and again I didn’t like that tone, “do you… do you want to die?”_

_I blinked for a moment, considering his words._

_Did I want to die._

_I used to want to; I wanted it more than anything. To just stop existing. It seemed so perfect. Death was a gift bestowed upon the rest of Ethereal, and the humans. Perpetuals were not offered any such gift; we lived forever, and it was entirely too long._

_I wanted to die._

_Kind of. In a way._

_Living forever seemed…_

_Too long._

_I used to want to die no matter what; now… I found I wasn’t quite ready._

_Being ready had little to do with this, though, because I was dying and there was no way of stopping it, so I might as well accept it and embrace it._

_“Kie? Answer me. Do you want to die?”_

_I closed my eyes. “Time’s up.”_

_“I still have thirty seconds,” the human snapped, his grip on my hand nearly crushing, but I barely felt it. The pain of it was nothing compared to the rest; it was only pressure. “Answer me.”_

_I stayed silent and waited for the gray haze circling my mind to finally consume it._

_Kieron – Kieron, open the bond. Kieron, do you hear me? Are you listening? Hey! You bastard, I still have – open the bond! Kieron, you fucking – **open the bond**!”_

I came awake gasping, something hot burning my eyes, my breath lodged somewhere in my throat, my lungs and chest aching. Warm hands cupped my face as hot, pliable lips met my own, a warm body positioned over my hips, straddling me as I arched into the warmth and the kiss, my eyes opening.

Kieron pulled away, frowning down at me. “Are you okay?” he asked slowly, glowing blue eyes scanning my face.

I swallowed thickly, the memory of his pain, of his thoughts and just that moment in general still too vibrant in my mind right now. I sat up as he slid back a little, and wrapped my arms around him, tugging him to my chest as I buried my face in his shoulder. His bare, naked shoulder, and then I realized we were both still naked.

“Terry?” he said slowly, not hugging me back, but not pushing me away, either. He just stayed there, limp in my grasp, arms motionless at his sides, my own arms thrown around them, pinning them there.

“I love you,” I breathed into his warm skin.

“Human? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, just… a b-bad memory, that’s all.”

And it was true; it was a bad memory, just not my own. Not exactly.

Receiving Kieron’s memories was sort of a mixed blessing, really. I was happy to learn more about him, and receive his memories as he received mine, but it was also a curse, in a way. Most of his memories were painful, filled with abuse both emotional and physical. And then there was this kind of dream – a memory of one of the worse times in my life, told through his eyes.

“We should shower,” I said, grabbing his wrist as I pulled back enough to look him in the eye. “Right?”

He watched me for a moment, before he sighed and nodded, sliding off of me. I tugged him by his wrist into the bathroom, where I started the water and got it the appropriate temperature. We were both sticky from last night; neither of us bothered cleaning up, and didn’t have the energy to do so. The sheets would need to be washed as well, but I could do that later.

Right now I just wanted to wipe that memory away, even though I knew a shower wouldn’t help in that regard. Still, we needed to have this shower anyway, and I loved showering with Kieron.

“What did you see?” he asked after we’d been in the water for a moment, simply standing there. I took a breath and managed to reach for the shampoo as I stood under the water’s spray.

“Nothing,” I said quietly, willing that memory away.

“Terry. Tell me.”

“I just… I saw when you were… dying. When I tried to get you to open the bond and you… wouldn’t,” I told him with a heavy sigh, closing my eyes.

It was quiet for a moment, the only sound that of the shower spray.

Finally Kieron released a heavy sigh, and the bottle of shampoo was plucked from my mostly lax grip. I opened my eyes and turned to find him squirting some into his palm. He twirled his finger, telling me to turn back around, and I did so with a sigh. A second later his fingers smoothed through my wet hair, massaging the shampoo into my scalp.

This felt amazing for a few reasons.

No one had ever done this to me before.

This was _Kieron_ doing this.

It felt _great_ having fingers massaging into my scalp.

Everything felt so amazing, and I closed my eyes, releasing a contented sigh, my tense muscles relaxing as he began rinsing the shampoo from my hair.

 

We didn’t manage to get dressed.

We tried, really.

We left the bathroom draped in towels – Kieron seeing no real point in wrapping it around his waist so he instead used his to towel his hair dry on the way to get clothes – and managed to make it to the bed before his fingers were toying with the towel wrapped around my waist, his eyes too bright as his lips met my neck as he grabbed me from behind, tugging me into his still slick, warm chest.

And then it was last night all over again.

We fell onto the bed, with my back pressed against sticky sheets and his leg maneuvering between both of mine, spreading them as he knelt there, before dipping his head so his mouth met my neck again. Always in that same spot, and there was always this rush of _oh god yes please don’t ever stop_ -

And then we were nothing but a tangled mess of limbs yet again, and soon my mouth was wrapped around his cock, slicking it up because neither of us wanted to move to get the lube which had fallen off the bedside table last night, and was now probably under the bed. Once he was sufficiently slick, he positioned himself at my entrance, and as the head of his cock pushed in, past the tense muscles, I felt pleasure begin to roll through me again. Looking at him and his perfect – _everything_ , I brought my hands up, reaching for him.

They skimmed his sides, slipping lower, curving along the outline of his thighs, over smooth, still moist, hot skin. When he didn’t argue with the touch, when he didn’t offer anything other than the way he was slamming into me, blue eyes sliding closed, I brought one of my hands down to wrap around myself.

He didn’t stop me.

Somehow my own hands didn’t feel nearly as good as his, when he did the same thing.

“Kieron,” I whispered breathily.

Those glowing eyes opened and he pressed further into me as he hovered over me, capturing my lips as his hand slid easily down my chest, over too-sensitive skin leaving me arching into the contact, releasing a breathy moan as his hand knocked mine away and grabbed at my dick instead, teasing the head in that wonderful way only he could.

And I was lost to a haze of pleasure before his mouth even had a chance to land on my neck.

As I came down from the haze of my first orgasm, I realized there was a sound in the background.

The phone was ringing.

Kieron seemed to notice my hesitation, the way a part of me wanted to answer the phone and the way a part of me just wanted to stay put, and he decided for me. His hand tightened around my dick, his movements getting rougher and quicker as his other hand pressed against my chest, holding me flat onto the bed, and I smiled at him as he pulled back enough to growl at me.

“Not going anywhere,” I told him honestly. “Nowhere I’d rather be.”

And then his lips met my neck, finally.

Once again I was lost to that haze of pure bliss.


	9. A Little Fun

Chapter Nine: A Little Fun

 

“H-Hello?” I managed to get through my lips, managing to stifle the moan at the last possible second as Kieron’s lips landed on my neck. He was standing behind me – we’d both only just now managed to get dressed, but that didn’t seem to be stopping him. He hadn’t let me move more than a few feet away from him in the hour since then. Sometimes he seemed fine, and then he was back at my neck, like now. I wondered if that meant he was slowly working through whatever it was – if our break was actually working. He had to get it out of his system, apparently.

“Hey,” Tommy said cheerfully. “About time you answered. I was getting worried. I know you are probably having sex, but please, Terry, I _am_ your brother.”

I spluttered, coughing even as pleasure rolled through me. Kieron really needed to stop doing this to me, dammit, especially when I was on the phone with my _brother_. “ _Tommy_ , hi,” I said, emphasizing my brother’s name, hoping that would deter Kieron, but if he heard me, he gave no acknowledgement. His hands slid around me, pulling me tighter against him, and I could feel my erection straining against my jeans.

Tommy chuckled. “We’re on our way over to give you a ‘welcome back’ gift, I guess. It was Lacy’s idea; I tried talking her out of it but she insisted.”

“C-Coming over?” I all but squeaked, attempting to pull free of Kieron’s hold, and thankfully those words did give him pause, so at least he was listening. He stopped biting, but his lips remained settled against my skin. “W-When?”

“We’ll be there in about five minutes,” Tommy said. “I’m terribly sorry; you know how Lacy is. Amanda’s at Dad’s for the day, so she wanted to have all of us do something together. I tried to get a hold of you sooner, but…”

“R-Right, sorry,” I said quickly, fighting off the haze which had started settling over my mind, as Kieron released me. His lips left my skin, leaving me feeling oddly _disappointed_ , and his hands left my body as he stepped away from me, no longer pressed against my back. “Um… okay, what… what did you have planned?”

“We wants to go eat,” Tommy told me. “And then maybe do something together.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, that’s just what she said. We’ll be there in a few. I’ll talk to you then.”

“Right,” I sighed, swallowing, “bye, Tommy.”

I hung up and put the phone on the small kitchen table as I turned to face Kieron. Kieron and his perfect eyes he’d have to hide.

“Contacts, then,” he said, as though reading my mind, and I nodded.

“Sorry,” I said. “I didn’t know they were planning, um… d-did you hear him? On the phone?”

“Kind of,” he said. “I tried not to listen until you said they were coming.”

I nodded, grinning. It pleased me to know he at least attempted to give me some privacy, until it concerned him too.

“Well, they’ll be here soon, so…”

He nodded and disappeared back into the bedroom. It honestly took all I had not to follow after him – the bond _ached_ for it, ached for the contact at the moment, and I knew he was feeling the same. It was why he kept coming back to me out of the blue, why we kept having sex even after we planned to do something else. I wasn’t complaining, but I was a little worried about how we would get through the day with Tommy and Lacy.

I was also upset he had to cover his eyes.

I wasn’t sure why I was so attached to those bright eyes, but I was. To know he had to cover them up, and that they would soon stop glowing…

Stop being so open and bright and _Kieron_ …

I sighed and looked up as he re-entered the kitchen, the color of his eyes dulled by the contacts. Lacy and Tommy wouldn’t know the difference, but already I missed the glow. I missed being close to him; I missed his lips on my neck, his arms around me, his skin against my own…

_The bond needs to calm down._

I knew he claimed me; I knew the bond was in overdrive right now. I knew we would both need to get used to this change. I knew I liked the change, liked his eyes and the closeness we now shared. I also knew it couldn’t stay this way.

We would need to get this under control – stop falling into each other whenever we could, stop slipping into sex so easily, even though I knew we both enjoyed it.

Sex…

I swallowed, chewing on my lower lip as I watched Kieron. “You’re… I mean… You’ll be okay, right? Since we just… an hour ago…”

He got possessive, in a way, after we had sex, until a certain amount of time passed. Roughly eight hours. If I tried to move away from him, then, he got… _something_. Before he claimed me, he attempted to hold me down to the bed and bite me, so much that it hurt, and I snapped at him to get off of me and not to touch me, while he tried to explain what happened. And then after he claimed me, he told me not to walk away from him for any reason, and be in contact with him. He could walk away from me, but I couldn’t move away from him. If I tried to, he said he might hurt me, and he didn’t want to do that.

And now, we only had sex an hour ago.

We couldn’t cling to each other while we were out with Tommy and Lacy.

Kieron took in a slow breath. “I’ll be fine,” he said. “Just… stay close.”

I nodded. “You won’t, um… snap at Tommy or anything, will you?”

And by ‘snap’ I meant physically. Like attack him if he got too close to me or anything. I could remember him snarling at Ashere when he stepped toward us, and that was his best friend. Kieron and Tommy didn’t get along on the best of days.

Kieron scowled, irritation flickering briefly across his face. It was hard to read his eyes with those contacts – another reason I hated them, though I understood their necessity. “I won’t hurt your brother, Terry.”

“I didn’t mean… I… I know you won’t, I just… I’m sorry.”

He shook his head, looking over my shoulder toward the door even before someone knocked on it. I took in a breath and turned to move toward it, when Kieron’s hands caught my waist and pull me back, spinning me so I was facing him. His lips instantly landed on my own in a crushing kiss, and before I had a chance to really respond, he pulled away and dipped his head, licking at the too-sensitive skin of my neck, before he pulled back further, releasing me. He took a deep breath and nodded.

“Okay, I’m good now,” he told me. “And your neck is fine.”

I realized it might have been bruised or something, from his constant biting. He must have healed whatever mark he’d left behind.

Did he purposefully mark me, and leave that mark behind?

I smirked at him even as I turned and headed toward the door as my brother knocked again, impatiently.

I opened the door and smiled at my brother. “Hello, Tommy,” I said as I reached my arms out. He rolled his eyes – hazel like my own, one of the only similarities we had – and embraced me, before stepping away, peering over my shoulder at Kieron, who stood behind me.

“Kieron,” he said in acknowledgement. At least he was being civil.

“Thomas,” Kieron replied, and I watched as Tommy sighed and turned on his heel, moving toward his car, where Lacy sat behind the wheel.

Kieron knew Tommy didn’t like being called Thomas; he must have seen it in my memories or something. He always called Tommy that now – to irk him, really.

I could have told him to stop, but honestly, Tommy started the animosity between them, and it wasn’t anything harmful. It was more to irritate my brother than anything, so I allowed it.

Kieron and I climbed in the back seat while Tommy sat in the passenger seat. Lacy smiled at us in the rearview mirror, her blue eyes – a lighter shade than Kieron’s – twinkling as she did so.

“Hello, Terry, Kieron,” she said cheerfully.

I loved Lacy. She was always so cheerful and exuberant; she was amazing, and sweet.

“Hey,” I said, smiling back at her. How could I not?

Kieron nodded amicably. “Hello,” he said.

“How was training?” she asked.

I realized that was probably what Tommy told her – that Kieron was away at training, for the military since I said he was a Marine, and that I went with him like I sometimes did. It was best for her to believe this lie than for her to get dragged into the truth – that I was the unwilling head of a war I unknowingly caused in Atlantis, and my boyfriend was actually a blue-haired immortal.

This seemed much more realistic than telling her the truth.

Tommy only knew the truth because the tagged along with us to Ethereal when we were searching for the antidote to save Kieron. He literally stumbled through the gateway into Ethereal after we did, after having been following us. Kieron probably would have noticed his presence sooner, and stopped him from coming, if he’d been at his best, but he’d been weakened and tired, and I’d been so wrapped up in worrying about him that I hadn’t noticed Tommy following us, either.

“It was fine,” Kieron said.

“Ah, I see – classified, is it?” Lacy asked.

Kieron offered a faint smile. “In a way,” he told her. “How have you been?”

“Oh, we’ve been great,” Lacy chirped happily. “What are you doing for your birthday, Terry? Tommy and I were discussing what to get you – what would you like?”

I froze, frowning as I considered what they were saying. My birthday? Well, it _was_ January. My birthday was January 15 th. I hadn’t even realized it was approaching, too wrapped up in everything happening in Ethereal. Too wrapped up in my first Christmas with Kieron, too wrapped up with him claiming me, and everything that was happening around us.

Kieron went stiff. “Are birthdays important?”

Lacy shot him a glance in the rearview mirror, like he was insane. “Birthdays are always important! Did your family-…” There she cut herself off and sighed, looking back at the road.

I told her that his own parents didn’t love him, and that he didn’t love his parents. So she was probably realizing what I was.

“You’ve never celebrated your birthday,” I said quietly, looking at him, my fingers twitching with the urge to capture his own, but I managed to keep them in my lap, “have you.”

“No,” he said, frowning at me. I hated the confusion I saw across his face. “So they are important?”

“How could you have never celebrated your birthday?” Lacy asked sadly. “I mean… I know you and your parents didn’t really… get along, but… not even when you were little?”

I closed my eyes, remembering what I’d seen of his memories of when he was little. When he was five, his parents shunned him. They told him to call them by their names, instead of Mom and Dad, like his sister, Kleo, did. When he was five he got his animalistic ears and features, and was excited about them like any little kid would be. And then when his parents reacted harshly… he was scared, like any normal kid. Terrified, even, and confused and seeking comfort but finding only a trip to the Lake instead. The _Lake_. His parents honestly thought it was okay to throw a _five-year-old_ into the _Lake_ , to be punished for eternity, simply because he grew some ears.

I hadn’t seen a lot about his childhood, but what I had seen so far, I hated. He’d had such a rough life…

I lost the battle of keeping my hands to myself, and caught his hand, entwining our fingers between us in the backseat as I opened my eyes.

“It wasn’t ever important,” Kieron said to Lacy, answering her earlier question. “I don’t think I’ve ever celebrated.”

“Poor thing!” Lacy said. “Oh, my poor thing. Do you… When is your birthday?”

Kieron tensed, his fingers stiffening in my hold as I tightened my grip, glancing at him. His gaze shifted out the window at his side, shoulders rigid and tense, and I suddenly realized he didn’t even know that answer. He didn’t know when his birthday was because it was never mentioned, because no one thought it important enough to bring up, or celebrate, or…

 _Kieron?_ I called softly through our link, squeezing his hand briefly. _I can make something up if you want. It’s okay. You don’t have to answer._

He was silent for a beat.

Then:

I looked back toward the front, where Lacy was waiting for an answer, catching my eye in the rearview mirror as we stopped at a light. Her gaze was heavy with worry and concern, and she was such a wonderful person.

I smiled at her. “His birthday is in March,” I told her, picking a random month.

“I see,” she said, brightening a little. “Well, we haven’t missed it, then! Don’t worry, Kieron, we’ll plan you the best party ever to make up for it.”

I glanced at Kieron to see him offering her a small smile as she looked at him through the mirror as well. “That’s not necessary.”

“Nonsense! It’s happening.”

“You might as well give in,” Tommy said, speaking for the first time since we got into the car. “Once she’s made her mind up, there’s no changing it.”

I smiled and tightened my grip on Kieron’s hand, causing his gaze to slip toward me. “We’ll celebrate it,” I told him.

**_It’s not even my real birthday, human._ **

_Doesn’t matter, idiot._

**_Why is it so important all of a sudden?_ **

_You were making a deal out of my birthday, remember? Asking if it was important? Well, so is yours._

**_It’s not. Perpetuals don’t celebrate birthdays._ **

_Why not?_

He sighed and looked back out his window as we moved through the green light.

**_We live forever – what would be the point?_ **

He had a point, there, but that didn’t mean I liked it.

_We’re celebrating, Kieron. And I don’t care that it’s not your real birthday – it is now._

**_You’re impossible, you know that?_ **

I smiled. _Yeah, but you love me anyway._

He shook his head, and we both looked forward when Lacy stopped the vehicle. I hadn’t even noticed we were in a parking lot until now. We unbuckled and climbed out of the vehicle to find ourselves at a steakhouse. Instantly my mouth was salivating as we entered the restaurant.

We got a table quickly enough, and Kieron and I sat on one side of the booth while Lacy and Tommy sat on the other, with Lacy across from Kieron and me across from Tommy.

The waitress went to get our drinks while we looked over the menus.

I already knew I was getting steak. New York Strip steak, to be exact. Nearly as good as Ribeye.

“So, Kieron, they don’t plan on sending you across the seas, do they?” Lacy asked conversationally as she thumbed through the pages of her menu.

Kieron shrugged, looking over his own menu. “Not that I know of, but you never know.”

It would be a convenient excuse if he had to go to Ethereal for a while and I couldn’t go with him, but I hoped that didn’t happen. I hoped we would never need to use that excuse.

“Do you mostly just train people, then?”

“Pretty much,” he said with a nod.

“That sounds like a good deal, I suppose.”

“Sometimes.”

The waitress returned with our drinks, and we ordered, and she hurried away to call the orders in, assuring us our food would be out as quickly as possible.

“Thanks for taking us to lunch,” I told Lacy.

She smiled at me. “I’m just happy we could all get together for a while. I feel like we haven’t seen much of you since Christmas.”

This was very true.

I shrugged. “I was away with Kieron.”

“Oh, I know, I wasn’t blaming you,” she said with a chuckle. “I was just hoping we could all get together more often – be a big family and everything.”

I nodded – that did sound nice. I wasn’t sure how it would work if we had to keep disappearing to Ethereal, but it was a nice thought.

“Where did you want to go after this?” I asked, because Tommy mentioned something about hanging out after we ate.

Lacy smiled. “Oh, you’ll see.”

I glanced at Tommy. “Should I be scared?”

He nodded solemnly. “You should be terrified.”

 

“Bowling?” I asked, staring at the building we parked in front of as Lacy giggled and climbed out of the car.

Kieron and I were more slow to follow after them, both of us sharing looks.

“Bowling?” I asked again once we made it inside.

“Yes,” Lacy said, grinning. “I thought it was something fun we could all do, as a family.”

“I’m not family,” Kieron said, and I tossed him a glare, but Lacy beat me to the punch.

“Yes you are,” she said, narrowing her eyes at him, poking at his chest with finely trimmed finger. Kieron blinked at her, uncertain, and she smiled. “You’re with Terry – that makes you family.”

He glanced over at me, and I grinned, nodding in agreement with Lacy.

She grabbed him by the front of his shirt and led him toward the counter.

After we had our shoes and a lane, we picked out our bowling balls. Watching Kieron scowl at his was priceless, truly.

“I don’t understand the appeal of tossing a ball down a lane and knocking pins over,” he said, placing his ball on the little stand along with the rest of ours.

Lacy tossed him a bewildered look. “Don’t tell me you’ve never been bowling, either?”

Kieron frowned. “Is that a problem? Is bowling important?” This he directed at me.

He looked so confused and so out of place I just wanted to hug him. Instead I settled for grabbing his hand and giving it a quick squeeze, my skin igniting with the contact. All I wanted to do at that moment was pull him off to the side and kiss him, and hold him, and-

_Bond, please calm down._

I took a slow breath and smiled at him as I released his hand. “It’s for fun,” I said. “It’s not _important_ , really, but it’s for fun. To relax. You know, like laser tag.”

“Ooohh, you guys went to play laser tag?” Lacy asked. “I’m so jealous! Why don’t we do that anymore, baby?” This she directed at Tommy, who frowned.

“I wasn’t aware you wanted to.”

“Of course I want to!” she said, smirking, before looking back at me and Kieron. “Don’t worry, Kieron, I’m sure you’ll be great at bowling.”

She went off to start the scoreboard, typing our names into the screen, while I attempted to explain the basics to Kieron.

“I’m gonna get some drinks to get started,” Tommy announced a moment later, looking at me. “Come with me, Terry.”

I sighed and left Kieron there with Lacy, even as I felt this nearly overwhelming urge to rush back to him the further away from him I got. This was the furthest I’d been from him in… a while. I felt jittery, like I had too much coffee – antsy, anxious. I kept glancing back at him to find him watching me even as he conversed with Lacy.

“Terry?”

I blinked, realizing Tommy had been trying to talk to me as we waited in line. “What? Sorry, my… mind is elsewhere.”

“Why do you keep looking back at him? He’s not going anywhere.”

I shrugged; explaining it to him would be too difficult. “What were you saying?”

“I was asking how it went.”

“How what went?” I asked somewhat absently, glancing back at Kieron.

He wasn’t watching me anymore, but was frowning as Lacy picked up her bowling ball, attempting to explain things further to him.

“Ethereal,” Tommy said in a hushed whisper, causing my gaze to snap back toward him.

“What?”

“How did it go in Ethereal?”

“Oh. It went okay. We just talked to people – that’s all. Nothing major.”

I didn’t mention the fact I was the head of a war. I didn’t mention the fact I was in a battle and got to carry a sword. I didn’t mention the new and improved bond since Kieron claimed me.

It would only make him worry.

“So everything’s okay, then? You don’t need to rush off to there again?”

I shifted uneasily as we moved forward in line, only two people ahead of us now. “I don’t… I mean… We’ll have to go there eventually. Kieron’s from there; it’s important.”

“To him?”

“Yes. And to me.”

“Why you?”

“Because he’s important to me,” I said, scowling at my brother. “Look, okay, I have to go there occasionally and I don’t like letting Kieron go there alone. He’s my boyfriend, and we share a bond. I need to go with him. I’m sorry if that bothers you.”

Tommy sighed heavily. We finally made it to the front of the line, and ordered our drinks, and that was the end of that discussion.

I all but gravitated back to Kieron’s side, feeling at ease only when my fingers brushed lightly against his own, all those anxious feelings slipping away as though they were never there.

 

All in all, it was a fun day. I missed spending time with Tommy and Lacy, and I agreed with Lacy when she said we needed to do this more often. I was also looking forward to celebrating Kieron’s birthday in March. I told them his birthday was March 3rd; I was looking forward to it, and I hoped Kieron was, too.

We barely made it inside the apartment and closed the door behind us before I found myself with my back against the wall near the door, the keys to the door falling from my slack grasp as Kieron’s mouth claimed my own, his hands on either side of my head, flat against the wall.

The kiss was long, rough and greedy, and it was only after we broke it that I felt I could breathe properly. His fingers snagged the bottom edge of my shirt and tore it over my head as I moved my arms to let him, and the article of clothing fell to the ground near the keys, forgotten. Next his fingers worked at my pants, pushing them down my legs, and I couldn’t kick them away fast enough. His lips landed against the bare skin of my neck, and I tilted my head to give him better access, allowing my head to rest back against the wall as a wave of pleasure rolled over me.

I clasped at his shirt. “Clothes – off, now.”

He growled in response, nipping at sensitive skin, and my eyes fell closed.

“Kie – clothes…”

What was I saying?

Why could he always get me naked but he was always still clothed? It wasn’t fair.

Thankfully he decided the clothes were constricting, and he pulled away only long enough to lose all of his clothes – _all of them, thank God_ – before he reconnected with me, lips sealing against my neck yet again as his hands traveled down my chest, brushing over my too-sensitive nipples very briefly before traveling downward, toward more interesting areas.

My own hands tangled in his hair as I pressed his head more against me, his teeth biting down a little deeper into my skin.

My eyes opened and I swallowed, Adam’s apple bobbing briefly. His mouth released my skin and he slid down the length of my body, my skin ablaze with pleasure wherever he touched, and then his mouth closed around my throbbing member. My grip in his hair tightened as I gasped, tensing as my feet pushed against the ground, making me inch up the wall a little taller even as his tongue swirled around the head in all the right ways, and it took everything I had not to attempt to fuck his perfect mouth, but I knew that would make him stop. It was so much easier to keep still and let him work his magic when I was flat on my back on the bed – standing here, like this, it was so much harder.

“ _Kieron_ ,” I gasped as he bobbed his head so perfectly. “ _Fuck_ …”

Close. So fucking _close_.

My grip in his hair tightened as I was on the edge of climax. Just another second, another perfect bob of his head, another swirl of his amazing tongue, and-

He pulled away, releasing me, and I growled as I clutched at his head, attempting to guide him back down but he only growled and pulled away easily, looking up at me.

“Please,” I groaned, my head falling back to rest against the wall. “Fuck you, so _close_ …”

He laughed – this low, rough sound which instantly left my cock twitching once again, on the edge of orgasm. All I needed was a _touch_. If he wouldn’t do it, then-

He easily caught my wrist before my hand even had a hope of making it toward the desired location. He caught my other hand as well, and slid them up, over my head, holding them there against the wall. I struggled – it was the principle of the thing, dammit. But of course it was futile. He was always going to be stronger than me, even with one hand holding my wrists together above my head, as high up as he could reach – which was basically as high up as I could reach, too.

He kept one hand there, holding me captive, and his other hand traced the outline of my hips. Over the curve, toward the inner thighs, and then away again, leaving me grunting in frustration.

“Kieron,” I huffed, “why are you doing this…”

_Why are you always such a fucking tease…_

It wasn’t fair.

He looked at me, a feral smirk on his face, and I couldn’t even enjoy his eyes because he still wore his stupid contacts.

“Lose the contacts,” I told him.

He shook his head, and then his mouth was against mine, silencing any further protests.

His hand closed around my still wet dick – still slick from his wonderful mouth – and his thumb easily teased the head before his fingers worked the shaft, all the way down to the fine hairs of my groin. I tried to keep the hair as short as I could without actually shaving it – that was just something I wouldn’t do. No razors were getting anywhere near there.

He settled on a quick rhythm after a few pumps, and I moaned into his mouth even as his tongue slid past my own lips, easily dominating the muscle which resided within.

So close.

My breaths quickened, rushed through my nose as I came closer to the rising orgasm.

And then again – he pulled away.

Released me and left me squirming against the wall, whining into his mouth but he only swallowed down the protests, teeth nipping at my lip as he pulled his tongue back into his own mouth. His fingers teased the too-sensitive skin of my inner thighs, inching closer, then away, and I struggled to free my hands. If he wasn’t going to do it, then I would. I had to; I needed to.

This was… torture.

His mouth finally left my own, only to reappear at my neck. Biting, sucking, licking. All the wonderful things I loved.

His thumb slid briefly over the head of my cock – there one second, gone the next, but it was enough to leave me gasping at the brief contact, and yearn for more as he continued to nip at my neck. That wonderful, amazing spot on my neck which was _too fucking sensitive_.

“Please,” I said, struggling to pull my hands free again, but of course his grip hadn’t loosened any since the last time.

“Please-” Bite. “-what?” Lick.

“I… I don’t…”

What was I asking for?

His fingers closed around my throbbing member again and I arched into his hold as much as I could, my wrists still held firmly against the wall above my head.

And then like before – I got on the edge of bliss, and he pulled away.

Leaving me snarling and gasping.

“ _Please_ ,” I said again, struggling yet again. “ _Fuck_ , please.”

“Hmm?”

“ _Fuck me_.”

He laughed – dark, rough, _perfect_.

He finally released my wrists, allowing them to slide down the wall. My arm muscles were sore from them being up there for so long.

“No touching yourself,” he said roughly.

“Then lose the contacts,” I said breathlessly. It was so hard to keep from touching myself when I was so fucking _close_. So close so many times, and the orgasm was right _there_ , just out of reach. This wasn’t fair.

He gestured toward the bedroom.

I grinned happily and led the way in there.

By the time he joined me, I was ready on the bed – on my back, legs spread, lube at my side. He had no reason to hesitate, no reason to stop. I was happy to see that he’d lost the contacts on the way into the room. He glanced at me with his wonderful glowing eyes as he deposited the contacts in their little blue box, and then climbed onto the bed between my legs.

“Ready, I see,” he said.

“Fuck me,” I told him.

“Patience.”

“You’re not supposed to be in control, remember?” I accused, glaring at him. “So stop… _teasing_ me.”

He shook his head, that feral smile back on his face. “And what would you have me do?”

_Oh, fuck._

I would have him do so many things.

“W-Whatever you want,” I said finally, swallowing thickly.

He looked entirely too perfect right now, sitting there between my legs, naked, with his glowing eyes and that feral look on his face…

“Please,” I said quietly.

“Please what?”

“Anything,” I replied truthfully. “Do anything. Just _please_.”

He didn’t quite laugh, but it was close. And then his fingers were digging into the skin of my hips – into the bones, tight and bruising, and his tongue was sliding along the head of dick, leaving me tensing and gasping and bringing my arms up so I could grasp at the headboard.

I didn’t want to risk doing anything that might make him stop – _again_. If he pulled away again… if he got me so close and then pulled away before I could…

Kieron’s tongue was very talented. With a few quick flicks and swirls I was putty beneath him. I would do whatever he wanted as long as he kept going – as long as he _never fucking stopped_.

It came as a shock when he slipped a finger inside of me. I hadn’t even noticed his hand moving, closing in on my entrance, but suddenly a finger was all the way inside of me, and the pain was quickly overwhelmed by the pleasure which rolled through me as his mouth kept working with those amazing swirls and swishes.

I moaned – breathy, pathetic, _wanting more_.

 _Needing_ more.

His finger hooked just so inside of me, leaving me moaning again, pleasure rushing over me once more.

And then – he stopped.

Released my dick as he sat up, looking down at me, his finger still buried inside of me, but it was no longer moving.

“No,” I hissed, glaring at him, clutching tightly at the headrest, “ _no_ , dammit, not again – why are you – _fuck me already_!”

He shook his head, that rough little smirk still on his face as he reached for the lube. I could have cried then – sank to my knees, praised his name to the heavens, cried in relief because _finally_. Finally.

Sadly, after having been denied the chance to cum so many times in a row – I lost track of how many, but it was entirely too many – I came almost the instant he was inside of me. All it took was a few thrusts and then I was lost to the sea of bliss.

It didn’t end there, of course.

No – Kieron liked to have me suffer, apparently. Suffer because he liked to tease in the worst possible ways, and-

I came too many times to count that night.

All I knew was I collapsed into bed next to him a little while later, completely and utterly _exhausted_ , and fell sleep with his arms around me, his lips kissing at my neck.


	10. Abyss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter came right the flip out of nowhere - I didn't know it was going to happen until my fingers were typing it. I'm just as confused as Terry. Oh well... it needed some action anyway xD It was getting rather slow.

Chapter Ten: Abyss

 

A week passed in this blissful sort of haze. We spent our days having sex for the most part, interrupted by occasional bouts of hunger and the need to shower only to become sticky again almost immediately after. Tommy and Lacy invited us to eat again, and we joined them. Other than that, the week was spent at the apartment, mostly in bed, or on the couch, or against a wall, or-

That changed a few days after that first week passed.

At first I wasn’t sure what was different. I woke and stared up at the ceiling, confused for a long time, until I rolled over and realized Kieron wasn’t pressed against my side like he normally was. Ever since the new phase of our bond, ever since he claimed me, I woke with his arms around me in some way, our bodies connected and tangled. On this morning, though, he was on his side facing away from me, sound asleep, his breaths deep and even.

And I knew.

I knew even before I sat up, and the movement caused him to stir. I knew even before he rolled over and opened his eyes, looking at me.

I knew.

But seeing his eyes, so normal, so _dulled_ , back to their original color… that glow gone now…

It hurt.

And it shouldn’t have, because I _knew_ this was coming. I knew this was the whole reason we got a vacation like this in the first place – so he could regain control, make his eyes stop glowing, and we could focus entirely on the war instead of the pressing need to always be near each other.

As amazing as this past week had been, I suddenly regretted everything that happened. I regretted all the sex, I regretted our vacation, I regretted _everything_. I just wanted that glow back. I wanted that closeness back. I wanted his arms back around me, wanted his reluctance to leave my side for any length of time…

“How do you feel?” I asked after I managed to find my voice.

“Better,” he said, and smiled.

I looked away and climbed out of bed. “That’s great,” I said. “I’m gonna shower.”

The fact he didn’t follow after me, or offer to join me, only reinforced the fact that it was over.

That primal closeness was over. He was back in control. I couldn’t even be angry with him, because this was what needed to happen. It was why we came here in the first place. He needed to regain control; it had to happen sooner or later. This was how it needed to be, how he wanted it to be. He didn’t like not being in control. He couldn’t always be out of control simply because I liked him that way. Because I liked his glowing eyes, loved the closeness when he was out of control, enjoyed having him so close even though he was only that close because he couldn’t help it…

The bond wasn’t closed, but it might as well have been with the way my mind felt so empty now. While Kieron was out of control, his thoughts and _emotions_ leaked through our mental link, through the bridge connecting our minds, and it made my mind feel so _full_ and _complete_ and now it was just so… empty. So empty because his mental shields, his walls, were back in place, keeping his thoughts and everything to himself, and after having him so close, in my mind, for so long now… I didn’t know what to do now that my mind was my own again. Now that my thoughts echoed in my head, all my own, and there was no warmth of his thoughts brushing against my own.

It was just so…

 _Empty_.

And I hated it.

I couldn’t be angry with him, though. This wasn’t just what he needed, it was what he _wanted_. He wanted to regain control, and who was I to stop him? To selfishly want to keep him out of control because I liked having him so close, both mentally and physically? I had no right.

It wasn’t like he was distant – things would be like they were before he claimed me. But after having a taste of what it was like with him so much closer, so much more _open_ with me…

Going back to like it was before…

I closed my eyes as my head bowed, chin dipping toward my chest as I sighed, just standing there beneath the warm spray of the water.

By the time I managed to collect myself enough – ignore the warmth’s absence in my mind – to start actually showering, the water was cold. I shivered through the rest of the shower and by the time I climbed out from under the cold spray, my teeth were close to chattering.

I realized then that I had fled to the bathroom too quickly; I hadn’t thought to grab clothes. Then again it never seemed to matter in the past week. Kieron and I showered together but never brought clothes into the bathroom with us; we’d strut through the bedroom naked, searching for clothes, me with a towel around my waist and Kieron toweling his hair dry, and then we’d inevitably return to the bed, or against a wall, and get dirty all over again.

A shiver inched up my spine. I blamed it on the cold.

There would be none of that now – no getting dirty all over again. Because I was alone, and Kieron was in control again. He wouldn’t be grabbing me suddenly, and spinning me, pushing me onto the bed or against a wall. He wouldn’t be kissing me fiercely, like he was desperate for it. He wouldn’t be… He just wouldn’t be.

My doubts were confirmed when I opened the bathroom door and realized he wasn’t waiting for me. I wasn’t sure why I thought he would be – he’d just been so close lately, perhaps I had hoped…

But he wasn’t in the bedroom. I did smell food, though. Breakfast.

 _Pancakes_.

I smiled despite myself, and quickly dressed before joining Kieron in the kitchen. He was sitting at the table with a plate of food in front of him, and across from him, at the other seat, was my own plate. I sat down and picked up the glass of milk next to my plate, taking a long chug of it.

“Thanks,” I said gratefully.

He inclined his head in acknowledgement and kept eating.

Breakfast passed in silence. It was comfortable, for the most part, but a part of me, in the back of my mind, wasn’t quite satisfied. I just wanted… things like they were _yesterday_. Fucking yesterday. With him so close, filling my mind…

“At least I don’t have to wear those contacts anymore,” he said after we were done eating, picking up our empty plates and depositing them in the sink. Kieron was very tidy, actually; it always surprised me, in a way. He didn’t seem the tidy type. Then again, he didn’t seem like the bookish type, either. He was just full of surprises.

“Yeah,” I said, looking down at the table, “there’s that, at least.”

“Is something wrong?”

I shook my head, getting to my feet. “No, everything’s fine. I’m happy you’re in control.”

This wasn’t technically a lie – being in control made Kieron happy because it was something he wanted, and I was happy he was happy. I was happy he got what he wanted. I just wasn’t happy about… other aspects.

The phone rang, then, and I distracted myself with answering it.

 

Apparently, going bowling was going to become a usual thing. Lacy wanted to do more things together as a family, and since she didn’t know when Kieron would be ‘called away’ again, she decided she was going to have us all do things together while he was in town.

I was happy for the distraction, honestly. Even if being with them drove the point home a little more, since Kieron no longer watched me like he had before, and I knew he wasn’t wearing contacts – his eyes were just back to their original color, and no longer bright and open and raw and-

Being with them made me realize things were back to _normal_. And I hated it.

Kieron had nothing to say about me straying farther and farther away from his side. He said nothing as I disappeared for a bit with Tommy, didn’t question my absence or even truly glance at me except in passing. His whole demeanor was… different, but perhaps not as cold as I wanted to say it was. He wasn’t being hostile, or even truly closed off, just not as open. Back to how it was before he claimed me. He hadn’t truly been _distant_ then, exactly, but after having gotten a taste of how much better it could be…

I just wanted that back, because I was terribly selfish.

I truly had more important things to worry about – like the war, and fighting, and the fact we would have to return to Ethereal soon – but all I really cared about right now was…

“Are you listening to me?”

I frowned, blinking at Tommy. “I’m sorry. What?”

Tommy watched me for a moment. We were waiting in line to get pizza from the small food area offered in the bowling alley. We were going to eat here and play a few games well into the night, since it was already six in the evening. Tommy called earlier this morning to tell us of the plans in advance. Until then, Kieron and I spent the day watching TV, or, in his case, reading a book while I watched TV. And tried to ignore the absence of his warmth in my mind.

“What’s wrong with you?” my brother asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Did you two have a fight?”

“Who?”

Irritation sparked across his face, igniting in his eyes. “You and Kieron, idiot. You’ve been giving him puppy eyes all night, and you seem antsy. More so than usual. Did you two have a fight?”

“I have _not_ been giving him _puppy eyes_ ,” I muttered, shaking my head even as my gaze once again skittered toward Kieron, who sat with his back to me at the table near our chosen lane. Lacy sat across from him, speaking animatedly about something. If Kieron noticed me stealing glances at him, he didn’t show it, and he wasn’t looking at me like he had the last time we were here.

I remembered the way his eyes had followed me, the way he was reluctant to let me out of his sight and more than a few paces away from him because of the bond. I had felt the same, eager to return to his side, becoming more antsy the further away from him I got.

Tonight, though…

“Terry?”

I looked back at Tommy. “We didn’t have a fight.”

“Then…?”

I shrugged. “It’s complicated. It doesn’t matter.”

“It’s obviously bothering you.”

“It’s not always about me, okay?”

I stepped forward in line, ordering our food before stepping to the side to wait. Tommy joined me, frowning at me.

“Are you telling me that, or yourself?” he asked, hitting too close to the truth, and I turned away from him with a heavy sigh, scrubbing a hand across my face.

“It’s complicated,” I murmured. “Please just leave it be. We’re fine.”

He was quiet for a moment, before he sighed. “Fine. He didn’t hurt you, right?”

“No. He would never… Why do you assume he’s terrible for me? Hasn’t he proven himself by now?”

He saved Tommy’s life, after all. On more than one occasion.

Hell, Tommy watched him save _my_ life even when he was already dying and shouldn’t have bothered with healing me, because it was detrimental to his already failing health at the time.

“I’m sorry,” Tommy said. “It’s just-”

“Here you go,” said the guy behind the counter, waving us over. I paid him and took the large, oversized pizza which was honestly very heavy and lopsided as it slid across the wooden pan it came on. I carefully carried it back toward the table Kieron and Lacy were seated at, and put the pan down between them.

“We can order another one after we get a game started,” Tommy said as he sat down next to Lacy.

Last time we were here, I was happy to sit with Kieron.

Now it just felt so… distant.

I sat anyway. Kieron smiled at me, but somehow it didn’t help.

_What’s wrong with me?_

I shouldn’t have felt like this. I had no right. I had been like this all day – it shouldn’t have bothered me anymore. It had to happen, and I knew it would happen, so why was I still so… off-balance? Off-center?

It didn’t make any sense.

_Why am I feeling this way…_

I needed to get this under control. Just because Kieron was in control, and wasn’t all… well, _all over_ me, that didn’t mean I had to behave like this, or feel like this. Even Tommy noticed something was wrong, and he didn’t even really like Kieron. Kieron was in control, and he wasn’t _as_ open as he had been recently, but he wasn’t really closed-off, either. The bond was still there, still vibrant and strong, a quiet hum in the back of my mind. Our mental link was still solid and there. _He_ was still solid and there, right next to me, blue eyes darkening a little as his smile twitched into a faint frown.

I could see the questions in his eyes.

Taking a breath, I reached for a slice of pizza and started eating. Thankfully this seemed to deter him for the time being, but I knew he knew something was wrong. He would ask about it soon, and I honestly wasn’t sure how to respond to him. What could I say? That I wished he hadn’t regained control, when it was the whole reason we were granted this two-week fuck-a-thon?

_No right to feel this way. Stop it, bond. Knock it off. This is for the best._

 

After bowling, we dropped Lacy off at their house and Tommy, Kieron and I went to a bar to drink, because that was what men did, apparently. All I wanted to do was go home and curl up in bed and attempt to pretend my mind wasn’t so _empty_ , but that didn’t seem like it was going to happen. Kieron didn’t argue with the offer to get drinks, and I realized he probably had never been in a bar before. Had he ever even had alcohol before?

Enthusiasm over possibly sharing alcohol with him for the first time overshadowed my pity party and I quickly ordered the first round of drinks while Tommy found a secluded table in the back corner of the bar. I wondered if they something like alcohol in Ethereal and if so, what it was and if Kieron had ever gotten drunk. A drunk Kieron was a very amusing thought and I couldn’t believe we hadn’t come to a bar or partaken in excessive amounts of alcohol before now.

I joined Kieron and Tommy at our small table in the back corner and placed a large mug of frothy liquid in front of Kieron, smirking at him when he looked up at me. He sniffed at the beverage before scowling.

“Don’t tell me you’ve never had beer before,” Tommy said incredulously, staring at my boyfriend. I sat next to Kieron, across from Tommy, and took a sip of my own beverage, hiding my smirk in the frothy liquid.

Kieron’s scowl deepened. “Beer smells unpleasant – why would anyone drink this willingly?”

Tommy laughed. “Because it’s fun.”

“ _Fun_?”

“Yes – _fun_. You really need to get out more. Do they not have alcohol in Atlantis? Have you never been _drunk_?”

Kieron looked at me as though for help, but I only smiled and shook my head. It was something I wanted to know as well.

My perpetual sighed, shoulders slouching as he sat back in his seat. “We have – _something_ akin to what you are describing. It’s not called alcohol, and it smells nothing like – _this_.”

His obvious distaste for beer was actually quite amusing.

“Try it,” I told him. “The first one always sucks. It gets better.”

“Gets better,” he repeated, frowning at me.

“It’s an acquired taste,” I told him.

“Is beer important? Is this _acquired taste_ important?”

“Oh, yes, very much so,” I said with a grin. “It’s downright _vital_.”

He watched me for a moment, and then shook his head. “You’re lying, but fine. I’ll drink this… _beer_.” He grabbed his mug and brought the edge of it to his lips, taking a large chug of the frothy liquid. He swallowed it and scowled. “It tastes terrible.”

I burst out laughing, unable to stop it from happening. Even Tommy looked amused, smiling at my perpetual. I relaxed in my seat, feeling the most at ease I’d felt all day, ever since I woke up and realized Kieron was controlled. He was better.

And just like that my good mood dimmed a little. I quickly finished my mug of beer and went to get another round for us. I returned and place a mug in front of Kieron, who had barely drank any of his yet. He eyed the new mug apprehensively.

“I don’t require more.”

“Maybe not, but you’re having more.”

“Why?”

He cocked his head to the side in that adorably cute manner, and I grinned. “Because we’re going to get shit-faced tonight.”

“Shit-faced.”

“Drunk,” Tommy supplied with a laugh.

“And why are we getting drunk tonight?” Kieron asked, watching me. There was _something_ in his eyes, something which made that color darken, and I looked away.

“Because you never have,” I said, “and I haven’t in – a long time.”

I honestly wasn’t sure how long it had been since I was drunk. Perhaps the night I met Kieron for the first time? I’d taken that shortcut through the woods because I was drunk and couldn’t drive my car, and it was cold, so I took the shortcut so I could get home faster and not freeze during the long walk.

It had been a long time.

And if I ever needed a drink, I felt like today was it.

Just a little something to numb this _emptiness_ in my mind.

Kieron wasn’t even really _dimmed_ in my mind – just not as _there_ as he had been lately. It really shouldn’t have bothered me this much. This was ridiculous and it needed to stop. The bond needed to calm down and let me breathe normally.

I frowned.

_No, really – let me breathe._

I couldn’t catch my breath suddenly.

The room went all fuzzy – dark, gray, sounds all rolling together.

Someone spoke in my ear. Loud, alarmed. Fingers grasped my shoulder, shook me roughly. My eyes fell closed, anvils atop the lids, weighing them down, the lashes stitching together.

I was so _heavy_.

**_Terry, wake up!_ **

Kieron’s voice was loud, alarmed, in my mind. The warmth of the bond did little to drive out the sudden _chill_ coursing through me. His thoughts brushed against mine, the bond humming louder now, and it was everything I’d wanted all day but suddenly it meant very little. I could barely focus enough to recognize the bond, recognize his thoughts as they slipped against my own, cocooning them from – _something_.

There was something there. In my mind. Dark, heavy. _Cold_.

 _I’m cold,_ I told Kieron. Even thinking those words was so _hard_. Even in my mind it was just so _heavy_.

Kieron’s mind was warm, aglow, _safe_. Like arms tugging me into a warm body except it was all in my head. His presence wrapped around my own, shielding it from _whatever_ it was that was so dark and cold and heavy. And I could breathe again – the cold pushed back a little.

**_What’s going on, Terry?_ **

_I don’t know… was hoping you could tell me…_

I honestly had no idea what was happening, but I didn’t like it.

_What’s wrong with me, Kieron?_

His presence lingered around me for a moment – warm, _safe_ – before it slipped away. In the darkness of my mind he was bright, so incredibly bright, and in my mind’s eye I watched him slip away. Following something I couldn’t see. The heavy, cold feeling didn’t return – it stayed away, seemingly shrinking in on itself, and Kieron’s presence was moving toward that – _thing_.

_Kieron, don’t._

We didn’t know what was happening. He didn’t need to me moving toward it.

Kieron’s presence flickered – there, safe and warm and mine – and then it was gone.

He was gone.

I threw my head back and screamed.

 

I stood on the edge of an abyss, looking over the edge into the darkness below. The drop was too steep, too long. I couldn’t see the bottom, and I couldn’t step away. I hated heights. It was windy; I could fall. I wanted to move, to step away, but my legs were frozen, rooted to the spot.

_ You are not frozen, child. You merely cannot move. _

I froze at the voice, looking around. The area was cold and barren – a wasteland more than anything. For as far as I could see, there was very little. Mostly this cliffside, and that was it. Beyond that there was fog – I could not see very far. No one was around, not to my knowledge, and pinpointing the direction of that voice was very difficult. It seemed to echo all around me.

“Who’s there?” I whispered.

_What’s going on?_

Where was I? Where was-

“ _Kieron_ ,” I choked, closing my eyes. Searching. _Searching_. “No. _No_.”

My mind was – empty. Blank. _Vacant_.

“No, no, no,” I said, bringing my hands up, clutching at my head, taking shaky, uneven breaths. “No, no, _no_ …”

_ Do not be frightened, Terrence. _

“Kieron… Where’s Kieron?”

I didn’t ask how this _voice_ knew who I was. I didn’t ask who they were, I didn’t ask _where_ they were. I only cared about one thing.

“Please,” I whispered when there was no answer, clenching my eyes tighter closed. “Please, I can’t – I can’t feel – _please_. Where is he?”

My mind was my own. Completely my own. There was – _nothing_. Not warmth, not safety, no…

No Kieron.

“ _Where is he_?” I choked, opening my eyes as I looked around, but still I was alone. “Are you listening to me? Where-”

_ There is only you, Terrence. No others exist here. _

I swallowed. “He’s okay. Please – _he’s okay_ , right?”

His presence – it had flickered. Then disappeared. Gone. Suddenly gone.

And I screamed.

And now…

_ As we are here only for you, we cannot say if this ‘Kieron’ is indeed ‘okay’. _

“We,” I whispered, attempting to focus on something, _anything_ , that wasn’t the emptiness in my mind, the tightness in my chest. “What do you mean, _we_? Who… What are you? Where?”

_What’s going on? Kieron, please… are you there?_

My thoughts echoed through my head, bouncing off the walls so to speak. Mine and mine alone.

There was nothing – _no one_ – else.

_Oh, God, be okay. Please._

He had to be okay. There was nothing golden around at the bar. He was fine.

_Please, be fine._

_ We do not have a name. We just are. _

I took a shaky breath, the wind stealing it away just as quickly as I stood there on the abyss. “Okay – where am I? What’s… What’s going on? Why am I here?”

_Where’s Kieron…_

_ You must wake up and return to Ethereal. We will wait for you there, in the Miitha Tiaydh. _

“Miitha Tiaydh,” I said, attempting to pronounce whatever it was this voice just said, and probably failing miserably. “Where’s that? What’s that?”

_ Find us there, Terrence. It is imperative, or all will be lost. _

“All will be…? W-What do you mean?” I asked, attempting to move, but again my feet were frozen. Behind me, I could hear something happening. I glanced over my shoulder to see that the fog had lifted – and there was nothing behind me. Only more abyss, everywhere. I looked back ahead of me, at the nearly familiar abyss since I had been looking at it for so long.

_ If you do not find us, you will lose everything. Including your beloved. _

“My b-beloved?” I echoed, swallowing thickly.

_ Your keishta. Your chosen. Your bonded. They have many names. Either way, you must act quickly. The Ridian Eclipse will be upon Ethereal very soon. You must act before then.  _

“The _what_?” I choked. “Please, you’re not making any sense! I don’t know what you’re saying.”

I had no idea what this voice was talking about.

_ Awaken, Terrence, and find us. Before it is too late. _

“But I don’t know _how_! Where am I? How can…? Am I dreaming?”

Was I asleep?

But even in sleep I felt Kieron’s presence. Why could I not… _Why can’t I…_

_ Your keishta has shielded you from us. He perceives us as a threat – were merely needed to contact you, and perhaps violated your mind. I fear we could have caused severe damage had your beloved not intervened.  _

“Kieron,” I breathed. “So he’s okay?”

He had to be okay. He shielded me from… this, apparently. This voice. This cliffside. And I was grateful because I didn’t _like it here_. I just wanted to wake up. I wanted to go home.

I wanted to wake up in bed with Kieron next to me – him and his glowing eyes.

_ He makes it difficult to contact you. We have been trying – his mental shields are stronger than we imagined. He protected you, but finally his shields lapsed, and we broke through. _

“Protected me,” I repeated. “Broke through. Did he know you were…?” Was he keeping something from me? “You didn’t hurt him, did you?”

_ We have no desire to hurt your bonded. We have no desire to hurt you. We wish only to help and aid you in your journey. Time is of the essence. The one you call ‘Exrie’ is on the rise. His darkness descends upon all of Ethereal. If he succeeds, there will be chaos. He will destroy all that anyone holds dear. He is a poison. He must be stopped. _

On this, at least we could agree. “I’m trying to stop him,” I said. “I just… I don’t know _how_.”

_ Find us. We will aide you in any way we can. For now, you must awaken.  _

“How?”

_ You trust your bonded. Have faith.  _

And then the fog lifted completely, but again there was no landscape. I knew the voice was gone – I could no longer feel it. Feel it _watching_ me, in an odd sort of way. I was alone on this cliffside, and I needed to wake up. Wake up and try to remember everything this voice told me. Wake up and make sure Kieron was okay, he was _safe_ , and re-establish that connection in my mind because it was too _empty_.

My mind was no longer my own. My mind was _ours_ , and it was only half full right now. I hated it.

But how to wake up?

I trusted Kieron. I trusted him with my life, with my mind, with… _everything_. I loved him.

_Have faith._

What did that mean?

I eyed the abyss in front of me. My toes twitched, no longer frozen.

 _Oh_.

I stared, wide-eyed, at the abyss as the pieces clicked into place.

Faith. Trust.

I took a breath.

And then – jumped.

 

 _Warm, warm, warm, safe, mine, complete, yes, Kieron, safe, warm_ -

I opened my eyes, sucking in a sharp breath as consciousness flooded my mind. Kieron hovered over me, lips pursed into a thin white line, and I reached for him, yanking him sharply down onto me, our moths connecting in a rough, sloppy kiss because the angle was all wrong, but I didn’t care.

“You’re okay,” I breathed against his warm lips.

His lips softened, no longer so pursed. “I was never in danger.”

I closed my eyes, swallowing as I remembered the _emptiness_. Watching his presence _flicker_ and disappear. “Where’d you go?” I asked.

“Go?”

“You weren’t… You weren’t there. In my mind. You just… vanished. And… And I thought…”

His lips pressed against mine in a renewed kiss. I held tight to him as his warmth surrounded me, as his hands tangled into my own body, clutching at fabric and pinching skin, and when he pulled back-

“Kieron,” I breathed, staring at him. “Your eyes…”

“I know,” he said, watching me with those beautifully glowing eyes. “I kind of…”

“What?”

He pulled back and I followed him up into a sitting position, realizing only then that I was in the apartment, in the bedroom, on our bed. And it was just me and Kieron.

“Where’s Tommy?”

“He is at his home. I am supposed to call him as soon as you wake up. He was worried about you – I managed to talk him out of taking you to the hospital, but it was difficult. He is very stubborn.”

I smiled faintly. “Yeah, he is,” I said fondly. “But thanks, Kieron.”

He nodded, and then moved away as though to get up.

I grabbed him around the waist, yanking him back into his previous position, simply holding onto him. “He can wait,” I said quickly. “Just… Just… talk to me. What happened?”

“I don’t know.”

Memories came back to me then, and I swallowed thickly. “Kieron… What’s… What’s the Ridian Eclipse?”

Kieron’s spine stiffened, his eyes narrowed. “Where did you hear about that?”

“In my – dream. Or whatever it was.”

“Another presence was in your mind.”

He sounded… _affronted_ at this fact. Insulted.

“I know,” I said quietly. “It… It said you were protecting me before, and… when you… regained control, it…”

He frowned. “So I did that?”

“No!” I said quickly, shaking my head. “No, of course not. I wasn’t in trouble – I wasn’t hurt, you weren’t hurt, we’re fine. It was just… a warning or something. It just… It said we need to stop Exrie before the Ridian Eclipse, whatever _that_ is, and we need to go to… to…” I struggled to remember the name. It was difficult. So difficult. “We need to go to… Mixtha Tiayn or… something…”

Kieron’s eyes narrowed further. “Miitha Tiaydh?” he asked, and I nodded.

“Yes. That.”

“ _Miitha Tiaydh_?” he repeated, staring at me. “That’s what the voice said? The exact words?”

“Yes,” I said, nodding even as I frowned at him. “Why? What’s that mean?”

He was silent for a long time, before he sighed and scrubbed a hand across his face. His face and those perfect glowing eyes.

“Why are your eyes glowing?” I asked. “I thought… you were in control.”

“I was,” he said briskly, still perturbed at the whole ‘Miitha Tiaydh’ bit. “But then you kind of, you know – _started screaming and blacked out on me_ , so I was a little distracted. I joined our minds – this is the result.”

“Oh,” I said simply, watching him. “I’m… sorry?”

“Why are you apologizing?”

“Because… I mean… you were finally in control and now…”

He shrugged. “I’ll get over it. How do you feel?”

I blinked at the topic change. “I’m fine, just… mother of all headaches.”

Now that I thought about it, my head was _searing_. And now that I’d spoken to Kieron, knew he was okay and discussed what I dreamt about, I had nothing else to focus on other than the pain. And it _hurt_.

The bond opened more. Kieron sucked in a breath. The pain eased, ebbing through the bond, into Kieron instead. If I focused I could almost see it, in my mind, the way the haze of _ow fucking hell_ moving through the glowing cord – _glowing_ – that slipped away from my mind toward that ever-present hum of the link between us.

I could breathe again.

“Thank you,” I breathed, practically sinking into him, into his warmth and just – him. “I love you.”

“You should sleep some more,” Kieron said. “Your head will feel better.”

I took in a slow breath, knowing he was right. “Stay with me?” I asked, feeling pathetic for asking, but I just – I needed him to stay with me. After that dream. After the emptiness and… _everything_.

Kieron sighed. “If I must,” he said, but he smirked at me so I knew he was mostly joking. I smiled back and lay back down in the soft pillows. Kieron lay next to me, and I entwined our fingers, tightly clasping his hand.

“You disappeared from my mind,” I said quietly, eyes falling closed, feeling so heavy.

“I didn’t.”

“You did,” I managed to say, swallowing thickly. “Don’t – Don’t do that again.”

Kieron’s fingers tightened around mine ever-so-slightly, and I smiled as sleep claimed me.


	11. Nothing is Fair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for Terry's bitchiness - I promise it will be explained later, so go with it for now, yah?

Chapter Eleven: Nothing is Fair

 

“Terry, you’re okay,” Tommy said the next day, sounding so relieved as he pulled me into a tight hug. I relaxed into his hold, taking a slow breath. Ever since I woke from that dream, or whatever it was, I’d been a little on edge. Kieron seemed to notice and thankfully didn’t stray far from my side, and always returned quickly. The longest he’d been out of my sight was when he went to use the bathroom.

Of course, that might have just been because his eyes were glowing again. He had his contacts in right now, due to Tommy’s presence, even though I told him it would probably be okay if he didn’t have them in because Tommy already knew he was from Ethereal. Then again, that would just raise more questions and we didn’t need that right now.

“I’m fine,” I told my brother, pulling away from him. “Sorry for worrying you – I just… had a migraine.”

Tommy eyed me skeptically. “You screamed and blacked out, after collapsing. With no warning.”

I swallowed. “I… I know. Sorry. I just – it’s difficult to – I don’t know how to explain it.”

“Did it have something to do with this _bond_?”

“Um… k-kind of?”

Tommy rounded on Kieron. “I thought you said you didn’t hurt him.”

“He didn’t,” I said before Kieron could say anything. “It was… I mean… It’s not his fault. If anything he was protecting me, but when he regained control, he-…” I cut myself off there, closing my eyes, but it was already too late.

“ _Regained control_?” Tommy echoed. “What does that mean?”

“Nothing,” I said quickly.

“He was out of control?” Tommy’s gaze darted back and forth between the two of us. Through the bond – more open than it had been the day before – I could feel Kieron’s rising irritation.

“Not in the sense you’re thinking,” I sighed, shaking my head. My head was throbbing – it was nothing like it had been last night, of course, but it was still aching behind my eyes. I told Kieron not to worry about it; I could just take aspirin for it. “Look, it’s between the two of us and you won’t understand, and I can’t explain it. Just know that it’s not Kieron’s fault. He was out of control in a _good_ way.”

I felt Kieron’s eyes on me even though I wasn’t looking at him. A thrill inched up my spine, not unlike it did when he claimed me. Having him anywhere near me was just – intense. Too intense. Having him looking at me, too… with the bond open, even with his contacts… after he had it closed yesterday…

All I wanted to do was crawl back into bed with my warm, glowing-eyed perpetual.

Tommy watched me for a minute, before he sighed and shook his head. “You’re obviously not going to tell me.”

“Sorry,” I said apologetically. I was sorry I couldn’t give him the answers he needed, but I didn’t have all the answers myself.

“So, what now?”

“Kieron and I are going to go back to Ethereal, I guess.”

I didn’t really want to go, but that voice was insistent. The place it mentioned seemed to be important; it got a reaction out of Kieron, and I hadn’t seen him that phased since Dettere mentioned the Lake to him, when I first learned about it.

How did it even know how to contact me in that way? And how was Kieron protecting me from it before? He would have mentioned it to me if he knew about it; he would have kept the bond open if it would help me, I knew he would. Kieron was surprisingly sweet like that – not that Tommy would believe me, of course, not with the way he was currently glaring at my boyfriend.

And poor Kieron looked so confused.

His irritation was evident, both through the bond and the scowl on his face. His fingers clenched and unclenched at his sides as he released a sharp breath through his nose, obviously holding back.

I quickly grabbed Tommy’s shoulders and steered him away from Kieron and toward the door. “Don’t worry about us, Tommy, we’ll be fine. Thanks for stopping by! I’ll let you know when we get back, but don’t worry, ‘kay?”

My fingers wrapped around the doorknob to open it when Tommy batted my hand away, stepping in front of me, keeping the door closed. I sighed heavily, knowing my brother was stubborn, but I’d hoped just this once, he would the matter drop. Apparently not, though.

“Tell me what’s going on,” he demanded. “Or I’m going to Atlantis with you.”

“Ethereal,” Kieron corrected impatiently from the kitchen. I glanced over my shoulder at him to find him with his arms crossed, scowl dark on his face. “Is it that hard to remember?”

Tommy’s own irritation sprang to life, and soon they were glaring at each other.

“Tommy,” I said, grabbing my brother’s shoulder again, shifting him out of the way of the door. “Please – you go on home, okay? I promise I’ll call before we leave, and I’ll let you know as soon as we get back. This is something Kieron and I have to do, and no, Kieron’s not to blame, so stop glaring at him.”

Tommy regarded my perpetual coldly for a moment. Glancing at Kieron assured me he answered with the barest lifting of his lips, a tiny snarl but there nevertheless. Finally Tommy sighed and dragged a hand across his face, shoulders slumping.

“Fuck. Fine, Terry. You win. But I swear if you come back hurt…”

“I’ll be fine,” I said. “Kieron can heal me, remember?”

“He can’t heal you if you’re dead.”

“Kieron won’t let that happen.”

“You trust too easily.”

Tommy’s words – hurt. Kieron said the same thing to me. Kieron doubting his own control was one thing; Tommy questioning him was another entirely.

My anger brewed. “Fuck you!” I snapped, glaring at him. He took a step back, eyes widening. “If you don’t like Kieron, why are you here? You _know_ he’s going to be here! You _know_ I’m going to be with him! If he bothers you that much, then stay away! But don’t question him all the time!”

“Terry.”

Kieron’s voice was warm, familiar, and very close. I stepped back without realizing what I was doing at first, until my back knocked against his chest. I all but sank into him, the bond thrumming with warmth and _right_ and Tommy needed to leave.

Instead my brother stared at the two of us. “You’re crazy – what have you done to him?”

“I have done nothing,” Kieron said stiffly, obviously fighting back a growl. I could feel him – _feel him_ – losing control. And not just with anger and his temper at Tommy’s absolute dislike for him, but in other ways as well. A thrill inched up my spine, and my pants were becoming too constrictive, and Kieron needed to lose his stupid contacts.

“Please leave,” I said to Tommy, attempting to keep my tone neutral despite my rising desperation for him to just _please go_. I had a newly out of control Kieron to deal with – and I was looking forward to it. We couldn’t do that until he left. Kieron’s control was wavering; he might attack Tommy if he didn’t leave.

 _No,_ I corrected myself. _Kieron won’t hurt him._

Kieron assured me he wouldn’t hurt Tommy. At least, not from lack of control. If Tommy kept snapping at him for everything, well… then Kieron was within his right to punch him in the face. _Punch_ him. Not truly hurt him, or send him to the hospital, or anything like that.

Kieron’s fingers were running up and down along the length of my spine – each touch was bliss, spreading out along the joints and bones and muscles, and I shivered breathlessly, melting further into him. Tommy eyed me strangely, but I didn’t care. I asked him to leave.

“Go,” I said again. “I’ll call you, just – _please_.”

At the sincere _plea_ in my voice, he finally sighed, ran a hand through his disheveled hair, and turned to leave, giving us both a quick glance on his way out.

As soon as the door shut behind him, Kieron’s hands were on me, and it was like before all over again. After the emptiness of yesterday, and the dream or whatever it was, and the re-opening of the bond like this… I was too sensitive. My skin was in overdrive and every touch was-

“ _Fuck me_ ,” I all but moaned as his fingers caught hold of my waist. Even through the _clothes_ , this felt amazing. I reached for him, winding my arms around his neck, twisting fingers in his wonderful, soft hair as I drew his head toward mine. The kiss was rough, with him releasing a low growl until I relented and let him lead, and then his tongue was pushing into my mouth. I eagerly accepted this new addition, stiffening against him when his fingers trekked ever-so-slightly along my ribs, almost ticklish in a way.

So far Kieron managed to _not_ tickle me, for which I was grateful. I could be very ticklish at times, and I didn’t particularly like being tickled. The harder touches were fine, so Kieron rarely tickled me because he was almost more _rough_ than other people. Light touches, though… they tickled.

And fuck him for choosing _now_ to move lightly.

The kiss was deep, and long, and breathtaking, and I was breathless by the time he removed his mouth from my own, and instead brought those hot, moist lips to my neck. To that too-sensitive skin, and-

 _“Oh, fuck_ ,” I gasped, eyes falling shut as pleasure rolled through me, little waves of _yes_. “ _Kieron_ …”

He hadn’t even touched anywhere vital yet, and already my mind was whiting out with bliss. What was _wrong_ with me? He only had the bond closed – not even _closed_ , just not as _open_ – for one day. That was it! One day, and here I was, all but moaning when all he was doing was biting at my neck.

He pulled back abruptly, eyes closed, expression semi-contorted, brows drawn together. He took a few deep breaths through his nose, before he exhaled loudly through his mouth, his posture tense.

“Kieron?” I asked quietly, frowning at him, reaching for him.

He easily sidestepped my grip, even though his eyes were closed. He took a step back, away from me, and finally his eyes open. With those stupid contacts I hated so much. Why – _why_ did I ever give them to him?

“We shouldn’t,” he stated simply, and then turned his back on me, walking away.

I stared as he walked through the kitchen and into the bedroom without even looking back at me. Hurt ripped through me, blossoming in my mind. Why would he initiate this, and then just walk away? Anger and hurt mixed together, and I growled under my breath as I followed after him, stomping through the apartment until I saw him entering the bathroom with a pile of clean clothes.

“Kieron,” I said. “What’s going on?”

He tossed me a quick glance with his stupid hidden eyes. “I’m taking a shower,” he stated, like it was obvious.

“What happened?”

_Why did you pull away so quickly? What’s going on? Why shouldn’t we?_

I stepped toward him. He stepped back, eyes narrowing.

“Don’t,” he said.

I stared at him. “Don’t what?”

“Don’t come near me.”

Hurt. It ignited through me, aching in my chest. “ _Why_?” I managed to breathe, lungs uncooperative at the moment.

Everything was going fine, so _why_ …?

He shrugged and turned to head into the bathroom. I followed and grabbed his shoulder. He rounded on me with a snarl. A fucking _snarl_ , dragging a hand up to shove me away. I staggered back and almost lost my footing as I stared at him in shock, in hurt.

“Why?” I asked again, my voice just a quiet as before. I allowed some of the hurt to leak through. “What did I do?”

His expression softened somewhat. “You didn’t do anything.”

“Then why…?”

_Why are you doing this to me?_

“Please,” I said, taking a tentative step forward, grateful when he didn’t move away, but his eyes watched me carefully. “Why are you doing this? What… What’s wrong?”

He sighed, shoulders drooping somewhat as he bowed his head and closed his eyes, his hold on his clothes loosening. “We have to go back to Ethereal,” he said flatly. “And I’m not in control anymore.”

“What does that have to do with…?”

“The more I’m near you _like that_ , the less in control I feel,” he said simply.

I swallowed thickly. “Oh…”

_Yeah. Oh._

“B-But, you had to be near me before, remember?” I said, even though I _knew_ I was grasping at straws.

“We don’t have time for that.”

“We do! We have time! Staying away isn’t an option, remember? We’re not… We’re not _doing_ that.”

We weren’t going to stay away from each other; we’d already discussed this. Kieron lifted his head, looking at me with those contacts, and I _hated_ it. I hated the contacts. I wanted to see the glow. _My_ glow, that was for _me_ , because it was _mine_.

“One night,” I said softly, staring at him, desperation clogging my throat. I couldn’t let him pull away – I _wouldn’t_ let him pull away. “Just one night. If it’s… If it’s worse tomorrow, or… or when we leave, then.. okay. Then you can stay away.”

I would hate it. Fucking _hate_ it.

But he was right – we needed to go to Ethereal, to whatever and wherever _Miitha Tiaydh_ was. It was important; the voice acted like it couldn’t wait. It had already been a day. He needed to be in control when we met with the Elders again. I _knew_ this.

But letting him push me away like this…

_Please don’t._

“One day,” I said again. “Please.”

He sighed, shaking his head. “Fine,” he murmured, averting his gaze. “One day.”

I released a breath of relief and closed the distance between us.

xXx

Sex with Kieron was supposed to be easy. So easy.

It wasn’t.

All I could think about was the fact that if this didn’t work, he would pull away. He would pull away, keep his distance, attempt to block the bond, wouldn’t touch me or let me touch him… and after everything, after having him so close and open, even after the short time he was back in control… I couldn’t. I couldn’t let that happen.

But well into the night, his eyes were still bright.

Still too bright, and I loved it. Loved it so fucking much, but I also hated it.

Hated it because I knew he would pull away if it didn’t stop.

And no.

_Please, don’t pull away._

We’d come so far – he couldn’t back out on me now. It wasn’t fucking fair! He had to re-open the bond to help me, to _protect_ me. This was _my_ fault. True, I liked him so much better with the bond open and his eyes aglow, but when given these options – between Kieron being in control and him fucking _staying away_ – I would always, _always_ , pick for him to be in control.

At least when he was in control I could still be near him, still touch him.

I’d never been an overly tactile person, but after having it this way for so long…

I couldn’t go back to before.

I couldn’t go back to rare moments of intimacy, stolen moments in the bedroom away from prying eyes. When the bond only opened fully when he let his guard down. When he kissed me only in secret, touched me only in private.

_I can’t. Please._

A warm hand landed on my cheek. Looking into Kieron’s bright eyes should have centered me, made me relax. Instead, I felt desperation claw at my chest even as he frowned, easing his fingers free of my ass. We’d taken a small break to eat dinner and relax for a little bit before coming back to the bedroom. Our night was winding down, the only day Kieron had given me, and it wasn’t working.

“Terry?” he asked quietly.

Hearing my name undid me. I squeezed my eyes tightly closed and sucked in slow breaths, attempting to reign in my out-of-control emotions. Why – _why_ were they so out of control? Why did I feel like this?

“What’s wrong?”

I stayed quiet, attempting to block out the sound of my pulse racing in my ears, but it was so hard. So hard, because Kieron was going to pull away. Pull away and stay away for the duration of – however long. Because who knew how long it would take for him to be in control again? For him to think himself capable of being near me again without losing control?

He had to be in control for the Elders. I _knew_ that.

But this…

“Human?”

I didn’t know what to say to him, or why I was acting this way. I’d been fine all day, until after we ate. After I realized his eyes were still as bright as ever, and my love for it dimmed. Dimmed because it wasn’t fucking _fair_. Why couldn’t we just have this? Why did it matter if his eyes glowed? They were so bright – so _perfect_. Why could no one else see it? It didn’t mean he was a monster like the Etherians thought. It didn’t mean he was really out of control.

He was only out of control around _me_ , no one else.

He wasn’t a threat to anyone.

He was just – Kieron.

And it wasn’t fucking _fair_.

“I’m not a mind reader, Terry,” Kieron said, causing me to open my eyes. “You’re gonna have to tell me what’s wrong.”

“Liar,” I muttered. “You read my thoughts all the time.”

“Not intentionally. Only when you project them. And it’s not really the thoughts I read – only the impressions, and emotions. And right now your emotions aren’t looking good.”

I sat up as he scooted back, allowing me the room to do so, the bottle of lube and sex all but forgotten. He was still half-hard, but that was more to do with his glowing eyes than anything. I myself hadn’t been able to get hard since we’d gone back to the bedroom, too focused on the fact this wasn’t working, and I was going to lose him to his own mind.

We sat there in silence for a long moment. Kieron finally sighed, shook his head, and slid off the bed. As he began pulling on his clothes, a part of me panicked. This was it, my mind said. He was already pulling away. And there was nothing I could do, because he gave me only one day and I failed. I failed to offer him the control he needed. Failed to be good enough to-

His gaze snapped toward me, a snarl emitting from half-turned lips. “If you don’t start thinking of some happy shit, I’m going to knock you out.”

“You won’t,” I said absently, but couldn’t bring myself to look away from him like I wanted to. I couldn’t; I needed to drink in his appearance, his proximity and his perfect glowing eyes, because this was all I’d get for who knew how long.

And it wasn’t fair.

_I can’t do it. Please._

I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.

Not after everything. Having him so close…

“We’ll head back to Ethereal in 2 days,” he says. “That should give me enough time to at least _try_ to regain control.”

After a final look at me, he straightened his shoulders and left the room.

And I watched him go, feeling something tight and hot clench in my chest.

It felt too much like goodbye.

And it _was_ , in a way.

No more close proximity. No more touching me. No more touching him. No more bites on my neck. No more… just _no more_.

We were supposed to have to two weeks, uninterrupted, to be together. Instead we got _this_ , and we had to hurry. He had to hurry to regain his control, and in our haste this was all we could do. This type of control would be temporary – we both knew that, but the more he was away from me, the easier it would be. It was a different kind of control, but it would work for now. For however long it needed to work.

It didn’t matter that this distance would _kill_ me.

And it wasn’t fucking _fair_.

I felt it when he closed the bond. Fucking _closed_ it, like he did when he was dying, and my mind was once bright with his presence, that hum in the background, and now it was gone. It was just _gone_. He was gone from my mind. Distantly there, but so muted, and it was just so quiet. His presence was once to aglow – so bright, so wonderful, so _perfect_. Now…

The absence of such a thing left me gasping, something hot burning my eyes, my breaths stilled in my lungs.

_No, no – please, not that._

Not the bond.

_Don’t close the bond. Don’t shy away._

I tried to cling to the fading echoes of the more open bond.

_Kieron, please – don’t do this!_

They slipped away, sand in a sieve.

_Kieron, no! Not this!_

My thoughts bounced in my own head, a seeming brick wall built around my mind, shielding my mind from his. Him and his stupid fucking shields, reinforced with fucking _steel_. I couldn’t break through. My mind was too empty. So empty. So quiet, so empty, and I couldn’t fucking _breathe_ …

I managed to climb off the bed though it was all a frantic blur as I struggled to breathe, the emptiness threatening to consume me.

_No this, Kieron, please, not this._

I wasn’t aware I’d become so attached and _reliant_ on the bond, but I was. So fucking attached, because this was torture. _Torture_. To have his mind there, his thoughts brushing warmly against my own, and then to suddenly not have it there at all…

Just a very, very distant hum. An echo, really. An echo of his wonderful mind.

I staggered from the room, catching myself on the doorframe before pushing through the kitchen, steadying myself at the kitchen table, holding onto a chair.

Kieron stood in the living room, slipping on his shoes.

He was leaving.

My mind blanked.

_No. No. You’re not allowed to leave._

I lunged toward him with a snarl. His eyes snapped up and narrowed as I flew at him, knocking him backward. Unfortunately, my momentum propelled him over the coffee table and down he went, smacking hard against the ground, with me on top of him. It was a painful landing, but all I could think about was the fact my mind was my own, and it shouldn’t have been.

My fingers grabbed fistfuls of his shirt as I glared down at him. Him and his stupid contacts. “Open the bond,” I snapped.

His eyes narrowed. “Get off me.”

“Open the bond!”

“Don’t make me throw you off.”

“Open it!”

Kieron snarled and shoved a hand at my stomach. It swiftly knocked the breath from my lungs and left me falling sideways as he easily maneuvered out from under me, moving on top of me instead, straddling my waist, keeping me pinned, his hands firm on my shoulders. His too dull eyes scanned my face quickly.

“What the fuck is your problem?” he asked.

“You,” I hissed, glaring at him as I regained my breath. “ _You’re_ my fucking problem! You closed the bond, you asshole!”

Irritation sparked over his face. “I had to, dumbass. Do you want me to get this under control or not?”

“No!” I snapped.

And we both kind of froze.

He knew how I felt about it. I knew he knew how I felt about it.

We just never mentioned it.

Until now, of course.

He stared down at me for a moment, before he shrugged. “Well, too fucking bad, because it needs to happen. Stop being such a fucking baby. We have bigger things to worry about.”

And then he moved away from me, releasing me as he got to his feet. I sat up and stared after him, anger stirring in my belly.

_Stop being a baby, huh? Oh, fuck you. Fuck you so much, Kieron._

“Yeah, walk away,” I muttered, glaring after him as I got to my feet. “That’s all you’re good for anyway.”

He paused from where he stood near the door, his hand twisted around the handle. His spine snapped rigid and he growled under his breath before spinning to face me. “Do you really want to go down this road?”

“Why not? You’re leaving anyway. Like fucking _always_.” I shook my head, tearing my gaze away from him. “You always walk away when it’s something you don’t want to talk about.”

“Now is not the time for-”

“It’s never the time! Just fucking _go_.”

“You’re being immature, human.” His words were a warning, plain and simple, but I didn’t care.

“What do you care? Oh, right, you _never_ fucking care, do you?”

_Stop this, Terry. This isn’t you talking, it’s the hurt. You’re mad and upset because he closed the bond. Stop this._

But I couldn’t. My mouth was on autopilot.

“ _Human_ ,” Kieron snapped, another clear warning. _Desist, now, or you won’t like what happens._

But I already didn’t like what was happening.

“You don’t care because _why would you_ , right? Perpetuals don’t care. _Animals_ don’t care.”

His eyes widened even as they narrowed. It was this odd, twisted look. I couldn’t… I had to end this conversation. Before I said something worse, because that _expression_ …

“Fuck you. I’m done.”

It was quiet for a moment.

My heart raced, thundering in my ears. Slowly my mind started to catch up to my angry, hurt words. I meant nothing I said – how could I? I loved him. How could I say that? I was just so angry right now, and hurt because of the closed bond and the fact he seemed to think this was what needed to happen. And he called me a fucking _baby_ because I wasn’t used to having the bond closed. I couldn’t _help_ but act like this – I didn’t _want_ to. I wanted to stop feeling like this, but I _couldn’t_. Why couldn’t he understand this was hard for me?

_Fix this. Fix this now!_

I drew in a breath, dragging my gaze up to his face again, from where it had dropped to the floor. “Kieron, I-”

Those eyes were so dark. So cold. So _undone_ , as he abruptly shook his head and snapped the door open as my breath caught in my throat.

“No, Terry,” he said, watching me as he stepped through the doorway, into the snowy air, “ _I’m_ done.”

And then the door closed.

And I could only fucking _stare_ at it as my shaky legs gave way and I sat heavily on the ground, chest so tight with dread and despair and something twisted beyond all recognition.

What did I say? What did I fucking say…

I called him an _animal_.

_Oh, God, why did you say that? Why, why, why…_

I was just hurt and angry.

It was no excuse to say anything like that to Kieron, though.

Not when I worked so fucking hard to get him to let me in.

Maybe that was why it hurt, though – it took so long to break down his shields and he had them all solidly back in place. That was what I hated the most about him closing the bond, or blocking himself.

It was no excuse to say what I did, though. No fucking excuse.

_I called him an animal. Fuck, fuck, fuck…_

It was the middle of the night, and it was snowing.

And I knew Kieron wasn’t coming home tonight.

 


	12. Regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terry tries to apologize - Kieron is being distant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was emotionally taxing. Again, Terry's behavior will be explained eventually. Have faith and blah blah blah.

Chapter Twelve: Regret

 

Time passed. Hours. Minutes.

I knew Kieron wouldn’t return tonight, but I stayed in the living room anyway, curled up on the couch with a thick blanket as I stared at the door, the only light that of the kitchen light. Wind howled outside, the snow piling up. The bond was closed; I couldn’t even tell if he was okay. He was alive, that was all I knew.

_Oh, Kieron, I’m so sorry._

I was so sorry for everything I said. I’d take it all back if I could. It just – _hurt_. Hurt so much to know he willingly closed the bond because he thought it was a better alternative to being close to me. I thought closing the bond was going a little far; he hadn’t done that in Ethereal when trying to get control around all of those Etherians, so why now?

It was important for him to regain control quickly – I _knew_ that. But this…

_Please come back._

He’d come back soon, I told myself. It was cold outside, and even he felt the cold. Where could he go, anyway?

_Unless he went back to Ethereal._

No – he wouldn’t leave me here, no matter how angry he was. He would still take me with him. It would be awkward and cold just like when we first met, I knew, but he would still take me with him. And I could apologize.

_I’m so sorry._

I could apologize for everything I said. For calling him a fucking _animal_. Apologize for my terrible behavior yesterday. I took my anger out on him, I realized. The anger I’d been hiding all day, all the worry and hurt at the fact he had to regain control quickly… I took it all out on him, and that was wrong. So wrong of me. He was my bond-mate; he didn’t deserve that. He closed the bond because he _had_ to; he thought it would make him regain control the fastest, and it had to say something that he hadn’t closed the bond when we were in Ethereal, when it would have saved him a lot of trouble. He kept it open and stayed with me, touched me and kissed me in the open, and only now that we were on a time table did he close the bond to stop it.

He could have done it in Ethereal.

He didn’t.

He kept it open even though it would have helped him more if he closed it. He kept it open for _me_.

He closed it for _him_. Kieron wasn’t particularly selfish; I usually came first. That sounded good in theory, but it was all because of his warped sense of self. To him, he didn’t matter, so what he wanted didn’t matter, and I was important because I was _foretold_.

Kieron did this one selfish act and closed the bond.

And what did I do?

_“Yeah, walk away. That’s all you’re good for anyway.”_

I closed my eyes, taking in a slow, shaky breath. I said that. I said that to him. To _Kieron_.

And the way he froze… like he couldn’t believe I said it…

_“Do you really want to go down this road?”_

I didn’t.

I would take it all back if I could. Please.

_Just come back, Kieron. I’m sorry. Please._

Except I _knew_. I knew he wouldn’t come back tonight. Because he knew I would be here, waiting for him. Or maybe he thought he’d come back to find me still angry with him, sleeping in the bed like he didn’t matter.

And that was the worst of it all.

He never thought he mattered. After seeing his memories, I knew this with certainty. Everyone told him he was wrong, different. Of course he thought that about himself as well, after hearing it for so long. He was bitter as hell about it, and I spent all this time trying to dissuade him of that notion. He wasn’t nothing; he was _something_. He was determined and reckless and caring and strong and…

He was _everything_.

And I spent so long – _so fucking long_ – trying to get him to realize that. To make him realize how much I cared.

And what did I do?

I called him an animal. An _animal_ , and then…

_“Fuck you. I’m done.”_

_Oh, God, I’m sorry. Please._

I’d have to spend a lot of time picking up the pieces when he got back; I knew that. But that was okay, because I was the one that did this to him. He could act like my words didn’t matter, but I saw the way he froze. The way he froze, that cold – _so fucking cold_ – look in his eyes before he opened the door…

 _“No, Terry._ I’m _done.”_

What did that mean?

What did that fucking _mean_?

He said he was done.

I meant I was done with the conversation – right? I was just irritated and angry and hurt…

It was no excuse, but it was what happened and I couldn’t change it.

What did he mean?

He used my name. My actual name which he reserved for when he was serious.

Even after calling him an _animal_ and seeing that _look_ on his face… I thought that was the worst of that entire conversation.

The use of my name, at the peak of the argument. And it was such a _stupid_ argument. He could leave if he wanted, and clear his head. I knew he’d always come back, so why did I act like it was so… important? He always went for a run if he could. Granted, he hadn’t because of the cold and the weather, but especially after he was trying to regain control, he went for a run.

He did it in Ethereal, back when we first met. He did it before he claimed me.

And now…

_Please just come home._

xXx

By morning Kieron still wasn’t back. I must have dozed off sometime during the night because when I woke it was to the phone ringing. Jumping out from under the cover, I darted toward the phone even though I knew it wasn’t Kieron. Kieron wouldn’t call. Even so a small part of me _hoped_ …

“Kieron?” I asked when I answered, holding the phone with a white-knuckled grip.

“Is everything okay?” Tommy asked, immediately worried.

I rested my forehead against the fridge from where I stood in front of it, releasing a slow sigh. “Kieron didn’t come home last night. I think he hates me.”

“What happened?”

My throat constricted. I closed my eyes. “We had a fight.”

The words felt so foreign to me.

Kieron and I rarely fought, and when we did, it was mostly a misunderstanding. Him trying to pull away because he thought he had to, for my sake. And this wasn’t the case now.

 _“No, Terry._ I’m _done._ ”

“What happened?” Tommy asked again.

“He… He closed the bond, and I… I…”

“Closed the bond? What does that mean? Why didn’t he do that before?”

Anger.

It rose through me again and suddenly I was growling, my grip on the phone tightening further. The muscles in my hand hurt.

“Why would he! I didn’t fucking want him to! I know you don’t fucking like him but you don’t fucking _know_ him!”

“Terry,” my brother said slowly, and that only made it worse.

 _“No, Terry._ I’m _done.”_

“He said… H-He said he’s done.”

_He said he’s done. I don’t know what that means. Fuck, Kieron, come home._

“Done? What’s that mean?”

“I… I don’t… I said some really terrible things, Tommy. And he hasn’t come home.”

Tommy was quiet for a moment. “Well, where do you think he would go?”

“I don’t fucking _know_. He’s always _here_ , with _me_.”

And wasn’t that the truth?

He was always here with me. _Always_.

So where was he?

“ ** _Animals_** _don’t care.”_

_I’m so sorry, please, just fucking come home, Kieron._

But my thoughts were my own. My mind was my own.

And it was all so _wrong_.

“Tommy, I… I really screwed up.”

And that was a colossal understatement. I screwed up so much. So fucking much. And he didn’t come home. And I couldn’t blame him, because I said…

_“ **Animals** don’t care.”_

I spent so much time getting him to trust me, to let me in.

And in that one moment I shattered it.

Shattered the fragile trust, called him the one thing he hated. The one thing he tried so hard to run from, to change about himself, fought against. The one thing I never should have even been _thinking_. And I _wasn’t_ thinking about it, so where did it come from?

_Why did I say that?_

I didn’t mean it – I would _never_ mean it.

He had to know that, right? He had to know I didn’t mean it.

I was trying to get a rise out of him; I could admit that now. Trying to just get him to care about the closed bond like I did, to see how much it hurt me. So I spat things at him.

And it all backfired so terribly.

“I don’t know what to do,” I said quietly, a lump in my throat nearly blocking the words, but they tumbled out all the same.

_I don’t know what to do._

I didn’t know what to do or say.

“I’m sure he’ll turn up,” Tommy said. “Don’t worry about it; he can take care of himself, right?”

_Yes. But that’s not the point, Tommy._

It was never the point.

He didn’t understand, and he never would.

He didn’t know what it was like to have a bond-mate. He didn’t know what Kieron was really like. He knew so little about our relationship.

Oh, God, were we even still together?

_“No, Terry. **I’m** done.”_

What did that _mean_ …

What was he done with?

The conversation? The topic? _Me_?

_Oh, fuck, he hates me. He hates me. He ended it._

Our relationship. Everything we had. And he…

My legs were shaky. My throat was tight and constricted. My head spun, I was dizzy, and my chest ached. It _hurt_.

“Terry? Terry!”

I realized Tommy had been calling my name for a while.

“I’m o-okay,” I managed to choke.

“Liar,” he hissed. “Stay there – I’m on my way. I can’t believe that asshole left you alone.”

“Fuck you!” I snapped, putting all my hurt and anger in the words. “I’m fine! Kieron…! Kieron will come back, so just… just…”

The front door opened and closed.

I spun toward it, releasing this _sound_ when I caught sight of Kieron. Immediately I dropped the phone and darted toward my perpetual. His head snapped up, his gaze landing on me but not quite _looking_ at me, and he looked like hell.

Eyes too dark, face expressionless and hollow…

“Kieron,” I whispered, stopping a few feet in front of him even though all I wanted to do was hold him and never let go, and apologize over and over. “Kieron, I’m so _sor-_ ”

“Save it,” he said.

He didn’t yell it. He didn’t whisper it.

He merely said it, and his tone was so flat, so blank, so _not Kieron_ that I staggered toward him, reaching for him.

“ _Please_ ,” I breathed, but he easily sidestepped me.

“We can go to Ethereal now.”

“B-But you said two days,” I said weakly, watching him.

Watching the old Kieron – back when we met.

Bitter, angry. _Hateful_.

Except this was worse, because at least back then he had facial expressions. His voice wasn’t flat. Sure, it was filled with anger, but it wasn’t _flat_.

_Oh, God, I fucked up so bad._

“Pack a bag. We’re leaving now.”

“Kieron, no,” I said, reaching for him again. “Please, I’m sorry. _I’m sorry_.”

“I’ll wait outside,” he said in response, turning and opening the door.

_No. No!_

I darted forward and caught his shoulder. If I could just get him to _wait_ , could just _touch him_ and speak to him, then-

But as soon as my fingers connected with his shoulder, he spun with a snarl, eyes flashing. Flashing so much I _knew_ he wasn’t wearing contacts. Those were _his_ eyes, so dark and flat and-

“Oh, God, I’m sorry,” I said quickly, even as he shoved me away. His push was rough and it hurt, bruising against my skin, but I didn’t care. “I’m sorry, I’m _sorry_ , please, just let me explain.”

“Don’t touch me,” he said in that same flat tone. “Don’t come near me. Don’t touch me. Pack a bag. I’m waiting outside.”

Short, clipped sentences.

In that same tone.

With that same blank expression.

Something within me broke.

“Don’t do this,” I choked, stepping toward him again. “Please, _please_ don’t do this. I love you. _I love you_.”

Another flash in his otherwise dull eyes. “I’ll be outside.”

He flung open the door and slammed it behind him before I had time to move forward. I couldn’t move anyway; my legs were frozen. Frozen and shaky and all I could do was stare. Stare as he left, stare as he-

_He doesn’t believe me._

He didn’t believe me.

Every other time I said I loved him, he said he knew. And on some level, I knew he did know.

And now…

“Kieron!” I shouted. “I know you can hear me! Get back in here so we can _talk_ about this!”

We had to talk about this before he left. We couldn’t go to Ethereal, be surrounded by others, while things were like _this_ between us. While things were so _broken_.

I broke his trust.

He didn’t come back inside.

Somehow, I knew he wouldn’t.

Releasing a shaky breath, my body trembling, I managed to finally step out of the living room and into the bedroom to pack.

I didn’t look at what I threw in the duffel bag. It didn’t matter.

But with Kieron’s duffel bag, I made sure to get comfortable clothes, anything he might want. Some books. Anything. Anything to somehow make it up to him.

_I love you. Please._

I drew in a few trembling breaths before I felt even the least bit steady, and joined Kieron outside.

He didn’t look at me. Didn’t react other than to step forward, toward the car, which I now realized had been warming up. Considerate, thoughtful of him.

Which only made this _worse_ , somehow.

“Kieron,” I whispered as he climbed into the driver’s seat and I the passenger seat, staring at him. “Kieron, _please_. Talk to me.”

He pulled out of the parking lot without saying a word or sparing me a glance.

“Kieron-”

“Here’s an idea,” he said in that same dull voice. “Let’s ride in silence.”

He didn’t tell me to shut up, like he would have done when we first met.

He wasn’t being rude.

“ _Please_ ,” I choked, reaching for him. “Please don’t _do_ this, Kie.”

“That is not my name, and don’t touch me.”

All said in that flat tone, even as he shoved at my searching hands.

“I love you,” I all but babbled. “I love you. Please. _I love you_.”

“Shut up.”

Ah, there it was.

But it was so wrong.

It _hurt_.

“I love you! _Say something_!”

“Shut up.”

“Kieron, _please-_ ”

“If you don’t shut up, I will make you. You don’t have to go to Ethereal conscious.”

Once upon a time – _fucking last night_ – I would have said he wouldn’t do such a thing. He would never hurt me.

But now…

I didn’t think he would hurt me, but he might actually follow through with his words.

The rest of the ride was ridden in a tense, terrible silence.

And I hated myself more each passing minute.

xXx

Miitha Tiaydh.

I wasn’t sure what or where it was, but it caused quite a stir when we met up with Ashere and Bekkah. The Elders were nearby, so we wouldn’t have to travel very far. Thankfully Ashere and Bekkah were close to where we came through the gateway, so it had only been a few hours since we left the apartment.

A few hours spent in silence.

Both in my head and aloud.

Ashere kept tossing the two of us quick glances – Kieron’s flat expression and my own torn expression as I kept looking at Kieron, trying so hard to get him to _look_ at me. Look _at_ me and not _through_ me.

_I know I fucked up, but please._

Bekkah took me aside after we stopped in a small clearing – like always – so we could rest for a moment before finishing the trip to the Elders.

“What’s going on?” she asked, frowning at me. “Between you and Kieron?”

“I… I…” I clenched my eyes tightly closed, my voice rough with misuse and that lump in my throat. “I fucked up.”

“What do you mean? How?”

“I… I said… We had a fight.”

_I said some bad things. Things I really wish I could take back, but I can’t, and now Kieron…_

“He hates me,” I whispered, swallowing thickly, eyes still tightly closed.

“Who?”

“Kieron.”

“Terry, he doesn’t hate you.”

“He does. He… He closed the bond.”

That seemed to shock her; I could hear it in her voice. “Why?”

“To… To regain control.”

“Oh. See, it’s not because of you.”

“Y-Yeah, but we… we had a fight after, and… and I said…”

“What? What’d you say?”

“I…” I released a slow breath and opened my eyes, even as I kept my gaze focused on the ground. “I called him an animal.”

“ _Terry_ ,” she hissed.

“I… I know. I _know_ , okay? I was just angry, and… and I’m _sorry_.” My hands clenched into fists at my sides as my stung. I blamed it on the fact I hadn’t blinked since I opened my eyes.

And _not_ because Kieron wouldn’t talk to me, or look at me, or even really _acknowledge_ me.

Not because I fucked up so terribly.

“It’s not me you should be apologizing to,” she told me quietly.

“I _tried_ to apologize to him. I tried. He… He told me to shut up.”

And I closed my eyes again, taking in a shaky breath before speaking again.

“I told him I loved him, and he… he didn’t…” Another trembling breath, but it did little to help because I still felt so damn shaky. “He didn’t _believe_ me.”

Bekkah was quiet for so long I eventually had to open my eyes to make sure she hadn’t run off on me. I found her watching me carefully, this frown on her face, tugging her lips down.

“Oh, Terry,” she finally sighed, shaking her head slowly. “I’m sorry. I’ll talk to him.”

“I… I don’t… I need him to forgive me,” I choked, swallowing heavily. “I _need_ him to. I – I can’t – if he doesn’t…”

If we could never get back to how we were even _last night_ , with his perfect glowing eyes, that almost _tender_ expression on his face as we were together on the bed…

If it was gone, and it wasn’t coming back…

If _he_ wasn’t coming back, at least not in the way that mattered…

“ _Please_ ,” I managed. I wasn’t sure what I was asking.

_Please talk to him._

_Please get him to forgive him._

_Please talk to me, Kieron._

_Please make it stop hurting._

Any and all of the above.

Just _please_.

xXx

Everything felt fuzzy, out of focus.

I couldn’t concentrate. Couldn’t stay still. It felt like I had too much coffee. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, and I hated it.

Kieron was still ignoring me.

I couldn’t blame him.

It took him so long to trust me, and then I went and shattered everything by calling him an _animal_. The one thing he tried to run from, and I said it. I couldn’t stop picturing that _look_ after I said it, either. The widening of his eyes, shocked I would say something like that, and I was just as shocked. Just as shocked that I would do something so _stupid_.

Currently, I was sitting alone in a room. Bekkah, Kieron and Ashere we speaking to the Elders. Kieron was speaking. Talking. But he kept quiet around me.

Ashere walked at his side, while I hung back with Bekkah.

It wasn’t right.

So I sat alone in a room, my knee bobbing up and down as I tried to sit still, but it was so very difficult. There was this energy thrumming through me and I _had_ to move, _had_ to do something, but there was little I could do but wait. Wait and wonder and worry and pray Kieron forgave me and opened the bond.

My mind was too empty.

He was my bond-mate; my mind wasn’t _supposed_ to be empty.

Even if he hated me, he was still my bond-mate. That wouldn’t change. We were still tied together, but I found little comfort in that. What good was being bonded to him if he hated me? If he never wanted to see me or talk to me again? I would feel that hum in the back of my mind – so very muted it was barely there – and wouldn’t be able to see him or talk to him or feel him, and that was torture.

_I miss you, Kieron…_

I missed him so much, and he was only in the next room.

But still so far away, no matter how close he was physically.

And it was all my fault.

“Terry?”

I swallowed and dragged my gaze up from the floor to find Bekkah standing in front of me. Hearing my name bothered me anymore, after hearing Kieron say it when he said he was _done_.

“Yeah?” I asked once I could speak.

She eyed me worriedly. “The Elders said we’ll travel to the entrance to Miitha Tiaydh tomorrow. There’s going to be a meeting tonight, and you need to be there to discuss what you saw in your dream.”

I nodded, sighing as I scrubbed a hand over my face. “What about Kieron?”

That was all I really cared about.

This _Miitha Tiaydh_ could fuck itself. It caused everything.

_No – **you** did this. You did this to yourself._

And I knew it.

She sighed, shaking her head. “I tried to talk to him. He’s only talking to Ashere.”

And that fucking _hurt_.

Something must have shown on my face – or maybe I made a sound – and she sat next to me on the couch.

“Just give him time,” she said quietly. “Being called an ‘animal’ is a great insult to him. Especially from you.”

“I know,” I breathed, closing my eyes, bowing my head forward as my knee continued to bob up and down. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“You need to tell Kieron.”

“I _tried_. He won’t… He won’t _look_ at me…”

“You hurt him, Terry.”

I flinched, even though I knew this was true. She didn’t have to tell me. “I know. I _know_. I’m sorry.”

“Give him time. He’ll cool down. You’re bonded to him; that will never change.”

“He hates me, though.”

“He doesn’t _hate_ you, he’s just hurt right now. Give him time – he’ll come around eventually.”

She rested a hand on my shoulder, and then got to her feet.

“It’ll be okay, Terry.”

And then she walked away.

Give him time. Right.

Somehow, I doubted that would work.

Everything felt so surreal. It wasn’t really _me_ sitting here, so out of balance even though the bond had only been closed for a _day_. Even though I’d only been without Kieron for a day. Even though he’d only hated me for a day.

It wasn’t really me; I was watching a terrible movie. I could change the channel any moment, and curl up on the couch with Kieron, and sleep next to him at night, and-

I dug the heel of my palm into my eyes, dragging in a shaky breath.

I hadn’t even though about tonight.

How would we sleep? Where?

Somehow, I knew Kieron wouldn’t be with me.

Which meant I would be _alone_ tonight. And I wouldn’t get any sleep because how could I? How could I sleep knowing he hated me? Knowing how badly I screwed up?

Where would he sleep?

Would he sleep with Ashere? He was only speaking to Ashere.

None of this was fucking _fair_. But it was all my fault.

I made my bed.

Now I had to lie in it.

xXx

That night was terrible. Torture.

I spent the night alone in a large bed which was meant for two. The Elders assigned this room to me and Kieron, but I had no idea where he was. I saw him and Ashere speaking together, so I could only assume they were sharing. The thought of that left my gut churning, a burning sensation ripping through my skin. I fought it back because even though I was the aggressor and my abilities were tied to Kieron, he wasn’t in danger. Ashere would never hurt him.

He certainly would never call him an _animal_.

Like _I_ did.

I still didn’t know why I did it – why I got so _angry_.

Unable to sleep, after lying awake and tossing and turning for hours, I finally sighed and climbed out of bed. All I wanted to do was find Kieron and curl into his side, hold onto him and apologize over and over until he forgave me. Until he believed me. Instead, I paced the room in the dark, struggling to calm my racing heart. It had no reason to race; I wasn’t in danger, and neither was Kieron. He just wasn’t with me, and the bond was closed.

_I miss you. Please._

I just wanted to go back to before I snapped at him. When he was so perfect in the bedroom – open, raw, with glowing eyes and his thoughts brushing against my own, his presence so bright and warm in my mind. I just wanted to go back to then.

I just wanted to go _home_.

Because it wasn’t home without him there, without him in my mind.

The door handle twisted, rattling slightly. I spun toward the doorway as it opened and closed, a dark figure stepping into the room. I flipped on the bedside lamp and made this odd choking sound as I lunged forward at my blue-haired perpetual.

“ _Kieron-_ ”

He held a hand up, and I stopped a few feet from him, freezing in place.

He looked exhausted. Like he hadn’t slept either – in two nights now. His dark blue eyes scanned over me carefully, assessing, even though his face was still mostly expressionless. Finally, he sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face.

“A few ground rules,” he said stiffly.

“Ground rules?” I echoed, swallowing thickly.

At least he was talking to me again, though.

And looking at me.

Not _through_ me.

“Don’t touch me,” he said, watching me. “Don’t talk to me. Don’t come near me. If you do I won’t be held responsible for my actions, because I warned you. Are we clear?”

“K-Kieron, please,” I whispered, taking a step forward. He growled under his breath, lips pulling back as he did so, and I stopped, watching him. “ _Please_ , okay? Please. I’m _sorry_ , I didn’t _mean_ it-”

“I’m opening the bond,” he said briefly, cutting me off as I stared at him, hope lurching in my chest.

“R-Really?”

If he was opening the bond, he would _be there_ again. He would be in my mind, and I could talk to him there, apologize, and-

“I’m opening it because you’re out of balance and I’ve been ordered to – not because I want to,” he said flatly. “Just so we’re clear.”

I flinched as though physically struck. His words might as well have been a punch to the gut for the way they left me breathless, standing on shaky legs as I stared at him, unable to speak around that lump in my throat.

“Remember the ground rules and we’ll be fine.”

I swallowed, struggling to find my voice. “I love you,” I croaked.

“ _Don’t_ say that to me.”

Actual _emotion_ in his voice – something other than that _flat_ tone, but it was still so wrong because he was angry, angry and-

“I’m sorry I hurt you,” I said. “ _Please_ , I’m sorry. Please. I didn’t mean it.”

“I’ve often found,” he started, tone flat again, “that we are the most honest when we are angry.”

“ _No_ ,” I choked, stepping toward him, ignoring his low growl of warning. “ _No_ – that’s not true. I didn’t mean it, Kieron, _please-_ ”

As soon as I got close enough to touch him, he shoved me away as he backed up a step, snarling, lips pulled back harshly, eyes flashing dangerously. I staggered back a few steps, staring at him, desperation momentarily clogging my throat.

“I love you,” I told him in a rush of breath. “I love you, _I love you_ , please, don’t do this. Don’t do this, Kieron.”

“Stay away from me,” he said. “And we’ll be fine.”

With that he turned to leave. His fingers twisted around the knob.

_No, don’t leave!_

If he walked away-

If I let him walk away-

I lunged forward, all but jumping onto his back as I latched onto him, throwing my arms around his waist, holding him to me. “Don’t go,” I choked, burying my face into his back, the closest I’d been to him in what felt like forever, breathing in his scent. “Please don’t go. I’m sorry. _I’m sorry_. I didn’t mean it, Kieron, I don’t know why I said it – I was just so angry, and… and _hurt_ and _please don’t go-_ ”

He stiffened in my hold, but surprisingly didn’t turn or shove me away. Instead he merely intoned, “Let go.”

“No – No, I won’t let go,” I breathed in a quick rush, my words probably muffled from how I was clutching at him, my face buried between his shoulder blades. “I won’t let go – please, just – I can’t – _please don’t hate me_ – I love you, please, you can’t – I’m so fucking _sorry_ , Kieron, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean it! I was just… I wanted to get a rise from you because… I don’t even know why, okay, I don’t know why I did it but I did and _please forgive me_ because if you don’t-”

“Let go of me.”

“I can’t,” I choked breathlessly. I wasn’t sure if there was even sound behind the words, but I continued speaking nevertheless. “I _can’t_. Please, _please_ , don’t do this. I love you. I know I hurt you and I’m so sorry, Kieron, you have no idea how sorry I am. I’d take it all back if I could, okay, I’ll do whatever you want, just _please don’t leave me_.”

He remained silent, but he wasn’t trying to move away, and he wasn’t shoving me away. I held on tighter, taking in a few shaky breaths, my heart racing in my chest.

“I know I broke your trust in me and I’m _sorry_ – you’re not an animal, you’re _you_ , and… and _I love you_ , so please, _please_ , don’t walk away from me now. Give me another chance. I won’t… I won’t ever do it again. _Say something_.”

We were going to Miitha Tiaydh tomorrow – _in a few hours_ – and I needed him to forgive me. I needed him _with me_ , not like this. Never like this.

I couldn’t have him present in my mind but not have _him_.

It wasn’t fucking _fair_.

“Say something,” I said again, my voice rough, all broken glass without a chance of repair.

It was silent for so long. I crushed him to me, breathing into his shirt and his skin, his scent all around me.

Warmth. Warmth in my mind. Cool water over raw, aching wounds, but also so much warmth, unfreezing that tightness in my chest, letting me breathe again.

I choked out a half-sob, my legs shaking, as the bond opened. It wasn’t open as much as it had been before our argument, but it was there again. Not just a nearly muted hum, an echo of all that he was, but it was open. I could feel him around me, around my thoughts even if it was just a slightly louder hum thrumming through my mind.

“Thank you,” I managed to say. “ _Thank you_.”

“Let go.”

I stiffened. “Please,” I choked, realizing he wasn’t forgiving me, but was just opening the bond because that was what he said he would do. He still intended to walk away, still intended to stay away from me. “ _Please_ , I can’t… I can’t do this without you. Please don’t make me.”

_Please, please don’t make me, Kieron. I’m sorry. I love you, you know I do._

I wasn’t sure if he could hear me. If he was listening. But I attempted to send the thoughts his way nevertheless, because I couldn’t do this. If he walked away… made me stay away…

_Please, please, please._

I’d never said please this much before. I’d never _begged_ this much before. But I would beg as much as it took to get him to forgive me, to get him to _let me back in_.

_I don’t know why I said it, Kieron, **please** … I’m so sorry. Don’t do this._

“Let go.”

“I can’t, I _can’t_ , please, don’t _do this-_ ”

His hands caught my wrists, easily extracting them from his body despite how much I tried to hold on. Tried to hold onto him and everything he was because _no don’t do this me please I’m sorry I love you please don’t do this to_ -

He stepped free of my grip, opening the door.

“ _Kieron_ ,” I croaked, my throat and voice feeling like I’d been gargling broken glass mixed with salt, “please don’t leave me.”

He stopped.

Only for a moment, his shoulders and spine rigid.

And then he continued out of the room, closing the door behind him with a quiet snap.

That snap might as well have been a bullet.

I went to my knees, staring at the door.

I ruined everything.

And Kieron was gone.


	13. Withdrawal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not too sure about this chapter, but... whatever... oh well xD It's here anyway. After taking forever to write, gah.

Chapter Thirteen: Withdrawal

 

“Terry, are you listening?”

I blinked, attempting to focus on Bekkah, but all I could really think about was the half-open bond, Kieron’s presence lingering in my mind even as he stayed away from me, off somewhere with Ashere at the moment while I stayed inside with Bekkah and the Elders. “I’m sorry,” I murmured, looking back at the ground. “What?”

Bekkah sighed heavily. “I’m trying to teach you better technique with a sword – you could at least pay a little attention.”

I shrugged. This was hopeless. Kieron always taught me stuff like this – it seemed so much easier then. Now, attempting to shift into the positions Bekkah asked of me, it was so… difficult. Every move felt awkward, every step wrong, and my mind was too fractured at the moment to focus on much of anything, let alone potential combat.

My thoughts just kept wandering back to Kieron, and his utter lack of proximity. It was early morning, and I got little sleep. Actually, I got _no_ sleep. After Kieron left, I just sat there on the floor, and eventually moved to lean up against a wall and pulled my knees to my chest, resting my chin on the knees as I wrapped my arms around them to keep them in place. I stayed that way for the remainder of the night; two hours ago Bekkah came to get me to practice a little before breakfast. We would be leaving shortly after breakfast to head toward Miitha Tiaydh _,_ even though I still had no idea what that was.

Our conversation last night mostly consisted of me telling them about my dream, and that was it. They offered no answers or explanations. After that it was time for bed, and Kieron slinked off with Ashere.

And then our conversation in the bedroom last night…

The way he walked out of the room, closing the door behind him even as I begged him to stay…

“Terry, focus,” Bekkah all but snapped, shoving the hilt of the sword back into my slack grasp. My fingers curled around it automatically. It was heavy and wrong. “I know you’re upset, but you need to focus right now.”

“He hates me,” I breathed, swallowing thickly.

“He doesn’t hate you – just give him some time.”

“He opened the bond.”

“Yes, I know.”

My gaze snapped up toward her. “How do you know?”

“The Elders told him to,” she said simply.

And I knew that – I _knew_ he said he was ordered to open the bond, but it still hurt to hear it. To hear her say it so bluntly. “Why?”

“You were off balance, Terry,” she said, watching me carefully. “Everyone could see it. You’re still on edge.”

“Because he _hates_ me,” I muttered. Obviously I was going to be on edge after that, but I had to admit her words had some merit. I’d been so off kilter yesterday, and I’d reacted so strongly to his closing of the bond, which was why I got angry in the first place… “What’s wrong with me? He closed the bond before, and I didn’t… feel like _this_.”

“It’s because he claimed you.”

“O-Oh?”

This was the first I was hearing about this, but then would have told me, anyway? Certainly not Kieron. I hadn’t even seen him yet today. I was terrified of facing him, but also eager to see him. I _had_ to see him. Try to talk to him again, _convince_ him…

“The bond is complicated,” she said. “More so with animalistic perpetuals.” Her eyes narrowed slightly. “With animals.”

I flinched, taking a step back. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

She shrugged. “Anyway, _animals_ have their own form of a bond, so to speak, and that’s the claiming. It’s more complicated, more primal. So now you can’t really… _function_ without it.”

“Function?” I echoed, but after remembering yesterday and how jittery I felt, how dizzy and off center I felt, I couldn’t help but agree with her words.

“It makes the bond jump into overdrive, so to speak. Your minds need to be connected, just as much as your bodies do. So you’re a little off center without him, and you were worse yesterday.”

“A little,” I scoffed.

_I’m falling apart here._

“Think of the bond and your proximity as a drug in your system,” she said. “Without it, you go through withdrawal. You’re addicted.”

And I was.

I was thoroughly and wholly addicted to Kieron and his presence in my mind. Without it… without _him_ …

“How do I fix this?” I asked quietly, around that terrible lump in my throat.

“The symptoms will wear off in-”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “How do I fix things with Kieron?”

I didn’t _want_ the symptoms to wear off. I didn’t _want_ to get used to being without him, I just wanted him back. Was that so wrong? I knew I messed up, but this was killing me. This was torture, and I couldn’t handle it. I needed him to let me in again. I needed him to… I just needed him.

Her description of addiction was very apt at this point. I was going crazy without him near me, with only the teasing presence inside my mind, hinting at what I had only a few days ago. Hinting at what I _wanted_ but it was still so far out of my reach.

“I can’t answer that,” Bekkah said regretfully. “That’s between you and Kieron.”

“He won’t talk to me,” I croaked. “He won’t… I… I begged him to stay last night. He came to the room, and… I begged him. _Begged_. And he just… walked away.”

Walked away like I was nothing.

It was everything I deserved but nothing I wanted.

“He’ll come around.”

She kept saying that. That he’d come around, to just give him time. But somehow I knew it wasn’t that simple. This wasn’t something he was just going to suddenly bounce back from; we needed to talk about this. Wholly and truly talk about this because it wasn’t just going to suddenly go away, no matter how much I wished we could just go back to how things were.

I missed him.

Missed him so fucking much it _hurt_.

“Please,” I said quietly, watching her. “Please just tell me what to do. Tell me how to… to…”

_Tell me how to get him back. Please._

She watched me for a long moment, before she sighed, her shoulders drooping. “Give him time,” she said, and then cut me off before I could protest. “Give him some time to think about things, because I know you begged him. He’ll think about it, I promise. Give him time to do that, and in the meantime, pull yourself together.”

“Pull myself together?” I echoed, frowning at her.

“Get yourself under control. It will do you both some good.”

She said it like it was so simple.

Just get used to being without Kieron and you’ll be fine.

It wasn’t that simple at all.

I didn’t want to get used to being without him. I shouldn’t even _be_ without him _now_ , but I screwed up and this was my punishment. I knew I messed up, but this seemed harsh. So very harsh, because I didn’t know what to do with myself when I wasn’t with him.

_Who am I without him?_

No one.

Just a pathetic human.

_I don’t want to be who I was before him._

_I don’t want to be without him._

This wasn’t fair. I messed up but this punishment was torture.

“Hear me, Terry?”

I swallowed and closed my eyes. “I don’t know if I can do that, Bekkah,” I said truthfully.

I didn’t think I was capable of pulling myself together and getting used to not having Kieron with me. I truly didn’t think that was possible. I was entirely too attached to him. Entirely too _in love_ with him.

Even if he didn’t believe me anymore.

_Why don’t you believe me, Kieron? You know I love you – you have to know that._

My thoughts, as always, stayed in my own mind. I felt his presence in my mind, but heard nothing. He never said anything through our mind link or anything. It was silent save for my own thoughts and he just wasn’t there anymore. Not like he used to be.

Not like I wanted him to be.

And he might not ever be like that again…

I dropped the sword and scrubbed a hand over my face. “Sorry, Bekkah, I can’t do this right now.”

I easily avoided her eyes as I went back to the bedroom.

xXx

I tried to do as Bekkah asked.

I tried to give Kieron space.

It was just so hard. He walked ahead of us with Ashere and the two were talking quietly. It was the most lighthearted I’d seen Kieron be since our fight… and it was with Ashere. _Ashere_. And not me, his _bond-mate_. That burning sensation inched through my body again but I attempted to reel it back in because this was all my fault. I was getting no less than I deserved, and if it hurt, so be it.

There was little that could prepare me for this particular train of thought, though.

_What if I just sent Kieron back into Ashere’s arms?_

I nearly tripped over my feet. We were traveling, though I wasn’t sure exactly where we were going. Miitha Tiaydh was a secret, apparently. The Elders led the way, with Ashere and Kieron behind them, and me and Bekkah taking up the rear. There were three Elders with us – Dettere and two others I didn’t know, though I recognized them vaguely from when we learned Kieron was the subgressor.

The subgressor was supposed to want to appease the aggressor.

So why was Kieron ignoring me? Avoiding me?

I scrubbed a hand over my face. I couldn’t blame this on anyone but myself because it was all my fault.

We walked in relative silence. I kept watching Kieron but if he felt my eyes on him he gave no indication.

_Kieron, please, I’m sorry. I don’t know how else to apologize. Please. Just talk to me. I love you. Please – talk to me. Don’t… Don’t do this. Can you hear me? Kieron, please… I need… I want… Please._

_Please don’t ignore me._

_Please don’t hate me._

_Please just… **talk to me**._

I saw it then.

He hesitated.

Briefly – _so briefly_ – he tilted his head back and glanced in my direction.

Our eyes met, for the briefest of moments.

My heart stopped – I was sure it did, because I couldn’t breathe.

For a moment it was just the two of us, looking at each other, him ahead, me behind. For a moment everything was okay, because I could feel him in my mind, and he was _looking at me_.

For a moment…

Then it all shattered, like always, and he turned back to face ahead of him, and Ashere animatedly chattered in his ear.

The moment shattered, and so did my heart.

xXx

Miitha Tiaydh, it turned out, was something – somewhere – very special.

I stared at Dettere. “Excuse me – _what_?”

He watched me calmly. I felt more at ease than I had in a while, despite what he just said to me. I knew it had something to do with the fact Kieron was right next to me, so close I could touch him. So close I could sense him like a vibrant hummingbird in my mind. So close I could-

“ _Miitha Tiaydh_ ,” Dettere said with an odd inflection on the name, “is a separate area. Ethereal is not the only separate ‘world’, as you would say.”

I struggled to wrap my head around what he was saying.

With my thoughts already fractured by the distance between Kieron and me, even though we were standing next to each other, it was incredibly hard to concentrate on much of anything.

“Just as Ethereal split from your world, human,” Dettere explained calmly, patiently, “Miitha Tiaydh split from Ethereal. For many years we thought it dormant. We thought it disappeared. There is an entrance. A single, solitary entrance. That is where we are.”

I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact there was another world besides Ethereal and my world, but I did manage to look around. We were in the middle of the woods, but near a cave of sorts. The large mountain began here. The cave was nearly hidden by the greenery around it, looking merely like a rock formation more than an actual entrance to anywhere.

Very inconspicuous.

I couldn’t quite find it in myself to care, though.

I felt numb; dead to the world.

I should be very surprised by this new fact – all I felt was mildly confused, and even that feeling didn’t last for very long.

Instead I looked over at Kieron.

He was talking to Ashere, who stood on his other side. His tone was low and quiet; I couldn’t hear him, with my inferior human hearing and everything.

Anger. Burning. Igniting.

In that moment I hated Ashere.

Hated him so much.

A part of me hated Kieron, too.

Kieron’s head turned around abruptly, gaze snapping toward my face, his eyes narrowed. Everything was hot and burning and I was so _angry_ -

_Why Ashere-_

_Why do you hate me-_

_I’m sorry-_

_Please don’t-_

_Why Ashere-_

_Why **Ashere** -_

Someone was shouting at me. Distantly, over the roaring in my mind, I heard it. I knew I needed to stop – I was losing control.

But all I could see, all I could focus on, in that moment was Ashere’s hands as they wrapped around Kieron’s arm and carefully pulled him away from me. All I could see was Kieron easily stepping into him. All I could see was Kieron leaving me with little to no hesitation.

 _Leaving me_.

The burning continued.

Ashere released Kieron and grabbed at his head, releasing a choked, strangled sound.

Everything whited out around me as I gave into the burning.

xXx

I came back to myself slowly.

The heat dissipated, ice trailing over the raw burns.

Everything _hurt_.

My mind was rushing, racing, spinning. My thoughts echoed and lingered and dispersed at random intervals, leaving me little time to adapt.

It _hurt_.

My eyes opened slowly. There was darkness above and around me. A weight on my chest. My vision adapted and I realized I wasn’t completely in darkness, but the light was dim in the corner of the room. A room. I was in a room, on a bed.

My last thoughts consisted of trees, a cave opening of sorts.

_It hurts…_

Everything _hurt_.

My eyes fell closed. Thinking hurt.

Where was I?

What was going on?

Unconsciously my mind sought out the bond. The one constant thing in the chaos that had become my life. Kieron.

And then I remembered.

I remembered the fight, the closed bond, the forced re-opening of the bond… I remembered begged, pleading with Kieron to stay, to forgive me, to give me another chance… I remembered the way he left anyway, like he didn’t hear a word I said. I remembered…

All of it.

Tears burned my closed eyes.

Tears of despair, frustration, and anger.

_Why won’t he just talk to me…_

I messed up, and I knew that, but this was unfair.

_Please, God, make it stop…_

There was a weight on my chest.

I sucked in a slow breath. The weight shifted and then finally moved away.

My eyes opened and I looked down the length of my body to see Kieron moving away from me, retracting his hand, which had been present on my chest. He’d been _touching_ me. He was so _close_ to me.

“Kieron,” I gasped, immediately sitting up, and then regretting it.

I groaned and collapsed back down, my head spinning, thoughts racing, mind fractured.

Kieron watched me, sitting on the edge of the bed. Just out of reach of my uncooperative fingers. The frustration became stronger as I clawed at the sheets, forcing myself into a sitting position, dizziness and pain be damned.

“Kieron,” I whispered, watching him.

He was so _close_.

He watched me calmly. His eyes were dark, but not as flat.

I could have sobbed as I scooted closer, reaching for him.

He stiffened, but allowed me to touch him. Allowed my fingers to curl around his arm as I moved closer to him.

“Kieron, I’m so sorry,” I said quietly, swallowing thickly. “Please. Please say something.”

“How do you feel?” he intoned.

His voice was still dull and flat, but his eyes weren’t nearly as flat as they had been. I tried to find comfort in that, and in the fact he’d been willingly touching me, and that he wasn’t moving away right now.

“I… My head hurts. What happened?”

“You tried to kill Ashere,” he said flatly, watching me with that same blank expression.

“W-What?” I gasped, staring at him, even as I struggled to remember what happened.

“He is not a threat.”

“I… I know, I just… I… I’m sorry. I don’t know why I…”

And truly, I didn’t. I struggled to remember what happened, but it was all surprisingly blurry.

“How… How is he?”

Kieron released a slow breath through his nose. “He is recovering but won’t regain consciousness for at least a day.”

“O-Oh. I’m sorry. I… I didn’t mean to…”

“Yes you did,” he said bluntly. “You wanted him to suffer.”

“I’m sorry! I don’t… I can’t remember…”

_Why can’t I remember? Why would I hurt Ashere?_

We had an understanding.

We weren’t friends, but we weren’t enemies.

Except…

Kieron might have been going back to him…

Ashere wouldn’t argue with this. He’d take him back immediately, I was sure.

The rage built back up.

Kieron growled under his breath, and I swallowed, attempting to push the rage away. “He’ll be fine. But you need to get yourself under control.”

“H-How?”

I would if I could. I didn’t _like_ feeling like this.

“Why are you behaving like this?”

“Like what?”

“Like you don’t know what to do with yourself.”

“Because I _don’t_ know what to do with myself,” I admitted hoarsely, watching him, tightening my grip on him as I scooted a little closer. He tensed further but again didn’t move away. “Please – I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. For… For what I said to you, and what I did to Ashere. I didn’t mean. I’m sorry.”

“Get yourself under control. Work on your anger and your emotions.”

With that he got to his feet. I held tight to him and followed after him, standing on shaky, wobbly legs, nearly collapsing back down from the rush of dizziness.

“Why… Why do I feel like this?” I asked. “I feel… I can’t… I can’t think. I just…”

“Your mind is adjusting.”

“A-Adjusting?”

Why did I not like the sound of that?

“To being on its own.”

“On its…? The bond’s open,” I said, mentally checking anyway. Yes, the bond was still there, still open. He was still in my head. I clung to what little seeped through from his mind into my own. What very, very little.

It was better than nothing.

“The mating bond.”

“M-Mating bond? There’s… _another_ bond?”

Kieron nodded once. “Yes. After I claimed you, it formed. It is adjusting to being alone.”

“A-Alone?”

“It is a different type of bond. More… intricate, more intimate. It is adjusting to the less-open bond, as you would call it, and to the fact we are no longer together.”

The words froze me.

Undid me.

I lunged at him, wrapping my arms around him before he could protest, burying my face into his chest. The beat of his heart filled my ears as the tears finally fell from my eyes.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please, please, please, forgive me. Don’t… Don’t _break up_ with me, please, I can’t-”

And then I couldn’t breathe.

He was breaking up with me.

He _already_ broke up with me.

In his mind we weren’t together anymore.

All was shared was a bond, and as he once told me, that didn’t mean it had to involve a relationship.

_But I want it._

So, so desperately. I wanted it so _much_ …

Just wanted it _back_ …

“I love you,” I croaked, voice muffled from burying my face into his chest. “Please, Kieron, don’t hate me. Don’t hate me.”

“I don’t hate you,” he said finally.

He was stiff in my hold, but he wasn’t pulling away.

But the way he spoke…

“Please forgive me,” I said shakily, my arms squeezing tighter around him.

“I forgive you.”

The words were everything I wanted, and yet…

“Please don’t leave me.”

He forgave me, and he didn’t hate me.

But he was still breaking up with me.

Had _already_ broken up with me.

And now the bond was attempting to get used to this fact, the fact we were not going to have the bond open so fully, and we would not be within such close physical proximity…

_No, no, no, please. Please, I’m sorry. Please don’t do this._

“I love you – please believe me,” I whispered around the widening lump in my throat.

“Let go.”

I held tighter to him, shaking my head, burying my face further into him. “Please, please, please – you’re in my mind, you know how sincere I am, Kieron, _please_ – I love you – don’t do this – _I love you_ – don’t leave me, please, _don’t leave me-_ ”

“Stop it.”

“ _Please-_ ”

“Control yourself.”

“I can’t, I _can’t_ , please, Kieron, don’t-”

“Let go.”

I shook my head but words failed me. Failed me so much I couldn’t breathe around the lump in my throat, the way he was _rejecting me_.

There was a flare of – _something_ – through the bond. Something. Something powerful and angry and hungry and-

I snarled.

“Mine.”

“What?”

“ _Mine_ ,” I snarled again, something raw and primal nudging into my consciousness. Something I couldn’t control. “You are _mine_.”

The aggressive part of me understood this.

Mine. Kieron was mine.

Primal instinct, primal need.

 _Mine_.

Kieron was my subgressor.

 _Mine_.

He wanted to appease me and do as I asked.

_You will be mine._

Kieron shoved me away, harshly, releasing his own snarl. Those dark eyes flashed as I looked up at him, but it was like it wasn’t me anymore.

It was like I was standing outside of my body, watching the display. Watching the two of us stare each other down.

I couldn’t look away, nor could I move.

I could only watch as I took a step toward him. Toward my perpetual. _Mine_.

Could only watch as Kieron snarled and took a step back, keeping the same amount of distance between us.

_Stop this! Stop it!_

I wasn’t sure who I was shouting at. Myself. Kieron.

I didn’t know.

Just please stop.

It took a lot of effort – _a lot_ – for me to regain control of myself. For me to shove that _something_ out of my mind and refocus on Kieron, no longer a prisoner trapped outside of my body. Instead I sagged to my knees and released this little choked gasp I was too ashamed to call a sob.

“Kieron, please,” I whispered, head bowed. “ _Please_ , I don’t like feeling like this. I don’t _want_ to feel like this. Please, don’t leave me. I need you.”

“You don’t.” His voice was rough, no longer flat.

“I do – I always have. I tied you to my _limbo_ for fuck’s sake, Kieron, I love you!” I looked up at him, daring him to argue. He just looked back down at me with those dark eyes. “You know I’m not lying. _I love you_. I love you. That’s not going to change, Kieron, and you know I’m sorry. _I’m sorry_. Please. Let me fix this. Let me make it right.”

He looked down at me for a long moment, simply watching, before he sighed and shook his head.

“I need to check on Ashere,” he mumbled as he turned to walk around the bed, toward the door to the room.

“ _Please_ ,” I choked, watching him go, unable to regain my footing. “Please, don’t leave me again. Not again. I can’t… I can’t watch you leave again, okay? I can’t do it. I fucked up and I know that and I’m _sorry_ , Kieron, but this… this isn’t _fair_. Don’t… Don’t do this. Not again.”

If he left again…

Left again after I begged him again…

After he said he didn’t hate me… after he said he forgave me…

I scrambled to my feet when he stopped in front of the door, his hands clenching and unclenching at his sides.

“Kieron?” I whispered, not daring to hope…

His shoulders sagged.

“What do you want from me?” he asked.

His voice was so _broken_ … so _not him_ …

I gasped and staggered forward, toward him.

“Kieron?” I asked around that lump in my throat. “I don’t want anything from you. I just… I just want you with me. Okay? I… I know you’re mad at me and you have every right to be, but please… I don’t – I can’t – I want… I don’t want to do this without you. Please don’t make me.”

“Human…”

It was the first time he’d addressed me since _it_ happened. Since our fight. Since…

_“No, Terry. **I’m** done.”_

I stepped forward again. Touched the back of his shoulder. “Look at me, please?”

It took a moment, but he finally turned and faced me.

Faced me with his beautiful glowing eyes. So bright and perfect.

Another strangled sound emerged from my lips. “Kie, your eyes…”

“I know. It’s difficult to… When I’m near you…”

He blinked, and the glow was gone. Back to his dark eyes.

“I love you,” I told him softly, hands on his shoulders. “I love you so much, okay? You know I do. You can _feel_ it. You know my thoughts, you know my mind. Can we please just… start over? Pretend… it never happened? Please?”

_Please give me another chance, Kieron._

I would never call him that again. I would never again call him an ‘animal’.

I would never fight with him again, just _please stay with me_.

Kieron looked at me for a long moment.

Then stepped away from me.

My mind blanked.

“No – Kieron, please – _please_ , not again-”

“Later,” he said quietly, stepping backward toward the door, his hand reaching out for the handle. “We’ll talk later.”

“L-Later?” I asked, running my tongue across cracked lips. “We will?”

He wasn’t just running out on me again? He was willing to talk?

To really _forgive_ me?

To stay with me?

“I need to stay in control for now. After Miitha Tiaydh… then we’ll see.”

“We’ll see,” I echoed, swallowing.

His eyes averted and he turned around, his back to me as he faced the door. “It’s the best I can do.”

“I understand,” I said shakily. “I understand, Kie, and I’m sorry. I just… Okay. Okay, later. We’ll talk then. I love you.”

He shook his head. His voice was – _lighter_ , when he spoke again. “And please refrain from attempting to assassinate my best friend. I kind of don’t hate him.”

I laughed – this strange, mangled sound that pushed past my throat and lips, and it still felt so incredibly _good_ to laugh again. To know there was _hope_. That I _hadn’t_ completely ruined everything.

“I’ll do my best,” I promised. “… Night, Kie.”

He opened the door, held it open for a moment, then sighed.

“Night, human.”

Then he left the room.

This time when the door closed, it wasn’t a bullet.

I sank down in the warmth of the bed, and for the first in what felt like years, felt myself drift off to an easy, comfortable sleep.

 


	14. Miitha Tiaydh

Chapter Fourteen: Miitha Tiaydh

 

Ashere was conscious, two days later. He should have woken yesterday; everyone was a little on edge when he didn’t, and I knew they blamed me, as well they should. I hurt him, and I still wasn’t sure why. Ashere wasn’t a threat; Kieron wouldn’t just go back to him, right? We shared a bond; he didn’t like cheating on someone, hence why he split from Ashere in the first place, after Ashere bonded with Blaine. So Kieron wouldn’t get back with him… at least I hoped he wouldn’t. I hoped we were okay.

He said we would talk after we went to Miitha Tiaydh. I hoped that meant everything was okay and he truly forgave me and would give me a second chance. The more I thought about it, the less certain I was. What if he only meant he forgave me but wouldn’t trust me ever again? Wouldn’t let me in ever again?

_Please, let me in._

These ‘withdrawal’ symptoms were getting worse. I felt so sick to my stomach all the time, like I ate something foul and my stomach was trying to purge itself. My head ached, my eyes burned, my body… felt strange. Disconnected. Like it wasn’t really me standing here, in the living room of the cabin we were in – apparently the caretaker’s secret place near the entrance to Miitha Tiaydh – waiting for news on Ashere.

He woke roughly thirty minutes ago. Kieron was with him, as was Bekkah. Kieron and Ashere were still in the other room while the rest of us waited in the living room. What Ashere wanted to say was only for Kieron’s ears and it took everything I had no to barge in there anyway. I’d caused enough trouble for now; I needed to focus on getting myself under control. Kieron wouldn’t want me to be on edge when we had our discussion when this was over.

Because we were going to talk, and I had to get through this with my sanity intact.

The door to Ashere’s room opened and Kieron stepped out. He caught Dettere’s eye and nodded once, and then the Elders turned to face me.

“Ashere will remain behind,” Dettere said.

“O-Okay,” I said slowly, frowning. “He’s okay, right?”

He was okay, because he was conscious, and he was a perpetual and they were always okay unless gold was involved. Kieron didn’t seem _angry_ at the moment, so I assumed Ashere was fine. Otherwise he’d probably be glaring at me for hurting his best friend.

“Ashere will be fine,” Dettere said, nodding. “However, his head is still… unfortunate.”

“Unfortunate? What… What’s that mean? What did I do to him?”

“You tried to kill him,” Bekkah said. “Blow up his mind. It’s taking a while to heal it. The heads are the most vulnerable.”

I nodded slowly. That made sense. Kieron once died immediately – to heal – when a blood clot got to his brain, after he fixed his broken leg. He said their heads were their main weak points because it was what controlled everything in the body, so they always died immediately. They were also very protective of their heads because of this. And now I’d gone and tried to destroy Ashere’s mind…

“But he’ll be fine, right?” I asked, feeling even more uneasy now. My stomach was nothing but a field of knots all twisting and turning. The dizziness continued.

“He will recover but it will take another day or two, and we don’t have that kind of time,” Bekkah said. She looked at Dettere. “I will remain here with Ashere until he fully recovered. Would you like us to join you once he is?”

“That shouldn’t be necessary,” Dettere said, shaking his head, brown eyes focused on me. “Guard this entrance until we rejoin you.”

“You’re staying here?” I asked, looking at Bekkah.

She nodded.

That meant I would be alone with Kieron.

I was giddy and nervous about this fact. Not _alone_ , really, with him because the Elders would be there, but it would just be me and him without Bekkah and Ashere… without Ashere there to try and take him away from me…

I wanted to hug Kieron as much as I wanted to flee. I didn’t know what to say to him, or if he would even talk to me, or if being that close to him would be bad for both of us… He was trying to stay in control, after all, and he couldn’t when he was near me. If the Elders saw this…

I wasn’t sure what would happen.

I doubted they would be pleased, and they’d already hurt him enough.

Dettere nodded toward the door. “It is time.”

I sucked in a slow breath. It was time to finally go to Miitha Tiaydh, which was apparently another world. Ethereal – Atlantis – broke off of the human world (did they have a name for my world?) and Miitha Tiaydh broke off of Ethereal. This was still hard to wrap my head around, but at least I would finally get answers. I could finally see what that voice in my dream wanted, and then after this was over, Kieron and I could talk.

“I’m ready.”

xXx

_It’s beautiful._

Miitha Tiaydh was _beautiful_.

It was like a paradise all around me, with birds chirping, the sky so bright with this red amber color with the setting sun in the distance, and the trees were covered with multi-colored leaves as though it were Autumn. The place thrummed with this unique energy, aglow with _life_ , and I couldn’t keep the smile from my face as we walked through the trees, alongside a peaceful river.

It was like a place out of fairy tales.

The perfect place.

Even Kieron seemed more relaxed here. There was just something about the atmosphere that was peaceful and calming. It felt like all that built up worry and apprehension I felt was gone now, and I could breathe again, the knots in my stomach lessening.

He looked good in this light.

The dying sun left a sort of halo outlining his blue hair. Or maybe it was just because I missed him so much.

I took in a slow breath and forced myself to look away from him.

 _Just a little longer,_ I told myself. _I can do this. I can stay calm a little longer._

And then when we were done here, Kieron and I could talk about this, and I could fix this. I could fix this distance between us. I could show him again how much I care about him, remind him how much I love him so he had no choice but to believe me.

The Elders were walking ahead of us, and Kieron was a few paces ahead of me, with me bringing up the rear. I wanted to walk next to him, but didn’t want to anger him further. He wanted space so he could stay in control; I would give him that. It was hard, but I had to give him this for now. We could talk later.

We _would_ talk later.

I wasn’t sure how long we had been walking when the Elders suddenly stopped. Kieron stopped behind them and I came to a halt behind him.

“That’s not right,” Dettere muttered to himself.

“What’s not?” I asked worriedly.

“The energy… is strange. This… Something is different.”

I had no idea what he meant, but I took his word for it.

Something bad was going to happen, I just knew it. I moved a little closer to Kieron.

“What exactly was it this ‘voice’ said again, human?” Dettere asked without turning to look at me.

“Um… just that it would wait for me here and it was important to talk to it. I don’t know much else, I’m sorry,” I told him, frowning as I struggled to remember that dream more clearly, but it was too difficult. It had been a while since then; everything was fuzzy, overshadowed by my fight with Kieron.

Everything was overshadowed by that, really.

“Keep a sharp eye,” another Elder said, and they started walking again.

I moved to walk next to Kieron, no longer trusting the peaceful area. If it bothered him he gave no indication and didn’t even glance at me.

We walked a little further. The river was peaceful and quiet save for the occasional wave knocking into a jagged rock in the water. It was so peaceful here; how could anything go wrong Why would we need to keep a sharp eye?

Looks could be deceiving, though.

There was a rumbling.

The ground shook.

I staggered to the side, knocking into Kieron. We both hit the ground at an awkward angle, me on top of him, his arm awkwardly around my waist to catch me before I could tumble off of him and over the edge, into the water. He steadied me, allowing me to sit up, and the ground continued to shake.

Cracks appeared suddenly in the ground around us, between the Elders and us. The ground split, cutting us off from them. Kieron’s hands were tight on my sides, holding me steady even as I struggled to get closer to him, the water splashing dangerously over the edge of the river.

What was once peaceful was now angry.

So very angry.

The sky was red and angry. The water was rising and splashing, the ground was cracking and breaking, and all I could hear was the rumbling. It drowned out everything else.

“Kieron-”

The ground around us cracked and split. Splintered and gave way.

And then we were falling.

The pain was brief and igniting, white-hot agony rippling through me, a scream catching wetly in my chest.

Then blissful darkness.

xXx

I woke with a gasp.

Air rushed into my starved lungs. My eyes opened and Kieron leaned away from me, frowning at me with those narrowed _bright_ eyes of his. “K-Kieron,” I hissed through clenched teeth, attempting to curl in on myself because everything _hurt_ , but I was at an odd angle.

My legs.

I couldn’t feel my legs.

It was dark in this cavern area we were in, wherever we were. The only light was that of somewhere up above us but with the sun fading rapidly, everything was dark save for Kieron’s eyes, and they didn’t offer much light. I felt down my legs. They were still there, but were buried under a mound of rocks. There was also water splashing coldly against my probing fingers, spilling in from somewhere far above.

“Take it easy,” Kieron said quietly, kneeling next to me. “Your legs are crushed. Water’s spilling into the hole.”

I took in a slow, steadying breath. “What happened?”

“I don’t know – cave-in, I guess, I don’t know. Sinkhole. We’re not down more than two-hundred feet. I can climb out and get the Elders, probably, and work on unburying you.”

“Okay,” I said slowly. “Do that.”

“There’s a problem.”

“W-What’s that?” I asked, not liking that tight tone of his voice.

“You’ll be underwater in less than ten minutes.”

“W-What?” I gasped, the implications sinking in as I stared at him, my heart racing pathetically in my chest. “I’m gonna _drown_? Get me out of here!”

He placed a hand on my shoulder, keeping me still as I struggled and tried to squirm free from under the rocks. “Calm down – you’re only making things worse for yourself, dammit.”

“Get me out of here!” I hissed.

“I’m working on it,” he said calmly. Always so calm. “I have to start unburying you from the top or it’s all going to fall down and crush you. Do you understand?”

“Y-Yes,” I said but all I could really think about was the rising water. It was over my hips now, the splashing getting louder, and it was _cold_. Cold and dark and wet and _oh god I’m gonna drown_ …

“I’m going to climb out of here. I’ll be as fast as I can. It should take five minutes.”

“Okay,” I breathed. “Just… Just get me out of here, please, Kieron.”

_I don’t wanna die._

I especially didn’t want to _drown_. I heard it was one of the worst ways to go. I didn’t want to drown.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can,” he told me, already leveraging himself up on the rocks, gaze focused skyward. More water sloshed into the hole. “Stay calm and don’t try to move – as soon as I get you out from under those rocks, you’re going to try to bleed out on me. The weight’s the only thing staunching the flow.”

_Ah, fuck._

Things were worse than I thought.

“Just… don’t let me drown, okay?” I said shakily, watching him ascend.

“I won’t,” he promised.

I watched him climb. Listened to the water rise. Felt it slipping up my sides. How long had it been since I lost sight of Kieron? How long had it been since he left me here while he went looking for the Elders?

The water was at my shoulders now. I pushed my hands flat against the ground beneath me and tried to leverage myself up a little more, but all it did was cause pain to shoot through me and leave me breathless and slouching back down. Water droplets splashed onto my face as the water continued to slip in from somewhere up above.

“Kieron?” I called. “Are you there? It’s getting kind of high, Kieron – hello?”

_Kieron, please, where are you?_

I took in a few slow, deep breaths.

“Kieron!”

He wasn’t answering. The water was rising. It was at my neck now.

“Kieron, please!”

Rocks shifted somewhere up above. Movement. He was working on the rocks and was probably too focused to answer, or maybe he couldn’t even hear me. Maybe the sound of the water and the rocks was louder than my voice. Maybe I thought I was shouting but I was only whispering. Everything ached and it was cold and wet and-

The water touched my chin. I shoved against the bottom again, tilting my head up as much as it could go, nose in the air. “Kieron, please, don’t let me drown!”

_Kieron, please, please, don’t let me drown!_

My eyes stung. Rocks continued moving somewhere up above – slowly but surely I was being set free. Movement up above caught my eye and there was Kieron, looking down at me with his perfect glowing eyes, and I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because he was so _close_ , I could now see the top of the rocks and he was getting there, and the water closed over my face. I strained my neck up a tiny bit more, with all of my strength, and managed to get my nose back out of the water. I breathed harshly out of my nose, straining pathetically to get higher as the tears broke free of my eyes, my heart racing in terror.

_Don’t let me drown, Kieron, please, I don’t wanna die! Please don’t let me drown!_

**_I won’t._ **

His voice in my head, so suddenly, left the tears falling faster as I squeezed my eyes tightly closed, attempting to control my breathing. More rocks were moved.

The water slipped over my nose.

My eyes opened. Kieron was so close. But not close enough.

_Kieron! Please!_

The water slipped over my face again, obscuring the view of his perfect eyes as they widened. It was dark, and cold, and blurry and I couldn’t breathe because I was trapped underwater. I’d never been able to hold my breath for very long and drowning was a terrible way to die. I would choke and cough and try to breathe and only inhale water which leave me coughing and choking all over again…

My lungs burned. I swallowed around the air trapped in my throat, trying to conserve it for as long as possible, but even so, bubbles slipped out of my nose and from between my lips slowly, rising to the surface. The surface I could see but couldn’t reach.

I closed my eyes. The bubbles were taunting me.

_Kieron, please, I can’t breathe! Kieron! Don’t let me die like this, please!_

I sounded pathetic, I knew, but I didn’t want to die and I especially didn’t want to dye by _drowning_. Anything but this.

Something splashed in the water next to me.

Lips pressed against my own. My eyes opened and there was Kieron, watching me, his mouth against mine, his tongue prying my lips open. As soon as I opened my mouth for him, air entered and slid down my throat into my aching, burning lungs. Kieron kicked against the bottom and went back toward the surface, moving some more rocks before he returned, his mouth against my own again as he breathed for me.

He was literally breathing for me.

This couldn’t last forever, and my lungs were forever burning and I longed to gasp fresh air, but all I had were his breaths.

He breathed for me, went back to the surface, dislodged some rocks, and then returned to me just when I thought my lungs were going to explode. It was hard to time his breaths because sometimes he returned quickly, other times he lingered around the surface dealing with a heavier rock, but I could breathe. I wasn’t drowning. I was okay.

_I’m okay. It’s okay. Kieron will get me out of this._

He always did, after all.

**_Almost done._ **

_Oh, God, Kieron – please, get me out of here – please-_

**_Shh, panicking will only hurt you. I’m not going to let you drown._ **

I swallowed as his mouth met my own again. I greedily accepted the offered air and Kieron returned to the surface.

**_Do you trust me?_ **

_What? Yes, of course I do._

I would always trust him. My trust in him would never falter, no matter how much we argued.

**_I’m almost done with the rocks but you’re at an odd angle. I’m going to have to hurt you to get you out. I need you to not inhale when I do this or you’re going to get nothing but a lungful of water, and it will only make you panic and then I can’t help you. Do you hear me?_ **

_Yes, Kieron, please, just get me out of-_

His mouth met mine, giving me more air.

**_I know. Calm down. I won’t let you drown._ **

He breathed for me again, quickly returned to the surface, and then he was in front of me, giving me more air. He did this a few times, and soon my breathing was more under control, except for the fact that every time he went to get air for himself to give to me, he had to swim further up because the water was rising. Even so, my lungs weren’t aching _as_ much, but they were still burning and I was still trapped underwater. Him breathing for me was only a temporary solution; it would stop working when my lungs got tired of recycled air.

Time was of the essence.

**_Here it is, Terry – big breath._ **

I sucked in his offered air and clenched my lips closed when he pulled away. His arms grabbed at my sides and lifted as they always twisted. The rocks on top of my legs shifted slightly. This would most likely be very painful in my legs if I could feel them, but I couldn’t. However, as the rocks moved and the weight lifted, red began to pour into the water. Kieron’s hands were vices on my sides. Ribs cracked as he lifted, and pain shot through me.

I swallowed down my strangled scream, remembering his words. But my lungs were already aching and burning and-

Kieron pulled me free of the rocks and rushed me toward the surface. We broke the surface and I sucked in a lungful of fresh air, coughing violently as I did so, and he held me there, allowing me to not worry about trying to float. My legs were useless anyway.

The water was red.

“Grab this,” Kieron said, moving my hands toward a rocky ledge. The water wasn’t high enough for us to swim out of here yet, and it was still climbing. Kieron climbed out earlier but he couldn’t with me, at least not with me bleeding out and my legs crushed to nothing.

I grabbed the ledge. He reached down and grabbed my legs, pulling them up toward the surface so I was now floating on my back, my hands half holding me up.

I was happy I couldn’t see the injuries in this darkness.

I was happy I didn’t feel anything.

Hmm...

“K-K-Kieron,” I breathed, teeth chattering as cold seeped into my body. “N-Numb.”

“I know you are,” he said, running his hands up and down the length of my legs. “You nicked the femoral artery. You’ll bleed out in minutes if I don’t fix this now. Just focus on breathing, I’ll take care of the rest.”

It was the most he’d spoken to me in so long. And he was warm and bright in my mind, and his eyes were so bright…

My eyes closed.

“Hey – none of that,” Kieron snapped. “I need you awake so you can hold onto that ledge. I can’t fix your leg and keep us both afloat at the same time.”

“O-O-Okay…”

I pried heavy eyelids open. White spots danced on the edge of my vision, my gaze otherwise full of darkness. It was dark and wet and-

My eyes closed again. It was too hard to open them. I forced myself to keep a tight grip on the ledge, but my fingers were numb and nearly uncooperative. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could hold onto this. Was I even still clinging to it or was I just thinking I was? Everything was numb; I couldn’t really tell if I was actually grasping anything or not.

“Human-”

Whatever he was going to say, I didn’t hear it.

Consciousness slipped away as water closed over my face.

xXx

_ You have come. _

There was darkness all around me. Nothing but endless black. It was windy, nearly knocking me off my feet as I staggered forward, toward the sound of that voice. It was cold and dark and wet. It reminded me of terror though I wasn’t sure why.

_ We do not have much time.  _

“W-Who are you?” I whispered, voice rough from… _something_. Something happened but I couldn’t remember what exactly. “What’s going on?”

Then I realized my mind was empty. Again.

“Oh. Kieron’s okay, right?”

_ Your beloved is well. He is tending to your injuries. _

“My…?” It rushed back to me now, the rocks on me, the water, Kieron breathing for me… “I almost drowned. Am I dead?”

_ You must listen. We do not have much time. _

I took in a slow breath. “O-Okay, I’m listening.”

_ We are the Creators. _

“Creators?” I echoed, frowning, squinting through the darkness but it was only a dark voice. I could see absolutely nothing, not even a part of my body.

_ We are echoes of those who gave life to Ethereal. We also created the perpetuals. _

“W-What?” I gasped, looking around. I wished I could find something to focus on. All this darkness was getting to me. “What do you mean, _created_ the perpetuals?”

I knew perpetuals didn’t come about naturally; they were created for war. So obviously someone created them. And then Kieron’s type of perpetual, the animalistic ones, were created by other perpetuals as a sort of sub-group, again created for war. I knew it all had to start somewhere, but this voice? This… _echo_?

“Why am I here?” I asked when the voice remained silent. The details didn’t really matter right now; I just wanted to know why it was so important to come here.

_ The poison runs deep through Miitha Tiaydh. It has become corrupted, unstable. Exrie’s corruption knows no bounds. Here he has created the destruction of perpetuals. _

“You mean… You mean he’s _here_? Right now?” I asked, stomach roiling. “He created the golden weapons here, too?”

All I could think about right now was the fact I was in this dream and Kieron was alone right now. Alone, with Exrie in Miitha Tiaydh.

_ Go to the Sacred Caverns. There you will find answers. Take what is yours. We will wait there.  _

“What? But-”

_ You must wake now. They approach. _

“They? Who’s _they_? Hey? Hello! What do you _mean_ they app-”

The darkness swirled around me.

My eyes rolled into the back of my head.

xXx

“ _Terry_ – wake up – human-”

Kieron’s voice was muffled, muted in the thick haze of unconsciousness still lingering in my mind. Slowly it began to disperse and I pried open heavy eyelids. It was dark, but Kieron’s eyes were bright and he was right in front of me, leaning over me. He scowled as I blinked at him.

“I told you to stay awake,” he snapped instantly, leaning away from me.

“S-S-Sorry,” I said, shivering. “It’s c-cold…”

“I know. As soon as we get somewhere we can rest safely, we’ll worry about that. Right now – your legs aren’t perfect, but you’re not bleeding out anymore. Your bones are mended and the bleeding is stopped. It’s going to be tender for a while but we need to move.” He got to his feet and held a hand out to me.

I swallowed and grasped it. He hauled me to my feet and I staggered under my own weight, my legs heavy and uncooperative. He kept a hand firm on my shoulder as he pushed me a little ahead of him as he walked right behind me, there to catch me should I need it.

He was so sweet sometimes.

“What h-hap-happened?” I asked, teeth clicking together from the chill. The air was breezy and cold, and I was still very, very soaked. Nothing was dry.

“I don’t know,” Kieron answered slowly.

“Where are the… the o-others?”

“I don’t know,” he repeated. “I couldn’t find them and I didn’t have time to look.”

I knew he meant when I was drowning. He could have gone for help but instead he stayed and unburied me himself.

I released a slow breath. “Thank you, Kieron,” I said quietly.

He was quiet for a moment, but we were still moving and his hand was still on my shoulder, so I knew he was still there. Finally, he said, “Yeah, well, don’t go telling people I’m helpful.”

My lips twitched in the faintest of smiles, my body to achy and numb to do much else. Each step was like ‘one giant leap for mankind’. It hurt.

We walked for a little longer before we came across a small cave entrance. It wasn’t very big, and we’d have to duck to get inside, but at least it was somewhere out of the wind and everything. We ducked inside. The roof was low; we had to stay crouched. This would have been fine if my legs were okay, but they weren’t, so as soon as I tried to move while crouched, I collapsed.

Kieron caught me before I could face plant and then turned me so I could sit on the ground, before he sat next to me, his gaze focused on the cave’s entrance.

“The v-voice said E-E-Exrie’s h-here,” I said, shivering.

Kieron grunted. “Of course he is.”

Fingers suddenly snagged at my shirt.

“Lose the clothes.”

My eyes widened. “W- _What_?”

He couldn’t be serious.

Irritation flashed in his bright eyes. “Your clothes are soaked; do you want to get sick?”

“N-No,” I said.

“Then lose the clothes.”

I shakily took off my shirt. It was a bit of an effort; my limbs were unwilling to cooperate right now. Then I managed to shimmy out of my pants. Kieron tossed the soaked clothes off to the side. All I wore now was my underwear. In the fall and the chaos we lost our duffel bags.

I was suddenly pulled flush against a warm, slightly damp body. Kieron had lost his clothes too. He tucked my head under his chin and then lay down, keeping my back against his chest, one arm around my waist. His warmth was marvelous, but all I could really think about was the fact that this was the closest I’d been to him in so long…

I knew he was doing this because I needed to warm up, and this was the only way we could do it for now, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t wish it was something more.

“I l-love you,” I breathed.

“Sleep, human. Your body needs the rest.”

I shivered and closed my eyes, trying to memorize every breath he took, all the warmth he offered me, how it felt to have him close to me again…

Teeth bit at my neck. Pleasure exploded through me as I gasped, my eyes opening immediately.

“K-Kieron,” I stammered shakily.

“Sorry,” he said slowly. “Proximity makes it… difficult.”

“N-No, I’m not c-complaining,” I told him. “G-Go a-ahead.”

“Now isn’t the time. Sleep.”

“B-But-”

He bit my neck again. The pleasure silenced me immediately. “Sleep, dammit.”

“L-Love you,” I murmured, eyes closing again, mind still aglow with pleasure.

Sleep claimed me almost instantly.

 


	15. Miitha Tiaydh Part 2

Chapter Fifteen: Miitha Tiaydh Part 2

 

I woke the next morning feeling much better than I did before. My legs were completely healed now, and I was warm. Kieron’s arms were around me, holding me to his chest as he breathed faintly against the back of my neck, still asleep. Dozing, probably; he could doze like a cat, sleep and still be aware of any changes. I tried to stay as still and quiet as I could so I didn’t disturb him and ruin the moment. It had been a long time since we were this close, and after last night…

After almost _drowning_ …

A shudder ran down my spine.

_I’m okay. Calm down. It’s okay._

I didn’t drown. Kieron saved me like he always did. I was fine, he was okay… The Elders were missing but I was sure they were fine, too. When I regained consciousness last night, Kieron had us well away from the river so I couldn’t even look around to see if there were other holes they could have fallen through. I would have to wait to ask Kieron or assume they were fine.

The voice in my dream said Exrie was here, in Miitha Tiaydh. I had to get to the Sacred Caverns. I had no idea where that was, or what it even was, but hopefully Kieron would know. I hadn’t asked him last night, too shaken and cold and tired to do much of anything other than sleep.

_I almost died._

I almost drowned.

I kept coming back to that. After what Rufus did with me in my bathroom, nearly drowning me for his amusement while I was terrified, I had been scared of drowning ever since. Before that, I never gave it much thought. But now… When I was stuck in that hole, with the water rising… it was like I was back in that bathroom with Rufus, except it was worse because it wasn’t someone forcing me under and letting me up this time. No, it was worse because those rocks had me pinning and I literally couldn’t save myself. I had to wait for Kieron to clear the rocks enough for him to pull me free.

And he breathed for me the whole time. And then healed me.

I was only alive because of him.

Lips pressed lightly against the back of my neck as Kieron drew in a deep breath, slowly waking. His arms tightened around me as he did so. I remembered waking in bed; he always had this slow return to consciousness as long as he wasn’t startled awake by something ‘changing’ and alarming him while he ‘dozed’.

“Human?”

I swallowed. “Morning, Kie.”

He grunted. “How do you feel?”

“I’m fine. Thank you.” I paused. “Were you, um… Were you hurt at all?”

“Broke some ribs,” he said. “Nothing major, just sore. Fixed them after you were stable.”

I smiled faintly. “Thank you.”

_Thank you for saving me._

_Thank you for being here._

_Just thank you._

Kieron’s arms released me and he sat up. I rolled over onto my back and looked at him and his disheveled hair, bright eyes, and shirtless body. Nearly naked body, actually. I remembered we took our clothes off last night to stay warm.

Kieron picked up our clothes and tossed me my pair. They were mostly dry but still a little damp in some places. I quickly dressed, as did he, and then he ducked out of the tiny cave. I followed after him, my legs’ sore muscles aching in protest.

“Kieron, the… I had a dream after, um… Well, when you were fixing my leg.”

“You said Exrie was here.”

“Yes, the… voice, or whatever it is, it told me he was here and that we need to get to the Sacred Caverns. Do you know where that is?”

He frowned. “I have no idea,” he said, shaking his head. “I thought this place was only a rumor. I don’t know where anything is in it.”

“Oh,” I said, sighing. “Okay. We’ll… just look around, then. Do the Elders know?”

“Probably. But I don’t know where they are.”

“Can’t you track them?”

He shook his head. “Their scent was buried by the river. I have no idea where they are, but they’re alive. I didn’t feel anyone die.”

I nodded slowly. That was something, at least. “Should we wait for them?”

He went quiet for a moment, before he sighed and shook his head. “We should keep moving. It’s not… There’s something _off_ about this place. We need to keep moving.”

I nodded. I felt the same way, really. Miitha Tiaydh was beautiful but deadly. The Elders said something was off right before the ground started shaking and gave way beneath us. Plus, Exrie was here, which meant there were probably screamers here too. I lost all of my stuff when we fell; I had no weapons. So it would all be up to Kieron, and I didn’t like those odds, especially with Exrie around.

“Let’s keep going.”

Kieron nodded and started walking. I followed at his side. Now that we were so close, and had stayed the night together in close proximity, I had to admit I felt more stable than I had in a days. My mind wasn’t so out of sorts, I wasn’t dizzy, and I could actually focus.

Did Kieron have withdrawal symptoms too? Or was he just that good at hiding them since he’d trained to hide that kind of stuff all his life?

“Kieron, did… I mean…” I released a slow breath, running a hand through my tangled, disheveled hair. “Did you… Are you mad at me?”

“Of course not.”

“Oh, that… that’s good. I mean, um… I’m… I’m sorry, okay? Can we just… Can we just please go back to normal?”

Kieron stopped and faced me, bright eyes looking me over carefully. I froze under his scrutiny, struggling to remain calm but all I wanted was for us to be okay again.

“I’m tired of being angry,” he said finally, meeting my eyes. I frowned at him as he chewed on his lower lip. “I’m tired of… feeling like this.”

“Kieron?”

“I overreacted,” he said quietly, watching me.

“Overreacted?” I echoed, frowning at him, my pulse quickening.

“Yes. Words shouldn’t bother me. I’ve heard them all my life, and I’ve heard far worse than that. But when you said…” Now he looked frustrated. Frustrated that this even bothered him. His hands came up, tugging at his hair as he turned his back on me, shoulders rigid. “When you called me an _animal_ …”

“Kieron, I’m sor-”

“Just listen,” he snapped, back still toward me. “If I’m going to say this, I’m only saying it once, so just listen.”

I nodded even though he couldn’t see me.

He released a slow breath, hands dropping from his hair to hang limply at his sides. “You were the only that never cared about that. Even when you should have. Even when I told you to stay away…” He shrugged helplessly. “You didn’t care. And I guess I just believed you. I got used to you not caring about what I was. I _liked_ it. And then you just… So I was caught off guard. Being with you like that, for so long… I just – I guess I forgot I was an animal.”

_Oh, Kieron, you’re not an animal. I’m so sorry._

He sounded so despondent. I just wanted to hug him and never let go. Instead I remained silent, just watching him, because I knew this was hard for him. I tried to send reassuring waves through the bond but I still had no real idea how that worked – he was always going to be better at it than me, after all – but I tried nevertheless.

I broke his trust in me. I was the one person who didn’t care that he was animalistic, the one person that stood up for him, and what did I do? I betrayed that trust. That trust I worked so hard to earn. And now he wasn’t sure how to deal with it, because he wasn’t used to trusting people to begin with.

“And you were addicted,” he continued, back still facing me. “I didn’t know claiming you would have such consequences. I should have known. If I knew about this I wouldn’t have done it. You need to be able to function without me around all the time. I’m going to have to close the bond occasionally. I’m going to have stay away from you occasionally. We’re at war; we can’t afford distractions. I’m… Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for letting you get addicted. I’m sorry for not realizing.”

“Oh, Kieron,” I breathed, taking a step forward, raising an arm to rest my hand on his shoulder. He stiffened beneath my touch but didn’t pull away or tell me to stop, so I squeezed his shoulder. “It’s okay, Kie. Maybe we’re both at fault. I’m sorry. I forgive you for whatever you think you did wrong. But I’m glad you claimed me, okay? I’m happy. I like our bond, Kieron. Just… Just give me a warning when you close it next time, okay? I think some part of me just… snapped, when you… when you just closed it out of the blue…”

He nodded slowly, his back still facing me, his head bowed somewhat. I knew even telling me all of this was hard for him. Admitting he was wrong, or felt like he did something wrong, was hard for him. Apologizing was hard for him. I truly appreciated the effort, but mostly I was just happy he was talking to me, and letting me get this close. It was the longest we’d been together without him pushing me away, or walking away from me. The most I’d talked to him in so long.

“I miss you,” I told him quietly, and swallowed thickly when his shoulders relaxed, even if it was only slightly. “I’m sorry for everything. It was wrong of me to call you an animal. I’m really sorry, Kieron. You know I don’t care what you are. I’m sorry for making you doubt that. I just… I was shocked, and hurt, and angry. I said stupid things. I’m human – it’s what we do when we’re mad. I’m really sorry, but I didn’t mean any of it. Can you forgive me?”

“I already forgave you,” he said before sighing slightly, dragging a hand over his face. “I’m tired of being angry.”

“Can we… Can we please go back to how we were?” I asked, almost afraid to give voice to this particular question for fear he would shove me away and state that there was no possible way he could trust me again.

He said he wanted to wait to talk until after Miitha Tiaydh because he wasn’t always in control around me, and he needed to be for this mission. But the Elders were nowhere in sight, and his eyes were still glowing and had been since he saved me from drowning. So I figured that ship had sailed already. He could lose control all he wanted because it was just the two of us.

“Kieron? Look at me, please?”

He sighed and turned to face me, his eyes still so bright even as they slowly slid up toward my face. I knew the brightness bothered him. Being out of control bothered him. But it never once bothered me, and I’d rather have him out of control than have him ignoring me, even if he didn’t like being out of control.

“Are we… good?”

He breathed out slowly. “Yeah,” he sighed, “I guess we’re good.”

I grinned, throwing my arms around his neck, crushing him toward me, that tight knot in my stomach finally – _finally_ – loosening. “Thank you,” I said quietly, mouth pressed into the crook of his neck as I closed my eyes, letting his scent and warmth wash over me for the first time in what felt like forever.

He breathed in deeply, slowly. “Smell good,” he said almost absently.

I smiled because it meant he wasn’t as composed as he thought he was and I loved it when he was out of control with me, but now wasn’t really the time. So I reluctantly pulled away from him – even though all I wanted to do was latch on and never let go or step away – and nodded in the direction we’d been traveling.

“We should, um… keep going.”

He nodded, turning in that direction where he then started walking.

I followed after him, feeling more light and at ease than I had in what felt like forever.

We were okay.

Everything was okay between us.

I could finally breathe again.

xXx

Miitha Tiaydh had crazy weather.

One minute it was sunny but breezy. It felt great. The next minute it was pouring down, and chilly. I could see my breath in front of me as Kieron and I huddled against a large tree trunk, finding what little shelter we could.

“I don’t think I like this place,” I muttered, leaning against the bark, closing my eyes. Kieron leaned next to me.

“It’s not usually like this,” he said. “At least, I don’t think so. I’ve never been here before, but I’ve heard rumors. It’s supposed to… _pleasant_. Peaceful. Something’s wrong.”

The Elders said something similar, of course. The energy was off. Something was obviously wrong here, and Exrie was here. Those had to be connected. So far, we’d been traveling for hours to nowhere in particular. For all we knew we were heading in the wrong direction, but we had no way of knowing. At least we hadn’t been attacked yet. If Exrie knew we were here, he hadn’t made a move yet. I wasn’t sure what to think about that.

I hoped he didn’t know we were here. But if he _did_ know… then he was biding his time, which meant he had something planned.

Something I knew I wouldn’t like. Something bad.

“Why do you think Exrie’s here?” I asked quietly.

Kieron was quiet for a long moment. The only sound was that of the rain pelting the leaves above us. “I don’t know,” he finally sighed. “There’s got to be a reason, but I don’t know why. Maybe the Elders would know.”

“Where do you think they are?”

“I have no idea.”

“Isn’t it kind of… I don’t know… strange? For them to just vanish?”

I felt him shrug next to me. “Anything could have happened after we fell, human. I don’t trust them very much, personally, but they wouldn’t betray us, if that’s what you’re worried about. They’re too… rule-bound to do that.”

I nodded, the back of my head scratching faintly against the bark. He had a point. They wouldn’t betray us. Well, maybe they’d betray Kieron, but they wouldn’t betray me. Somehow that wasn’t very comforting. Where were they? I hated everything about this situation.

We were on our own in a strange world with random earthquakes, crazy weather, and a mad man on the loose. We had to find the Sacred Caverns but we had no idea where to start looking. We were alone, with Exrie somewhere, planning something, probably with his screamers.

I wasn’t sure how long we stayed there, under the tree, but finally the raining stopped and we stepped out from under it. The sky was dark and gray, but at least there was a lull in the storm. We set a brisk pace and continued in the direction we’d been heading.

We walked for a long time.

By the time Kieron found a nice area to rest in, the sky was even darker, but no rain had fallen since before. Hopefully that meant the storm was over, and only the dark clouds lingered. Late evening had set in, and the air was chilly, and my clothes were a little damp. I hated this place. I hated Miitha Tiaydh. It was cold, and wet, and I hated it so much right now. Nothing had gone right since we’d been here.

Surprisingly, I found myself wishing Ashere and Bekkah were here. _Ashere_. I couldn’t believe I was wishing for such a thing, but if they were here I wondered if things would have gone differently. We wouldn’t be alone in crazy Miitha Tiaydh, with Exrie probably hunting us down at this very moment. If he knew we were here. I hoped he didn’t, but somehow, I knew he did know of our presence.

“We’ll stay here tonight,” Kieron said, sitting on the ground.

“Is that safe?” I asked, looking around.

I’d been nervous for hours. Every little sound I heard, I wondered if it was Exrie or the Screamers. Every snap of a twig could have been them finally at our heels.

“Safe enough,” he said. “You sleep, I’ll keep watch.”

“We can keep moving,” I told him. “I’m not tired.”

Bright eyes narrowed at me. “That’s a lie and you know it.”

“Kieron-”

“Why are you so twitchy? What’s wrong?”

“I… I don’t know,” I murmured, looking away, shifting on my feel uneasily. “I just… I don’t feel right. I feel like something’s going to happen.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know.”

_And that’s what worries me._

“Can we just… please keep moving? I’m not tired, we don’t have to stop on my account.”

I just felt so uneasy right now. I didn’t want to stop and give Exrie a chance to catch up, or catch us unaware.

It didn’t feel _safe_.

Kieron was quiet for a moment, before he sighed and got to his feet, brushing dirt off his clothes as I looked at him. “Alright,” he said. “We’ll keep going.”

I nodded and followed him as he started walking again.

And then the ground started shaking.

I staggered, catching myself before I could crash to my knees. Cracks appeared in the ground between me and Kieron. Kieron spun toward me as the ground began to separate, pulling him further away from me. The sky darkened, angry and _red_ as the last of the sun faded from view, and I took a running leap across the growing chasm to land next to Kieron. Whatever happened, we would be together.

“What’s happening?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” he said, looking around for anywhere we could go.

The ground beneath our feet started to crack. I grabbed his arm. “K-Kieron-”

“I know,” he hissed, yanking me toward him as he quickly jumped back as that portion of the ground gave way. I staggered into his side as the ground shook and crumbled and cracked.

The wind picked up, howling around us. It was so windy I could barely see anything, but I squinted through the breeze and then stared, horrified.

“Kieron, is that…? Is that a _tornado_?!”

“Yes,” he confirmed over the howling winds as the swirling tower of air grew closer to us, tugging _trees_ with it. Fucking _trees_.

_Fuck this crazy place!_

Dirt, bark, twigs and everything flew past us as the wind picked up and the ground continued to shake. Broken branches scratched across my skin as they slammed into us. Kieron twisted, taking the brunt of the impact but even so blood welled in a fresh scratch along my arm.

The ground rumbled and shook but the sound of it was overpowered by the roaring of the tornado getting closer as the seconds ticked by almost in slow motion.

And then the ground split between us and gave way.

We plummeted into darkness as the tornado howled overhead, slipping easily over the gap in the earth as it rushed past us.

Pain exploded through me as we hit the bottom of _wherever_ we were, deep inside the ground.

And then the rocky walls started to crumble. I couldn’t breathe; something was heavy and tight and painful and I couldn’t see anything as the rocks closed in overhead, toppling down on us.

And then there was darkness.

xXx

“Terry – wake – human – wake up-”

Consciousness returned slowly. My head throbbed, my mind hazy as it spun around me. I swallowed thickly, groaning as I pried heavy eyelids open. Above me hovered Kieron’s bright eyes, narrowed as they were.

“Good,” he breathed tightly, teeth clenched. “I’m gonna… sleep in a sec. Stay awake.”

“W-What?” I croaked, wincing at the roughness of my voice. It was then I realized where we were, and what my last memory was of.

I remembered the ground shaking, giving way beneath us, and rocks coming down on top of us. We were currently not anywhere like that, though. We were on safe, solid ground, under a large, sturdy tree, and while it was dark, Kieron’s eyes were – closing. And he was slumping.

My pulse stuttered. “Kieron?” I pushed reluctant hands under me and sat up slowly, watching as he collapsed next to me, his eyes shut, blood covering half his face from a wound on his head. “Kieron!”

“Gonna… heal,” he murmured through semi-reluctant lips. “Don’t… sleep, human.”

“I won’t,” I promised quietly, swallowing as I managed to lift a hand and run my fingers through his bloody, dirty strands. His expression went lax and I knew he wasn’t conscious anymore.

I was prepared for that; it was how he healed.

What I wasn’t prepared for was the way he suddenly _stopped breathing_ on me.

“K-Kieron?”

I pressed my fingers against the pulse point on his neck and felt nothing. I took slow, deep breaths, telling myself not worry. It was how they healed if things were bad. They had to essentially die to heal. He was okay; he hadn’t been attacked by a golden weapon. He would wake up later and be fine.

That didn’t mean I liked seeing him like this. That didn’t mean I liked seeing him hurt.

I hated it.

I took in a breath and looked down at myself, dragging my free hand across vital parts of my body. Everything seemed in order, the skin smooth and intact. Whatever injuries I sustained were healed. Kieron healed me before collapsing himself, and he also got us out of those rocks and everything, and back onto solid ground.

My head still throbbed, though. Maybe that was why he didn’t want me to sleep. Could he fix concussions? Did I have a concussion? Either way, he told me not to sleep while he was healing, and I wouldn’t. I would stay awake and keep an eye on him, and make sure nothing else happened to us.

This place was crazy enough as it was. I couldn’t wait until we got to the Sacred Caverns, where we could get answers, and then finally leave this terrible place.

For now, though, we were stuck here until we found what we came for, and we were on our own.

I just hoped we figured things out sooner rather than later.

Somehow, though, I was doubtful.

xXx

Kieron came back to life with a gasp, his eyes flying open as he coughed, grimacing. I pushed away from the tree I was leaning against and hovered over him. His eyes weren’t glowing at the moment. I wasn’t sure if I should be thankful or not. I knew it bothered him and he wanted to get it under control for a reason, after all.

“Kie? How do you feel?” I asked quietly, brushing a few strands of his hair out of his face. The sun was just starting to rise. He’d been out for hours, though I wasn’t sure how many.

“I’m fine,” he said, pushing his elbows under him. I leaned back as he sat up with a grimace, dragging a hand over his face as he took in a slow breath. “How long was I out?”

“I don’t know… a few hours?”

He nodded. “We should get moving.”

I nodded, watching as he got to his feet and then staggered slightly, wrapping an arm around his middle. Though they could enter a sleeping trance to heal, or die to heal, the soreness usually remained a little longer. I got to my feet after him as he started walking away from the tree.

“What happened?” I asked. “Um… last night, I mean. When we fell. We did fall, right?”

“We did,” he confirmed with a grunt. “Then we were caved in. It took a little while to dig us out. You were stable enough until then. Then I healed you and woke you up, and you know what happened next.”

I nodded even though he was currently ahead of me and couldn’t see me. “Oh, okay. What… I mean… What do you think is going on here? I mean, an earthquake _and_ a tornado? What are the odds?”

“I hate math,” he muttered under his breath. “I don’t know what’s going on, human. Maybe your special voice can give you answers.”

I frowned but he had a point. “But we need to find the Sacred Caverns for that to happen, and so far… Does anyone even _live_ here?” I asked, because we hadn’t come across a single living thing since we’d arrived. Only trees and random earthquakes and tornados.

“I have no idea.”

I sighed; he was just as confused as I was. Somehow that wasn’t very comforting.

We were stuck in crazy Miitha Tiaydh where there was random disasters, Exrie was here somewhere, we had no idea where the Elders were, and we had no way to know where the Sacred Caverns were.

Things weren’t going very well.

“How big is this place?” I asked.

“Not nearly as big as Ethereal, and Ethereal is smaller than your world,” he told me as we kept walking. At least things through here seemed relatively normal; the ground wasn’t all cracked, there were no signs of a tornado having torn through here… It seemed calm. Peaceful.

“Well, that’s good, I guess,” I sighed heavily. “That means we’ll find it eventually, right?”

Even if we had to walk all over this place to find it, we would eventually run into where we needed to go.

Then again we could just as easily run into Exrie.

“We’ll find it eventually,” he said in agreement. “But I don’t want to be here longer than we have to be. It’s not… _right_ , here.”

“Tell me about it. Fucking _tornados_.”

I hated tornados. We had them where I lived. As a kid I was always terrified one would hit our house. I would dream of them and wake in cold sweat. Now there were tornados here mixed with earthquakes, and Exrie was here, too.

“Do you think we’ll find the Elders? Or, I mean, do you think they’ll find us?”

“Hope so,” he said. “I don’t know my way around here.”

If we could find the Elders, we would be fine. They would know where to go and we could get to the Sacred Caverns and out of here before Exrie found us.

But the chances of running into the Elders seemed fairly slim.

I just wanted out of Miitha Tiaydh.

The ground rumbled.

I swallowed thickly as Kieron halted and I stopped behind him. “Oh, please tell me that’s not what I think it is.”

It couldn’t be happening _again_. Not already.

“I think it is,” he muttered under his breath. “Fuck.”

He looked around and then started running off toward the right.

“This way!”

The rumbling continued, growing louder, and the ground shook violently beneath my feet as I hurried after Kieron. He was headed toward a cave entrance with a faint blue-white glow coming from the inside. He stopped at the entrance and waved me past him into the cave. The cave ceiling was high and looked sturdy enough.

In fact, after entering the cave, I couldn’t feel the ground shaking under my feet anymore. Looking back out of the cave assured me the shaking was still happening; cracks appeared in the ground, tearing apart, rocks falling into deep chasms, but inside the cave everything was calm.

Kieron joined me, looking just as confused as me.

“What’s going on?” I asked quietly.

“I have no idea,” he said again.

“Why isn’t this place all shaky too?”

“I don’t know.”

The rumbling continued outside, until suddenly, it stopped. I stepped further into the cave, looking out the cave entrance as I did so, walking backward. Kieron stood in front of me, more toward the cave entrance, before he shook his head and followed me deeper into the cave.

The further in we got, the brighter that blue-white glow became. It actually sounded like it was quietly _humming_ , this warmth ebbing through my veins as we got further and further into the cave. Different pathways veered off into tunnels lit with the same glow, but we continued straight instead of heading in different directions.

And then Kieron collapsed.

I gasped and surged forward, catching him as he gritted his teeth, body going so rigid and stiff, muscles straining.

“Kieron?” I breathed, going to my knees with him, holding him toward me. “Kieron, what’s going on? Are you okay? What’s happening? Kieron!”

He didn’t answer me. Instead his eyes, which had been half-lidded, snapped shut and he went completely and utterly still in my arms. Was he even breathing? I brought a hand up, lightly slapping his cheek, feeling his breath run across the side of my hand. He was breathing; he was alive.

He was just unconscious and I had no idea why. I had no idea what was wrong with him.

“Be okay,” I whispered, swallowing thickly as I looked down at his pale face. “Please be okay.”

I had no idea what was wrong with him; I could only hope he was okay, and that he’d wake and could tell me what was happening. There was no reason for him to just suddenly collapse. One minute he was fine, the next he was collapsing, appearing like he was in severe pain.

And now he was unconscious, and I had no idea what to do.

Then his eyes snapped open.

They were glowing, but the color wasn’t right.

The color was too white. The color was blue-white like the walls.

I tightened my grip on him. “Kieron?”

“We are not Kieron.”


	16. Sacred Caverns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. I have the next few chapters written and posted elsewhere so I'm going to go ahead and get caught up here, too xD I apologize for any formatting errors/deleted parts in advance. For some reason this site loves to delete random stuff, it gets annoying.

Chapter Sixteen: Sacred Caverns

 

My spine went rigid when I heard that voice come out of Kieron’s mouth. It was mixed with Kieron’s voice but left it deeper than usual, and it seemed to echo all around us. The humming of the walls seemed to get louder, too, nearly deafening as I stared down at my perpetual. But this wasn’t Kieron.

“Where is he?” I asked quietly, swallowing. “Let him go.”

“Your _keishta_ is well. We merely need him at this moment. If we were to enter your mind, you would never awaken. This perpetual will heal.”

“He has a name,” I snapped, loosening my grip, but I couldn’t drop him. I couldn’t let go, because even though I wanted to shove this voice away if I could, I couldn’t just drop Kieron. It was still Kieron; he was just… not himself, at the moment. “Fuck, okay. What… What do you want? Why are you, erm… Why are you _in_ him?”

“We need him to speak with you. Time is of the essence. We regret that we must take such measures, but he will heal in time.”

“So… So you’re _hurting_ him?”

“Regretfully, yes. This is necessary, however. Exrie is here, in Miitha Tiaydh.”

“I know, you already told me that,” I said, glaring down at the too-light eyes. So bright and yet so very wrong. It was Kieron and yet it wasn’t. I wanted to shove him away and hold on, and I hated feeling like this. “What is so important you had us come all this way? Is this… Are we in the Sacred Caverns?”

“You are. This is the Sacred Caverns, all that is left untouched. It remains hidden from Exrie’s influence. It remains hidden from the destruction of Miitha Tiaydh.”

“Destruction?” I echoed, frowning. “You mean… the earthquakes, and tornados and everything?”

“Miitha Tiaydh is unstable, and it grows more unstable with each day. Soon it will destroy itself. We have retreated here, to the Sacred Caverns. It is the only remaining safe haven in this world.”

“So that’s why it wasn’t shaking in here…” I shook my head. “Okay, that’s… weird, but what does it have to do with me? I mean, why did you call me here?”

Miitha Tiaydh was unstable, but what did that have to do with this voice summoning me here, and possessing Kieron so it could talk to me without hurting me? I hated the thought of it hurting Kieron. This conversation needed to end as soon as possible.

“You seek information. You need to defeat Exrie. If you do not, Ethereal will soon face the same fate as Miitha Tiaydh.”

I frowned. “So… you’re saying… You’re saying Ethereal will become unstable too? With all the earthquakes and… and everything?”

That was terrifying. Ethereal had bad weather, but it rarely seemed to happen. From what I had mostly seen of the place, it seemed mostly calm. The most dangerous part of it seemed to be its inhabitants, not its natural disasters or anything like that. To think it could become like this place… without inhabitants…

“Where is everyone, anyway? Don’t people live here?”

“Those who still live and have not fallen in the chaos Miitha Tiaydh has become have sought refuge in the bowels of the Sacred Caverns, where they have entered a perpetual sleep, until such a time when things are well again. We do not believe they will awaken.”

I closed my eyes. An entire world was just… gone. All its inhabitants. Either dead or forever sleeping, waiting for the end of the world to pass. All of this just sounded so terrible. These people didn’t deserve this.

“And you said… you said Exrie did this?”

How could Exrie do this to an entire world? How could he make it so unstable it was basically self-destructing? The thought that he could do this was mind-blowing. The thought he could do this to _Ethereal_ …

“Every world is balanced. Disrupt that balance, and the world slips into disarray and chaos. He has helped the destruction along, but he is not the sole cause. It is merely this world’s end. Its cycle has run its course. Everything ends eventually.”

“So… Miitha Tiaydh was going to die anyway?”

“Yes, just not as quickly. He has jumpstarted the end, to use your vernacular. Ethereal is a part of your world, but also something mystical. Miitha Tiaydh is more so. It has been run for centuries by the spiritual essence of its predecessor, Ethereal.”

“So this place is like… um…” How could I phrase this so I didn’t sound completely ridiculous… “Like a religious place? Magic and stuff? That’s what it’s run on?”

It made sense, in a way. Atlantis was always said to be magical. Breaking off into its own world was magical in and of itself. I knew there were more spiritual things on Ethereal, like the bond and everything. It kind of made sense for the same to be true in Miitha Tiaydh.

“In a sense, yes. Miitha Tiaydh’s time grows short. We have sealed off the Sacred Caverns. We urge you to utilize the knowledge held here to learn more of this world, Ethereal, and how to defeat Exrie.”

“Can’t you just tell me how to defeat him?”

Why did they always have to make everything so complicated?

“You must learn all that you can about your destiny. All that is and has been foretold has happened here, in the Sacred Caverns.”

I swallowed as the implications sank in. That meant when they said I was foretold, they discovered that right here. I could learn so much about my supposed ‘destiny’ and everything, and what I was supposed to do for Ethereal. Maybe I could even learn how to better use my abilities. Maybe I could learn how to keep Kieron safe, and stop Exrie.

“Okay,” I said quietly. “Let Kieron go and we’ll-”

“The knowledge is for you and you alone. You will need us to get you into the sanctity of the Caverns of Knowledge.”

“Great… more caverns…” I muttered, shaking my head. “Can’t you just let Kieron go? I can send him away when I get there.”

Those blue-white eyes blinked at me. Kieron’s head shook. “We apologize, but relinquishing our hold will not aide you. We will stay.”

“You’re hurting him,” I said. “So stop it.”

“We regret that-”

“Then let him go!” I snapped, glaring down at the too-familiar face. I could still feel him in my mind but it was like he was sleeping, or healing. He was there but I couldn’t contact him, couldn’t really feel his thoughts, only his presence. I couldn’t feel any pain through the bond but this voice said this would hurt him and he could heal from it, and he looked as though he was in pain before this voice took over. “Just let him go, okay? You don’t need him anymore. I’ll go to the Caverns of Knowledge and tell him to wait outside. He won’t come in with me. Just let him-”

“We cannot. We are sorry. He will heal.”

“That’s not the point!”

Why did everyone seem to think it was perfectly okay to hurt Kieron just because he could heal? He could heal, yes, but that didn’t mean he didn’t feel pain. He felt it just like everyone else. Probably more than everyone else since he was ‘used’ to pain. I hated seeing him hurt, especially when all anyone ever said about it was ‘he’ll heal.’ That wasn’t the point.

The voice didn’t reply. I took in a slow breath and released Kieron – _it_ – whatever. It climbed to its feet and began leading the way further into the tunnels. The walk was familiar, but the posture was wrong. It was too stiff, too rigid, too uneasy. It obviously didn’t know how to be in a flesh and blood body. What did it say it was? An echo of some kind?

This was all too much. My head hurt.

I just wanted to leave this place and go home. Back to the apartment, with Kieron at my side, and curl up in bed like this past week hadn’t even happened. Like we never had that stupid fight, like I hadn’t called him animal, like we never came to Miitha Tiaydh…

But it all _did_ happen, and I couldn’t change it. I still wanted to go home more than anything, though. Home with Kieron, warm and safe in bed, with perfect glowing eyes.

That was all I wanted.

I wasn’t sure how long we walked through the tunnels. We took a few turns but every pathway looked the same, filled with that blue-white light, the walls humming quietly. It was all very peaceful sounding, but Miitha Tiaydh looked perfectly peaceful and beautiful at first, too. And then everything went to hell.

Finally Kieron – _it_ – stopped outside of another tunnel entrance, turning to face me.  “Through here is where you will find the Caverns of Knowledge.”

“Okay, thanks for taking me here,” I said. “Give Kieron back now, please.”

Those blue-white eyes just stared at me.

I glared. “I’m not going in there while you’re still in him! I don’t trust you. I’ll go in alone, but I’m not leaving him like this. Get out of him, please.”

“We regret that we-”

“I don’t _care_ if you regret it, just get out of him!”

If this voice thought I was going into that tunnel with it still inside my perpetual, it was sorely mistaken. It needed to get out of Kieron, and I would explain to Kieron that I had to go in alone, and I’d tell him what was happening. He would wait here for me, and probably heal in the process. I couldn’t see any injuries, which meant it was all probably internal. I hated that thought.

“Give him back now.”

“If we ‘give him back’, as you say, he will not awaken.”

“ _What_?” I snapped, glaring at ‘Kieron’. “What the fuck do you _mean_ he won’t fucking-”

“He will wake eventually,” the voice amended, “but not for a time, as his mind will need to heal.”

“His _mind_? What the fuck did you do to him?” I growled. If this voice had its own physical form I would be attacking it, but sadly, I couldn’t hurt Kieron, even if he wasn’t the one in control right now.

“He will recover.”

“That’s not the fucking _point_ , you asshole! Get out of him right now! Stop hurting him!”

“If we ‘get out of him right now’, as you say, you will be defenseless as he will not awaken for some time.”

“Is there anything dangerous in here?”

“No. It is the safest place in Miitha Tiadyh.”

“Then I don’t need protection, so get out of him. He can sleep out here while I’m in there, but I don’t want you in him any longer, do you hear me? Get the fuck _out_ of him.”

Those blue-white eyes watched me for a long moment.

“We may need to speak with you after you come out of there.”

“About what?”

“We will remain as we are until you return, and we will answer your questions if we are able.”

I growled. “No, you’re going to fucking _give my boyfriend back_ , that’s what you’re going to do!”

“We apologize, but we cannot at this time. Please proceed into the tunnel. The sooner you do as we ask, the sooner we can ‘give him back’.”

I brought my hands up, tugging at my hair as I growled under my breath, glaring at ‘Kieron’. This voice did have a point; it might need to speak with me again after I left the Caverns of Knowledge. Letting Kieron go only to re-possess him later seemed unfair, but letting the voice stay in control while it just waited out here for me also seemed unfair. I didn’t know what to do.

I couldn’t make it let him go, though. And it did have a point; if I just did as it told me, this would be over faster, and I could have Kieron back.

So I took in a slow breath and nodded, turning on my heel to walk down the appropriate tunnel.

xXx

As I entered the first of the openings – caverns, maybe? – the blue-white light gave way to more blue. The humming grew, soft whispers all around me, causing me to shiver. I felt like I was being watched by a million different faces in every direction. I walked into the center of the cavern and took in a slow breath, looking around in a slow circle.

“Okay…” I muttered to myself. “Now what?”

I had no idea what I was supposed to do. The voice didn’t tell me what to do once I got into the appropriate caverns, it only said I needed to find some answers. How did I go about asking, or looking for these answers? There weren’t books lying around, there weren’t any people to ask… so what was I supposed to do?

I scrubbed a hand over my face, sighing heavily. The longer I was in here the longer that thing was in Kieron, hurting him. I need to get answers and I needed to get them _now_.

_How do I get answers? What am I supposed to do?_

The blue of the walls grew brighter suddenly, and the whispers grew louder until they became one solid voice I could actually understand.

You are Terrence Leighton Andrews, the Chosen of Ethereal, human, age-

“Whoa! Okay, I get it, you know who I am,” I said, swallowing thickly as I spun in a slow circle, looking for someone, but all I saw was the glowing walls. There was no one there. I was talking to air. Or, rather, _walls_. “Okay, um… u-uh, why am I here?”

You were chosen 261 years ago. Foreseen bond-mate: Exrie.

My eyes flew open wide. “ _What_?” I gasped, staring at the blue, glowing walls. “ _No_ , my bond-mate is _Kieron_!”

It is fortuitous we were mistaken. Exrie has become corrupted.

“Corrupted,” I muttered. “Yeah, _nice_ way of putting it. What the fuck do you _mean_ I was supposed to bond with _Exrie_?”

I was bonded to Kieron. If I was foretold, the first person from Ethereal I saw was supposed to become my bond-mate, or something like that. And that was Kieron, who tackled me in the woods on that night so long ago, and then came back a few days later to kidnap me for my own protection. He originally intended to pawn me off on someone else because he didn’t want to share a bond with anyone – and after learning about his past, I could understand why – but Ashere forced us into a locked basement until we started the bond. It was all foretold and had to happened, he said. It was already predetermined.

But if it was already predetermined, why were these walls telling me _Exrie_ was supposed to be the one to find me?

Did that mean it _wasn’t_ predetermined that _Kieron_ and I needed to bond?

Exrie: determined 205 years ago to be bonded to Terrence Leighton Andrews. Amendment: Exrie as bond-mate annulled 101 years ago.

“What’s that mean?” I asked.

New bond-mate chosen 51 years ago. Intended: Kaspen.

“Kaspen?” I repeated. “I don’t know who that is.”

Who the hell was this ‘Kaspen’ I was supposed to be bound to? Obviously Exrie was taken out of the equation because he went crazy and became all evil and everything, so who was this Kaspen?

Kaspen, born 903 years ago. Classification: Animalistic, _mikaren_ , ‘he who fights’. Last known location: the Lake. Siblings-

“Whoa, wait, I need… what?”

This was a lot to take in.

I swallowed thickly. Kaspen was animalistic, and therefore thrown into the Lake. But if that was the case, then why was he ‘chosen’ to bond with me only fifty-one years ago? I was so confused.

“What about Kieron?” I asked.

Kieron: born 804 years ago. Classification: Animalistic, _mikaren_ , ‘he who fights’. Last known location: Earth. Siblings: Kleo, sister; Kaspen, brother.

“Whoa, wait! What? Kieron has a _brother_?”

Kieron had a brother, and it was _Kaspen_?

I closed my eyes, taking in a slow breath. This was all too much. I didn’t know what to think about any of this. I was supposed to bond with Kaspen, who was Kieron’s _brother_.

“Okay… Okay, um… h-how was I supposed to bond with Kaspen if he was in the Lake?”

Unable to answer query. Please try again.

It was like talking to a robot. At least the voice had been coherent.

“Why wasn’t I supposed to bond with Kieron? He’s the one who found me.”

Exrie interfered.

“How?”

Unable to answer query. Please try again.

For the ‘Caverns of Knowledge’, these walls sure weren’t being very helpful. All they did was give me more questions. I apparently wasn’t supposed to bond with Kieron. It apparently wasn’t foretold at all.

But I couldn’t imagine things happening differently. I couldn’t imagine bonding with someone else. I loved Kieron. I was bonded to Kieron. I was the aggressor, he was the subgressor. To imagine otherwise…

I couldn’t.

“Why wasn’t I supposed to bond with Kieron?”

Unable to answer query. Please try again.

I took in a slow breath. It didn’t calm me very much. Originally, I only bonded with Kieron because I had to. And now I apparently didn’t have to, because it wasn’t foretold like we thought it was. It wasn’t predetermined. All I could think about was how different my life would be right now if I hadn’t bonded with Kieron.

Exrie probably would bonded with me when he captured me. I would be enslaved, most likely. Or I’d be back on Earth and stuck with Rufus and John.

I didn’t like either option.

I was happy with Kieron. I couldn’t imagine life if I never bonded with him.

“Okay… Okay, whatever, fine. Don’t answer me.” I sighed heavily, dragging a hand across my face.

I needed to focus. I could worry about what was foretold later.

“How do I stop Exrie?”

xXx

“Did you find the answers you sought?”

I swallowed, looking at Kieron and his too-light eyes. All I wanted to do right now was curl up next to my perpetual and pretend everything was a bad dream. A nightmare I could easily wake up from. Sadly, that wasn’t the case. Kieron wasn’t even Kieron right now. I could find no comfort.

“I got some answers. Please release Kieron now.”

“We cannot.”

“Why the fuck _not_?” I snapped, glaring at ‘Kieron’. “I went to your stupid caverns. I talked to the stupid walls. I did as you asked, now let him go!”

I just wanted Kieron back, and I wanted to get the hell out of Miitha Tiaydh and attempt to forget about this place. Forget all that I had learned. Forget everything and just wake up from this nightmare.

“Exrie draws nearer, and Miitha Tiaydh has fallen further into chaos. Releasing our hold on your _keishta_ will not aide you.”

“I don’t fucking _care_. I just want to go home, so give Kieron back _now_.”

I wasn’t in the mood for this. For _any_ of this. I just wanted to go home. Was that so wrong?

“We regret that-”

“Don’t regret anything, dammit, just let him go!”

_Just please leave him alone, get out of him._

It was bad enough this was hurting him. The voice needed to get out of him and leave him alone.

“Miitha Tiaydh is too unstable. We will show you the back way out, but we must come with you. As soon as we leave this vessel, he will collapse.”

“He’s not a _vessel_ ,” I growled, glaring at ‘Kieron’. “He’s a person, you asshole!”

“Nevertheless, we regret that we cannot exit this person at this present time. We will show you the way out, but we must remain in this vessel a little while longer.”

I scrubbed a hand over my face, sighing heavily. “Fine, whatever, but be quick about it.”

I didn’t want that voice in Kieron any longer than necessary. It was already too long for my liking.

‘Kieron’ turned on his heel and led the way back down the tunnel. I followed quietly, attempting to calm myself. To defeat Exrie, I needed to make a plan. Nothing was certain, as what was predetermined had apparently changed drastically due to Exrie’s influence. Whatever he was doing, it changed everything.

We needed to find Kaspen. Did Kieron even know he had a brother?

I wasn’t looking forward to telling him. I wasn’t looking forward to any of this.

I wasn’t sure how long we walked, but suddenly the walls were so very white, the humming so loud. I looked at ‘Kieron’, frowning. “What’s going on?”

“This is the back door to Ethereal,” the voice said. “Follow, Terrence.”

And then ‘Kieron’ just stepped _into_ the wall, and disappeared into the bright light. I stared after him, before I took in a slow breath and followed. I disappeared into the wall. Electricity ran rampant across my skin, tingling but not hurting. It was too bright; I was forced to close my eyes. When I opened them again, I was on solid ground, and the brightness was gone.

Leviathan trees surrounded me with a sense of familiarity.

We were back in Ethereal.

I released a slow breath and looked at Kieron. His eyes were still too light and I hated it.

“Okay – let him go now.”

 _I fucking mean it. You let him go or I will_ make _you let him go._

I wasn’t sure how I would do this as my abilities only worked when Kieron was in danger… and how would I even use them right now? I couldn’t use them _against_ him. Even if it was someone else wearing his face.

“We will once we reach safety. It is not safe in the open.”

“I don’t fucking _care_! Just let him _go_!”

This voice kept making excuses as to why it had to stay inside my perpetual. I was tired of it.

Those blue-white eyes just blinked at me, and then ‘Kieron’ turned on his heel and started walking away. I swallowed and followed after him, unable to do anything else. I couldn’t hurt him to get the voice to leave him. Would the voice even feel pain? Either way I couldn’t hurt Kieron. He was already being hurt by this voice; I couldn’t add to it, no matter how much I wanted to physically harm this voice right now.

We walked in silence for a long time. I kept tossing him glances but the voice paid no attention to me. It was late, and dark, and chilly. I wanted to go home. I wanted Kieron back and I wanted to go home.

Finally ‘Kieron’ stopped and gestured down a faint path etched into the ground from people walking through it so many times. “This way. A cabin awaits.”

I nodded slowly and followed as he again led the way.

Finally we reached the cabin and ‘Kieron’ opened the door, stepping inside. The cabin looks familiar. I frowned, looking around.

“Where’s Ashere and Bekkah?” I asked, recognizing this as the place we stayed in before we went into Miitha Tiaydh. We left Ashere and Bekkah at the cabin, but currently we were alone. The cabin was silent and empty save for us.

The door closed behind us.

“We will release our control now. Be prepared to tend to your beloved.”

_Oh, I’m prepared,_ I thought sourly, nodding.

Kieron’s eyes closed. He seemed to stiffen entirely for a moment, a statue made of flesh and bone, before he suddenly went boneless and limp. He collapsed into a heap and I barely managed to catch him in time before he hit the floor. I crashed to my knees painfully under the sudden weight, looking at his slack expression, closed eyes and barely parted mouth.

“Kieron?” I asked quietly, swallowing thickly as I brought a hand up, brushing stray bangs from his face. He was sweating, I realized. As I watched he seemed to grow noticeably paler, his brows furrowing together in what looked like pain, his expression no longer so slack. The sudden change left me frowning. “Kieron? Hey – Kie?”

He didn’t rouse, his eyelids didn’t twitch, and he didn’t make a sound. But he was in pain; I _knew_ he was even if I couldn’t feel it through the bond. I took in a slow breath and wondered how I was going to get him into a bed. He was heavier than he looked. I could help him move easily enough but carrying him was another matter entirely, when he was boneless and limp in my grasp.

I couldn’t, and wouldn’t, just leave him on the floor, though, so I grabbed under his arms and managed to push to my feet, dragging him up with me. I slung one of his arms over my shoulders and managed to finally walk in the direction of the room I’d stayed in before we went to Miitha Tiaydh.

_Miitha Tiaydh._

Fuck that place.

If I never saw it again it would be too soon. I hated it there. It was terrible that the world was so unstable it was self-destructing, and I felt so upset for all of those poor, unfortunate people who had died and were going to die… a whole world’s worth of people, just _gone_ … but I couldn’t bring myself to ever want to go there again, not even if it might help it.

It was terrible there.

And Exrie was there.

I hoped he got lost in the chaos of its self-destruction. Perhaps that was harsh, wishing death on someone, but after all that Exrie had done… all the suffering he had caused… what he did to Kieron…

What he _wanted_ to do to Kieron…

If he died no one would care. Especially me. I would rejoice. If he was gone, Kieron would be safe. I would stop being hunted, and Kieron would be safe because there would be no reason to kill him.

I deposited Kieron on the bed before sitting next to him, looking down at him as his brow furrowed even more. His breaths hitched in his chest. I swallowed and splayed a hand flat on his chest, feeling his pulse race beneath my palm.

“You’ll be okay,” I said quietly, fingers curling lightly in the fabric of dirty, torn shirt. He was dirty, covered in dry blood and dirt. I should probably clean him up, but I myself was exhausted and I knew he wouldn’t be waking any time soon. However I couldn’t bring myself to sleep.

I didn’t trust that voice.

I needed to be here, awake and alert, in case something happened to Kieron. He was always vigilant with me; I could return the favor.

So I sat at his side, and I waited.

xXx

I must have fallen asleep sometime, because suddenly my pillow was moving. I swallowed and lifted my head as Kieron twisted beneath me. My gaze slid up to his face which was contorted, sweat beading his brow, his eyes barely parted. Parted. Open. He was awake.

“Kieron,” I said, immediately sitting up as I hovered over him, staring down into his dark blue eyes. His _glazed_ dark blue eyes. “Kieron, are you okay? How do you feel?” I asked, brushing those naughty bangs out of his face, the strands semi-damp from the sweat along his forehead.

“G-Get it out,” he breathed, clenching his eyes tightly closed.

“What?” I asked, frowning. “What do you mean?”

“Get it _out_!” He sat up so suddenly he nearly collided with me, but I scooted back just in time. His eyes flew open wide as he brought his hands up, clutching at his head, his breaths short and staggered.

“Kieron!” I hissed, reaching for him, placing my hands on his arm. “Kie, what’s wrong? You gotta tell me, okay?”

“ _Get it out_!” he snapped, eyes closing again.

I watched as blood dribbled down his nose.

“Oh, God,” I breathed, staring. “Kieron, what’s wrong?”

_What did that voice do to you?_

“It’s in my head,” he rasped, voice rough with misuse, pushed through gritted teeth and a clenched jaw. “It’s in my _thoughts_. No – don’t look there, that’s – it’s in my _memories_ , get it _out_!”

He sounded so… _panicked_. Panicked, and not composed and calm like usual. Not even truly _pained_ , just off-balance. Panicked. Fucking _panicked_. Kieron was never supposed to sound like that.

My breaths hitched in my throat. “Kieron, I’m sorry, I… I don’t know what to do! What’s in your head? What’s in your thoughts?”

“Knock me out,” he croaked roughly, clearly attempting to compose himself, his tongue flicking out across dry and cracked lips as he panted heavily.

“W-What?” I stammered, staring at him.

_Please tell me you didn’t say what I think you did…_

“Knock me out,” he repeated breathily.

“Kieron – no, I can’t,” I said quickly, shaking my head as I tightened my grip on his arm.

_Oh, God, what’s wrong with you? What did that voice do?_

I had no idea what kind of damage that voice caused. I had no idea what Kieron was even talking about. Something was clearly very wrong, though, and it was _panicking_ him.

So much so that he asked me to _knock him out_.

Kieron, who was built to handle pain.

He snarled and shrugged off my grip, twisting away from me as he staggered to his feet. He was clearly off-balance as he staggered a little too much, catching himself on the bedside table. Then he snarled again, went to his knees, knocked the table over and harshly tore off a table leg.

I stared, wide-eyed, as I realized what he was going to do.

“No!” I hissed, quickly climbing off the bed to kneel next to him as my fingers wrapped around the other end of the table leg he also held. “No – I won’t let you hurt yourself, Kieron. Please. Talk to me. What’s wrong with you? What’s in your head? What hurts?”

“Doesn’t _hurt_ ,” he breathed, screwing his eyes shut again. “Just… Just _get it out_. Need to get it out. Have to get it out. Knock me out, I don’t want to – no, stay out of – _knock me out-_ ”

He jumped from sentence to sentence without really finishing any of them.

And then he snarled again, his eyes snapped open, and he tore the table leg from my grasp.

Before I could say or do anything, he slammed the table leg harshly against his head. It landed with a sickening _crack_ and then he slumped sideways, the table leg dropping from his suddenly slack grasp as he did so. Blood dripped down his forehead from the new crack on his head.

“ _Kieron_ ,” I choked, sliding closer to him, hovering over him worriedly. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to do with my hands or with myself or how to help him. All I could do was stare down at him helplessly. “Oh, God, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t know what… I’m sorry. Please be okay.”

That voice did something.

Something bad. Something unexpected.

It said Kieron would heal in time.

But he said there wasn’t pain.

He just felt… _off_ , or something like that. He seemed very disorientated and his nose was bleeding.

Finally my hands landed on him and I pulled him toward me, into my waiting lap. I stared down at him for a moment, swallowing thickly, before I took in a slow breath and hunched further over him, cradling him to me as I wrapped my arms around him.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, my lips brushing against his ear as I lightly kissed at the tip of it. “I’m so sorry. I’ll fix it – I promise. You’ll be okay.”

I would fix this. I would fix whatever was wrong.

I wouldn’t let him suffer because the voice needed to talk to _me_.

Why did everything have to happen to Kieron instead of me?

It wasn’t fair. Kieron did nothing wrong.

He wasn’t even supposed to be the one to _bond_ with me.

And yet…

“I love you,” I murmured, closing my eyes as I tightened my hold on him, listening to his shaky breaths. “I’ll fix this. I promise, Kieron.”

Whatever it took, I was going to fix this.

I had to.

For Kieron.

 


	17. Feeling Off

Chapter Seventeen: Feeling Off

 

I dropped the dirty rag into the red water, finally satisfied with the state of Kieron’s skin. It took a while to scrub the dirt and blood away, longer to wrestle him out of his clothes to do so, but it was finally done. He was clean, and back in bed. I stood from the bed, picking up the bowl of dirty, red-tinted water, and eased out of the room on stiff legs. I had been sitting next to him, leaning over him to wipe the blood and dirt away, for hours now. Every time I thought I was finished I found somewhere else which needed my attention. His cuts might have healed – save the one on his head which he created himself about six hours ago – but the blood remained, staining his skin. His clothes were a disaster; nothing could be done to save them. We didn’t have any new, clean clothes, though, but I hadn’t scoured the cabin yet. Perhaps there were clothes somewhere. Just in case there weren’t, I kept his torn clothes and they were currently soaking in hot water.

I deposited the bowl of water and the rag onto the counter in the kitchen, wiping a hand over my brow. My back hurt, my muscles ached, and I was so tired. So tired and confused and exhausted. It had been a long few days. A long week. Just entirely too long, and I just wanted to go home and curl up in bed. Was that so wrong? I just wanted to go home with Kieron and forget any of this ever happened.

After knocking himself out, Kieron had been still and quiet save for the occasional furrowing of his brow. Every so often he would toss his head to one side or the other, but it never lasted for long. Every time I thought he was about to wake up, he drifted off again. But now he was clean; I didn’t have to look at the blood dotting his face anymore, so that was something at least.

Even so I knew something was wrong. Just because he looked peaceful and blood-free right now didn’t mean that was the case. That voice did something to him. Something was very wrong, so wrong it caused him to actually panic and knock himself out. _Kieron_. Who was used to pain in all its forms. Who never panicked about anything, and especially not about himself. He was probably the most selfless person I knew. And yet he panicked when he woke up, and not from pain. From something else. Something in his mind.

I wished I could help him.

Somehow, though, I doubted sleeping for a few more hours helped him any. The probably would still be there when he woke, and I wouldn’t let him knock himself out again. We would talk about this and figure this out. I’d fix this. It was my fault to begin with; I had to fix it. I had to make it better. Why did Kieron always have to suffer because of me? It wasn’t fair.

I sighed and left the kitchen, finally heading back through the cabin toward the room Kieron was in. I had no idea where Ashere and Bekkah were, or if they would be back. I had no idea if the Elders would manage to make it out of Miitha Tiaydh. I had no idea what to do next.

I pushed open the door to the room and frowned when I saw Kieron sitting up, his back against the headboard, his knees pulled to his chest. His chin rested on his knees, his arms folded around his legs, his eyes closed.

“Kieron?” I asked quietly, stepping toward the bed. “Are you okay? How do you feel?”

“I’m fine,” he said flatly, not moving in the slightest, keeping his eyes closed, expression slack.

“Are… Are you sure?” I asked, frowning as I sat on the edge on the bed, watching him carefully. “You’re not… There’s no pain?”

“I’m fine,” he repeated in that same flat tone.

It reminded me entirely too much of when he was so angry with me, when I broke his trust. A shiver crawled up my spine.

“Is there still… something in your head?”

_Something you want to get out?_

“I’m fine.”

I released a slow breath, chewing on my lower lip worriedly before I nodded slowly. “Yeah. Okay, Kie. Um… W-Where do you think Ashere and Bekkah are?”

“I don’t know.”

Short and to the point, but not clipped. Just flat and quiet.

“Talk to me,” I said quietly, reaching for him. He shied away from the contact, eyes still closed, but expression no longer so slack. I dropped my hand back down onto the bed, frowning at him. “Kieron?”

“It’s still there,” he finally muttered, burying his face in his arms which were near the top of his knees now.

“Still there?” I repeated. “What do you mean? What is?”

“Still digging into my head. I’ve cordoned it off for now but it…” He released a slow breath. “I want it out.”

“I know you do,” I said quietly. “What is it, Kieron? Can you explain it to me, please?”

I needed to know what was wrong, after all.

“Don’t know. Just digging into my mind. A nail into my skull. Constant.”

“Is it… Is it another presence? Another presence in your mind?”

If that voice didn’t leave him… if it was still in his mind…

If I could find a way to physically harm that voice, I would do so in a heartbeat. It wasn’t enough that it took Kieron over, hurting him in the process, but it had the audacity to stay in his mind, doing this to him? If that was the case, and that was what this was… I would find some way to hurt it. Severely.

Kieron was quietly for a long time. Finally he sighed, shoulders slumping. “I want it out.”

“I know you do,” I said quietly, swallowing thickly. “We’ll… We’ll find a way to get it out.

I wasn’t sure how, but we would. I would fix this. I wouldn’t let him suffer like this. Maybe the Elders would know of a way to fix this, since they knew more about Miitha Tiaydh than we did. Three were missing in Miitha Tiaydh, but there were other Elders we could go to.

“Do you think the Elders made it out of Miitha Tiaydh?”

“Don’t know.”

“That place is… It’s dying.”

“I know.”

“You… You do?”

Strange, considering he hadn’t been privy to that conversation.

“I have memories digging into my thoughts. They aren’t mine. There’s a million of them and they all want my attention. There’s… _something_ …” He growled under his breath and finally lifted his head, opening dark blue eyes. “It’s almost painful.”

“Almost,” I murmured, frowning.

“More annoying. A constant drone in the back of my mind. Thoughts and memories I have that aren’t my own. It’s…” His gaze flickered away from me. “Disorientating.”

_I would imagine it is._

That voice either did something or was still in his mind, vying for attention. Either way, it was wrong. I had to fix this.

“Would the other Elders know how to help you?” I asked, watching him careful.

He scowled, and I was truly relieved to see that expression. “I don’t know.” He sighed, and looked at me again. “What did you learn in the Sacred Caverns? That is where we wound up, right? Everything goes dark after we entered.”

I nodded, chewing on my lower lip. I had no idea how much I should tell him. According to the voice, the knowledge was for me and me alone. And yet that voice lied to me, said Kieron would heal, said it would give him back to me… and something was wrong with Kieron. So…

“You have a brother,” I blurted, and then snapped my mouth shut because I truly hadn’t meant to start with that information.

Kieron’s eyes narrowed. “What?”

“You have a brother,” I repeated slowly. “You… He’s older than you by like a century. His name is Kaspen. He’s animalistic and was thrown in the Lake.”

Once I started talking, I couldn’t stop. Everything just poured out.

“I was apparently supposed to bond with _Exrie_. Can you believe it? Fucking _Exrie_. And then he went all evil so they decided I needed to bond with _Kaspen_. But nope, I bonded with you, and I don’t know what any of that is supposed to mean, or why, or how I was supposed to bond with Kaspen if he was in the Lake, or-”

“I have a brother?” Kieron cut in sharply, and I closed my mouth, swallowing thickly as I nodded. “An older brother?”

“Yes,” I said weakly. “Animalistic, like you. He…. He was thrown into the Lake.”

Kieron actually _smiled_ at that.

“What…? Why are you smiling?”

He eased the smile off his face, shaking his head. “Nothing. It just… It means there’s kind of a reason my parents reacted so harshly when I was five.”

I frowned, confused, before his words sank in. When he was five, he got his animalistic features. His parents went from being… well, _parents_ , to being standoffish and cruel in the span of a day, demanding that he call them by their names, distancing themselves as they took him to the Lake for his eternal punishment even though he was _five_.

That seemed so very cruel, but with this new information…

Kaspen might have been cruel. Perhaps he deserved to be thrown into the Lake. They already had to deal with one animalistic kid; perhaps when they learned Kieron was animalistic, too, they were afraid he would become like Kaspen and wanted to get it over with before they grew attached to Kieron? Perpetuals felt emotions, even if they tried to ignore them and attempted to beat them out of the younger generation. They still had feelings, they could still feel attached to one another and their kids, it was just rare. They obviously were on good terms with Kleo, and Kleo and Kieron seemed to be on okay terms.

But this was new information about why Kieron’s parents might have reacted as they did when he was five.

Kieron probably thought, at first, that they just hated him.

But now, knowing he had an older brother who was animalistic and was put in the Lake… it gave them a reason to react as they had that had little to do with hating him. It wasn’t excusing their behavior by any means, but it was at least a reason. Perhaps even a good one, if Kaspen was indeed corrupted and cruel like animalistic perpetuals were rumored to be.

Then again… Kaspen might have been like Kieron.

Decent, but terrified of being thrown into the Lake. Perhaps, instead of hiding it and becoming a ‘model’ perpetual like Kieron had, Kaspen went another route. Maybe he went on a rampage to fight everyone and escape. Perhaps that got him thrown into the Lake.

I had no idea. I knew Kieron was wondering the same thing.

“So we didn’t have to bond?” he finally asked, and I looked away, swallowing thickly.

“I… I guess not. I don’t know. I just… I don’t know.”

Maybe we _didn’t_ have to bond, if it wasn’t foretold like we thought it was. But honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I loved Kieron. I couldn’t imagine myself not bonded to him.

He sighed. When I looked back at him his eyes were closed, expression semi-contorted.

“Kieron?”

“Headache,” he muttered, dragging a hand up to scrub across his eyes. “I feel… wrong. Off.”

“I’ll fix it,” I promised.

His eyes opened, focusing on me. A frown stretched his lips downward ever so slightly. “I don’t think you can,” he said quietly, almost apologetically, and I clenched my hands into fists, fingers curling in the covers beneath me.

“I _can_ ,” I told him firmly. I would fix what I did to him. What that voice did to him. I would fix it and he’d be fine. We’d figure all of this out and we’d be perfectly _fine_. “I… I’ll… The Elders can help, right?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, if anyone knows what to do, it’s them, right?”

They had to know. If they didn’t…

Then who would?

He shrugged somewhat helplessly, looking so unlike himself I just wanted to hug him and tell him it would be okay, but I was probably lying. For all I knew, he was right, and I couldn’t fix any of this. But I had to try, if nothing else. I couldn’t let him suffer because of me, not again.

“This… presence, in your mind,” I said slowly, “can you talk to it?”

He shook his head. “I don’t think so.”

“Can’t you push it out?”

He’d been working on controlling his mind’s shields all of his life, after all. That was over eight-hundred years of training and practice.

He scowled, eyes narrowing darkly. “If I could, don’t you think I would have done that by now?” he all but snapped, and I winced, knowing he was right.

“Sorry, I just… I… I’m _sorry_ , Kieron, this is all my fault.”

He waved a hand dismissively, tilting his head back so it rested against the headboard as his eyes fell closed once more.

I growled under my breath. “Don’t brush this off, dammit! This is my fault. _Again_. All I do is _hurt_ you, and-”

“Enough,” he snapped, eyes opening once more to glare at me. “My head hurts enough without you adding your self-loathing on top of it.”

I swallowed. “Kieron, I… I’m sor-”

“Stop fucking apologizing,” he growled, glare deepening. “Apologizing won’t change anything. What’s happened is done, leave it be. Get the fuck over it.”

“But-”

He shook his head. “I don’t want to hear it, human. Just…” He ran a hand across his face again, sighing heavily. “Let’s just go home.”

“Go home,” I echoed, swallowing thickly as I watched him. “You called it ‘home’.”

He paused, a slow frown working across his face, before he shrugged. “Where are my clothes?”

It was then I realized he had been mostly naked this whole time, clad only in his underwear, and a blanket half over his legs.

“They, um… They’re soaking. I’m trying to… clean them as much as I can.”

He scowled. “Water isn’t going to help the rips and tears in them.”

“I know. But I just…”

I shrugged helplessly.

_It was the least I could do._

After all the trouble I’d caused him… all the hurt I’d unintentionally caused him…

I had to do something.

“I’ll get them out of the water,” I said quietly, slipping off the bed and easing out of the room.

I plucked the clothes from the water and wrung them out as much as I could before placing them out on the table near the window. It was nearly midday now; hopefully the sunlight would help them dry. Even so it would still be roughly an hour before we could leave.

The bedroom door opened. I glanced over as Kieron exited the room. I was pleased to note that he appeared mostly normal now; he walked as he always had, his posture not as stiff as that voice had left it when it had been walking around in his body.

“So what all did I miss in the Sacred Caverns?” he asked semi-conversationally as he hitched himself up on top of the counter in the kitchen, next to where I stood. This made him taller than me and I had to look up at him.

“Um…”

“Apart from me having a brother, I mean,” he said.

I looked down at the ground, chewing on my lower lip. I didn’t know how to say any of this. The walls hadn’t been very clear on much of anything. I asked questions, but got few answers. Only more riddles and more questions, really. It was infuriating and confusing and I just wanted to go home with Kieron.

“I asked… erm… the Caverns of Knowledge. I went there, and the walls talked to me. I asked how to defeat Exrie.”

“And?” Kieron prompted when I went quiet. “How do we stop him?”

“I don’t know,” I said helplessly, shoulders slumping, head bowed.

“What do you mean?”

“They… They weren’t very clear, and I don’t… I don’t know what they mean.”

“What’d these ‘walls’ say?”

That sounded so crazy when he put it like that, that I couldn’t help but laugh. Laugh and laugh and laugh, and I couldn’t stop. Soon my stomach hurt and I wrapped an arm around it, bending over slightly. Kieron’s hands caught my face, lifting my head and thus my gaze toward his face above me.

“Terry,” he said quietly, blue eyes scanning me over so carefully, “what did they say?”

“They said the only way to defeat him so after he’s already won.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

I closed my eyes, focusing on the way his thumb trailed across my cheekbone in slow, soothing circles I didn’t even think he realized he was doing. “I… I don’t know.”

Exrie wanted a lot of things. He wanted me to bond with him, he wanted Kieron dead, and he wanted to rule Ethereal.

After which point would he have ‘won’? All of the above? Killing Kieron? Bonding with me?

He couldn’t take over Ethereal until he bonded with me. Or, at least, that was what his thought process was, I was sure. He thought my abilities would work if he was in danger, if we were bonded, as they worked when Kieron was in danger, but he was sorely mistaken. My abilities began and ended with Kieron.

But that was what Exrie thought needed to happen.

He couldn’t take over Ethereal until he bonded with me, and he couldn’t do that until he killed Kieron.

Either way – after he thought he won, there would be little point in fighting him other than for revenge.

Because the first step of his ‘winning’ involved Kieron’s death.

_I won’t let it happen._

“Human?”

I blinked, realizing my eyes had previously been tightly closed.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Nothing,” I said, focusing again on his hands on my face. He could be surprisingly gentle, and I didn’t even think he knew what he was doing. I liked seeing him like this; it so rarely happened. I wanted to savor the moment, wanted to curl into his side, hold onto him and go home, but I was too worked up to calm down now.

Kieron sighed, releasing his hold on me. I fought back the disappointed sigh which threatened to slip past my lips. He jumped off the counter, stretching. “I’m going to shower.”

I nodded and watched him leave the room.

He poked his head back into the room a moment later, scowling at me.

“Now I know you’re lying to me.”

“What? About what?” I asked, frowning at him.

“Something’s obviously wrong – you didn’t even offer to join me.”

I laughed – I couldn’t help it. “So my lack of lewd behavior tells you something is bothering me?”

“Well, is something bothering you?”

I looked away.

“Exactly,” he said.

“Kieron… I…”

“If that’s another apology, save your breath,” he told me.

I wasn’t aware he was moving until his fingers closed around my wrist. A moment later I was pressed against his warm, solid body, and his mouth was against my own.

It was the first time we’d kissed in what felt like forever. How long had it actually been? A few days? It felt like an eternity since we were truly this close, save for when he was literally breathing for me when I was drowning, but that didn’t count. Now he was so close and so warm and solid and real, that I couldn’t help but relax into him, my own arms surrounding him, crushing him to me.

I missed this.

I missed him.

I was afraid this would never happen again – but we were okay now. He forgave me. I would never betray his trust in me again.

“You know I love you, right?” I murmured against his soft, pliable lips, my eyes closed.

“I know,” he said, his voice just as quiet.

“You know I’ll never say anything like that ever again, right? I’ll never call you that again.”

“I know, human.”

“Good,” I breathed, kissing him again. Then I pulled back enough I could just hold onto him, resting my head on his shoulder, my ear pressed against warm skin. Warm, naked skin since he was still only in his underwear. “I’m gonna fix this, Kieron.”

“I know you’ll try.”

“I’ll fix it,” I vowed.

He hummed thoughtfully, the sound vibrating through me, leaving me relaxing even further against him, into his warm hold.

xXx

“There you are.”

I flinched at the sudden voice even as Kieron merely looked up and nodded from where he stood next to me in the bedroom, pulling his dry clothes on over his head. I belatedly realized my perpetual was _naked_ and we weren’t alone.

Instantly I was snarling. Ashere held his hands out and backed away, watching me carefully, and immediately I felt guilty.

“I’m so sorry,” I told him, finally able to stop growling when Kieron finished clothing himself. “I didn’t… I didn’t mean to hurt you, Ashere. I… I wasn’t myself. I’m sorry.”

He shrugged, dropping his hands back to his sides. “I know. Kieron explained it to me.”

“You…” I looked at Kieron. “You did?”

He shrugged, sitting on the edge of the bed to slip on his boot-like shoes, great for hiking through Ethereal.

“What happened? Bekkah asked from where she stood in the doorway with Ashere. “The gateway to Miitha Tiaydh became unstable – we thought you were trapped there.”

“Or dead,” Ashere muttered.

“You would have felt it,” Kieron said dismissively.

“Actually, we might not have,” Bekkah said quietly. “Miitha Tiaydh is… _different_. The gateway is unstable. We don’t know that we would have felt anything through that gateway.”

I frowned. “But you feel it on Earth.”

“The gateways between here and Earth are perfectly stable,” Bekkah said, shaking her head. “But not with Miitha Tiaydh, and there’s only one gateway.”

 _Two_ , I corrected in my mind, but that back door was supposed to be a secret of some kind, so I kept silent for now.

“What about the Elders?” I asked. “Did they make it back? We became separated there.”

“We haven’t seen them yet,” Bekkah said. “We didn’t even know you two were out.”

They must have been waiting at the gateway for a long time now. The Elders told them not to follow after us into Miitha Tiaydh, so they must have been waiting for our return, but we came out through the back door and must have slipped here unnoticed.

“It’s a long story,” I muttered, sighing heavily as I scrubbed a hand over my face.

It had been a long day. A long few days. A long week.

“Kieron and I are going home,” I told them. “If you try to stop us, I don’t think you’ll like the outcome.”

“Go ahead,” Bekkah said, nodding. “Ashere and I will wait here for the Elders.”

“I don’t know if that’s a good-”

Bekkah elbowed Ashere in the ribs, leaving him grimacing as he snapped his mouth shut.

“Go ahead,” Bekkah said.

I smiled at her gratefully, grabbing Kieron’s arm before I began to lead him past Ashere and Bekkah and out of the room. Ashere caught Kieron’s arm before we could leave, tearing him away from me, and I spun to face them, a snarl already forming on my lips despite how I tried to hold it back. Ashere and Kieron were friends; he was allowed to talk to my perpetual. He was allowed to be close to him, and touch him as a friend would. He’d only grabbed his arm; that was fine. Perfectly fine.

He said something in Kieron’s ear, his lips nearly touching the shell. Kieron nodded once at whatever was said, then offered Ashere a smile, before Ashere finally sighed and released him.

Kieron rejoined me and I couldn’t help but scowl at Ashere as we moved toward the front door.

“Terry, could I speak with you privately for a moment?”

I stiffened at Ashere’s words, but couldn’t exactly say ‘no’. Not after I nearly killed him without even meaning to hurt him. So I sighed and nodded, and he led me off to the side, into the room he’d been staying in before we left for Miitha Tiaydh.

Once the door closed behind him he turned to face me from where he stood in front of the door, and I stood in the center of the room. His brown eyes narrowed into thin, calculating slits, his long silver hair easily covering one eye nearly completely.

I shifted uneasily under his gaze. “Ashere?”

“Don’t hurt him again.”

I frowned. “Excuse me?”

“Kieron,” he said briskly. “Don’t hurt him again.”

“I won’t,” I promised quietly. “You don’t have to tell me, okay? I know I fucked up. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

He took in a slow breath and nodded, before offering a smile. “See that it doesn’t happen again. If it does, I won’t be so nice.”

I nodded. He didn’t need to tell me this; he loved Kieron. He could deny it all he wanted, but we both knew he did. Even Bekkah seemed to know. The only one who didn’t was Kieron, though how he couldn’t see it was beyond me. He kept stating that he and Ashere were only friends.

This simply wasn’t true. They were friends, yes, but Ashere certainly wanted to be more than friends.

He sighed, shaking his head. “You looked nervous, earlier,” he said. “Is something wrong?”

I frowned.

“What happened in Miitha Tiaydh?”

“I… I don’t… The place is falling apart,” I told him, shivering as I remembered the chaos that world had become. “Tornados, earthquakes… everything is going crazy. The world is self-destructing. Exrie is there; I don’t know what he’s done, but he’s why it’s happening.”

“How is that possible?” Ashere asked, frowning.

I shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know. We lost sight of the Elders shortly after arriving; there was an earthquake and we were separated. We haven’t seen them since, but Kieron said they were alive because he didn’t feel their… death. Would he feel it while he was there?”

Ashere nodded. “Yes; he would feel it if they were in the same world, definitely. Being here and feeling it, while the gateway is damaged and off-balance, is another matter entirely.”

I nodded. “So they’re alive.”

_But for how much longer?_

“There’s…” I swallowed thickly, looking away. “There’s something else.”

“What is it?”

“I… I wasn’t supposed…”

_I wasn’t supposed to bond with Kieron. I’m not supposed to be with Kieron._

But I couldn’t say it. Not to him. Not to someone else who loves Kieron, maybe as much as I do. No, that was a lie; Ashere couldn’t love him more than I did because we shared a bond. A bond he forced us to create because it was apparently foretold, but actually, it wasn’t. It wasn’t foretold or predetermined at all.

It was all one big mistake.

Something happened.

Exrie interfered, but I wasn’t sure how.

He interfered. Something happened, and somehow the events lined up perfectly for Kieron and I to meet that fateful night so long ago, in the woods after a night of drinking with John. I decided to take a shortcut; the first time I ever cut through the woods on the way home. The one time the thought ever materialized in my mind, the one time I ever gave into the impulse to take a short cut instead of the familiar, longer route.

The one time I caved and gave into the cold and the lure of an easy shortcut.

Something happened, and Kieron and I were unexpectedly in the same place at the same time.

Maybe we weren’t destined to be together, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Maybe this was fate’s way of getting us together, after all; maybe it fixed itself, realigned things so that we were in the same place at the same time. So that we met under those particular circumstances, despite what those walls said in Miitha Tiaydh. Despite the fact I should have bonded to Kaspen, a man I never met.

“Terry?”

I swallowed and shook my head. “Um… I need you to keep an eye out for a perpetual.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. His name is Kaspen.”

If the name was familiar, Ashere certainly didn’t show it. Then again he probably had an excellent poker face. He would easily steal all my money if we played against each other. “Kaspen? Why is he important?”

“He just is,” I said. “I can’t… I can’t explain right now, just… He’s animalistic, and he’s about nine-hundred-years-old. He was thrown in the Lake at some point. If… If Exrie has captured the Lake, then…”

“Then he might be free and working with Exrie.”

Not exactly the point I’d originally been trying to make, but it was actually something to worry about. Kaspen might be corrupted and evil and working with Exrie now.

I nodded. “So just keep an eye out, okay? Let me know if you hear anything about him. And… And keep an eye out for Exrie.”

“We’re always watching for him,” he said, like it should be obvious.

It was, really. But I still had to say it.

“Thank you,” I told him. “And I’m sorry again about, um… hurting you.”

He shrugged. “It’s in the past. As long as you don’t hurt him again, we can call it even.”

I smiled somewhat weakly. It was still so strange how much it angered me when faced with his feelings for Kieron. “I won’t hurt him. If I do, you have my permission to beat some sense into me.”

He offered a smile. “Challenge accepted.”

I nodded and he opened the door.

We exited and found Kieron and Bekkah waiting outside the cabin. Kieron caught my eye when we walked out the front door to join them, and then nodded farewell to Bekkah before he led the way away from the cabin.

I bid farewell to Bekkah and Ashere and followed after him.

We would go home, get some proper rest and spend time together, and then regroup when the Elders returned to Ethereal – if they ever did, despite how much I hated that particular thought – and come up with a plan of action to defeat Exrie.

A plan to defeat him _before_ he won.

 

 


	18. Strange Normalcy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written while under influence of my new meds, which make me very out of it. I sleep for 12 hours and wake up dizzy and exhausted with a constant background headache, which sucks. It makes it very hard to focus at all, which makes reading and writing difficult. So I of course apologize in advance for mistakes/inconsistencies/typos/etc. Maybe one day I'll get around to editing.

Chapter Eighteen: Strange Normalcy

 

The apartment was empty and cold. The power was shut off, though not through any fault of my own. The entire apartment complex seemed to be out of power, as was most of the block. There was a snow storm rampaging through town. Getting to the apartment without freezing solid was rather difficult considering we went into Ethereal with jackets and nothing else, and we lost the majority of everything we had when the ground gave way in Miitha Tiaydh. That left us vulnerable to weather upon returning, but thankfully we came out of the gateway nearby. Kieron was good at getting us to this one. I wasn’t sure if it was some unique perpetual ability, or simply because it was his job to be a gatekeeper, but it certainly came in handy.

I pulled off my half-frozen, torn clothes and pulled on something warmer and more comfortable. Kieron tugged off his destroyed clothes, pulled on some sweatpants and a long-sleeved shirt, and climbed under the covers. It was late anyway, so sleep was probably the best idea, but even after the long journey, my mind was still too active after everything that happened recently. Everything I had learned. Everything I had questions about, but wasn’t sure how to get answers.

Eventually, though, after laying there next to Kieron for hours, I did finally fall asleep.

I woke the next morning to heat. The power was back on, and I smelled pancakes. Grinning, I threw the covers off me and climbed out of bed, moving out of the room and into the kitchen. I was expecting to see Kieron, but not Tommy. What was he even doing here? How did he even know we were back?

My brother sat at the kitchen table and scanned me over with guarded eyes as I approached the table. Kieron stood scowling at my brother from near the stove, where he was finishing up his pancakes. He slapped them onto a large plate and brought the plate to the table. I sat across from Tommy, frowning at him.

“Hey,” I said slowly. “Um… how are you?”

“How could you just take off like that?” he all but snapped.

I flinched, realizing what it all must have sounded like to him. All he knew was I was upset because Kieron suddenly left, and then I dropped the phone. I forgot all about it until now, but suddenly I felt very, very guilty. “I’m sorry,” I said quietly, looking down at the stack of pancakes on the large plate in the middle of the table. Another plate was in front of me now. I carefully avoided Tommy’s gaze as I put some of the pancakes onto my plate.

Kieron, finally finished with the stove and cooking, joined us at the table, sitting next to me and yet also off to the side so he wasn’t directly across from Tommy.

“I thought something was wrong,” Tommy was saying when I tuned back into him, after Kieron had put a few pancakes onto his own plate. “You just disappeared, Terry. _Again_. After being upset with _him_.”

Kieron’s fork clanged loudly against the plate. I glanced over at him and found him snarling at Tommy. “I’m a little sick of this. We fought. Couples do that, or so I’m told. I don’t see how it’s any of your business.”

“How it’s any of my-? He’s my _brother_ ,” Tommy snapped. “That _makes_ it my business.”

“It really doesn’t,” I said quietly.

Tommy’s gaze toward me, his eyes wide. “You were upset,” he said. “You weren’t even making much sense, and then you just vanished. Left the phone on and everything. I could only hear background murmurs. By the time I got here everyone was gone.”

I winced. I honestly hadn’t thought about how it looked to him, but he did have a point. “That’s my fault,” I told him. “Don’t worry about it, okay? I… Yes, we argued, and I was worried and upset, and… but that’s what happens when people argue. Kieron’s right – that’s what couples do sometimes, and it’s none of your business. Things are fine now.”

His eyes narrowed somewhat. “Are they?”

I nodded, keeping silent as I looked back down at my plate.

Things were tense for a long moment. I kept looking down at my pancakes. The silence stretched on. Eventually Tommy sighed and sat back heavily in his chair, causing me to glance back over at him. His gaze was on the table now, too.

“Sorry. I was just worried. I don’t mean to be… nosy or anything,” he said quietly.

“I understand you worry about me, and I appreciate it,” I told him softly, “but please understand I’m an adult and you need to stop questioning Kieron like he’s the enemy. Kieron would never hurt me.”

“You seem so certain.”

“I am.”

I glanced over at Kieron to find him watching me carefully, before he looked back down at his food and started eating again.

And just like that, the conversation lulled and we all ate breakfast together like a normal family.

xXx

After Tommy left the conversation lapsed. Kieron sat on the couch, huddled in the corner with his knees pulled to his chest, face buried in his arms which were around his legs. His posture was stiff and rigid.

“Kie?” I asked quietly, joining him on the couch, hesitating before finally resting my hand on his shoulder. He didn’t brush me off like I thought he would.

“It’s moving again,” he muttered under his breath, so quietly I could barely hear him, felt his voice rumbling through my hand on his shoulder.

“It?” I echoed.

“Digging, piercing, prying… I want it out.”

“I know you do,” I murmured, swallowing thickly. “I’ll fix it, okay? We’ll get it out, I promise. We just… we’ll rest here for a bit, let things calm down, and then hunt down the rest of the Elders, okay? Does… Does that sound good, Kie?”

He grunted in response, which could have been a response or just a sound of frustrated pain, because his body tensed a little more and he buried his face more into his arms. I tightened my grip on his shoulder, unsure as to what I could do to help him at this point in time. All I could do was be there for him and hope we could get back to Ethereal soon. I also hoped being here, away from everything, would help him relax in some way. Staying there in Ethereal, near Miitha Tiaydh, wasn’t going to help him so I thought coming home would. It seemed to, at first – things were normal, for the most part, save for Tommy’s presence and the awkward start to breakfast. But now…

“I’m sorry,” I murmured.

“Not your fault,” he sighed heavily. “I’ll get used to it.”

_Get used to it…_

Just like he got used to pain.

I was growling before I even knew I was doing it. Kieron’s head snapped up and his dark blue eyes locked onto my own, narrowed in confusion.

“What?” he asked.

“You’re not going to get used to it.”

“Human-”

“ _No_ , that’s crazy. I won’t let it stay like this, okay?” I glared at him, holding his gaze as I tightened my grip yet again. “This is my fault – _like everything_ – and I’m going to fix it. We’ll get that _thing_ out of your head. I promise.”

He was quiet for a long moment, before he threw his head back and laughed, light and loud. Then he smiled faintly. “Good to know things are back to normal.”

“Normal? This is _normal_?”

How was any of this normal?

“Something wrong with me, you promising to fix every little thing,” he said with another laugh, still smiling.

“I’ll fix it,” I told him.

He chuckled and shook his head, and we slipped into a comfortable silence. Whatever was wrong with him a moment ago appeared to be better now – his body wasn’t nearly as rigid, and he wasn’t grimacing or anything.

“How is it?” I asked him. “The… whatever-it-is, I mean. In your head.”

“Like I said, not really painful, just – disorientating. It’s hard to explain. I just…”

“Want it out,” I finished for him, and he averted his gaze, nodding slowly, the smile and laughter gone. I missed it and regretted asking him, but I had to ask. I needed to understand what was wrong with him – what I’d done to him this time.

“I don’t… really want to talk about it,” he said quietly. “Makes it… more.”

“More,” I echoed, watching him.

He went silent and didn’t respond, leaving me sighing heavily.

“Alright – I won’t ask again. I’m sorry. Would you like to watch TV? Are you hungry?”

“We just ate.”

“Four hours ago,” I said. “It’s lunchtime. Are you hungry? I can fix something.”

“You? Cooking for me? The world’s ending.”

I rolled my eyes. “Ha-ha, very funny. I can cook, you know. I just… don’t like to.”

I got to my feet, left the couch and entered the kitchen.

“What would you like?”

“Whatever’s fine.”

xXx

The bed creaked.

My eyes opened to darkness. It was a cold, snowy night, nearly bright outside because of all the snow. Inside the furnace was just kicking on. The covers offered a warm cocoon but outside of it was a bit chilly. It took me a moment to realize why I woke, and I glanced over to find Kieron sitting up, his eyes glowing.

I smiled, until I realized why that didn’t seem quite right.

Instantly I was snarling, and those blue-white eyes looked over at me briefly, registering my presence.

“ _You_ ,” I hissed, sitting up, glaring into those too-familiar, too-foreign eyes. “What the fuck did you do to him, you asshole? _Get out of him_!”

This was that stupid voice, the one which possessed Kieron to show me the way into the Caverns of Knowledge. It was supposed to leave him after we left Miitha Tiaydh, but I knew it didn’t. I had just hoped it was something residual instead of the actual voice, that actual other presence which had overtaken Kieron’s mind. I’d hoped… And yet here it was, that stranger wearing Kieron’s face.

Those strange eyes blinked back at me silently.

“Get out of him,” I said again, glaring. “You said you would get out of him and you didn’t leave! You’re hurting him!”

“It is not pain he feels, but annoyance. He feels frustrated by our presence.”

Stupid voice, referring to itself as something plural instead of singular…

“Just get out of him,” I said. “Okay? Do you hear me? I want you out of him _right now_.”

“Something has gone wrong.”

“ _Obviously_ ,” I muttered. “Just get out of him.”

“We cannot. We regret-”

“I don’t fucking _care_ if you ‘regret’, just do it!”

“We cannot.”

“What the fuck does _that_ mean?”

“Something has gone wrong.”

“Yeah – you said that already. Fuck, just… Can you go away? I… Kieron. I want to talk to Kieron. How does this work? Are you still in him? Do you share…? What’s…?”

I had no idea what was happening at the moment. Or how to fix this, or what was even really wrong with him. Or them. Or whoever. Kieron and Not-Kieron. Fuck, I just wanted it to be _Kieron_. Why did this have to happen? It was my fault. This happened because of me. Always because of me.

And I was so tired of feeling like this – feeling so _guilty_. So tired of watching things happen to him like this, because of me. Something I could only watch and couldn’t help.

“Kieron,” I said quietly, swallowing thickly. “I want to talk to Kieron. Go away.”

“We cannot decipher what has happened to cause this if we are locked away all the time.”

“I don’t care – you’re in _his_ body, in _his_ mind, so let me talk to _him_.”

Those strange eyes blinked slowly, and then closed. They stayed closed for a long time, and then Kieron’s brow creased and they opened again. The strange hue was gone, replaced with a look of confusion as he looked at me.

“Kie?” I whispered, scooting closer. “That you?”

“What’s going on?” he murmured, brows furrowing further. “I… My head hurts.”

I released a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding, fingers curling in the covers still half encircling us, over our legs.

“How do you feel other than the headache?”

“Strange,” he said quietly, still looking so confused. He brought a hand up and rubbed at his head, wincing. “It’s… I’m confused. What’s…”

His eyes closed again and the brows stopped creasing.

Those eyes opened, filled with that hue again.

“No,” I hissed, “you go away! This is not your body, do you hear me? You don’t belong here. Go away and stay away.”

“We apologize, but we must learn what has happened to cause this, if we are to fix it. You do want to fix it, we assume?”

“Of course I do,” I said. “Alright, okay… fuck. Okay, what do we need to do? What can we do? Why are you… still here? What went wrong?”

“We are not certain. We should not have been stuck in this vessel.”

“He’s not a _vessel_. He’s _Kieron_.”

“We apologize. We meant no offense.”

Hearing that voice come out of Kieron’s mouth… his and yet not his all at once… it was just so strange, as was that glow to his eyes, and I hated it. Hated it so much, and I wished it would stop. I wished he would go back to normal.

I released a slow breath. “Just… figure this out soon. And please – leave him alone if you can. He… He’s been through enough.”

“We are aware. We also regret that we have caused him to suffer more. It was not our intention.”

That didn’t make it any better, of course. Hearing them mention how he was ‘suffering’ because of this just seemed to make it worse, somehow.

“Can I have Kieron back now, please?” I said quietly.

There was only the slightest hesitation, a moment’s pause, before the eyes closed and Kieron’s brow furrowed again. He slumped sideways before catching himself, his normal eyes snapping open to look around in bewildered confusion. I slipped closer to him, sealing my mouth over his own before he could utter a word, and I felt him relax against me.

“I’ll fix this,” I told him quietly. “I promise. Just… It’ll be okay.”

His response was to kiss me silent.

xXx

We didn’t speak of it the next morning. The incident. The fact that voice took him over again. We didn’t bring it up once. Instead I woke early, slipped out of bed, and started breakfast. Bacon and eggs. Kieron joined me when it was almost finished, the scent obviously getting to him. He kissed lightly at the back of my neck, in passing, before sitting at the table. I smiled at him and turned the burners off on the stove, putting the last of the bacon strips onto the large plate.

Once we were settled at the table, we ate in a comfortable silence. It reminded me of simpler times; times when Kieron wasn’t not quite himself. Times when things were relatively normal, or as normal as things could get with us. Instead, things _weren’t_ normal, even if we had this minor lull in everything at the moment. There was still something very wrong, something neither of us were too keen to address.

Kieron outright told me he didn’t want to talk about it, so I wouldn’t bring it up. If he wished to discuss what happened last night, or anything about that voice, he could mention it. But if he wanted to stay silent on the matter, that was fine, too.

I just wanted things to be okay again. To go back to normal. Or, rather, our version of normal.

Tommy would consider my ‘normal’ life crazy, but to me it was normal. Going back and forth to Ethereal with Kieron, the bond… it was all normal to me.

In the meantime, though, there was an elephant in the room, and not very well hidden. It was something we didn’t discuss, but we both knew it was there. So far, the voice hadn’t taken him over again, but it was always there, lurking in the back of his mind. Occasionally he’d get this faraway look in his eyes, or would wince or rub at his head, but when I looked at him he just blinked back at me or looked away.

He didn’t wish to discuss it, and I had to grant him his privacy. It was my fault he was currently sharing a mind and body, after all.

Something bristled within me, but it wasn’t something I needed to be worrying about, really. Yes, there was _something_ inside of Kieron. Sharing his thoughts, memories, mind, body. And a part of me was a little jealous – that voice was seeing things I would never know about him. It was with him in a way I could never be. And yet I shouldn’t have felt jealous because this was unwanted, on Kieron’s part. And it was unnatural, the way this voice was with him. Unnatural and wrong and it was my fault.

The aggressive part of me was _jealous_ of this presence in his mind, sharing everything in a way I couldn’t, but it had no right to be. I had no right to feel this way. If anything, I should only feel immense guilt, which I did, but there was also the jealousy from that irrational, possessive part of my mind. And I hated it.

I had never been particularly possessive or anything about relationships before I got with Kieron. It was because I was the aggressor. Something unlocked in my mind that I didn’t fully understand. I still struggled to get used to things, to calm my mind and everything, but I failed a lot. First with saying those hurtful things to Kieron, overreacting to the bond being closed, nearly killing Ashere because he had the audacity to talk to Kieron when he and I were fighting…

I hated feeling like this.

Kieron nudged my shoulder. I glanced over at him from where we sat on the couch, watching TV. His eyes were narrowed into thin dark lines. “Knock it off,” he said.

I shrugged. “Sorry. I just… I feel like all I do is…” I broke off, chewing on my lower lip momentarily as I averted my gaze, struggling to find the words. “All I do is cause you grief.”

“Human-”

“No, seriously,” I said, shaking my head, cutting him off. “Think about it. You’re hunted because of me. You’ve been hurt, badly, several times because of me. You’ve been _tortured_ because of me. You’ve nearly died because of me. You… And now you’re possessed, _because of me_.”

“Are you done?” he asked, watching me carefully, calmly. There was a tone to his voice I couldn’t quite identify. It was low, but not angry. Usually when I went into moods like this, blaming myself and feeling guilty for essentially ruining his life, he grew quickly irritated and told me to knock it off and think happier things. Now, though…

“Kieron… I’m sorry.”

“Fuck, stop _apologizing_ all the time,” he said, rolling his eyes, but his tone still wasn’t angry. More neutral than anything.

“I’m serious.”

“So am I.”

“Kieron-”

“Alright, fine. Would my life be easier without you? Yes.”

I snapped my mouth shut, swallowing thickly as I stared at him.

Those eyes watched me carefully. “Would I be hunted if we weren’t bonded? No. Would I have been tortured? Probably, at some point. I’m still a perpetual; screamers still hate us. Would I have nearly died? Probably, at some point. Again – screamers hate perpetuals and they have the weapons. It stands to reason I would run into them eventually, anyway. How’s all this going for you? Everything you wanted to hear?”

“W-What?”

“If you weren’t bonded to me, you’d be tied to someone else. We weren’t supposed to bond and yet here we are. Would you be happier with Kaspen?”

“ _What_? No!” I said, frowning at him. “Why would you think…?”

“I could get angry, if that’s what you would prefer, at the fact we bonded when we didn’t have to. I could rage and yell and storm out of here, but we share a bond and that’s not going to change. Even if I wanted to leave, I can’t because what’s done is done. And, fun fact: I actually kind of like it here.”

“You…” I swallowed thickly. “You do?”

“The couch is comfy.”

“O-Oh?”

His lips twitched into a small half-smile. “The bed’s comfy, too.”

I smiled back, feeling a tiny bit lighter. He liked it here. He really liked it here at the apartment, with me. He was also right, of course. What happened was in the past, and we couldn’t change it. Perhaps if we hadn’t bonded he would be safer, but then again, who knew what would have happened had we never met. He could have still been captured and even killed by the Screamers and Exrie. I would have been bonded to someone else, and imagining myself with someone that wasn’t Kieron was… _unpleasant._

I would try to keep from thinking about it. Try to keep from imagining how differently things could have gone. I always thought on the past, though, and how one little thing might have made a huge difference. I did it when Mom died, I did it when Dad and I had our first real argument, the last time we spoke, when I first met Kieron…

I needed to stop doing that, of course. It was in the past and dwelling on it wouldn’t help anyway. I needed to focus on the present, and right now Kieron and I were together and that wasn’t going to change, nor did I want it to change. I would never wish for that particular aspect to change.

“I love you,” I told him.

He smiled again, wider this time.

For some reason that felt like progress. I knew he wouldn’t say it back, at least not yet, but it felt like we were slowly getting there. These things took time.

We settled next to each other and turned our focus back toward the TV.

xXx

“Happy Birthday,” Tommy said as soon as I answered the phone the next day.

I frowned and then realized my birthday was a while ago, while we were in Miitha Tiaydh. With everything that had happened I had completely forgotten about it.

“Sorry I didn’t say it sooner,” he said. “I was worried when you were gone and I guess it just slipped my mind until now. I’m sorry.”

Tommy had never forgotten my birthday. Occasionally we wouldn’t speak on my birthday due to him being busy or myself being busy and celebrating on my own, with John and Rufus, but he’d always remembers and wished me a happy birthday the day before or after, if he couldn’t on the exact day.

“It’s fine,” I said. “I forgot too.”

“Forgot what?” Kieron asked amicably as he entered the bedroom, running a towel through his hair, naked from the waist up, clad only in sweatpants sticking to the outline of his damp, hot skin after his shower. I watched him approach the bed, where I was sitting.

“My birthday,” I said somewhat absently, watching him. This was the most naked I’d seen him in a long time, save for when our clothes were wet in Miitha Taiydh, and when I helped him after we left that place, cleaning him up and attempting to wash the red from his clothes, to no avail.

It was the most naked he’d been a while around me, and heat flared in my groin, leaving me swallowing thickly. The sight of him like this so close to me and the scent of the soap and shampoo mixed with his natural musk were getting to me, leaving me unable to look away for the time being.

I missed him like this. So much.

“I’ll call you back,” I said to Tommy.

“Wait!” he said quickly, and I sighed, impatiently waiting for him to continue speaking as I continued eying Kieron. By this point Kieron had dropped the towel from his hair and had turned toward the dresser, pulling out a comfortable T-shirt. “I know Kieron is probably seducing you or something but Lacy wants to go out to dinner tonight around five. Is that okay?”

“Sure, fine.”

He sighed. “Alright, then go ahead and-”

I hit the disconnect button and slid across the bed toward Kieron, pulling the shirt from his hands. His dark blue eyes traveled from the shirt, to my hands, and up toward my face as he frowned somewhat.

“I… I just, um… i-it’s been a while.”

He blinked slowly in acknowledgment.

“I… missed you. I… Fuck, Kieron, I didn’t realize how…”

I didn’t realize how unstable I was until now.

My pulse was racing, my thoughts were a whirlwind, and it was hard to focus on anything except him.

His eyes flashed bright for a second, then back to his usual color, then finally bright again as my hands dropped his shirt and instead moved to travel across his bare, still slightly damp chest, his skin still flushed from the shower. I missed that bright hue, and not the too-light glow of that other presence.

Before I realized I was moving, I pulled him toward me and connected our mouths in a somewhat harsh kiss, but at the moment I was being guided by instinct and a physical yearning, not rational thought. The bond liked to torment me like this. I was fine until he took a shower. I was fine until he was this close to me like this.

Now all I needed was a more physical connection. I needed to feel him, taste him, needed-

“Bite me,” I murmured against his mouth, suddenly realizing what I wanted.

He went stiff for a moment and I wondered if I said the wrong thing, but then he gave into a low chuckle and dipped his head lower, lips leaving my mouth to instead allow teeth to connect to that too-sensitive spot on my neck, nipping lightly, enough to bruise skin but not enough to bite through it.

The burst of pleasure which shot through me was not unexpected but still managed to catch me by surprise. A soft sigh of content slid past my lips as my eyes fell shut and my head tipped back, my arms encircling him, holding him tighter to me. He allowed me to do so, surprisingly, but at the moment all I could really focus on was the fact his mouth was over the mark of our bond, the mark of where he claimed me, and it felt _so fucking good_.

So good because it had been such a long time. So good because I thought I ruined everything. So good because a distant part of me had wondered if this would ever happened again, or if he would forever keep his distance. I crushed him to me, unable to suppress the quiet moan from escaping my lips when he bit deeper and then flicked his tongue over the wounded area, instantly soothing any nonexistent ache.

By now I was so hard it was painful, the way my jeans kept my erection from moving anywhere. We’d been getting ready to go out for a late breakfast and to go to the store since we needed food and everything, but that would have to wait now because right now I needed this. I needed this, wanted this, and I knew he felt the same.

My hands slipped down the smooth flesh of his sides before pushing the hem of his sweatpants down past his hips, then thighs, and finally off of him altogether, dragging the underwear off as well. He was hard, too. So wonderfully, beautifully hard and I wanted so badly to touch him. Touch him and hold him and never let go.

His fingers unfastened and unzipped my pants, easing them off my legs along with my underwear.

His lips and teeth reconnected with my neck just as his hand wrapped solidly around my throbbing hardness, and I was lost to the burst of absolute pleasure that followed.

xXx

“We should get dressed.”

Kieron’s voice roused me from my light slumber, my body nestled against his, my head on his shoulder. I blinked heavy eyelids open. “Hmm?”

“It’s almost five.”

“So?”

“So – isn’t that when your brother’s coming?”

“What do you – oh, _fuck_.”

I completely forgot the fact my brother and Lacy were supposed to be coming by to take us to eat, for my birthday. My birthday even I forgot about this year. Things were entirely too chaotic right now. I was also very comfortable against Kieron like this and I didn’t want to move. The bed was soft and warm and Kieron was… well, _Kieron_.

“Time is it?”

“Ten ‘til five.”

I sighed heavily. “Right. We do need to get dressed, then.”

Neither of us made a move to leave the bed, or even sit up, both of us rather content at the moment. I couldn’t see his face from this angle, but I imagined a serene look on his face, and it made me smile.

A few minutes passed. Finally I managed to push myself into a sitting position only to have Kieron immediately growl and yank me back down to him, leaving me releasing a shocked breath.

“Kie?”

“Sorry,” he said, and I tilted my head enough to see his face. The brows above his bright eyes were drawn together and his lips twisted into a frown. “Don’t… go far.”

He wasn’t entirely in control. We just had sex hours ago. Well, the last bout of sex. We did it a few times, with fervor. It seemed I wasn’t the only one who seemed unsettled by the previous distance between us. A part of me was insanely happy about this.

The other part was worried how he would react when Tommy and Lacy got here.

“Stay at my side the whole time. I can control myself enough not to attack anyone.”

I nodded slowly. “Can I sit up now?”

“Yes.”

I sat up again, looking down at him and his perfect eyes.

“Sorry,” he said again.

“What? Why?”

“I should be more in control.”

I shook my head. “You know I don’t mind, Kieron. It was… It’s been hard for both of us.”

He grunted in response, closing his too-bright eyes.

I slid out of bed but remained standing next to him on his side of the bed, keeping my fingers lightly brushing against his wrist as I used my other hand to dig through the dresser, pulling out some clean clothes.

Kieron’s collection of clothing was growing, I noted with a smirk. The dresser was his, the closet mine. He argued, at first, about having a dresser to himself, so we started with a drawer. He could put anything he wanted in it, not just clothes. Steadily his collection of clothing and other things grew. He had one drawer filled with unread books he would soon start reading, another with books he’d already read, and two with clothes.

I handed him some clothes and he nodded that it was okay for me to leave to go around the bed toward my closet so I could get my own clothes. Not that I didn’t mind wearing his clothes, of course. In fact I rather liked the thought of it, but nevertheless I pulled clothes from the closet and tugged them on.

By the time we were dressed there was a knock at the door.

He followed me through the kitchen into the living room as I moved to answer the door. It opened to reveal Tommy.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hi,” I replied with a smile.

“Ready?”

I nodded. “Let me get my shoes.”

Our shoes were near the door since it was winter and we didn’t want to track water everywhere, leaving us to step in it with our socks. The only rooms in the apartment with hardwood floors were the kitchen and bathroom, but still, we kept our shoes near the door in winter.

We slipped on our shoes and followed Tommy out of the apartment and toward Lacy’s car. Amanda cooed happily in the center of the backseat, leaving Kieron and I on either side of her, but I kept my leg over the middle of the floor, keeping in slight contact with Kieron at all times, just in case. I didn’t actually think he’d hurt anyone, but I also knew this would help him, even if it was only a little, and that was what mattered.

“So how did you and Kieron spend your birthday?” Lacy asked as we pulled away from the apartment.

“Um… we traveled,” I said.

“Oh? Where to?”

“Just… around,” I said. “Not really anywhere in particular. Camped by a river.”

“Camping? That’s amazing!” Lacy gushed happily. “I love camping! Why don’t we ever do that anymore, baby?” she asked, looking at Tommy, who scowled.

“I am not paying money to sleep on the ground.”

“We don’t have to go to a campground.”

“We aren’t staying on the ground somewhere random. That’s unsafe.”

Lacy stuck her lower lip out and pouted, but the effect was lost on Tommy since he was driving and his gaze was focused on the road. I had a good view of it, however, and laughed quietly.

It was good to be back among family and everything, where things were at least slightly normal.

I missed this. I missed feeling like this, content and relaxed, with Kieron.

The drive to the restaurant didn’t take very long, the ride filled with idle chatter until we pulled into the parking lot. From there we went inside and found a table. It was a steakhouse, one of my favorites. I grinned the whole way inside, especially when Kieron told me to stop smiling like an idiot.

We got a table and the waitress took our drink order before she walked away. Amanda cooed in her highchair between Tommy and Lacy, at our round table.

“So,” Lacy said conversationally as she flipped through her menu, “twenty-five. How do you feel?”

“Same as always,” I told her.

I never understood why people asked if you felt differently on your birthday, or if you felt older. One day didn’t really make a difference in age, right? I of course wouldn’t feel any different just because yesterday I was younger than today. It made no sense.

“How was your trip with Kieron, then?”

“It was fine,” I said. “Happy to be home, though.”

This was entirely true.

Lacy looked over the top of her menu at Kieron. “Did you have fun?”

“It was fine,” he said, echoing my words.

“It’s always good to be back home, though,” she said, nodding as her gaze returned to her menu. “It was always nice to get away for a while but home is home and it will always be the best.”

I smiled, agreeing with her. “Yes.”

We ordered our food when the waitress returned, and spent the hour eating, talking, and laughing.

It was the most normal I’d felt in a long time.

xXx

Sadly, all good things had to eventually end.

My good mood and good evening was ruined the minute we returned to the apartment and closed the door behind us to find Ashere sitting on the couch, waiting for us. Immediately a growl lodged in my throat, because previously I’d been all ready to go to bed with Kieron and do things other than sleep, and he was warm and solid behind me, but instead Ashere was here and I knew this small bit of normalcy would end.

Life didn’t seem to want to give us a break.

“Ashere,” Kieron said amiably enough.

“Kieron,” Ashere replied with a smile. “I see you have your contacts again.”

He seemed pleased that Kieron was using his ‘gift’. How did he even know, though? I knew because Kieron was _mine_ , and I knew those contacts were a slightly lighter color than his normal hue. Then again, Ashere and Kieron had been friends for centuries; of course he could tell the difference.

I was being paranoid again because of this aggressive part of me.

“What do you want, Ashere? Has something happened?”

“Dettere’s returned,” Ashere said. “But not the others.”

Dettere was one of the three Elders who went with us to Miitha Tiaydh.

“What happened to the others?” I asked.

“They’re dead.”

“Dead?” Kieron echoed, frowning as he stood next to me.

“According to Dettere,” Ashere said. “We didn’t feel them die because of the unstable gateway, remember? But he did. He says they’re dead and he was in pretty bad shape when we found him. He managed to stumble through the gateway but I’m fairly certain he left half his entrails in Miitha Tiaydh.”

Bile rose in my throat and I swallowed it down. This was not something I wanted to hear after just eating.

“So they’re dead,” I said slowly. “Okay, um… how’s Miitha Tiaydh? How’s Dettere?”

“Dettere is recovering. He was fine when he told me to get you.”

_To get us._

“So we have to go back?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer.

Ashere shrugged. “Sorry. I’m just the messenger.”

“You never were a good errand boy,” Kieron said, smirk evident in his voice.

Ashere rolled his dark brown eyes before his gaze settled on me. “And I asked about that guy – Kaspen.”

Kieron stiffened at my side. Ashere frowned.

“Do you know him?” Ashere asked.

“No,” Kieron said somewhat stiffly. “I have no idea who he is. I’ve just recently heard the name, that’s all. Continue.”

Ashere watched him for a moment, before he shrugged. “Well, I asked around. He was thrown in the Lake a while ago for going on a rampage. He’s got a bit of a record but everything is surprisingly classified. I can’t find much about him at all. I asked Dettere, but he became tight-lipped on me.”

So Dettere knew about Kaspen. He probably even knew Kaspen and Kieron were related. He maybe even knew Kaspen was supposed to bond with me. Maybe that was why everyone seemed so dubious about my bond with Kieron at first.

“He must have done something to be this classified,” Kieron said. “If _you_ can’t get information about him.”

I wondered what was running through my perpetual’s head right now. What he was thinking about this brother he never knew he had.

“Like I said, everything’s classified,” Ashere said, shrugging. “I’ll let you know if I learn anything new, but I find it unlikely. He’s in the Lake, anyway.”

“Unless he’s out and he’s with Exrie,” I muttered before wincing, because this was something I hadn’t really discussed with Kieron yet. “I mean… Exrie _did_ capture the Lake, right?”

“Yes,” Ashere said, nodding. “That is a concern. I’ll keep looking. In the meantime, you two have two days before you’re due back in Ethereal to meet with Dettere.”

“I miss the old days when I was invisible to everyone,” Kieron sighed, scrubbing a hand across his face, brows furrowed. He looked exhausted. “Never got summoned then.”

“You’re popular now, Kie,” Ashere said with a smirk. “Cheer up.”

“I will when the Elders get off my ass.”

“I don’t think Terry would let them on your ass.”

I burst out laughing, unable to stop the sound from escaping at that moment. Ashere rarely joked around in my presence. I knew he had a sense of humor, as he’d been at least a little humorous and kind when we first met, before he made me and Kieron bond. Since then, though… I hadn’t really heard him joke while in my presence, and to hear him joking about _this_ …

“Are you done?” Kieron asked when I managed to compose myself.

I grinned at him. “Yes. And Ashere is completely right. No Elder is getting on your ass. You smack them if they try.”

“You two are _agreeing_ now?” Kieron asked, staring at me, then at Ashere, then back at me. “What is _wrong_ with you two?”

“Nothing,” Ashere said. “You’re too sensitive, Kie. Anyway, I’m supposed to meet Bekkah in an hour.”

“Oh?” I asked. “Why didn’t she come here?”

“She wanted to go shopping.”

Kieron blanched. “Oh, Alpha. Don’t let that woman take you with her. Your dignity will never recover.”

Ashere smirked. “Yeah, she told me all about your little outing together. She’s looking forward to stealing you away again.”

“Fuck that.”

Ashere laughed.

I stared at him.

He looked – happy. For the first time since I met him, he seemed actually content. Happy. At peace. And in my presence no less. His gaze still lingered on Kieron a little too long, and he smiled a little too much at him, but he seemed happy and light of mood, and it was all so strange.

“I’ll talk to you in two days,” Ashere said as he moved toward the door. “I apologize for entering without your consent – I know you humans find that rude.”

“Most people find it rude,” Kieron said with a smirk.

“But we do it anyway,” Ashere finished, and the two shared a quick laugh. “Anyway, I’ll talk to you then.”

I watched him leave, and when the door closed behind him, I turned to look at Kieron, who was still smirking.

“What was that all about?” I asked.

Kieron shrugged. “Not sure, but it’s good to see him smile again.”

There’s a note of _fondness_ in his voice which both left me smiling and left me fighting the urge to growl because _mine_.

 _Mine_.

Primal instinct, primal need.

 _Mine_.

I took in a slow breath. “I don’t know about you, but it’s been a long… week.”

Kieron grunted in agreement.

I faced him, smiling at him. “Thanks for tonight.”

“I haven’t done anything,” he said, expression furrowing in confusion.

I chuckled and shook my head, closing the distance between us, connecting our mouths in a heated kiss.

A moment later my fingers were tangled in his hair, our bodies pressed solidly together until we were one being instead of two, and that was all that mattered.

When his mouth connected to my neck, I was lost to a sea of bliss.

 


	19. Shadow of Miitha Tiaydh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this story is roughly half-over, I think. It's been fun so far but it's getting more and more difficult with each update, each one taking longer and seeming less... well-written, I guess. I blame the meds, I guess. But at least now this site is caught up with story :3

Chapter Nineteen: Shadow of Miitha Tiaydh

 

Kieron’s teeth bit at my neck, leaving me breathless. The fact he was currently inside of me as well didn’t help me catch my breath, either, especially after our previous absence from one another. Being without him was – _wrong_. I didn’t wish to go through it ever again. I would make sure I never slipped up again and called him an _animal_.

“Kieron,” I breathed when I was finally able to do so, smiling lazily as he pulled away enough for me to see his face. His eyes were all bright and aglow, that careful, silenced snarl hidden behind his lips, and I loved it all. That bright hue, and not the blue-white hue from those walls, or that voice. This was all just pure Kieron.

We climaxed at roughly the same time, and collapsed onto the covers breathily. I rolled toward him, looking at him as he now lay on his back, limbs sprawled about, eyes closed and this languid expression on his face. I took in the sight for a moment, before smiling to myself, scooting closer so we were touching, and allowing my own eyes to fall shut, content to remain here next to him until we could stay here no longer.

We were going to leave tomorrow evening. In the morning, Tommy and Lacy were going to take us to lunch. They wanted to do breakfast but Kieron said he didn’t feel like getting up early. I hoped that meant he was just not looking forward to returning to Ethereal and wanted to sleep the day away if possible, and not that he truly wasn’t feeling well. I hoped he was okay. As okay as he could get when he was being possessed, anyway. The only good news, or silver lining, was that when we got back to Ethereal we could speak to Dettere or the other Elders and figure out how to get that voice out of Kieron’s head.

Thankfully I hadn’t noticed it taking over since it had before, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t a struggle for him sometimes. He seemed to have a perpetual scowl on his face during the waking hours, and complained of a mild headache. Not truly painful, he said, just very annoying. The work of that unwanted presence in his mind, sifting through his thoughts and memories, the worst kind of violation.

And I did that to him.

“Human.”

“Sorry,” I sighed, opening my eyes to find Kieron watching me, his eyes still so very, wonderfully bright. I smiled. “Happy thoughts, right?”

“Mm. Do you even _have_ any happy thoughts? You’re always worrying about something.”

“I have you,” I said, smirking at the way his expression twisted into a mild scowl.

“Seriously, human?”

“I couldn’t resist, sorry,” I said, laughing quietly, shifting a little closer to him, more into his side. “But seriously, yes. I have a lot of happy thoughts. I’m not a sad person. I just… worry. Because I care. You know that, right?”

He sighed, eyes closing again. “I know, human.”

I smiled, watching him carefully, the way his expression relaxed the further he slipped off to sleep. He looked so calm and peaceful right now, but suddenly there was a crease in his brow. He sighed, brows furrowing more.

“Again?” I asked quietly, smile quickly dispersing.

He grunted in response. I knew he didn’t want to talk about it, but this was driving me crazy, seeing him in distress and unable to do anything about it, even discuss it properly. I had no idea what he was going through, what was happening to him. I just wished I could help in some way, but he never gave me the opportunity because he didn’t want to talk about it, and that was fine, of course. It was his privacy, which was currently being denied to him due to that presence in his mind.

Again that touch of jealousy flared up.

“What’s it like?” I finally asked.

One tired, bright blue eye opened to peer at me. “Hmm?”

“The, er… presence,” I said. “What’s it like?”

“Human…”

“I know you don’t want to talk about it, Kieron, but it’s driving me crazy. I… I need to know what I did to you so I know how to fix it.”

“First of all, _you_ didn’t do this to me,” he said with that familiar, irritated scowl which instantly left this sort of relief flooding through me, “and I don’t want to talk about it. Thinking about it makes it more… _there_.”

“I know you don’t, Kie, but… please. Just for a minute. I won’t ask again.”

“That’s a lie and you know it.”

“Kieron, please,” I said, sitting up, looking down at him carefully as his other eye finally opened, giving me his full attention. “I need to know what’s going on if I’m going to try and fix it, okay? I just… I know this is hard, but…”

He sighed heavily. “Fine. Ask.”

“What’s it like? The… presence, I mean. In your mind. Like… can you feel it moving?”

“It’s not physical, really, but yes, I can feel it… _digging_.”

“Digging?”

“Deeper into my thoughts. It’s going through my memories. I don’t know if that’s what it wants to do or if it’s accidental, but either way, I don’t like it.”

I winced. “I’m sorry. Does it hurt?”

“Not really. Just… feels very odd. Borderline painful but not really physical, again. It’s hard to explain. It’s like there’s this constant argument in my head, swirling of thoughts that aren’t mine, things I said and things I didn’t say, and it’s all very disorientating.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want your pity.”

“It’s not pity, I just… I’m sorry. This is my fault.”

“Not this again.”

“Kieron…”

He sat up, watching me. “I’m tired of you blaming yourself for everything. Did you tell this thing to stay inside of me?”

“What? _No!_ ” I said, staring at him.

“Then you have nothing to apologize for. You didn’t do this to me. It just happened. Life goes on.”

“Yeah, but… but everything seems to be happening to _you_ , and I know it’s at least partially because of _me_ because if it weren’t for me you wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place.”

“We already had this discussion,” he said, expression twisted, irritated.

“I know, sorry, I just… I wish it wasn’t like this.”

“Wishing isn’t going to change anything. Life goes on.”

“I’ll fix it,” I told him.

“So you’ve said.”

“I mean it. I’ll talk to Dettere, see what he knows. We’ll find all the other Elders if we have to. Fuck, we’ll even find _Kaspen_ if it will help.”

Kieron went silent for a moment, watching me carefully, eyes narrowed. “Do you not want to find my brother?”

Did I want to meet Kaspen, the perpetual I was _supposed_ to be bonded to? I wasn’t sure. It would be interesting to meet Kieron’s brother, the brother he never knew he had, and Kieron at least deserved the chance to meet him. Kaspen was animalistic as well, and older; maybe he would have some advice for Kieron. Then again he was also thrown in the Lake, and Ashere said he did some bad things, and was very classified and hard to get information on. I’d ask Dettere when we saw him, but beyond that… I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to meet Kaspen.

A part of me was certain it would only complicate matters. Another part knew that, on some level, we needed to find Kaspen. Enemy or ally, he might at least have some answers, or something. He was worth looking for and talking to, at the very least.

And yet…

“I don’t know,” I finally said, shaking my head. “Not really. I know he’s your brother and everything, but I just… I don’t know if I trust him.”

“Hard to trust someone you’ve never met.”

“I know, but still, I just… have a bad feeling about this.” I took in a slow breath, watching him. “What do you think? He’s your brother.”

“I thought Kleo was my only sibling,” Kieron said, frowning. “Kaspen might be related to me by blood but I’ve never met him. He’s nothing to me.”

“That’s…”

 _A little harsh_ , I was going to say, but that seemed wrong. I agreed with Kieron. Kaspen was nothing me, too, even though I was supposed to bond with him instead of Kieron. It seemed harsh to condemn family, but Kieron had a point. He’d never met Kaspen, never even knew he had a brother, so why should he feel any kinship with him?

“We’ll ask Dettere,” I said. “We can go from there, if you want.”

Kieron went silent for a long moment, before he shrugged and lay back down. “If it’s all the same to you, I’d rather not stir up trouble. If we can find him easily, fine, we’ll meet him if he’s out of the Lake and he’s not crazy and evil. If not, then that’s his loss, isn’t it?”

I smiled down at him and nodded, watching him close his eyes, expression relaxing as he slowly fell asleep in the comfort of our bed.

The covers were all pushed around from our earlier activities. I cleaned up what I could, pulled on some underwear, and joined Kieron in bed, pulling the cover over us both before settling against his side.

I closed my eyes and fell asleep within minutes.

xXx

I woke to the smell of pancakes. Grinning even before my eyes opened, I sat up and climbed out of bed to find Kieron putting the plates on the small kitchen table. He tossed me a quick smile, and in that moment, I was very happy. Content. At peace.

Everything was so blissfully normal in that moment. Domestic, even. Kieron, being domestic. The thought was so absurd I laughed, and he tossed me a scowl as he sat at the table.

“Not laughing at you,” I assured him, grinning as I joined him at the table. “Thanks for breakfast.”

“You have this uncanny ability of waking when the food is finished.”

I shrugged. “I’m just that awesome.”

Pancakes were always delicious, but these were Kieron’s pancakes, and they were the best. Dad used to make pancakes every Sunday. These reminded me of them a lot, but also seemed better somehow. They were fluffy and cooked lightly and had this wonderful golden glow. They were amazing.

We finished breakfast soon enough and I tossed him a smirk.

“Is this why you didn’t want Tommy to take us for breakfast? You wanted to cook for me?”

He shifted somewhat in his seat, looking away with this small scowl.

“That’s adorable,” I said, grinning.

“Well – I missed your birthday. This seemed… appropriate.”

“This is for my birthday?”

“Humans celebrate it, right? Your brother celebrated with food. I thought that was what you were supposed to do?”

Now he looked confused, with that little furrow in his brow as he looked back at me, and I grinned back at him.

“I love you,” I said happily. “Yes, food is fine for a gift. There’s usually always food involved, or some kind of meal, even a cake. Your pancakes are delicious and I accept your gracious gift.”

He rolled his eyes.

“Thank you, Kieron,” I said more sincerely, grin dying down to a sincere smile, and his expression softened somewhat, that furrow disappearing as he nodded. “When did we say your birthday was, again?”

“I don’t know. Sometime in March.”

“Right,” I said, remembering. “March… Did we say a date?”

“Don’t think so.”

“Oh.” We’d have to think of one.

“It’s not important,” Kieron said. “It’s a lie anyway.”

I shrugged. “As far as my family is concerned, that’s your birthday. That’s when we’re gonna celebrate it.”

He shifted somewhat uncomfortably. “You don’t have to.”

“We’re going to.”

“I supposed I can’t talk you out of this?”

“Nope,” I said, smirking at him, and he sighed.

“Fine, then. You can cook for me.”

I smiled and nodded even though I would plan a few other things as well. This would technically be his first birthday we’d be celebrating, after all. We had to make it count, had to make it perfect.

He’d never been celebrated before, after all. I would show him how people should have been treating him all along, especially his own family.

Which brought us back to Kaspen.

Kaspen was Kieron’s biological brother. I knew what that meant for me – that meant Tommy. And I loved Tommy and couldn’t imagine life without him. But would I feel such a kinship for him if we’d never met until now? I couldn’t say, because it was Tommy and I grew up with him. I couldn’t imagine growing up without him, and only now finding out about him. I could only imagine how this was for Kieron.

But, like he said, he felt nothing for Kaspen. Why would he, when the two had never even met?

xXx

Kieron napped until time for Lacy and Tommy to pick us up. I figured he was tired from getting up early to make me pancakes, which was awesome. I loved his pancakes, and the fact he made them for my birthday, for me specifically, was amazing. To think, I went to so close to ruining everything we had, and he made me pancakes.

He woke rubbing at his head. I knew he had a headache even though he didn’t say anything. I couldn’t feel any phantom aches, which bothered me. Not that I liked feeling pain, but I hated the fact this was apparently a type of pain he couldn’t share, so it was lessened on his end. I hated not being able to help him.

We didn’t go anywhere fancy when we went to eat, just a small restaurant not far from the apartment. It was cheap and fast but had good food. It was a family owned diner I’d only been to a few times, but it was always decent when I went.

We ordered and Lacy smiled at us.

“So back to base, huh?” she asked.

“Yes,” I said, shrugging. “Looks like it.”

“Do you always go with him?”

“Um… I like to,” I said uncertainly. How was I supposed to answer this without upsetting someone? It was clear she liked that I went with him, but I knew Tommy wasn’t very fond of the idea of me going with Kieron all the time, mostly because he knew where we were actually going.

“That’s so cute,” she said, grinning. “You’re lucky to have him, Kieron.”

Kieron tilted his head to the side in response, watching her and then shifting his gaze toward me, before back to her. He shrugged slowly, and the waitress returned with our drinks.

After she left again, Lacy glanced at Tommy. “Do you want to tell them, or shall I?”

“You can,” he said, in that tone of voice I used to hate. He always used to get so ‘lovey-dovey’ around Lacy. After finally having met Kieron, and being in love myself, I understood and appreciated the tone more, but I could still easily recognize it.

_Oh, this is gonna be good._

I hadn’t quite heard him sound like that since Amanda was born.

Lacy flashed the both of us a grin. “You’re going to be an uncle.”

“I’m already an uncle,” I said, quirking a brow.

“We’re planning on having another baby,” Lacy gushed. “Soon.”

“Oh, that’s awesome,” I said, grinning. “I’m happy for you.”

Tommy always wanted a family, with a minimum of two kids. Lacy wanted a million if she could get away with it. I was happy things were going well for them, and happy they were planning on having their second child.

“When did you want to have it?”

“Hopefully before Amanda’s two,” Lacy said. “We want a big family, and we don’t want them very far apart. Otherwise they won’t share very many interests.”

“We want three kids,” Tommy said.

“Yes,” Lacy agreed, smiling happily, “three seems like the perfect number.”

“I’m happy for you,” I said again.

Kieron was silent throughout this exchange. It didn’t escape Lacy’s notice, as her gaze went toward him.

“What do you think?”

He stiffened, frowning. “About…?”

“Another kid,” she said.

“It’s your family,” he said uncertainly, glancing at me.

I smiled.

“You’re family too,” Lacy said stubbornly.

Kieron just looked even more confused. It was tragically adorable, honestly. Tragic because he never really had a family. Adorable because – that expression was just adorable. And yes I was using ‘adorable’, but it was true, and there was no other way to describe that confused little pout as he glanced at me.

“Kieron’s happy for you, too,” I said, deciding to have mercy on my perpetual. “Right, Kie?”

He nodded quickly, looking back at Lacy. “Of course.”

Lacy grinned. “Thank you, both of you. It means a lot to us. You’ve both been so amazing with Amanda.”

Tommy scowled, unbeknownst to Lacy, but I saw it and I knew it was meant for Kieron. I tossed my brother a quick glare and the scowl disappeared.

Kieron suddenly winced and bowed his head, his hand coming up to rub at his forehead tenderly. I frowned at him.

“Kie?”

“Are you okay, sweetie?” Lacy asked worriedly.

“Yeah,” he said immediately, brows furrowed as he closed his eyes, rubbing the heel of his palm into his forehead, “I’m fine. Just a headache.”

“He’s had a migraine all day,” I said by way of excuse, even as I watched him worriedly.

“Those suck,” Tommy said somewhat sympathetically, and I tossed my brother a quick, cursory glance, but he seemed genuine enough. “Mom used to get them all the time.”

“Did she?” I asked, frowning. “I don’t remember that.”

“It was when you were little. They died down when you were about six.”

“Oh,” I said slowly. I never knew what to say when it concerned Mom.

“I got headaches all the time when I was pregnant with Amanda,” Lacy said.

“Well, I can assure you Kie’s not pregnant,” I said, snickering at the thought, and he tossed me a quick glare, leaving me grinning at him as he dropped his head, the deep crease in his brow dispersing. The pain must have died down.

Or, rather, that presence in his mind must have quieted. Why couldn’t it just leave him alone? It knew it didn’t belong in Kieron, so why keep tormenting him?

Lacy burst out laughing, no doubt at the mental image of Kieron pregnant. It was a hilarious image, of course.

Kieron sat back in his seat with a heavy sigh, casting all of us a quick glare. “I hate you all.”

“Now, now, Kie-Kie,” I said, smirking as I patted his shoulder. “It’s all in good fun. If you were really with child, I would have fixed _you_ pancakes this morning instead of the other way around.”

“He cooked for you? That’s so sweet,” Lacy said. “Tommy never cooks for me anymore. Enjoy it while it lasts.”

“I cooked for you just last night!” Tommy protested.

“You grilled out, there’s a difference.”

“Grilled out _in the snow_ ,” he said, “for you, because you just _had_ to have grilled hotdogs.”

“Can I help it if I make you use your easy, indoor grill I got you for Christmas? How is it my fault you chose to use your outdoor grill?” Lacy smiled as she ran a finger across his cheekbone delicately, over a few of his freckles, before her hand lifted and went through his hair. “Besides, you know grilled hotdogs are much better than when they are cooked on the stove.”

Tommy sighed, shaking his head.

I grinned, watching the two of them.

I hadn’t even noticed I was leaning a little closer to Kieron until his hand landed on my thigh, lightly startling me out of my light daze. Those fingers tightened against skin, a quick squeeze, before he removed his hand and I righted myself in my chair, tossing him a quick grin.

To my utter surprise, he actually returned it.

Not a grin, but a quick, small smile.

And then the waitress arrived with our food, and the conversation lulled.

xXx

It was late when we arrived at the cabin where we found Dettere waiting for us. We’d been walking for hours and I was tired. Kieron looked exhausted, rubbing at his head, his face pale and bags beginning to form under his eyes. He’d been tired lately; I assumed having a constant headache due to an unwanted presence in one’s mind could do that to someone. I hoped it would end soon.

I hoped we would get answers.

“I am pleased to see the two of you are well,” Dettere said, looking the two of us over briefly, his gaze lingering momentarily on Kieron, no doubt noticing the way he was absently rubbing at his head. Even Ashere was tossing him concerned looks, and it took everything I had not to growl at him. He wasn’t the enemy, as I kept telling myself. The bond needed to calm down.

“You too,” I said. “We weren’t sure what happened after we got separated.”

“The others… weren’t so lucky,” Dettere said somewhat sadly, his tone lowering somewhat. “It was unfortunate. They were decent people. I’ve known them for years. Finding their replacements will complicate matters.”

Funny, how he immediately thought about replacing them, after saying it was ‘unfortunate’ to have them die. Did he care about them at all? Then again, Dettere was an Elder, and for the most part, Elders seemed rather old-fashioned where perpetuals were concerned. The model perpetuals, without emotions to hinder their abilities and confuse them. In a way it made sense; an emotionally agitated, or upset, perpetual could be rather lethal if they went on a rampage. Being raised to not feel emotions, other than a strong sense of duty, might have seemed like a good idea after the war, when they weren’t needed anymore, but now… it just seemed so wrong. Hearing Dettere speak like this, like all he cared about was replacing his old ‘friends’, was difficult and made me appreciate Kieron even more.

Kieron wasn’t like that; he _cared_ , even though he wasn’t supposed to. He tried to hide it, fought it so much, because he knew it made him different and he already had the Elders watching him carefully because he was animalistic. To be emotional on top of that… the Elders would have almost certainly thrown him in the Lake, had he not been able to at least partially hide his true nature, giving them the impression his animalistic half wasn’t as strong as it was, and he wasn’t as out of control, more ruled by duty than emotion.

“What happened?” I asked, breaking the silence which had surrounded us briefly. “In Miitha Tiaydh.” I knew I was probably butchering that name, but it was hard to pronounce correctly. I could never quite get the syllables to roll off my tongue like Kieron and Ashere could, with this certain inflection in their voice.

It must have been in their language, of course; the Etherian language. Etherians grew up learning both English and Etherian. Etherian because it was their native language, and English because it had more phrases and words which better suited them in some ways.

“Miitha Tiaydh is unstable,” Dettere said.

“Yes, we heard that much,” Kieron sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face. Dettere quirked a brow at him, and Kieron dropped his hand, frowning at him. “Sorry. Continue.”

_Not good. Why are you being irritable with Dettere?_

Kieron was, for the most part, rather civil toward the Elders despite how much I knew he secretly disliked them and felt uneasy around them. He seemed okay with Dettere for the most part, save for the fact he didn’t want him to know about me being the aggressor, but the others… Arabeth was a bitch, and the others I didn’t know by name, save for Farrow, and I only knew of him through Kieron’s memories. For all I knew he wasn’t an Elder anymore, or maybe he was dead. I hadn’t seen him other than in Kieron’s memories.

Farrow was the Elder who helped Kieron control his animalistic tendencies, and helped him fool the rest of the Elders so he could go free. The Elders were supposed to be the model perpetuals, but if that was the case, then why would Farrow help one solitary perpetual evade the Lake? Did he only help Kieron, or did he help others as well? Maybe he even helped Kaspen…

Perhaps we needed to be looking for Farrow, too.

“Miitha Tiaydh is gone.”

I stared at the Elder for a long moment. “What?” I finally asked, when everyone else was silent.

“It is gone,” he said with a small shrug. “It is unfortunate. There was so much history…”

I assumed he meant the Sacred Caverns and the Caverns of Knowledge.

“I went there,” I said, and his eyes narrowed at me. “To the Sacred Caverns, and the Caverns of Knowledge. Kieron and I, we went there. The voice in my head, in my dream, it said to go there, so we did. And…” I chewed on my lower lip, hesitating. I didn’t know what to say now.

“And?” Dettere prompted.

When I remained quiet, Ashere frowned. “He asked for me to look for an animalistic perpetual named Kaspen, but he’s surprisingly classified.”

“Yes, you mentioned something like that,” Dettere said.

I frowned at him. “You know something.”

“Kaspen is – a sensitive case.”

“Sensitive?” Kieron echoed. “Why is my _brother_ a sensitive case?”

“Whoa, wait – _you’re brother_?” Ashere asked, staring at Kieron. “You have a brother? Named Kaspen?”

“Apparently,” Kieron muttered, before glaring at Dettere. “Not that anyone bothered to fucking _tell me_.”

“Careful, Kieron,” Dettere said, watching him. “You seem a bit unstable. Perhaps you should sit down.”

“I’m fine,” Kieron snapped. “So what do you know about my _sensitive_ brother?”

“He is in the Lake, where he should be.”

“Yeah, well, Exrie has the Lake,” Kieron said. “So there’s a good chance he’s out and he’s evil.”

“Perhaps. Anything is possible.”

“A straight answer would be nice once in a while.”

“Kieron,” I said quietly, grabbing his wrist, pulling him backward, away from Dettere and closer to me. He seemed angry, frustrated, confused. Why confused? That furrow was back in his brow. Ashere noticed it too.

“What aren’t you telling us?” Ashere asked, frowning at me. “What’s wrong with him?”

“Nothing’s wrong with me, and don’t talk about me like I’m not right here,” Kieron growled, before he released a hissed breath and bowed his head, chin dipping toward his chest, his hand coming up to rub at his temples. “ _Fuck me_ , my head hurts.”

“Your head hurts,” Dettere repeated.

“I didn’t stutter, did I?”

“Kieron,” I said again, because snapping at Dettere certainly wasn’t going to help us get answers.

“You say you went to the Caverns of Knowledge? The Sacred Caverns?” Dettere asked, stepping closer to us.

“Yes,” I said slowly, frowning at him because I did not like that pensive look on his face as he glanced Kieron over briefly.

“Both of you?”

“Yes.”

“What happened there, Kieron?”

“Glow-y walls,” Kieron muttered. “Some kind of humming.”

“You sought answers, yes?”

“Terry did.”

“I see.” Dettere looked back at me. “Did you allow an essence to use Kieron’s body a host?”

“What? No,” I said, quickly shaking my head. “No, I just… Okay, I don’t even know what happened, honestly. Kieron just collapsed, and then he was possessed or something. The voice, the one from my dream, led me to the Caverns of Knowledge and then out Miitha Tiaydh through some kind of back door, and we wound up back at the cabin. After that…. The voice said it was going to leave, and to get ready to… help Kieron afterward, because being possessed sucks.” I took in a slow breath, closing my eyes. I hadn’t actually ever said any of this aloud yet. “Something went wrong.”

“What do you mean?” Ashere asked instantly. “What went wrong?”

“I don’t know. Kieron, he’s… I don’t know.” I shook my head, glancing at Kieron who stood next to me, but his focus wasn’t on me. Instead his head was bowed a little lower and both hands were cradling his head, chin dipping toward his chest, posture stiff and rigid. “Kie?”

“Digging, piercing, prying… I want it out,” he muttered, opening tired blue eyes to look at me.

I swallowed. “I know, Kie, we’ll work on it.” I looked back at Dettere. “So the voice, or whatever that presence is, never left Kieron, and it says it can’t. So they’re kind of… sharing a body or something, I don’t know. I’ve only noticed it coming out once, but… I mean… it bothers him. A lot. What can we do to fix this?”

Dettere frowned, watching the two of us for a long moment, studying us in some way.

“You have another presence in your mind?” Dettere asked.

“I guess,” Kieron said. “It must be a popular place.”

Now wasn’t the time to crack jokes, but the attempt left me smiling nevertheless, tightening my hold on his wrist until I could feel his heartbeat beneath my fingertips.

“I see… I don’t know much about these essences and how they operate, but I will endeavor to discover what I can. In the meantime, it might be more of mental battle. I know you studied mentally for a while when you were young, yes, Kieron?”

“Yeah,” Kieron said slowly, obviously uncertain.

His unease left me frowning too.

“Excellent. Then perhaps more mental meditation will help ease the conflict until we can find a more permanent solution.”

“Mental meditation?” I echoed.

“Kieron is currently struggling to co-exist with an essence which has more memories and life experience than he could ever hope to achieve. Essences carry life – memories, dreams, battles – with them in every fiber of their being. If it is an essence within him, and it says something has gone wrong and it cannot leave, then the best course of action is to mute it for the time being so it does not overtake Kieron’s main thought process and alter his own way of thinking or behaving.”

“Wait, so – you mean this might _change_ him?” I asked, staring at Dettere, my heart lurching in my chest.

“That is what the mental meditation will attempt to fix,” Dettere said slowly, like I just simply wasn’t listening and couldn’t understand basic concepts. I sighed, hanging my head.

All of this sounded so very bad, and it was yet again all my fault. All my fault this was happening to Kieron. Always Kieron. He never did anything wrong; this wasn’t fair.

 _No_.

No, I was going to help him. And if that first step to helping him involved mental meditation, then what was where we were going to start.

“Okay,” I said, watching Dettere as I tightened my grip on Kieron’s wrist again. “Tell us what to do.”

“First, you must track down an Elder named Farrow…”

 


	20. Obstacles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having a possessed boyfriend is... complicated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, I had to take a break from these two since I wrote so much for them xD But here's an update. No promises; just an update.

Chapter Twenty: Obstacles

 

Finding Farrow was easier said than done.

It wasn’t that we didn’t know where he was – it was that getting there was the problem. If he still lived – and Kieron assured me he would have definitely felt it if Farrow died as the two of them were friends, in a way – then he was across Ethereal, near the Lake, which had been taken over by Exrie. None of this bode well for us. While Ashere and Bekkah attempted to find a way to him, and see if he even still lived, Kieron and I were sent back to the apartment.

A familiar setting would help Kieron, Dettere assured me. He would be less agitated and less likely to suffer any ‘consequences’ if he was kept calm and in somewhere he felt safe, somewhere familiar. I hoped the apartment offered him that feeling of safety – the feeling of _home_.

As time passed, however, it became more and more obvious something was very, very wrong.

“Kieron?”

Kieron stared blankly ahead, gaze unfocused. He sat motionless on the bed in our room, while Bekkah and Ashere asked around about Farrow. Dettere was busy searching for replacements for the Elders. It had only been a week since Dettere told us we needed to find Farrow and work on Kieron’s mind meditation, whatever that meant. Only a week and the change in Kieron was growing more evident.

“Kieron,” I said, a bit more firmly this time, and he blinked, that glazed look in his eyes dispersing as he turned his head enough to look at me. I smiled thinly. “Everything okay?”

I always asked.

His answer was always the same.

“I’m fine.”

I sighed heavily, scrubbing a hand over my face. Why could he never make anything easy? Then again, what would he possibly say? There was nothing we could do about it right now, and he said talking about it made the voice more… _there_.

_But it’s getting more ‘there’ each day…_

“Let’s go out tonight.”

Kieron frowned. “Out?”

I nodded. “Get out of the apartment for a bit; take your mind off things.”

 _And mine_.

I could see the indecision weighing heavily on his face.

“It’ll be good for y-… us.”

He scowled. “I don’t need you worrying about me.”

I shrugged. “I love you; comes with the territory. So what do you say? I won’t force you.”

_God knows I’d lose that fight._

He sighed, shrugging. “I’d rather…” he trailed off, sighing. “I don’t know. Sorry. Yeah, I’ll go if we’re eating. I’m starving.”

I smiled. The more he changed because of the voice, the more he tried to make up for it and act disgustingly normal. Polite, even. Nice. Not to say he wasn’t nice, of course, but right now he was trying too hard.

“Where do you want to go?” I asked quietly.

“Wherever is fine.”

I nodded and climbed off the bad, snagging his wrist to pull him along with me. “You need a shower first.”

“Are you saying I stink?”

It was the most normal he’d sounded since we returned to the apartment. I grinned, relief flooding through me as I pulled him into the bathroom with me. I lightly pulled off his shirt and then pushed down his pants until he stepped out of them, brows furrowed in confusion.

“What are you doing?”

“Undressing you, idiot.”

“I don’t need help.”

“I want to help.”

He sighed, shaking his head. “You’re impossible, you know that?”

I smiled, leaning closer to him. “But that’s okay, right?”

He shrugged, and my lips connected with his. His eyes brightened to that wonderful blue glow. He was trying so hard to remain in control these days, with the voice in his head threatening to take over; he rarely slept, and when he did it was only for a few hours. He was trying to stay himself, but this… this was when he was truly himself. Just Kieron, no voice. Just him and that glow that was for me and me alone.

The kiss deepened, teeth nipping at lips. Hands sought purchase where they could, his in my clothes, mine in his hair since he was naked at the moment. As his mouth moved away from my own only to nip lightly at my neck, pleasure shot through me. Pleasure mixed with lust and bliss and I pulled him closer to me. In that same instant, his teeth left my neck and he quickly stepped away, eyes bright as he averted his gaze to the floor.

“Kieron?” I asked, frowning worriedly as he rubbed tenderly at his head, wincing somewhat.

“I can’t.”

His voice was breathy, rough. Salt in open wounds.

I hated the sound of it.

“What do you mean?” I asked, reaching for him again, the echoes of that intense feeling of pleasure still lingering.

He shook his head, still not looking at me, his posture rejected. I hated it.

“You should… go,” he said quietly, closing his eyes. When he opened them again the glow was gone.

“Go?” I repeated, swallowing.

“I need to… shower.”

“Kieron? Will you look at me?”

He didn’t. Instead he turned his back on me, moving to turn the water on, testing the temperature and adjusting it accordingly.

He was pushing me away.

Keeping me at a distance.

The memory of him telling me he would open the bond but didn’t want me near him shot through my mind, leaving me momentarily breathless. I had him back. He forgave me. I had him _back_. And then the voice took him over to help _me_. To help me get answers. I had him back for only a short while.

And now he was pushing me away again.

The bond was open, but he wasn’t present.

“Don’t do this,” I said quietly.

“I need to shower,” he said again.

“Kieron, look at me.”

“Go, human.”

I shook my head even though he couldn’t see me. “No. I’m not going anywhere. Talk to me, okay? What’s wrong?”

The laugh he gave was hollow, bitter. “What’s _right_ ,” he muttered.

“Talk to me, Kie. I can’t fix it if I don’t know.”

“That’s just it – you _can’t_ fix it.”

I took in a slow breath. “Let me try,” I said softly. I wanted so badly to reach out to him, to touch him, but I knew the contact wouldn’t be appreciated.

“Let me shower.”

“I won’t leave things like this, Kieron. Talk to me, okay? What’s going on with you?”

“I can’t…” he sighed and shook his head, stepping into the tub before he reached down and hit the faucet, switching it over to the shower spray. As the curtain closed behind him I stood there, staring at where he once stood, trying to figure out what to do.

I couldn’t stand this distance. Not after our argument, when we all but _broke up_ , when I called him an _animal_ and broke his hard earned trust…

I couldn’t handle being this close to him and yet a million miles away.

_Please talk to me…_

I couldn’t make him talk, though. I knew this was hard for him, and I knew he was trying to figure things out on his own. He didn’t like being out of control, which was why it was so incredibly hard for him to let me in, and now he had a presence in his mind that was overwhelming, overpowering. Soon, according to Dettere it would overtake Kieron’s own mind and he would be… _different_.

And I would lose him in a completely different way.

I closed my eyes, listening to the shower spray.

After a moment, I took in a slow breath and opened my eyes as I reached for the shower curtain, tearing it open. Kieron didn’t even flinch, though he did scowl at me. The scowl was so familiar I wanted to smile, but couldn’t bring myself to do so right now.

“This isn’t happening,” I told him firmly.

He blinked at me. “Human?”

“You’re not pushing me away again, do you understand?”

His expression… flattened. Closed off. Steel walls closing between us. My heart lurched at the sight.

My resolve firmed.

“I know I messed up, I know this is my fault – and don’t you dare try to say it _isn’t_ – but you can’t do this, okay? We’re together, Kieron. We’re bonded. You’re _supposed_ to share things with me, especially when it bothers you. I know this is tough for you, but keeping it inside and not talking about it won’t help.”

I took in a quick breath after speaking, my pulse racing. Demanding things of Kieron never really went over well, but I didn’t know what else to do. I could use the ‘emotional emphasis’ which apparently made him do what I wanted if I wanted it badly enough, but I wasn’t even sure how to use it correctly. So far when it happened, it was by accident.

Kieron hesitated.

He was the subgressor; he wanted to please me. Appease me.

According to the Elders, he would cave and do as I asked, especially if my aggressive nature kicked in.

I tried not to think about it too much; defining _this_ was never easy.

“Don’t shut me out again,” I said quietly, watching him. He sighed, finally looking at me. “Not after… all of this. I know this sucks but-”

“Understatement of the fucking year,” he muttered, looking away again.

But at least he was talking.

I swallowed thickly. “ _But_ ,” I said as though he hadn’t interrupted, “we’ll get through this, okay? Together. If you just talk to me and let me help.”

“That’s not a good idea.”

I frowned. “Why not?”

“I’m not… myself.”

“I know that,” I said, taking in a slow breath. “Just… don’t shut me out, okay?”

“Fine,” he sighed, shaking his head as he looked at me. “You don’t give up, do you?”

“No,” I said.

_Not when it concerns you._

xXx

Explaining Kieron’s ‘condition’ to Tommy was easier said than done.

I couldn’t keep it from him, though. Lacy wanted us all to get together again, but Kieron refused due to the ‘voice’ in his head – and not the one telling him to kill everyone. Tommy wanted to know what was going on, so I eventually told him. He was very incredulous and said he was coming over to discuss this in person because he couldn’t ask his questions with Lacy next to him.

Kieron was less than thrilled about this, of course.

He didn’t get along well with Tommy on a normal occasion – and now he had an unwanted presence threatening to take him over at any given time.

He stayed in the bedroom while I greeted Tommy at the door, allowing him into the apartment.

“So what the fuck?” my brother asked, getting right to the point.

My brother could be rather blunt.

I sighed, attempting to find the words to explain this to him.

“Kieron’s kind of… possessed, I guess, at the moment.”

“Possessed,” Tommy repeated, staring at me. “Are you serious? Is this more of that mystical bond bullshit?”

Irritation sparked through me. “It’s not bullshit,” I snapped. “And no, it has nothing to do with the bond.”

“Then how did this happen?”

I looked away, guilt gnawing at the fringes of my mind.

“I… My fault. It’s my fault.”

Tommy frowned. “What do you mean? How is this your fault?”

“The… the presence, it entered Kieron to help me find… somewhere we needed to be,” I said, explaining only the bare bones of what happened. I didn’t want him to know too much or he’d insist on helping, and I didn’t need the stress of worrying about my brother’s involvement on top of everything else right now.

“And…?”

I shrugged. “It kind of… never left.”

“So he, what? Has a voice in his head? A split personality?”

“It’s… complicated.”

“Well, un-complicate it.”

I smirked faintly. I remembered demanding that Kieron did the exact same thing on more than one occasion.

“I don’t see how this is funny,” Tommy said, noticing.

I shook my head, swallowing. “You’re right. I was just… remembering. Anyway, we don’t know all the details and are waiting for them to locate someone who might know something about this.”

All very true. A lie by omission, though.

I didn’t tell him how this voice was threatening to overtake Kieron and would eventually take control and overpower Kieron’s mind, changing my perpetual forever. And I couldn’t… I couldn’t think about it right now.

It wasn’t fucking _fair_.

I just got him back.

“Is there… anything I can do? To help?” Tommy asked, a crease in his brow, eyes dark with concern.

Concern for me, or for Kieron?

“No,” I said, shaking my head even as I sighed, looking down at the carpeted floor. We were currently sitting in the living room, on the couch, while Kieron stayed in the bedroom. He could hear us, probably, but whether or not he would pay attention was another matter entirely. “There’s nothing you can do, Tommy. We… We’re looking for someone who can help him. Finding them is the issue, though.”

“I’m sorry,” Tommy said uncertainly.

Irritation stirred with me but I held it back. It was the typical thing to say when one didn’t know what to say, so they just spat out words of pity. And I hated them so much. I heard them so much when Mom died. _I’m sorry for your loss. I’m sorry, Terry. I’m sorry._

It was all I heard for weeks. As if losing my mom wasn’t bad enough, but to have all these fake people around me, giving me food and sending their condolences even when I couldn’t remember the last time I saw them at family dinners on the holidays… I couldn’t deal with that on top of it.

And I couldn’t stand it now.

Tommy must have noticed. “I… sorry. I don’t know what to say. I can’t help.”

“No,” I agreed. “You can’t.”

“Who is it you’re looking for? Why?”

“Farrow,” I answered, shrugging. “He’s the, um… well, he helped Kieron with mental shields when he was younger, which is why Kieron can keep his thoughts from me and stuff.”

“This bond stuff is freaky.”

“I know. But it’s all true.”

He ran a hand over his face. I watched him out of the corner of my eye. He seemed to be taking things well enough, but then he’d already had the shock of a lifetime when he followed us to Ethereal and got stuck staying with us while we searched for a way to save Kieron.

Always saving Kieron.

It was a trend which needed to stop. I couldn’t keep almost losing him – literally or figuratively. If this kept up I didn’t know what I’d do.

_Probably something stupid._

Something stupid like wrap my perpetual in bubble wrap and handle him with kid gloves. Something stupid Kieron wouldn’t appreciate.

“Well… let me know if there’s anything I can do to help,” Tommy sighed, shaking his head. “I don’t know what else to do.”

“Thanks, Tommy. I’ll let you know if you can help.”

Even though I knew he couldn’t help.

He couldn’t help in this situation, but I appreciated that he was trying. For me or for Kieron, I didn’t know – I was just grateful.

xXx

Giving Kieron space was as difficult as had always been. At least he didn’t hate me, and was talking to me, but he’d get quiet sometimes. Quiet, with this faraway look in his eyes, and I knew he wasn’t himself. Sometimes his eyes even had that glow in them – that blue-white glow which was more nauseating than it was breathtaking.

Time passed.

Kieron was twitchy, twitching at the slightest movement or noise, completely on edge even though he tried to hide it. Sometimes he’d mutter to himself – hushed words I had no hope of truly hearing, but I could see his lips moving. And then sometimes he wasn’t himself at all.

Like right now.

“Why won’t you just leave him alone?” I asked quietly, sitting on the couch with Kieron. And Not-Kieron. The voice didn’t have a name.

“We regret that we cannot leave. Something went wrong.”

“Yeah,” I muttered. “I know. What do you think went wrong?”

“We do not know.”

_Great. So you’re no help._

“Can you give Kieron back, please?”

I hated speaking to the voice. To Not-Kieron. I hated it so fucking much and yet this side of him was coming out more often now, and when it was actually Kieron, he was so distant. So very distant, and it was killing me to have him so close and yet so very far away.

“Kieron’s mind is fuzzy. Lost in a fog.”

A chill inched up my spine. These words were new.

“What the fuck does that mean?” I asked, glaring at Not-Kieron.

He remained silent. Staring into a void I couldn’t see, his eyes that strange, terrible glow. I reached out a hand, brushing my fingers against his arm just to let him know I was there. He flinched back away from the contact, but the hurt easily washed away when that blue-white glow left his eyes and blinked at me as though confused.

“Hey,” I said quietly, smiling weakly. “How do you feel?”

“Headache,” he muttered, looking away.

“Same as always?”

“Yes.”

I took in a slow breath. That was something, at least. He’d developed a constant headache a few days ago, but thankfully it hadn’t worsened. I prayed Ashere and the others found something about Farrow soon; I could feel Kieron slipping away.

The bond was soft, muted. Distant.

And I hated it.

“Let’s do something,” I said suddenly, and he frowned at me.

“What?”

“We’re going to get out of the apartment for a bit.”

We hadn’t done that in a while. He never felt like going anywhere and in the end I always caved and gave into his wishes about staying in the apartment. But it had been two weeks; we needed to leave the apartment for a while. Maybe I could give him something else to focus on instead of the voice attempting to overtake his mind.

“I don’t want to.”

I blinked at his bluntness.

“Yeah, well, I wasn’t asking,” I replied, getting to my feet. “Get dressed.”

“Human, I don’t want to go.”

He sounded like a petulant child. It was adorable and yet saddening.

“We’re going to eat, and then we’re going to a bar.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“I didn’t ask for your opinion, did I?”

He blinked at me, frowning. I folded my arms across my chest, staring him down, because I wasn’t giving in this time.

Finally he sighed and nodded. “Fine. I’ll go.”

I smiled as he got to his feet.

Hopefully time away from the apartment would do him some good.

xXx

Dinner was strange.

Kieron kept fidgeting like he couldn’t get comfortable. When I asked him about it he scowled and didn’t answer. I knew the voice was giving him trouble, but there was little I could do to help except try and distract him. I struck a conversation about nothing in particular as we waited for our food to arrive.

When it did arrive Kieron dug into the food.

I was happy to note he still had his appetite despite everything else.

After dinner we went to the bar, like I said we would. Last time we were at a bar I couldn’t really enjoy it – I’d been moping because Kieron regained control and the bond was less open, and then that voice had entered my mind and I’d blacked out.

I woke later at the apartment.

We hadn’t been to a bar since.

Kieron, until last time, hadn’t been to a bar before. He didn’t understand drinking alcohol.

I could enjoy this odd innocence this time.

Even as my stomach curled. Kieron had never been given the chance to truly be innocent. Even as a child they ripped that away from him, did everything they could to beat the feelings out of him; sometimes it was amazing he survived, even as a perpetual.

“I don’t understand how you can drink this stuff.”

Kieron’s semi-irritated voice brought me back to the present. I smiled at him, taking a sip of my own beer.

“It’s an acquired taste,” I told him. “After a few of them you won’t even notice.”

He eyed the bottle dubiously. “Somehow, I doubt that.”

I smirked. “What’s the matter, Kie-Kie? Afraid?”

His scowl deepened and he took a chug of the beer. “It’s terrible.”

I laughed. “Yeah, well, can you even get drunk?”

“In a way.”

“What do you mean?”

“We have similar things in Ethereal – except they don’t taste like shit.”

“So what gets you guys drunk in Ethereal?” I asked curiously. I wasn’t sure if he could get drunk of human alcohol, but I did want to see him drunk just once. It was probably quite the sight.

Seeing him cut loose without a care… it would be nice.

“We don’t get drunk like you do.”

“What do you mean?”

He shook his head, frowning as he tried to find the words. “It’s more primal, I guess. Getting drunk is to lose control. Like that purple shit you used.”

I shivered at the mention of that particular purple liquid from when we stayed at that hotel in Ethereal. A growl lodged in my throat, earning me odd looks from passersby but I didn’t care. If anyone tried to use that liquid on Kieron again…

_I’ll kill them._

Harsh, but true. I wouldn’t let that happen again.

“So that’s you getting drunk?” I asked hoarsely. “That’s terrible!”

He shrugged, taking another drink of his beer. “It’s not so bad, really.”

“They practically raped you,” I said bluntly, narrowing my eyes at him even as anger rested hot and heavy in my stomach. “How is that ‘not so bad’?”

“You don’t understand how we pay for things, human.”

“So you pay for things with sex? We have names for people like that, Kieron, and you’re not one of them. They forced that on you.”

“You don’t understand what it’s like in Ethereal, human.”

“I’m trying to understand,” I said truthfully, “but I’m having a hard fucking time getting over the fact _they raped you_.”

More passersby tossed us looks but I didn’t care. This was more important. Getting Kieron to see that it was so incredibly wrong, what the people at the hotel did, was more important. I thought he understood, but he still thought there was nothing wrong with except the fact I didn’t like it. He didn’t understand that it was wrong due to his warped sense of life.

“It’s not like that.”

“It _is_ , Kieron.”

He shook his head, sighing heavily, taking another long chug of his beer. It was almost empty. I left the table to get us more beer and retook my seat across from Kieron at a small table. He was currently watching someone playing pool across the bar.

“Do you play?” I asked him, popping the cap off my new beer.

“Hmm?” His gaze left the pool table to meet my eyes.

“Pool,” I clarified. “Do you play?”

“No.”

“Do you know how to play?”

_Have you ever seen it before?_

“The goal is to get different balls into holes,” he said, shrugging. “Not much to know.”

I shook my head, smiling softly. “That’s the main gist, I guess, but there’s more to it than that.”

He shrugged and finished off his first beer, reaching for his second even as he scowled, still not liking the taste. I didn’t particularly like it either but after a few of them I didn’t care about the taste anymore. I thought getting drunk might do him some good, get him out of his own head for a while. I hoped so, anyway.

If anyone needed to get out of their head right now, it was Kieron.

It was too crowded in there.

“Come on,” I said, getting to my feet.

He frowned in confusion.

“Let’s play.”

xXx

Ashere was waiting for us when we got back to the apartment.

Instantly I scowled – we finally had a night out of the apartment, a night away from everything, and here he was dragging us back into it. Another part of me was happy to have him here, because he said he would only show up out of the blue if they found Farrow. And Farrow could help Kieron.

Except, judging by the look on his face and the way he wouldn’t quite look either of us in the eye, I knew he didn’t have good news.

“What is it?” Kieron asked, obviously noticing it too.

“Did you find Farrow?” I asked even as I let everyone into the apartment. Ashere had been waiting outside for once, despite the chilly air and thin layer of snow on the ground.

“In a way,” he said, shaking his head. “It’s… complicated.”

“Un-complicate it,” I said. I might as well get that printed across my face since it had become my motto, it seemed.

“Tell me,” Kieron demanded.

He and Farrow were close. I hoped everything was okay; he was the one perpetual, the one Elder, who actually helped him and seemed to care about him. At least, care about him enough to actually teach him to lie when perpetuals hated lying. So I hoped everything was okay – Kieron had already lost so much. His innocence, his parents (in a way), a normal life… and now his own mind. He didn’t need to lose anything, anyone, else.

“I don’t know much,” Ashere said quickly. “I just know he was at the Lake when it was… captured.”

Silence followed his statement.

I swallowed thickly, glancing at Kieron to find his expression flat.

“So is he dead, then?” he asked nonchalantly, but I knew it was a façade. He had a soft spot for Farrow.

“I don’t know,” Ashere said apologetically. “I was never very close to him. If he’s alive, he’s being held captive by Exrie.”

More silence followed that statement.

I took in a slow breath. I honestly didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to ease the tension, how to reassure Kieron… wasn’t even sure if he _wanted_ reassurance, or if he would consider that pity.

So I stood there in silence, awkwardly, unsure what to do with myself.

Finally Kieron sighed. “Well… so what do I do now?”

He sounded so – lost.

And I hated it.

But he did have a point. Farrow was supposed to help him better strengthen his mental shields so he could keep that voice at bay until something more permanent could be figured out. Now, though, Farrow wasn’t an option. So what did we do next? Where did that leave Kieron?

Ashere shook his head reluctantly. “I don’t know,” he said quietly.

“What the fuck do you mean you don’t know?” I spat distastefully. The anger I felt wasn’t for Ashere, really – it was for the fact I didn’t know how to help Kieron, and Dettere’s words kept echoing through my head.

Kieron would _change_ if he didn’t get help.

It was never stated _how_ he would change, but I had a feeling it was bad.

Like ‘losing the essence that made him Kieron’ bad.

Desperation clogged my throat. I didn’t know what to do. Kieron’s hand was warm on my shoulder. It only made it worse.

“What do we do?” I asked – demanded.

Ashere shrugged helplessly. I knew he hated this as much as I did. He didn’t want to lose Kieron, in any way, either.

I was so tired of Kieron always getting the short end of the stick. So tired of everything bad happening to him – because of me. He could deny it all he wanted but it was true. If it wasn’t for me, he would be fine. He wouldn’t be part of any of this. In fact, he wasn’t _supposed_ to be part of any of this.

I was meant to bond with Kaspen, not Kieron.

If I had bonded with Kaspen instead… then Kieron would be fine now. He never would have died and I wouldn’t have brought him back by attaching him to my limbo; he never would have been tortured by that golden blade; he never would have been poisoned by that other, worse, golden blade; and he wouldn’t be possessed right now.

Kieron’s grip on my shoulder tightened. I brought my gaze from the floor to instead look at him.

“Stop it,” he said simply.

The breath I took had no right to be so shaky. After all – this was happening to Kieron, not me.

And yet if it happened to Kieron it happened to me as well, because we were a unit. We weren’t separate; we were one person split into two bodies. It sounded romantic, something people would write about in love poems, but it was so very true. The bond made sure of that.

And I was supposed to bond with _Kaspen_.

It all made my head spin.

“We’ll figure something out,” Ashere said.

For a moment I forgot he was there.

“Yeah,” I said quietly, agreeing with him, gaze still focused on Kieron. “Don’t worry, Kieron.”

My perpetual sighed. Unbelieving.

The anger sparked anew.

How could he give up so easily? He never once gave up on me, even when he was angry with me. He still saved my life, took care of my injuries before taking care of his own… He was with me every step of the way when it concerned me.

But when it concerned himself…

_If I ever see his parents again I’m going to kill them._

Okay – harsh. I wouldn’t kill them. But I would shout at them. Shout at them for turning Kieron into _this_.

Too selfless for his own good. He didn’t think he mattered because all his life he’d been treated that way, starting from the moment he was assigned the lower third of the pyramid. The moment his animalistic side started showing. The moment his parents took him to the Lake.

They did that to their own son.

They did that to their _first_ son.

I took in a slow breath.

I just wanted Kieron to care about himself as much as I cared about him. As much as he cared about _me_ , though he would deny it if questioned. He could keep up the façade that he didn’t care about me, but I knew otherwise. Even though he hadn’t said the words, I knew.

And I loved him for it.

And I also hated him for it.

Hated him on some level because he didn’t think he mattered. He didn’t believe me when I said he mattered.

_Well, I’m going to make him believe it._

I didn’t give up on him when he was poisoned, after all. And I tied him to my _limbo_ of all things. And we had eternity together if we lived through this war because I would live as long as he lived because of our bond, our ‘symbiotic relationship’. Everything.

I tried not to think about the fact I would live forever if we lived through this.

It made me sick to my stomach.

Not because I didn’t want to be with Kieron, but because he hated living forever so much. And I would have to watch everyone else I loved – Tommy, Amanda, Lacy – die because I would live forever.

I could understand why Kieron thought of it as a curse instead of a gift.

Kieron flicked me in the ear. I scowled at him, rubbing at the tender spot.

“What was that for?”

“Stop it with all your negative thoughts,” he said, scowling too.

I smiled faintly. “I do have happy thoughts, you know.”

“Yes, I know.”

Ashere cleared his throat. Again I had forgotten he was there. Now I looked away from Kieron to instead focus on him.

“So,” I said, clapping my hands together, “what do we do now?”


	21. Moments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kieron fights a losing war with his mind; Terry tries to take Kieron's mind off things. Basically filler.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not too sure about this chapter... not sure if I like where this is going. Oh well. We'll see, I guess. I was loopy when writing this; face has been tingling all day. Anyway, I do hope it sounds okay, though!

Chapter Twenty-One: Moments

 

Watching Kieron meditate was bizarre.

I mean he didn’t say ‘ohm’ or anything but still, it looked hilarious. He sat with his legs folded just so, eyes closed with a serene expression on his face. He would do this for hours. I tried not to disturb him because I knew he needed this. He needed to focus. Ashere suggested this until they could find something or someone else that could help him. Then he returned to Ethereal, leaving us here. He thought the familiarity of ‘home’ would help Kieron.

Kieron had become quite the hermit.

A month after we returned to the apartment, he refused to leave. He had stubble even though facial hair and everything grew slower on perpetuals for some reason. He hadn’t shaved in a while. His hair was also an unruly mess but still looked nice. Only he could make wild bed hair look enticing.

The voice still bothered him. It came out a few times when Kieron’s mind was apparently too ‘tired’ to keep fighting. He was fighting this presence because my perpetual was a fighter. It was part of what I loved about him. He never gave in without a fight… unless it concerned his wellbeing, but right now he was fighting for that, too.

Still, though, he was slipping.

The voice appeared more frequently. Not-Kieron. It also stayed present for longer each time, and I knew Kieron’s mind was weakening. So far meditating had helped to at least keep it at bay a little longer, but he was still… fading.

Fading in a completely different way than when he was poisoned, but fading nevertheless. And I fucking _hated_ it.

It wasn’t fucking fair. At all.

He meditated for hours on end. Eventually he would move and come out of his trance, sometimes with a bad headache and other times looking more relaxed. It could honestly go either way.

I felt so incredibly helpless and useless, watching him. There was nothing I could do. He was already fighting my own thoughts and mind, keeping us separate but whole as well, and now he had to worry about that presence as well. It was wearing on him more each day. He rarely slept anymore, even though he was always tired. He would space out for a while, even when he wasn’t meditating, staring into a void I couldn’t see, like he was catatonic.

When it lasted for an entire day, my resolve broke.

I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Kieron,” I said, gripping his shoulder even though he told me not to disturb him when he was like this as he didn’t know what he would do. “Kieron, hey – come on, snap out of it, okay?”

He blinked a few times, and the glazed look in his eyes vanished as he focused on me. I knew his eyes had to be burning as he hadn’t blinked in a while. “Human?”

“Hey,” I said softly, swallowing thickly. “I, um… was wondering what you wanted to eat for supper. You haven’t eaten in a while.”

_All days. Two days._

He shrugged. “Whatever is fine.”

Which meant he at least had an appetite. I supposed that was good.

“Alright,” I said, moving off the bed from where I’d been sitting next to him for a while. “Come with me.”

“Why?”

“Because,” I said simply, reaching out to him.

He eyed my hand for a moment, clearly hesitating, before he sighed and allowed me to pull him to his feet. For some reason that felt like a victory. Kieron was self-reliant, self-sufficient. To accept my help in standing, to let me pull him to his feet… it felt like progress.

We entered the kitchen. Kieron dragged his feet, clearly reluctant. He’d lost weight. It reminded me of when he was poisoned, how thin and gaunt he got, how _frail_. Vulnerable. Everything he shouldn’t have been. Being reminded of that time left me grimacing. I hated it.

And I hated that it seemed to be happening all over again. This presence was its own kind of poison sweeping through his body, consuming his mind.

Perpetuals were protective of their heads. Not only did he have another voice in his mind but he probably felt it eating away at his mind, his thoughts and memories. Violating him in the worst kind of way, in his head of all things, and he had no way of stopping it or controlling it.

Neither of us knew what to say. Neither of us knew what to do.

I cooked supper in silence as he sat at the table, staring down at the surface.

xXx

Meditating seemed to help. He seemed a little more like himself – for now anyway. It was one of those rare moments when he was just himself, when the voice quieted and receded a little, giving him a break. I enjoyed these moments.

They never lasted long so I wanted to make the most of it.

“How long do we have?” I asked, feeling like we were doing something wrong – something we had to keep quick and quiet. Hiding from a part of him that shouldn’t have been there.

“About a half hour,” Kieron replied.

“Okay, let’s shower.”

He tossed me a look from where he sat on the couch, as we had previously been watching TV when the presence gave him space. I had to give that voice a little credit; it was at least _trying_ to give Kieron space, but it was hard when they shared a mind and it had so much more experience and memories and information. It was trying, and I appreciated. Hopefully it would buy us some time.

I got to my feet, reaching for his wrist. He allowed me to pull him to his feet.

“So, c’mon, we have a half hour. Let’s shower and see where it goes.”

“That’s not a good idea.”

I sighed heavily. As time passed he became more and more reluctant to do anything remotely intimate; he rarely even allowed me to kiss him anymore. He said it was because he wasn’t himself, but right now, he was the most ‘himself’ he had been in a while. And he still wouldn’t let me get too close.

He was still trying to push me away, and I hated it.

“Then what do you want to do?” I asked. “And think quickly; we’re losing time.”

Time to ourselves.

His gaze skittered away. If he had it his way, we would never speak or touch or anything. He rarely slept; sometimes he didn’t even come to bed. I hated it so much. I just wanted the old Kieron back – the one with the wonderful, bright glowing eyes. The one who stayed in bed with me so we could ‘get it out of our system’.

“C’mon,” I said, “I told you not to push me away, remember? Avoiding me won’t help. We live together, and we share a bond.”

He sighed, shaking his head, still not looking at me. I knew this was hard for him, but it was hard for me, too. He wasn’t in this alone. When he suffered, so did I. This wasn’t just bothering him. I needed him to understand that. We were a team.

“It’ll do you some good.”

He pulled him along after me, out of the living room, into the bedroom, toward the bathroom. My pulse raced slightly; I hadn’t been this close to him in a while. In the nearly two months since we returned to the apartment, he could be right next to me and yet be so very far away. I hated it. I just wanted things to go back to normal. Well, to our kind of normal. The normal with him near me, touching me, holding me, his eyes so bright…

Fingers grasped the hem of my shirt. A strangled moan escaped my lips as teeth nipped at my neck. Kieron’s hands were entirely too good at undressing me. I smiled through it all, sighing happily.

He was finally allowing us to get close again. Even if it would only last for a moment. Even if later he would push me away again. I knew this was hard for him, and I was happy he was at least allowing us this moment.

I wouldn’t let this continue, though. I wouldn’t let that voice consume him, that presence overtake his mind. I wouldn’t let I happen. I was the aggressor, dammit; I was supposed to be able to protect him. I was supposed to be able to destroy anything that threatened him. But how did I destroy this presence, if it was in his mind and body, wearing his face and altering his voice?

I’d figure out something. I had to.

“Let’s skip the shower,” I said breathily, and he grunted his approval even as his teeth stayed connected to that wonderful spot on my neck.

My fingers caught hold of his own clothing, undressing him with a bit of difficulty since his mouth seemed glued to my neck, but I was perfectly fine with that. Grinning, I pulled him out of the bathroom and into the bedroom, and when he pulled back to finally look at me his eyes had that wonderful glow to them – not the blue-white kind, but the kind that was all him. All Kieron.

And I loved it. Missed it. Wanted it.

His mouth reconnected with my neck as we toppled onto the bed in a heated, tangled mess.

xXx

I knew it the instant his moment of clarity vanished. We lay next to each other in bed, hot and sweaty, panting slightly. We hadn’t had sex – he wouldn’t let himself lose control that much, and I wanted to enjoy my time with him like that instead of rushing even if I was going to crazy if it didn’t happen soon - but I was curled into his side like I was supposed to be. His fingers were absently running up and down the length of my spine, tickling me a little but I enjoyed the contact. Everything was as it was supposed to be. Perfect.

And then he abruptly stiffened. A second later he removed his hand and physically distanced himself from me, but all I could really focus on was the lack of the more open bond in my mind. It hadn’t been completely open, like it was before I called him an animal, but it had still been more open than this. I knew he was doing this to shield me from the presence, but I hated this distance so much.

I knew it was coming, though. It also wasn’t closed all the way.

My breath still caught in my throat nevertheless.

“You don’t have to push me away,” I said quietly, rolling over to face him. He currently sat on the edge of the bed, his back to me, shoulders stiff and head bowed. “Opening the bond fully might help, you know.”

“Or it could consume you too,” Kieron muttered.

I winced. “I won’t let it consume you, Kieron.”

He sighed heavily.

Irritation sparked through me – at the situation and at Kieron himself.

“Why is it you always doubt me? You always think I’m lying when I say I am going to help you. I’ve done it before, haven’t I? When have I ever broken my word? When have I ever given you reason to doubt me?”

His spine stiffened further. Silence followed my words and I swallowed thickly.

“Sorry,” I said quietly, tearing my gaze away from him to instead look up at the ceiling as I lay on my back. “I just… sorry. I know this is hard for you.”

And truly, I did know. I also knew he had a good reason to doubt me. All his life people used him, manipulated him, lied to him, broke their word… so he had a good reason to be dubious about what I said, what I promised.

But this needed to stop because-

“I know,” he said softly, so quietly that I almost didn’t hear him.

But I did hear him.

My breath caught in my throat as I looked back at him. His spine wasn’t as rigid as before, his shoulders slumped and his head still bowed. His fingers curled into the sheets beneath him, nearly touching his naked thighs.

“You… You know?” I asked, pushing myself into a sitting position, watching him carefully.

“I know I haven’t… been easy.”

“I don’t want easy,” I told him truthfully.

Hearing him laugh shouldn’t have left me wincing. Laughing shouldn’t have been so dark, brittle nails against broken glass. “Maybe you should.”

I took in a slow breath. “What are you saying?”

“I… don’t know.”

“Because if you think I’m going to leave you now, then you don’t know me at all,” I said firmly, narrowing my eyes at him. “I don’t care that your mind is a little crowded; I mean I care and I’m going to help you, but I don’t… I mean… if you think this changes things between us then you’re wrong.”

_So very wrong._

“Look at me, please?”

He didn’t move for a second. Then finally he sighed, twisted a little, and craned his neck enough to look at me, eyes still so wonderfully bright.

“I’m going to help you,” I promised. “I’m not losing you to this thing in your mind.”

_I’m not losing you period._

He took in a slow breath and nodded.

“Okay,” he said softly. “I believe you.”

xXx

“Are you sure about this?”

I scowled at my brother. “Yes, dammit. Stop asking. My answer isn’t going to change.”

“Are you sure he’s stable enough for this?”

“He’s fine,” I said, if not a bit harshly.

We were currently waiting outside in Tommy’s car while Kieron got ready inside. And by getting ready I meant he was having a mental battle with himself and was probably trying to think of a way out of this. But there was no way out of this because I knew this would do him some good, and he knew we were already waiting for him.

Plus, it was Kieron’s birthday.

Well… the made up birthday, anyway.

We decided on March 21st.

I knew he wasn’t up for leaving the apartment, but it would do him good to getting away. When he focused on something else, it seemed like it was easier for him to ignore the voice. And yet he still attempted to keep me at a distance. We showered together sometimes, and he let me close to him, but he wouldn’t do anything intimate with me.

We hadn’t in a while. Not since a week ago when he said he believed me – that he knew I was going to help him. Or at the very least, he knew I would try my hardest and I wouldn’t give up.

That meant a lot, really. That he believed me.

That I earned his trust back, and earned that level of trust even after all I did.

All I said.

I would never do it again. I would never call him an animal again. It took so long to get him to trust me, to even begin to let me in, through those steel walls keeping all his true thoughts buried away so far even he forgot they were there sometimes. It took so long to get him to open up to me, to trust me, and I almost shattered it all with that one word, that one statement. When I called him an animal. I was the one person who didn’t care about any of it; and he was beginning to believe that.

And then I said that. Called him that.

And now he had this voice in his head, and he wouldn’t let me in because he thought he was protecting me. Always protecting me. I wished just this once he would take the easy route and just let me in, be selfish for once.

“Are you sure he’s coming?” Tommy asked a few minutes later.

“Yes,” I said firmly, “he’s coming.”

A moment later Kieron emerged from the apartment, closing the door behind him. As he approached the car I scowled at him.

_You don’t have to look like you’re walking to your execution._

He climbed into the backseat. I wanted to be next to him but instead I sat up front with Tommy. Lacy would meet us at the restaurant when Amanda was at Dad’s. He was enjoying being a grandfather, or so I was told.

I rarely spoke to him and I hadn’t in a long time. We just never saw eye-to-eye and I knew he wouldn’t accept Kieron. He never even accepted the fact I liked guys, always called it a phase… so I knew telling him about Kieron, that I loved him, was not a good idea. Whether or not Tommy told him was another matter entirely.

Tommy pulled onto the road.

I could feel Kieron’s anxiety. His nervousness.

_You’ll be fine, Kie._

To my surprise he actually answered for the first time since we had been back to the apartment.

**_I don’t have your confidence._ **

I bit back a laugh that was more bitter than anything. _I’m not confident. Never have been. I just know you’ll be fine._

**_Sounds like confidence to me._ **

I shook my head. Tommy tossed me a strange look.

“More mystical bond stuff?”

I shrugged. “Kind of. You wouldn’t understand.”

The sad truth was, he wouldn’t, couldn’t, understand. He would never have the kind of connection Kieron and I shared, even as much as he loved Lacy. They would never have a mind link, would never be able to communicate like this, feel each other’s thoughts and everything.

It was tragic that they would never know what this felt like.

And yet I was envious of them.

They could be together without a care in the world – I had to live with the fact Kieron would always be hunted as long as we were together.

But living without him wasn’t an option. Being away from him was… unpleasant.

 _Bit of an understatement,_ I told myself. It was so much more complicated than that.

I was a little – okay, more than a little – co-dependent on him. I should have been worried about this; instead I was happy.

I wondered if he felt the same.

xXx

“So when are you due back at base?” Lacy asked after our food arrived. We’d had a bit of small talk while we waited for our food but it was a little stilted, since Kieron kept trying to keep to himself even though this was for his birthday.

“Hmm?” he asked, moving his food around his plate with his fork.

He was usually nice to Lacy – understanding, even sweet. Currently he was mostly absent, but I couldn’t blame him for it. I knew this was hard for him. Lacy knew something was off, though, and that would lead to questions. Questions he wasn’t really up to answering, and it would leave Tommy once again questioning his stability.

“Is everything okay with you?” Lacy asked worriedly, and finally Kieron’s gaze rose from his plate to focus on her.

“Everything’s fine,” he said, forcing a smile. “I’m sorry if I’m not pleasant company. I’ve been… under a lot of pressure. At base.”

I swallowed at the excuse.

“When are you supposed to go back?” she asked. “Can’t you take a leave of absence for a while, until you feel better?”

I was the only one who noticed the way his lips pursed, smile thinning. “I’ll ask.”

Lacy smiled and the conversation resumed. Kieron at least attempted to get involved in the discussion and the small talk, and Lacy assumed he was fine now. If I didn’t know him better, I would think he was fine, too.

But I did know him better.

I knew he was trying too hard, smiling just a little too much, the smile never quite reaching his eyes.

My fingers brushed against his own on the table. I didn’t know I was moving or reaching for him until then. His gaze left Lacy, who had been speaking to him, to instead focus on me, a puzzled crease forming in his brow. I smiled reassuringly, my fingers still touching his own.

He released a slow breath and looked back at Lacy as she continued talking to him, chatting away animatedly about all the plans she had for his birthday, but apparently Tommy had told her I wanted to celebrate alone with Kieron, so we would just do dinner. I was happy about this but also irritated; I knew he did it because he thought Kieron was unstable and because he didn’t really like him.

Right now, though, all I could think about was the fact Kieron was allowing this small bit of contact. I smiled at him even though he wasn’t looking at me, and finally began speaking with Tommy while Lacy and Kieron held their own conversation.

Through it all, Kieron never disappeared.

He never held his head and winced; he never went completely quiet; he never zoned out on me. His eyes never flashed that blue-white color. He didn’t have contacts in, either.

For once, it felt like progress.

Progress and normalcy.

Kieron finished his food after not eating more than half of it, but a few days ago his appetite seemed to vanish. He still ate because he knew he had to, but he didn’t actively feel hunger. I knew that was a bad sign and I hated it. I hoped Ashere and the others figured something out soon because I knew it was only going to get worse from here.

Lacy eyed him worriedly again even as Tommy sighed, tossing me a quick inquisitive glance. I shrugged and watched as Kieron smiled at Lacy – that same forced smile which whispered of tension. I was the only one to notice.

“Thanks for dinner,” he said amicably. “It was nice.”

“Well, Tommy said you weren’t feeling well. I did have more planned,” Lacy said, all but pouting at the fact her perfect plans got ruined. She loved spoiling everyone. It was one of the reasons she was so amazing. “Maybe when you’re better we can do more, before you leave.”

Kieron nodded even though I knew he had no intention of doing as she asked. At least, not until he was himself again. I could feel him pulling away – from me, Lacy, Tommy… everyone. Retreating into himself, keeping everything inside, and I just wanted to scream at him that he wasn’t alone in this, and he needed to stop behaving this way.

Getting angry at him wouldn’t help, though.

“Let’s go to a bar,” I said suddenly.

The look Kieron gave me was wary. “Excuse me?”

“A bar,” I repeated, glancing at Tommy. “You in?”

“I don’t know if-” Kieron started, but I elbowed him in the ribs and smiled at my brother.

“Well?”

Tommy eyed the two of us before glancing at Lacy. She smiled and nodded at him.

“Boy time,” she said. “I understand. I’ll see you when you get home, sweetie.” She stood and kissed the top of Tommy’s head before leaving the table, and then the restaurant while Kieron tossed me a quick glare.

“I think I’ll just go home,” he said. “You two can go.”

I scowled at him even as my heart leaped at the fact he called the apartment home. Every time I heard him say that, it made me feel all warm and happy inside. We had a home together. Except right now everything wasn’t perfect. I tried to think back to when it had truly been perfect – the night he claimed me. Perfect. But after we left, went to Ethereal for all those speeches, and then returned for our fuck-a-thon… it just wasn’t that perfect despite the glowing eyes and everything, because we still had to worry about the fact the Lake had been taken by Exrie and we were now at the head of a war even though neither of us asked for it.

“You’re coming,” I told Kieron firmly, smiling when he scowled. “It’ll be good for you.” I looked at Tommy, quirking a brow at him. “Well? Are you in?”

“I guess,” Tommy sighed, shaking his head as he reached for the bill and threw down a tip for the waitress.

“I don’t want to,” Kieron said quietly, looking more antsy by the second, as Tommy walked away.

I got to my feet, smiling at him. “Trust me, Kie, this will be good for you. You need to relax and unwind.”

He looked skeptical but finally sighed and got to his feet as well, following me out of the restaurant while Tommy paid the bill.

xXx

After his fifth or so beer, Kieron actually began to loosen up. By this point Tommy was trying to get him drunk – he was curious as to what a perpetual looked like drunk, and as he consumed alcohol as well, his usual dislike of Kieron vanished, as did his worry that Kieron might lose control or something.

A little while later, after some more alcohol, it was like the two had been best friends forever.

I laughed, watching them. One of us needed to be sober enough to drive so I was apparently the designated driver. Tommy could sleep on the couch until he felt well enough to drive home, since it was his car we’d taken here. I was fine with this, but I wondered how Kieron would feel about it later. I hadn’t exactly discussed it with him yet.

“So how old are you?” Tommy was asking in that slurred voice when I returned to the table with a few more beers for them. Kieron barely eyed the bottle before chugging some of the frothy liquid, his distaste for it apparently gone for the time being. Tommy was half leaned over the table, his hand on Kieron’s shoulder.

The grin Kieron gave him was lopsided, making me laugh again. “Gonna have to guess,” he told my brother, not slurring or swaying nearly as much. He wasn’t _drunk_ , exactly, not like Tommy. He was just more at ease – relaxed. It was the most relaxed I had seen him in a long time.

Most relaxed I’d seen him since our fight.

My stomach clenched at the thought.

We hadn’t really had time together so we could just relax and be with each other, since Miitha Tiaydh. He hadn’t been himself since we left there, since he was possessed, and therefore refused to let his guard down when around me. He always kept tight control over the bond and even threatened to close it once, when the presence got to him too much.

After snapping at him that it wasn’t an option, he sighed and he hadn’t brought it up since. He still kept the bond open, he still let me linger near him, but I couldn’t always touch him. I couldn’t hold him or hug him or do anything truly intimate with him because he wouldn’t allow it. Being near me left his eyes glowing sometimes, despite how hard he tried to remain in control of that aspect of him. The more physical aspect. And now this voice was in his mind, threatening his mental shields, and he had to stay in control of that as well. It was all wearing on him.

This was the first time he’d actually smiled – a real, sincere smile – since before our fight.

The thought left me breathless.

I just wanted it all back. Wanted the relaxed version of him back. The way he had been before our fight, with his glowing eyes that wonderful blue color and not the blue-white of the walls. The blue-white of that other presence. The presence slowly eating away at him, a different kind of poison.

_I’ll stop it._

Kieron tossed me a scowl, breaking off his conversation with Tommy. “Shut up,” he said.

I blinked. “Excuse me?”

“Your mind,” he muttered, “shut up.”

“More myst… mystic… bind stuff,” Tommy said with a drunken little laugh. “Creeeepy.”

I scowled at my brother. “You’re not helping.” I looked back at Kieron. “And I’m sorry, I’m just… no, you’re right. Tonight’s for fun.”

If I kept thinking about it and worrying about it, how could I expect him to do anything else?

He once said he couldn’t get drunk – at least, not in the typical way we thought of drunk. And yet here we were, with him more relaxed and at ease, getting along with _Tommy_ of all people…

It was truly a wonderful sight.

And I wished it would last forever.

I knew it would end soon, because we’d already been here for roughly three or so hours, and the bar would be closing soon. And then we’d have to go back home, and he’d wake up later and be distant all over again. I swallowed thickly at the thought but forced a smile when he scowled at me again.

“C’mon, Terryyy,” my brother said, dragging out my name like a little kid, “lighten up. Ki… Kie has.”

He always had a rough time remember Kieron’s name, and how to say it properly. It wasn’t a hard name to say. But maybe that had more to do with the fact he didn’t like Kieron very much, and tolerated him because he knew it was what I wanted, and because he knew Kieron had saved us both a few times.

“I know exactly how to cheer you up.”

Kieron’s voice was warm and light and _oh god I miss that_ …

I missed him like that, so open and warm and bright and I just wanted it back. Back to how it was before our fight. Because even though he forgave me and everything, gave me another chance, we still couldn’t be very close to each other because he kept away from me mentally if not physically, because of that presence lingering in his mind.

And I just wanted him like _this_. Warm and open and-

 _Oh fuck yes don’t ever stop_ -

The thoughts formed quickly, suddenly, as warmth exploded through my mind. The bond had been open, of course, but more muted than usual because he didn’t feel in control. Now, though, it opened a little more. Not very much, only the faintest of that wonderful, bright bridge in my mind, connecting my mind to his, but it was there. The hum grew louder, the sight brighter, and everything just felt so very warm.

Warm and perfect and _Kieron_.

“Oh, yesss, that did make him happy,” Tommy laughed, watching me.

I realized I had a big, goofy grin on my face but I couldn’t help it.

Kieron looked bemused. “Better?”

“Yes,” I breathed, reaching for his hand under the table, threading our fingers together, “so much better.”

“If y’all are gonna kissss then not in front of me,” Tommy said.

I scowled at him even as Kieron chuckled quietly.

And it was so light and warm and perfect.

I missed this so much, I realized. Missed it so much more than I initially thought I did, and that was saying a lot.

 _I love you,_ I sent his way, just in case he might be listening.

A tender smile spread across his face. His grip on my fingers tightened marginally before relaxing, a faint squeeze but there all the same.

 ** _I know you do,_** he sent back, leaving me breathless as the bond opened a little more, allowing our minds to connect a little more so he could speak to me like that.

The goofy grin on my face grew. “Could you say it?” I asked softly, unaware I was even speaking out loud until Tommy blinked at me in confusion.

“Say wha’?” he asked.

I shook my head, gaze still focused on Kieron. _Could you?_

His expression – softened.

My breath caught in my throat. He said maybe. _Maybe_. As in ‘I could say I love you too’, and that was such a huge leap from before. From when he refused to even think about it, said they were only words… and now he said maybe.

The giddiness must have shown on my face because Tommy scowled.

“None of that mind crap,” he demanded drunkenly.

Kieron looked away from me and the moment broke.

I wanted it back.

 _Say it_ , I sent to him.

Instead of answering he rubbed at his head, grimacing. I knew the presence was probably bothering him. I knew I should let the matter drop but this was the closest he’d ever come to saying it… and I wanted him to.

Wanted him to say it so badly.

They were only words, as he once told me; but right now I wanted to hear them more than anything.

_Please say it? Just once?_

Instead this odd look overtook his face.

In the next instant he threw his head back and _screamed_.

Screamed. Kieron.

My mind blanked.


	22. Tainted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a reason Kieron is distant these days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys, this chapter took a while to write, ugh. And it's even shorter than the others at just under 5k, lol. Anyway, I'm not entirely sure where this chapter came from, but oh well. 
> 
> Oh, and thanks to the wonderful angelirae of this site, there is now a fanmix for this series, that they made for me. Because they are awesome like that. 
> 
> Here it is:  
> http://8tracks.com/angelirae/bond-an-almost-living-fanmix

Chapter Twenty-Two: Tainted

 

I wasn’t sure what happened next.

After the first scream he released these quick, pained little sounds and I _hated it_. Hated it so fucking much because this was all wrong. All so very wrong.

By this point Tommy was surprisingly sober – confusion and fear could do that to a person. By this point everyone in the bar had stopped to look at us. By this point I had dragged Kieron’s reluctant body to his feet and attempted to get him out of the bar. His legs refused to cooperate with me, his head bowed, expression contorted.

_Oh, God, what’s wrong?_

I tried to ignore the hurt seeping through the bond. I tried to ignore the memories of him the last time he’d been in such pain.

When that new golden blade had been used on him and he’d been slowly dying. A very painful, slow death. He’d been in such pain, even after sharing it with me. So much pain. That was the last time I heard those pained little sounds.

A shiver inched up my spine, cold fingers of dread gripping my heart as I got him to the car, finally. I didn’t want to leave him alone in the backseat but I couldn’t let Tommy drive.

_Fuck. Tommy._

I looked around and realized my brother wasn’t with me.

He was still inside.

The fresh air did little to calm me or help Kieron. I didn’t know what was wrong with him. It was… almost like he was when a perpetual died, but he’d never screamed before. He only ever clutched his head and went to his knees, sometimes grunting in pain, but never _screaming_.

It had to do with the voice in his head, I was sure.

_What’s it doing to him?_

I wanted to help him.

But right now I needed to figure out what was wrong with him.

_Fuck, be okay, you stupid idiot._

He had to be okay, because this was my fault and _things were going so well_ …

Tommy emerged from the bar with our jackets, which I hadn’t even realized we left behind. It was cold outside, but I could barely feel it.

He climbed into the passenger seat. I took the driver’s seat and glanced back at where I left Kieron, sprawled out in the back.

He was still, quiet.

_Oh, fuck, be okay._

I took in a shaky breath and keyed the ignition. I needed to focus enough to drive. Focus enough to get us back to the apartment safely. Focus enough to help Kieron.

I couldn’t help him until we were back at the apartment.

_Fuck, what do I do…_

I had absolutely no idea what was wrong with him, or what to do about it. I couldn’t even ask Ashere or Bekkah or anyone because they weren’t here. They were in Ethereal, and Kieron was here, and _it’s not fair_ …

It took a lifetime to get to the apartment. Once we were there, Tommy helped me get Kieron inside. I placed him neatly on the bed and walked around him worriedly, while Tommy called Lacy from the living room. She would be by soon to pick him up, if I wanted him to leave.

He said he didn’t know anything about this bond and everything, and Kieron was immortal and hadn’t been hit by a golden blade. He didn’t know what he could do to help, so I told him it was fine if he left. It was probably best he didn’t see Kieron like this, anyway. Hell, _I_ didn’t want to see him like this.

Twenty minutes later Tommy left, but only after Lacy asked about Kieron. I told her he was sleeping and was only drunk and passed out. I left out the part where he screamed and collapsed.

I wished I could forget it myself.

After that I sat down to wait for him to wake up. And pray he _did_ wake up, because I had no idea what was wrong with him. No idea at all.

_What if he doesn’t wake up…_

Could perpetuals become vegetables?

It wasn’t the first time I’d worried about this, or had this thought. If the brain and the mind was what ultimately kept them alive and allowed them to heal, but was also the easiest way to take them down… then what would happen if their mind just vanished, replaced by another?

The breath I took was too shaky, too quick, as I sat next to Kieron on the bed, watching him sleep.

_Wake up, you idiot._

Things were going so _well_ at the bar. He was finally loosening up, relaxing, said he could _maybe_ tell me he loved me… and it was all so perfect. All so wonderful and right, because not only did he say he could maybe say he loved me, but he and Tommy were getting along as well. Like they were two peas in a pod, how I always wanted them to get along…

And then this happened.

And I didn’t know what to do except wait next to Kieron and hope he woke up.

xXx

Twenty-four-hours later, he still hadn’t woken up.

I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t even contact Ashere or Bekkah because he was the one who always did the contacting, and now I was just so completely useless. I couldn’t help him, I couldn’t contact the others… what was I good for? Other than hurting Kieron. Other than getting a presence stuck in his mind. Other than calling him an _animal_.

I scrubbed a hand over my face.

_Kieron, can you hear me?_

I’d tried this so many times I lost count. I stayed up all night, just watching him, wanting to be there when he woke up, but he never did. And then the rest of today passed in a blur. He still never woke. Now it was well into the night and he was as still as ever.

_Kieron… I really need you to wake up, okay?_

_Or at least talk to me._

_Please?_

If I could just get him to respond somehow… then maybe I could breathe again.

Sadly, I had been trying all day and had thus far never gotten a reply.

He hadn’t moved in the slightest – not even his facial muscles.

He didn’t look like he was in pain, but he didn’t look peaceful, either. I hated it so much. Why couldn’t he just wake up? Why couldn’t that presence just get out of his head? Why did everything have to happen to him? It wasn’t fair.

This was all _my fault_. Not his. Never his.

I took in a slow breath, finally moving from my spot next to him so I could use the restroom. I tried reading to him off and on, seeing if that would help as, when he was dying from that poisoned blade, he said he liked the sound of my voice when I read to him. At the time he had been out of it, of course, but still, I was happy he liked it nevertheless.

_Kieron, please. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what to do. Wake up. Talk to me. Please._

When I returned to the bedroom, I was shocked to find Kieron actually sitting up. Sitting up and looking around, posture stiff and rigid, and his eyes too light. Blue-white.

Instantly I was snarling even as I surged forward, unable to stop myself from touching him. “Get the fuck out of him,” I snapped. “You’re not in control, that’s not your body!”

“Something has gone wrong.”

My spine stiffened even as I glared at Not-Kieron. “You can fucking say that again. What did you do to him this time?”

“We did not mean to do anything.”

I took in a slow breath. “So you _did_ do something, then?”

_Fuck, what did you do now?_

“We tried to give him space. Yet we could not stop ourselves.”

“What does that mean?” I whispered, swallowing thickly, because there was actually a touch of _emotion_ in that voice. That otherwise flat voice because it wasn’t really Kieron. It was that presence. And Right now there was regret and… something else. Something I couldn’t place right now.

_What the fuck did you do to him?_

“He was… happy, last night.”

I took in a breath and nodded. “Yes,” I said quietly, even though I wanted to forget how perfect he had been last night. Wanted to forget because it hurt too much to think about it right now, when he was… not himself. “We were happy. What did you do?”

“We were curious.”

“Curious? About what?”

“Emotions are new to us. We have never felt them before. We looked where he did not wish for us to look. The outcome caused him pain.”

“So you… hurt him?” I breathed, attempting to understand what this voice was saying, but it all just went over my head. I had no idea how sharing a mind with Kieron worked. At least, not like that. Not on so personal a level.

“It was an unintended side effect. We did not wish to harm him.”

“Yeah, well, you did,” I snapped, glaring at the blue-white eyes. “You keep hurting him! What do we have to do to get you out of him?”

“We do not know. We regret that we cannot help you.”

I sighed and scrubbed a hand across my face. If I was thinking more clearly, I would realize it wasn’t this presence’s fault. This was new and strange for it as well. It wasn’t used to being in a flesh and blood body, surrounded with Kieron’s thoughts, memories, _emotions_ …

That strange jealousy flared up again. I shoved it down angrily.

“So there’s nothing we can do? We just… let this… happen to him?”

My breath caught in my throat at the thought. I swallowed down the lump it formed, looking away from the too-light eyes. Eyes I knew so well and yet they were so foreign to me right now.

“We regret that we do not know how to help either of you. This was not our intention. We find it… strange.”

“Strange,” I muttered, sighing heavily. “Yeah, I guess that’s one way to put it. _Fuck_.”

I scrubbed a hand down my face. Not-Kieron shifted next to me, moving a little closer. I glanced at him – it, whatever – to find those eyes watching me curiously.

“What is this feeling?”

“What feeling?” I asked, puzzled.

I wasn’t in Kieron’s head; I didn’t know what this voice was talking about. And yet I should know. _I_ was supposed to be the one in his head, not this voice. Not this presence. _Me_. That jealousy returned and I forced it back down, because it was too petty for me to think about it. To be jealous of this voice when it was something Kieron didn’t want in the first place.

But this voice knew him so much better than I did… was in his thoughts, memories… _emotions_ …

“What’s he feel?” I asked softly.

Not-Kieron titled his head to the side, watching me carefully, trying to find the words. It was almost cute, but I still hated it. Hated it because the head tilt was to the wrong side; Kieron’s always tilted to the left. Not-Kieron tilted his to the right. Just more evidence that it wasn’t really Kieron right now.

“He has tried very hard to keep things from us. We have told him we mean him no harm, yet still he persists.”

“Well, yeah,” I said, frowning. “You’re invading his privacy.”

And for Kieron, that was saying a lot. He spent his whole life, his whole _childhood_ , being taught how to control his mind and emotions and thoughts, even from the Elders who would look into his mind to do a Reading and everything, to determine if he was going to be thrown in the Lake. He passed, of course; Farrow helped him develop better shields. And it allowed him to stay out of the Lake but he could never let his guard down, because he’d never learned how.

And then I was forced to bond with him.

That made cracks in his armor, which I kept chipping away whenever I could, because I wanted him to let his guard down around me. If he couldn’t be himself with me, then who could he be himself with?

And now this voice was in his mind, going through everything he kept buried away, without his permission. Without his input. And it was the worst kind of invasion of privacy.

“What is he trying to keep from you?”

I wasn’t entirely sure where the question came from, but I had to admit I was curious, and I knew Kieron would never speak of it with me.

“He lets us see most things,” the voice told me, sounding a little confused. More emotion slipping through. “His past, for instance, is fair game. His animalistic nature is also fair game. He doesn’t fight us on much, but the one thing he keeps us away from is you.”

“M-Me?” I echoed, frowning even as my heart skipped a beat, fluttering.

_He hides… me?”_

“What do you mean?”

“He keeps us away from the bond. He keeps us away from his thoughts and memories of you.”

“And… what does he think of me?” I asked, heart in my throat.

Not-Kieron… smiled? “He has many thoughts of you, locked away from us. We attempted to see them, feel them for ourselves, because we are curious. We have never felt before. It is… a unique experience.”

I took in a slow breath. Kieron had a lot of thoughts of me – feelings? – and kept them secluded in their own little corner of his mind. He let the presence see his past, which was terrible; sometimes I wished I hadn’t seen what I did of his past. He let the presence see thoughts and memories of his animalistic half, which he kept hidden away from everyone, including me and the Elders.

But thoughts of me… memories of me…

He kept those in their own separate area and guarded them. Tried to keep them from the presence.

I wasn’t aware I was grinning until Not-Kieron frowned at me.

“Have we said something amusing?”

I shook my head but couldn’t stop smiling. “So he loves me?”

I knew he did, but to hear the presence say it… in Kieron’s voice…

The frown remained, more confused now. “What is love?”

I took in a slow breath. This voice had no idea what emotion was. All of this was a new experience for it. It had never felt love before, or anything like that.

How to describe love to someone – something – that had never felt before…

“It’s like… feeling safe. Caring about someone more than yourself. I don’t know how to explain it, love just… _is_.”

I couldn’t explain love; couldn’t explain what I felt for Kieron. It was just so difficult.

Not-Kieron still looked confused.

I sighed, shaking my head. “Never mind. Can you give control to Kieron now, please?”

I just wanted to talk to my perpetual, make sure he was okay. If this voice was telling the truth – and it had no reason to lie – then it got too close to what Kieron attempted to conceal, keep away from it more than anything else. To learn it was _me_ …

I just wanted to talk to him.

“He will not wake for a while.”

“That’s fine,” I said quietly, hoping he was okay. After all, I heard him _scream_ , and that was just so bizarre and wrong and I hated it so much. “Are you sure he’s okay?”

“He will be fine,” the voice told me. “However… we will overpower his mind, in the end, though we wish we could stop it.”

A warning.

A chill inched up my spine.

“How do we stop it?” I all but whispered, unable to truly give voice to my worries. My fear.

_No. I’ll help him. I promised._

“How do I help him? How do I get you out of him?”

“We do not know. We will keep searching for an answer.”

I sighed; that was the best answer I was going to get, I knew. That didn’t mean I had to like it.

“Just… give Kieron back now, please.”

The blue-white eyes closed, and Kieron slipped from his sitting position, slouching as he resumed his unconscious state. I quickly caught him and eased him back down onto the bed, carefully placing his head on the pillow, staring down at his slack face. He didn’t appear to be in pain; right now that was all I could ask for.

“Wake up soon,” I whispered, moving back those strands of hair that kept getting in his face, hovering over one eye.

He had to wake up soon. Not-Kieron said he would.

Until then, I would sit here and wait.

Wait for as long as it took.

xXx

I must have nodded off sometime during his second day of unconsciousness. I was only human, after all; I needed sleep, and worrying about him didn’t help my mental state. Not to mention the fact I was barely hungry while I worried about him, though Tommy did bring me some food for lunch. After that, I crashed next to my perpetual on the bed.

I woke sometime later to find the bed empty.

Immediately I sat up, looking around the dark room. It was night, late; all the lights in the apartment were out save for one – the bathroom. Light seeped in through the cracks. I took in a breath and waited, and finally the toilet flushed, the light turned off, and the door opened.

Kieron emerged.

“Kie,” I said instantly, moving to get off the bed and move toward him, but he held up a hand. My eyes had mostly adjusted to the darkness at this point; I could make out his outline against the blinds on the windows, the streetlights and back lights at least casting a glow on the blinds.

“I’m fine,” he said. “Before you ask.”

I took in a slow breath, nodding even as I chewed on my lower lip. “How do you feel?”

I didn’t have to see his face to know he was scowling.

“That’s the same thing as asking if I’m fine, human.”

I shrugged. “Well? How do you feel?”

“I’m fine,” he said, sitting on the edge of the bed, rubbing at the back of his neck. I figured his muscles had to be sore from lying around so much. “How long was I out?”

“Almost three days,” I said quietly. “What… What happened, Kieron?”

I knew what the voice told me… but I wanted to hear it in Kieron’s words. I couldn’t let him know I spoke to that presence, anyway. That would only raise more problems, and we didn’t need that right now.

But if he wanted to tell me himself…

Well, I could hope.

He shook his head, moving to situate himself beneath the covers. “I don’t know. I’m fine.”

He kept saying that. It had been his mantra for so long I wondered if he even knew what the words meant anymore.

“You screamed,” I told him, swallowing at the memory. “And then blacked out. _Screamed_ , Kieron.”

He went silent for a moment, head bowed, hands absently moving in his lap, atop the covers. “Yeah, well,” he finally sighed, “I’m better now.”

“Tell me what happened. What was that all about?”

“It’s nothing, human.”

I took in a slow breath. “The, um… presence talked to me.”

Kieron’s head snapped up, his eyes flashing momentarily, to that wonderfully bright glow I enjoyed so much, before they went back to their original color. When he spoke next his voice was controlled. “And what did it say, exactly?”

I had no idea how to tell him what we discussed without him getting angry with me. It was an invasion of privacy, after all. But I needed to tell him what I heard the voice say, because maybe that would help him ignore the voice’s presence a little better, I didn’t know. If it would help him I’d tell him anything.

“It, um… it said that… uh… it was responsible for what happened.”

He watched me for a moment. I could feel his gaze on me. “I see,” he intoned flatly.

“Kieron, just… just tell me what’s going on, okay?”

“Why is it so important?”

“Why…? _Why_? You have to ask _why_ …?” I took in a slow breath, attempting to reign in my emotions. “Because I love you, you idiot, _that’s_ why.”

Another moment passed in silence. I swallowed thickly, reaching for his hand, which still rested in his lap. He didn’t fight me when I grasped his hand, our fingers connecting, but he didn’t squeeze back.

“I know this is hard for you,” I told him honestly. “On so many levels, too. I know that. Just… I want to help, Kieron. Why did you scream and black out? It said…” I took a breath, steeling myself. Moment of truth. “It said that it looked somewhere it wasn’t supposed to. What, um… what’s that mean, Kie?”

By this point he had stiffened. It was like I was gripping the hand of a statue. Carefully he extracted his hand from my, replacing it back in his lap. I got the impression he tried to fold in on himself, making himself smaller. Something echoed through the bond, there one second and gone the next. I struggled to decipher what it was but was unable to do so at the moment.

“Kieron? It’s okay – just tell me.”

He remained silent. Irritation flickered through me.

“Why is this so hard? It’s _me_ , Kieron, you know I won’t judge you, so why won’t you just tell me what you’re thinking? What you’re trying to hide from that voice?”

His eyes flashed again. I swallowed thickly, a lump in my throat.

“I think you already know the answer to that.”

The slightly accusatory tone of his voice left me wincing.

“I’m sorry,” I told him. “I’m sorry, I just… when… when the voice took over, I wanted answers. It… it said it was curious about what you were feeling.”

He stiffened further. “And what is it that it thinks I’m feeling, exactly?”

“I…”

_I think you love me. I think it felt that._

“I don’t know.”

“What else did this voice say?”

“Not much,” I told him, looking away.

“You know I can tell when you’re lying, right?”

Right. Of course he knew. He always knew.

“I… We talked. And… and it let it slip that…”

“That?” he prompted when I trailed off.

I sighed heavily. “It said the part of your mind you sealed off was… was the part concerning _me_.”

More silence. I was truly beginning to hate it. I also hated that he seemed so uncomfortable right now. I hated it when he seemed uncomfortable around me. It surrounded us like an uncomfortable blanket, itchy and rough in all the wrong places.

“Why… why conceal _me_?” I asked, dragging in a slow breath even as my tongue slid across my lips as I tried to find the words. “Are you… ashamed of me? Is that it?”

“No,” he said quietly.

At least he was speaking again.

“Then why…?”

“Hard to explain.”

“Try.”

“Human…”

“Just… tell me why you give it free reign over everything else, but when it comes to me… you try to hide it from the presence.”

I wasn’t complaining, but I was curious.

“I don’t want it leaking through the bond.”

_Oh…_

Well, yes, that made sense. He told me it was why he didn’t fully open the bond in the first place; because he didn’t want it spreading to me somehow. He thought he was protecting me. But was that really why he kept me, his thoughts and memories of me, hidden away from the voice? To hide the bond from the voice? It knew we were bonded. It hadn’t tried to go through the mental bridge before, so why would it try now?

“Oh,” I finally said. “Um… is… is that all?”

“What were you expecting?”

His voice was – distant. I wasn’t sure how to describe it. Different. Soft. Guarded.

“I don’t know,” I said quietly. “I just, um… if it causes you pain to hide something from it, why not just let it see? If it wanted to come through the bond I’m sure it would have by now, right?”

It could clearly go where Kieron didn’t wish for it to go, after all. It just caused him pain from attempting to keep up those mental shields, and then to have that presence shatter them out of mere curiosity…

He didn’t answer me.

“You let it see everything else,” I told him. “It said you let it see your past, and your animalistic side and everything, but you… you draw the line at me?”

“It taints everything it touches,” he said in defeat, the outline of his shoulders slumping, his voice quiet.

“Taints?”

“Makes it… feel less like it’s mine. My memories, my thoughts, my animalistic tendencies… It makes them more at a distance, like they’re not really mine. It’s… disorientating.”

I could imagine that was terrible, all his thoughts and memories suddenly seeming like a distant dream.

“Are you… Are you saying you’re _forgetting_ things?”

If so, that was more terrifying than anything he’d said.

I didn’t want him to lose memories, to forget things.

_To forget me…_

“Not really forgetting,” he said, and that knot in my stomach loosened somewhat, “just… feels more like a dream. The emotional connection – yes, I did use that word, please shut your mouth – I have with them is getting blurrier.”

“Blurrier?”

“You get nostalgic and happy and sad when you think about your mom,” he said, and my lips pursed into a thin line. “Now imagine remembering her as the person she was, but you have no feelings. It’s like she was a stranger, but you know she was important to you. You just can’t feel it anymore.”

_That’s terrifying._

I wasn’t sure what I’d do without my memories. Of anything, especially my mother. I missed her all the time. To think I could just suddenly think of her as just a random person and not my mother… to not get happy and sad whenever I thought about her…

“And it does that with… with everything?” I asked, mouth dry.

“Everything it touches,” Kieron said. “It starts slow. An echo. A shadow. But it’s getting worse, more _there_ each time. It’s going through everything in my mind and I’m struggling to keep up and keep what little I can.”

Which meant there were things he wanted to keep. I couldn’t blame him. Even with his terrible past, all those experiences molded him into the person he was today, and I loved him for how he was, even if he could be too selfless sometimes. Just as my experiences molded me into myself, they shaped him and his life as well. Where would I be without my past? Where would he be without his?

“So you… concealed me somewhere?” I asked, voice rough.

He went quiet again.

My fingers curled into the covers beneath me as I stared at his outline.

“It taints everything,” he finally said. “I… didn’t want it to taint you, too.”

“But it… it can’t go through the bond, right? I mean it hasn’t so far.”

He was silent again for another beat.

Finally he sighed. “You’re not understanding.”

“What do you mean?”

“If it gets to that part of my mind… if it taints everything about you… then you won’t be there anymore.”

I frowned, heart racing. “What… What does that mean?”

“I won’t care.”

Ice hit my veins. “You… w-what?”

_Please tell me you didn’t just say what I thought you did…_

“It’ll make you distant, too. My thoughts and memories concerning you. I’ll remember that we’re bonded, and everything that happened to us, but I won’t…” he trailed off.

He didn’t have to tell me. I already knew.

_You won’t care about it anymore._

Which meant he _did_ care, but I knew that all along, so learning that wasn’t a victory. Especially in light of what he was saying.

“So you concealed me…” I murmured, swallowing thickly, but it did little to remove that lump in my throat. “Why me? Why not… Why not anyone else? Why not your past, or… or anything?”

He had so many things he could have chosen, instead of me or as well as me. I was happy he wanted to keep me safe in his mind but it just… made little sense as to why he would pick _me_ of all things when he literally had several lifetimes of memories and moments and everything inside his mind. I was happy he cared enough, but I knew that all along.

He was silent for a long time.

My fingers inched across the bed, lightly touching his own. This time he didn’t stiffen at my touch. I threaded our fingers together.

“Kieron?”

I didn’t realize his eyes were closed until then. They opened, the bright glow brightening his face. My breath caught in my throat.

“Kie?”

“I think you know why,” he finally said.

I swallowed thickly, heart racing in my chest, but for good reasons this time. “Because you… because you love me?”

He watched me for a moment with his wonderfully bright eyes.

Then, finally:

“Yes.”


	23. Reprieve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kieron and Terry take a much needed break from their troubles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is like nothing but filler, I swear. It took forever to write. Why does filler always take so long to write? Gah. But I thought the boys needed a break after all they've been through. I also am wondering if this story is even half over, or if it might get closer to 300k. I have a lot of ideas right now for different parts that could intertwine in this story, which would make it longer. But we'll see, I suppose.

Chapter Twenty-Three: Reprieve

 

My mind kept coming back to that.

He said yes.

I asked if he loved me and he said _yes_. He didn’t actually come out and say ‘I love you’, but it was a start. He admitted it. I knew it anyway, but to hear him admit it, to say _yes_ , was just so breathtaking.

It was the next morning now; after he said yes, I hugged him, kissed him, until he pushed me away because of the voice in his head. Then we lay down to sleep, and I felt more relaxed than I had in a while.

Currently I was making pancakes for him. I doubted mine would be as good, but I wanted to do this for him. I told him I would cook for him on his birthday; it had been a few days now, due to his unconsciousness and going to eat with Lacy and Tommy, but now I could do this for him. I wanted to do more for him but this would do for now. The rest could wait until he had his mind back, because he wouldn’t let me do much until then. Nor would he truly be able to enjoy himself.

Halfway done with the pancakes, Kieron emerged from the bedroom, tiredly rubbing the sleep from his eyes. His hair was a mess and he just looked adorable like that. I smirked at him and gestured at the table.

“Breakfast is almost done,” I told him, turning back toward the stove.

I startled when instead of sitting, he came up behind me, nose sniffing at my neck. A shiver slipped through me in all the right ways.

“Flip them,” Kieron murmured against my skin.

I took in a slow breath and did as he said. His lips left my neck and he moved away, sitting at the table finally.

A few minutes later the pancakes were done, nice and fluffy and golden. I hoped they tasted as good as his did.

I brought the plate of fluffy pancakes to the table and we each took a few and sat down to eat. I was happy to note they did taste good, but somehow his still tasted better. If he noticed he didn’t show it, quickly eating the food. I realized it had been a while since he ate, since he’d been unconscious for a while. He was probably starving.

“How are they?” I asked him.

“They’re fine,” he told me. “I’m just shocked you cooked for me.”

I scowled even as he gave a little half smirk before shoveling more food into his mouth. I did rarely cook for him; I would have to fix that. I would have to fix a lot of things.

The first thing I had to do, though, was make sure he was okay. I needed to get that presence out of him before it _tainted_ his thoughts further. His thoughts and memories of me.

My stomach clenched at the thought, ruining my light mood.

He finally admitted he cared; he finally admitted he loved me. He said _yes_. And that could all so very easily be taken away if that voice tainted his thoughts of me. What he felt for me. It would make him stop caring because the emotional attachment was no longer there. There was no way to know if that would fix itself when we got the voice out of him or if it would remain that way forever.

It was a terrifying thought.

I could still lose him, I realized.

Lose him in an entirely different way.

He could forget that he cared about me. Would stop caring about me, after finally admitting he did, even though I knew anyway…

It must have shown on my face, or maybe he felt it in the bond, because he lifted his gaze from his food to instead focus on me. “Everything okay?” he asked somewhat uncertainly.

This was a far cry from when we first met. It was still strange to see him so uncertain. When we first met he was stubborn and determined and confident in his abilities and everything. He had been grouchy, sure, but he’d been so self-reliant and confident. Now he was all… reserved. Timid. Uncertain.

I liked that he was opening up to me, of course, but I didn’t like seeing him always so uncertain. He kept thinking he did something wrong. He kept thinking it was his fault. And it wasn’t. He didn’t do anything wrong. If anything, I did.

I messed everything up. I dragged him into everything because we weren’t supposed to even bond. Kieron was never supposed to be part of this, and yet he was. Because of me. Always because of me, and I was so tired of feeling so incredibly guilty but I had no way of stopping this feeling from consuming me. Especially when I thought about his bright eyes, and then his blue-white eyes, and then the fact that presence tainted everything… that it could taint _me_ …

“I’m fine,” I told him, forcing a smile.

We both knew I was lying. Nothing was really ‘fine’ right now. Not while that presence remained in his head.

We ate in relative silence.

“How are you feeling today?” I asked once we were done eating, both sitting back in our chairs, full.

“Fine,” he told me.

I scowled at him. “Keep saying it; maybe one day I’ll believe it.”

Now he scowled at me. The irritation across his face was oddly reassuring. “I’m _fine_ ,” he said again.

“Good. Tell me again you love me?”

His scowl deepened and he got to his feet. “I’m gonna shower.”

I smirked at him. I knew he wouldn’t say it again, was too flustered to really say it, probably. He already said it once; he wasn’t the best with emotion anyway. At least, not at expressing it. And he basically said he loved me already. I didn’t expect him to say it again, at least not so soon. Later, though. Later.

He hesitated before leaving the room, lingering in the doorway, glancing back at me. “You can come too.”

I grinned and jumped to my feet. “Are you saying I stink?”

He scowled and led the way to the bathroom. I followed after him, happy he was allowing me close again. I knew he would pull away again later, when the voice got to him more, but I prayed I would find a solution to that soon.

For right now, though, I was going to enjoy my time with him.

And naked Kieron was always the best.

xXx

Dinner with Lacy and Tommy wasn’t something Kieron wanted to do, and truth be told, I wasn’t looking forward to it either. As the days passed, he became more reserved. Sometimes he went hours without speaking, without even _blinking_ as he stared into a void I couldn’t see. I hated it so much but there was nothing I could do.

I hated being so damn _useless_.

Always useless, even with my new abilities. They were linked to Kieron, and the problem right now was in Kieron’s head.

I prayed Ashere found something soon – either Farrow, a way to get to Farrow, or another option entirely. At his point I was getting desperate. Well, more desperate, because I’d already been desperate to get this presence out of him.

Pretending to be normal in front of Lacy and Tommy was exhausting.

Kieron’s smiles were forced. He zoned out a few times and I had to touch him to get him to refocus on the conversation and everything. Lacy just thought he was tired; stress could do that, after all. I also told her he’d been feeling a bit under the weather lately. She went and got him cold medicine.

She was sweet, really.

I hated lying to her.

“Still no luck at your base?” she asked sympathetically, after dinner. Dinner had been mostly filled with small talk, but now we were all full and were just sitting back in our seats, comfortably.

“Not yet,” Kieron told her.

“I’m sorry to hear that. I do hope you feel better soon.”

Another forced smile, but I was the only one to notice how it didn’t reach his eyes. “Me too. Thanks for the medicine.”

Lacy beamed at him. She liked helping people. It was why I always thought she’d make a great mom. “No problem! Happy to help.”

“So how are things?” Tommy asked.

I frowned. “Fine,” I said, because he asked earlier and I told him the same thing.

Tommy eyed me for a moment before he shrugged. I knew he had questions about Kieron being ‘possessed’ and everything, but he couldn’t ask them in front of Lacy. Suddenly I was very happy Lacy was left in the dark. I didn’t want to talk about Kieron’s situation right now, least of all with my brother, who wasn’t very fond of Kieron to begin with.

But then I remembered when they were both drinking – how well they got along and everything. And I smiled.

“Do you feel up to doing something else tonight?” Lacy asked, watching Kieron.

Seeing the hesitation across Kieron’s face left my smile fading. I remembered when he never hesitated, when he was never unsure of himself, second-guessing everything. Back when we first me, and he had confidence. Back when he was on his own, without me to deal with. Without this bond between us. Without his life in jeopardy all the time, and now his mind as well.

Kieron’s fingers brushed ever-so-slightly against my knee. I took a breath, pushing the thoughts away. I could worry about all of this later; right now I wanted to enjoy my time with him.

“What did you have in mind?” I asked Lacy.

Her gaze shifted toward me and she smiled. “Well, Tommy was telling about your childhood and how you used to love laser tag. Is that still true?”

I smiled. I loved laser tag. “Yeah, I still like it,” I told her. “I even took Kieron once.”

Thinking back on it left my smile widening.

It wasn’t fair in the slightest, with his superior senses and everything, but we had fun.

“Would you care to do it now?” Lacy asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I know Kieron hasn’t been feeling very well, and I thought this could cheer him up,” she said with a smile. “Since Amanda’s at her grandfather’s, I thought we could go while we’re all free. I know it’s a bit of a drive but we can stay the night there at a hotel, if you want. I just thought it would be fun.”

I could already feel Kieron pulling away. Trying to hide. Get away.

I scowled.

“We’d love to,” I told her with a smile, even as Kieron tossed me a scowl.

**_Human, what are you doing?_ **

_It will do us both some good. Trust me._

**_I’d rather just go home._ **

_Trust me, Kieron. We both need the distraction._

He sighed audibly, and forced a smile for Lacy. “Looks like we’re in,” he told her.

I grinned at him as I paid the bill and we got to our feet. I knew Kieron was uneasy about this whole thing, and was trying to hide away at the apartment – and it was so bizarre to see him hiding away at all, from anything – but this would do him some good. Hopefully it would help take his mind off things, because if anyone needed to get out of their heads right now, it was Kieron.

Even with his meditation, he was slipping.

He tried to be the same, sometimes. Sometimes the scowl was there, or that half-smirk, or the irritation in his voice mixed in with that other tone of his that I couldn’t place, but liked anyway. Sometimes he was the old Kieron, with his bright eyes and everything I loved about him. And then sometimes… he was only a shell of that person. And I hated it so fucking much.

 _It’s okay,_ I told myself. _We’ll fix this. Everything will be fine._

And then, after this was over and that presence was out of his head, we were going to take a vacation. Spend time traveling in the _human_ world, or doing something relaxing. We were going to take a break from Ethereal, Miitha Tiaydh, Exrie, the war… everything. Take a break from everything. A long break. I didn’t care if I had to be the head of some war right now. Ashere and Bekkah could take care of it; I hadn’t had to make speeches in a while. We would get away from all of that and focus on what mattered.

Focus on _us_.

Focus on some normalcy which we both desperately needed right now.

We took our own vehicle, so we climbed into it and followed Lacy and Tommy out of the parking lot.

It would be a bit of a drive, as Lacy said, and we didn’t have overnight clothes or anything, but that didn’t matter. I knew we could always stop and get some from the apartment before we left town, but I knew if we went back there Kieron wouldn’t leave again.

It was like Lacy read my mind, though, because she wound up leading the way back to our apartment. I took a breath and parked behind her. She poked her head out of her window and smiled at me.

“We’re going to get a few things and check on Amanda,” she told me. “We’ll be back in about thirty minutes. Do you know how to get there?”

I nodded. I’d taken Kieron there before.

She smiled. “Okay, well, you two can head that way whenever, and we’ll meet you there. There’s an overnight session tonight, which I thought would be fun.”

I grinned. The overnight sessions were the best. I had only been to those a couple of times, and not in a long time. Mom used to not let us go because they were always during the week, on school nights, but occasionally, if they happened during a break or something, we got to go. It was always the best.

I was happy to show this to Kieron.

Being thrown into pitch darkness, surrounded by all of that fog, was quite the sight. Then again Kieron had night vision. Nevertheless, I thought it would still be fun.

We agreed on a hotel to stay at, and they drove away, leaving me and Kieron to enter the apartment to get a few things.

Already Kieron was trying to pull away.

“Maybe I shouldn’t go,” he said.

I scowled at him. “Nonsense. You’re going.”

“Terry,” he said quietly, looking away, and I bit down on my lip because hearing my name come from his lips, in that tone… “I don’t think I should go.”

“You’ll be fine,” I told him. “Now let’s pack and get on the road. I don’t want to be driving late into the night. The thing begins at midnight.”

We would be there before then, of course. Nevertheless, we needed to be leaving, if only to make sure Kieron didn’t have more time to think of a way out of this plan.

“I really don’t think I should go.”

Watching Kieron be so hesitant was the worst, I decided.

_And I did this to him. This is because of me._

“It’ll be good for us,” I told him quietly. “Hear me? You’ll do fine, Kieron.”

“Human…”

“I’m not leaving without you. Would you like me to stay with you here?”

His gaze snapped toward my face, as I knew it would. “You can go be with your family.”

He was so predictable sometimes.

“Mm, see, but _you’re_ part of that family now,” I told him, smiling faintly. “Therefore you have to come with me. If you don’t then Lacy will give me the _look_ and make me look like the bad guy for leaving you home alone. And canceling isn’t an option because they’re already packing. So what’s it going to be, Kie?”

He scowled at me for a moment. “You play dirty.”

I grinned. “Yes, well, I learned from the best.”

“I would never play dirty.”

_Oh, God, he’s trying to play innocent._

I snickered, feeling relieved he was joking, at least. It had been a while since he’d done this. Since he’d been more… like himself.

“You know you would, and you have,” I told him, nodding toward the bedroom. “C’mon; let’s pack and beat them to the hotel.”

“Is it a race?”

I smirked. “Yes. We can shower before they get there.”

“We showered this morning.”

I winked at him. “I plan to dirty you up first.”

xXx

He wouldn’t let us have sex. He said he already wasn’t in control, he didn’t want to risk testing his control even more by becoming that intimate with me. I was touched he was worried about hurting me, but also irritated as well. How many times did I have to tell him I trusted him? That I knew he wouldn’t hurt me? And this would give us a distraction. I hoped.

Nevertheless, we did do a few intimate things, but not sex. I could still feel his lips around me. Could still remember his bright eyes.

Currently, though, they were covered by his contact lenses.

Having his eyes glowing at night, in the fog, playing laser tag… that would be too noticeable. He didn’t want to risk it.

I would be lying if I said I liked the contact lenses, though. I knew they helped him, and served a purpose, but every time I saw them I was just reminded of the fact his actual gaze was hidden from me.

The lenses were too light blue.

Somehow, Kieron and Lacy wound up being on the same team.

Tommy and I were on the other. There were only two teams. We had thirty minutes to be in there before we’d have to leave for the next group to come in. If we wanted to play more (which we would, considering that we paid to come here and drove here and everything) then we’d have to get back in line.

I was a little worried about being separated. We didn’t have sex, but we still did a few things, and I wondered how that would affect Kieron. Not only that but I knew he was worried anyway, and now he was with Lacy, the one person in our group that didn’t know he was currently not quite himself. He’d have to pretend for her.

Arguing seemed pointless, though. It would either make me seem needy, make Kieron agitated, or make Lacy think I was angry with her or something. So I said nothing, though I did give Kieron a quick glance. He seemed okay for the time being.

We’d meet up in the other room anyway. At some point.

I took in a slow breath and finished suiting up, grasping my laser gun.

The word shot through me and I barely managed to suppress my smile.

_I’m fine. You good with this?_

**_Well I kind of have to be, don’t I?_ **

I would have thought he was irritated if it weren’t for the smirk he threw my way. I couldn’t fight the smile this time. Tommy scowled at me and knocked a hand into my shoulder. I walked through the opening, realizing I was holding up the line, even if the only others behind us were Lacy and Kieron.

I lost sight of Kieron almost instantly as the door closed behind us. The room we were in now was darkness, with a few flashing lights up top – strobe lights? Very disorientating somehow – and a lot of fog to make it interesting. It was hard to see much of anything. Even the vests only gave a faint glow of the desired color – red for Kieron’s team, blue for ours – which was only visible in a way that one could tell which team it was if they were fairly close to them. It left for a lot of tension. Points would be docked for friendly fire.

This was a game, of course.

Still… getting points docked didn’t sound like fun.

Tommy and I wandered off on our own, determined to stick together so we could at least known _someone_ was watching our backs. I wondered if Kieron and Lacy would do the same. It wasn’t like my perpetual needed help watching his back. He probably already knew where everyone was. He could win so easily. Could find me so easily.

I remembered the last time I took him to play laser tag.

A grin spread across my face at the memory of us kissing in a corner. Having fun.

“Enough of that,” Tommy said, smacking my shoulder again, scowl evident in his voice. “Focus. This is serious.”

I chuckled. “Is it?”

“Yes. My wife is a bitch to fight, okay?”

The outburst left me laughing. I struggled to hold in the laughs, not wanting to give away our location. This place was fairly large, and there were only ten of us – five on each team. I doubted anyone was very close to us right now. It was meant to be more a maze right now than anything, instead of a bunch of players.

“Oh, Lacy?”

“She has a mean streak. She hates to lose. I plan to win tonight.”

I snickered. “So you plan to make her angry, is that it?”

“Damn straight.”

I chuckled again.

Tommy took a breath. “How are things?”

I frowned at the sudden change in topic. “Hmm?”

“With you and Kieron. And Not-Kieron.”

I took in a slow breath, the previous laughter forgotten. A knot formed in my stomach. Or rather, I realized it was still there; it never left, I just ignored it for a bit. “I don’t know.”

_I don’t really want to talk about it._

Talking about it made it more obvious things were… different. Worse. Kieron was getting worse. Losing himself.

More and more each day and there wasn’t a single thing I could do about it.

Talk about being useless.

I couldn’t even help Kieron, my bond-mate, my _keishta_ , whatever _that_ meant. The presence kept calling him that. I couldn’t help Kieron when it was vital, to my very core, that he needed to be okay. If he wasn’t okay…

Why did this keep happening?

“Have you found answers?”

I swallowed, shaking my head.

“No,” I said softly, regretfully.

_No answers yet. Fuck._

What would I do if there was no way to stop this? If Kieron stayed alive, the bond stayed intact, but he was no longer… Kieron? If he lost himself, consumed by that presence, and was Not-Kieron all the time?

A stranger wearing Kieron’s face.

Bile tasted bitter in my throat.

“I don’t know how to help him,” I murmured, scrubbing a hand over my face.

_And that’s the fucking problem._

I _had_ to help him. Had to.

_What if I can’t…_

Tommy’s hand touched my shoulder. I took in a slow breath.

“I’m sure he’ll be back to being his annoying self in no time,” he said, squeezing my shoulder.

The chuckle I released was more brittle than I would have liked. “Yeah,” I said, “he will.”

We found a corner somewhere in the back of the large room. It seemed secluded enough, and easy to guard, so we settled there to wait for unsuspecting people to pass us by.

Soon Tommy was talking again, though.

“So what’s it like?”

“What’s what like?” I sighed.

“Having someone else in your boyfriend’s head.”

I swallowed. “I have nothing to compare it to.”

And there was no way he could ever understand, either, because he didn’t know what it was like to share a bond with someone. He’d never know, and that was the sad part. He’d never know what it felt like to be made whole by another’s soul combining with your own. He’d never know.

“Does it mess with your, um… your bond?”

I closed my eyes, leaning against the wall. I had no idea how to answer that.

“Kieron won’t let it,” I wound up saying, because that was true. He was currently attempting to seal that part of his mind away from the presence. The bond, _me_ …

“That’s an awful lot to take on faith, Terry.”

“You don’t understand.”

He would never understand.

“Terry…”

“He loves me.”

I wasn’t sure where the words came from, but there they were, out in the open. Tommy went silent for a moment. I kept my eyes shut. I knew he didn’t like Kieron. I could only imagine what he would think about this.

“He loves you?”

“He said he loved me.”

_Well… he admitted that he loves me. Same thing, really._

To my surprise, he squeezed my shoulder again. “I’m happy for you.”

I opened my eyes, looking at him through the fog and darkness, barely able to make out his face. “You mean that?”

“Of course I do, Terry. I know Kieron and I aren’t exactly friends, but he does make you happy. I haven’t… seen you like this since Mom died.”

And there it was, the truth we had both known all along but neither had wanted to admit. I trusted Kieron implicitly. I trusted Mom implicitly. I could be myself around both; I didn’t have to tiptoe around anything, worry about anything. It was strange, comparing Kieron to Mom, but they were both very important to me, in different ways. Mom would always be important because she was Mom. I would always love her, always miss her, always have regrets concerning her.

I loved Kieron. I always would. I had a few regrets. But in the end I knew he forgave me. Just like Mom always did. Because they both loved me, too.

And that made all the difference.

“If you tell Kieron he makes me think of Mom, we are no longer related.”

Tommy laughed. “Of course, Terry. Wouldn’t dream of it.”

xXx

“Kieron is so good at this,” Lacy gushed after we met after the game was over. She was practically bouncing on her feet she was so excited. “He seemed to know exactly when someone was approaching! His aim was never off, either. Putting those army skills to good use. I claim him as my partner from now on.”

Tommy looked affronted. “What about me?”

Lacy patted his shoulder. “Don’t worry, baby, you can’t be good at everything.”

Tommy scowled. Kieron smirked. I laughed.

“Sorry, Terry, but you have to share,” she said, grinning at me.

I shook my head, smiling. “However will I cope?”

Kieron patted my shoulder. “Don’t worry, you can’t be good at everything.”

And then we were all laughing.

Kieron was the best.

“Well, I’m going to get us a table and order some food,” Tommy said, edging away from us, out of the laser tag area and more toward the main area leading into the food court. He looked at Lacy. “Would you care to join me? I think I’m good at getting food.”

Lacy giggled, latching onto his arm. “Yes, sweetie, you are quite good at eating.”

And then they walked away, leaving the two of us alone as we, too, left that area.

I looked at Kieron. “You seem to be in a good mood,” I commented.

He shrugged.

“Did you have fun?”

“I suppose. It was interesting. Lacy has a mean streak.”

I snickered. “Yeah, Tommy said the same thing.”

“Every time we shot someone she celebrated and rubbed it in. It was amusing.”

I grinned at the humor in his voice.

“You were right.” This was spoken quietly, almost a whisper.

“I was?” I asked, blinking at him and the way he looked away.

“The distraction was… refreshing.”

He enjoyed the distraction. I hoped it helped him. I hoped it gave him a reprieve from the presence in his mind, however brief.

“So how easy was this, exactly? For you, I mean. With your senses.”

He shrugged again. “I have night vision; not fog vision.”

“But you could smell everyone, right?”

“Yes.”

“But it was still fun, right?”

He shrugged once more and nodded in the direction Lacy and Tommy had gone. “I’m hungry.”

I nodded and we walked toward the food court. We found Lacy sitting at a table, Tommy in the line on the other side of the court. We took a seat across form Lacy, who smiled at us in return.

“Did you boys have fun?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I answered, grinning at her.

_And it helped Kieron._

That was better than the fun, I knew.

So much better, because it gave Kieron a reprieve, and this was the most like himself he’d acted in a long time. I was happy it helped him.

“I think Tommy is only getting us food,” Lacy said somewhat apologetically. “We weren’t sure if you two would be joining us or wandering around on your own.”

I nodded. Kieron got to his feet because I could.

“I’ll get it,” he told me.

I smiled and waved him off, watching him go.

“You two are so cute together,” Lacy said, causing me to glance across the table at her, my gaze finally leaving my perpetual.

“Um… thanks.”

“How are things between you two? I know Kieron hasn’t been feeling well lately.”

“Things are fine,” I said, swallowing thickly. “He admitted he loves me.”

It just felt so good to say out loud.

Lacy’s face lit up. “That’s wonderful! I’m happy for the two of you.”

I smiled at her. “I’m happy, too.”

Tommy joined us, then, with food for himself and Lacy. He looked at me apologetically.

I shrugged. “I know; you weren’t sure if we’d be joining you. Kieron’s getting us food.”

Tommy nodded and sat down next to Lacy. “I’m starving.”

“Me too,” Lacy said, digging into her food.

A moment later Kieron joined us. My stomach growled and my mouth salivated. I hadn’t realized how hungry I was until now.

We ate before we came here, of course, but it had been a while. It was late, now. I was feeling hungry.

We ate in silence.

When we were finished Lacy grinned at us.

“So, who’s ready for round two of laser tag?”


	24. On the Defensive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After laser tag, things get a bit more complicated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys, sorry for the delay if you're still reading this. I posted this chapter on my other site but never got around to posting it here, and I just finished chapter 25 so I'm going to go ahead and post them both. Let me know what you think?

Chapter Twenty-Four: On the Defensive

 

The hotel room was quiet and dark when I opened my eyes, uncertain as to what had woken me in the first place. For a moment I blinked up at the ceiling, just visible from barest touch of light filtering in from the streetlights outside. Then I rolled and reached for Kieron, only to find him no next to me. Frowning, I sat up and then heard the bathroom door open. I looked toward the opening of the room, and Kieron emerged from around the corner, rubbing at his eyes, walking stiffly.

“Kieron?” I asked softly. “Everything okay?”

“I’m fine. Go back to sleep.”

I chewed on my lower lip. Things had been going so well the past two days. Lacy and Tommy had gone back home already, but Kieron and I stayed a little longer. It was nice to be away from everything, and he said the distraction helped him a little, and I’d do whatever it took to offer him even a touch of peace right now. So we stayed here for a bit, and played some more laser tag, and just stayed with this change of scenery in general.

I hoped it was helping him.

Kieron sat on the edge of the bed, dragging a hand over his face. In the darkness, his eyes glowed faintly. I took in a breath and slid a little closer to him, lightly touching his shoulder. He stiffened briefly but didn’t pull away. My fingers curled into the fabric of his shirt.

“We’ll figure this out,” I promised.

Kieron sighed heavily. “Yeah,” he breathed, “I know.”

“Think you can get back to sleep?”

“Not really.”

I nodded; I figured as much. He slept so rarely these days.

I got to my feet, keeping my grip on him. “C’mon, then.”

“What are you doing?”

I hauled him to his feet and toward the bathroom. “We’re gonna shower, silly. It’s the best way to relax – a nice hot shower.”

“I don’t know if-”

“Yes, it _is_ a good idea,” I said, scowling at him as I flipped on the light in the bathroom. I hated seeing him so uncertain and it was killing me that I couldn’t do anything about it. I couldn’t do anything to help him – what good was I?

“Human…”

“Hush, you,” I said, scowling as I turned to face him, finally releasing his arm. “Undress.”

His eyes flashed briefly. I smiled at the obvious inner struggle. “No,” he said.

I sighed, looking away. “Kieron, this will help.”

“I’m not myself.”

“How many fucking times do I have to tell you _I don’t care_?” I all but snapped, glaring at him. I couldn’t help it; the anger was boiling inside of me now. I was so tired of the hesitation, the uncertainty – _everything_. So tired of everything because this was all my fault and I hated to see this happening to him.

Kieron frowned. “Human-”

“Don’t ‘human’ me,” I muttered, shaking my head, taking in a slow breath in an effort to calm myself. Getting angry with Kieron wasn’t going to help anyone. He was just as lost and frustrated with things as I was, after all. It was so much worse for him. All I had to do was watch him lose himself; he had to actually live it. “Look, just… _fuck_. You don’t know that this won’t help.”

“We’ve had showers before,” he pointed out.

I scowled at him. “That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

He went silent for a long moment, gaze lowering to the floor, posture rigid. I knew this was so hard for him – not only was he losing his mind to that voice, but with us close like this he had to fight for control of his animalistic half as well. He was constantly at war with himself, on two very different fronts, never quite in control either way.

Giving him peace with one of those sides might help him. Except he wouldn’t let us get very close, or intimate, because of that voice in his mind. If it was going to go through the bond it would have done so already. He wouldn’t let it anyway, I knew. But because he kept trying to stay at least mentally away from me – which led to physically as well – that meant he was going to have to constantly fight his animalistic half as well. Because after he claimed me, he wanted to be closer to me, that half of him wanted to be near me. And I wasn’t complaining, but he kept fighting it now because of this presence in his mind. It was understandable, of course, but unnecessary.

I wasn’t sure _how_ I knew it was unnecessary, but I did.

I touched his shoulder lightly. His gaze snapped from the floor to instead focus on me. I offered a smile.

“You’ve been keeping me at a distance this whole time, Kieron,” I said quietly. “And that’s obviously not working. Why don’t we just try this, just once? See how it goes?”

Instantly he was shaking his head. “No,” he said firmly.

Of course I expected this.

I sighed and stepped closer to him, causing him to take a step back. Soon enough his back hit the wall and he stood there frowning at me, his eyes flashing briefly before going back to their original color, and then bright once more, constantly having a battle of hues as he struggled for control. He held a hand out, placing it on my chest, keeping me at arm’s length, but there was little strength behind it.

“Stop,” he told me.

I took in a slow breath, watching him carefully, the way he chewed somewhat on his lower lip, quickly looking away from me as his eyes flashed again. I took another step closer despite his hand, causing it to bend at the elbow, his palm still firmly planted on my chest. “Give it a chance, Kieron.”

“Stop,” he said again, voice more tense this time as he closed his eyes, keeping his head tilted away from me.

“Kieron,” I said as I stepped closer. His fingers curled into the fabric of my shirt in response, but he didn’t push me away. I took that as a sign I could keep going. “Give it a chance, okay? I know this isn’t easy. It’s not easy for me either, okay? But we have to try something; we can’t just sit by and… and let this happen.”

_That’s not an option._

I wouldn’t let him lose himself. I couldn’t.

“Terry,” he said, sighing. “I can’t.”

“Yes, you can,” I told him firmly. “Look at me, Kie. Look at me.”

He sighed again, opening his eyes, bright with that wonderful glow that was all mine. I smiled at him.

“You can do this,” I assured him. “Okay? We’ll be fine.”

I knew he was hesitant – it was written all across his face save for his glowing eyes – but nevertheless his fingers curled further into my shirt, pulling my closer instead of attempting to push me away. I easily stepped into his personal space so we were touching, connecting my mouth to his.

I absolutely hated seeing him this way, so hesitant, so unlike himself. This might help him – losing control in a different way entirely.

“Now, I want you to undress,” I told him as we broke from the kiss.

“I don’t-”

“I didn’t ask for your opinion,” I said firmly, glaring at him. “Undress, and take a shower with me.”

For a minute I worried I went too far. He didn’t take kindly to be ordered around unless it was by the Elders. For a moment he stared at me, and then his lips twitched ever-so-slightly in the faintest of smirks, before he stepped away from me just enough to undress himself. I watched him toss the articles of clothing to the side where they belonged. I smiled at him and then did the same with my own clothes. Once that was finished I hit the knob for the water, getting it the appropriate temperature before switching it over to the shower spray. Then I gestured for Kieron to enter.

As he stepped into the spray of hot – but not scalding – water, I kicked our clothes further away from the tub and then followed him into the shower, pulling the shower curtain shut behind me.

Kieron’s glowing eyes followed my every movement. Instead of feeling self-conscious about being watched so closely, I only felt relieved. Relieved because once upon a time – not so long ago – I worried if he’d ever look at me like this again. Once upon a time, in his mind, we were broken up, which left my mind attempting to ‘adjust’ to the separation.

Thankfully that time was past, but the worry still lingered. The memory of what it felt like, the fear that we would never be like this again…

But we were like this again.

I could drink it all in – but not for long. Not for long, because that presence in his mind complicated things on a level I couldn’t understand. We were on a time limit and I had no way of helping him on my own, and thus far there had been no new leads on Farrow, or what to do about that presence lingering in Kieron’s mind.

Kieron’s lips met my own again, effectively ripping me from my thoughts. I all but sank into him gratefully, the warm spray of water rushing over us. When he pulled back, those glowing eyes narrowed at me.

“If I’m not allowed to think negatively, neither are you.”

I smiled at him. “Of course, Kie-Kie. Whatever you say.”

He looked away. “I still don’t think this is a good idea.”

“It’ll be okay,” I assured him. “Just relax, Kieron.”

“Human…”

“No,” I said sharply, causing him to look at me again, “none of that. Stop doubting yourself, and stop doubting me. Here’s what’s going to happen: you are going to lose control, and we are going to have sex.”

He stiffened, as I knew he would. But there was nowhere to run, as I still stood very close to him from our kiss. His eyes brightened a little further, and he made no move to run. Personally, I was nervous, but also determined. I didn’t usually take charge or demand things of Kieron – God knows he could easily shove me away and flee if he wanted – but right now, I felt it was what we both needed.

“We’re going to have sex, Kieron,” I told him again, grinning idiotically as the words slid free of my mouth.

“That’s not safe,” he warned me roughly.

“I don’t want safe, just you.”

“Not a good idea.”

“I’m full of bad ideas, obviously. But this is happening, Kieron.” I took in a breath. “Now, finish showering so I can dirty you up again.”

“I don’t know if I like being ordered around.”

“Only indecisive?” I asked, smirking at him, and he scowled in response, his eyes still so incredibly bright.

Instead of waiting for a response which I knew would be more argument, I reached for the shampoo bottle – why were they always so tiny in these hotels? – and squirted some into my hand before running it through Kieron’s hair. He watched me briefly, before he sighed and turned around, allowing me to continue washing his hair.

I took it as a victory.

He became putty under my hands, leaning into my touch in a way he had never done before. I liked it and hated it at the same time. I liked it because he was opening up to me more, it seemed; I hated it because I doubted this would be happening right now if the voice wasn’t in his mind. That voice was ruining everything.

After I finished rinsing his hair out, he spun abruptly, eyes aglow, causing me to still immediately as I stared at him. His glowing eyes connected with my own and the next second, my back was pressed against the far wall, out of the spray of water, and his teeth were at my neck. The gasp I released was involuntary, but filled with pleasure as my eyes fell closed in bliss. It had been so long since he’d been this close to me – eyes aglow, mouth at my neck, naked with me in the shower…

He pulled away as suddenly as he’d come onto me, and I opened my eyes to find his own eyes closed, a muscle jumping in his jaw. Irritation slid through me and I brought a hand up, turning his face toward me by touching his cheek with my palm, keeping my hand there. His eyes slid open, still so bright.

“None of that,” I told him. “Lose control.”

“Human…” His voice was strained.

I took in a breath. “I want you to lose control. _Now._ ”

And then I blinked, and his teeth were at my neck again, and the pleasure consumed me. Even before his hand closed around my rising member, the pleasure was nearly overwhelming. After that happened, I released another gasp in the form of his name, and reached for him, pulling him closer to me. In response, his teeth bit more at my neck, leaving me smiling even as my hands slid lower along his back, toward somewhere much more interesting.

A growl escaped his lips, rumbling against my neck as my hands inched lower. I smirked and kept my hands where they were, going no lower but not moving back up either. After a second the growl cut off and the nibbling and biting resumed, little bursts of pleasure echoing through me each time.

He removed his mouth from my neck but I couldn’t complain, really, because then his lips connected with my own and I eagerly accepted his tongue into my mouth, pulling him closer to me. Once upon a time this would have been forbidden; he didn’t like me taking control _at all_. He wouldn’t let me touch him half the time, either, when we were like this. Slowly, he was beginning to change, though, allowing me to touch him more and everything. Allowing me to pull him closer.

He changed his rhythm along my shaft and I moaned happily into his mouth, arching upward into his grip, which was, also, usually forbidden, but this time he allowed it. As his fingers kept moving, his hand kept pumping, I slid my own hand around and gripped his member as well. He stiffened at the contact, growling against my lips, but when I just stayed still and didn’t move at all, he continued what he was doing, allowing me to continue.

I smiled against his warm, wonderful mouth.

_I love you, Kieron._

**I know you do.**

His voice in my mind nearly left me cumming then and there; it had been a while since he’d opened his mind up to me while we were this close. Chatting through the mind link was okay, at some points; but when we were close like this, he stayed away mentally, afraid to let me in or let himself lose control. The fact he was speaking to me like this, right now… while we were like this…

_Tell me you love me. Please._

Silence, and I wondered if I pushed my luck too far as his mouth moved away from my own.

Then it reconnected with my neck and his voice echoed through my mind.

**I do.**

“Kieron,” I breathed happily, as his teeth nibbled at my neck.

xXx

I woke later to find myself wrapped in Kieron’s arms, with his chest pressed against my back, his quiet breaths rushing across the back of my neck. I smiled into my pillow, relaxing further against him as I pushed a leg between both of his own. It was more comfortable this way, instead of the weird angle my leg had been at before.

I yawned, attempting to get back to sleep, but it was midday and not only did I have to go to the bathroom, but I was hungry. We hadn’t eaten yet today. Instead we’d gotten up, showered, had sex and fallen back to sleep. I wasn’t complaining, of course; it was wonderful, as always.

Reluctantly, I pulled away from Kieron and out of his arms. Usually this woke him up, but I was happy to see he kept sleeping soundly. He looked so peaceful. He needed his rest.

I crawled out of bed and picked up some clean clothes on my way to the bathroom, since I was currently naked. After relieving myself and dressing, I exited the bathroom and snagged the room keycard before I slipped out of the room and down the hallway, toward the elevator.

Once I was in the lobby I made my way toward the car, the keys already in my hand as I pushed the keycard into my back pocket. Hopefully Kieron slept the whole time I was gone; he might come looking for me otherwise, even though I could easily tell him where I was and that I was okay through the mental link.

The further away from Kieron I got, the more uneasy I felt.

I blamed it on the bond and the fact we had sex not long ago.

I stopped, there, nearly dropping my keys as I turned to face the hotel, glancing up at the windows, searching for the one which led to our room. We had sex not very long ago, and Kieron didn’t react to me climbing out of bed. Usually he growled and held me to him. At the very least, he woke up. This time, though…

I debated going back to the hotel room and checking on him.

He should have reacted.

He should have noticed.

I wanted to check on him, but that meant waking him, and he hadn’t been sleeping well lately. He looked so peaceful in bed, too. I’d wake him when I had food, I decided. I was already here next to the car, after all; I might as well do what I planned on doing in the first place, which was getting us some food. I’d wake him when I got back, which wouldn’t be more than half an hour.

Taking in a breath, I turned back toward the car and climbed inside, keying the ignition.

I’d be back in no time, and I could wake Kieron with the lure of food.

It’d be okay.

I pulled out of the hotel parking lot and onto the main road. The further away I got, the more antsy I felt, shifting uncomfortable in my seat. Swallowing, I veered off at the nearest exit which led to a McDonald’s. I didn’t usually eat McDonald’s despite the fact it was cheap, but right now it was the closest place and I didn’t want to stay gone longer than I had to.

I walked into the fast food restaurant attempting to ignore the way my skin itched. It wasn’t burning, and I knew Kieron was safe as I could feel him in my mind, but there was still something off. I wondered if it was because of the more primal connection we shared – the result of the mating bond. Or if it was because we had sex not long ago. Either way, I was eager to return to him.

After collecting our orders I slipped back into my car and back onto the road, speeding back toward the hotel. The longer I was away the more this felt like a terrible idea. Why, though?

I returned to the hotel in record time and was back up at our room within the next two minutes, swiping the keycard to open the door. As the light flashed green I pushed the door open and quickly entered, shutting the door behind me before hurrying toward the bed.

Kieron was still asleep.

I put the food down on the bedside table and sat on my side of the bed, reaching for him. He didn’t react when my fingers brushed against his bare shoulder. He didn’t react when I shook him. Dread beginning to fill my stomach, I tightened my hold and shook him more roughly.

“Kieron, wake up,” I said.

“Kieron, wake up!”

Still nothing – his eyelids didn’t even twitch. There was no change in his breathing or anything.

The dread turned to panic.

“Kieron, please,” I whispered, shifting closer to him, pushing him over a bit so that he now rested on his back. His head lolled limply and he didn’t react in the slightest. “Kieron – wake up right now! _Kieron_!”

_Kieron, please, wake up. What’s wrong? Kieron!_

It was as silent in my head as it was in the hotel room.

Silent save for the rapid beating of my heart and the panicked gasps of air.

“Kieron, _please_ ,” I choked, swallowing thickly, all but straddling him now, attempting to wake him. “Please wake up. Kieron? Can you hear me? _Wake up!_ ”

_Fuck, what’s wrong? Please, you have to wake up. I can’t… I don’t… I don’t know what to do…_

“I don’t know what to do, Kieron, wake up!” I smacked the palm of my hand against his chest. “Wake the fuck up, Kieron!”

More silence. He still looked so peaceful, sound asleep.

My hands cupped his face. “Please wake up, okay? Kieron – can you even hear me? _Kieron_ …”

_What if he can’t hear me?_

What was wrong with him?

I didn’t know what was wrong with him, and I had no way of contacting anyone who could find out. I didn’t know how to contact Ashere or Bekkah. I didn’t even have a cell phone. I thought about getting one but the only person I would ever call was Tommy, and right now Tommy couldn’t help anyway. He would tell me to take Kieron to the hospital, but they couldn’t help him.

Could they?

What was wrong with him?

“Please,” I whispered, closing my eyes, dropping forward to rest my forehead against his. “Please wake up. You have to be okay. I don’t… I don’t know what to _do_ , Kieron, I can’t… _Please_ …”

I sought the mental link, that glowing chord in my mind. It was always just out of reach, but now I struggled to reach it in any way I could. I imagined myself in my mind, hands outstretched, fingers reaching for that glowing chord which connecting my mind to his. It was still aglow, and I could still feel him, but I couldn’t contact him. I couldn’t talk to him or get him to wake up.

He was somewhere in his mind.

That was all there was to it.

Something to do with the voice. What did it do to him now?

_Please just be okay. Fuck, Kieron, I can’t…_

I couldn’t keep doing this. I couldn’t keep almost losing him. Couldn’t keep worrying about him. It was going to kill me.

In my mind, I stretched for the chord. It was always just on the tip of my fingers, allowing me to touch it but not grasp it, no matter what I did.

I continued trying anyway. I had to. I had to try. I had to reach him. If I couldn’t…

_Please, please, please…_

I clawed at the chord in my mind, reaching with invisible fingers, and finally – _finally_ – they closed around it. The chord pulsated brightly, snapping me from my mind. My eyes flew open as I gasped, pulling away from Kieron just enough to find myself staring down into his glowing blue eyes.

“ _Kieron_ ,” I choked weakly, my heart racing. “Kie, you’re okay. _Fuck_ , you’re _okay_.”

“Human?” He looked confused, glowing eyes looking from me to instead search the room before they finally returned to me.

“What was that?” I whispered, swallowing thickly around the lump in my throat as I stared down at him, worry replacing the panic. “What the fuck was that? Are you okay?”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know – you wouldn’t wake up,” I told him. “What was that, Kieron?”

He blinked a few times, sighing heavily before his eyes closed.

The panic returned.

“Kieron!”

“Stop,” he said, blinking his eyes open as I shook him. “I’m thinking.”

I swallowed again, feeling so shaken, so uneasy. “You wouldn’t wake up, Kieron. I… I…”

“So you touched the chord?” he asked.

“I… I didn’t know what else to do. And I didn’t even know I could do that, I just… I didn’t know what to do, Kieron, you wouldn’t wake up,” I told him, like he didn’t understand. He didn’t understand what that did to me, what it was like when he wouldn’t awaken. How worried I was, because I didn’t know what to do, or how to get in contact with Ashere or Bekkah…

“Calm down,” he said softly, looking at me with those wonderfully bright eyes.

I closed my eyes, taking in a slow, deep breath. “What happened?”

“I was defending myself.”

“Defending…? What?” My eyes opened as I frowned at him.

“At least, I think so,” Kieron said, frowning as well. “That’s the last thing I remember. We had sex, you went to sleep, and… the voice was getting louder. So I tried to defend myself.”

“What’s that mean? Did it hurt you? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he said, smiling faintly. “Breathe, Terry.”

I closed my eyes and did exactly that. After a few deep breaths, I felt more steady.

Kieron’s hands closed around my hips, moving me off of him. I sat next to him, opening my eyes to find him sitting up, rubbing at the back of his neck, the covers falling away from his naked body.

“Are you okay?” I asked, watching him.

“I’ll be fine,” he sighed. “Sorry to worry you.”

_Worry. Big understatement._

“Maybe we should go back home,” he suggested quietly, closing his bright eyes.

I nodded slowly. “You think Ashere found anything yet?”

“I don’t know, but if so, he doesn’t know where we are.”

Right. I hadn’t even thought about that when we came to play laser tag. At the time I’d only been hoping to distract him, and it had worked, at least for a while. Now, though… I wanted to go home, where things seemed more safe, and wait for Ashere to give us some answers.

I prayed they figured something out soon because with the way things were going, I couldn’t see a way around losing Kieron.

Losing him to himself of all things.

“So sex didn’t help,” I muttered.

“I wouldn’t say that,” he replied.

I glanced at him. His eyes were open, though not bright. “Oh?”

“I think it helped a little. It’s just getting harder to ignore that presence.”

I knew what he meant. We were running out of time, and there was nothing I could do to help him.

I was so tired of feeling so utterly useless. Unable to help the one person I _needed_ to help. If I couldn’t help him…

“I’ll pack,” I said quietly.

“I’ll get dressed,” he said.

I smiled weakly. “I don’t know. You might look good in the car like that.”

A scowl had never been so reassuring. He climbed out of bed and reached for some clothes, while I watched him.

Though not for sexual reasons; I was actually watching to make sure he was okay.

“Are you going to pack or stare at me all day?”

I smiled again, faintly, and got to my feet, moving to pack everything even though we didn’t have much.

We were on the road fifteen minutes later.

xXx

I tried not to swerve off the road when I glanced over and found Kieron asleep in the passenger seat. The panic returned and instantly I was reaching for him, shaking him, his name already on my lips, but his eye snapped open and he tossed me a glare.

“I’m fine,” he said. “Please don’t kill us.”

I released a breath I hadn’t been aware I’d been holding, and continued driving.

Finally we reached the apartment.

As we pushed the door open and entered, I was surprised to find Ashere sitting on the couch, already glaring at me.

“Where the hell have you been?” he snapped, getting to his feet and stepping toward us.

“Hey, Ash,” Kieron said. “Nice to see you too.”

His glare slid from me to Kieron. “You couldn’t bother to leave a note?”

“We weren’t planning on you breaking in,” was Kieron’s response as he shrugged.

I put our bags down in front of the couch, frowning at Ashere. “Is everything okay? Tell me you’ve found something. Kieron had an episode.”

The glare disappeared from Ashere’s face, replaced by a look of worry. “Episode?” he asked, glancing back at Kieron.

Kieron waved a hand dismissively. “It’s nothing, I’m fine.”

“He wouldn’t wake up,” I told Ashere, scowling at Kieron for always trying to downplay everything. “I shook him, smacked him, yelled at him… I couldn’t get him to wake up.”

“You hit me?” Kieron asked, quirking a brow.

I scowled again. “ _Anyway_ , I finally managed to wake him up by, um…”

And suddenly I was uncomfortable sharing this information with Ashere of all people.

“How?” Ashere prodded.

“He touched a vital part of me,” Kieron said with a smirk.

Ashere scowled.

“Not like that,” I said quickly, though I wasn’t sure why I was arguing. It wasn’t like I cared what Ashere thought. He liked Kieron anyway. “I mean, um… I touched the chord. In my mind. Connecting our minds.”

“It wasn’t a very nice wake up call,” Kieron added.

I frowned at him. “What was it like?”

“Like being thrust into the middle of sex,” Kieron replied.

“Kieron,” Ashere complained.

Kieron shrugged. “Seriously – touching it is like insta-horny.”

I stared at my perpetual. I was happy to hear him joking, of course, but somehow this didn’t quite seem like him. “Are you okay?” I asked.

He nodded. “I’m fine.”

“I’m with Terry on this,” Ashere said slowly. “You’re not quite acting like yourself.”

“I’m sorry if I’m not ‘Kieron’ enough for you,” Kieron said, the mirth slipping off his face to instead be replaced by irritation. “It’s not like this is _easy_ for me, you know. I don’t even know how to be me anymore.”

I winced at the admission.

“Kie…” Ashere said quietly. “I’m sorry.”

“Do you have anything or not?” Kieron snapped.

“We haven’t found Farrow,” Ashere said.

I swallowed thickly.

“Then why are you here?” Kieron asked.

“We did find something.”

“Oh?” I asked.

“Farrow had an apprentice, it turns out.”

“Apprentice,” Kieron echoed flatly.

I frowned at him worriedly.

“Yes,” Ashere said, dragging my attention back to him. “Someone who could take his place with the Elders should the need arise.”

That was strange. Until recently, there was nothing that could kill perpetuals, so why bother picking his own replacement? It raised so many questions.

“Who is it? Can they help?” I asked.

“Her name is Alona. We think she can help. She’s our only option right now, until we can find Farrow.”

I nodded slowly. “Do you know where she is?” I asked hopefully.

_Say yes._

Ashere smiled. “In fact, we do know where she is. She’s going to meet us here in a few days.”

The relief which slipped through me was nearly overwhelming. “That’s great,” I told him.

_Thank God._

“I’ve never heard of her,” Kieron said.

“She’s pretty well classified,” Ashere said. “Much like a certain other perpetual we know.”

“Who?” I asked, frowning.

He glanced at me. “Kaspen.”

Kieron stiffened at the mention of his brother.

The brother he never knew he had.

The brother I was supposed to be bonded to instead of him.

“They are both very classified,” Ashere said. “I’m surprised I found out about Alona. But she’s all we have right now.”

“She’s better than nothing,” I said with a nod, watching my perpetual.

Kieron shrugged. “So a few days?”

“Yes,” Ashere said with his own nod. “Bekkah should be arriving with her, along with Dettere.”

I wasn’t sure what to think about having Dettere in my apartment. It was like a safe place from the Elders and all the chaos of Ethereal. But if this would help Kieron, I would have to get over it. Helping Kieron was all that mattered right now.

“Thanks,” I said quietly. “For finding Alona, I mean.”

Ashere nodded.

I smiled at Kieron.

There was finally hope.

 


	25. Hope and Doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terry and Kie meet Alona, and more speeches are required.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to update again soon but I make no promises as this upcoming week is going to be a bit busy - my 22nd birthday is in a few days, and after that I have an appointment with my neurologist to discuss my MRI results. So we'll see how that goes. Wish me luck!

Chapter Twenty-Five: Hope and Doubt

 

“ _Fuck me,_ ” I gasped breathily as my fingers curled tightly against the headboard, Kieron ramming into me with his hands holding my hips down onto the bed. It was dark in the room save for the light from bright blue eyes, illuminating me as he looked down at me and I looked up at him.

It was hard to think he was possessed, and losing himself, when he looked down at me like this. With the scent of sex heavy in the air, the sound of our panted breaths filling my ears, the sight of his wonderfully bright eyes all I could see… It was all so perfect. _He_ was perfect.

As I came for the third time, he gave me a moment to catch my breath. I panted heavily for a few seconds, my eyes falling shut, this big goofy smile overtaking my face even as his teeth bit lightly at my neck. Little bursts of pleasure shot through me, leaving me relaxing further against the sheets which were damp with cum and sweat. Once my breathing returned to normal and Kieron slid out of me, I opened my eyes and reached for him, catching hold of his arm and pulling him down toward me.

He collapsed next to me, with a soft ‘oof’. I smiled and curled into him as his teeth reconnected with my neck, biting and licking, a push and pull of sensations in the most wonderful of ways. My fingers traced invisible patterns across his sweaty, glistening chest and stomach, inching lower toward more interesting areas when he stopped me, his own fingers wrapped around my wrist, his lips leaving my neck to instead connect with my mouth.

I eagerly kissed back, unable to stop the moan of longing from escaping even though we’d already came a few times already. Or at least I had; I couldn’t recall if he did or not, but I thought he did. I was fairly certain that was what caused me to come this last time. Not that I was complaining, of course; I loved having sex with Kieron. And not just because the physical act of sex released endorphins in my head, either.

“I love you,” I whispered when he pulled back, allowing us both a moment to breathe properly.

He smiled tiredly, resting his head against his pillow as I lay curled into his side, my head nearly resting on his chest.

“How do you feel?”

He snorted. “You choose _now_ to ask?”

He had a point.

Nevertheless as I shrugged, my shoulder knocking into his ribs. “I mean – does sex help?”

“Again – you choose _now_?”

I scowled at my perpetual.

“Fine. I think so.”

I nodded, satisfied. I was happy it helped him contain a little more of himself, keeping the voice at bay. Alona would be here soon, and while neither of us knew what to expect from her, at least she would finally be able to help. She was apparently Farrow’s apprentice of sorts, which raised a mountain of new questions, but for now I wasn’t going to bother asking any of them. I was just relieved someone could help Kieron.

Hopefully soon, the voice would be out of his head and things could go back to normal. Well, our version of normal, anyway.

“I _am_ sorry about all of this,” I couldn’t help but say, watching the serene expression beginning to overtake his face, his bright eyes closing.

He was still awake enough to scowl, at any rate. “Stop it, human. Not your fault.”

He kept telling me that, and I was tired of apologizing, but I knew it was my fault. It all came back to me; therefore it was my fault. He was possessed because of _me_. Because the voice needed to speak to _me_ and so it possessed Kieron to do that. My fault.

“Still…” I mumbled, sighing as I shifted my gaze from his face toward the ceiling, despite the darkness of the room. His eyes opened, then, brightening it a little. I swallowed and kept my gaze on the ceiling, though I felt his eyes on me.

“I thought we were past this,” he muttered.

“Yeah, well… I’m still sorry.”

He sighed heavily. “Not your fault, but I accept your apology. Now stop apologizing.”

I smiled faintly and brought my gaze down from the ceiling to instead focus on his wonderfully bright eyes. “I love you,” I told him softly, tracing my fingers across his warm skin again.

His response was to bite at my neck. The pleasure rolled through me again and before I knew what I was doing, I was pulling him more toward me.

A second later I was pinned beneath him again, but that was perfectly okay. His teeth bit sharply at my neck, leaving me gasping breathily as I clutched at him, a little surprised he allowed me to do so.

I already came three times but I was as hard as ever as his hands trailed down my sides toward far more interesting places once again.

“Kieron,” I breathed happily, allowing my head to fall back into the pillow as he positioned himself, his mouth finally leaving my neck.

xXx

Alona wasn’t due to arrive for another two days, according to Ashere, who originally left to help lead Alona to the apartment, but now he was back suddenly. I stared at him in the doorway as I kept the door barely parted, wary of his presence even as he impatiently waited for me to allow him entrance. Finally I sighed and pushed the door open further, and he stepped inside.

“What is it?” I asked. “Kieron’s sleeping.”

“I’m actually here for you,” Ashere said, sounding somewhat off-put.

“I see,” I said slowly, frowning at him. “What do you need, then?”

“Something has come up,” he said somewhat uncertainly.

“Come up?” I repeated.

Ashere nodded, running a hand across his face. He looked tired, like he’d been traveling nonstop, but that was actually probably the case. He left to meet up with Alona and Bekkah; he must have found them and then immediately have come back, with little time to rest. Perpetual or not, everyone needed rest sometimes.

“You’re needed in Ethereal,” he told me quietly. “A few of our Etherian allies are getting restless. Screamers have been snooping around, causing trouble. They’re disturbed by the fact no one has seen you in a while, since you’re the head of this war, for them.”

I shifted uncomfortably. “Yeah, well – more important things came up.”

Things like Kieron and the fact I was losing him to his mind.

“We need these allies, Terry,” Ashere said with a sigh. “I understand Kieron takes precedence but-”

“ _Exactly_ ,” I cut in sharply, glaring at him. “ _Kieron_ is the priority. They can get over themselves. I’m a human so they know I can’t really fight unless Kieron’s in danger, and we are _not_ putting him in danger. _You_ are the one who wanted me as the ‘head’ of this war, not _me_. So I will get back to them when I am damn good and ready, do you understand?”

Ashere stared at me for a moment.

There was a quiet chuckle from behind me, leaving me both stiffening and relaxing at the same time, and odd sensation to say the least. I spun to find Kieron leaning against the wall, watching the two of us. How long had he been there?

“There’s really no point in arguing with him, Ash,” Kieron told his friend with a shrug.

Ashere scowled in response. “You agreed to do this – both of you. You can’t back out now.”

I took in a slow breath, attempting to calm my nerves. Arguing with Ashere wasn’t the best idea right now, but I honestly didn’t know what he expected to happen here. “Why are you here?” I asked him finally. “When is Alona coming?”

Everything else could wait until after Kieron was better. I would be of no use to anyone until that happened.

“She’s not,” Ashere said, and held a hand up before I could explode. “She’s going to meet us in Ethereal.”

“We aren’t going to Ethereal,” I told him, attempting to keep my voice calm but the anger seeped through nevertheless. “You said it would be better for him to be _home_ while Alona spoke to him, remember? What happened to _that_?”

“Things change, Terry,” Ashere said with a sigh. “I don’t like it any more than you do, but you’re needed in Ethereal and we don’t have time to stand around arguing.”

“Fuck you,” I spat, glaring at him. “We’ll go to Ethereal after Alona helps Kieron.”

Irritation sparked to life across Ashere’s face. “I tried to tell her that, but Dettere agreed that you’re needed in Ethereal. While you talk to the Etherians, Alona will see about helping Kieron.”

I didn’t like this plan, not one bit. Ashere said it would be best to help Kieron home, where he felt at ease, where it was familiar. The familiarity might help him, like with the meditation. And now we were being called back to Ethereal and Dettere was – what? Using Alona, and her help, as leverage to get us to come?

Anger ignited through me but there was little I could do about it. Dettere wasn’t here. Telling him ‘no’ was what I _wanted_ to do, but I knew it wouldn’t do any good. We would just waste more time arguing, like Ashere said, and Dettere was in Ethereal anyway. I’d have to go there to argue with him, which would make the matter rather moot. Kieron needed the help now, and if we had to go to Ethereal, as much as I would hate it, that was what was going to happen.

“Fine,” I snapped, glaring at the ashen-haired perpetual. “But I don’t like this.”

“No one does,” Ashere sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face.

It was then that I really, truly looked at him. He had dark rings around his eyes, which seemed darker than usual. He looked mentally exhausted, torn by his desire to do what it took to help Kieron, and the instinct to follow orders. I understood in that moment that this was hard for him, too. He loved Kieron; Kieron was his best friend. Of course he wanted to help him. It was the one thing we always agreed on, no matter what – Kieron’s safety and well-being.

I took in a slow breath to calm my nerves, but it didn’t help much. Glancing away from Ashere, I looked toward my perpetual to find him watching the two of us with this blank expression. His eyes were darker than they had been in a while and I truly didn’t know how to feel about that. I wasn’t sure if the color just looked darker, dimmer, because the last time I’d seen his eyes was after sex, when they were so bright – or if it was something else entirely.

“What do you think, Kieron?” I asked, because he needed to have a say in this too. I couldn’t make all the decisions.

Kieron shrugged. “Doesn’t look like there’s a choice.”

I scowled, but he was right. “Alright,” I sighed, glancing at Ashere, “I guess we’ll go. When?”

“How fast can you pack?”

xXx

Storms in Ethereal were creepy.

The sky was basically black – consuming, empty, with random flashes of lightning at random intervals – and the rain came down hard, stinging my skin as they hit me. I pulled my jacket tighter around me, shivering as the wind picked up. I’d been in storms here before, but never outside like this, traveling. We’d been inside a house, waiting for it to pass.

I startled when there was more warmth suddenly around me, and glanced over to find Kieron now without his jacket, as it was draped around me.

“You’re gonna freeze,” I told him, moving to take it off and give it back to him, but he shook his head, dripping bangs swishing in front of his dark blue eyes.

“I’m fine,” he said, “but humans get sick easily.”

He had a point; compared to perpetuals we were fragile, vulnerable creatures. That didn’t mean he didn’t feel the cold, though, so I took the jacket off and held it out for him. He shook his head and didn’t take it, instead walking ahead of me, next to Ashere. I sighed and put the jacket back on, knowing he wouldn’t accept it.

This was why I loved him, though. He could be so sweet sometimes.

“How much further?” I asked Ashere.

“Not very far,” he assured me, sparing me a glance over his shoulder as I caught up to them.

I nodded and kept silent as we continued walking.

And walking… and walking…

By the time we approached a small cabin, my teeth were chattering despite the fact I had two jackets. Thankfully the rain had died down some, but it was still cold.

We entered the cabin to find Bekkah sitting on a couch, reading a book. She looked up as we entered, sparing us a quick smile as she closed the book.

“Glad you could make it,” she said.

“What do I have to do?” I asked.

I hoped it wasn’t more speeches. I hated speeches.

“More speeches,” she said with a sympathetic smile, as though she read my thoughts.

I scowled. “Where’s Alona?”

“She’ll be here soon,” Bekkah assured me.

We came all this way because Ashere said we had to leave immediately, and Alona wasn’t even here. I exhaled loudly, irritated.

“Can she help Kie?” I asked.

“Hopefully,” Bekkah said, glancing at the blue-haired perpetual. “How are you?”

Kieron shrugged nonchalantly. “Fine, considering.”

She nodded. “Dettere’s in the other room. I’ll get him.”

With that she got to her feet and left the room, leaving the three of us there.

I glanced at Ashere. “I thought you said we had to come immediately? Alona’s not even here yet.”

“She should be here soon,” he said, shaking his head. “I didn’t know she was going to be late.”

With the way his shoulders sagged, I knew he was telling the truth. The sooner Alona helped Kieron, the better. Assuming she _could_ help him, of course.

A chill inched up my spine.

_No, she can help him._

If she couldn’t… then I didn’t know what else to do.

“I’m hungry,” Kieron announced, and I realized we hadn’t eaten today. As he mentioned it, my stomach growled.

“Me too,” I said, glancing at Ashere. “Anything to eat here?”

Ashere nodded. “I’ll find something,” he promised as he, too, left the room.

I took Bekkah’s seat on the couch, eying Kieron. “So are you really fine?”

He shrugged again. “Doesn’t really matter.”

I scowled. “Of course it matters. It’s all that matters.”

“We don’t know if she can help.”

I frowned at him, at his tone. It was flat, like he didn’t care either way, but I knew that wasn’t true.

“You act like you don’t care,” I said quietly.

He frowned for a moment, uncertain. It was better than that blank expression. “I kind of don’t,” he admitted, like he knew that was wrong, but couldn’t help how he felt.

My frown deepened. “The presence?”

“It’s tainted everything,” he muttered, looking away.

Another chill slid through me, ice in my veins. He said that when the voice tainted his memories and everything, he became detached and stopped really caring about anything. It was why he tried to keep the presence away from his thoughts and memories of me. To think he could just stop caring…

Stop caring about _me_ …

“We’ll fix this,” I said softly, unaware I’d spoken the words aloud until Kieron glanced at me. I cleared my throat, speaking a bit louder. “I promise.”

He shrugged once more, with that blank expression back on his face. “What if she can’t help?”

He asked it so simply, like those words didn’t make my heart skip a beat, the knot in my stomach growing.

“She can help,” I said roughly.

“Just because you hope she can doesn’t mean she can.”

“She can help,” I said again, because she had to be able to help. If she couldn’t, what other options did we have? We couldn’t get to Farrow because we didn’t know where he was, and the meditation could only help so much.

Already he was beginning to stop caring.

And that terrified me.

I glanced over as Ashere returned to the room, holding out rhine to us.

Kieron sat next to me and we ate in silence.

When we finished, Dettere and Bekkah entered the room.

I inhaled slowly, looking at the Elder. “So do I really have to give more speeches? How does that help?”

“It helps them know you’re on their side,” Dettere said simply. “I know you gave speeches before, but more are needed as the Etherians’ morale is dropping. Many have died.”

I closed my eyes. Too many people had died in the war that _I_ started.

Kieron smacked my arm, causing me to glance at him and the scowl on his face. “Stop that,” he said.

“Sorry.” I looked back at Dettere. “So when is Alona getting here?”

No sooner were the words out of my mouth when the door to the cabin opened and in walked a woman I’d never seen before.

She had flowing, straight black hair and intense green eyes. Her short frame moved gracefully across the floor as she exuded an air of confidence. Her eyes landed on Kieron.

“Sorry I’m late,” she said. “Ran into some screamers.”

Now that I really looked at her, I could see the blood staining her black shirt, barely noticeable unless one was looking for it.

“Nice of you to join us,” Dettere said politely.

“So you’re Farrow’s apprentice,” Kieron said, looking at her.

This had to be Alona.

She had finally arrived.

I inhaled deeply. Hopefully she could help Kieron now.

“I am,” she confirmed Kieron’s statement. “I have been for nearly two centuries.”

For two-hundred-years she had been his apprentice. Hopefully that was long enough for her to be able to help Kieron.

If it wasn’t…

“So what does Kieron have to do?” I asked.

Her green eyes settled on me. “I’m going to do a Reading, first.”

“You can do Readings?” Ashere asked, shocked.

“I am in training to become an Elder,” she said simply.

That was… interesting. Again, it cemented the fact something was clearly off with Farrow, as he’d trained an apprentice to take his place even before the perpetual-killing weapons were created. I wanted to share my opinions on the matter, but wasn’t sure how Kieron would react, as he seemed to friendly with Farrow. The man had done a lot for him, after all.

Judging by the look on Ashere’s face, he was thinking the same thing.

“Alright,” Kieron said. “Do the Reading.”

Alona nodded and gestured for him to stand. Kieron stood in front of her, and in the next second her claws were attached to the back of his neck, piercing flesh. I shivered, watching the blood stain the back of Kieron’s shirt as my skin began to burn. I took in a few breaths to calm myself, as Alona wasn’t a threat to Kieron – she was helping him.

After a few minutes Alona pulled her claws out of his neck and frowned.

I swallowed thickly around the sudden lump in my throat. “What?”

“It’s… odd,” she said.

“Odd how?”

“I tried to only scan his memories and everything, but I caught glimpses of the presence.”

I wasn’t sure what to make of that. “Is that good or bad?”

“It’s odd,” she said again. “I’m going to need to do a Reading on you as well.”

I winced, remembering the last time I had a Reading done. The pain had been sudden and I’d been so dizzy afterward.

“Okay,” I said, because I’d do anything if it could help Kieron.

She nodded and gestured for me to stand. I stood, hoping I wouldn’t collapse like last time after it was over.

Her claws stabbed through the flesh of my neck and I shut my eyes tightly against the sudden pain. Kieron’s arm brushed against my own, and the pain eased somewhat, leaving my tense muscles relaxing.

A second later I was bombarded with memories – my parents before Mom died; attending Mom’s funeral; graduating high school; going to Tommy’s wedding; meeting Kieron in the woods for the first time; Kieron kidnapping me from my apartment for my own protection; seeing Ethereal for the first time; bonding with my perpetual; Kieron practically dying in my arms; Limbo; Tommy’s announcement of his wife’s pregnancy; Kieron, Kieron, Kieron…

It always, always came back to Kieron in the end.

When flashes of our ‘break-up’ appeared, I stiffened. Kieron’s fingers closed around my wrist, grounding me to the present and the fact we were past that time. Next came the memories of Miitha Tiaydh – almost drowning as I was trapped under rocks; Kieron’s possession; the presence which was stuck in his mind, slowly consuming him…

I came out of the Reading with a gasp, staggering back a few steps into a warm, solid chest. Kieron’s warmth filled my mind, calming me until I could breathe again. I could feel the wound on my neck closing, the skin hot with blood.

I did a little better than the first time I had a Reading; that didn’t make this any easier. I wondered if it would have been like before if our bond wasn’t so strong right now, if he hadn’t claimed me.

Alona’s brows furrowed. “Hmm,” she hummed thoughtfully.

“Hmm?” I repeated, frowning. “What’s that mean?”

She shook her head. “This is more complicated than I thought.”

I didn’t like the sound of that.

“Can you help him?” I asked.

“I’ll try,” she said, sounding less certain than before.

My pulse jumped as a lump formed in my throat. If she was having doubts about being able to help Kieron… what did that say for him?

What did that say for our chances of getting that presence out of his mind before it consumed him entirely?

“I’ll need some privacy,” she said, sparing me a quick glance. “I don’t work well with people looking over my shoulder, and I need Kieron to not be distracted.”

She made it sound so simple, so logical – leave Kieron here alone with her so she could attempt to help him, and I couldn’t be near him.

Logical, maybe, but I didn’t like it.

“In the meantime,” Dettere said, dragging my attention back to him as I’d temporarily forgotten Kieron and I weren’t alone with Alona, “you can go with Ashere and Bekkah into town. It’s not very far.”

I frowned. “Do I have to?” I asked, sounding like petulant kid.

“Yes,” Dettere said.

I sighed, shoulders sagging, but Kieron’s fingers were still firm around my wrist, the bond humming with warm energy.

“Fine,” I said reluctantly, glancing at Kieron. “Be careful.”

Kieron scoffed. “I doubt Alona is going to attempt to murder me.”

I shrugged. Alona was a stranger and I had to leave Kieron alone with her.

I had to leave him alone with her when he was being hunted, and I knew some perpetuals were working with the screamers, with Exrie.

“This way, Terry,” Ashere said, nodding at the door.

I spared Alona a quick glance.

“Your bond-mate is safe with me,” she said with a small smile.

I nodded before looking at Kieron. “Keep the bond open?”

He hesitated, looking away. “I’ll try to.”

I knew he was worried about the presence interfering with our bond or somehow attempting to travel into my mind instead, but I knew he wouldn’t let that happen. I trusted him, and the bond needed to stay open enough that I could speak to him if need be.

And then I thought about the speech I was going to have to give. It was short notice and I didn’t have anything prepared. The nerves from before returned with a vengeance, leaving me grimacing.

 ** _You’ll be fine,_** Kieron assured me, voice echoing through my mind, causing my rigid spine to loosen.

_Be careful._

**_I’ll be fine._ **

“C’mon,” Bekkah said, nodding toward the door like Ashere did before.

I nodded, glancing at my perpetual one last time, before I followed the other two perpetuals out of the cabin.

xXx

“You say you’re on our side,” an Etherian accused, “but where have you been? We’ve been fighting and you’ve been hiding like a coward!”

Irritation spread through me, along with a fresh bout of nerves. I stood on a porch much like before, looking down at the crowd with the accusatory eyes.

“I’m here now,” I said, uncertain what else I could say. “And I’m human – I’m not exactly a fighter.”

“Your perpetual is,” someone shouted. “Your powers are connected to him, right? So send him into battle and then you can destroy the screamers!”

A lot of people cheered for this, clearly agreeing with that guy.

Rage filled me, along with a spurt of panic.

I knew having Kieron in danger so I could kill the screamers easily was an option, but one I had been avoiding for so long I almost forgot about it. It wasn’t going to happen; I wouldn’t put him in harm’s way simply to kill screamers. He was worth more than that.

“That’s not an option,” I said roughly, my voice sandpaper over raw wounds.

“Why not?” someone asked.

I glared at the crowd. “I am _not_ sending my perpetual – my bond-mate – who I _love_ into fucking battle! If you think that’s an option, then I’m done with you.”

“Terry,” Bekkah said softly from behind me. I stiffened as I’d forgotten about her and Ashere. “Stay calm and keep talking.”

I didn’t want to. I just wanted to leave and get back to Kieron, see how things were going with Alona. We’d already been gone roughly four hours; surely that was enough time to help him, right?

I didn’t feel anything through the bond, really; nothing out of the ordinary. I hoped that meant he was okay.

“I want to stop Exrie as much as you,” I said, looking back at the crowd, the anger dying away. “I saw what he did to Miitha Tiaydh.”

A collective gasp was heard through the crowd. I was assuming some had heard of Miitha’s Tiaydh’s demise but didn’t know Exrie was behind it.

“He is a poison and he somehow corrupted that place,” I said firmly, watching them for their reactions. “He could potentially do the same to Ethereal.”

This was unlikely, I surmised, as he wanted to _rule_ Ethereal, not destroy it.

“We’re going to stop him,” I promised, “but we’re going to have to work together. Just because I’m not out on the frontlines doesn’t mean I don’t care, that I don’t want to stop him. I do; I’m just human, and I’m not a fighter. Sending Kieron in won’t help, because I would consider _everyone_ a threat, and that includes you guys if you’re nearby.”

Silence followed my statement. Clearly they hadn’t thought of that.

“It’s not going to be easy, but we’ll find a way to stop him.”

The walls in the Caverns of Knowledge told me that much. They also said it wouldn’t happen until Exrie thought he won; that wouldn’t happen until he killed Kieron, and I wasn’t going to allow it. It left me stuck as to finding a way to stop him without that happening, without doing as the walls said.

“In the meantime, please don’t stop fighting. Every battle you fight is another victory against Exrie. And again, just because I’m not here doesn’t mean I don’t care. I care very deeply about this.”

I glanced over my shoulder at Ashere and Bekkah.

“I think we’re done here,” I said quietly, so the crowd couldn’t hear me.

Bekkah nodded and stepped in front of me, addressing the crowd. While she did that I slipped into the house.

It was a lot like before, after giving my first speech; except this time, Kieron wasn’t there to greet me, to tell me I did a good job. He wasn’t there to greet me with his glowing eyes.

I scrubbed a hand over my face, stepping further into the living room.

_Kie, can you hear me?_

I waited a moment, but there was no response. A knot curled in my stomach.

_Kieron? I told you to keep the link open. Kie?_

Still no response.

I wasn’t sure what that said about the current situation. It could be he was too busy concentrating on getting the presence out of his mind to answer me, to hear me. But my mind kept going to darker alternatives.

 _You’re being paranoid,_ I told myself.

My stomach growled. Rhine was good but it was only so filling.

As I moved toward the kitchen, a sudden wave of dizziness overcame me as my skin ignited as though a match had been thrown into gasoline. Gasping, I went to my knees, scratching at my arms despite the burning sensation everywhere.

Memories slipped through my mind once again, except they weren’t my own.

I saw the Sacred Caverns and the Caverns of Knowledge. I saw Miitha Tiaydh. I saw Exrie invading Miitha Tiaydh, and that was when I knew this was all wrong.

I wasn’t there when he invaded, and neither was Kieron.

I was sharing memories with the presence.

 


	26. Preservation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terry has to make a choice when Kieron loses himself a little too much.

Chapter Twenty-Six: Preservation

 

“Terry? Terry!”

Hands grabbed my face, causing the burning sensation to ebb away, if only slightly. My find felt distant, fuzzy – disjointed from the rest of me. All I could think about was-

“Kieron,” I gasped, my eyes flying open wide as memories returned to me. I didn’t know how long I sat there in a haze before Ashere found me, but I remembered I was receiving some of the presence’s memories, which certainly wasn’t good. My hands trembled as I ran one over my face, wincing as the echo of pain fled through my mind. The memories were gone, as was that odd fog, and I knew Kieron must have blocked it.

I needed to get to Kieron.

Ashere’s hands fell on my arm again, steadying me as I attempted to stand. “Are you okay?”

Was that actual _concern_ in his voice?

I swallowed thickly. “I’m fine,” I said, hating the way my voice shook. “I just... Kieron. I need to get to Kieron.”

“Is everything okay?” he asked somewhat hesitantly, eyes darkening in concern. “Is Kieron okay?”

I bit down on my lower lip. “I… I don’t know,” I said honestly, and realized only then how – _dull_ everything felt.

_Kieron? Answer me, okay? Kie?_

But he wasn’t answering.

He wasn’t answering and the bond felt so _distant_. Not closed; I could still feel him there, but it was muted, somehow. Muted and dulled, as though there were a film over it.

_Kieron, you answer me! Kie!_

“He’s not answering,” I said, and the words sounded flat even to my own ears. I caught Ashere’s gaze. “He’s not _answering_ , and it feels _wrong_.”

Ashere nodded, eyes wide. “We’ll get to him.”

I followed him out of the house. It would be at least an hour before we made it back to the cabin where Kieron and Alona stayed. I tried not to think about the passing time, though, even as we moved briskly. I couldn’t run for an hour straight, no matter how quickly I wanted to get to him. My pulse stuttered each time I tried contacting him only to fail immediately after; my skin itched, but didn’t burn. I didn’t think he was in danger, but something was off.

_Fuck, what did Alona do to him?_

If she hurt him…

I took in a shaky breath. If she hurt my perpetual, I would _end_ her.

_Kieron, please…_

**_I’m fine, human._ **

His sudden voice echoing through my head left me staggering, nearly tripping over my feet, but I managed to catch my balance at the last second, earning me a confused look from Ashere.

_Kieron, fuck, what happened?_

**_I’m fine. Are you okay?_ **

_I… I’m good, Kie, I just… I saw some memories that weren’t mine… and they weren’t yours either…_

**_I know. I’m sorry._ **

He did sound sincere, too. I swallowed thickly.

_You have no reason to apologize, Kie. Why didn’t you answer me earlier?_

**_I was… disorientated. But I’m fine, human. I felt your pain. Are you sure you’re okay?_ **

It was touching that he cared. Sweet. But then I always knew he cared.

_I’m good, Kie, I swear. We’re on our way back and you can tell me what happened._

He went silent after that. I had a feeling he was avoiding the conversation. But at least I knew he was okay.

Everything else could wait.

xXx

“No.”

I inhaled slowly, watching my perpetual. “Kieron – you have to.”

He glared at me, blue eyes narrowed into thin slits, his arms folded across his chest. “I’m not doing it if it means more seeps through. Who knows what kind of damage was already done?”

It was touching that he was worried about me, but now really wasn’t the time. He’d noticed the memories seeping through the bond and had closed off a portion of it immediately, stopping his session with Alona, ripping away from her. What they did together, he wouldn’t say, only that it was disorientating in an entirely different way that what the presence did to him. I wasn’t sure what that meant, to be honest.

Now he was refusing to keep working with Alona, stating it wasn’t worth the risk to me if more seeped through. He didn’t want it consuming both of us. And while I appreciated the thought, this was wrong. Maybe sharing it would help; he didn’t know. We shared pain, after all, and that seemed to help him to some degree, so why couldn’t we try this?

It was only memories that slipped through the bond, after all; not the presence itself. And the memories probably only came to me because of my link with Kieron. He had the presence’s memories, after all, so technically I supposed I was seeing his memories, in a way. Nevertheless, he refused to continue because it could be a threat to me.

But he _had_ to continue.

“This isn’t up for debate,” I said, glaring back at him. “You need to work with Alona. I’ll be fine.”

He was already shaking his head. “No,” he said in a tone which brooked no argument.

“You _have_ to,” I said, scowling at him. “I know your mind’s a little fuzzy right now and you don’t know that you care about this, but it’s important, okay? I’m not losing you to this.”

We both sort of froze at those words, Kieron’s spine snapping rigid as he stared at me, and I stared back at him, swallowing thickly. I didn’t regret saying those words; it was the truth.

“If it goes through the bond,” Kieron said in a voice akin to sandpaper, “it won’t just mess with your head; it will _kill_ you.”

I sucked in a sharp breath at this new information, and the tone of his voice, the softening of his eyes. He cared. I swallowed hard, attempting to force the lump from my throat so I could find my voice, but the severity of his words hit me like a brick wall.

“You won’t let that happen,” I croaked once I managed to find my voice, but it came out a breathy whisper, rough and raw.

His shoulders sagged as he looked away. “I don’t trust myself.”

I took in a breath. This, at least, was a familiar argument. I stepped closer to him, touching his shoulder lightly. “I trust you,” I said firmly. “We’ll get through this, but you need to work with Alona.”

“I don’t think you understand the fact it could _kill you_.”

The tone of his voice was rough, heavy, quick…

Familiar but strange as well. I wasn’t used to hearing that tone from him.

“Kieron, I’ll be _fine_. I trust you. If you don’t do this…”

If he didn’t do this, I’d lose him.

I would lose him and everything he was, because what made him ‘him’ would cease to exist. He wouldn’t be _Kieron_ anymore. All I would have left would be his body, but he was so much more than that. The body didn’t make the person; the _mind_ did. The personality. The _soul_.

And we shared a soul bond.

He was _mine_.

And I couldn’t lose him like this.

“No, human.”

He sounded tired. I knew he didn’t like having this conversation.

“I know you can’t remember that this is important… or… I mean, you can’t remember that you _feel_ that this is important, but you _hate_ being like this, Kieron. It’s hard for you, and I _know_ it is,” I said softly, watching my perpetual and the way his dark blue eyes skittered away. “But you can’t stop, okay?”

“Human…”

“You have to keep working with Alona.”

“Do you not understand?” he snapped, clearly irritated with me. My gaze refocused on him as I narrowed my eyes, my heart racing.

“Of course I understand,” I snapped back, glaring at him. “Do _you_ not understand? We’re losing this!”

The words shocked me into silence even as I said them. My mouth snapped shut and I just kind of stared at him blankly, while this shutter came over his eyes, closing his emotions off to me. I stepped closer to him.

“Kie… I know the risks, okay? Just… you have to do this.”

He had to. If he didn’t…

_Fuck you, Kieron, you have to._

If he didn’t do this, if he let this presence consume him…

I knew the risks. If the presence slipped through the bond it could kill me, which was – shocking, but I could do with it. I could deal with it as long as he’d be okay, and I wasn’t lying when I said I trusted him. I didn’t think he’d let anything happen to me, and this would help him. It had to help him.

“Will you just…? Give it a chance?”

He watched me carefully, not saying a word, but the emotionless shutter was dispersing, if only slightly.

“I know you don’t care about it right now, but you _know_ that’s wrong. You _know_ you should.”

Indecision, written across his face.

I took in a slow breath, closing my eyes, chewing on my lower lip.

“Please,” I said softly, the word a mere breath of air pushed through reluctant lips. “I love you. _Please_.”

It was silent for a long moment before Kieron scoffed.

“You know I can’t say no,” he muttered, irritated.

I opened my eyes. He had a hard time saying no to me when I said please. I had emotional emphasis but I wasn’t entirely sure how that worked, or how to activate it.

“So you’ll do it?”

He looked away. “I will, but the _minute_ more slips through the bond, that’s it.”

I swallowed but nodded. It was the best I was going to get.

At least it was a chance.

xXx

We spent a few days at that cabin. I gave a few more speeches in town as more Etherians gathered here. The town was fairly large and was going to be used as a base of sorts. Everyone seemed pretty well armed, with swords and the like. I still wanted a gun, even though they weren’t used here.

Not that a gun would do much against screamers, or perpetuals. Blades were better for that, I’d found.

Alona had a few more sessions with Kieron, always in private. No more slipped through the bond, though I knew it was hard for him to keep everything to himself. I just wanted all of this to be over so things could go back to normal. I hated the fact things always happened to Kieron. He didn’t deserve it; he’d had a hard enough life without all of this piled onto him.

I scrubbed a hand over my face. We were currently in town while Kieron and Alona were at the cabin. I’d just finished another speech. Ashere and Bekkah were still outside talking to the crowd, allowing me to collect my thoughts and calm my nerves. No matter how many times I gave speeches, I was still so incredibly nervous and anxious. I hated it. Hated it so much, but there was little I could do about it except attempt to get used to it. Hopefully it would get easier, but somehow I doubted it.

The speeches did distract me from Kieron’s predicament, though, which was a small blessing. It gave me something else to worry about. So in a way it was a curse, too. I was going to have ulcers by the time this was all over. But I would happily deal with them, _after_ , if it meant Kieron would be okay.

I could deal with anything then.

The door to the house opened and I glanced up as Bekkah entered, leaving Ashere to the crowd outside. She smiled as she saw me, closing the door behind her.

“Have you eaten?”

I blinked. “Um…”

She scowled. “You should eat.”

I rolled my eyes, but smiled anyway. Sometimes she was like a mom. I wondered what kind of mother she would be if she ever had kids. Better than Kieron’s parents, anyway. My smile soured at the thought of his parents, and his siblings. I hadn’t seen Kleo in a long time, not since Kieron almost died on me the first time and I attached him to my limbo. I had never met Kaspen, but it felt like I needed to. We needed to find him.

Right now all I could really focus on was helping Kieron. I prayed Alona could help him.

“I’m not hungry,” I said.

“I didn’t ask if you were hungry.”

She strolled into the kitchen, leaving me staring after her.

Yeah. Just like a mother. Or an annoying older sister who thought she was your mother. Either way… bossy.

She returned a moment later with some zhin.

My eyes lit up at the donut-like treat.

“Don’t tell Kie I gave this to you,” she said, handing it to me.

I quickly took it and scarfed it down.

“So much for not being hungry,” she said, amused.

I scowled at her, licking my fingers to get the leftover frosting and whatnot. “I always have room for zhin.”

It was the best I’d tasted of Etherian food so far. I had yet to find Etherian food I actually didn’t like, which was surprising because of the way some of it looked. Even the veggies I’d eaten tasted better than back home. If our veggies tasted like that, my parents and I wouldn’t have argued over it so much. As a kid I was very stubborn when it came to vegetables, and how I didn’t want to eat them.

“How’s Kieron?”

The question nearly left me choking as I swallowed thickly, staring at Bekkah. “W-What?”

“How’s Kieron?” she repeated with a smirk.

I took in a slow breath. “He… I guess he’s okay.”

I hadn’t been around him very much these past few days while he had sessions with Alona, and I did speeches with Ashere and Bekkah. It was – disconcerting. It left me feeling rather uneasy. I hated being away from him so long. I actually hadn’t even seen him in days, not since we came to town two days ago. And before that, I only saw him in passing. We never had a moment alone together, not since he agreed to keep working with Alona, but only if he could keep the presence to himself. I still hadn’t mentioned that little episode to anyone – the fact he tried to stop being helped, and the fact it could possibly _kill_ me if it leaked through the bond…

But for now, that was between me and Kieron.

“He’s different,” Bekkah said, the mirth dying away.

I averted my gaze. “I know.”

There was no denying the truth; Kieron was different. He wasn’t the same person we knew and loved. The change was rather subtle in some ways; sometimes I couldn’t tell the difference. Then other times it was blatantly obvious. He was still Kieron, but he was different, and I ached for the old Kieron. This new Kieron… this Kieron that didn’t _care_ about a lot of things…

The only thing he still seemed to care about was _me_ , and I knew it was only a matter of time before that changed, too. I prayed Alona helped him soon. If he stopped caring about me… became _detached_ …

_Fuck me, I don’t know what I’ll do if that happens._

It took so long to get him to admit he cared. He admitted he loved me. And to think it could just end… that he could just _stop caring_ …

To have the memories but not feel connected to them like he should, like he was right now…

My head bowed and my eyes closed.

_Please don’t let that happen._

Were there gods in Ethereal? I’d pray to them if I could.

_Please, God, let us fix this. I can’t…_

I couldn’t lose him like this.

Not after everything we’d been through.

“I’m sure Alona is doing her best,” Bekkah said uncertainly.

“Yeah,” I breathed, “I’m sure she is.”

At least Alona seemed like she _wanted_ to help. She didn’t seem to instantly hate me like Blaine, at the very least. She seemed nice enough and was trying to help Kieron. That was really all I could ask of her right now. I could beg her to fix him, to make things okay again, but if she couldn’t…

Kieron’s voice suddenly echoed through my head, and my head snapped up.

_Kie? Everything okay?_

It had been so long since I heard from him.

Okay – in actuality it had been two days. We said goodbye to each other before I left. We hadn’t spoken via the bond since before that, of course. It just felt like it had been so long since we spoke to each other, since we were near each other. The longer I was away from him, the more uneasy I felt, and I knew it was because he claimed me. It was that new, primitive, primal bond we had between us. The one that demanded we stay near each other at all times.

I missed him.

Not just his proximity, I realized, but _him_. The way he was before this presence got into his head and refused to leave.

**_Everything’s fine, I think. Alona wants you here._ **

I swallowed thickly, feeling shaky.

_Why?_

In all the sessions Alona had with Kieron, she never once said I had to be there. In fact she said I had to leave, because she didn’t want to do it in the presence of others. To have this suddenly change…

_Fuck, are you okay?_

**_I’m fine._ **

The irritation in my perpetual’s voice was soothing.

I took in a slow breath, aware of Bekkah speaking to me, but unable to focus on her words or voice right now.

_We’ll head back now._

“Terry?”

I blinked at Bekkah. “Sorry.”

“How’s Kieron?”

How did she always know?

“He, um… I don’t know.”

And that was what worried me.

Her frown deepened. “What do you mean you don’t know? Weren’t you talking to him?”

I nodded. “Yeah, but… he said Alona wants to talk to me.”

“That’s…”

“Odd,” I finished for her, and she nodded slowly. “Yeah, I know. We… We need to get to them.”

She nodded. “I’ll pull Ashere away from the crowd.”

xXx

It seemed to take forever to get back to the cabin, but Alona was waiting for us on the porch. That couldn’t have been a good sign.

“Kieron’s sleeping,” she said before I could say anything, and I bit down on my lower lip. Kieron knew I was coming; why would he be sleeping? As though reading my mind, she continued. “It was not through any choice of his own.”

A burning fury tore through me. I didn’t realize I was growling until Alona rolled her eyes at him.

“I didn’t hurt him,” she said simply, getting to her feet from where she’d been sitting on the edge. “I merely knocked him out. It is for his own good.”

_Why do I hate the sound of that…_

“What do you mean?” Ashere asked, while I struggled to find my voice and push the burning away.

“He asked me to.”

I frowned deeply. “Ask you to…?”

That didn’t sound like Kieron.

Well…

My mind wandered back to just after Miitha Tiaydh, when he all but begged me to knock him out, after he first woke when we returned to Ethereal. My blood ran cold, ice in my veins.

He hadn’t been like that in a while.

Why, then…?

“Where is he?” I breathed, barely able to do so around the lump in my throat.

“First bedroom on the right,” she informed me. Then, as I was racing past her to enter the cabin: “He won’t wake for you.”

I staggered over the threshold, nearly stopped by her words, but my desire to see Kieron won out in the end, and I made it to the aforementioned bedroom. The door hit the wall as I threw it open, and there was Kieron, sleeping soundly on the twin-sized bed in the room. Except I knew better.

I knew it wasn’t peaceful.

I stood there in the doorway for a long moment, just staring at him, attempting to swallow around that lump in my throat, but finally my feet stopped being glued to the ground and I approached the bed.

“Kie,” I whispered, looking down at him as I sat on the edge of the bed, fingers itching to reach for him. Finally the temptation won over any doubt, and I threaded my fingers with his. He didn’t even flinch, not at my presence, my touch, or my voice.

I was flung back to that night at the hotel, when I couldn’t get him to awaken.

I closed my eyes.

“I came as soon as I could,” I murmured apologetically. Then, accusingly: “You said you were fine.”

_You said you were okay, Kieron. You lied._

And a part of me had known that, too. I knew something was off with his tone.

“He’ll wake sometime tomorrow,” Alona said from the doorway, causing me to stiffen and tighten my grip on Kieron’s hand as I opened my eyes, glancing at her. She stood in the doorway, leaning against the doorframe, watching the two of us. “He needed a moment of peace, and this was all I could do for now.”

“For now,” I echoed, swallowing thickly. “Please tell me you can help him.”

If it came out desperate, I didn’t doubt it. It was how I felt.

She hesitated. I closed my eyes.

“Please,” I said again.

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” she said softly.

It wasn’t an outright ‘no’.

I opened my eyes, looking at her again. She entered the room fully, closing the door behind her so it was just the two of us. Three, counting Kieron, but he was unconscious. Or sleeping. Fuck.

“I can help him,” she said firmly, and hope ignited through my chest. “But it will take time.”

“How much time?”

_Fuck, what’s it matter? She can help him!_

That was all that mattered. She could help Kieron. She could fix this. Fix my mistake. But there was this _look_ in her eyes, and…

“What aren’t you saying?” I whispered hoarsely, tightening my grip on Kieron’s hand. If he was anyone else he would have been wincing, my grip bruising, but he wasn’t anyone else; he was Kieron. He was also _unconscious_. He didn’t move in the slightest.

She went silent for a long time. I watched her, heart in my throat. I’d never understood that saying until now. I couldn’t breathe until she answered me.

“There are only two ways this can go,” she said somewhat reluctantly, which definitely didn’t seem like her. She’d always been straightforward and honest.

Swallowing had no right hurting so much. “W-What do you mean? What are they?”

“Getting the presence out of him will take time. Has Kieron mentioned the tainting?”

I nodded numbly, unable to find my voice.

She sighed. “Yes, well, all of his thoughts and memories have become corrupted. It is only a matter of time before that catches up to you through the bond. So far he’s put all his energy into shielding the bond, you, and his memories of you from the presence. He is failing.”

I knew that. I knew it, but hearing her say it…

I closed my eyes, heart hammering away just below my throat. “O-Okay. What… What can we do?”

There had to be something we could do. We had to stop this. _Fix this_. She said she could fix it.

“The best way to help him would be to find another host for the presence, since it can’t function on its own at this rate, which is why it cannot detach itself from Kieron,” she said slowly.

I swallowed. “Okay, let’s do that,” I said weakly, but I knew it wasn’t that easy. It was never that easy.

She smiled sadly. “That would be condemning someone else to his fate. I don’t him very well, but I’ve been in his mind; he might be detached from his thoughts, but I’m not. He would never allow me to inflict this on someone else.”

“But… But then what else can we do?” I asked, because she had a point. Kieron was too selfless to do that to anyone. Just this once I wished he would be selfish. I wished he would care about his own life like I did.

Care about his own life like he cared about mine.

“The only other option is to wait until it can exist on its own, which is why I said it would take time.”

I swallowed. “That… That will work?”

“In theory. But there’s a catch.”

There was always a catch.

I sucked in a slow breath, attempting to steel myself for whatever she would say next, because I knew I wouldn’t like it. If Kieron was awake I wondered if he’d be tearing his hand away from mine, because of how tightly I was squeezing it. “What’s the catch?” I asked roughly, voice raw like sandpaper.

She ran a hand through her straight hair, pushing it away from her face. “As I said, he is failing. The rest of him would become corrupted. I would also have to seal the bond.”

“Seal the…? Corrupted…?”

I shook my head harshly.

“No,” I hissed, “fuck that.”

“It’s not like there are a lot of options, Terry.”

“ _No_ ,” I said again, because that wasn’t _happening_. “I’m not losing him to this, do you hear me? I’m not!”

If I lost him to this…

If he stopped being _Kieron_ …

Then Exrie already won.

Kieron would cease to exist. I had no idea what that would do to our bond, since we were linked _mentally_ , and he wouldn’t be himself anymore. Kieron would disappear, and I had no way of knowing if it was reversible; if I could get him back afterward. He would just be _gone_. And Exrie would win.

“I understand this is hard for-”

“You don’t understand anything!” I snapped, getting to my feet, though I was jerked back somewhat due to my grip on Kieron’s hand, which I refused to release. I glared across the room at her from where she stood near the door, silently watching me. “You don’t know what it’s _like_ , okay? You don’t know what it’s been like for us!”

“Are you done?” she asked, quirking a brow at me.

I snarled. “Fuck you! You said you could help him!”

“I’m _trying_ , Terry. It’s not simple, okay?”

I shook my head. “You want to just – just – let him lose himself!”

“I can reverse it,” she said.

My mouth snapped shut, the words stolen from me. I swallowed a few times, struggling to find my voice.

“You… Y-You can?”

_Please. Please say yes._

She nodded, though her expression was pinched. “It won’t be easy. It will require some sacrifice.”

“Anything,” I said instantly, watching her, my legs feeling shaky. I collapsed back into a sitting position next to Kieron. “ _Anything_.”

She nodded again, watching me carefully. “Inflicting this on someone else doesn’t seem fair, and if he were in his right mind he would never allow it. I doubt it is something he would easily forgive, either.”

I nodded numbly. She was right. It wasn’t fair to anyone else, and Kieron would possibly hate me if I agreed to it. Agreed to let her inflict this on someone else.

I wanted to offer myself.

_Inflict it on me, it’s okay._

But I couldn’t, because Kieron said it would kill me.

And while I might be a little okay with that – better me than Kieron, right? – I knew it wasn’t the best option. I was apparently needed for this war though I wasn’t sure why; I was the cause of it, right? Why…

Kieron wasn’t aware right now, to smack me in the head or make me stop my line of thought. The lack of his input left me swallowing thickly, that lump perpetually in my throat.

_Kieron? I wish you could hear me. I wish you could respond. I wish you were awake._

I wished none of this was happening, but it was, and wishing wouldn’t change anything.

“Therefore,” Alona continued, dragging my thoughts back to her, “our only option is to wait until the presence is strong enough. Hopefully, with my help, it will be able to leave Kieron’s body log enough to find a new location to permanently stay… in about a month or so.”

A month. A fucking _month_.

I closed my eyes. Kieron didn’t have that kind of time.

“In the meantime, I can seal the bond, as I said. It will feel strange. Uncomfortable. Maybe even painful. It will be like it’s severed, but not to that extent. I’m not explaining this very well, am I?”

She sounded apologetic.

Bile. Bile in my throat.

_Severed…_

“No,” I croaked weakly, clenching my eyes closed even tighter.

_Please. Please don’t sever it. I can’t…_

I needed it. I needed the bond. I needed Kieron.

_Please…_

A warm hand landed on my knee. I flinched at the contact, because it wasn’t right. The weight was wrong. It wasn’t Kieron.

Nevertheless I forced reluctant eyelids open and found Alona kneeling in front of me, smiling sadly.

“I know you love him,” she said softly, in a tone I wasn’t aware most perpetuals could offer. “He loves you, too. It’s all there – in his memories. I can preserve them, for later.”

“P-Preserve…?” I echoed shakily.

She nodded simply. “Yes. Lock away certain attributes. Hide them, so to speak; hide them so far inside of him he won’t even know they are there, but they will be safe. If he can’t find them, neither can the presence. Do you hear what I’m saying?”

I nodded weakly. I could hear perfectly fine. That wasn’t the issue.

“But again, I need to seal the bond and preserve him. It will take a few days, so you have a bit of time. After that – I can’t fix it until the presence leaves, until I help it become strong enough to leave on its own. Do you understand?”

I nodded again, unable to do anything else but look away from her, down at my perpetual. He looked so peaceful like that, expression slack but serene, not a care in the world. He had no idea we were having this conversation. He had no idea he was going to lose himself very soon, in order to save him. And what if she failed? What if it took longer than she thought, for the presence to leave? What if it _didn’t_ leave? What if it lingered?

_What if I lose him forever?_

I wasn’t sure I could handle being locked out of the bond even for a _month_ , let alone _forever_.

_I can’t lose him forever. Please, God, please… I can’t…_

The tears were there, burning my eyes, but I snapped the lids closed on them. Crying wouldn’t help, no matter how much I just wanted to curl into Kieron’s side and cry until I had nothing left. Cry until I fell asleep, until I forgot everything. Until this was all just a nightmare.

“It’s the only option we have. If we leave him how he is, there will be nothing left to preserve.”

 _Nothing left to save,_ she left unsaid, but I heard it anyway.

The tears burned hotter.

_Kieron, please… fuck, how am I supposed to decide?_

Condemning him to this… no matter what.

One version was temporary. Maybe. Hopefully.

_What if it’s not…? What if she can’t fix it, after?_

“Have you…” I sucked in a ragged breath, on the verge of sobbing. “Have you told him any of this?”

“I have,” she said. “He doesn’t care.”

“He doesn’t…? What?”

I bit down hard on my bottom lip, praying I heard wrong.

“It’s too far into him – all he cares about is you. Everything else has become corrupted; tainted. He knows he _should_ care, but he doesn’t. Not about his own life. Not about his mind. That’s why I’m asking you. He’s not in his right mind to make a decision like this.”

A sob managed to escape then, at her confirmation of his mental state. I knew it anyway; I knew he wasn’t in his right mind. I knew he was losing more and more of himself, slipping away from me. It was why I begged him to keep working with Alona. And now _this_.

“So what would you have me do? I can preserve, and seal; that gives you four or five days at the most. Or, we can leave him be – that gives him a month. What is your choice?”

My mind went back to when he was dying because of that poison; how I had to make a decision about what to do next – give him the antidote and hope for the best, or let him die faster, since it was painful either way. And now this. Now I had to decide again.

Keep him a little longer, and lose him forever…

Or only have a few days left with him, and hopefully get him back later.

 _Hopefully_.

There was no guarantee.

The burning behind my closed eyes grew. The tears slipped out silently, little soldiers of sorrow and betrayal marching down my cheeks.

“Preserve,” I choked.

 _Preserve him. **Save** him. **Please**_.

“You wish for me to seal the bond and preserve what I can?”

I nodded brokenly.

“ _Please_.”


	27. Between Right and Wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The choice has been made, and the countdown begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep forgetting to post here. I'm sorry xD I have 4 chapters for you guys. I'll post them all now. If you haven't heard, I recently got a job working nights, so I have little free time on my hands. I work 9 hour shifts and when I'm home I'm sleeping. It's difficult to find time to write or do anything except sleep, eat, and shower, and honestly finding time to shower is difficult 'cause my hair takes forever to dry and if we use the hairdryer we run a high chance of blowing a fuse, so xD It's a hassle. Blargh. Anyway. Enjoy! Thoughts?

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Between Right and Wrong

 

It took a day for Kieron to wake up.

I didn’t sleep that night, instead sitting next to him, looking down at him. Perhaps it was creepy, watching him while he slept, but he looked so at peace, so _Kieron_ right then that all I wanted to do was hold onto him and never let go. If he could just _stay_ like that… _stay Kieron_ …

But he couldn’t.

My eyes burned, but they remained dry.

I knew as soon as he woke up and the real countdown began, I would break down. Because what if he didn’t recover after this was over? What if these were my last days with him? What the fuck would I do _then_?

I ran a hand over my face, shielding my eyes and face from the world. My bottom lip was chewed raw by this point; I was surprised it wasn’t bleeding.

_Please, what am I going to do if…?_

If I lost him.

If Alona couldn’t help him after this was over.

What the fuck would I do then?

I didn’t know. I couldn’t think about it. Living without Kieron – it wasn’t possible. I knew this. The bond knew this. There was just no _way_ I could lose him forever. The thought was unbearable, causing me physical pain – my head throbbed incessantly. I knew it was probably stress and worry combined to form _something_. Something I had no desire to think about right now.

The fingers of my free hand – the one not covering my face as I attempted to hide from the world – tracked smooth, random patterns along Kieron’s hand and wrist. He never twitched or moved, or gave any indication he could feel what I was doing – that he even knew I was there. He was dead to the world, and I hated it. Hated it as much as I loved it. When he was like this, the presence couldn’t get to him. Nothing could. He was himself, and he was okay – he looked so at peace. So content.

I wished he could stay like this.

I _needed_ him to stay like this.

Stay himself, stay content, stay _at peace_.

I just needed him to be okay.

_Fuck, please, just be okay._

But he wasn’t okay. Far from it; I was losing him to his mind of all things. Or rather, I was losing his mind to that presence. The very essence that made him who he was – his personality, thoughts, memories, dreams, desires – and I was _losing it_. Worse still, I was helpless to stop it. All I could do was make a decision on his behalf.

Make a choice, and pray that it turned out okay in the end.

And when this was over, and he was okay – because accepting anything else was _wrong_ and I just _couldn’t_ – we were going to get away from all of this. We’d move if we had to, hide away somewhere, but we’d get away from this war, from Ethereal, from _everything_. At least for a while. At least for a little while, we’d be normal, and he could relax and recover and we could just _be together_.

I couldn’t wait for that time.

I just had to get past _this time_ , first. And it was so very difficult, because if Alona couldn’t reverse this, after the presence was gone… if she couldn’t help him…

If I never got him back…

I wasn’t aware I was sniffling, on the verge of tears once again, until fingers that were not my own caressed my cheek. My eyes snapped open and I looked down at Kieron to find him watching me tiredly, blue eyes barely parted into thin slits. My breath cut off as I stared down at him, choking on words I couldn’t say, and he nodded once. He nodded, and his fingers moved from my face to instead snag the front of my shirt, yanking me down sharply. My face buried easily into his chest as I collapsed into his side, choking back a sob.

“It’s okay,” he murmured, threading fingers through my hair as he kept my head securely fastened to his chest. All I could hear was the perfect rhythm of his heart.

“It’s not,” I choked, voice half muffled by his shirt as I curled more into him, attempting to hide away from the world in the black fabric, fingers curling into it, fingertips lightly scraping against skin but he didn’t seem to care. “It’s _not okay_ , Kieron…”

His fingers combed through my hair, soothing, comforting. I loved him. I loved him like this, and I wanted to keep him. I wanted to keep him _so badly_. My eyes clenched shut tightly as I drew in a shaky, ragged breath, listening to his heart beat rhythmically beneath my ear. His breaths were deep and even. There was nothing _physically_ wrong with him; his body was fine, it was his mind that was faltering. His thoughts, memories, personality… his _core_. The very thing that made him _Kieron_.

“What did you decide?”

I swallowed roughly, the sound loud in the otherwise silent room, save for the beat of his heart beneath my head. “I… K-Kieron…” A tear slipped free as I sniffled, forcing the rest back. Crying wouldn’t solve anything. Why did I feel so shaky? Other than the fact I could lose him forever… “I chose to… p- _preserve_ …”

His fingers continued running through my hair, soothing as they scraped lightly against my scalp. My mom used to do this when I was sick or upset, when I was very little and could fit on her lap. I curled more into my perpetual, breathing in the scent of him.

“I just want you to be okay,” I whispered, biting down hard on my lower lip to keep it from trembling.

Those fingers stilled in my hair, before they tugged. I lifted my head and looked into his dark blue eyes. “It’ll be fine,” he said softly, smiling faintly. “Isn’t that what you’re always telling me?”

I nodded, swiping a hand over my face, blinking back the burning tears. “Y-Yeah, something like that.” I took in a slow, steady breath – or, at least, a facsimile of one. “How… How do you feel?”

“Dunno.”

“Don’t…?”

I shifted up a little more so I was now sitting next to him, looking down at him. His hand fell away from my hair as he watched me. Watched me… _differently_. There was something about his gaze that was just _different_ than it was before, but I couldn’t quite place it. It didn’t seem like a _bad_ different… just odd.

He sighed, blinking as he looked away, focusing instead on the ceiling, since he was still laying on his back. “I know I _should_ feel… something, but I just…”

_Don’t._

He just didn’t feel anything, really.

I closed my eyes.

Fingers brushed lightly against the fabric of my curved knee, due to my awkward position next to him. My eyes opened and I looked down at Kieron to find him frowning up at me.

“I’m not me anymore,” he said semi-regretfully, biting down on his lower lip, “am I.”

The breath I inhaled was sharp and bitter. “I… I…” How could I possibly answer that question? He was still Kieron; it was still Kieron talking to me. It just… wasn’t _completely_ him. So much of his personality had already disappeared and I had no way of knowing if we could ever get it all back. “Of course you are,” I said roughly, closing my fingers against those that brushed against my knee. “You’ll always be you.”

Kieron couldn’t _not_ be Kieron. It wasn’t possible.

He sighed, eyes falling closed. “You’re lying.”

I shook my head even though he couldn’t see me. “I’m not,” I said softly. I tightened my hold on his hand, causing him to open his eyes. “The presence can’t take that away from you, no matter how hard it tries.” I took in a shaky breath. “How do you feel?”

He shrugged. “Sore.”

I nodded; he’d been out for an entire day. Twenty-four-hours. Actually more around twenty-seven-hours. He was probably stiff from staying still for so long. His palms pushed against the bed beneath him as he released my hand, and he pushed himself into a sitting position, twisting his neck this way and that, wincing somewhat. Yeah; sore.

I watched him all the while, unable and unwilling to tear my gaze away.

“I’m so sorry, Kieron.”

The words tumbled out of my mouth before I could swallow them back. His eyes narrowed somewhat as he stopped rubbing at his neck, his hand dropping down into his lap.

“Why?” he asked.

I closed my eyes. “You’d be okay if it wasn’t for me.”

“Not this again.”

“But it’s true.”

“No, it’s really not.”

I shook my head, closing my eyes tighter. “I’m so _sorry_ , Kieron. You don’t… You don’t deserve any of this.”

“Terry.”

The way he said my name left me swallowing thickly.

“Look at me.”

“Kie…”

“I won’t bite.”

I winced, because half the time, I _wanted_ him to bite me. Taking in a slow breath, I pried my eyes open and focused on him. He forced a smile; the effort was what meant the most to me, not the actual outcome.

“It’s not your fault,” he said softly. “How many times do I have to tell you that?”

“Kieron… How can you not blame me?”

“Do you blame _me_?”

“What? For what?”

He shrugged. “Anything. Ruining your life. Getting you involved in all of this. Making you at least co-dependent on me because I claimed you. Take your pick.”

He said it all so casually. I glared at him.

“I would never blame you for that,” I told him sharply. “And you didn’t ruin my life! How could you possibly think that?”

“I don’t know – how can you possibly think everything’s your fault?”

“Because it is!”

“Okay. Except it’s not.”

He could be so damn stubborn. I wanted to be angry with him for that, but actually I was just so _relieved_. Relieved to see that at least _something_ hadn’t changed. He was still as stubborn as ever.

“I love you,” I said quietly, around the ever-present lump in my throat.

He blinked at me. “I know you do.”

“I…”

I closed my eyes again.

“We can… They said we can go back home, if… if you want. I mean, you only have a few… a f-few days, s-so…”

And I couldn’t say it all. I couldn’t keep going, because it was true. He only had a few days left to be himself, before I lost him. Lost him to that presence. Before the bond was sealed, and I had no idea how I was supposed to deal with that, or handle that. I tried not to think about it.

But we could go home for a few days. Make him comfortable. Make him comfortable and say good-

“Human.”

I took in a shaky breath, attempting to push those traitorous thoughts away, but still they lingered in the back of my mind, ready to ump me at the next available moment. The next moment I let my guard down and didn’t have something else to immediately focus on.

“Home sounds nice,” he told me, when I opened my eyes and looked at him again.

I smiled weakly. “Yes,” I murmured, watching him as he yawned, “it does.”

Because home wasn’t a place anymore.

Home was Kieron.

Anywhere with Kieron.

And I couldn’t wait to get back to that, after this was over.

After everything was okay.

Because accepting the alternative wasn’t possible.

xXx

Dettere wasn’t happy about letting us return to the apartment, even if it would only be for a few days, but he could go fuck himself for all I cared right then. This was his fault, partially; if he hadn’t insisted Kieron needed to get control of himself, then Kieron and I wouldn’t have fought in the first place, and perhaps then, Miitha Tiaydh would have gone differently. Or if he just hadn’t gotten separated from us in Miitha Tiaydh, perhaps the presence would have possessed him instead, and maybe it wouldn’t have gotten stuck in him like it did Kieron. He was an Elder, after all.

But no – that wasn’t how it happened, and nothing I did could change that.

Instead I tried to focus on the here and now, rather than the past I couldn’t change.

We arrived at the apartment nearly an hour ago. Kieron had been napping since then, and I was fixing dinner. It took us about half a day to get here; we’d wasted so much time already… if he was lucky, he only had three days here with me. Three days to be home, before…

I closed my eyes, rubbing the heel of my palm across my face. I tried to ignore everything going through my head except the sound of the pot of chili boiling as I stirred it blindly. Finally I pried my eyes open because I needed to focus. The food was almost done. I needed to wake Kieron, but the thought of rousing him… of watching time slip away, watching that serene expression slip away from his face…

_No. Stop it. Kieron needs you, so pull yourself together._

I could do this, I told myself. I had to do this.

I turned the stove off and grabbed two bowls, along with silverware. After setting the table and getting our drinks ready, so Kieron wouldn’t have to worry about anything, I sucked in a ragged breath, attempted to calm myself, and finally made my way toward the bedroom.

The worst of winter was over, so it wasn’t freezing outside anymore. The apartment was still a bit chilly since the furnace wasn’t kicking on, since we’d turned it down. We also always had a large fan on, in the bedroom; I had a hard time sleeping without the noise of it, when we were here. Which was strange, because I could sleep okay on the hard ground in Ethereal just fine, without it, but when we were here…

I sat on the edge of the bed, reaching for my sleeping perpetual.

_I want to keep you…_

Kieron wasn’t a possession by any means, but he was _mine_ , and I was his. And that was the only way I wanted to live. I couldn’t… if we couldn’t fix this…

Kieron’s eyes blinked open the moment my fingers brushed against his arm. I swallowed as dark blue eyes focused on me. My lips twitched into a forced smile, but it probably looked more like a grimace than anything else.

“Hey, sleepyhead,” I said softly, happy my voice didn’t waver. “Supper’s ready.”

He nodded once, watching me, a slow smile crossing his face.

I frowned. “Kie?”

“I like it when you cook for me.”

I blinked down at him, uncomprehending for a long moment. He’d never once said that to me. As this realization slammed into me, I knew what it meant, and I shook my head, getting to my feet. “We should… eat, before it gets cold.”

It wouldn’t get cold for a while yet; waiting would probably help us not burn our tongues, but at the moment I didn’t care.

Kieron was telling me things, looking at me differently…

A part of me liked it, but he was only doing this because he didn’t care. He was detached from his other memories, his other feelings; everything was tainted. All he knew anymore was me, apparently, and while that sounded good in theory, it was… _scary_. Scary because his core personality had shifted, and I didn’t know what to do with this information.

With this new Kieron.

He seemed more open, but that was only because he’d forgotten how closed off he used to be. A part of me loved this; I loved him being open with me. But another part hated it, because the standoffishness was a part of him. Part of what drew me to him in the first place, despite how little we got along when we first met.

I didn’t want him to change; I would never want him to change.

He followed me silently into the kitchen, sitting at the table, a bowl of chili already in front of him. He picked up his fork and began stirring the food, steam rising thickly into the air. I sat across from him, watching him as he took his first bite and a smile spread across his face. He hadn’t seemed this… _happy_ , in a long time.

He seemed happy.

He remembered his history, what happened through his life, but he was disconnected from it, like it didn’t happen to him. He didn’t seem to have all the emotional baggage forcing him to be downtrodden, or standoffish. It was like it never happened to him, because in his mind, it was like it happened to someone else.

And again, a part of me liked this…

But another part…

We ate in relative silence. I chewed and swallowed but didn’t really taste much of anything, my thoughts elsewhere. I was so incredibly torn; I wanted to enjoy the last few days I’d have with Kieron – and pray that it _wouldn’t_ be the last few days… - but I also wasn’t sure how to go about doing so. How could I enjoy it when we were on the final countdown?

And then, in the back of my mind:

_What will I do without him?_

My mind blanked. I couldn’t think of it.

I didn’t realize how awkward the silence was until I felt Kieron’s eyes on me. Swallowing, I refocused on my perpetual and found him frowning at me. “I’m fine,” I said instantly, forcing a smile.

He hesitated, putting down his drink and averting his gaze. “I can… leave, if this makes you uneasy.”

My eyes narrowed. “You’re not leaving.”

“You’re uncomfortable.”

“It’s an uncomfortable situation. I’ll deal.”

“Terry…”

I took in a breath. “No. Just – I’ll be okay. How are you?”

“The same as the past ten times you have asked,” Kieron replied, a touch of his usual irritation in his voice. The irritation left me actually smiling for real this time; it was the most _Kieron_ he’d sounded in a while. I pushed to my feet, collecting our empty dishes and placing them in the sink. I felt his gaze on me the whole time.

“You understand why this is hard for me, yeah?” I asked, turning back to face him.

He blinked once, slowly. “Yes.”

“And why is that?”

He scowled somewhat. Again, the expression was just so _Kieron_ , I felt myself relaxing. “I don’t know.”

I sighed. “Because I love you, you idiot. You remember that, right?”

_What if he doesn’t…?_

I shoved the thoughts away.

He nodded. “I know, I remember.”

I smiled weakly. “Good. Just… always remember that. Because I do love you.” I sucked in a shaky breath, dragging the heel of my palm across my face. Somehow, it didn’t help with the nerves at all. “This just really fucking sucks, Kieron.”

“A bit of an understatement.”

“Yeah. It really is. I don’t… I’m going to be a bit awkward, and I’m sorry. I just… this is hard for me, and I know it’s worse for you.”

He frowned. “It’s really not.”

I glared at him. “You’re just saying that because you can’t remember that you used to really care about this – how much you used to _hate_ the fact you were… changing.”

“Then maybe it’s better I don’t remember that.”

I shook my head. “No. It’s not better, not at all. It’s… It’s who you are, okay, and _fuck me_ , I love who you are. So… So… it’s not better.”

He looked a little confused.

Swallowing shouldn’t have been so hard. “Okay, let’s look at it this way. You love me, right?”

He didn’t even hesitate before nodding.

_God help me…_

No. This wasn’t better.

Were there knives in my saliva, cutting my throat as I swallowed again?

“You… You love me how I am, right?”

Another nod.

“So if I suddenly changed…”

“Changed?” he repeated with a small frown.

“If I stopped caring about certain things… if my personality changed…”

His brows furrowed somewhat. “Don’t change.”

I took in a slow breath. “Exactly. You love me for who I am, right?”

Another nod.

_Fuck… if he keeps agreeing to this so easily…_

“You don’t want me to change. Well, I don’t want you to change, either. For the same reasons. I love you for who you are, Kieron, crappy past and all.”

He watched me for a long moment.

Then, finally, nodded again, leaning back somewhat in his seat, averting his gaze somewhat.

“Kieron?”

I really didn’t like that look on his face.

“So you do not… like me how I am now.”

“Kieron, it’s not like that,” I said softly. “I still love you; I always will. I just… I know you can’t remember how much you hate this, but I know you do, okay? If you weren’t so disconnected to your memories right now… you’d see how wrong this all is.”

“So I’m wrong.”

I winced. “It’s not like that, okay? You’re not wrong. You’re just… not quite yourself, right now, that’s all.”

“Still wrong.”

I shook my head. “No, Kieron. You’re not wrong.”

“But you just said-”

“Please,” I said quietly, swallowing thickly around the lump of knives in my throat. “Please, Kieron, I’m really trying here. This is… so fucking _hard_ , especially since… since you can’t remember how much this isn’t what you wanted.”

“Well, maybe I was wrong.”

“No, Kieron. You weren’t wrong.”

Frustration entered his voice. “Then I do not understand.”

I blinked, confused. “Understand what?”

“I was an ass before. Now that all I care about is you, you do not want me.”

My eyes widened as I stared at him. “W- _What_?” I stammered, unable to draw in the appropriate breath to properly say the words I wanted so badly to speak. “What makes you think I don’t want you?”

His eyes flashed briefly, to that wonderful, bright blue, before back to normal as he glared at me. “You have been avoiding me since we returned to the apartment. I am sorry I am not ‘Kieron’ enough for you, but to say you prefer the old me is… unsettling.”

“Why unsettling?”

He frowned, lips twitching downward. “I was an ass,” he repeated.

“An ass?”

He nodded slowly.

“Kieron… no. No, you weren’t an ass, you were _you_ , and I fucking _love you_ , okay? I never wanted you to change.”

“So you do not want me anymore, now that I have.”

“Kieron, _no_. It’s not like that. _Fuck_. Stop putting words into my mouth.”

“So if I requested sex right now…”

I stared at him. “Are you…? Are you being serious?”

He blinked once, eyes flashing again. “Completely.”

“You…? You want _sex_ right now?”

He hesitated, looking away. “I only feel like… _him_ , the real ‘Kieron’, when I am with you. Like that.”

I stared at him for a long moment, my mouth suddenly as dry as a desert. A million thoughts raced through my mind, all of them vying for attention. I honestly wasn’t sure how to respond to him. I knew sex helped at least a little, but this… right now…

I loved him. I always would.

So of course I wanted to have sex with him.

But he wasn’t himself right now.

He was basically inebriated; inebriated with a presence in his mind, disconnecting him from his memories and past. In a way, having sex with him right now would be taking advantage of him, because he couldn’t remember why he’d been so closed off, before.

And yet, in a way, sex could help him.

He wanted it; said it would help. Said it was the only time he really felt like ‘Kieron’.

And how the fuck could I deny him _that_?

_I can’t._

I couldn’t deny him that.

I wasn’t aware anything had changed between us until warm breath ghosted along my neck, causing me to shiver as my eyes opened. Kieron was now next to me, nuzzling at my neck, nipping lightly but not truly biting. Teasing, almost. Tickling.

Warm bursts of pleasure shot through me. A gasp escaped my lips as I all but threw myself at him, unable to stop myself in that moment. Right now all I knew was Kieron was here with me, his teeth were _near_ my neck, and there was a conversation about sex. He hadn’t really been this close in a while – it wasn’t _that_ long, but it was since before we went back to Ethereal. The more primitive half of the bond thought this distance was unacceptable. Now, he was so close to me… offering sex… because he said it helped him…

How could I say no, when it helped him?

“Kieron…” I breathed as his tongue pressed against my skin.

“Is that a yes?” he asked in this semi-amused tone.

Kieron, asking for sex. The normal Kieron never asked. I wasn’t sure what to think about it now.

_Fuck, I just want him to say. I want my Kieron._

And this… It was Kieron, except it wasn’t Kieron. Half and half.

I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye.

His eyes were so wonderfully bright, so _Kieron_ , and there was this _gleam_ in his eyes. A predatory gleam. In that moment, he was _my_ Kieron. Animalistic tendencies and all.

“Kieron,” I whispered, and his bright eyes snapped toward mine. I ran my tongue across my dry lips, struggling for words, but in the end I only wanted one thing right now – _needed_ one thing. “ _Bite me_.”

If possible, his eyes brightened even more. A primal part of me felt rather satisfied; that glow was for _me_ , it was _mine_. _Kieron_ was mine. _Mine_.

Primal instinct, primal need.

 _Mine_.

His teeth met my neck and bit down, skin caught between his teeth. Unlike when he first tried to claim me – when I accidentally got out of bed after we had sex and his animalistic half didn’t particularly like that – the bite didn’t hurt. Of course, he wasn’t claiming me right now; we did that already. Once was enough, he said.

After we made it through this – because any other option was unacceptable – I was going to make him claim me again, though. Just to be sure. Just to be sure it was all over, and we were both alive, and he was mine and I was his.

It was hard to convince myself, right now, that this wasn’t Kieron. Wasn’t really _my_ Kieron. It was a part of him, but it wasn’t him at the same time. It was his body, his voice, his eyes… his teeth at my neck, his scent all around me…

All biological things that couldn’t be changed.

But the essence of himself, what truly made him _Kieron_ … that was what was missing. And this new Kieron… I had no idea what to make of him. It made me feel so very torn right now, but the more primitive half of our bond was increasingly satisfied. This was his body against mine. Those were his teeth at my neck. His fingers tugging my shirt over my head.

_Wait, what?_

As my shirt hit the ground, reality came crashing back into me.

_This isn’t Kieron…_

Except it was. It was Kieron.

And yet…

Before I knew what I was doing, my palm was flat against his chest, pushing him away. A snarl shot through the air and his teeth bit down more on my neck, causing a touch of pain. It wasn’t much, but it was there all the same, and there was no soothing lick afterward. He just held his bite there, skin caught between teeth, and I bit down on my lower lip.

_Right. Can’t push him away – that would be ‘rejecting’ him._

And I would never reject Kieron.

This would help him, he said.

It would make him more… _Kieron_.

And I would do anything for that.

For _my_ Kieron.

I was so conflicted right now, though.

“Kieron…”

A growl was my response, the sound reverberating through my skin.

A shiver ran down my spine in all the right ways. That growl was _Kieron_.

In this moment, with his eyes so bright and his teeth at my neck, he was Kieron. My Kieron. Not the new Kieron who only cared about me, but the animalistic Kieron. He didn’t have his animalistic features right now, but he still wasn’t fully in control. And right now, he was the most like Kieron he’d been in a while.

_I want this._

I wanted him like this.

_My Kieron._

_Mine_.

I removed my hand. He growled for a moment longer, then the sound cut off. He caught my wrists between his hands, his teeth still connected to my neck, and he then began to maneuver us into the bedroom. My pulse raced as I released a shaky breath.

_I love you…_

I had no idea if he could hear me, if he was even listening.

But I sent it toward him nevertheless, unable to find my voice right now.

_I love you. No matter what._

His tongue flicked across my skin, soothing what little pain there was. He pulled back, then, but only enough to push me down onto the bed so I was on my back. A second later his fingers caught hold of my pants and tore them off of them, tossing them across the room. As he moved to hover over me, sniffing at my neck again, my fingers caught on his own shirt.

“Clothes,” I said roughly. “Off. Now.”

Another growl, deep in his throat, but he allowed me to tug the shirt off and unfasten his pants. After his clothes hit the ground as well, I smiled at him, running my gaze up and down his body.

He was perfect.

Of course, his body wasn’t the issue.

His body was still the same, still Kieron.

The mind, however…

I swallowed, smile faltering somewhat.

His growl deepened, his teeth immediately latching onto my neck, over where he claimed me.

“Whoa,” I breathed, wincing somewhat. “Whoa, hey, I’m not rejecting you. I’m not going anywhere. Kieron, it’s okay.”

A moment later the growl cut off. His tongue slid over the skin, soothing it again.

“I love you,” I said softly.

He hummed into my skin, the vibrations tickling me yet feeling amazing at the same time. My hands moved on their own, folding around his arms, needing something to latch onto. His arms were currently holding him up, placed on either side of my body, so he didn’t fall on me. He growled briefly at the contact but allowed it, still biting and licking at my neck.

Each bite and lick sent a little burst of pleasure shooting through me. At this rate, I was going to cum without him even really touching me. By this point my breaths were shaky little pants as I clutched at him.

“Kieron,” I gasped as he bit down again, leaving my eyes falling shut, “touch me.”

And he did.

He raised one hand, balancing himself with only one arm, and then his fingers closed around my throbbing member, leaving me gasping breathily, arching into his touch. His teeth left my neck but before I could whine about it, his mouth connected with my own, quickly silencing me. As he began pumping his hand along my dick, in a steady rhythm, the kiss deepened, swallowing my whimper.

It had been so long since we did this, it felt like. How long had it actually been? Since the hotel, I knew. How long ago was that? I couldn’t think clearly right now.

His mouth left mine, and his hand left my throbbing member. I whimpered in protest, reaching for him, but he released this low growl, making me stop. Those glowing eyes watched me as he moved down the length of my body, and then-

“ _Fuck yes_ ,” I gasped as his mouth closed around my dick, all warm suction and perfection. He was too damn good at this, I decided. Always so perfect at this.

 _I love you,_ I sent to him through the bond. _I love you, I love you, I-_

He hummed, the vibrations making it so much better. I gasped and arched into him; he allowed the movement, easily accepting more of me into his mouth, leaving me panting at all of his perfect suction.

With a few quick swirls of his tongue around the head, I was cumming before I knew it.

I gasped as my vision was whited out with bliss.

And he kept going.

He just kept _sucking_.

 _“Kieron,”_ I all but whimpered, and he hummed in response. The vibrations left me hardening long before I was ready. “Kieron, _fuck-_ ”

He released me with an audible _pop_ , leaving me gasping as I curled my fingers into the covers beneath me, staring at him and his wonderfully bright eyes.

Those bright eyes…

 _Mine_.

My out of control perpetual.

 _Mine_.

_My Kieron._

“I love you,” I breathed, watching him.

His lips twitched somewhat, into a suppressed smirk.

I loved him, and I was so conflicted.

This was Kieron, though.

My body was responding perfectly to all of his touches.

It was just the fact that I didn’t know what to do with myself, or him, after this…

_No. Don’t think about that right now._

Kieron’s lips twitched downward somewhat. His eyes flashed dangerously and his hands pushed down on my shoulders as he snarled down at me, lips pulling back to reveal sharp teeth. I swallowed, staring up at him, not even struggling to get up. His face moved toward my neck, his nose sniffing at the mark of the bond, and the claiming.

“ _Mine_ ,” he snarled.

_Oh – he must have sensed my thoughts…_

Did he think I was rejecting him?

No, I would never do that.

 _“Mine_ ,” he growled again, teeth nipping slightly at the skin.

“Yes,” I said. “Yours. I’m yours.”

I was all his, and he was mine, and I never thought that was something I wanted out of life. We didn’t _own_ each other, of course, but we were each other’s all the same. And now it was all I wanted out of life – was to be his, and for him to be mine, and it was so incredibly lame and cheesy but it was _perfect_.

And I just wanted us to stay that way.

“I’m all yours, Kieron – forever.”

_Whoa, Terry. That sounds a little… like marriage._

But we were basically married, weren’t we? By Etherian standards, we were pretty much married since we had to bond, especially since he was a perpetual. This was the first time the thought was erupting through my mind like a volcano, though, and now I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

_Kieron and I are basically married._

I giggled without meaning to, feeling more warm and light than I had in days – weeks. Kieron quirked a brow at me in that wonderfully familiar way of his, even as he growled as I shifted. His fingers curled further into my shoulders, keeping me pinned, but it didn’t hurt.

Then his mouth connected with my neck, and I was lost to yet another haze of bliss.

 


	28. Conflicted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are second thoughts about sex with Not-Kieron, who is still Kieron, and yet isn't... and Terry's just very conflicted. Meanwhile 'Kieron' urges him to confide in someone.

Chapter Twenty-Eight: Conflicted

 

It was hard to remember how wrong everything was, when I woke in Kieron’s arms. I loved waking like this, with his naked chest against my bare back, the scent of sex still a bit heavy in the air. If I had it my way, this would be how we woke every morning. But this was wrong, because we were on a countdown, and Kieron was still losing himself.

He was Kieron, and yet he wasn’t, and I was so damn conflicted about all of this. Was it wrong of me to have sex with him? It didn’t feel wrong at the time; I enjoyed it, and so did he, and he said it helped him. I would do anything to help him, therefore it couldn’t be wrong.

Why, then, did it almost feel like I cheated on _my_ Kieron? The sometimes grumpy one, with a terrible past, and closed-off tendencies?

But that was crazy, because Kieron was still Kieron. Just… without some of his worse memories, that was all.

And it was all so very confusing, and conflicting.

It was then I realized what woke me in the first place.

The phone was ringing.

Probably Tommy.

A part of me didn’t want to speak to him – mentioning Kieron’s condition would make everything all too real. The longer I delayed telling my brother, the more like a dream – a nightmare – this felt, something I could easily snap out of at any given moment.

Sadly, that wasn’t the case. This was all too real.

I was going to lose Kieron – at least for a little while.

And then I would have to pray I got him back, because if I didn’t… if the bond was truly severed and not just sealed…

Bile rose in my throat and I swallowed it back down harshly, shoving those traitorous thoughts away. I couldn’t think like that; I’d get Kieron back. _My_ Kieron. I’d get him back after this, and everything would be okay. Everything _had_ to be okay. If it wasn’t…

_Please just let me get him back._

I couldn’t think about life without him. It wasn’t going to happen, so it didn’t matter anyway.

Kieron’s arms tightened around me marginally as he breathed in heavily, alerting me that he was awake. I wasn’t expecting the kiss he planted against the back of my neck, but I wasn’t complaining.

“Morning,” I said around a smile.

“Mm,” he grunted in response, and then yawned loudly, tightening his hold on me as he buried his face into the back of my neck. “You smell great.”

I never knew what to say to that, since I didn’t have his sense of smell. “You too,” I finally said.

He snorted. “Liar.”

“Well, _sorry_ if I don’t have that perfect sense of smell.”

The phone had, by this point, stopped ringing. I settled back against his chest, yawning. I was going to enjoy what little time I had with him. It was all I could do, or spend all my time worrying. Right now I needed to keep a clear head and just be with him, no matter what.

“You should talk to your brother.”

I frowned. “I thought you hated Tommy.”

“I don’t hate your brother, we just don’t get along very well.”

“Whatever, I don’t want to talk to him anyway.”

“Terry.”

I shook my head. “No. If… I mean, he wouldn’t understand.”

He wouldn’t understand what was going to happen. He’d rage against the ‘sealing’ of the bond, because Alona said it would hurt me, she just wasn’t sure how much. It wouldn’t be like a severed bond, but it would be painful, and I had little idea what to expect. All I knew was a severed bond, with Kieron dead, would be so much worse, but somehow that was little comfort right now. And if Tommy learned about that, he would try to stop this, and… I just couldn’t deal with him right now.

I loved my brother, but this was something I needed to do on my own.

“Kie,” I murmured, “let’s go shower, ‘kay?”

“Mm,” he hummed in response, nipping briefly at the back of my neck. It wasn’t over that very sensitive spot, where the bond started, but it was close enough. Any touch from him was still very blissful.

I took in a slow breath and managed to pull away from him long enough to sit up and slide out of bed. By the time I made my way out of bed and toward the bathroom, he was right behind me, silently following me inside.

I felt his eyes on me while I stripped, and when I turned to face him, his eyes were glowing again. My breath caught in my chest; it was like after he claimed me all over again. Except I felt so conflicted, and I had no idea what to do about it. Thankfully, Kieron made my mind up for me.

His lips were warm against my neck, teeth catching against skin, leaving me grasping at his arms, holding him to me. Slowly my fingers trekked down his body, eager to touch, hold, feel – and he didn’t stop me. Instead, his fingers did the same across my own skin, slinking downward, toward-

“Oh God,” I breathed as his fingers curled around my rising member. In his hold it seemed to instantly harden. “K-Kieron, I…”

Words failed me momentarily.

His fingers kept being amazing, leaving me breathless anyway.

And then he stiffened suddenly, a growl escaping his lips.

I frowned. “What?”

“Someone’s here,” he muttered.

“Someone…?” My frown deepened, and I listened closely. I could just make out someone knocking on the apartment door. I sighed heavily. “It’s probably Tommy. We can ignore him.”

Kieron started to nod, then stopped himself and shook his head, releasing me. I suppressed the whine which wanted to emerge at the loss of contact. “No, you should talk to him. He’s your brother and he’s important to you.”

I bit my bottom lip. “What if I don’t want to talk to him?”

“He is persistent.”

I sighed. “Alright, fair point. Fine, I’ll talk to him.”

He nodded again as I moved toward the door. “Terry.”

I spun to face him, partially hoping he’d changed his mind about letting me go. “Yes?”

His lips twitched into a small smirk. “I don’t think greeting your brother naked is the best idea.”

My cheeks burned as I realized he was right; we were both naked. Hastily, I picked up my pants and shoved them on before I spared Kieron one last glance – in all his naked beauty – and then finally left the room.

The knocking became louder as I made my way through the small apartment.

I threw open the door. “Tommy-”

And then snapped my mouth shut, staring at my visitor.

“Heya, Terry,” the guy said with a smile.

My eyes narrowed. “Rufus? What are you doing here?”

I hadn’t spoken to Rufus in a long time. The last time I spoke to him was before John’s ‘deal’ came to fruition and I had to be his sex slave for a few days. That was before Kieron and I were captured by the Master, Exrie, for the first time. A shiver inched down my spine thinking about that crazy, power-hungry perpetual.

The point was, I hadn’t seen or spoken to Rufus in about a year. How did he even know where I lived?

My eyes narrowed further as a growl lodged in my throat. “Who sent you?”

Rufus blinked his gray eyes at me. “Sent me? No one. I was talking to John the other day and he mentioned where you lived.”

I growled again. “John, huh? And what did he have to say?”

Rufus shrugged, pushing a hand through his short-cropped hair. “Not much, to be honest. He’s been distant as fuck lately, and you disappeared off the face of the planet. What the fuck was up with that? Did I do something wrong?”

“Did you do some-…?” I stared at him. “You raped me!”

He frowned. “You’re still on about that?”

“Still on about…? Fuck you!”

“Terry, I thought we were cool?”

I shook my head. “It’s complicated, okay? I need you to leave now.”

“So it’s just going to be like that? It was surprise sex, Terry.”

“Just leave, okay?”

“We talked afterward, Terry, and you were fine! And then you just disappeared again. I was beginning to wonder if you were even still alive.”

“Right, well, I’m alive, clearly.”

“I can see that now.” His gaze raked over me. “And still in shape, I see.”

I glared at him. “So not the time, Rufus.”

“So you _are_ on a leash, then? John was right?”

“A leash? No, you know what, fuck John. And you. I’m not on a leash.”

And mentioning a ‘leash’ just left my mind flashing back to the last time I saw John, the last time I saw Rufus, and also back before Miitha Tiaydh when I almost ruined everything by calling Kieron an _animal_ …

“You need to leave,” I said.

“Terry-”

“Terry.”

Two voices said my name, but I only really heard one. I looked over my shoulder to find Kieron approaching me, a small frown on his face.

“Kie, hey,” I said softly, before shooting Rufus a glare. “Leave.”

He smirked when he saw Kieron, raking his gaze over my perpetual’s naked chest, since Kieron was clad in only pants, like me. And I was reminded of the last time Rufus saw Kieron. A snarl caught in my throat, but didn’t emerge only because Kieron’s fingers closed around my wrist, squeezing lightly. He always knew what I needed.

“Hello again,” Rufus said, watching my perpetual. “I’m sorry, but I seem to have forgotten your name.”

“Kieron,” said my perpetual. “Rufus, right?”

Of course Kieron remembered Rufus, even though they only met once. He could see my memories; he probably knew all about the ‘surprise sex’ fiasco.

Rufus’ smile grew even larger. Predatory. I remembered that look all too well.

“Rufus was just leaving,” I said, fingers itching to curl around the door and slam it shut in his face. Instead I stepped back into Kieron’s warm, bare chest, needing the contact to keep from growling or something. “Weren’t you, Rufus?”

Rufus sighed heavily. “I was hoping we were still friends, Terry.”

“Now’s not a good time.”

“When is?”

I hesitated. “I have no idea.”

And that was the honest truth. Would there ever be a good time? With the war in Ethereal, the presence in Kieron, and Exrie wanting my perpetual dead… there really wasn’t a good time for anything.

Rufus looked between us. “What, are you two exclusive?”

I managed to swallow down the growl in my throat, but just barely. “Yes,” I said tersely.

“So no sharing?” His gaze raked over Kieron again.

This time I couldn’t stop the growl. Kieron pulled me a little more against his chest. “No,” I said sharply. “No _sharing_.”

“Pity,” Rufus said, before shrugging. “Oh well, I’ll call you later, and we can see about when a ‘good time’ will be. See you around, Terry.”

He looked us over again before he finally stepped out of the doorway. I released a slow breath and closed the door. I stepped more into Kieron, and his arms easily came around me, his fingers releasing my wrist. I closed my eyes, breathing in slowly.

“I love you,” I murmured.

He hummed. “You should talk to him.”

My eyes opened. “Huh?”

“Rufus,” he clarified. “You should have friends.”

“He raped me, basically.”

Kieron was silent for a moment. “I know. I’m sorry. You just… shouldn’t be alone.”

“I’m not alone,” I told him. “I have you.”

“For now,” he agreed quietly. “But in a few days…”

My eyes closed again. “No. Shut up. We’re not talking about that.”

We were going to ignore it and pray it didn’t even happen, that it didn’t exist. Denial all the way, here. It was the only way I could get through the next few days.

“Terry…”

“Shut up, we’re not talking about it. Are you hungry?” I pulled free of his grasp despite the way I missed his warmth, and made my way toward the kitchen. His fingers caught my wrist and yanked me to a stop, causing me to sigh and turn to face him.

“Maybe the old me would let you get away with ignoring it, but this is reality, and you need to face it,” he said, watching me carefully.

Panic clawed at my chest. “No. Not talking about it.”

Discussing it made it real.

And I couldn’t.

 _No_.

“Reality, Terry. You can’t stop it. You’re going to be alone.”

Panic combined with terror. “No,” I said, attempting to pull my wrist free, but his grip was a vice, as always. “Let go.”

“I’m not gonna be here forever.”

“ _Shut up_ ,” I hissed, clawing for my freedom. “Let go of me!”

“And you don’t know what a sealed bond will do to you. I won’t be aware anymore; it won’t matter for me. But you – you need someone.”

“I don’t! Let go!”

I didn’t need anyone but Kieron, and he needed to _let go of me right now_.

“Tell your brother, Terry,” he said firmly. “Or someone. Anyone.”

“No! Let go, you bastard!”

“Denial won’t get you anywhere.”

“Let go!” I pushed at his chest but he still wouldn’t release me, didn’t even budge. “Let go, leggo, leggo!”

“ _Terry_ ,” he snapped, glaring at me, and I snapped my mouth shut. “The old me might have let you run, but I’m not. Tell someone. You don’t need to be alone.”

“I’m not alone,” I hissed, glaring at him. “I have you, okay? And – And what Alona’s gonna do is _temporary_ , so… so there’s _no fucking point_ in telling someone! I don’t need anyone but you!”

Silence surrounded us for a long moment, both of us just watching each other. My heart raced in my chest, attempting to break free and hit the ground running, free of Kieron’s grip. The rest of me was not free, sadly.

“Please,” I said roughly. “Please, I don’t wanna talk about this right now.”

“Then when?” he asked quietly.

“I… I don’t know, but not now. _Please_.”

He finally sighed and nodded once, slowly, before his fingers loosened around my wrist. I tore my wrist away and spun away from him, heading toward the kitchen, attempting to shove the panic back down.

“So… food,” I said weakly. “What do you want to eat?”

xXx

Kieron was sleeping.

I sat in bed, watching him for a while, before I sighed and climbed out of bed, tiptoeing out of the room. Plucking the phone from the cradle on my way past the kitchen, I headed into the living room to sit on the couch, quietly dialing in a familiar number.

Tommy answered after four rings, a yawn evident in his voice.

“Terry?”

“Sorry,” I whispered. “I wasn’t… I wasn’t thinking. Did I wake you?”

“It’s fine. Everything okay?”

“No,” I said, closing my eyes. “Not… Not really.”

“What do you mean?” he asked worriedly.

“I had to… I had to make a choice.”

“A choice?”

“Kieron… I… I’m losing Kieron.”

“Losing him?” he repeated, frown evident in his voice. “What do you mean?”

“Can we… Can we meet somewhere?”

I couldn’t do this over the phone, with Kieron in the next room.

“Right now?” Tommy asked.

“I… You’re right, sorry, it’s late. I’ll just-”

“It’s fine, Terry. That’s what brothers are for. I’ll pick you up in twenty minutes.”

“Thanks,” I murmured, before we both hung up.

I sat there for a long moment, scrubbing a hand across my face, struggling to keep composure. It shouldn’t have been this hard, but the sobs were there, stuck in my chest, waiting to attack. I swallowed them back down and finally got to my feet, moving to get dressed.

This was going to be a conversation I really didn’t want to have, but Kieron was right.

I was going to be alone, even if only temporarily, and I had no idea what a sealed bond would do to me. Tommy needed to know. I needed someone to talk to.

Hearing those words come from Kieron’s lips, though… it just made it all too real.

After getting dressed, I scribbled a note for Kieron and left it next to him on the bed, even though he would probably just contact me via mind link if he wanted. After leaving the room again, I sat in the living room to wait for Tommy.

I didn’t have to wait very long.

I heard Tommy pull up and was out the door before he could honk or knock and risk waking Kieron.

After taking one look at my face he simply said, “Get in.”

I climbed into the car and we pulled away from the apartment.

xXx

“So I’m fucking lost,” I finished telling my brother as we sat in the back of a McDonald’s at four in the morning. He sipped at his coffee through my story, asking a few questions here and there, but ultimately remaining silent.

Now he frowned at me. “I see.”

“That’s it?” I muttered.

“What’s the difference between a severed bond and a sealed bond?”

“I… I don’t know. Alona said it would hurt and react badly, maybe, but it wouldn’t be near as bad as it would be if it was severed… if Kieron was killed.”

“So you have no idea what it’s going to do to you.”

I nodded. “Yeah. That’s about right.”

“What do you _think_ it will do to you?”

I closed my eyes. “I don’t fucking know.”

“You have an idea.”

I inhaled slowly, attempting to focus my thoughts enough on that particular subject so I could answer him, but it was so incredibly hard. So hard because every time the thought cross my mind – the thought of Kieron _not here_ – my mind freaked out and stopped me.

“I’m gonna lose it,” I finally muttered, voice too shaky for my liking.

But it was the complete and utter truth. I barely kept it together when he _closed_ the bond, before Miitha Tiaydh; what the fuck was I going to do with it fucking _sealed_? It would be like he died, like the bond was no longer there, except it would be temporary. _Maybe_. And what if it wasn’t temporary? What if it was permanent? What if Alona couldn’t fix it afterward?

_Then it would be severed._

“Whoa, Terry – breathe,” my brother instructed, and I realized I was close to hyperventilating.

I sucked in a few shaky breaths which finally led to deeper breaths, until I managed to calm down a little. _A little_. “I don’t know what I’m gonna fucking _do_ , Tommy.”

“Everything will work out,” he told me.

“You don’t fucking _know_ that.”

“Yeah, well, you don’t know it’s _not_ going to work out.”

I snorted. Logic.

“If I lose him…” The shaky breaths returned. “If the bond gets _severed_ …”

_If I never fucking get him back… if I lose him forever…_

“Terry, it’ll all be okay,” Tommy said softly.

“What if it’s not?”

“It will be,” he assured me. “Just breathe.”

“I can’t lose him forever, Tommy.”

“You won’t.”

My eyes fell closed against the tears threatening to spill.

_Please don’t let me lose him forever._

Losing him temporarily was going to kill me, but if it was _forever_ …

**_Terry?_ **

Kieron’s voice suddenly echoing through my head left me inhaling sharply.

_Kieron, hey, I’m with Tommy._

**_I know; I have your note. What’s wrong?_ **

Once upon a time, he didn’t have to ask. Had things changed that much? Was I losing him now? Was he _forgetting me_?

_I can’t fucking breathe…_

“Terry, calm the fuck down,” Tommy snapped, hand firm on my shoulder. “If you don’t calm down and breathe, I’m taking you to the hospital, okay?”

“I’m…” I sucked in a breath. “I’m okay.”

**_Terry?_ **

_I’m okay, Kie, don’t worry. I just… I’m talking to Tommy, like you told me to. Everything’s okay._

Lie, lie, lie.

Everything _wasn’t_ okay, but I couldn’t add more onto his plate. Even if he didn’t remember how much he hated being like this, I wouldn’t burden him further.

“Everything will be okay,” Tommy said, squeezing my shoulder. I wasn’t even sure when he moved from across the booth to sit next to me, but there he was. “It’ll all work out; you’ve both had enough bad luck.”

That was so very true. And it just kept happening. And it was my fault.

I forced myself to stop having all those shaky breaths, and to breathe correctly. The last thing I needed was Tommy taking me to the hospital because of some kind of panic attack. “Right,” I said weakly. “So it’ll all be okay, because you said so.”

“Damn straight. I’m the big brother, and I’m always right.”

I snorted, but didn’t bother correcting him.

xXx

I woke later that day to the sound of something hitting the ground loudly. My eyes snapped open and I hurried into the kitchen, barely awake enough to process the fact I was moving. I found Kieron standing over a dropped frying pan, looking downtrodden and confused as he stared down at it with furrowed brows.

“Kieron?” I asked, frowning. “Are you okay?”

“I forget.”

“Forget?” I asked, alarmed. “What do you mean?”

He looked troubled, brows furrowing further, dark blue eyes narrowed. “I was going to make breakfast. I do that, right?”

“Sometimes,” I said softly, approaching him. “Kie?”

He still wouldn’t look at me, just kept staring at the frying pan on the ground, in the middle of the tiny kitchen area, in the walkway between the refrigerator and the stove. “I forget,” he said again, almost absently. His fingers flexed at his side. “How could I forget?”

“Forget what?” I asked, tentatively touching his shoulder. He flinched beneath my touch, shifting away from me, gaze still focused on the ground. “Kieron?”

_You’re scaring me._

“Pancakes,” he muttered under his breath. “I was gonna – I fix pancakes, right?”

“Yes,” I said slowly, watching him carefully. “You make awesome pancakes.”

“I forget,” he said, sounding so frustrated. “I mean it’s there, in the back of my mind but I-” His fingers twitched. “I can’t seem to remember the movements?”

I swallowed thickly as what he said sank in. He was losing more of himself, to the point he couldn’t make pancakes anymore. He knew how to do it, but was too detached, apparently; his fingers wouldn’t follow through with the vague memory. After a moment of struggling, I managed to find my voice as I reached for him again. “Oh, Kieron…”

He flinched away from me again, gaze flickering briefly toward my face. “I don’t wanna forget anymore,” he said roughly, voice sandpaper along his tongue.

_Oh, fuck._

“I know,” I said, my voice equally as rough. “I know you don’t, Kie. It… It’ll be okay.”

“I don’t… I don’t wanna _fade_ anymore.”

My eyes fell closed at the tone of his voice. “I know,” I croaked, swallowing thickly. My tongue slid across my dry lips. “I know, Kieron. We’ll… We’ll figure it out, okay? Trust me.”

“It’s funny,” he said somewhat absently, and I opened my eyes to find him watching me, “you’re the only thing I really – _remember_. Clearly, anyway. Like it’s mine. _You’re_ mine.”

I nodded once, slowly, unable to speak around the sudden lump in my throat. “Yes,” I finally managed to say, weakly. “I’m yours.”

_And you’re mine, and I don’t wanna lose you…_

He visibly hesitated, chewing briefly on his bottom lip before his gaze skittered away. “You’re gonna fade, too, though. I’ll… _forget_.”

I shook my head vehemently. “ _No_ , okay? You’re not – We won’t let that happen.”

It was silent for a long moment. It stretched around us, an unwanted rubber band just itching to snap. My own gaze lowered to the floor as the uneasy silence lingered for what felt like forever.

“You and Alona…” Kieron finally said quietly, sounding nothing like his usual self – but then, he _wasn’t_ his usual self, no matter how much I wanted him to be. “Your goal is to preserve, right?”

I nodded weakly, my head feeling like it was a million pounds.

“Then… Then I think I want to sleep now.”

“Kieron?” I croaked, gaze snapping back toward him, but he had his eyes closed, his hands clenched into fists at his sides. “What…? What are you saying?”

His voice was soft when he answered. Soft and… something else. Something I couldn’t quite place right now. “Have her… seal it now, so I don’t lose anymore.”

My breaths stuttered in my chest. A part of me had known that was what he meant, but a much larger part had been hoping I was wrong. “Kieron, _no_ ,” I hissed, staring at him. “You… We still have… time.”

Not much, but I wasn’t ready for him to slip away yet. I couldn’t do this yet.

_I can’t do it ever…_

His dark blue eyes opened, gaze leveling on me, determination in his gaze. “Do it now,” he said roughly. “I can live with not being able to make pancakes, but if it… keeps going…”

He’d lose more of himself.

_Maybe even the part that knows me…_

The knives in my saliva were back as I swallowed thickly. “Just… Just a little longer,” I managed to push past reluctant, dry lips. “Okay, Kieron? Just… _fuck_ … another day.”

Alona would be here tomorrow anymore.

_Oh, fuck, there’s only one day left._

It was only then that thought fully hit me, leaving my breaths too shaky for me to correctly breathe. Kieron’s eyes narrowed somewhat as I panted, my heart racing in my chest, eager to escape this conversation – this whole _situation_.

What the fuck was I going to do after tomorrow?

_No, stop. Don’t think about it._

“Breathe,” Kieron said simply, and just like that, I could breathe again. I sucked in a few trembling, deep breaths before I felt like I wasn’t going to pass out. “Do you always have panic attacks? Are they new, or have I just… forgotten?”

“I don’t have panic attacks,” I said, shaking my head. At his narrowed eyes, I sighed, looking away. “They’re new.”

“Because of me?”

“No, Kieron. You did nothing wrong.”

_Fuck, you did everything right, Kieron. This is my fault, not yours._

And life was so tragically unfair like that.

“Just… one more day, Kieron.”

_One more day…_

That was all I had left with him.

I couldn’t breathe…

Kieron’s hand was warm and firm on my shoulder, giving it a quick squeeze, allowing me to breathe properly again. “One day,” he agreed. “I… I can do that.”

_Of course you can, Kie; you’re a fighter._

And I loved him so _much_ …

“I love you,” I said hoarsely.

He blinked once, before he released my shoulder. “I love you, too,” he said as his hand fell away.

I stared at him. Stared at him like I’d never seen him before, even as my chest felt like it was going to explode with warmth and happiness. He said it. He said it back. He actually _said the words_ , for the first time, and all I could do was stare at him.

Indecision crossed his brow. “Terry?”

I swallowed before I took a step forward, closing the distance between us. My arms went around his neck, crushing him to me as my lips connected with his own. I wasn’t sure what kind of kiss it was – it wasn’t rough, gentle, heartwarming or chaste. All I knew was I couldn’t stop.

Eventually Kieron broke the kiss, an almost tender smile on his face as he pulled away. “What are we going to do for breakfast?”

I smiled back. “I’ll cook,” I said softly. “You just – sit down, read a book, take it easy.”

He nodded, and I watched him head into the living room.

xXx

That night I lay awake with Kieron, both of us keeping silent. A lot of unspoken things hung between us in the dark silence of the room, but we said nothing. My fingers brushed faintly against his between us on the bed, occasionally, but other than that, we might as well have both been asleep.

I couldn’t sleep.

My mind kept going everything that had happened today, and everything that would happen tomorrow.

Today, Kieron said he loved me. He actually said the words, and I didn’t know how to feel about that. I was happy, of course; ecstatic, thrilled, so _warm_ , and those words kept echoing through my head. He said he loved me too. And I loved that he said it, but also hated it.

Hated it because it wasn’t really _Kieron_. Not really. It was a part of him, but it wasn’t _my_ Kieron. Not really. And I had no idea what to think about that. I was so happy he said it, but also upset because, again, it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t the same Kieron.

Sighing, I rolled over to face my perpetual.

He had fallen sleep in the past few minutes, it seemed; his breaths were now deep and even, and his expression was so peaceful. He looked so perfect like this, like nothing bad could touch him. I wanted him to stay like this so badly.

Before I knew what I was doing, my hand had raised and my fingers slid faintly across his cheek.

He didn’t stir in the slightest.

“I love you,” I said softly, so I didn’t wake him.

_I love you so much._

He remained sound asleep.

I bit down hard on my bottom lip, watching him for a long moment.

Then I curled into his side, squeezing my eyes tightly closed as tears burned behind them, seemingly coming out of nowhere.

“Don’t forget me,” I whispered shakily.

I took in a few trembling breaths, attempting to keep my heart from racing too much. Having a ‘panic attack’ and waking Kieron wasn’t the best idea right now, not when he looked so _at peace_ at the moment.

“Please don’t forget me.”

 


	29. Like You're Dying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What would you do if you only had one day left to live? Or to just be you? The countdown runs its course and it's finally time.

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Like You’re Dying

 

What was that song?

_Live like you’re dying._

That was what we did.

We woke early, roughly six. For a few, we lay there silently, settled into each other. Neither of us spoke for fear of shattering the moment. Kieron’s mind was warm and bright in my head, the bond the only thing that kept me sane. Kieron’s fingers trailed up and down my arm; I didn’t think he noticed what he was doing, as when I glanced at his face, barely visible in the budding sunlight, his brows were somewhat furrowed, his eyes closed.

I pressed a kiss or two against his bare shoulder, settling into him further, attempting to engrave this memory into my mind. The feel of him warm and solid against me, the bond warm and alive… I tried so hard to remember every little detail – the soft breaths, the way his heart beat beneath my palm which rested on his chest, the feel of his warm skin…

_I don’t wanna forget any of this._

If this didn’t work… if Alona couldn’t-

My eyes feel shut, my face buried into his ribs, my arm thrown over his chest. It wasn’t very comfortable, but I didn’t care. Comfort wasn’t my concern right now. Instead I listened to every soft breath, every beat of his heart, felt every little movement…

_I love you so much._

**_You too, Terry._ **

It was a good thing my eyes were already closed. The tears couldn’t spill.

After a few shaky breaths, I managed to find my voice, my tongue flicking out to briefly wet my lips and allow me speech.

“I love you. Don’t ever forget that. Even if you’re… detached.”

_Even if you forget how you feel about me… please, just remember that I love you and I always will._

Even when he wasn’t _Kieron_ , he needed to know I still loved him – and that I would wait forever if I had to. We had forever to fix this; because of our bond, I would live for as long as he did. I assumed that counted for when the bond was sealed, too, since it wasn’t being severed. Which meant even if Alona failed – eventually, I might have the chance to get him back.

“What do you wanna do today, Kieron?” I asked quietly, mostly to distract myself.

“Hmm?”

The vibrations of his hum felt good against my face since it was still buried in his side, almost at his chest. I wondered if this was uncomfortable for him. My comfort wasn’t an issue, but his would always be, for me.

“What do you wanna do today?” I repeated, voice a whisper. I wondered if he could hear me, since it was breathed into his side, but he had superior hearing. “I mean… it’s… your last day. We’ll… do whatever you want.”

_Anything, Kieron. Anything you want._

If he told me to get on my knees and bark like a dog, I would. I’d do whatever he wanted.

He was silent for a long time. I wondered, briefly, if he fell asleep. Then his hand landed in my hair, fingers tangling in the strands.

“I kind of want steak.”

Laughter should never have been filled with rusty nails.

“Okay,” I managed to croak, “then we’ll have steak for breakfast.”

“Okay.”

More silence as I attempted to regain myself.

“Anything else, Kie?”

“Not really.”

I drew in a shaky breath. “Alright, then. We… We can shower, before we go eat, if you want.”

He was quiet for a beat.

Then: “Yeah – one last shower sounds nice.”

I had to keep my eyes closed for a minute. Finally I opened them. “Okay, Kieron. Whenever you’re ready.”

Today was going to be his day, after all. Alona wasn’t due until nightfall, and if she arrived sooner, I would tell her to wait until the end of today. Just one last day for us; it could make or break me, I honestly wasn’t sure right now.

After a few minutes, Kieron sighed and released me, moving out from under me. We both sat up slowly, reluctantly. He threw his legs over the side of the bed and pushed to his feet, with me following after him as we moved toward the bathroom, both of us clad only in sweatpants.

The bathroom felt so small at the moment. I sucked in a deep breath, watching Kieron turn the shower spray on. He got it the right temperature before he stepped back and began to take his clothes off. I watched him for a long moment, until his gaze snapped toward my face.

“Are you okay, Terry?” he asked.

_No. I’m not okay._

I nodded weakly. “Y-Yeah, I’m fine,” I told him softly, before I, too, took my clothes off. My fingers moved toward him of their own accord, touching, feeling, smoothing down his skin – attempting to memorize every little detail, every touch, every curve and crevice…

After today, I wouldn’t be able to do this again, and for who knew how long.

Kieron’s fingers caught my wrists, pulling my hands away from him. A whimper caught in my throat – I _needed_ to memorize everything – but I dragged my gaze up toward his face, and his dark blue eyes. “I know you’re lying.”

I swallowed thickly. “I… I’m fine, Kie, don’t worry about it.”

I didn’t matter right now; only he did.

“Terry,” he said softly.

The use of my name, in that tone…

My eyes fell closed, a whine catching in my throat. “Kie, please,” I whispered hoarsely, my voice made of glass. “ _Please_ , just let me… just… don’t…”

My voice betrayed me, then, leaving me alone. My mouth snapped shut. Silence wrapped around us for a moment, before he sighed and his fingers released my wrists. Freed, they moved back toward his sides, memorizing every little touch, as my eyes opened again.

“I love you,” I murmured.

“I know,” he said back, voice just as quiet.

I swallowed, knives in my saliva again. “I… I don’t know what’s gonna happen when… I mean… when Alona…”

“I know,” he said again. “It’s okay.”

_It’s not, Kieron. None of this is okay._

It was so far from being ‘okay’…

“Terry.”

I swallowed again. “Y-Yes?”

“The water’s going to get cold if we don’t shower now.”

I nodded numbly, barely aware of the movement. His fingers caught one wrist, and led me into the tub, under the spray of warm, nearly hot water. It should have felt soothing against my skin, against my tense muscles, but instead all I could think about was Kieron’s words.

_This is his last shower…_

His last shower as ‘Kieron’, anyway.

_And who knows if I’ll get him back… If he’ll be able to do this again…_

I tried to picture myself in his shoes. If it was my possible last day on earth, what would I do? Nothing seemed appropriate. How would I feel if it was _my_ last shower? Last meal? Last _everything_?

I couldn’t picture it.

It was bad enough picturing it as _his_ last day…

“Stop it,” he snapped suddenly, and that tone was so _Kieron_ , a sob lodged in my throat but I quickly swallowed it back down.

“Sorry,” I said. “I’ll stop.”

The eye-roll was refreshing. “You don’t know how to stop.”

“Sorry,” I said again, weakly.

He smiled faintly. “You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t worry.”

I shrugged. “Still – I know it bothers you, and it’s… I mean…”

_It’s your last day, and I don’t want to bother you with my worries._

He shrugged, like it didn’t matter. So _Kieron_. I missed him so much and he wasn’t even completely gone yet.

Kieron reached for the shampoo, and I shut my mind down for the time being.

xXx

We ate lunch at a steakhouse in town; there were a few of them, but we’d never been to this particular one, run by a family rather than a company. We got a booth in the back, sitting across from each other, and the waitress scurried away to get our drinks while we looked over the menus. Thankfully it wasn’t very busy since it was only lunch time, and they were just opening.

“What do you feel like having?” I asked, trying not to think about one particular detail.

“Some kind of steak,” he said. “I’m craving it for some reason.”

Not really unusual; I knew he liked steak, though he’d never admitted to enjoying it or craving it.

I inhaled slowly, eying everything on the menu without really seeing anything.

“Relax,” he said.

My gaze snapped toward his face, those blue eyes watching me.

“Sorry. I’m trying.”

“I hate it when you worry.”

And again he was admitting things he usually wouldn’t…

I nodded weakly, eyes falling back down to the menu held numbly in my hands. “Sorry.”

“Stop apologizing; I hate that too.”

My teeth caught my lower lip between them. “I know…”

“This isn’t working.”

“Huh?” Slowly, my gaze raised back toward him, but he was looking down at the menu caught firmly between his fingers in a rather tight grip.

“I’m not Kieron anymore.”

“Kieron, no – you’re still you,” I argued, frowning at him.

He shook his head, a few strands of his dark blue hair falling over his left eye. My fingers twitched, itching to brush those stubborn strands back, but I only tightened my grip on my own menu.

“It’s okay; I know I’m not him anymore. I don’t know who I am, but it’s not Kieron.”

I swallowed thickly. “Kieron…”

I didn’t know what to say, the words lodged and lost in my throat. Arguing seemed pointless, as he could be stubborn, even with him only being a shell of who he used to be. Also, he was partially right, in a way; he wasn’t Kieron anymore. He was a version of him, just not… _my_ Kieron. The Kieron I knew and loved, and missed so fucking much.

And seeing him sitting across from me, when it wasn’t his personality anymore… wasn’t his _core_ …

The waitress returned then, placing our drinks in front of us before pulling out her ticket book, smiling brightly at the two of us.

“Have y’all decided what you’re getting?”

I closed my eyes, biting my lip again.

“We have,” Kieron answered, and quickly ordered both his meal and my own. I opened my eyes, because that did sound good, what he ordered for me, even though I barely skimmed through anything on the menu.

The waitress scribbled our orders down and then scurried away, promising us it would be out soon.

I blinked at Kieron.

He shrugged. “You always get roughly the same thing when we eat at these kinds of places.”

I nodded.

This was true, but having him order for me, like he did occasionally… it made me smile.

He smirked faintly. “I like your smile.”

My smile faltered – a part of me wanted to smile more, because that was sweet; another part felt so very torn, because _Kieron_ would never say that to me. At least, not like this, without his emotional connection to his past and everything…

“You do?” I finally murmured.

He nodded, sitting back a little more in his chair. “It’s… bright. Warm.”

I swallowed hard around the lump in my throat. “Thanks…”

His shoulders lifted in a small shrug. “It’s not like this is new for me. I just… normally wouldn’t have told you, I guess.”

I nodded. Somehow, that did make me feel a little better. I smiled again. “You once said you liked my voice. Was that true?”

He nodded without hesitation. “It’s – lively. Emotional.”

“So you’re drawn to emotion?”

He paused. “I don’t know. It’s complicated. I wasn’t allowed to have emotions; you were nothing _but_ emotions. I guess a part of me was drawn to that.”

I stared at him. This was the most he’d ever spoken about this. If I wanted answers to certain questions, now was the time to ask.

“Why didn’t you kill me when we first met?” I asked quietly.

He frowned somewhat. “I don’t know.”

“Don’t give me that – you have some idea.”

He shrugged. “I wanted to,” he admitted.

I swallowed. “I know you did, but you didn’t, and it was your job to kill me. So why?”

“I really don’t know. A part of me just – didn’t.”

“Didn’t?”

“Didn’t want to. I didn’t usually hesitate; the fact that I did left me… uncertain. So I let you go.”

I frowned, but it seemed like he really didn’t have a good answer for that question, and it wasn’t all that important anymore, anyway. I had just always been curious. “What does your, um… animalistic half think of me now?”

“You mean, does it still want you dead?”

I nodded weakly.

There was a thoughtful pause. “It’s still conflicted. Mostly it just wants to claim you.”

“But you already did…?”

“It’s not easily sated.”

_He wants to claim me again? Multiple times?_

My pulse jumped at the thought.

_Yes. Please._

Except it would have to wait. And we would do it multiple times, when this was over. We’d get away from everything, go on vacation or something, and we’d just be together for a while.

_I can’t wait._

I just wanted things to be okay again.

“What was the first memory you saw of mine?”

His lips twitched downward into a small frown, as he thought about the question. A small smirk then cross his face. “You were five,” he said with a quiet chuckle. “Tommy was teaching you how to ride a bike. You were so excited. You wrecked almost instantly, and Tommy was grounded for a month because he didn’t have permission to take you outside, let alone let you go down a hill so quickly, without proper guidance.”

My own lips twitched upward into a smile as the memory consumed my mind. I could remember it perfectly. “Tommy felt so bad about it he babied me for a week; he thought I would hate him.”

“And your dad thought you would be terrified of riding a bike so the next day he took you outside and made you get back on it.”

I nodded, smirking at Kieron. “Yeah. Wow. You know it all, huh?”

He shrugged. “At first, when I saw it, I was very confused, and disorientated.”

I remembered how it was when I first saw one of his memories – of our first meeting, in the woods, but from his point of view. It was indeed a bit disorientating and everything, but afterward I was so happy to have gotten one of his memories. “What was your favorite memory?” I asked before I realized my lips were moving.

He frowned. “I don’t… I’m disconnected, remember?”

“Okay – of my memories, then?”

He shrugged, frown disappearing. “That’s hard.”

“Why?”

“There are a few.”

“O-Oh?”

He liked a lot of memories?

“I had a rough past. I might not care about that right now, but I know it was rough. So seeing your memories… your _happiness_ … it made me happy, too.”

I swallowed thickly, watching him, the easy expression on his face. “My happy memories make you happy?”

“Kind of, in a way. It’s like I’m you, in the memories, after all. I’m sure you know what that’s like.”

I shivered, but not from the cold. “Yeah,” I muttered, the memory of when he was five and first got his animalistic features flitting through my mind then. It was like I was him, experiencing the confusion, sadness and fear for myself. “At least you saw my happy memories, though.”

“I warned you I didn’t have happy memories.”

I shrugged. “I’m still happy I saw them.”

His head cocked to the side in that adorable manner of his. “Why?”

“Because it’s a part of you.”

“But it was crappy.”

“Still you.” I took in a slow breath. “Have you seen any… bad memories, of mine?”

He nodded, but didn’t elaborate.

After a brief pause, I asked, “Like what?”

“Your mother’s death,” he said softly.

My spine snapped rigid. “Oh,” I exhaled.

“I saw the funeral and everything. I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?”

“You loved her a lot.”

“I… I did.”

“I never really knew that kind of love.”

I swallowed, looking away. “I know, Kie. You don’t have to tell me.”

“I mean – you saw my memories. My parents… I don’t know. At first I didn’t understand how you could love yours so much; how you could even _love_ in the first place, what that was. But now I know.”

“You… You do?” I whispered, looking back at him.

Dark blue eyes caught my own. “I met you,” he said quietly.

My heart stuttered in my chest. After a few rough swallows, I managed to find my voice again. “Kieron…”

“I love you,” he told me.

The lump in my throat made it nearly impossible to breathe, or speak.

“You’re the only person I’ve ever come close to loving. And I’d normally never tell you this, because the ‘other me’ is a bit of a closed-off asshole, but I’m telling you now, while I can. I do love you, and I have for a while. It just took me a while to realize what that meant. I’ve never said it to anyone. This is new to me. But if things go sideways, you at least deserve to know that-”

“ _Kieron_ ,” I croaked, staring at him as he just kept speaking. It was the most he’d ever spoken about his feelings, and I truly had no idea what to do with this information. I knew he loved me; I’d known it all along, but to hear him talking like this, and then to mention if things went ‘sideways’… “Things are gonna be fine, okay? So don’t… don’t start giving me _goodbye speeches_. Everything’s gonna be _fine_.”

He watched me for a moment, blue eyes calculating.

“You don’t know that,” he said quietly. “Normally I applaud your optimism, Terry, but there’s a chance this won’t be ‘fine’, as you say.”

I shook my head quickly. “No. No, okay? It’s gonna be perfectly fucking _fine_.”

_We’re gonna be fine, Kieron._

“And if this ‘preservation’ fails?”

My eyes fell closed against the burning sensation behind the fallen lids. “Stop,” I breathed shakily.

“If this plan fails?”

“ _Please_ ,” I whispered. “Please, Kie, I can’t…”

“It won’t matter to me, because I won’t be aware. But you…”

“Please, I _can’t_ , okay? I can’t do this. _Please_.”

Silence wrapped around us for a moment.

“Here you go,” came the waitress’s voice, and my eyes opened just as she was putting a plate down in front of me. The steak smelled amazing, but my appetite was gone. Instead of salivating I felt like crying.

Kieron thought I was emotional, when we met. It was part of what drew him to me.

And he was right; I _was_ emotional.

_I still am._

And I had no idea how to deal with what he was saying… what was going to happen after today… what Alona was going to do…

_I can’t do this…_

If this didn’t work…

My gaze slid back toward Kieron, who was looking down at his food as he began to bite into it.

_I’m gonna lose you, Kie…_

My eyes burned, my throat clogged. I closed my eyes and took in a few shaky breaths, attempting to calm myself. None of this mattered right now. _I_ didn’t matter right now. All that mattered was Kieron.

This was his last day, after all.

I could cry later.

I could completely _lose it_ , later.

 _After_.

“Terry?”

My eyes opened and I smiled at Kieron. “How’s the food?”

He frowned at me for a moment, before he shrugged. “It’s good. How’s yours?”

I looked down at my untouched plate of food, and finally cut into my steak, popping a piece in my mouth. After chewing thoughtfully, I nodded, swallowing. “It’s good.”

He nodded, looking back down at his food. I watched him a moment longer, before I, too, focused on my food.

The steaks here were truly delicious, I was sure, but I tasted nothing as I chewed, nothing as I swallowed. Nothing except bitter regret mixed with sweet sorrow.

Eating this meal felt like goodbye.

xXx

Kieron’s fingers ran easily through my hair, smoothing through the strands as my head lay on his chest. My hearing was consumed with the sound of his wonderful, steady heartbeat. Occasionally his spleen would make a gurgling sound and I’d smile faintly, listening. It was dark in our room, and it was dark outside. Time was running out, and the only thing keeping me remotely calm was Kieron’s heartbeat and his fingers.

I counted my breaths, making sure they were full, deep, and even, otherwise I’d probably have another panic attack. I wasn’t sure what to think of those; they were new, and I hated them, but I didn’t know how to get rid of them. I could worry about it later.

Kieron’s fingers stopped suddenly, and I suppressed a whine, biting my tongue.

“Someone’s knocking on the door,” he told me quietly, voice a breath of air in the darkness. I swallowed thickly, my eyes falling closed.

“Is it Alona?” I whispered back, almost afraid to say the words.

“I… can’t tell.”

He sounded troubled.

“What do you mean? Can’t you smell her?”

“There’s a scent but it’s… I don’t know. I’m disconnected from everything, even my senses. It’s… disorientating.”

I would imagine it was. Maybe that was why he thought it was Tommy knocking on the door the other day, instead of Rufus. Normally he was great at smelling who it was, or sensing somehow, but now…

It was just more proof that I was quickly losing him and everything he was, and I couldn’t stop it.

“Okay,” I breathed shakily. “I’ll… I’ll get it.”

It took longer than I would have liked but I eventually managed to pull away from Kieron and his warmth, pushing my hands beneath me so I could properly sit up. I looked at him through the darkness but couldn’t make out very much, just his outline. After biting on my lower lip for a moment, I sighed and slid out of bed, moving out of the room, bare feet sliding across the ground. My toes curled into the carpet of the living room floor as I lingered a few feet from the door, staring as whoever it was knocked again.

Finally I forced myself to take the final few steps. My hand curled around the doorknob and pulled the door open.

“Terry,” Tommy said with a frown. “You look awful.”

The sigh I released was more like a sob. “What are you doing here?” I asked, my pulse returning to normal now that I knew it wasn’t Alona. It wasn’t time, not yet. Not yet. _Not yet_.

He shrugged and stepped over the threshold, into the apartment. I moved aside and closed the door behind him, watching him all the while as he finally turned to face me.

“There’s no way I’m letting my little brother go through something like this alone,” he said determinedly.

I swallowed. “Tommy…”

_I’m not alone; I have Kieron._

_For now,_ another part of my mind said.

Tommy’s hand was heavy on my shoulder. I fought the urge to brush him off. “Are you okay, Terry? You seriously look like shit.”

I could only imagine what Kieron’s ticking clock was doing to my expression and everything. I truthfully didn’t want to know. “I’m okay,” I said, and at the look he threw me, I shrugged. “I’m as okay as I can be, considering.”

He nodded. “How’s Kieron?”

“Um… he’s okay, I guess,” I told him. He was okay as he could be, too, considering. I took in a slow breath. “You don’t… You don’t have to be here. You probably won’t… understand…”

_You probably won’t understand what’s gonna happen… or like it. But I don’t like it either._

He shrugged. “I’m not leaving you alone. When is it happening?”

“Sometime tonight,” I said softly, closing my eyes. “Whenever Alona gets here. I thought… I thought you were her.”

There was silence for a moment.

Tommy’s hand squeezed my shoulder. “It’ll be okay, Terry.”

_You don’t know that._

Neither of us did.

We could hope and pray all we wanted but there was no guarantee.

“Where’s Kieron?”

“Bedroom,” I murmured.

“Did I interrupt something?” Tommy asked, quirking a brow, and I knew it was an attempt at humor, but it left my shoulders drooping nevertheless. He was silent for a moment before he spoke again. “I’m sorry. But I’m sure things will be okay. Positive thoughts, Terry.”

_I’m really trying to stay positive, but it’s just so hard…_

I said none of this. Instead I merely nodded. “Can I get you something to drink, or something?”

He shook his head. “I’ll just sit on the couch for a bit, and you can get back to your boyfriend.”

I bit my lip, hesitating. It would be rude to leave Tommy on the couch when all he wanted to do was help, but all I really wanted right then was to get back to Kieron. Our time together was rapidly dwindling and I didn’t want to waste a second of it.

So I nodded, and left Tommy in the living room.

As I crawled back into bed, Kieron shifted a little, rolling toward me to face me in the darkness. “Everything okay?”

“It’s Tommy,” I said softly. “He’s… He’s gonna be here for, um… you know…”

“That’s a good idea,” he said softly, allowing me to curl back into his side.

My eyes fell closed as my ear landed on his chest. “Is it?”

“Yes. You shouldn’t be alone.”

_I’m not alone, Kieron._

“We’ll fix this,” I promised quietly, mumbling into his warmth. His fingers slipped against my hair, tangling with the strands, lightly pulling through them. My eyes closed tighter, the lashes never wanting to open until this was all over. “I love you.”

“You too,” he said, voice just as quiet, a mere rumble beneath my ear.

_Please don’t forget me…_

But I knew he would. He wouldn’t be himself, _at all_ , until we fixed this, got the presence out of him, and managed to un-seal the bond. If that could even be done.

_No, Terry, think positive thoughts only._

It was the only way I was going to get through tonight. Through the next few days. For however long this would last…

I wasn’t sure how long we lay there like that, with Tommy in the living room, but all too soon it ended. I think I actually managed to doze off for a few minutes, with Kieron’s fingers threading through my hair so soothingly. I woke when Kieron moved beneath my head, lightly pushing me away from him. My eyes opened quickly, and I lifted my head only enough to peer at him in the darkness.

“Kie?”

“I think Alona’s here.”

My entire body stiffened, as though I’d been injected with ice.

“No,” I breathed softly.

_No. It’s too soon. I can’t._

“Terry.”

“No!”

“What is it you’re always telling me?”

I swallowed, struggling to think clearly, but it was so incredibly difficult. “W-What?”

“What are you always telling me?”

“I… I don’t know…”

I couldn’t think right now.

_Please, it’s too soon…_

She couldn’t be here yet.

Not yet.

_Not yet._

“It’ll be okay,” he said. “That’s what you’re always telling me, right? It’ll be fine.”

I sucked in a sharp breath, biting down hard on my bottom lip.

His hands caught my shoulders, steadying me. “It’ll be okay.”

“Kieron…”

_You don’t know that. You can’t._

“Where’s all your optimism?”

My eyes fell closed. “S-Sorry. I… You’re right. It’ll… It’ll be okay.”

_It has to be._

If it wasn’t…

Kieron’s fingers squeezed my shoulders. “Terry. Look at me.”

My eyes opened slowly, but only because I could deny him nothing right now. I focused on him in the darkness. His eyes flashed brightly, that wonderful hue I loved so much. I swallowed back the whimper caught in my throat; how long would it be before I saw that lovely hue again?

Would I ever?

“It’ll be fine,” Kieron told me.

“I love you,” I told him. “Please don’t forget that.”

He smiled faintly, with his eyes more than anything. And then his lips were against my own in a fleeting, gentle kiss. I leaned into the contact, deepening the kiss as I clung to him momentarily. All too soon he was pushing me away.

“She’s here,” he said softly.

“How… How do you know?”

“I can hear her. She’s speaking to Tommy.”

Dread washed over me. It was true. She was really here. This was really going to happen. It was time, and I wasn’t ready. I wouldn’t ever be ready.

Kieron slid away from me, getting out of bed. I stared after him, unable to move for a long moment. Kieron’s fingers encircled my wrist and gently tugged me from the bed. As my bare feet hit the carpeted ground, I dug my toes in, shaking my head.

“I can’t. I can’t. It’s too fast.”

“Terry.”

“No.”

He tugged sharply, and I staggered forward, unable to resist his strength.

“It’ll be okay,” he said again.

I wanted to believe him so badly, especially since it was what I kept telling him – that it would all be okay, that he’d be okay, we’d be okay. I wouldn’t have him an hour from now. Tomorrow I’d wake up alone, even if his body was next to me.

And I had no idea how I was going to cope with that.

 _Could_ I cope with that?

He dragged me toward the door and pulled it open. We exited the bedroom, entering light. Tommy stood a few feet away, clearly having been planning on knocking on the bedroom door, but he hadn’t managed to make it to the door before we came out. I couldn’t meet my brother’s gaze, instead focusing on the floor as Kieron dragged me forward.

“Are you ready?” came Alona’s smooth voice.

My spine straightened.

Kieron’s grip tightened on my wrist, marginally. Just enough so I knew he was there. For now.

“We’re ready,” Kieron said calmly.

_I’m not. I’m not ready. Not yet._

“Please sit on the couch, both of you.”

Kieron pulled me into the living room, toward the couch. Before I knew it, we were both seated. I managed to raise my head only when Alona stepped in front of us.

“Bow your heads forward.”

I caught her gaze, but her eyes gave little away. Swallowing, I followed Kieron’s lead and did as Alona said, bowing my head forward so I was looking at the ground again. Kieron’s fingers were still twisted around my wrist, warmth brushing briefly against my thoughts.

_Please don’t leave me. Please._

I was unprepared for the sudden sting of claws against the back of my neck. By the way Kieron stiffened, he had claws in his neck as well. My eyes slid shut against the onslaught of tears – I could feel a presence in my mind that was not Kieron. Alona. It was Alona, and she was searching. Searching through the bond, for some kind of break in the bridge. Mentally I trailed behind her, seeing Kieron’s blue warmth across the bridge, but Alona between us.

_Kieron…_

**_I’m here._ **

_Don’t forget me._

**_It’ll be okay._ **

The sudden burst of gold light left me momentarily blinded. Panic consumed me as my mental gaze refocused and I could see the thin trails of golden light beginning to sever the bridge – bits of the chord crumbled away, dimming. Dimming. Disappearing. My mental self surged forward, toward the edge.

_No! What are you doing?!_

Kieron’s blue warmth fizzled, cracked – vanished. The gold threads brightened. More of the bridge disappeared until it was like it was never there. My mental self crashed to their knees, staring. Staring at the empty space across the bridge. Or, rather, the void where the bridge used to be.

_Kieron. Kieron? Kie!_

Nothing. Silence. Emptiness.

_No. Kieron, you answer me – Kieron!_

The hum that was always – _always_ – there in the back of my mind suddenly _vanished_. The following silence was deafening. Or maybe that was my scream. Pain ignited through my head, a migraine the intensity I’d never felt before, and it moved through my head to consume my body as well.

My physical self was screaming, too.

Dimly I recognized this.

I also couldn’t feel Alona’s presence in my mind anymore. Or, more importantly, Kieron’s. _Kieron._

He was gone.

_Kieron, please, no. Not yet. Not yet. Alona, give him back!_

Except this was the plan.

This was the plan.

This…

_He’s gone. He’s gone. He’s gone._

_Gone, gone, gone._

_No, no, no._

_Please._

_I can’t._

I searched. I crawled, I walked, staggered and stumbled – I walked through my mind, ran and tripped and searched, and there was nothing. No glow, no warmth, no _Kieron_. My mind was my own, and it was so incredibly wrong.

The pain grew, but I didn’t care – I kept looking. Had to keep looking. Couldn’t stop.

So fucking _empty_.

It _hurt_.

So much.

_Kieron, please. Please. Please!_

Fire, igniting through me, but there was no outlet. Where was Kieron?

_Where are you?_

Rational thought was quickly leaving as the pain continued to grow.

Consuming every little thought.

I crashed to my knees again, in the emptiness that had become my mind.

The barren wasteland that didn’t matter.

With the silence ringing in my ears.

_It hurts. It hurts._

_It hurts!_

The pain was a burning inferno.

Consuming, eating everything, and I didn’t care.

Kieron was gone, and I didn’t care.

This time when I screamed, darkness followed.

Blissful, empty darkness.

 


	30. Sealed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terry struggles to make sense of the wasteland that's become his mind as he searches for Kieron... except he knows where Kieron is. Right? How do you keep going when something so cherished has been ripped away?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's in a bit of a different format but I thought it fit Terry's mindset. Hope it sounds okay! This is the last chapter so far, I just finished it about an hour ago. Again, I'm working a lot now so I don't have a lot of free time. I'll try to remember to post here when I update again xD Also, I will try to update soon, but I make no promises. Enjoy! Thoughts?

Chapter Thirty: Sealed

 

_… Beep…_

“Terry?”

_… Beep…_

“I don’t know if you can hear me.”

_… Beep…_

“But you’re in the hospital. They’re keeping you sedated.”

_… Beep…_

“I don’t understand this bond stuff, Terry. But it’s really creepy.”

_… Beep…_

“I don’t know what happened with the bond or whatever, but you totally freaked. Kieron’s walking around like normal, but…”

_… Beep…_

“Well. I guess it’s not really him, huh? But he’s functioning. I guess I keep forgetting he’s sort of possessed.”

_… Beep…_

“He’s being weird. Well, weirder than usual. He’s all formal, and… he’s like a kid, too.”

_… Beep…_

“This presence, or whatever it is… it doesn’t know how to be in a physical body. It gets hungry, and sleepy, and… don’t even get me started on when I had to tell it how to use the bathroom.”

_… Beep…_

“It needs a name. He, it, whatever. He needs a name. I don’t know what to call it. It’s not Kieron, but it’s his body. It’s very confusing, Terry.”

_… Beep…_

“And I have no idea what’s wrong with you. Something about the bond. You just… you’re in a lot of pain. The doctors are freaking out. We brought you to a human hospital; after two days of not getting a response, it was our only option. You needed nutrients.”

_… Beep…_

“Alona says you’ll wake soon, when you’re ready. But when will that be? The doctors keep running tests. The only way to keep you from screaming or clawing at your head is to keep you sedated, but you’re still in pain, aren’t you?”

_… Beep…_

“You don’t always scream nonsense, you know. Sometimes you ask for him. Kieron. And the doctors ask me who that is, but I don’t know how to answer them. I just say he’s missing; he’s a marine, remember? And he’s missing.”

_… Beep…_

“Can you even hear me? Fuck, I hate this. I hate is so fucking much. Lacy’s scared out of her mind, about both of you; I have to keep Kieron from her. She wouldn’t understand. She thinks he’s missing too, and you had some kind of nervous breakdown. She says you’ll be better when he comes home. That’s true, right? When this is… fixed, you’ll be fine?”

_… Beep…_

“Would… Would having Kieron visit help? Well… I mean… Not-Kieron? Again, I really need something to call him. It thinks names are illogical, and it has no use for names.”

_… Beep…_

“Would having him… it… speak to you… would that help? Can you hear me? Terry?”

_… Beep…_

“No… I guess you can’t. You’re heavily sedated. What the fuck am I even doing here?”

_… Beep…_

xXx

“Hey, Terry. It’s Lacy. Tommy said he doesn’t think you can hear us, but I’m going to try anyway.”

_… Beep…_

“Your hands are freezing. There, a little warmer.”

_… Beep…_

“The doctors still don’t know what’s wrong with you, but we’re trying to remain optimistic. I know Kieron’s missing, and that’s terrible, but it will be okay, Terry. He’ll turn up soon. He’ll come home. Doesn’t he always?”

_… Beep…_

“Your father’s going to come visit later today, I think. He’s really worried about you. I know you two have had your differences, but you’re still his son and he’s still your father. He’s worried.”

_… Beep…_

“Right now he’s watching Amanda. She misses her Uncle Terry. She’s starting to speak a little; it’s adorable. I wish you could…”

_… Beep…_

“Well. We’re all waiting for you to get better. The doctors are calling in some specialists. They’re going to try and take you off the sedatives in the next day or so, see if there’s any progress.”

_… Beep…_

“I brought a book to read. I found it on your bedside table at your apartment. Tommy said it’s Kieron’s. It might be a bit silly to read to you like you’re a child, but I’m going to anyway.”

_… Beep…_

xXx

_Kieron…?_

_Where are you?_

_Why’d you leave…?_

_Kieron?_

_… Please…?_

xXx

Blue hue.

_Can’t remember…_

_Please stay._

Glowing chord?

_Where…?_

_Where?_

xXx

“Hello, honey.”

_Mom?_

“I know you’re in pain, sweetie. Breathe in, out. Deep breaths. Come on – do it with me.”

_… Mom?_

“Yes, sweetie. My sweet little boy. Look how you’ve grown.”

_You’re not real._

“Debatable. I’m as real as you want me to be. As you need me to be.”

_This is in my head._

“Yes, that is our current location, baby.”

_What’s going on?_

“Something was taken from you. You’re body, and mind, is trying to cope.”

_Kieron. Where is he?_

“He’s not here, honey. You know he’s not here.”

_Where is he?!_

“Wake up, and you’ll remember.”

“Why not?”

_No. No. Kieron. Where…?_

“You’re going in circles, Terry. You’re going to keep going in circles searching for something that isn’t there.”

_Kieron…?_

“He’s not in your head, no matter how much you look.”

_Why…?_

“You’ll remember when you wake up.”

_Don’t wanna._

“Honey, you’re not five anymore. You need to be an adult and wake up.”

_No…_

“Yes, sweetie.”

_I can’t._

“Why not?”

“Do you remember when I died?”

_Mom…_

“Do you?”

“You got over it, didn’t you?”

_… Eventually…_

“There you go. You’ll get over this, too.”

_Kieron’s not dead!_

“Then why are you asleep? Shouldn’t you be looking for him?”

_I have been!_

“This is the wrong place to be looking, Terry. He’s not here.”

_How do I find him? Wait… there was a plan._

“Yes, there was.”

_Is this… part of the plan?_

“Is that hope in your voice, sweetie? Wake up and find out.”

_How…?_

“It’s easy. Just follow the voices.”

xXx

“Hello, Terrence. It’s nice to see you again, though I wish it were under far better circumstances. In case you can’t tell, it’s your father. It’s Dad. It’s been… years. I’m sorry. I suppose some of that is my fault, but you can be quite stubborn, too. Take after your mom that way.”

_… Beep…_

“I asked if you could hear me. The doctors seem hopeful. Patients in a coma sometimes can hear their loved ones. Do I qualify as a loved one? It’s been a long time. I’m sorry.”

_… Beep…_

“Lacy seems adamant that you can hear me. I’m going to be hopeful for a change, and side with her. She’s an impressive young woman, that one. Thomas is lucky to have found her. They… They tell me you found someone, too.”

_… Beep…_

“They tell me he’s a marine. I know we’ve had our differences in the past, and… I guess a part of me always knew it wasn’t just a phase. I just wanted more out of life for you; I wanted you to know what it was like to have and raise a family of your own. I wanted you to have equal rights, get the best of everything. It’s… complicated, with a same sex partner. I hear things are getting better for that, but… I mean…”

_… Beep…_

“I guess I was a little old-fashioned that way, too. I saw life a certain way, and when you rejected my way, it just… threw me a little. And I was still getting over your mom. I loved her so much, Terrence. I just wanted you to know love like that. To know the joy of bringing a child into the world. But I guess… I guess you found love anyway, if what Thomas and Lacy tell me is true.”

_… Beep…_

“Kieron? Is that his name? I’ve always been shitty with names, you’ll have to forgive an old man. I can’t say I’ll change overnight, and we might still have our arguments, you and I, but I would like to meet him. When he returns. Lacy says he’s missing right now. Being a soldier is dangerous work; being involved with a soldier isn’t easy, either. For that I guess I have to applaud your tenacity.”

_… Beep…_

“Lacy says he likes to read. A jar-head that’s an intellect as well? This I have to see. I joke, I joke. I can picture your scowl right now. I miss it, you know? It’s been too long. I miss my son. I’ll deny it if you ask about this conversation, but I doubt you’ll remember it anyway. Can you even hear me?”

_… Beep…_

“I just want the best for you, kiddo. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. I’ve been a bit backwards in showing it, I know, but… I’ll try harder from now on. It’s been entirely too long. I have two sons, not just one.”

_… Beep…_

“The doctors aren’t sure what’s wrong with you; some specialists are going to be called in soon. You need to get better so you’re awake when Kieron returns. You have to have faith that he’ll come back; what’s life without optimism?”

_… Beep…_

“Optimism was always your mother’s thing, despite how stubborn she could be. I loved her for that. I miss her. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but it does get easier to ignore. I suppose… if the worst does happen… then you can at least know it will get easier, in the long run.”

_… Beep…_

“The doctors want to run more tests so they’re shooing me out. I’ll come back soon. Get better, Terrence.”

_… Beep…_

xXx

“Hello.”

_… B-Beep…_

“I do not know what they are expecting me to say. I am not Kieron, merely residing in his form. Yet they think I should speak to you. They think hearing his voice might help you recover.”

_… B-Beep…_

“I do not think you can even hear me, or anyone. Humans are fickle beings, I’ve found. And yet, also very… _intriguing_. I am human now, it seems; I need to eat, and use the restroom – though, that is such an absurd name for that place as you do not do much resting there – and shower. Hygiene is important, or so they tell me.”

_… B-Beep…_

“I do not know what to say. I do not know what they expect me to say. I have little on which to comment. The one you call Tommy, your brother, has been looking after me. The perpetuals have returned to Ethereal in search of answers. Occasionally Alona stops by to check on the two of us, but beyond that, we feel… abandoned. _I_ feel abandoned. I suppose I should get used to that term. I am one single being at the moment. I slip sometimes.”

_… B-Beep…_

“Tommy keeps me hidden in the apartment next door to yours. I am not to show my face to anyone unless he is around; I do not enjoy this ruse. It is unbecoming. I am not Kieron, but I am in his body. Why can we not explain this?”

_… B-Beep…_

“Being in a physical form is disconcerting. I… do not like it. It feels empty without our host. Without Kieron.”

_… B-Beep…_

“It appears our time is up and visiting hours are over. Until next time, Terrence.”

_… B-Beep… Beep…_

xXx

“Good evening, Terry.”

_… Beep…_

“It’s been five days and they still… Never mind. I won’t dwell on it. The doctors said your pain levels how lowered some, so they’re going to start taking you off the sedatives and see about waking you.”

_… Beep…_

“A specialist named Alona is going to set you up at your apartment afterward, and keep an eye on you. I don’t know what kind of specialist she is; Tommy’s being surprisingly vague lately, and I don’t know what to think of that. He’s always been so open with me and I just… I don’t know what to do right now, about any of this.”

_… Beep…_

“There’s still… There’s still no word about Kieron. Tommy said he’s not sure if anyone would even tell you anything right away since… since you two aren’t married. I told him we’d fix that. So I may or may not have accidentally started planning your wedding. So you kind of need to wake up for that, and Kieron needs to get his lazy butt home.”

_… Beep…_

“I bet he’s getting a good tan over there. That’s what he’s doing. He took a vacation and didn’t tell us, and he doesn’t care that we’re worried sick over here. He’ll show up out of the blue like nothing happened, like our lives weren’t turned upside down, and be all ‘oh, hey, don’t worry about it’. Men. I swear.”

_… Beep…_

“But you really need to wake up, okay? Because I can only be so grouchy with him when he gets back. I need you there as my back up.”

_… Beep…_

“The doctors are kicking me out to check your vitals again. I’ll be back soon, Terry. Rest up.”

_… Beep…_

xXx

“Not-Kieron has a name now. I have dubbed him Perez, for ‘Presence’. Creativity was never my strong suit, but it works.”

_… Beep…_

“It’s been nearly seven days, Terry… That’s a week. A fucking _week_ , and you’re just… _unconscious_ and there’s not a _thing I can do_ and… I fucking hate this. This whole thing, you know?”

_… Beep…_

“I’m the big brother here. I’m supposed to protect you. But how the hell do I protect you from this?”

_… Beep…_

“Can you even hear me? Terry?”

_… Beep…_

“Alona is acting like a specialist; she says you probably won’t be, well... _better_ , until after Kieron’s back to normal, so in the meantime she’s looking for ways to help you cope for a bit, while she keeps looking. She says she might have found something, so it’s really time to wake up, little brother.”

_… Beep…_

“She’s convinced some doctors to let her take you back to your apartment, where you’re surrounded with familiar surroundings, you know? These perpetuals… the influence they have… it’s kind of scary sometimes. I never noticed before.”

_… Beep…_

“I mean, it comes in handy sometimes, sure, but…”

_… Beep…_

“Well, I’m sure I don’t have to tell you this is all kinds of fucked up.”

_… Beep…_

“Anyway, um… Perez is gonna stay out of sight for a bit, maybe return to Ethereal with Alona after you wake up. We think distance might do you some good; hearing his voice is one thing, but seeing him… it’s weird. I’ve never been too fond of Kieron, but he… he was growing on me, you know? I was getting used to him. And now…”

_… Beep…_

“Well, now he’s not Kieron. You can tell in the way he stands and walks, the way he looks at you. And you don’t need that right now.”

_… Beep…_

“So if you’re going to be without him for a little while, then… then you should be completely without him, not half-and-half. A clean break. Right? Shit, now it sounds like you have an addiction I’m trying to break you of…”

_… Beep…_

“Look, just… wake up and we’ll figure everything out, okay?”

_… Beep…_

xXx

Searching… Searching…

_Where…?_

_Follow the voices._

There were a few. Lacy, Tommy, Dad… _Kieron_ …

_I want Kieron._

So badly.

_Where’s Kieron?_

No blue chord in my head.

No bridge.

No background hum, however distant.

Just… nothing.

_Kieron, please…_

A plan.

Something to do with a plan.

_Follow the voices._

Darkness in my mind.

Searching… Searching…

_Where’s Kieron?_

_Follow the voices._

Going in circles.

No background hum.

No blue chord.

No bridge in my mind.

_Kieron, please…_

Something to do with a plan.

_Follow the voices._

Searching… Searching…

_Break the pattern, Terry._

No background hum.

No blue chord…

“Terry.”

_Oh, God, Kieron, please._

_Please get me out of here._

_I can’t take it anymore._

“Calm down.”

_Please, please, please… Where are you?_

“We’re in your head, silly. Don’t you recognize it?”

Unfamiliar. Wrong.

No blue chord.

No bridge in my mind.

No background hum, however distant.

_No. It’s too different now. My mind?_

“Yes, your mind.”

_Where are you?_

“The only difference to your mind is I’m not in it anymore.”

_Come back._

“Maybe, in time. First you gotta wake up.”

_This… I’ve done this before. Mom…_

“Something like that.”

_So this… isn’t… real…_

_I want it to be real. Where are you?_

“Wake up and come find me.”

_I can’t. I tried. I can’t._

“Follow the voices.”

_I’m trying! I can’t, I just… it’s so hard…_

“Nothing in life is easy.”

_I can’t… I can’t do this without you. My head is… wrong. Hurts. Can’t find you anywhere._

_Are you dead?_

_Please, you can’t be dead._

“Come find me.”

_Kieron, please._

“Wake up.”

_Where are you?_

Searching… Searching…

_I can’t… I can’t breathe…_

“It’s in your head.”

_Everything’s in my head, huh?_

“In a way, for now. Yes.”

_You’re not Kieron… are you…_

“I’m what you need me to be. I’m trying to help you, but this is just an echo, really. Something you want, something you need.”

_I need you._

“Then wake up.”

_You won’t be there, will you?_

“Come find me.”

_This isn’t a game! Where are you?_

“Going in circles again?”

_I can’t… I can’t breathe…_

“Panicking won’t help.”

_I don’t know what to do! I can’t think clearly, I just… where are you?_

“Not here.”

_I just… I just need… to feel you, for a minute. So I can breathe. Where…?_

“It’s an echo. It’s not real.”

_Then trick my mind, please._

“Very well.”

Searching… Searching…

A pulse of something in the distance.

Can’t see.

Blue hue.

Faint outline of a blue chord.

A bridge.

The echo of warmth against my mind, a memory.

A memory.

The pain, dying away slightly.

Clarity poking my thoughts.

Searching…

_Kieron, please… don’t leave me again._

“Wake up.”

_There was a plan, right? Is this the plan? Are you okay?_

“Wake up.”

_Please, just answer me!_

**“Wake up.”**

xXx

Consciousness slammed into me, spitting me into awareness. Immediately I sat up, using sore, neglected muscles to do so. Hands grabbed my arms, instantly pushing me back down and holding me there. I thrashed, struggling, panic clawing up my throat.

_Kieron! What’s going…? … Kie?_

Searching… Searching…

_No. No, no, no. Where are you? Kieron!_

“Terry, calm down, you’re safe!”

Wrong voice.

Not Kieron.

Who…?

My eyes snapped toward the person who spoke, one of the two people holding me down.

Familiar, on the tip of my tongue. A name. A history. Memories.

“T-ommy?” I managed to push past dry, reluctant lips.

My brother nodded, jaw set tightly, as he kept holding me down. I realized I was still fighting to sit up, but it didn’t matter. None of it mattered. Kieron wasn’t here. Wasn’t in the room, wasn’t in my mind, _I can’t find him…_

“You’re safe,” Tommy said again. “You’re in your apartment. You’re safe.”

“Kieron,” I said.

“He’s not here,” Tommy said. “But you knew that already, right?”

“What happened? Where is he? _Is he even alive_?”

My struggling began anew. The second person shoved me down harshly and I glanced at them finally.

“Do you remember anything?” Ashere asked, scowling down at me.

I swallowed thickly. “Where’s Kieron? I can’t feel him. He’s in trouble. He-”

“Alona sealed the bond, remember?”

My mouth snapped shut.

Searching… Searching…

“What? Why the fuck would-”

And then it hit me.

Miitha Tiaydh.

The presence. _Perez._

In Kieron’s body. Walking around with his legs, his eyes, his mouth…

_Kieron…?_

So fucking _empty_.

“How do I get him back?” I managed to whisper around what felt like a closed throat.

“We’re working on that,” Ashere said. “Right now just worry about getting better.”

“Better…? Was I hurt?”

“The bond was sealed,” Tommy said, staring at me. “You kind of… You’ve been sedated for over a week because you wouldn’t stop screaming.”

Searching… Searching…

“I told Alona this was a bad idea,” Ashere muttered, mostly to himself. “Humans can’t stand a severed bond.”

“It’s not severed,” I snapped instantly. “Sealed.”

“It feels the same to you, doesn’t it?”

“I… I don’t know…”

Searching… Searching…

“Well… I suppose if it was _severed_ , you wouldn’t be awake right now. You’d probably be in the loony bin or something.”

“Shut the fuck up if you have nothing helpful to say,” Tommy spat.

By this point I’d stopped struggling, and just lay staring up at the ceiling. Their hands left me.

“Humans weren’t meant to handle this psychologically. It’s why bonds are rare. When they break – sorry, are _sealed_ – it can literally drive them crazy.”

“How crazy do you feel, Terry?”

Searching… Searching...

“I’m fine.”

“That’s a lie.”

“I’m _fine_. Just help me save Kieron.”

I would be okay when he was back.

Back…

_Where are you…?_

Searching… Searching…

“Calm down,” Tommy said, hand heavy on my shoulder again, but the weight and feel were wrong. Not Kieron.

“I’m _fine_ ,” I snapped, throwing him a glare. I glanced at Ashere, as Tommy shrank back, releasing me. The guilt would set in later, when I cared. “You woke me for a reason. Did you find anything?”

“We’re looking,” he said calmly. “Bekkah’s still there.”

“Then why wake me?”

“Because you’ve been out for a week,” Tommy said.

“So?”

At least when I was unconscious, I wasn’t aware of too much. Just…

Searching… Searching…

_Kieron…_

“Terry? Are you feeling okay?” Tommy asked worriedly.

I shrugged. “I’m fine.”

“Stop lying to me, please.”

“How the fuck do you think I feel?” I snapped, glaring at him, before I took in a deep breath.

Searching… Searching…

No background hum, however distant.

No blue warmth.

No bridge.

Searching… Searching…

“Terry?”

A hand gripped my shoulder again.

I quickly shook it off, shoving Tommy away. “Don’t touch me,” I said, still glaring at him. “I’m fine. I’ll be fine.” My gaze shifted to Ashere. “What are you doing here if you don’t have answers yet?”

Ashere’s eyes narrowed. “Are you okay? You don’t seem like yourself.”

“I’m _fine_.”

“Maybe you should see a therapist or something,” Tommy said. “I’m sure they have some in Ethereal, right? That know about this kind of thing? A broken bond, I mean?”

“It’s not broken,” I cut in before Ashere could answer. “Sealed.”

Searching… Searching…

“We do,” Ashere answered, ignoring me. “And I think you’re right. I knew it’d be harder on him, but this is… a little unorthodox.”

“Fuck you.”

“Terry?”

“Go away. Find Kieron.”

“We know where Kieron is,” Ashere said, frowning at me. “He’s trapped in his head, remember? Sealed away?”

Searching… Searching…

_“Come find me.”_

“Right,” I muttered. “Then find out how to get him back.”

“We’re working on it.”

“So why are you here?”

“Checking on you, you ungrateful little shit,” he snapped, glaring at me, eyes narrowing. “I lost my friend too, okay? I miss him too.”

“He’s _my_ bond-mate, not yours. You don’t know how this feels,” I spat back.

His eyes flashed dangerously. “No? I don’t know? I lost Blaine, remember?”

Was it possible to physically shrink? “I… I’m sorry. I don’t… I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I know you lost Blaine, and I’m sorry.”

Ashere sighed heavily. “I know it’s worse for you, being human and everything. But we are working on this, Terry. It’s just going to take more time.”

Searching… Searching…

_Please…_

“How much longer?” I asked.

“We’re not sure.”

“Where’s Alona?”

“She’s in the other room, sleeping. She needed a break.”

“A break?”

“Trying to wake you was difficult for her.”

Searching… Searching…

_“Come find me.”_

_I’m trying…_

_Where are you…?_

Searching… Searching…

“Terry?” Tommy again.

“I’m okay,” I said roughly. “I just… I think I want to be alone.”

Alone with my thoughts.

With my mind.

 _In_ my mind.

Searching… Searching…

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Tommy said slowly.

I threw my feet over the side of the bed. “I didn’t ask for your opinion.”

“We’re just trying to help,” Ashere said.

“I want to be alone right now.”

Searching… Searching…

“Fine,” Ashere said finally, sighing heavily. “We’ll give you a few hours. Will you be okay on your own?”

“I’ll be fine.”

Searching… Searching…

_“Come find me.”_

“Where’s Kieron?” I asked before I could stop myself, and then licked my dry lips, looking away. “I mean – whatever the fuck you’re calling him. It. _Perez_.”

“You… You _heard_ me?”

“Yes,” I muttered. “I heard you.”

In my head, and in reality.

“Next door,” Tommy said. “I’m keeping him out of Lacy’s sight. He’ll be going back to Ethereal with Alona.”

“I wanna see-” I snapped my mouth shut. “Keep him away from me.”

“Terry?”

“Please leave.”

I padded across the carpeted ground toward the bathroom, and disappeared inside.

When I came out, they were gone.

xXx

Searching… Searching…

_“Come find me.”_

_I miss you…_

_I can’t find you…_

_Where are you…?_

Searching… Searching…

_I love you…_

I wasn’t sure how long I sat there on the edge of my bed, just – _waiting_. Searching. Forever searching, but there was nothing to find. All traces of him were gone from my mind save for the echoes, the little memories.

All I had left.

Searching… Searching…

“Please…”

I dragged a hand across my face, taking in a shallow, slow breath.

_What’s wrong with me? I can’t…_

I couldn’t think clearly. All of my thoughts felt so scattered, so disconnected. Empty. _Wrong_.

My mind was my own, and it never should have been.

_I can’t think…_

When did I become so… unsettled, in my own skin?

_I can’t do this anymore…_

_Where are you?_

_“Come find me.”_

_I’m trying, Kie. I’m trying so hard._

Searching… Searching…

Sighing, I pushed to my feet only when my thirst became too much. I padded into the kitchen and pulled out a bottle of water from the refrigerator.

I was dimly aware of the sound of the TV in the apartment next door.

And who resided there…

My eyes slid closed.

_No. I won’t go see him. I won’t._

It wasn’t Kieron. It would do me no good.

I took in a trembling breath, releasing it slowly.

In the end I lost the battle, and found myself stomping out of my apartment. Before I knew what I was doing, my knuckles pounded against the door. A moment later it opened.

I was unable to hold in the whimper at the sight of him. I took a quick step forward, eager to touch him, to hold him and feel him and never let go, but managed to stop myself at the last second. Dark blue eyes watched my every move carefully, but they weren’t his eyes. Not really. There was something off about them, something I couldn’t really place.

“Kieron?” I whispered shakily, even though I already knew the answer.

_Please… Please…_

“Negative,” said Not-Kieron. “Are you well, Terrence?”

My eyes fell closed against the burning of tears. “I… N-No. I’m not… I’m not okay. I just… Please. He’s still there, right? Can you… Can you feel him? Hear him? Talk to him?”

“Negative,” he said again.

A sob lodged in my throat. “What… What do you mean?”

“He is sealed away from even me. I feel nothing, sense nothing.”

The sob slid free, the wretched sound falling from my lips.

“Can you just… Can you j-just call me Terry? Or… Or h-human? And… And tell me it’ll be okay?”

Silence, for a long moment. I was afraid to open my eyes.

Afraid of what I would see.

Afraid the tears would spill.

Then, finally:

“It’ll be okay, Terry.”

The voice, the words, even the tone… it was almost all right. All perfect.

Another sob ripped free. My eyes squeezed tighter closed.

“Kieron…”

_I miss you… I miss you so much…_

_Please, I don’t know what I’m doing…_

_I don’t know what to do._

_I can’t…_

_I can’t do this without you…_

But he heard none of this, because he wasn’t in my head.

“I am not Kieron.”

Too true.

Too real.

Tears slipped through the lashes.

I backed away from the door, and back to my own apartment.

There was nothing for me next door.

Kieron couldn’t be found there, either.

 


	31. Going Mad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terry gets a bit... rude. A descent into madness.

Chapter Thirty-One: Going Mad

 

“It’s so good to see you!”

Lacy’s arms should have felt warm around me, but I still felt cold. Everything was just so empty and cold. I forced a smile for her sake, as she released me.

“You too,” I told her.

She frowned. “You sound terrible, and you look like you haven’t been taking care of-… Well, I mean, you were unconscious for a while so that’s to be expected. Have you eaten today?”

I shook my head automatically. I hadn’t thought of food in a while, but I tried to force myself to eat something at least once a day. I’d been awake for three days now, and it never got any easier. I didn’t actively feel hunger these days. Dimly, in the back of my mind, I wondered if I’d ever feel it or care about it again. Care about anything again.

Searching… Searching…

“Take a shower and I’ll fix you something,” Lacy said, smiling sadly at me.

I frowned. “That’s not necessary.”

“I insist.”

Refusing her offer would only lead to an argument, and she was only trying to help. So I relented, and nodded. Somehow I knew this wouldn’t be just a simple chat, and would be a longer visit. Tommy wasn’t even here with her; she just stopped by to check on me. _Me_.

I swallowed and made my way out of the living room, through the kitchen toward the bathroom. I snagged some clothes on my way through the bedroom, not stopping long enough to glance at what I was grabbing; it didn’t really matter as I had no intention of leaving the apartment.

I could hear Lacy moving around the kitchen, clanging pots and pans as she dug for something. I stepped into the bathroom and quietly closed the door behind me, the silence forever ringing in my ears no matter how much I tried to fill the void. Sighing, I tossed my clothes onto the sink and stared at the shower.

I needed to shower; I hadn’t seen I woke up, and before that I’d only gotten sponge baths. Dimly I wondered what Kieron would think of that, if he was here.

_But he’s not._

Searching… Searching…

I quickly stripped, eager to move and keep my mind as busy as possible, by focusing on a task. After getting the water the right temperature I stepped into the shower and closed the curtain behind me, just standing there under the water, letting it wash over sore muscles. Somehow, it did very little in terms of relaxing me.

Nothing was relaxing anymore.

I wasn’t sure how long I stood there, under the spray, but eventually I managed to force myself to actually start showering. Somehow, my fingers didn’t feel as good as Kieron’s, going through my own hair.

The last time I showered, Kieron was here with me.

It was his last day.

Searching… Searching…

Bile in my throat, burning against the lining.

I swallowed it back down and clenched my eyes tightly closed, body trembling despite the warmth offered by the water. After a few shaky breaths I managed to compose myself for the time being. _Perez_ was still next door; maybe talking to him again could give me a second to breathe, but somehow I doubted it.

It wasn’t him.

It was, and yet it wasn’t.

Kieron was trapped so far within himself it was like he didn’t even exist anymore, and that was terrifying.

The bile was back.

I swallowed it down again, and opened my eyes, determined to get through the next hour. I wasn’t sure what I would do when Lacy left and I had nothing left to focus on, but I’d think of something. I had to.

Soon enough, my shower was finished. I stepped out into the silence brought on by the lack of shower spray, and managed to towel myself dry enough to begin putting on my clothes. Once I was dressed in sweatpants and a T-shirt, I exited the bathroom to head back toward the kitchen.

It was then the smell hit me.

Lacy was cooking breakfast.

And just like that, the dam I’d barely managed to create – splintered, fractured, _broke_.

I wasn’t aware of collapsing to my knees, but suddenly there I was, almost out of the bedroom, kneeling there like an idiot with tears burning hot behind my closed eyelids. Warm hands were on me quickly, but the weight and feel were wrong.

“Terry? Honey, what’s wrong?”

“Kieron…” I managed to push through reluctant lips, fighting back the onslaught just waiting to be unleashed.

“Oh, Terry…”

I was pulled against a warm body. For once I didn’t fight it.

I crashed into her embrace and fought back the tears. I hadn’t actually cried yet, save for right after I woke up and went to see _Perez_ for myself. I hadn’t mourned, but that was because I couldn’t mourn. There was nothing to mourn. Kieron wasn’t dead, he just wasn’t here right now. I’d get him back. Crying felt like betrayal.

“It’s okay, honey, it’ll be okay.”

_What if it’s not okay?_

What if I never got him back?

“Kieron will come home soon,” she told me, like she could read my thoughts. “He always does, right? This time won’t be any different. It’ll be okay.”

I wanted to believe her so badly.

Searching… Searching…

“It’s so empty,” I whispered into her shoulder, unable to stop myself.

“It’ll get better,” she promised. “He’ll come home soon.”

I wasn’t sure how long we sat there, but eventually I managed to pull away, my gaze focused on the ground but at least the tears weren’t falling. I blinked them away and nodded to let Lacy know I was okay. For now. Only for now.

“Was it the pancakes?” she asked softly. “I forgot Kieron always…”

“It’s okay,” I mumbled, pushing to my feet. “Let’s just eat.”

I wasn’t hungry, but it would be better than talking about this.

xXx

At the door.

It was loud, and woke from what little sleep I managed to get. I hated sleeping these days; it wasn’t peaceful or relaxing, and I always woke more exhausted than when I fell asleep. My sleep was riddled with nightmares of barren wastelands and missing blue chords, too. It was terrible.

I woke from this particular dream and rolled over, reaching for someone who wasn’t there. Who was never there, not anymore. Day six of this, and it hadn’t gotten any easier. I’d been at my apartment for six days, and it was just so _hard_. _Perez_ left two days ago with Alona, so I couldn’t even see him anymore, not that I went back to see him after that first time, anyway. But still… I always had the option, and I no longer did anymore.

My fingers hit cold covers, like always, and for a moment I stared at the empty spot next to me. The spot which never should have been empty. Just like my mind, and the apartment. So _empty_.

Searching… Searching…

I sighed and crawled out of bed as the knocking continued. It didn’t appear this person was going to take no for an answer. I already knew it wasn’t the perpetuals; they would have entered on their own by now. Tommy probably would have broken the door down to check on me before too long. That left Lacy. She could be persistent.

I wasn’t in the mood for company. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. And yet, I still put one foot in front of the other because at least when I had company, it distracted me. Kept from looking for him, from thinking about it, from…

Searching… Searching…

I made it through the apartment and finally yanked the door open.

“H-Hey, Terry,” John said, looking back at me with those familiar eyes and dark hair.

“What do you want?” I muttered, too tired to bother glaring at him or anything.

“I just… I heard you were in the hospital not long ago and I just… wanted to check in, since I was back in town.”

“Why are you back in town?”

The last I heard, he fled with his family. I would, too, if given the option. Take Kieron, Tommy, Lacy and Amanda – and Dad, I suppose – and flee, leaving all of this nonsense behind and just be normal and safe. Kieron and I gave John that very option not that long ago; we saved his family, and he fled with them. All that I asked in return was that he left me alone, because we weren’t friends anymore. Not since he pushed that gag back into my mouth and silenced me even after I told him something was wrong.

“Tess wanted to… I mean, she’s going to school nearby, and I didn’t want her to be alone so I moved here with her,” he said, frowning at me. “You look like shit, Terry. Are you okay?”

“What do you care?”

“I know we’re not friends, but once upon a time you were a big fucking part of my life, okay? I know I fucked up, but you did help me a lot. I just… wanted to be sure you were okay.”

“I’m fine.”

His frown deepened. “You don’t sound fine. You sound kind of… flat. Did something happen?”

“No. Please leave.”

“Is it Kieron?”

My eyes narrowed. “What the fuck do you want, John?”

“Just to check on you! That’s all!”

“Well, you have, and I’m fine.”

“Geez, Terry, you don’t sound fine!”

“Well I am!” I snapped, glaring at him. “I’m perfectly fucking fine, and I don’t need your help!”

“You need _someone’s_ help!”

“What the fuck do you know?”

He stared at me for a long moment. His hair had gotten a lot longer since the last time I saw him, long enough to be in a small ponytail now, but the strands just hung down around his face. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to… upset you, really. I just… I just wanted to check on you, and you’re being really weird right now, Terry.”

I shrugged. “Point?”

“You’re being an asshole, and that was never your style.”

I opened my mouth to argue, but then closed it again. He was right. I was being a rude asshole to pretty much everyone. I just… didn’t care anymore. About much of anything, and I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t help being rude sometimes. I needed to try and fix this, though.

But not with John. I asked him to leave me alone.

“Why are you here?” I asked again.

“I already said,” he said exasperatedly. “I just wanted to check on you.”

“We’re not friends, so why?”

“We used to be close friends,” he said, frowning. “I thought that meant something.”

I shrugged. “It’s over. Anything else?”

He stared at me for a long moment, before he shrugged and backed away. “Alright. Fine. Be an asshole on your own. Sorry for giving a shit.”

He turned to walk away.

I slammed the door closed and stalked back into our room.

 _My_ room.

Nothing was _ours_ at the moment.

Searching… Searching…

 _Empty_.

xXx

“Hey, it’s Terry. Sorry to have missed you. Leave a message!” _Beep._

 _“Terry…? I know you’re there and you’re ignoring me. Lacy’s worried sick. If you don’t call us back or pick up soon, we’re coming over.”_ – Tommy.

 _“Terry, sorry it’s late, I couldn’t sleep. Amanda’s keeping me on my toes with all this midnight crying. You’re probably sleeping, but I just called to ask if you’ve heard anything about Kieron? Please keep us in the loop. We care about him too. Tommy can argue all he wants but he cares. He’s on edge as well. Please call me back when you can. Thanks.”_ – Lacy.

 _“Hello, Terrence… it’s your father. I don’t know if they told you or if you heard me, but I visited you in the hospital. I was hoping we could talk, when you’re ready. It’s been a long time. Alright… bye, son.”_ – Dad.

 _“We need to talk, you little shit.”_ – John.

 _“John said you were in the hospital and you’re being a little bitch. That true?”_ – Rufus.

 _“Alright, that’s it. I’m coming over.”_ – Tommy.

 _“We’re just worried about you. We love you.”_ – Lacy.

 _“Not answering? Hiding? I know you’re in there. I’m waiting out here so you better open up.”_ – Tommy.

 _“Seriously, Terry. I think I’m being followed.”_ – John.

 _“I’ll give you one more day to come to your senses before I’m breaking the door down. You better not be drunk off your ass or passed out in there.”_ – Tommy.

 _“Amanda wants to see you. No, really, she said your name! Well… okay, so it wasn’t technically your name so much as a sound, but… she meant you! She said ‘Re-Re’, isn’t that adorable? Call me back, please. We’re worried about you, and we’d all love to see you.”_ – Lacy.

_Ring, Ring… Ring, Ring…_

“Terry?”

“I’m fine. Please stop calling.”

 _Click_.

 _“What the hell was that? You don’t sound fine! Pick up the phone!”_ – Tommy.

_Voicemail disconnected._

xXx

Eight days. Eight long days of being awake and without Kieron. Even longer since the bond was sealed, and I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I once told Tommy I would lose it when the bond was sealed.

I was right.

I didn’t feel like _me_ anymore. Everything was just so _empty_. Like a vital piece of my core, if not my entire core, had been carved out and thrown away. I had no way to fill the void as it wasn’t even something I could explain or even begin to comprehend myself.

Each day, it just got worse.

Searching… Searching…

I kept searching for him, unable to stop myself. Unable to stop looking through every little crevice of my mind, for that vital piece that was missing. For any remaining trace of him so I could just _breathe_ for a minute. But it was all gone; no echoes, no remaining pieces… nothing. It was just empty.

Every time my search came up empty, it felt like another piece of me died away. There was this pang of _something_ , something painful and bitter and _please come back_ … and more of myself chipped away. This was driving me crazy. I knew I was behaving terribly – I was being an asshole, as John called me. I knew that. But I couldn’t help it because I couldn’t bring myself to care about it, not right now. Not when…

Searching… Searching…

 _Perez_ left about four days ago. I didn’t know what to think about that. A part of me wanted to go with him because it was still _Kieron_. Another part of me wanted to be as far away from him as possible, because it _wasn’t_ Kieron. It only looked like him. But also, deep down, my Kieron was hidden away. Locked away, sealed away, and I couldn’t reach him. The presence couldn’t reach him, either, and I had no idea what to make of that. Shouldn’t _Perez_ have been able to feel him somehow? They were in the same body, after all.

Searching… Searching…

Thinking about it left more of myself chipping away, so I forced myself to stop.

_I need to get out of here._

The apartment was suffocating. The air was toxic. I couldn’t breathe.

Before I knew it, I’d pushed to my feet and walked out of the apartment without even putting on shoes or socks. The sky spat out defiant drops of rain, but I barely noticed.

Searching… Searching…

The anger, hurt, frustration, despair – it all built up and when my search yet again came up _empty_ , I couldn’t help myself, couldn’t stop the action.

I threw my head back and screamed.

xXx

The barren wasteland was arid and windy.

For some reason, I wasn’t quite expecting that.

It was vast, as well. I couldn’t see an end in any direction I looked as I spun in a slow circle, aware of the bright yet dark sky. Dark in that it was almost void of color save for this odd shade of gray, but also bright because of the flashes. Lightning? A strange kind of lightning? I couldn’t be sure.

_Alright… what’s going on?_

“Kieron?” I whispered automatically, because that was all I wanted. All I could think about most days – the emptiness within and without. The apartment was silent and vacant. My mind was the same. And it shouldn’t have been. “Kieron, please…”

Was this my mind?

_This is what my mind has become._

A barren wasteland with nothing in it. Empty. Void. _Silent_ , save for the ringing of silence. Not even the lightning made sound. Or, rather, the thunder. All I could hear was the silence, so loud in its ringing.

“What’s going on?” I whispered, looking around again.

_Why am I here?_

There was a chill in the air which wasn’t there before. I brought my arms around myself, shivering. “Why am I here? Hello? Where _is_ here?”

“Come find me.”

The voice was so perfect, so familiar and warm and-

“Kie,” I choked, spinning around, but I was still alone. The voice echoed around me, though, bouncing off invisible walls, shattering the silence despite how quiet the voice became. “Kieron, please, I can’t… I can’t keep doing this. Where are you? Please!”

“Why aren’t you looking for me?”

“I am, Kieron, _I am_! I’m looking so fucking hard! I can’t… I can’t find you, okay, _please_ , I can’t… I can’t…”

I spun in a slow circle, searching for him. Forever searching. But like always, I was alone; he wasn’t there, and he should have been. He should have _always_ been there.

“Come find me…”

The voice was fading.

Something snapped.

“ _No_! No, don’t you fade away, dammit! Kieron!”

I couldn’t find him.

“Where are you? Please, Kieron, I can’t… Please come back…”

_Please don’t leave me again. Please._

“… Find… me…”

“Kieron! Please! _Kieron_!”

Silence, my own voice echoing around me.

I waited.

And waited.

There was no response, just the silence ringing in my ears, and howling of the wind as it picked up with its icy chill.

I sank to my knees, my head tipped forward and my eyes closed. The tears burned hot against the eyelids as my hands clenched into fists at my sides.

“ _Kieron_ … please… I can’t… I can’t keep doing this. I can’t find you. I miss you. I need you. _I miss you_. Kieron…”

Forever alone.

“Kieron…”

“Terry, wake up.”

“K-Kie?”

My head snapped up, but something told me it was a lie. The voice was… off. Wrong.

Not Kieron.

Then who…?

“Terry – wake up!”

“Kieron…”

“Terry!”

xXx

I woke with a gasp, nearly colliding with my company’s head as they hovered over me. Instantly they pulled back, releasing a heavy breath.

“Finally,” Tommy said, frowning at me. “You had me worried there for a minute. Was it some kind of mental attack?”

“Attack?” I whispered, frowning back at him, struggling to remember the fading echoes of the dream. I didn’t care about the wasteland. I just wanted to remember…

The voice…

_“Come find me.”_

_I’m trying, Kieron. I’m trying so hard._

“You kept calling for Kieron.”

I swallowed thickly, looking away. “What are you doing here, Tommy? I don’t remember giving you a key.”

“I sort of, um… well, I spoke to your landlord and he gave me a key.”

“What? Why?”

“I told him I was worried about you; that you were in the hospital recently, and that your boyfriend’s missing.”

He said it all so nonchalantly. My hands clenched into fists around the blankets surrounding me.

“He eventually let me have a key, since my name is on the lease as well. Sorry; I was worried about you, Terry. You look like shit.”

“Yeah? Well, no one asked you.”

“And you’re being a little brat.”

“Fuck you.”

“Frankly, I’m tired of this attitude,” he snapped.

I flinched. I hated it when Tommy yelled at me. It was this little brother instinct I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to get rid of.

“I know Kieron’s not here right now, and I know how much that’s fucking with you – but this is getting ridiculous. You’re not co-dependent on him.”

“I am,” I choked, squeezing my eyes shut. “I am co-dependent.”

“Terry, you’re being-”

“I’m serious,” I whispered, and he went silent. “It’s a… a side-effect of the bond. I can’t… I don’t know what to do without him, physically or mentally. I can’t… I don’t know how much longer I keep doing this. It’s driving me crazy.”

Tommy was silent for a long moment.

“Do they have any leads? Are they any closer to getting Kieron back?” he asked finally.

I shrugged weakly. “I… I don’t know. I haven’t… They haven’t told me anything.”

“They just left you alone?”

I nodded numbly. “I… asked them to.”

“And they just… what? Listened?”

Another nod.

He sighed heavily. “Fucking assholes. You shouldn’t be left alone. Where’s Perez?”

“He went back to Ethereal with Alona. I haven’t… I haven’t seen or heard from them in days.”

“If something happens to Perez, would you feel it?”

I shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know…”

It was Kieron, after all. Well, his body, just not his mind, his personality, his core. Just his body. But that body was a part of him. Would I feel it if Perez was in danger, or hurt?

_What if he dies?_

If that body died… then would Kieron?

“Whoa – hey, breathe! Calm down!”

Hands on my shoulders.

I shoved them off, sucking in a ragged breath.

“I’m okay,” I choked, shoving him away. “I’m… I’m okay. I think I’d feel if he was hurt.”

_I hope. Otherwise he could be dead for all I know and I’ll never get Kieron back._

It was too terrible to think about.

Searching… Searching…

_Kieron, please…_

I scrubbed a hand over my face. “What now? I assume you’re not leaving me alone.”

“No,” he said. “I’m taking you home with me.”

“I’m not a stray dog,” I said flatly.

“I know that, Terry, but you can’t be on your own right now. You’re… You’re unstable.”

I knew that.

Accepting it was another matter entirely.

“Fuck off. I’m not going anywhere. I live here.”

“Being a bitch again?”

“You don’t like my attitude? Then leave!”

“I’m your brother, Terry! I’m only trying to help!”

“Maybe I don’t fucking want your help!”

He glared at me. “You done bitching yet?”

I glowered at him. “Go away, Tommy.”

Searching… Searching…

Every single time… just empty. Another pang of _something_. More of me chipping away.

Tearing at the seams.

Falling apart.

_Please…_

“I just want to help. You can’t tell me staying in this apartment is good for you. Look at you!”

I hesitated, mostly because I knew he was right.

“I can’t breathe here,” I whispered softly, looking at the ground. “It’s… It’s _suffocating_.”

Everything about this place just reminded me that I shouldn’t have been alone. Kieron should have been here with me.

And he wasn’t.

Would he ever be again?

Searching… Searching…

“So come home with me,” Tommy said softly, resting a hand lightly on my shoulder. “We’d love to have you. Lacy’s worried about you.”

I hesitated. Going there… it felt like running away. Betrayal. This was home. But yet it wasn’t. It wasn’t home at all, not without Kieron. And the longer I stayed here like this, the more… out of touch I felt. The less like _me_.

Everything here reminded me of him. Of Kieron.

The bed. The living room. The bedroom. Bathroom. Kitchen.

_I can’t breathe…_

“Okay,” I whispered, closing my eyes. “I’ll go with you. For… For a day or two.”

I just needed a little space.

Time away from all this emptiness.

xXx

Tommy and Lacy didn’t have a guest room, exactly. They used to, once upon a time, but it had since been turned into Amanda’s room. They had another spare room, but long ago it had been turned into an office of sorts. There was a little couch in there, though, and that was where I slept. It was either there or the living room couch, and it just felt too… open, there.

Too vulnerable.

Lacy was happy to have me here. She hugged me tightly and said everything would be okay, but it was getting harder and harder to believe that, to have faith. The longer I went without Kieron, the harder everything became. It was a nail slowly being drilled into my head, a pain I couldn’t see and couldn’t stop.

Sleep came so rarely these days.

It was no surprise to find myself lying awake that night, staring up at the ceiling as the ceiling fan spun softly with this quiet, whooshing sound. It only partially drowned out the silence, and only because I was actually focusing on it. Otherwise I’d go mad, I was sure.

Eventually I gave up on the idea of sleep, and turned the lights on. It didn’t help much; everything felt the same. Empty. Dark. _Wrong_.

I inhaled slowly. At least here, I didn’t have to worry about rolling over and burying my face in Kieron’s pillow. His scent was gone now, for the most part; all that remained was the echoes in my memory, and it didn’t help. More of him was slipping away each day and I could do nothing to stop it. Here, at least, I didn’t have that problem. The scent of this house was completely different from my apartment.

Since this was an office, or study, of sorts, there were a lot of books around. Mostly, textbooks. Tommy was a teaching assistant in the local high school, as a music instructor. Most of his textbooks involved the great musicians like Beethoven and everything, and modern music rhythms. It was interesting, since I always liked music. It was a fondness we shared.

Now, though, I found little comfort in looking over the somewhat familiar textbooks.

I flipped through a few pages, hovering over the musical notes, before I sighed and shut the book. In my current state of mind, there was no way I could sustain even a mental melody. Everything was too chaotic in my head right now. I didn’t care about music; I only cared about…

Searching… Searching…

My eyes fell closed.

_Please, I’m trying to find you, Kieron. I don’t know where to look. I know where your body is; it’s in Ethereal, with Ashere, Bekkah and Alona. I can’t… I just… Please…_

Searching… Searching…

 _Void_.

I tried to imagine the mental link. The glowing blue chord.

I couldn’t.

The impression I had of it was fuzzy, and lacking something very vital.

Everything was wrong.

Searching… Searching…

“I miss you,” I whispered into the silence around me. “I’m losing it, Kie… I can’t… I don’t know what I’m doing…”

I dragged a hand across my face, not surprised to find my face was more than slightly damp. I swallowed back the sobs which wanted to be freed. Crying was betrayal; I couldn’t do it. Crying meant it was real, that I was mourning him, and I wasn’t. Because I would get him back. I _would_.

_I can’t keep doing this, Kieron. I can’t keep feeling like this. So empty. So… so wrong. This… This is no way to live._

How did I ever manage without Kieron? How was I before him?

I couldn’t think about it.

Now that I knew what it was like to have that kind of bond, to have _Kieron_ , I couldn’t imagine not having it. Being without it was killing me. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, didn’t care about anything… This certainly wasn’t living.

It felt more akin to dying than anything.

And it would only continue to get worse the longer I went without him, I knew.

The only thing keeping me even remotely sane right now was the fact this was _temporary_. Had to be temporary. Couldn’t _not_ be temporary.

Searching… Searching…

_Please…_

I’d get Kieron back soon, and things would be okay. This was all that kept me from completely losing it. But it was getting so _hard_ … so very hard to keep going like this, to stay rational and sane… to ignore the _hurt_ …

And if I didn’t get him back…

A sob wrenched free, loud in the otherwise silent room.

_I won’t make it._

That was all there was to it.

Searching… Searching…


	32. Cold and Barren

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Further descent into madness. Continuation of last chapter's descent, with a touch of hope mixed with depressed apathy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was originally part of last chapter but it would have been really long so it got chopped in half. I'll try to update soon but no promises, with work and everything.

Chapter Thirty-Two: asdf

 

“There you go, sweetie.”

The warm words were accompanied by a soft kiss to the top of my head as Lacy put the plate of food down in front of me. I sighed, sinking further into my seat, before I poked at my breakfast of bacon and eggs. I really wasn’t hungry; I never was anymore. Eating was a chore more than anything these days. A hassle.

“I have the whole day planned for us,” Lacy said after a moment of silence, as she sat down with her own plate.

“Oh?” I murmured, pushing some of my eggs around.

“Yes. We’re going to go shopping and to eat.”

“Joy.”

I winced before she could say anything.

“Sorry, Lacy. I don’t… I don’t mean to be rude. I’m just… off.”

“I’m not offended,” she said warmly. “I’d be like that too if… I mean… if Tommy was missing. Have they… Have you heard anything about Kieron yet?”

I sank back further into my chair, shaking my head.

Searching… Searching…

“I’m so sorry. I can only imagine how hard this is for you.”

“I…” I sucked in a trembling breath, my eyes falling shut. “I miss him.”

_So fucking much._

“Oh, Terry… I miss him too. You’re not alone in this.”

Kieron didn’t want me to be alone.

“I didn’t even… It was so fast. I didn’t say goodbye.”

I was rambling, but I couldn’t stop. It was true. I had an entire day to say goodbye to him, but I stopped him from having any goodbye speeches, which meant I couldn’t have any either. Because we’d see each other again. Now, though… without him… what if I never saw him again? Him, and not just his body? What would I do then? What even were my last spoken words to him?

I couldn’t remember.

I just knew I could have done so much better.

“It’s okay, honey,” Lacy said, fingers combing through my hair. I hadn’t been aware she’d moved to sit next to me until then. Her fingers reminded me of Kieron, when he did this to me before the bond was sealed.

I took in a shuddering breath, dropping my fork. “I’m not… I’m not hungry. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she said again, in that same soft voice. “We can start shopping early.”

“I don’t really want to shop,” I managed to whisper.

“Well, I do, and Tommy won’t go with me. So you’re stuck with me. Let’s go.”

She snagged my arm and hauled me to my feet.

xXx

Perhaps ‘shopping’ was too strong of a word for what we did. We basically just looked around at everything, and bought very little. We planned to buy some later, perhaps around Christmas or something, but not right now. That was basically what we did for the majority of the morning into the afternoon – window shopped, and didn’t actually buy much of anything.

By the time we left the mall to go eat, it was nearly four in the afternoon.

I shifted uncomfortably in the seat at the restaurant. It wasn’t anything too fancy, and I’d been here more than a few times, but I just felt so – strange, suddenly. Uncomfortable in my own skin, but maybe that was nothing new. I felt like this a lot since Kieron… wasn’t here anymore.

Searching… Searching…

I sighed, and glanced up only when someone sat down across from me. A hand landed on my shoulder and I stiffened before looking up to find-

My eyes opened wide. “ _Dad_?” I choked, staring at the man who’d been my hero growing up. My hero up until I hit my teenage years. Up until Mom died. Up until I said I was gay.

Dad looked the same as always, but with gray hair mixed in with the dark brown. His brown eyes softened as he smiled, little crinkles forming around his eyes. I hadn’t seen this man in years, but it brought back so many memories, both good and bad. He was always a taller man with broad shoulders and everything, but somehow he looked small at the moment as we stared at each other.

“Terrence,” he breathed, like a prayer. “How are you?”

I swallowed thickly, my heart stuttering in my chest. “H-Hey, Dad,” I said weakly. “I… I just… I’m good. H-How are you?”

And it was so incredibly awkward, and painful, but also wonderful at the same time. I’d never hated my dad; I argued a lot, and got angry with him, sure, but I never hated him. I loved my father, and I missed him. We were both just too proud to admit it at the time. Too proud to cave, on either side.

And so we went years without speaking.

And now…

Now I felt like I was five-years-old again, crawling into Dad’s lap so he would read me a bedtime story.

Dad smiled, the lines in his face showing more. Then, before I knew what was happening, he pulled me into a tight hug. I sank into the embrace automatically, breathing in the scent of him. He always had this strong aftershave; it was a scent I associated with both him, and my childhood.

All too soon the hug ended, and he sat next to me at the table, with Lacy and Tommy across from us.

“Sorry to ambush you,” Tommy said, smirking at me. “You’ve been in a bit of a funk, though, so…”

I shrugged. I couldn’t argue with that.

“Is your… boyfriend still missing?” Dad asked somewhat uncertainly.

I stiffened, but nodded, looking away from everyone to focus instead on the table, and menu resting there. I picked it up and brought it up to partially hide my face as I flipped through it, skimming through the options. “Yeah,” I said softly. “Still missing.”

“I’m sure he’ll turn up soon,” Lacy said. “And I’ll kick his ass for making us worry.”

The thought of sweet Lacy fighting Kieron should have made me laugh.

It didn’t.

I sighed.

“Tell me about this boyfriend,” Dad said. “I’d like to know about him.”

My spine straightened a little further. This was something I’d always wanted to share with Dad – information of my boyfriends, like Tommy always did with his girlfriends – and now that he was offering… it felt wrong. Wrong, because we hadn’t spoken in years. I wanted this, though. I wanted to tell him. I wanted to gush about Kieron, but it hurt. It hurt because for all intents and purposes, Kieron was gone right now. He was _dead_ right now, basically. All that was left was the body.

Searching… Searching…

“Kieron’s sweet,” Lacy said, breaking the silence. “He reads all these books though he pretends to hate them. He’s strictly a carnivore, it seems. He loves steak. He also seems to like laser tag – we played a few times. He’s not the _best_ bowler, but he tries, and it’s adorable. And the way he looks at Terry is so _cute_.”

As Lacy spoke, my gaze rose from the menu to focus on her. Afterward, I just continued to stare at her, my mouth entirely too dry, my tongue sticking to the roof of it.

Her gaze met mine. “Anything else, Terry?”

Searching… Searching…

“Yes, Terrence; I would like to hear what you think of him,” Dad said calmly.

I sighed, sinking further into my chair, bringing the menu up a little more so all they could see of me was my eyes. After a deep breath, I nodded. “Kie’s great,” I said softly, gaze scanning over the items on the menu. “He’s sweet, but don’t… don’t tell him I said that. He hates being called sweet. He… He had a rough life. He said his own parents don’t even love him and he doesn’t love them, and… well, it’s just been hard for him.”

“Poor kid,” Dad sighed. “I could never not love my own child, though.”

I shrugged.

“How did you two meet?”

A very difficult question. Only Tommy knew the true answer, but I stuck with the one I gave Lacy, which was close enough to the truth.

“He saved my life in the woods one night,” I said, still looking through the menu. “There were others there, looking to… well, kill me, I guess. Just because. And he knew, and tackled me to the ground and… we waited until they left. That’s how we met.”

Silence followed my statement.

My eyes hovered over the steak for a moment, before I looked away, at other items.

“He sounds like a good man,” my dad finally said.

“He is,” I said softly.

“I’m sorry he’s missing.”

I exhaled slowly. “Yeah,” I whispered, biting my lip. “Me too.”

“He’ll be home soon,” Lacy said. “He always comes home, right?”

I nodded weakly, staring at the menu without really seeing it.

_Please come home, Kieron…_

Searching… Searching…

“How long have you been together?” Dad asked, breaking the silence which had descended upon our table.

I shrugged. “Going on two years.”

It was the easiest answer. I wasn’t sure _when_ we technically got together, though; was it when he tackled me in the woods and all of this started? When he kidnapped me for my own protection? When we were forced to bond? When we kissed? Had sex? Or when he almost died on me the first time?

That was where it got rather complicated, so I just chose to say it was almost two years. It seemed much simpler that way.

“And you’re happy?”

I nodded numbly.

_Am I…?_

No. Right now I wasn’t. Right now I was anything but happy.

But generally, with Kieron… yes, I was very happy.

It was why this hurt so fucking much.

It would be different if I hated Kieron. If I hated the bond. Then it wouldn’t hurt so much. But no, I loved him, and needed him, and _missed him_. So much.

“Do you live together?” Dad asked.

“Yes.”

The apartment was _our_ home. Which was why it was so incredibly wrong right now, because I was _alone_. And I never should have been.

“How long have you been living together?”

“A while.”

Didn’t matter now. Nothing mattered right now except the fact it was so empty…

“Do you trust him?”

“More than anything.” The answers were automatic at this point, and all true. I took in a slow breath.

Searching… Searching…

_Please, no more…_

“I miss him,” I found myself whispering, unaware I’d spoken the words until Dad’s gaze managed to snap me out of my light daze, and I glanced at him, swallowing thickly at the look in his eyes.

“He’ll be back,” he said simply.

I smiled weakly. This wasn’t the Dad I remembered, the one who said it was just a phase. This person was much more understanding, and I loved it. Maybe our time apart had changed his mind, or maybe it was all of Tommy’s meddling, but either way, I was happy he was here now.

“Yeah,” I said softly, nodding slowly. “Kieron will come home. He always does.”

The waitress arrived, then, and the conversation died away.

xXx

“It was nice to see you and Dad getting along,” Tommy commented later that night when we got back to his house, where I was going to stay at least another night. There were perpetuals watching my family, so I knew it was safe for me here, too, just as it was at my apartment.

If I cared about safety, I’d appreciate it. Right now I didn’t care about much, though.

I was so tired of feeling so _empty_.

“Yeah,” I mumbled, making my way toward the study/office. Tommy grabbed my shoulder and stopped me, spinning me around. For a minute he just stared at me, and he waited until he heard the bedroom door from upstairs to shut, signaling Lacy had gone to bed, before he started speaking.

“I know this is hard for you, but you’re just… It’s weird, okay? You’re creeping me out. I think you need to see a therapist.”

I laughed flatly. “And say what, exactly? ‘Oh, my boyfriend is a blue-haired immortal from Atlantis and he’s currently sealed inside his own body, trapped within himself, and the version of him walking and talking right now is actually a presence which might be older than time itself, a remnant of a destroyed world of magical bonds and golden blades. I’m currently suffering from a sealed bond and it’s getting worse every second. Can you help me?’ I don’t think that’s gonna go over very well!”

It was the most I’d spoken in so long, all at once. I swallowed thickly afterward, staring at my brother, who stared back at me in turn.

“A therapist can’t help me,” I whispered weakly. “You think I like feeling like this? I don’t! I’m losing my goddamn mind! But that won’t help me.”

“There has to be a therapist in Atlantis that can help,” he said in response.

I shrugged. Ashere said there was, but then didn’t bother finding me one. It didn’t matter anyway. “I’m fine,” I said, before I turned to head back toward the study.

“You’re not fine.”

Tommy trailed after me.

I sighed, stopping just outside the door to the study, my hand on the knob as I glanced over my shoulder at my brother. “No,” I said, “I’m not. I’m not okay. I’m so far from fucking okay I can’t even remember what that feels like. But nothing is going to help me except getting Kieron back, and I’m sorry, Tommy, but you can’t help with that.”

With those words, I opened the door and stepped inside the study, shutting the door in my brother’s face before he could say a word.

I sighed and stepped through the room toward the small couch.

All I wanted to do was sleep for a year, and pray I didn’t dream of the one thing that eluded me.

xXx

Kieron’s skin was warm against mine as I rolled over, into his warmth, his arms around me as he slept. I smiled at him as sunlight filled the room, illuminating his face. He looked so perfect like this, so at peace and serene, his breaths deep and even, relaxed. So perfect like this, and he was all mine.

His eyes opened, and he smiled at me.

I grinned, nothing but warmth flooding through me. “Hey, sleepyhead,” I said softly, shifting up enough so I could kiss him on the tip of the nose, leaving him scrunching up said nose in response. “Good morning.”

“Morning,” he replied, and something about his voice left an ache inside of me. Like it had been so long since I heard that tone, that voice, that everything, but I’d only been asleep roughly six hours. His arms tightened around me, pulling me back down toward him.

I easily collapsed into him and his warmth, my lips meeting his own in a rough, tender kiss.

“I love you,” I said as I pulled away a moment later, to catch my breath. His eyes flashed briefly, to that bright hue I loved so very much. I grinned widely, kissing him again, and again, and again. Until I was breathless and had to pull away.

“Turn the air down,” he said softly, shivering beneath me. “It’s cold.”

I nodded, easily sliding away from him. As soon as my skin left his, there was this flash of _something_. Something cold, and dark, and empty. _Terrifying_. I spun back toward the bed, staring at the empty space where Kieron was only seconds ago. Uncomprehending.

“Kieron?” I whispered shakily, still staring. Willing him to reappear.

He didn’t.

It was freezing.

 _Empty_.

“Kieron?” I whispered again, spinning in a slow circle, but where once I stood facing the AC, I now saw a vast, open area. A barren wasteland. Arid. Windy. _Cold_. “Kieron?” I spun back around toward the bed only to find it missing, now, too. Just a barren wasteland all around me. “Kie, please…? Kieron?”

My voice was this strange, foreign thing. Unrecognizable. Wasn’t me, couldn’t be me; was too _empty_ and _terrified_ to be me. None of this was real, couldn’t be real. A dream. A nightmare.

_Kieron, wake me up. Please wake me up, I don’t like it here._

The wind was my only answer, leaving me shivering.

“K-Kieron?” I whispered, teeth chattering.

The barren wasteland turned white with a thick layer of snow. It wasn’t there at first, only appeared after I blinked. I blinked, and suddenly it was like I stood in a blizzard. My feet stood frozen beneath the snow, the white blanket up to my thighs as I wrapped my arms around myself, shivering violently, teeth chattering.

“K-K-Kieron? P-Please?”

_Kieron, wake me up! I don’t wanna be here anymore! Please! Please wake me up!_

The air grew frostier, and the area grew darker. Night. Dark. Empty. Cold.

“ _Kieron_!”

_Kieron, please, don’t leave me here… don’t…_

Not real.

This wasn’t real, but I knew that; a dream, a nightmare, couldn’t be real, wasn’t real, couldn’t, wasn’t, couldn’t-

But what _was_ real?

“Kieron!”

Kieron wasn’t. The dream. The bedroom. Kieron. Not real.

Not with me, not real.

Couldn’t comprehend, couldn’t believe, couldn’t allow, wouldn’t-

Cold. So cold, and dark, and empty.

“Come find me.”

“Kieron!” I spun in the direction of the voice, but there was no one there. Just me, forever alone. Forever cold, abandoned, empty, alone, forgotten, void- “Kieron, please don’t leave me here not like this please don’t go not again I can’t please I can’t-”

“Come find me.”

“I’m trying! Please! Don’t do this to me again you can’t do this again okay because I can’t I can’t I can’t! I can’t do this anymore Kieron please just-”

But still, I was alone.

The wind picked up.

So cold.

Snow everywhere, blinding me.

“K-Kieron…”

My teeth chattered harshly.

“P-Please d-don’t leave me h-h-here… N-Not a-again…”

Silence, save for the howling of the wind.

“Please j-just c-come back…”

“K-Kieron?”

Forever alone.

 _Void_.

xXx

I woke with a gasp, tears spilling down my cheeks almost instantly as I pushed myself into a sitting position. My breaths were these ragged, heaving things as sobs lodged painfully in my throat. I reached across where I previously lay but I was alone. Alone, alone, alone. Forever alone.

 _Alone_.

“No, please,” I choked, realizing I wasn’t even in bed. I was on a couch. Alone. “Please, please, _please_ , I can’t do this anymore, I can’t, I can’t, _I can’t_ …”

I wrapped my arms around myself, shivering despite the fact I knew the room was warm enough. I shivered, and my shoulders shook but not from the chill within me, but the sobs attempting to break free. The sobs I swallowed back with a choked little sound. The tears I blinked away and refused to allow to fall.

“Kieron, please… _please_ …”

I knew I wouldn’t get a response; I was alone in the room, so of course I wouldn’t. But I was also alone in my mind, and this fact had yet to actually sink in despite how long it had been since it happened. Two weeks since it happened, and half of that time I had actually been awake. Awake and aware of the vital piece missing from my mind, leaving it a barren wasteland I hated to see. Hated it so fucking much. Hated the cold emptiness, hated feeling like this so fucking _much_ …

_I can’t do this anymore. Please. Please just come back. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. Please, please, please. Kieron…_

Pathetic thoughts, I knew. Begging. In my mind, to a mind I couldn’t contact, not anymore. Used to be able to, used to know so well, know the warmth and the hue and color and thoughts and-

But not anymore.

Gone.

Gone now.

Searching… Searching…

Alone, alone, alone.

I curled in more on myself, rocking back and forth slightly.

_Please don’t leave it like this. Please don’t leave me here like this. Please come back. I can’t fucking do this anymore, I don’t know how to behave, how to feel, how to keep going, I can’t-_

A strangled sob escaped from between my chapped lips. Another soon followed, causing my body to tremble. The tears slipped down my cheeks freely, despite how hard I fought to keep them inside, but they would not be contained any longer. The dam I had built so carefully, so fragilely, finally broke and fell down around me, and there were the tears. The tears and the onslaught of everything I tried so hard to hold back. All the fear, and doubt, and hatred, and anger, hurt, pain, despair, desperation, _please come back don’t leave me here please don’t do this to me just please come back I can’t-_

I swallowed deep gulps of air, feeling dizzy and sick and tired all at once. My head throbbed incessantly but it was the least of my worries. Instead I blinked heavy eyelids open; my eyes were dry. How long had it been since I woke, since the tears started falling? I couldn’t breathe. It hurt. Everything hurt, ached, cold, empty, gone, alone, _please no more…_

_I miss you. I love you. I miss you. Please._

And then, more fervently:

_I need you…_

But still, alone. Forever alone, and I shouldn’t have been.

The tears came again, the new dam, barely built, already breaking. And the tears overflowed and spilled and the sobs wracked through my body once more, and I didn’t even try to stop it. Couldn’t try, didn’t try, wouldn’t try, needed this, hated this, _please come back please don’t do this to me please just-_

A light flipped on in the darkness. The sudden light left me growling and wincing and yelping and sobbing all at once, and I choked and sobbed and cried and dry heaved and curled into the warmth offered from a nameless, faceless body. The identity didn’t matter; it wasn’t Kieron, and he was the only one I wanted right now. Would ever want. Needed. Wanted, needed, desired, _needed_ …

Not him. Didn’t matter who.

Hands curled against me, pulling me into the warmth.

The warmth was a warmth that was cold, too. Wrong, cold, empty. _Void_. Alone.

I sobbed and cried and broke and fell apart.

Searching, forever searching for that link, that something in my mind, but it was gone. Gone, ripped away from me without my input, without my consent, without-

Just gone, and I had no way of getting it back, could I get it back, would I, could I, _can I please just_ -

Words, softly spoken into my ear. Soothing voice, but wrong. Didn’t matter, didn’t care. Couldn’t care, wouldn’t care, not unless-

Eventually the sobs came to an end. Exhaustion won out, and sleep claimed me.

God was kind this time.

There were no dreams of barren wastelands.

xXx

Stayed at Tommy’s four days.

Went back to apartment. Couldn’t ignore it anymore. Lived there. Needed to go back. Want and need two different things and yet they were the same.

Searching… Searching…

_Please no more dreams…_

xXx

Two days after leaving Tommy’s, a knock at the door.

Debated about answering it.

Decided against it.

Didn’t matter who it was.

Didn’t care anymore.

 _Empty_.

xXx

The next day, more knocking.

Stayed in bed. Didn’t matter, didn’t care.

Go away, world. Just go the fuck away.

Stayed in bed. Never get up, never…

The door opened. Footsteps in the apartment.

Lifted my head, craned my neck to see as bedroom door opened.

“You look like shit,” Ashere said.

My head dropped back down against the pillows.

Eyes fell closed.

Just Ashere.

Didn’t matter.

“Get up,” Ashere said.

“Go away,” I said, with a great deal more effort than it should have taken to get the words out.

Been so long since I spoke to anyone. Since I moved from this spot.

“We have a plan. Get up.”

“No. Fuck off.”

Irritation in his voice as he spoke, suddenly right next to the bed, brown eyes glaring at me. “Do you want to save Kieron or not?” he spat distastefully.

 _Kieron_.

Something… Something stirred within. Ignited. Burned. Alive.

I sat up. Nodded. “Let’s go.”

Ashere eyed me momentarily. “What’s wrong with you?”

I shrugged. No big deal. Didn’t matter. Nothing mattered, not anymore.

Wouldn’t matter until…

_Kieron…_

Ashere’s hand caught my arm, stopping me as I made to get dressed so we could leave. I spared him a brief glance, noticing the look in his eyes.

“I’m fine,” I said flatly.

“Like hell you are.”

“What do you care? You left me here!”

“You told me to! And I was helping Kieron!”

“That _thing_ isn’t Kieron!” I snapped, suddenly livid. The first emotion I’d felt in days other than fatigue and this sense of ‘I don’t care anymore’. “Okay? It’s not fucking _Kieron_! Kieron is _gone_!”

And just like that, my eyes widened, and his eyes widened, and I hit my knees, sinking toward the ground.

“He’s gone,” I choked breathlessly, staring at Ashere. “K-Kie’s _gone_ …”

“No,” Ashere snapped, slapping me – literally slapping me – across the face. I blinked against the sharp spike of pain, and attempted to focus on him. “You listen to me; he’s alive. He’s Kieron, and he’s a fighter, he’s just sealed away right now but we can fix that, and we _will_ fix that. Do you hear me? I thought you _loved_ him.”

A snarl lodged in my throat. “I _do_ love him,” I hissed, glaring at the perpetual. “More than anything.”

He nodded tightly. “Then don’t give up. It’s not over yet.”

I nodded weakly, swallowing thickly. “So what’s this… this plan?”

“First we need to go back to Ethereal.”


	33. Use Caution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terry returns to Ethereal... A new hope is born.

Chapter Thirty-Three: Use Caution

 

Ethereal was the same as always; the sky was the same, the grass, the weather, the wind… everything was the same, and yet it all felt so very different. I felt this perpetual chill no matter what, an iciness coursing through my veins. I tried to shake it off with warm thoughts of Kieron and how today might be the day we saved him – _please please please let it be today I can’t do this anymore I can’t I can’t I can’t_ – but it did little to fight against the constant onslaught of ice-cold terror mixed with dull apathy, swirled with sharp desperation.

Ashere tried to fill the time with idle conversation, but I wished he’d just remain silent. I really didn’t want to talk right now. Couldn’t remember the words, how to say them, what to say, why…

“How have you been?” he asked a bit later, his fourth attempt at getting a decent response out of me. Thus far it had been short answers, usually only one word long, but this time I sighed because I knew if I kept ignoring him he would only continue to speak.

“Fine,” I muttered.

“Bullshit.”

I shrugged. Didn’t matter. Couldn’t matter. Only one thing mattered, and it wasn’t this. Wasn’t me.

Ashere sighed heavily. “Come on, Terry, I’m really trying here.”

“Why?”

_Why bother?_

“Because contrary to popular belief, I don’t hate you. I don’t like seeing you like this. I especially don’t like knowing it’s because of _Kieron_.”

My gaze slid toward him for the first time in hours. His eyes caught my own, but I quickly looked away, shrugging.

“I miss him too,” he said quietly. “I lost him too.”

I knew that, but did it matter? Kieron was _mine_ , not Ashere’s. The mental connection was so strong, and now it was gone, and I didn’t know how to keep doing. Every move felt wrong, every breath rushed, every thought empty… and the silence had never been louder.

“He’s my best friend, Terry.”

“You love him,” I said finally. “Stop dancing around it; you love him.”

_You love him like I love him, but he’s mine and I love him more because he’s **mine** and our bond… was… our bond is everything. Everything to me, and it’s gone, and you can’t understand what that’s like because your bond with Blaine was different._

Had to be different. Couldn’t be the same. Couldn’t comprehend, wouldn’t, shouldn’t, _can’t do this please just_ -

Ashere was quiet for a long moment. Finally he sighed heavily. “Of course I love him,” he admitted softly, like he was afraid to speak the words, but I knew anyway.

I snorted.

He sighed again. “It’s complicated, Terry.”

“He’s mine.”

More silence.

A sigh. “I know.”

Yet more silence, but I was okay with that. I tired of this conversation quickly. I tired of everything quickly these days. Just tired, and cold, and empty, void, silent, _please just fucking come back…_

“But for a while,” Ashere finally continued, snapping me from my circle of thoughts, “he was mine.”

A snarl lodged in my throat.

Swallowed it down.

Couldn’t let it happen, couldn’t growl, wouldn’t, wouldn’t help anything, couldn’t-

“I know what a severed bond feels like, Terry. I went through this myself, after Blaine. I know what you’re going through.”

Shook my head.

Wasn’t the same, couldn’t be the same.

 _Mine_.

“And now Kieron… This is hard for me, too. I understand. So I know you’re not _fine_ ; you can’t be.”

I kept my mouth shut.

Little to say.

Couldn’t, wouldn’t, shouldn’t, _can’t do this anymore please just_ -

Searching… Searching…

_Please…_

“Are you listening to me?”

I sighed heavily. “Yes, now shut up.”

“I’m a bit sick of this attitude.”

“So sorry,” I muttered distastefully.

Keeping Ashere happy was fairly low on my priorities right now.

The silver-haired perpetual stepped in front of me, cutting me off, a scowl etched across his face as lips pulled back in a snarl. “Listen here, you little shit, I lost him too! But here’s the fucking kicker – he’s not fucking _dead_! He’s alive, and you need to get the fuck over this shit and get him back, or what good are you?”

Fingers snagged the front of my shirt, shaking me a little as I stared at him and his angry brown eyes.

“I know what a severed bond feels like; I know what it feels like to suddenly have it fucking _snap_. Kieron’s not dead, and the bond’s not broken, it’s just sealed, so get your shit together and focus on that! There’s still fucking hope for you, but there wasn’t any for me! I blinked and she was fucking _gone_ , okay, and now Kieron’s-”

He stopped himself there, snarling harshly before his fingers uncurled and he released me, spinning away from me. I stared at the back of his head for a long moment. His shoulders remained rigid for a long time, hands clenching and unclenching at his sides, before he finally sighed and relaxed his posture a little. Then he muttered something under his breath and kept walking, leaving me standing there, staring after him.

A moment later I moved to catch up.

“You’re right,” I whispered quietly. “Kieron’s not gone. I need to… I need to stop acting like he is. But you have to understand this is killing me; this _sealed_ bond is fucking torture, okay, and I don’t… if it was severed… I can’t…”

I wouldn’t know what to do with myself, how to handle myself at all. Would completely tear apart at the seams, and there would be no way to stitch me back together again. Would just let go, because this was torture already, and if the bond _snapped_ …

I swallowed thickly, knives once again in my saliva, cutting all the way down. “And I know you lost Blaine; I’m sorry. I know it was hard for you.”

He sighed heavily. “Let’s just walk in silence.”

I nodded, though he couldn’t see me since he was ahead of me.

I was getting too used to silence.

Searching… Searching…

 _Gone_.

xXx

Ashere didn’t try speaking to me again, but then I didn’t really expect him to. I felt bad for snapping at him so much when he was probably the only person who really had any clue what I was going through, since he lost Blaine and their bond himself, but I just felt mostly apathetic toward him right now. Apathetic about everything, really.

Eventually we came across a small hut, with Bekkah sitting on the tiny wooden porch, waiting for us. She got to her feet from where she’d been waiting on the wooden swing, smiling hesitantly at me.

“Hey, Terry,” she said cautiously.

I shrugged. “Hey, Bekkah.”

She smiled a little more, glancing at Ashere. “He’s not as moody as you said he was.”

Ashere tossed her a glare as he pushed past her inside the hut. I moved to follow after him when Bekkah caught my arm, causing me to frown somewhat as her eyes scanned over my face uncertainly, her teeth biting at her lower lip.

“Kieron’s in there,” she said softly. “Or, I guess, _Perez_ , is that what you’re calling him?”

My spine stiffened and my eyes fell closed. Slowly, I nodded.

“Are you okay with that?” she asked. “I don’t want you to have a relapse or something; I heard you were in the hospital.”

I shook my head. “I’m fine, don’t worry.”

I flashed her a grin I didn’t feel, and then extracted myself from her hold and entered the hut.

It wasn’t anything fancy, but then I wasn’t really looking. Immediately my gaze was focused on the familiar blue hair and dark blue eyes, my mind drawn to it.

Searching… Searching…

The constant empty abyss and thick wall I ran into every time I searched was driving me crazy, especially now that I could _see_ him. He was there, in front of me, and yet a million miles away. Untouchable.

_Please…_

Searching… Searching…

_Kieron, please, I don’t wanna be here anymore. I don’t wanna be like this anymore. Please…_

I closed my eyes, forcing myself to turn away from the too-familiar body. A shiver tore through me, my body fighting my decision; it knew what it wanted, and what I wanted and needed, but it was wrong. So very wrong because it _wasn’t_ Kieron. It was a stranger wearing his face.

“Terrence,” said the familiar voice, with a chord of wrong to it.

My spine straightened, a rigid frame I didn’t want. “H-Hi,” I said quietly, forcing the words past reluctant lips as I kept my eyes closed. “How are you, Perez?”

 _Kieron, please, I can’t do this anymore, please, please, please_ -

Searching… Searching…

 _Searching_ …

_Please, you’re right in front of me… please…_

Barren wasteland, empty abyss.

Nothing but me, myself and I.

“I am well,” _Perez_ said. “How are you? You look rather pale.”

“The term is ‘like shit’,” Ashere spoke up from my left. I scowled, keeping my eyes firmly shut.

If I couldn’t see Kieron, maybe I wouldn’t miss him so much.

Searching… Searching…

_Kieron, Kieron, Kieron…_

“Ah, good, you’re here.”

I opened my eyes to find Alona joining us, keeping my gaze focused on her instead of looking around the room.

Searching… Searching…

_Please, no more. Stop searching. Please._

“What did you find?” I managed to ask.

“First, how are you?” she asked in return.

I shrugged. “I’m fine.”

“Don’t listen to him,” Ashere said with a scowl. “He’s being a whiney bitch and he’s also surprisingly rude. I miss the old version.”

I threw him a quick glare and he just smirked in response.

“I’m fine,” I said again, looking back at Alona.

She eyed me dubiously. “Kieron.”

My gaze instantly snapped toward Kieron, eyes wide. Was he back? Was…?

“See,” she said. “You’re unstable.”

My gaze instantly shot back toward her as I glared at her. “Not fucking funny,” I snapped. “I’m tired of your fucking games. Are you going to fix him or not?”

“See,” Ashere said. “Moody.”

“Fuck you,” I hissed. “Fuck all of you!”

“Hey, I didn’t say anything,” Bekkah protested.

“Terrence, perhaps you should-”

“Shut the fuck up!” I snarled at Not-Kieron, looking at him again, and it was so fucking _painful_.

Searching… Searching…

“Ah, good, you’re all here,” said a new voice, and I tore my gaze away from Not-Kieron to focus instead on Dettere as he entered the hut. There were so many people in this tiny place we were practically all touching, with me squished between Ashere and Bekkah, with Kieron – _Perez_ – and Alona across from us, and now Dettere on the other side of Ashere, partially in the middle of the divide.

He eyed me momentarily. I was really getting tired of that look.

“I’m fine,” I said before he could say anything. “Why am I here? Did you find anything?”

“What are you doing here?” Alona asked with a small frown, which meant Dettere being here wasn’t part of the plan. Interesting.

Dettere shrugged. “I have come across news of a certain sensitively classified perpetual.” His gaze landed on me again.

I swallowed. “Kaspen?”

“Kieron’s brother?” Ashere asked, still in shock about that, it seemed.

“My words are for the human and the human only.”

I swallowed thickly. There was this sudden deep ache whenever I heard ‘human’. I realized only then that in Kieron’s final days, he never called me human. Always Terry. I surprisingly missed the name of ‘human’, now.

“Why me?” I asked quietly, forcing the ache down into the abyss of my mind where I could deal with it preferably _never_. “Why just me?”

“It is complicated,” Dettere said. “Do you wish to hear the information I have? It is a memory.”

“A… A memory?”

“Yes, shared with me by someone who was there when Kaspen was put into the Lake.”

“O-Okay…”

Dettere nodded at the doorway. “Shall we?”

I glanced around at everyone, skimming over Kieron because it hurt too much, and then nodded, leading the way out of the tiny hut. Dettere followed after me.

Once alone outside, and a decent ways away from the hut so the others couldn’t hear us, Dettere stopped and looked at me. I frowned at him.

“Why just me?”

He shook his head. “It is complicated. What you must know is that Exrie used to be an Elder.”

I swallowed thickly. “He used to… be in charge?”

“In a sense.”

That kind of made sense. He was power hungry, after all. Plus, when Kieron almost died on me the first time and I attached him to my limbo, the Elders had been there and they’d seemed to know Exrie fairly well, and said he went too far. It made sense that he was an Elder before he turned all evil and everything.

“He also used to stationed at the Lake to be present for Readings and judgments.”

My pulse jumped as I remembered Kieron’s memories of the Lake, and how he’d been wrapped in chains while the Elders judged him and went through his mind. Once upon a time, that used to be Exrie’s job.

“That is how he met Kaspen.”

My gaze skittered back toward Dettere from where it had lowered to the ground. “W-What?”

“Kaspen was taken to the Lake to be judged. He failed, and was sentenced to be thrown into the Lake for eternity.”

The punishment for perpetuals still made me sick to my stomach. I remembered how I felt, drowning in that cave-in with water spilling into the hole while Kieron dug me out one rock at a time. I remembered how I swallowed against the air caught in my throat, struggling for even just a few more seconds…

I shivered, knowing that for the perpetuals trapped in the Lake, there was no second chance. Kieron breathed for me, let me keep breathing; the perpetuals had no such option. They choked and swallowed around their air until it finally exploded from them in a burst of bubbles, and then they choked on the water around them as they struggled to get even an ounce of air, and then they finally died, only to awake and immediately gasp in water and repeat the entire process for eternity.

And to think Kieron could have been thrown in there…

Searching… Searching…

“We are not entirely certain on the details, but we do know that Exrie helped him escape, either before or after he was thrown in. If it was after, that raises more questions. Either way, Kaspen left the Lake with Exrie. A few years later Exrie resigned his post as an Elder.”

“You can do that?” I asked.

Dettere shrugged. “It is not unheard of, though it is uncommon. Occasionally an Elder can withdraw if they feel that is the best choice for their abilities. Exrie said he was a fighter and grew tired of giving orders, so we put him back on the roster. He was very good at infiltrating enemy lines and getting information, and he could hold his own in a battle even against some of the animalistic perpetuals, before they were banned. We were fortunate to have him back in the fight.”

My mind spun, struggling to comprehend this. “So… then what happened? How’d he go all evil?”

“We are not certain. It became apparent of his intentions only when he tried to kill Kieron and capture you, with the screamers. Before that, we had only vague notions with little proof. He favored the screamers and animalistic perpetuals; he often fought against sending them into the Lake, or killing the screamers. He said just because someone was born a little different didn’t mean they were inherently evil, but traditions can be rather hard to break.”

I blinked a few times, uncomprehending. Once upon a time, Exrie actually seemed like a decent guy, fighting for equal rights, speaking up for the minority and those judged too harshly. Sticking up for those like Kieron, who were born animalistic but weren’t evil. He even saved Kaspen from the fate many others endured.

But now he was evil, and that was all there was to it. He wanted to kill Kieron and bond with me so he could rule Ethereal. Evil. Crazy. Insane.

“Eventually Exrie disappeared, until he showed up with the screamers, attempting to kill Kieron and bond with you,” Dettere continued. “Then we realized he was indeed a disturbed individual. Our efforts at capturing him, or even finding him, have not been fortuitous.”

I swallowed. “He was in Miitha Tiaydh; do you think he died there?”

“Anything is possible, though I doubt it,” Dettere said.

I nodded; I doubted he died there, too. He wouldn’t have destroyed the place without a way out, there was no reason to.

“Okay,” I sighed softly.

“There is one more thing.”

“O-Oh?”

“We assumed Exrie shared a DNA connection with Kieron because we thought he was using his DNA to help create the golden weapons. We were wrong.”

“W-Wrong? So he’s not related to Kieron?”

I’d wondered about that, of course, but lately it had been so far from my mind…

“We believe it is Kaspen’s DNA which is being used to create the weapons, not Exrie’s.”

That made sense, even though it made my stomach twist in tight knots. So Kaspen really was evil, then. Working with Exrie.

_Poor Kieron._

He just found out he had a brother, animalistic in nature as well, and he was evil.

“Why couldn’t you say this in front of everyone?” I asked softly.

He hesitated again. It was so unlike him it instantly left me uneasy.

“Not everyone can be trusted,” he finally said. “I have been given reason to believe we have a traitor amongst us.”

“T-Traitor?” I repeated with a deep frown, my pulse jumping again. “What do you mean? Ashere and Bekkah would never – it has to be Alona.”

But that left fear igniting in my gut, because she was the one who ‘sealed’ Kieron away, and if she was working with Exrie, then-

Searching… Searching…

 _No, no, no, please, you can’t be gone, please, Kieron_ -

“Kieron,” I choked. “She – She sealed the bond, is he…? Is he okay?”

“I do not think it is any of them,” Dettere assured me. “I just know they have contacts whom they trust, and would be determined to figure out who the culprit is, and this would lead our enemies to being tipped off that we know. It would also put our comrades in jeopardy. For now, we should keep this between us. Tell them nothing about this.”

I swallowed thickly. “So Kieron’s okay, right? He… He’s just trapped in his head?”

_He’ll come back, right?_

Searching… Searching…

“I regret that I do not know much about that, but I assure you, if the bond was indeed severed instead of sealed, you would not be coherent now.”

I paused.

Let that sink in.

“Okay,” I whispered softly, exhaling slowly. It would have to do for now, because it was all I had. I had to believe Kieron was okay, and that I would get him back.

“Come,” Dettere said. “Let us rejoin the others before they worry.”

I nodded and followed him away from the small clearing.

When we returned to the hut, I couldn’t help but glance at each and every one of them, uncertain. What if Dettere was wrong and one of them was the traitor?

Bekkah was currently smirking at Ashere, who looked back at her somewhat shyly, apparently having been scolded by Alona, who stood next to him, chuckling softly. _Perez_ stood apart from the others, watching them with this soft expression on his face which reminded me painfully of Kieron.

_I miss you…_

Searching… Searching…

I closed my eyes and drew in a slow, shaky breath.

Then I rejoined the others.

My… friends, I realized. They were my friends. Bekkah and Ashere both, even though I argued with Ashere and growled at him a lot. They were my friends, and they’d been there through thick and thin with me and Kieron. They weren’t just Kieron’s friends, they were mine as well. Even Alona; I didn’t know her very well, but she seemed nice enough and was trying to help.

And I should have felt joy at seeing them smirking and laughing with each other. Instead I just felt so disconnected.

Disconnected from absolutely everything.

Except Kieron.

_Please…_

Ashere looked at me as I approached them.

“So?” he asked. “What’d Dettere say?”

I remembered Dettere’s warning about keeping it between us. I shrugged. “Not much, it was mostly a ruse.”

“Ruse?”

“He just cornered me and asked me how I felt.”

Not entirely a lie. He did ask how I was, but that was before we left the others.

Ashere seemed to accept the answer.

I should have felt guilt at lying to my friends.

Should have.

I felt nothing.

My gaze automatically moved toward Kieron. _Perez_ , I corrected. Not Kieron, wasn’t Kieron, couldn’t be Kieron, _will you ever be him again…_

Dark blue eyes watched me carefully.

I shivered, biting down hard on my lower lip.

Searching… Searching…

_Please just give me him back…_

Tore my gaze away.

Nothing for me there.

Only more pain.

xXx

“Terrence.”

I squeezed my eyes shut. “Go away, please.”

“I… apologize.”

I sighed.

Hours had passed and we’d traveled to a cabin which was large enough for us to stay in and sleep and everything, for the time being. I wasn’t sure how long we’d be here, but they others were discussing possible ideas of where we could stash _Perez_ so Kieron could be woken again.

Which meant Kieron was still there.

It felt like I could breathe again, if only momentarily.

The others went to bed some time ago, save for Dettere who was keeping watching outside on the porch. That left me and _Perez_ awake.

“What do you want?” I asked softly.

It was quiet for a moment, save for the sound of soft movement. I opened my eyes and there he was, so perfect except it was a lie. A lie, because it wasn’t Kieron. Not my Kieron. Just a cruel joke. A cruel tease.

_I want, I want, I want…_

Searching… Searching…

“I merely wished to check on you,” Perez said. “You were important to Kieron, and-”

“Is that all?” I asked, closing my eyes. “If so, you can go. I’m fine.”

“You are not.”

“I will be.”

_When you’re gone._

Searching… Searching…

“Can you… feel him, at all? Kieron?” I couldn’t help but ask.

“Nothing,” he told me. “I cannot feel him, nor speak to him, as I told you before. That hasn’t changed.”

I sighed heavily. “Alright.”

Searching… Searching…

_Please stop searching, I can’t take it anymore…_

“I’m tired,” I said. “Please leave.”

“Very well.”

I listened as he left. Listened as the door closed. Opened my eyes and sighed as I looked up at the ceiling from where I lay on the bed I would be using.

_I’m not okay._

I wasn’t. Not in the slightest. I was only even remotely sane right now because of the hope, the hope that this would be fixed and Kieron would be coming back. If that was taken away…

I swallowed thickly, eyelids falling shut against the burning in my eyes.

xXx

“Varrite.”

I stared at Ashere. “Excuse me?”

“Varrite,” he repeated. “It’s a very rare mineral here in Ethereal.”

I frowned. “And?”

“ _And_ , it has certain properties similar to that of Miitha Tiaydh. Since Perez lived in a cave, where this mineral is said to have stemmed from, then if we find it, we might be able to put him in it.”

“Put him in a rock?” I repeated.

Ashere nodded, looking determined. “It has certain properties like the caves; it should allow him to inhabit it. He will be able to talk like the walls did, right?”

“So he’ll be a talking rock?”

Ashere shrugged. “Better than him being in Kieron, right?”

I nodded instantly. “How do we find this rock?”

“That’s the hard part; it’s very rare, and since the destruction of Miitha Tiaydh, Exrie has started collecting such minerals and everything. It’s like he knows.”

I winced, remembering Dettere’s words about there being a possible traitor somewhere. Thankfully Ashere didn’t notice my look, as he just kept on talking. I had to admire his enthusiasm.

“But if we can find it, it should be simple to get him out of Kieron.”

“Simple,” I echoed.

“Did you know about the scar?”

“Scar?”

Ashere nodded. “From when… you tied him to your limbo? That scar?”

“What about it?” I winced, sighing. “He… He mentioned it hurting him, occasionally. I told him to get it checked out, but… but things came up, and…”

And like always, I forgot about it. We forgot about it.

Ashere frowned. “Well, that’s why he’s this way.”

“W-What?” I stammered, staring at him.

He nodded. “It’s the scar that won’t heal because you attached him to your limbo. It makes him more susceptible to essences and spiritual things, according to Alona. It made it easy for the presence to enter but harder for it to leave as, when you attached him to your limbo, your goal was to keep his spirit inside his body and get him healing. Therefore it’s harder for other spirits – presences – to leave.”

I swallowed thickly, pulse racing. “So… so it _is_ my fault… All my fault…”

All my fault Kieron was like this.

My eyes were burning again.

I closed them.

Ashere sighed, suddenly next to me, his hand awkwardly on my shoulder. “You saved him by attaching him to your limbo; you couldn’t have known. No one did. Alona only just realized herself. Don’t blame yourself.”

I shook my head.

_It’s all my fault. I’m sorry, Kieron. Sorry I didn’t force you to get it checked out… sorry I kept forgetting… sorry… just sorry…_

“But we can fix it, balance it out a little, if we find the varrite.”

I sucked in a shaky breath. “How?” I croaked, forcing my eyes open once I’d willed the tears away for the time being.

“It’s a spiritual stone, of sorts; it’s why they call it the Guardian Stone,” Ashere said briskly. “It will make it easier for the presence to attach itself to it instead of Kieron, and therefore will make it easier for it to leave Kieron.”

Something nagged at me in my mind. Something…

“And how do we get this varrite? How fast can we do this?”

_Please say soon. Please, I can’t do this much longer…_

Ashere sighed. “Again, it’s very rare and very difficult to find right now. For all we know…” He exhaled tiredly. “For all we know, Exrie’s destroyed it all. It’s only found around the opening to Miitha Tiaydh, and last we checked, it was barren, after its destruction.”

“I… But…”

Something. Nagging.

I blinked. “Fuck me.”

“Excuse me?”

“Is this stone blue? Various colors of blue?”

“Yeah…? How did…?”

“I have it.”

“What?”

I sucked in a breath. “Kieron gave it to me. For Christmas. He gave me this rock, right, and it’s blue, and he said it was a rare mineral and that it’s a _guardian stone_.”

Ashere’s eyes widened. “Where is it?”

“At the apartment,” I said breathlessly, feeling better than I had in days.

Now I just felt breathless with eager anticipation.

Go to the apartment, get the stone, get the presence out of Kieron, and wake Kieron.

_Yes, please._

 


	34. Between Hope and Despair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An attack leaves the gang wounded, the future uncertain.

Chapter Thirty-Four: Between Hope and Despair

 

Traveling back to the apartment took entirely too long, in my honest opinion. We spent an entire day traveling, and then stayed the night somewhere before we decided we’d leave first thing in the morning. Was I supposed to be expected to sleep? If so, they were wrong. We were too close to fixing this, to getting that presence out of Kieron for me to sleep now. So we stopped there, and waited, and I lay awake in my own room, envisioning what tomorrow might hold. What I wanted it to hold.

If everything went okay, I’d get Kieron back tomorrow. I wouldn’t be alone anymore; my mind wouldn’t be so empty and silent. My thoughts wouldn’t be my own, they would be mixed with his like they were _supposed to be_. It would finally be over, and everything would be perfectly fucking _okay_ , and-

 _I can’t fucking wait, please, just_ -

I closed my eyes, dragging in a shaky breath.

I still had all of tonight to worry about first, and then the journey back to the apartment and snagging the varrite. Now that I thought about it, though, I realized I wasn’t entirely sure where that particular gift was. I kept it; of course I did, it was a gift from Kieron and I would always keep what he gave me. Some distant part of me wondered if he had known what that rock meant when he gave it to me, if he knew how important it could be. If so, he didn’t let it show. All he did was give it to me and explain some thought of it as a guardian stone, if one was into that sort of thing.

_Yes, I’m into it. So, so much, if it helps you._

Tomorrow I could have him back.

It was all I could think about, consuming every little thought. Tomorrow, he could be back, and be _mine_ , and I wouldn’t be _alone_ anymore…

I knew it probably wouldn’t be as simple as that, considering Alona would have to reverse what she did and everything, and that could take a bit of time, but even so I prayed for a quick recovery. I prayed for it all to be over tomorrow, because if this continued…

The only thing keeping me going was the fact it was temporary, and that I would get him back eventually. That the bond wasn’t severed, just sealed, and deep down inside of himself, he was okay. Now, the only thing keeping me going was how close we were to fixing this. If that was ripped away… if… if something went wrong…

_No, stop thinking about that._

Kieron wasn’t here to stop me. I had to stop myself from having such negative thoughts.

I drew in a shaky breath, opening my eyes to look up at the ceiling, illuminated by the glow coming from outside. The moon was large in Ethereal; or maybe it just seemed that way. It always looked so far away on Earth, but here, it seemed so close, and bright. It was only the thick cover of the trees that kept the darkness near the ground, which troubled me when I first started traveling through here with Kieron. I tripped over every little thing because I couldn’t see, but I eventually got used to it, and right now the moon was bright, and we were actually out of the trees for once.

So close to a gateway, too; only an hour away. I wanted to keep going, but Ashere said Bekkah could smell screamers near the portal, so we stayed back for the night. Currently Bekkah was keeping watch, and would trade off with Ashere sometime during the night. Once upon a time, that would have been Kieron’s job. Bekkah, being of the lower third of the pyramid, would have traded off with Kieron instead of Ashere. It was a little funny that Ashere was forced to do the lower third’s work now.

Searching… Searching…

 _Soon,_ I told myself with a smile. How long had it been since I really smiled? It felt so foreign. _Soon, you won’t have to search anymore. It’ll be okay._

With that, I rolled over with a wide yawn.

Depression and apathy was exhausting, but the hope was keeping me awake. I knew if I just slept, the time would go faster; if I just stayed awake, the more I would want to slip away and head back home with _Perez_. Anything to make it happen sooner, to get him back. Back to me, back in my mind, back in his body, back next to me… just back.

I kept pushing the urge down, though, because it was silly and stupid and if Kieron were aware right now, he’d smack me for it.

I sighed heavily.

Searching… Searching…

_Enough of that, okay? Please? Tomorrow. Find him tomorrow._

I looked across the room toward the single window. A shiver inched through my spine though I wasn’t sure why. It was quiet; nothing to worry about. But was it too quiet? I strained my ears, struggling to listen past the silence. Before, I could vaguely hear Bekkah outside on the porch. The cabin was old and creaked a little whenever she passed by the main doorway. I realized I hadn’t heard her pass by it in a bit.

Swallowing, I kept my gaze focused on the window, and the light offered by the moon. Everything was fine.

She was probably switching with Ashere. There were no clocks around, but I assumed it was about that time. Then again it felt like hours had passed by for me; an eternity, actually. An eternity of waiting for sunrise so we could continue back toward the apartment and get the varrite, and get Kieron back. That was all that mattered.

A shadow passed by the window.

I stiffened, closing my eyes.

_No. Everything’s fine. Stop it._

We were so close; everything _had_ to be fine.

The window shattered, a snarl echoing through the air, and my eyes opened to find a screamer standing there in front of me, eyes instantly focusing on me. I swallowed thickly and sat up, throwing myself over the other side of the bed, racing toward the door. A second later, just as my fingers brushed the doorknob, a clawed hand closed around my wrist and yanked me away from it.

“No,” I hissed, clawing for freedom. “Let go! Bekkah! Ashere! Kie-”

A hand closed around my mouth, clawed fingers scratching my cheeks. My back was forced against the rough outline of the screamer’s body, an arm thrown around my neck as I was dragged backward with the screamer, my air close to be cutting off. I clawed at the hand on my mouth, struggling to speak and call for the others, but it was like fighting an iron vise.

I kicked and struggled but it did little because this screamer would always be stronger than me.

_Kieron! Kieron, please, I need help! Don’t – Kieron!_

But of course my mind was my own, and my pathetic cries for help weren’t heard.

The door did swing open, though, revealing a snarling Bekkah. Behind her stood Alona, also snarling, though not as animalistic in nature, like Bekkah. Bekkah wasn’t animalistic, but was of the lower third, and they tended to be more… primal. Vicious. It was why they were the fighters. Alona was not.

The girls entered the room, and the arm around my neck tightened, cutting off my air.

With the hand over my mouth, struggling to breathe was a lost cause anyway. Nevertheless I clawed at the arm around my neck.

_C’mon – kick in, dammit! Kieron’s not in danger, but you gotta kick in! Come on, I’m tired of – can’t breathe – pathetic – can’t breathe – **Kieron** …_

As my vision started to go dark, with Bekkah and Alona circling the screamer that kept me as a shield, I saw movement in the doorway behind the two girls. I tried to call out to them, but there was no possible way I could with the hand covering my mouth, and no air in my lungs.

I tried anyway.

_Behind you! Can’t breathe, can’t breathe, can’t – behind – Kieron – behind – can’t breathe –_

Something hit the screamer from behind, and I was sent staggering forward, releasing from my prison. I coughed and hit my knees, unable to hold myself up so suddenly, feeling weak with breathless fatigue as I sucked air into my starving lungs. My eyes watered as I looked up, coughing again, and watched Bekkah lunge at the screamer who had me hostage, while Alona spun toward the new screamer in the doorway, finally aware it was there.

A second later there was a pained snarl and blood spurted into the air, red in color. Steam rose into the air and if I had the air, I’d scream. Scream, because _no_.

I watched Alona fall to her knees.

Watched her fall motionless on the ground.

Watched steam fill the air.

Watched…

Kieron appeared in the doorway behind the screamer. He didn’t look animalistic or vicious at all; he looked normal. Flat. _Perez_. Dark blue eyes caught my own over the screamer’s shoulder. My breath caught in my throat for entirely different reasons.

 _No. No, don’t_ -

Perez’s hands grabbed the screamer’s arms and spun the creature around. He was strong, but not as strong as Kieron. It was then I realized he didn’t have Kieron’s strength, or animalistic nature. He wasn’t a fighter; he was merely a presence trapped in a body he didn’t understand, and he had no idea what fighting even _was_.

And the screamer had a golden blade.

A long one; longer than a dagger, but shorter than a sword.

My mind flashed back to so long ago.

The scar on Kieron’s chest and back.

The steam which had flown through the air.

The blood on my perpetual’s lips.

_No. No, no, no._

“Don’t touch him!” I shouted as I staggered back to my feet, hurrying toward the screamer and Perez, ignoring the steam already in the air.

The screamer raised an arm, shoving Perez away. Not-Kieron staggered back, blinking at the screamer. Unaware of how to fight. How to utilize Kieron’s body, his talents. And that would only get him – _them_ – killed. Get _Kieron_ killed.

_No. No, I won’t let you die._

Whatever power I had before, though, it was gone now. Gone with Kieron, because it was connected to Kieron. Was only _for_ Kieron. And now…

Nevertheless I caught hold of the screamer’s arm as it raised it, intending to slash at my perpetual. I gave the arm a sharp tug, causing the screamer to snarl and stop, instead spinning to look at me. Something caught me across the front and sent me spiraling sideways, into the wall. I gasped, choking on air lodged in my throat as I slid to the ground, breathless.

I looked down my chest and stomach, but thankfully there was no blood. I was just very bruised, and I was certain there was a cracked rib or something because moving hurt like hell, but I did so anyway. I used the wall as support and made it back to my feet just as the screamer spun back toward Perez.

“No!” I hissed. “Don’t fucking touch him!”

I was too far away, I realized belatedly, as I staggered forward through the pain. Too far away to stop the slash from happening, and Not-Kieron didn’t know how to fight, how to dodge.

 _No. No, please, no, no_ -

A hand grabbed Perez by the shoulder and yanked him backward, away from the incoming swipe. I could breathe again, if only momentarily.

I was aware of sounds of battle, of the steam still lingering in the air, but I couldn’t think about it right now. All I could focus on was Perez in front of me, and the screamer between us.

Dettere appeared behind Perez, having pulled him from danger. He gave Not-Kieron a shove, away from the battle. “Leave,” he said over the sounds of battle. “You don’t know how to fight.”

“But-” Perez tried.

Actually tried to argue.

“Now!” Dettere snapped.

And Perez did so, immediately.

_He’s safe. He’s not in the fight. He’s safe._

Relief ebbed through me, overshadowed only by the pain of my cracked ribs. I sucked in a shaky breath as the screamer rounded on Dettere, and finally my gaze slid down toward the sight I’d been trying to ignore.

Alona lay on the floor in a steaming pool of thick red blood. Her eyes fluttered open briefly before falling shut again, her breaths these shaky, ragged things. Her fingers curled against the plain wood of the floor, scratching faintly. There seemed to be a deep wound in her left side, spilling blood onto the floor, but she was still alive. For now.

For a moment I stared down at her.

Then I crashed to my knees next to her as the sounds of battle continued on around me. Two screamers, and three perpetuals. Three, because one was currently bleeding out and the other didn’t know how to fight.

“Hey,” I whispered, grabbed her hand as her fingers attempted to claw at the ground again. Her eyelids fluttered open just enough that dark orbs could focus on me, although I wasn’t sure if she could really see me right now. “Hey, you’re gonna be fine, okay? You’ll heal, it’ll be okay.”

A weak smile flitted across her face, dying away almost instantly as she coughed, and red specks dotted her lips. I swallowed thickly, attempting to shove away thoughts of Kieron in the same predicament. Thoughts of Kieron with blood dotting his lips, with blood stuck in his throat, with a small sword-like blade rammed through him…

_No, stop it, it’ll be okay._

It had to be okay.

_If she dies I’ll never get Kieron back._

It was a horrid thought, and pathetic. Alona was my friend, to some degree; I cared about her well-being, I really did. If I was in my right mindset, I’d be very grateful to her and would always want to help her and make sure she was okay. Right now, though, I wasn’t in my right mindset and everything I did had ulterior motives.

_Save Alona, save Kieron._

And that was all there was to it.

I tore my shirt off of me and pressed it against her side. Her eyelids fluttered briefly before falling shut, her head lolling to the side, but she was still breathing. Still breathing, still losing blood. I looked around for ore that I could use and spotted the pillow on the bed. That could help, a little, if I could tie it to her side and keep enough pressure on it. Getting to it would be the problem though.

Inhaling slowly, my eyes narrowed in determination. I tied my shirt around the wound as best as I could but it was very loose and wouldn’t hold. I needed to hurry. Ignoring the battle around me, I hunkered down and army crawled across the room, back toward the bed. Once there I snagged the pillow and made my way back to Alona’s motionless, bloody form.

A clawed hand caught my leg, the clawed fingers entering my ankle. I gasped as I was yanked backward sharply, toward my attacker. My fingers scrambled for purchase on the ground as I dropped the pillow, kicking at the my attacker. My other ankle was caught and I soon found myself hanging upside down, by my ankles. Dizziness slammed into me, along with a fresh wave of pain as my ribs protested. I found the upside down, angry face of a screamer waiting for me.

“Not so tough without your little perpetual, are you?” asked the screamer in that hissing tone of theirs.

I shrugged, which was awkward given my position, and closed my eyes, refusing to glance at them.

_Where are you guys? Where…?_

I could hear fighting, but only one fight, and there was a screamer here with me.

Steam, thick in the air.

 _No, no, no_ -

“The Master has been patient long enough.”

“Fuck him,” I spat distastefully.

The hand tightened around my ankle. I bit down on a whine as bruised skin gave way to cracked bone, pain igniting through my ankle, into my foot and leg. Only one of the ankles, though, so that was good, I told myself.

What was it Kieron said in his memories?

_Pain is just a state of mind. Pain is just a state of mind._

Something sharp rammed into the screamer. My eyes were partially open at the time, leaving me with a decent view of the spray of discolored blood which spurted from its mouth. As the screamer snarled around the blood and dropped me, considering me not a threat, it spun to face its attacker as I hit the ground with a harsh thud.

I moved so I was laying on my stomach instead of awkwardly on my side, and glanced at the attacker.

_Kieron, no, what are you doing?_

Perez stood there in the opening of the room with a golden blade in his hand, dropped by one of the screamers, it seemed. He blinked down at the blade covered in discolored blood, as though unaware of what he had just done. The screamer stepped toward him angrily, and Perez took a slow step back, frowning, uncomprehending.

I scrambled for purchase on the ground, looking for decent footing despite the pain in my left ankle.

_No, no, no, get away from him, get-_

Movement behind Not-Kieron. A shadow.

Perez turned at the sound of light footsteps.

I lunged at the screamer now at his back.

Before I could make it to it, though, Ashere had already barreled into it, snarling viciously. It was the most dangerous I’d ever seen him. His teeth bit into the flesh of the screamer’s neck despite the fact his fangs weren’t really _fangs_ like they were with Kieron. Nevertheless they did the trick, discolored blood spurting from the wound as he ripped flesh away.

My gaze went back to Kieron. _Perez_.

He was nowhere to be seen, and neither was the third screamer which had appeared yet again in the doorway.

_Kieron…?_

I hobbled toward the door, ducking past Ashere and the other screamer, wondering only in the back of my mind where the first screamer went, and why I couldn’t hear much fighting… why the steam was so thick in the air…

Once out of the room I found Kieron.

Stared at the motionless figure.

Stared at the steam.

Stared at the screamer on the ground as well.

Stared at Dettere, hovering over the screamer and Kieron with a golden blade in his hand.

He turned to face me, then, covered in red and discolored blood.

I swallowed thickly.

He sighed. “I might have been a little late…”

My gaze skittered back to Kieron. Staggered toward him. “K-Kie…?”

Dark blue eyes blinked open. Perez looked back at me. “Is this pain?” he murmured. “It is… uncomfortable.”

Dettere sighed. “Well, at least he can still talk.”

He dropped the golden blade and offered a hand out to Perez.

Now that I was closer, I could see that the cut along Perez’s arm wasn’t too deep, though it was leaving steam heavy in the air since it was a long cut. He would live. He was okay. Kieron was okay.

Perez’s hand closed around Dettere’s and he was hauled to his feet.

The sounds of battle trailed off in the other room. I only became aware when I noticed the silence, where before I could hear snarls. Dettere and I shared a look before he led the way back toward the bedroom, with me hobbling after him and Perez behind me.

The steam truly was thick in this room.

Dettere nodded that it was screamer-free, at least.

I entered the room and stared.

I knew Alona was hurt, badly, as I’d been trying to help her before the screamer interrupted me, and then I got distracted with Perez. Now she lay motionless on the floor surrounded in steam. Next to her, just a little ways away, lay Bekkah in a pool of steamy red blood. Above her hovered Ashere.

I swallowed thickly. These were my friends, and they were…

There were no screamers to be seen; I assumed they’d fled, as they would do if they thought they were going to lose consciousness, as according to Kieron, they absolutely hated losing consciousness. But I didn’t care about them at the moment, as I hobbled further into the room, toward the two downed girls.

“Are they…?” I choked.

“Still alive,” Dettere said. “We did not feel anything snap.”

I nodded weakly. Bekkah and Alona were still alive, but it wasn’t looking good. “Ashere?” I whispered.

He flinched, but didn’t look up, didn’t look away from Bekkah as he pressed his hands against her wounds. As I looked back at Alona, I could see that he had finished what I tried to do; Alona was bandaged with items from the room, but Bekkah had more than one wound that was visible at the moment. Two clean slices across her side and stomach, each losing an equal amount of blood.

I stopped next to him, going to my knees. “How can I help?”

“You can’t,” Ashere mumbled in this odd sort of voice. “How’s Kieron?”

“He’s okay,” I said softly.

The silver-haired perpetual nodded tightly.

“How’s…?”

“Not good,” he said roughly.

I swallowed thickly. “Alona?”

“Same,” he said in that same tone.

My eyes fell closed.

_If Alona dies… then Kieron… I can’t…_

But if _Bekkah_ died… my friend…

“I will do what I can,” Dettere said. “I am no healer, though. It has never been my strong point.”

“Do what you can,” Ashere said tightly.

Dettere nodded and knelt next to Alona.

xXx

I paced for who knew how long. It wasn’t safe here, but I wasn’t good at keeping watch because of my human senses and everything. The screamers could come back, and with reinforcements. We needed to move as soon as possible, but the girls weren’t ready to be moved.

Hours had passed, though who knew how many. All I knew was the last I heard, Bekkah was stabilizing. She had more wounds, but they weren’t as deep. Alona’s punctured her lung, which, last I heard, was causing a few hiccups but Dettere was hopeful. Hopefully they’d both be okay, because losing either of them right now…

My friends…

I scrubbed a hand across my face, coming to a stop in my pacing in the living room. Perez sat on the couch, watching me. I tried to ignore the feel of those familiar eyes on me.

In the end I caved, though, because…

Searching… Searching…

“I am sure they will be okay,” Perez offered uncertainly.

“You don’t know that.”

“I know it is what you want.”

I eyed him warily.

“What do you care?”

“Caring is new for me,” Perez said with a small frown. It looked awkward on Kieron’s face. “I am… unused to it. I do not like it. Being a presence in a cave was much simpler.”

I sighed, dragging a hand over my face again. I knew this was hard for the presence, but really all I could think about was the fact it was in Kieron’s body, and nearly destroyed my perpetual. It overshadowed everything else. Any pity I might have felt.

Looking at him and not seeing _Kieron_ …

Searching… Searching…

“How’s your arm?” I asked, wincing every time I saw it.

He hadn’t bothered to bandage it, and while it was healing, it was slow going, like Kieron’s abilities weren’t really there. Except they were there, because it _was_ healing, just a lot slower than normal. I hadn’t thought that would change. I hadn’t thought Kieron’s healing abilities, and fighting abilities, would be lost just because his mind wasn’t present. Perez didn’t know how to fight. He could die easily.

_Kieron could…_

Searching… Searching…

I released a slow breath.

Perez hesitated, which was unlike him. “It stings,” he finally said. “It is an odd sensation, which we have not quite felt before. We remember the feeling from Kieron’s memories, when he was present, though. Pain is foreign, but not to him.”

I winced, because that was all too true. Kieron was used to pain, which was crazy.

I hated that he was used to it. That he thought he had to be used to it. That everyone thought he needed to be used to it.

Hated it so much.

“You should let me bandage that,” I said weakly, reaching for his arm.

He allowed the contact.

Somehow, I wasn’t expecting that.

As my fingers connected with his skin for the first time since the bond was sealed, there was a rush of _something_ through my system. A flash of something in the darkness. My mind pummeled against the brick wall separating us, desperate to get through. My breath lodged in my throat as I swallowed back the sudden onslaught of tears burning at my eyes.

Searching… Searching…

Searching… _Searching_ …

_Please, no more searching. Please, please, please._

_Kieron, please… let me in… let me in…_

_Open…_

_Searching…_

I released Perez’s arm. Kieron’s arm. His and yet not his. Staggered away from him, bile thick in my throat. Swallowed it down painfully. Dizzy. Head spinning. Thoughts racing, forever searching, pummeling the brick wall reinforced with steel. Couldn’t get through, wouldn’t get through.

 _I can’t I can’t I can’t_ -

“Terrence?”

The sound I released was more sob than sigh. I swiped a hand across my eyes, blinking back tears. “I’m fine,” I said roughly. “I’m fine. And stop calling me Terrence.”

What was with people calling me that? Dad, now Perez…

“What would you have me call you?”

“Terry.”

“Okay, Terry.”

I winced, eyes falling shut. Too much like Kieron. So like him and yet not like him at all.

 _I can’t I can’t I can’t_ -

Searching… Searching…

“What’s wrong with you?” came a new voice, and I glanced up to find Ashere standing in the entrance of the room, frowning at me.

“Nothing,” I whispered. “How’s Bekkah? Alona?”

“Stable for now,” he said. “However, they won’t be conscious for at least a day.”

I sighed. I wasn’t sure I could last a day. Another day without Kieron. Another day beating against this wall. Another day of searching for him with no success.

And we were so close… so close to the varrite… so close to getting him back…

Torturing me.

This was torture.

“So they’ll live?” I asked.

“Hopefully, barring complications,” he said.

He sounded exhausted. I knew this wasn’t easy for him. They were his friends, and he’d already lost his bond-mate, and Kieron was unreachable right now. If I wasn’t so apathetic to everything save Kieron, I would feel pity for him. I would try to comfort him, because he was my friend. But instead… I just felt…

Searching… Searching…

“We’re heading back to your apartment tonight, though.”

“We… We are?” I whispered, not daring to hope.

“We’re not using the varrite tonight,” he told me with a small frown, causing my pulse to jump in dismay, my heart dropping into my stomach. “That will have to wait until Alona is better. But it’s not safe to stay here.”

I knew that, though.

I nodded. “Okay,” I said softly. At least we’d be back at the apartment. Back home. And so close to getting him back…

So close…

Searching… Searching…

_Please…_

xXx

It took far longer than I liked to reach my apartment. We kept having to stop because Bekkah and Alona were barely stable, and jostling them too much left their wounds reopening. They were entirely too pale and I knew they really shouldn’t be moved, but staying at the cabin wasn’t an option, not with the screamers aware of our location. Dettere and Ashere carried the girls while _Perez_ and I trailed awkwardly behind them.

My gaze slid toward Not-Kieron entirely too often. Every time I saw him, a pang of _something_ stabbed at my heart. He was so perfect, but so wrong. Kieron, but not Kieron. Mine, but not mine. Right in front of me, but so far away. Unreachable.

Searching… Searching…

Driving me crazy.

Forever alone. Forever searching.

Always a brick wall. Forever slamming into it.

Slowly losing my mind.

Finally, we did reach my apartment, though.

Home sweet home, except so empty, without Kieron. Forever alone in a crowd. Always so empty, inside and out. Mentally and physically. In my mind and around me.

The familiarity of the apartment just left it that much more foreign, it seemed.

We put Alona and Bekkah in my room, in my bed. Then everyone regrouped in my living room, while I hovered around the couch, pacing back and forth, attempting not to look at Perez. Kieron. Not-Kieron. _Fuck_.

“What now?” I all but babbled. “I mean, we’re here now, and, fuck, the varrite. We can use that now, right?”

Ashere sighed. “You know we can’t without Alona. It won’t bring Kieron back, without her.”

I swallowed thickly, because deep down I knew that, but somewhere between my heart and my head it became disconnected. “Then what do we do?”

“We wait,” Dettere replied.

“I can’t do that,” I said, shaking my head. “I feel… nervous. Fidgety. I can’t wait anymore, okay?”

We were so close, and yet so fucking far, and I couldn’t fucking stand it anymore. Here but not here. Right in front of me but a million miles away. Untouchable.

“Just a little longer, Terry,” Ashere assured me, like I was some fragile thing in need of soft words. He wasn’t entirely wrong, I realized before I could really get angry with him. “We need them to heal first, then we can transfer Perez into the varrite. How big is it, anyway?”

I frowned, trying to remember. “Not too big,” I replied. “Why? Does that matter?”

“Show me,” Ashere replied.

I nodded, and entered my bedroom. As I dug through the closet I became increasingly aware of the desperation clogging my throat and the tears threatening to burn my eyes yet again. I refused to let them fall, though, because it was silly. We were so close, so close to getting Kieron back, and I was so tired of being upset. So tired of crying. It never helped anyone or did anything.

Finally my fingers scraped across the smooth surface of the rock. I pulled it from behind some folded clothes on top of the shelf in my closet, and smiled as the various colors of blue seemed to glow back at me in anticipation. Like announcing that it was there, and it was so close. We were so close. So close to getting him back.

The stone wasn’t too large; it fit in both of my hands and wasn’t too heavy. About the size of a human head, but a little smaller. Not as heavy. For a rock it wasn’t very heavy. I wondered if it was part of the ‘Guardian Stone’ thing. It didn’t matter.

I hurried from the room, holding the rock to my chest the entire way before I held it up to show Ashere.

Ashere looked at Perez. “Is that big enough for that colossal mind of yours?”

Perez frowned at it momentarily. “It will be tight, but I suppose it will do.”

“It better do,” I muttered under my breath, then winced when everyone looked at me. “Um… sorry.”

“I understand this is hard for you, there is no need to apologize,” Perez said, eying the rock. “When can I move in?”

He seemed to hate having a body. Hated having to use the bathroom and eat and everything.

_Good, get out of Kieron._

“Soon,” Dettere replied. “For the time being, it has been a long night, and a long day. We should rest. Are you good with the couch, Terry?”

“Yes,” I said. “Where are you sleeping?”

“We shall go next door,” Dettere said.

I nodded. “Okay.”

“I’ll stay here,” Ashere replied.

I scowled at him.

He held his hands up, placating. “Someone needs to keep an eye on the girls, and sorry, Terry, but a healer you’re not.”

I nodded. He was right.

“I shall go next door,” Perez said, and again I nodded.

The further from him I was right now, the better.

Searching… Searching…

_Please, no more…_

Perez and Dettere left the apartment, then, and Ashere slipped into my bedroom to keep an eye on the girls.

I wasn’t aware of how exhausted I was until I curled up on the couch, attempting to push all thoughts of Kieron from my mind.

_Please don’t let me dream._

My eyes slid shut, and consciousness gave way to sleep.

 


	35. Varrite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perez finds a new home, and Ashere and Terry have a talk.

Chapter Thirty-Five: Varrite

 

It seemed to take forever for the girls to remain stable, and start to awaken. Two whole days passed with me just basically pacing all over my apartment, too amped to sleep, too nervous to just sit down. Thus I paced for days, until Ashere finally kicked me out of my own bedroom. It was pathetic, having to knock on my bedroom door for permission to use the bathroom. In the end, on the second day, he kicked me completely out of my apartment and I went next door, having to face Not-Kieron.

Perez had claimed the couch next door, and Dettere seemed to never sleep, so at least I got the bedroom. It was little comfort, though. Little comfort because I had been _kicked out of my own apartment by Ashere of all people_ , and I was stuck here with Not-Kieron. Perfect and yet so wrong. I made sure not to touch him, remembering the last time that happened all too well. A shiver inched up my spine just thinking about it.

So I spent the third day at the apartment next door, with _Perez_ and Dettere. Finally, Ashere called us over because the girls were starting to awaken. Bekkah looked like hell as she blinked her eyes open with a groan, wincing at every little movement. It seemed to take forever for these wounds to heal, but that was what happened when one was hit with a golden blade. Perez’s arm had finally healed, leaving behind a thin scar which would soon disappear, too. The only scars Kieron kept were the ones on his chest and back, from that one injury…

“How do you feel?” I asked Bekkah, hovering nervously in the doorway.

She threw a tired smile my way, and I relaxed a little. “Been better,” she said. “Did we lose anyone?”

I shook my head.

“You gave it your best shot, though,” Ashere scolded her, hovering over her on her side of the bed – which was, incidentally, Kieron’s old side of the bed. ‘Old’ because he hadn’t used it in weeks, and also because he hadn’t really been ‘Kieron’ for even longer…

But thinking about that just left me itching to get him back, and my gaze wandered toward Alona, who was awakening as well, squinting up at the ceiling in confusion.

“Hey, Alona,” I said weakly, swallowing thickly. “How are you?”

“Getting there,” she replied. “Damn, that stings.”

“Welcome to the battle,” Bekkah yawned. “Getting stabbed stings.”

“Especially with a golden blade,” I added helpfully, remembering the steam.

“Yes, that,” Bekkah agreed with a small nod as she pushed herself into a sitting position.

Ashere was quick to push her back down, scowling at her even as she rolled her eyes.

“Fighting class, remember?” she said, looking up at him with a bright smile. “I’m fine, Ash.”

Ashere’s scowl deepened but he removed his hand, allowing her to sit up. She winced as she did so, but then flashed him another wide smile defiantly.

“So what’d I miss?” she asked.

“Just us traveling here,” Ashere replied.

“So everyone’s okay?” Alona asked, sitting up as well.

“Yes, everyone is well,” Dettere replied from next to me in the doorway.

I flinched because I’d momentarily forgotten about him, and Not-Kieron behind him, hovering over my shoulder. So close I could feel his breath on the back of my neck. Too painful. I stepped away.

“That’s good,” Alona said. “Where are we? Terry’s?”

“Yes,” _Perez_ answered.

“Oh. I see. Where’s the varrite?”

I exhaled, unaware I’d been holding my breath, waiting for that very question. Quickly, I snatched it up from where I’d placed it on a bedside table, and brought it to her. She lifted her hands and took it from me, inspecting it, looking this way and that. Finally she nodded, satisfied, and glanced up at the rest of us.

“This should work,” she said with a smile.

My whole body trembled as I released yet another breath I’d been holding, feeling too shaky to speak at the moment. Shaky and giddy. Anxious, nervous, but also so very happy. Excited. Thrilled. Overjoyed. Too many other adjectives. Too many to describe. Just a million different emotions leaving me a trembling mess as my gaze slid back toward Kieron. Not-Kieron. _Perez_.

Perez eyed the thing warily.

“You said it would be okay,” I pointed out breathily.

“It should be adequate, it is just small,” he replied.

“Sorry,” I muttered, though I didn’t really feel sorry. Perhaps after Kieron was back, my sense of pity would return, and sympathy, but for right now I just didn’t care. Didn’t care about _Perez_ and his future living arrangements, so long as it wasn’t in Kieron.

Perez eyed me momentarily. Too blue, too familiar, too wrong. Too Not-Kieron. I looked away, back toward the bed where Alona sat holding the stone. She watched the two of us for a moment, expression pensive, before she sighed and gestured for someone to come toward her.

“Help me up,” she said. “I’ll do it in the living room where it’s less crowded.”

I surged forward and grabbed her arm, all but yanking her to her feet. She groaned and I stopped, letting her sit on the edge of the bed for a moment, her head bowed. Guilt flooded through me. She was hurt; I couldn’t be yanking her around, no matter how eager I was. If I was in my right mindset, I’d know that. I’d understand that. But right now I _wasn’t_ in my right mindset, and all I really cared about was the fact we were so close to getting Kieron back. My mind could comprehend nothing else.

She finally got to her feet, leaning against me. I helped her out of the room, everyone stepping aside to allow us an easy exit. Ashere looked torn when I caught his eyes; he looked from Perez to Bekkah and back again, chewing on his lower lip. Finally Bekkah shoved him away, and he followed us out of the bedroom.

Dettere stayed behind with Bekkah. Alona looked over her shoulder at Ashere.

“You don’t have to come,” she said. “Stay with your friend if you want.”

“Kieron’s my best friend,” Ashere stated simply, and left it at that.

I exhaled slowly, and eased Alona down onto the couch.

“I’m not ready to awaken him yet,” Alona said somewhat apologetically, and I almost dropped her. She slid onto the cushions with a frown, looking away from Ashere to instead glance at me. “I’m sorry. I thought you knew. I can transfer Perez into the stone, but that’s going to be a bit draining, and I’m already sore and tired.”

 _Power through the pain_ , I wanted to say, but at the last second I managed to snap my mouth shut against the words.

My expression must have said it all, though, because Alona sighed and offered an apologetic smile.

“I’m sorry,” she said again. “We’ll try it tomorrow, once I’ve rested a bit more.”

“So what happens after Perez is out of him?” Ashere asked.

“I shall occupy the rock,” Perez replied.

“I meant to Kieron,” Ashere corrected. “I mean – is he just gonna sleep?”

“A bit deeper than that,” Alona said with a shrug, “but yes, essentially, he will sleep until we awaken him. I will need to dig through his mind and find him.”

_“Come find me.”_

I swallowed thickly. “What do you mean, find him?”

“I locked him away, but I did not pick the location,” she told me. “Don’t worry; I can’t imagine finding him would take more than an hour.”

_“Come find me.”_

Searching… Searching…

I closed my eyes and inhaled slowly, releasing it as a shaky breath. “Alright,” I murmured softly. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

Well, that was good, at least.

“Are you ready, Perez? This might be a bit of a change for you,” Alona said.

“I am ready,” Perez replied.

This was good, I told myself. I wouldn’t have to look at too-familiar eyes and hear that too-familiar voice with that cadence of _wrong_ to it… Kieron would be basically in a deep sleep, until Alona was ready to retrieve him. One more day. I could do this. I had to do this. Just one more day, and Kieron would be back and everything would be perfectly okay.

I breathed in. Out. Repeated the process.

_One more day. I can’t do this. I have to do this. I can do this. One more day._

“How does this work?” Ashere asked.

“I’ll have to use this.”

And she pulled out a small golden blade. I stared, heart stuttering in my chest even as Ashere took a small step away from the rest of us. Perez just stood in front of the couch as though unaware of the danger. I fought the urge to grab his arm and instead stepped between Alona and Perez.

“What the fuck?” I snapped. “Why do you have that?”

“Calm down,” she said, rolling her eyes. “I’m not going to hurt him. Much.”

“ _Much_?” I repeated, glaring at her. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean? You’re not touching him with that.”

“Your concern is touching,” Perez said. “But I will be fine.”

_It’s not you I’m worried about, stupid. It’s Kieron._

But that seemed rude, so I kept it to myself. Progress and all that.

“I have to do this if you want the presence out of Kieron,” Alona said simply, as though I were a small child who just couldn’t understand. I blinked at her, feeling two inches tall as I stood there between the knife and Kieron. Not-Kieron. _Perez_. “Or he can stay this way forever; what do you choose?”

“Terry, let her do it,” Ashere said.

I hesitated. Not because I didn’t want Kieron back because that couldn’t be further from the truth, but because I thought I knew where she was going with this. “It’s the scar, right?” I finally whispered. “You’re gonna… You’re gonna open the wound?”

She nodded, and a lump lodged in my throat. “Something like that,” she said. “I have to open the scar tissue so the path is open for Perez to leave. And then I’m going to guide him to the varrite.”

I looked over my shoulder at Not-Kieron.

So perfect, but so wrong.

“Is this the only way?” I whispered, looking back at Alona because looking at _Perez_ too long was painful.

“It’s the easiest way, and the fastest,” Alona replied. “How soon do you want him back?”

_Tomorrow. Today. Right now. Right the fuck now._

I swallowed thickly, glancing briefly at Ashere, who nodded at me.

I sighed and looked back at Alona. “Alright,” I said softly. “Then… Then do it.”

She nodded and patted the spot next to her. “Come here, Perez. And take off your shirt.”

Perez lost his shirt on the way to the couch. I stared at the too-familiar chest and back, so perfect but so wrong because it wasn’t Kieron. Not really. Nevertheless I hovered next to him, fighting the urge to touch him. To hold him and never let go.

 _Soon,_ I told myself. _Soon, this will be over and he’ll be back, and everything will be okay. Soon._

Alona twisted along the cushions so she was now facing Kieron, her right foot flat on the ground with her left leg bent at the knee, half sitting on it. She gripped the knife tightly and looked him over briefly. A snarl lodged in my throat though I wasn’t sure why; this wasn’t Kieron, but it was his body… but Alona was only trying to help…

And she was going to hurt him.

_I don’t wanna watch this…_

But I couldn’t bring myself to look away. I was locked in this odd sort of position with my feet refusing to move and my eyes refusing to blink. I couldn’t move or look away, but then a part of me wouldn’t have run anyway.

Not a word was spoken as Alona raised the blade until the tip settled over the smaller scar on the right side of Kieron’s chest. It was thin, but still visible. Would never really go away, we didn’t think. Would always remain there, a constant reminder of how close we came to… how close he came, how close I came…

Searching… Searching…

The tip edged into the skin. As steam spilled from the newly drawn blood, Perez’s eyebrows furrowed. He wasn’t used to pain; Kieron wouldn’t even have noticed this, I doubted. He was used to it, though I hated it so much. Hated that he was used to it, hated that everyone, including him, thought he had to be used to it. Now I stood watching a small trickle of blood slip down Kieron’s chest. Not-Kieron. _Perez_. Down his chest, steam rising in a thin trail. She drove the tip in deeper until it was clearly covered by skin on all sides, slowly pushing it in further. More blood spilled free, along with more steam. Perez shifted uncomfortably on the couch, brows furrowed further.

Once Alona had the tip in as much as she wanted, she slid the blade along the length of the scar, opening it all the way. More blood, more steam, and Perez closed his eyes. Kieron’s eyes.

“Alright,” Alona said softly. “Turn so I can see your back.”

“Pain is…” Perez started.

“It won’t last,” she promised.

Not-Kieron nodded, and turned so that she could have access to his back. I stood frozen to the spot, watching, not even daring to breathe.

The scar on his back was, of course, larger than the one on the front since that was where the blade originally went in, so long ago. Memories of it flashed through my mind, leaving me biting down hard on my lower lip to keep from saying anything. Whatever I said probably wouldn’t have been coherent anyway, not with the lump forever lodged in my throat and the knives in my saliva.

Alona brought the tip of the red-stained blade to the scar on his back, and slowly dug it in as she had done with the front. More steam rose into the air, leaving me blinking rapidly as it burned my eyes a little. Or maybe it was because it felt like I couldn’t breathe, not with the blood slipping free and the golden blade so close to him… hurting him… Perez’s contorted expression was getting to me.

Like before, the blade found a certain depth and then slid across the length of the scar, freeing more blood and steam. A strange grunting sound emerged from Not-Kieron’s lips, and I swallowed back the growl lodged against the lump in my throat. Wasn’t Kieron, I told myself. Not really. And without Kieron, there was no way I could summon my actual power and stop her from hurting him. This was just the aggressive part of me reacting to seeing pain on his face and hearing the pain in his voice. Nothing I could do about it, I told myself.

And then a sigh emerged from his lips, and I frowned. I’d never quite heard that particular sound before – that particular sigh. Steam emerged from his mouth as he exhaled, and my eyes widened, my pulse jumping with alarm. The glue which previously held my feet to the floor finally eased and I surged forward.

“What did you do?” I hissed, staring at Not-Kieron.

“Nothing, it’s just working,” Alona told me.

The calmness in her voice left my panic dying down somewhat, but I still stared at my perpetual. Mine and yet not mine, not right now. Not yet. But soon. _Soon_.

“Now what?” Ashere asked from behind me.

“I’m working on it,” she said, rolling her eyes. “You guys don’t have to be here for this, you know. Stop interrupting me.”

I winced. “Sorry. I’m just…”

“Steam’s coming from his mouth,” Ashere cut in. “That’s not exactly _normal_.”

I nodded quickly. “What he said.”

“I understand you’re worried, but you really shouldn’t be. I know what I’m doing.”

“Pains is…” Perez started.

“Oh, hush,” Alona all but snapped. “The next person to speak is getting thrown out of the room, do you understand?”

“Stop bickering! Some of us are trying to sleep!” Bekkah shouted from the bedroom.

“Bekkah wishes to ask you to quiet down,” Dettere said from the doorway, looking exasperated, having to be the messenger boy.

“I will throw you out, too, Bekkah!” Alona called back.

“Try me! I’ll kick you!” Bekkah shot back.

Ashere caught my eye. “What the hell have we started?”

“I don’t even…” I said, shaking my head, at a loss for words.

“ _Anyway_ ,” Alona said somewhat irritably, “can we finish now? Good. Hold still.”

Her claws shot out so suddenly as she pushed herself forward, twisting enough that she was almost sitting in Perez’s lap. A second later the claws of her right hand were imbedded in the open wound on his chest, her left hand in the wound on his back. Perez released this choked little gasp I hated hearing and more steam slid from the wounds as well as his mouth as his eyes fell closed once more.

“What are-” I hissed, but Alona shot me a hot glare, leaving me snapping my mouth shut.

She huffed and closed her eyes, concentrating.

I shared a look with Ashere but he looked just as confused as me. Then we looked back at Alona and _Perez_.

For a long moment, nothing happened. Alona just sat where she was, partially in Perez’s lap, and Perez’s spine was stiff for once. The steam clouded the air in the living room and I was partially worried the fire alarm might start going off soon if it didn’t thin out, and that would only cause more problems. Alona’s claws remained imbedded in Kieron’s flesh with red blood dotting her hands. She inhaled the steam released, and breathed out slowly, repeating the process several times.

Perez’s eyes opened, then, blue-white in hue, and glowing. He blinked once, twice, and the glow disappeared. Another few blinks and the color darkened. And darkened. And darkened. The light fading away.

Dying eyes.

I took a step forward. Ashere caught my shoulder and held me back, allowing Alona to keep working. Meanwhile, shivers inched through my spine, ice in my veins. Memories of a previous time when Kieron’s eyes were so very dark filled my mind, leaving me breathless as I swallowed in vain around the lump in my throat. I itched to go to him, touch him, hold him, stop this from happening – instead I stood there and did nothing, and the inaction was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do in my life.

His eyes fell closed once more, and stayed that way. He went limp, falling sideways against the cushions since he’d been sitting partially sideways to begin with. I tried stepping forward again, as once last exhale escaped his lips, mixed with the steam, and then stopped entirely. No more breaths. Ashere’s hand held me back firmly, tightening in its grip. I bit down hard on my lip.

_It’s okay. It’s a process. It’s fine._

Had to be fine. Couldn’t _not_ be fine.

Alona extracted her claws and slipped away from the limp perpetual. Kieron slumped further into the cushions, completely motionless. Breathless. Not breathing. Dark eyes. I watched him die. I watched him die a death that wasn’t his.

Searching… Searching…

_Kieron, Kieron, Kieron-_

Alona raised her clawed hand to the back of his neck, and slipped them inside. A jolt went through my perpetual, his whole body stiffening momentarily like he’d just been electrocuted, before he fell still again. Alona opened one eye, seeking us out.

“The varrite, please,” she said tersely.

Ashere picked the stone up from the coffee table and placed it into her outstretched hand. Her clawed fingers closed around it and she brought it up to the back of Kieron’s neck, allowing the droplets of red blood to drip down onto it. As the blood touched the surface of the blue stone, steam seemed to slip away from it, melting against the air, disappearing almost instantly but there all the same. Another jolt tore through my perpetual, before he again went limp. A ragged exhale, filled with steam, then silence.

Alona pulled the claws from his neck and put the stone down on the table. I blinked at the stone, which pulsated that strange blue-white hue of the cave walls and of the presence’s eyes. Pulsated a few times, then went silent, the colors softening. Darkening. A puff of more steam from it, but I could see the red of Kieron’s blood already dissolving, disappearing _inside_ the rock as though being absorbed.

“How you doing in there, Perez?” Alona asked after a moment of silence.

The rock pulsated brightly, startling me so much I took a step back, bumping my back into Ashere’s chest. He steadied me, though I could feel his gaze focused on the rock too.

I am well, thank you.

I released a breath I hadn’t known I’d been holding. “It worked,” I choked, finally able to speak again. “It really worked…”

“You doubted me?” Alona asked, smirking though she did sound a little offended.

I winced. “Sorry, I just, um…”

“That was intensely weird,” Ashere said.

I nodded. “What he said.”

“Stop agreeing with me,” Ashere complained. “It’s creeping me out.”

I laughed, unable to stop myself. It felt so incredibly _good_ to laugh. “Sorry, I’ll be back to biting your head off soon enough.”

“Good, murderous, head-biting Terry I can deal with.”

I snorted, and glanced again at Kieron. “Why’s he so…?”

“He’s locked away, and Perez isn’t there anymore,” Alona said simply. “So technically there’s no soul right now, so he’s just a body.”

She patted the ‘body’s shoulder.

“But we’ll wake him tomorrow,” she said around a yawn. “I’m exhausted, and my head hurts.”

With that she got to her feet and started migrating out of the room, back toward the bedroom.

I swallowed. “So… So what do I do with him?”

“Whatever you want,” Alona said. “He’s not aware of anything. He’s kinda empty at the moment. Just leave him there, he’ll be fine. I’m tired. Night.”

And she stepped into the bedroom and closed the door softly behind her.

I shared a look with Ashere.

Then we both moved toward the couch. Toward Kieron. All Kieron, because the presence wasn’t inside of him anymore. It was hard to believe it was finally over. Soon it would all be over and Kieron would be back. I almost felt giddy with this knowledge.

We didn’t say a word to each other, but somehow we both had the same idea. Ashere grabbed Kieron’s legs and I grabbed his arms, and together we positioned him more comfortably on the couch, stretched out across the length of it.

I rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly, staring down at my perpetual. Mine again. All mine. Soon. Then I sighed and looked at Ashere, noticing for the first time the rings under his eyes. “You look tired,” I said.

He frowned, rubbing at his eyes momentarily. “It’s been a long few days.”

“Have you been awake this whole time?”

“I had to keep an eye on the girls…”

I smiled faintly. “You know, you’re kind of sweet.”

He threw me a glare. “Take it back.”

“Nope.”

“How am I sweet? Someone had to watch them.”

“Not the whole time,” I said. “You could have traded off with Dettere.”

“Dettere’s bedside manner sucks.”

I snickered, feeling lighter than I had in what felt like forever, and it was with _Ashere_ of all people. “And yours is awesome?”

“Damn straight, I’m an awesome nurse.” A sad smile flitted across his face. “Or so Kieron and Blaine told me.”

I exhaled slowly. “I’m sure you’re an awesome nursemaid.”

“Just don’t ask me to do stitches.”

“Stitches? Really? You’re a perpetual fighting in a war, but you draw the line at stitches?”

“Perpetuals haven’t needed stitches until recently,” he muttered by way of an excuse. “And before that I never had to patch anyone up who wasn’t a perpetual. All I did was set a bone or something.”

“So you’re an awesome nurse, just don’t have you do any nurse duties.”

“Exactly.”

“Well, as long as we’re on the same page,” I said, smirking somewhat. “This is nice, you know?”

“Hmm?” He looked at me with his bright brown eyes.

“This,” I said, gesturing between us. “We’re not even arguing.”

“Strange, isn’t it? I don’t know how to feel about this.”

I shrugged. “I can bite your head off again, don’t worry.”

He cracked a faint smile. “Yes, that. I have to admit irritating you can be fun sometimes, but it is nice to get along.”

“Just don’t let Kie know… he’ll call _us_ possessed.”

“Indeed. How are you, by the way? With Kieron how he is, I mean.”

I swallowed thickly. “What do you mean?”

“I mean I know the bond’s still silent, right? That hasn’t changed? Did you feel anything when Alona was doing… whatever it was she did?”

I frowned, concentrating, before I shook my head. “No, I didn’t feel anything. Should I have? The bond’s sealed, right?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know, I was just curious.”

“I… I should apologize, for before,” I said softly. “I mean, when – when we went back to Ethereal. I was out of line. I know you lost Blaine, and…”

He held a hand up, shaking his head. “I know. It’s hard. It’s fine. I mean, it’s not okay, because fuck you, but still, it’s fine. I know it’s worse for you since you’re human. And… I know your bond with Kieron is stronger than mine was with Blaine.”

His voice dropped to a low whisper the more he spoke, his gaze lowering. I knew mentioning Blaine was hard for him, as was my bond with Kieron.

“I still search for her, you know?” he admitted in that quiet whisper, barely audible. My spine straightened, because I did know. I knew what that was like. “But there’s nothing to find. Just an empty fucking abyss. Like I’m drowning, all the time. I wasn’t… I wasn’t aware how much I relied on the bond until it just stopped being there. There was no warning, you know? I just blinked, and…”

He trailed off there, carding a hand through his hair as he sighed heavily.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured, watching him. “I know it was sudden.”

“If it weren’t for Kieron and Bekkah, I don’t know where I’d be right now,” he said, sighing again. “I was an asshole to them, too.”

“I can relate,” I said, and he smiled faintly.

“Yes, that. I was so rude to them all, but they forgave me for it, and when I ordered them away they wouldn’t fucking _leave_. I wanted them there because I didn’t want to be alone, but...”

“You were still alone,” I said quietly. “In your head. Alone in a crowd. Drowning.”

He nodded. “Yeah, that. And it drove me crazy. I mean, I asked Kieron to meet me because, _fuck_ , I was tired of feeling… _alone_ , but that just made it worse. It wasn’t the same. And he was busy with the war and you, so… But thankfully Bekkah can be just as stubborn as Kieron, if not more so. She also kicked my ass a few times, to ‘knock the asshole out of me’.”

I smirked faintly at the thought. The mental image of Bekkah pummeling Ashere into submission, since she was as strong as Kieron, being of the fighter class and all.

“If it weren’t for her and Kieron, I don’t know where I’d be.”

“Well, luckily they were there for you,” I said softly.

I wondered where I’d be without them, too. Without any of them. Without Bekkah, Ashere, Tommy, Lacy…

Drowning, I realized.

I’d be drowning, or dead.

“Thanks for putting up with me,” I said.

He shrugged. “I know what you’re going through, but at least… I mean…”

“It’s temporary,” I finished for him.

He nodded weakly.

“Thanks again, though,” I said.

He shrugged once more. “It’s fine. Kieron told me to, I have to admit. But I do know what it’s like.”

“Kie told you to?” I whispered.

“He made me promise to keep an eye on you,” he said with a small nod. “Since he wouldn’t be here to do it. He said ‘don’t let him drown’.”

I swallowed thickly, glancing briefly back at Kieron’s still form on the couch. “After… After he wakes up, I… I wanna go on a vacation for a while. Just… get away from everything. Not worry about anything.”

“That sounds nice,” Ashere said. “We’re still having a war, but a small vacation should be okay. I think you’ve earned it.”

I smiled weakly, looking away from Kieron and back at the silver-haired perpetual. “Thanks.”

Ashere yawned. “I think I’m going to take a nap now, though.”

“Sounds good,” I said. “You’ve earned it.”

“Can I take the couch next door? Are you going to be here for a while?”

I glanced back at Kieron and nodded. “Yeah,” I said softly. “I’ll be here a while.”

“Alright, then I’ll crash on the couch.” He began moving toward the door, but hesitated with his hand on the knob, just short of yanking it open. He looked back at me, sighing. “A word of advice?”

“Hmm?”

“When he wakes up,” he said with a nod at Kieron, “bite him.”

“B-Bite…?”

He nodded. “He likes that. And the area around where you first made the bond is the most sensitive. Bite him there, and he’ll like it. He’d never admit it, though.”

I could feel my cheeks darkening at the thought of biting my perpetual, remembering when he bit me… but nevertheless I nodded at Ashere. “O-Okay, thanks.”

He nodded, and opened the door.

It closed behind him as he left the apartment.

I looked at Kieron, standing next to him. My fingers moved on their own, brushing back some of his bangs. “Soon,” I whispered quietly. “You’ll be awake soon.”

I jumped. “Oh, _fuck me_ , I forgot all about you.”

I turned back to the table and faced the blue rock.

“How much did you hear?”

My hearing is quite well. I heard the entire conversation.

“Fuck me.”

Why do you keep saying that?

“No reason. Ugh. Okay. Don’t repeat any of what you heard to anyone, do you understand?”

Very well.

“Good. Thanks. How’s the rock?”

It is adequate, just a little small. However, to steal a human phrase: it feels like home.

I smiled faintly. “That’s good. And hey, no more going to the bathroom! No more pain!”

That is nice, yes.

I chuckled faintly, sitting on the couch near Kieron’s legs, shifting them over a little to allow me some more room.

_I feel better than I have in a long time…_

So much better. So much lighter, like a weight had been lifted. Kieron was himself, and soon he’d be fully himself. He’d be awake, and back with me, and this whole ordeal would be over. My mind would no longer be my own, and I couldn’t wait.

I have a question.

“Ask,” I said.

What is the importance of this ‘biting’?

_And I’m blushing because of a fucking rock. Great._

“Nothing,” I said quickly. “Absolutely nothing.”

It seemed important when Ashere spoke of it.

“Nope!”

But in Kieron’s memories-

“Okay! How about you ask Ashere? I’ll take you to him!”

I plucked the rock from the table and hurried out of the apartment.

 


	36. Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Complications arise in the plan to wake Kieron. The outcome could be dangerous.

Chapter Thirty-Six: Awakening

 

“… which brings us to reason nine why I hate you: You ate my fucking pizza slice, you asshole.”

I snickered, watching Ashere as he sat at the kitchen table in my apartment, bitching at me for handing him Perez when he was trying to sleep. Currently we were waiting for the girls to awaken again, so we could wake Kieron. I spent my night dozing faintly at his side, kept awake by the thought that _soon_ this would be over, and everything would be fine. And then Ashere came over, woke me, said he was hungry, and we ordered a pizza. I took the last slice, because for once, I was actually hungry, too.

“It wasn’t _your_ slice,” I said. “I bought the damn thing.”

“Did I say that mattered? No! Because it doesn’t. I called dibs and you fucking ate it. Bitch.”

“Hey,” I said, laughing. “Jesus, is this what Kieron’s been putting up with for years? Centuries?”

“What are you complaining about? I am awesome, and you ate my pizza, and woke me up with a talking rock.”

I rolled my eyes. “Sorry about your pizza slice; I was actually hungry for once.”

“Oh, sure, sure, rub it in. I haven’t been hungry in a long time, but it’s finally starting to not taste like cardboard, and what do you do? You go and eat it all.”

“I had three slices!” I protested. “Three! You had five!”

“Your point?”

I paused. “And what do you mean, tastes like cardboard?”

Ashere fell silent for a moment, before he sighed, shoulders slumping as he sat back in his seat, gaze focused on the empty paper plate in front of him. “Ever since Blaine died, food just… isn’t good. I’m not usually hungry, but I have been lately. And then when I do eat, it tastes like shit, but lately… it’s starting to die down. It’s getting easier.” He looked at me, then, a grimace etched across his face. “That’s what they told me, you know? That it would get easier.”

I swallowed thickly. “I’m sorry for taking the last slice.”

He shrugged. “It’s… fine.”

I watched him for a moment, wondering what to say, but the moment was ruined when the bedroom door opened and out walked Alona. I jumped to my feet so fast my head spun, and I collapsed back down into my chair, dizzy. She eyed me with bemusement as she grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator, and then entered the living room, looking around briefly before she glanced back at us.

“Where’s Perez?” she asked.

“Next door,” I said.

Ashere threw me a glare. “I can’t believe you pawned him off on me with those questions.”

“What questions?” Alona asked, quirking a brow.

Both Ashere and I slumped in our seats. “Nothing,” we said simultaneously.

“Creepy,” Alona said. “You didn’t save me any pizza? Shame.”

I looked skyward to keep from completely rolling my eyes. “Can we get Kieron back now?”

_Please say yes._

“Soon,” she said. “Let me eat first, then I’ll dive into his mind.” She glanced toward the couch.

Seeing him so still was hard, so I tried not to look myself. “How long will that take?”

“Depends,” she said. “How soon can you get me some food?”

I smirked faintly, and ordered another pizza.

xXx

After everyone ate, Alona joined Kieron on the couch, sitting next to his head. I hovered nearby anxiously, while Alona looked around the room briefly, her gaze settling on Ashere. “Help me move him next door,” she said.

“What? Why?” I asked, frowning.

“Privacy,” she replied. “Trust me.”

I nodded slowly, as Ashere approached the couch.

“I’d carry him but…” She gestured at her side, which was still healing and had to still be sore.

Ashere nodded and wordlessly lifted Kieron into his arms. It was so strange, seeing my perpetual so limp and vulnerable in his arms. I swallowed down the protest and followed Ashere next door. Once there, he put Kieron down on the couch. Alona’s gaze found Ashere’s again.

“Please leave.”

“What? Why?” Ashere asked, clearly protesting.

“Privacy,” she said again. “Too many people will confuse him when I’m trying to wake him. I need as few people as possible, and Terry has to be here, as do I.” She picked up the blue stone. “Take Perez with you.”

Ashere grumbled something under his breath but thankfully didn’t argue, only snagging Perez from Alona before he stomped out of the apartment. I watched him go, then looked back at Alona, who was once again settled next to Kieron’s head. My nerves seemed to jump into overdrive now that I was alone. Alone with Alona and Kieron.

“Now what?” I asked quietly, shifting my feet anxiously.

“Come sit with him,” she replied. “It will be easier to draw him out that way.”

I nodded and sat next to Kieron’s legs, looking down at him. He was pale, lips blue and so motionless. Dead, essentially. Dead because no one was ‘awake’ inside of him right now. He was still locked away, and Perez was no longer in him. I took in a slow breath and unconsciously reached forward, entwining our fingers, the cool touch of his skin getting to me almost instantly. I squeezed his hand, smoothing my thumb along his knuckles, attempting to warm his skin.

Upon feeling Alona’s eyes on me, I glanced at her. “What?”

She smiled faintly. “Nothing. Keep doing that, and speak to him when I tell you to. I’m going to start searching for him now.”

With that, she placed her claws to the back of his neck once more. I swallowed, giving Kieron’s hand another squeeze, my heart jumping into my throat.

_It’s really happening._

I was going to get him back. _Finally_. After all this time…

Searching… Searching…

_Soon, soon, soon…_

I took in a deep breath, attempting to calm myself, but it was so incredibly difficult because _finally_. Finally, I would be getting him back. This terrible emptiness would finally end, and my mind would no longer be my own. It would be filled with his presence like it should have been all along.

Alona’s eyes fell closed, and silence surrounded us in the apartment save for the sound of my racing heart, so loud in my ears. I counted to ten in my head, but that did little to calm me. How could I be calmed, when Kieron was so close to coming back? When I was so close to getting him back? When this whole ordeal was so close to being over?

For the first time since the bond was sealed, it was like there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and I could finally breathe again. All the knots in my stomach started to unravel, that sinking feeling finally dispersing, if only slightly. It wouldn’t completely go away until Kieron was back with me, but for now, I would take what I could get.

I wasn’t sure how long we sat there like that, with Alona’s claws in the back of Kieron’s neck and my own hand equipped with a death grip on his hand, but after a time Alona’s eyes opened. She frowned, brows furrowing somewhat.

I swallowed thickly. “What?” I whispered, trying to steel myself for her next words because I knew I wouldn’t like them.

“That’s… strange,” she said vaguely.

“What is? What’s wrong?”

_Bring him back now, please._

I needed him back now. Needed him to come back. Needed him to wake up.

“It’s been damaged,” she said uncertainly.

“Damaged?” I echoed worriedly, squeezing Kieron’s hand tightly. “What do you mean? What’s been damaged?”

She shook her head, looking perturbed.

“Can you wake him or not?” I asked, though I was afraid to hear the answer.

“I’m trying,” she said calmly. “It’s been damaged, so it’s a work in progress.”

“What’s been damaged?” I asked again, needing an answer. I needed to know what happened, what was stopping her from waking him now. Needed to know if… if…

Searching… Searching…

“When I sealed the bond, he was sealed in a cocoon of sorts,” she explained, frowning down at Kieron’s limp form, her claws still imbedded in the back of his neck, red blood dotting her fingers and starting to drip onto the couch. I’d have to clean that up before we left. “It has been damaged.”

“What’s that mean? Is that bad?”

“The cocoon protected his subconscious – his thoughts, memories, everything. Protected _him_. It’s been damaged. I don’t know…”

“What the fuck does that _mean_?” I hissed, pulse racing.

_Please, please, please…_

“I… I don’t know,” she admitted. “It’s been damaged. I don’t know if… he might have slipped away…”

_Slipped away._

My mind blanked for a moment.

Breath caught in my throat.

Eyes burned.

“No,” I choked. “You’re lying. Tell me you’re lying!”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, tearing her gaze from Kieron to instead look at me. “The cocoon seems dormant. If he’s still in there… he’s hiding.”

“H-Hiding?”

_Please, you can’t be gone. Please, please, please…_

Searching… Searching…

_No, no, no. Please. You gotta still be there, Kieron… you gotta come back… You’re supposed to come back…_

Searching… Searching…

A sob lodged in my throat. “There’s… T-There’s gotta be a way to find him,” I managed to push past reluctant, trembling lips, my eyes burning. I blinked the tears back, refusing to let them fall. Later. I could cry later, if… if…

Alona sighed softly. “I will need your help, then. You would know his mind better than me. If he’s hiding, where would he go?”

“I… I don’t… I don’t know…”

At the moment I couldn’t think of anything; my mind was a whirlwind of thoughts and I couldn’t possibly concentrate enough to figure out where he might hide in his own mind. But I was willing to try _anything_ to get him back, so I nodded.

“Do it,” I whispered. “Whatever you have to do, do it.”

“This could hurt you,” she warned. “If you get lost or go in too far, then, since you’re human, you could-”

I shook my head. “Don’t care,” I cut her off. “Just do it. Now.”

She watched me for a moment, and then nodded slowly. “Give me your hand.”

I nodded and slid a little closer toward her, offering my free hand, my other one still wrapped around Kieron’s fingers in a death grip. My fingers shook a little as she grabbed them, pulling her own claws out of Kieron’s neck finally, leaving thin trails of blood in their wake. I swallowed as she brought my hand to the back of Kieron’s neck, pushing my fingers into the deep grooves created by her claws. As my fingernails scraped bone I flinched and tried to pull away, but she just shoved my fingers in more instead. I wasn’t aware of her other hand lifting, then, her claws sinking into the back of my neck.

Color burst behind my eyes, and suddenly I wasn’t in the living room anymore, or sitting on a couch with Kieron’s limp body.

Instead I was in a dark abyss. Empty. Cold.

I shivered, snow falling around me. Looking up, I noticed just an empty void, no sky. No clouds. Nothing. Just snow all around me, and a chill in the air that had little to do with the actual temperature. I released a heavy breath, watching the puff that exploded from my mouth and slipped away in the icy wind. I stepped forward through the snow, looking around, shivering.

“K-Kieron?”

I swallowed, receiving no response.

“Alona?”

_What’s going on…?_

“Hello? Anyone? Kieron?”

_It’s so cold…_

I pushed through the snow, further into the darkness.

A light somewhere in the distance.

I hurried toward it as the snow fall picked up. By the time I reached the light, it was basically a blizzard. But upon stepping into the light, I was transported elsewhere. No longer was I in the middle of a snow storm in some empty abyss; instead, I was surrounded by leviathan trees and a warm sunset. I turned in a slow circle, frowning as the chill died away a little.

“Kieron?”

I walked through the trees, until I came across a path. After following it, I stopped upon realizing where it led me. Then I stared at the hill leading toward that particular cabin.

_The Lake. Why here?_

An icy feeling in the pit of my stomach, I finally started walking up the hill toward the cabin overlooking the Lake, perched on the cliffside. Upon reaching it, I pushed the door open. It opened with a loud creak, and I winced at the sudden noise, realizing only then how quiet it was around me.

“H-Hello? Is anyone here? Kieron?”

More silence as my response.

_Please… where are you, Kieron?_

“Kieron, please…? Kie? Are you here? Hello? Anyone?”

I walked up the stairs in the cabin, toward the bedrooms upstairs. Down the hall I went until I reached one particular bedroom, with light seeping from under the door. Swallowing, I pushed it open and was blinded by the brightness. I held a hand up to shield my eyes, blinking rapidly.

“Kieron? Are you here?”

A brush against my arm.

I spun, only to find myself no longer in a cabin.

Where once the doorway stood, now it was just an open field.

“K-Kie…?”

Thunder clapped overhead, lightning shooting through the dark sky. I shivered as rain began to pelt against my skin, and moved quickly through the field, toward the single thing in the distance: a cabin.

Upon reaching it, I tried opening the door, but it was locked. Why locked?

“Kieron? Hello?”

I knocked, but received no answer. Somehow, I knew I wouldn’t.

I looked around, but there was nothing else around me except the field. Sighing, I moved toward the window and rammed my fist through it, shattering the glass. Blood appeared on my knuckles as pain lanced through my hand, but I didn’t care about that right now. Later I’d care. I’d pick the bits of glass out of my skin, but right now, all I cared about was finding Kieron.

I climbed in through the window, into the darkness within.

And I tumbled over the table along the window, and fell. Fell into darkness.

Kept falling.

Until I hit the ground finally, and looked around.

Wet grass beneath my cheek, damp with morning dew as the sun began to rise in the distance. A chill in the air. I pushed to my feet, looking around, frowning deeply.

“I’m tired of this. Kieron, where are you? It’s me! It’s Terry. Please?”

“How did you find me?”

I spun at the voice, familiar and yet foreign. Foreign. Soft. High-pitched. _Young_.

In front of me now stood a kid. A little kid, with bright blue eyes and equally blue hair, along with fuzzy little ears.

My heart caught in my throat.

“K-Kieron?” I whispered, taking a tentative step forward.

The kid backed up, blue eyes narrowing into slits. “Who are you?”

“Kieron,” I breathed, staring at him. “Kie, it’s me. It’s Terry.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Call you what?”

“Kie,” he said distastefully.

“But… But… Look, it’s me, okay? It’s Terry. You know me, right?”

The kid looked at me for a moment, before he shook his head. “Should I know you?”

“Yes,” I choked. “Yes, you should know me.”

“Well, I don’t.”

“Kieron, please. It’s me.” I took another step forward.

He gave me this wide-eyed look, taking another step back. “Stay away,” he hissed. “Go away and stay away!”

“Kieron, _please_. I won’t hurt you. I… I came here to find you. Please.”

I just wanted to touch him. Hold him and never let go. He looked so out of place, so young, so innocent… so _scared_. A scared little kid.

“What do you want with me?” Kieron asked suspiciously.

“I just wanted to find you,” I said softly.

“Liar. No one wants me.”

“Kieron, no, that’s not true,” I whispered, staring at him, aching to just hold him. Pick him up and reassure him.

The kid’s eyes shined in the dull morning light. “No one wants me. That’s why they dumped me here.” He took in a trembling breath. “Why does everyone hate me?”

I blinked, and he was older. He grew several inches, and his eyes weren’t as bright, but more the familiar dark hue I loved so much. Missed so much. His hair grew a little longer, also darkening in color to match his eyes. He looked like Kieron. My Kieron.

He couldn’t be more than fifteen, probably a little younger.

“No one wants me,” he repeated with a deeper voice, so much like the voice I missed so much. “They all hate me. I’m different. No one wants me.”

“I do,” I said. “I want you.”

_I want you so badly…_

He frowned at me. “You’re lying.”

“I’m not.”

“That’s what adults do,” he told me. “They lie. They’re liars. They make things up and say they have plans for me, that they care – but they don’t. They don’t care at all.”

“I care,” I told him truthfully.

“You’re lying. I don’t get it. Why are you lying?”

“I’m not, Kieron. I’d never lie to you.”

“You don’t even know me.”

“I do,” I choked. “I do know you. I miss you.”

“Miss me? I’ve never seen you before.”

“Not yet,” I whispered. “Not yet you haven’t, but you will, when you’re older.”

“Are you suggesting I time traveled?”

“No, Kieron, nothing like that.”

“Then?”

“I… I don’t… Look, just… I came here to find you,” I said, going in circles.

“Find me,” he repeated. “Why?”

“Just… Just come with me, and you’ll find out.” I held my hand out to him, aching to just lunge at him and take him with me and never let go, but I managed to hold myself back somehow.

He eyed my hand warily. “Last time I went with someone unknowingly, I wound up here.”

I swallowed. Were we back at the Lake? Was that what he was talking about? I licked my lips, attempting to find the right words. “I would never hurt you, Kieron.”

“Oh? And why’s that?” He folded his arms across his chest, eying me.

“Because I… You mean too much to me. I came here to find you, and I’m not leaving without you. Please?”

He frowned. “You don’t act like the Elders. What’d you say your name was?”

“Terry. I’m not an Elder. I… I’m human.”

His nose wrinkled. “Human?”

I nodded weakly. “I’m human, and I know you’re a perpetual. A… An _animalistic_ perpetual.”

His eyes flashed, a spark of the familiar Kieron filling them, before it died away. “So that’s why you’re here. You want to put me in the Lake, too.”

“No!” I snapped. “No, fuck that. I would never… I would never let that happen, okay?”

“Why do you care so much?”

“Because I… I love you.” I took in a breath. “I love you, Kieron. Animalistic half and all.”

He stared at me for a moment, long and hard. Calculating. A flash of something in his eyes, something familiar and oh so perfect. I swallowed, watching him. I blinked, and again he was older.

_Kieron, please. Please._

Mine. My Kieron. Familiar. Right. _Perfect_.

He held his head, wincing, looking at me. “Terry?”

“Yes,” I choked, stepping forward quickly. “Yes, it’s me. It’s me, Kieron. Are you with me now?”

He blinked slowly. “Did I go somewhere?”

I lunged at him, then, wrapping my arms around him the moment we touched. Warmth. Warmth all around me, through me, inside of me… “Kieron, you’re back. You’re back. I found you.”

His arms slowly came around me as well. It was something I wasn’t sure would ever happen again. I all but sobbed into his shoulder, my own body shaking. For a moment, we just held onto each other, until he suddenly stiffened and pushed me away. I clawed at him, shaking my head, refusing to accept any distance right now. He held me at arm’s length, looking at me.

“Your nose is bleeding,” he said softly.

I swallowed and brought a hand up, wiping at the blood on my face, staring at the liquid for a moment.

“How are you here?” he asked. “What did you do?”

“Nothing,” I said quietly. “I… I didn’t do anything. I just… My head hurts…”

The pain came on suddenly, too; one second I was fine, and happy with Kieron, and the next my nose was bleeding and my head was throbbing. The world swayed around me.

“What did you do?” Kieron hissed, steadying me with firm hands on my shoulders. “Terry, _what did you do_?”

“I just… looked for you…”

“The bond’s sealed. Right?” he asked, like he was only now remembering, and I nodded weakly. He growled low in his throat, shaking me. “You fucking came inside my head when the bond’s sealed? What the fuck is wrong with you? Leave! Now!”

“I can’t…”

“Why the fuck not?”

“Dunno how,” I said weakly, feeling so incredibly shaky, more blood running down face, leaking from my nose. “And I… I came to find you… can’t leave without you…”

Kieron growled. It was so low and familiar. So sleepy… tired…

My eyes fell closed. My balance wavered. Kieron caught me, lowering me toward the ground, still growling.

“What the fuck did you do?” he kept repeating.

“Just… c-ame to… find you…”

Everything felt so incredibly fuzzy.

So tired.

“Alona s-aid… could be… bad…”

She said something like that. I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t remember clearly. It didn’t matter at the time. I found Kieron. That was all that mattered. I found him. He was here. He was perfect and _mine_.

I pried heavy eyelids open to look at him. “I found you…”

His brows furrowed. “You need to wake up.”

I swallowed, feeling very dizzy and out of it. A heavy, dry taste in my mouth. “Not asleep…”

“Wake up.”

“No, please.”

_Please, not again. Don’t let it be a dream again. Please._

I wouldn’t be able to handle it if it was. If I woke up and this was just another dream. If it wasn’t real, yet again.

I wasn’t aware my eyes had slid shut until teeth bit at my neck. I gasped, eyes flying back open as I arched into him, pulse racing. “K-Kieron…”

_Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes-_

He pulled away.

I whimpered.

 _No, no, no, come back, please_ -

“Wake up,” he said.

“Kieron, _please-_ ”

“You have to wake up.”

“Please, I just… _No_ …”

_Don’t let it be a dream. Please don’t let this be a dream. Not again._

His teeth bit my neck again. His eyes flashed that wonderful, bright hue. “Wake _up_ , Terry. If you don’t wake up you’re gonna fucking _die_.”

“W-What?” I gasped.

“Humans aren’t meant to do this. What the fuck is Alona thinking? Wake the fuck up!”

I whimpered as he bit at my neck again. Awareness flooded through me. Awareness of… something. Someone else. “Kieron, _no_ , please don’t send me away, not again, I can’t-”

Another bite. “Wake up,” he said.

“Kieron…”

“ _Wake up_.”

xXx

I came awake gasping, awareness flooding through me, clarity seeping through my veins. Everything ached, but my head hurt the most. Hurt so much I couldn’t see straight when I pried heavy eyelids open. Hurt so much I could barely breathe through the pain. Instantly I rolled over and lost the contents of my stomach over the side of the bed. A hand patted my shoulder. Warmth. I turned into it unconsciously, whimpering as something tugged at my mind. Something…

“K-ieron…?”

“I’m here,” he said.

I swallowed around the lump in my throat and dragged my gaze toward my perpetual. And there he was, just as he said. Sitting next to me on the bed, his hand gripping my shoulder tightly. He was pale, but his eyes were perfect. Dark blue, all Kieron. No blue-white tinge to them, no dull flatness… just Kieron.

I lunged into his arms, a sob catching in my throat. “You’re here,” I choked. “You’re really here… It wasn’t a dream…”

_And thank God for that._

If I had dreamed that… if it wasn’t real…

“I’m here,” he said again, mouth pressed into my hair as I buried my face in his shoulder.

“I… I can’t feel you,” I whispered.

 _Searching_.

“I can’t feel-” I started again, panic flooding through me.

“The bond’s not unsealed yet,” he told me calmly, warm breath ghosting over my ear, sending good shivers down my spine. “Soon. How do you feel?”

“Like shit,” I said. “Like you fucking _vanished_ on me…”

“I’m sorry.”

“Fuck you, Kieron. Fuck you so much! That planned fucking _sucked_.”

His arms wound around me, holding me to him. It was everything I needed. “I know it sucked, but it’s over now.”

“I missed you,” I all but babbled. “I missed you so fucking _much_. Felt like I was _drowning_. Never again, Kieron. We’re never doing that again, do you hear me?”

“I hear you.”

“ _Fuck_. How do _you_ feel?” I asked, forcing myself to pull back enough I could look him in the eye, but that was painful itself. Painful because I finally had him back, and I didn’t want to let go, in any way. Ever.

“I’m fine,” he said.

I scowled.

He laughed.

I frowned. “What?”

“Nothing. I just haven’t seen that expression in a while.”

I smiled faintly. “I missed you,” I said softly. “Were you… aware of anything?”

“Not really,” he said, shaking his head. “Not until you appeared in my mind. Which, by the way, stupid fucking idea, human.”

And there it was.

I closed my eyes against the sudden onslaught of tears.

“Human? Terry? What’s wrong?”

“You called me human,” I whispered, swallowing thickly. “You… You haven’t done that in a while.”

“Is that… bad?”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “It’s perfect.”

Silence. I opened my eyes to find him watching me with his perfect blue eyes.

“What?” I asked breathlessly.

He shook his head. “Nothing. You just seem different. But then that might just be me.”

“What do you mean? Why you?”

“I haven’t really been myself in a while, have I? It all seems kind of blurry, actually. Like it was a dream.”

I swallowed thickly. I’d been wondering if he’d remember what happened while he was ‘not quite himself’. “You said you loved me. Do you remember that?” I asked around the lump in my throat.

His gaze skittered away as he sighed, biting down on his lower lip, clearly hesitating.

“Just tell me,” I said softly.

_Say anything. It’s been too long since you just talked to me._

“I remember,” he finally said, voice hush.

I sucked in a sharp breath. “And? You feel the same?”

“Human…”

The reluctance to answer was oddly reassuring. I smiled at him. “Well? Do you? Do you still love me?”

“I do,” he said.

I pulled him toward me, having our lips connect for the first time in what felt like an eternity. I greedily deepened the kiss as his teeth nipped lightly at my lips, in that way he hadn’t done in so very long. I crushed him to me, but if he felt pain at my hug, he didn’t show it. Instead his own arms wound around me once more, and it felt like home. Finally home.

Almost perfect.

We just needed the bond open again. Once he was in my mind again, his thoughts brushing against my own like they _should have been_ …

It would be perfect.

But for now, this…

This was perfect.

“That was foolish, you know.”

Kieron’s voice was a sudden, low rumble against my ear, which was resting against his collarbone now, after our kiss died away.

I swallowed, closing my eyes. “What was?”

“Coming into my mind. You could have killed yourself.”

“Worth it,” I mumbled.

“No,” he said firmly. “ _Not_ worth it.”

“Worth it,” I said again. “Got you back.”

I probably sounded pathetic, but I really didn’t care. It had been too long since I could just _talk_ to him. Since I could rest against him without him pushing me away. Since he was completely _Kieron_.

I paused, a thought forming in my mind. “Kieron – do you remember how to make pancakes?”

“Of course I do,” he said. “What kind of silly question is that?”

I smiled, relaxing into him and his wonderful warmth. His mind was back, it seemed. Somehow, the ‘tainting’ process had been reversed, and that was all I could ask for. That, and Kieron back with me. “Never mind, Kieron. I love you.”

He sighed. “Sleep, human. You seem to need it.”

I was already partially dozing against him, but it felt like it had been so long since I really slept. Since I really felt comfortable. My mind was still dark and empty, but Kieron was warm next to me. So warm and right and perfect. _Home_. This was home.

Finally home.

“I love you,” I said again, feeling myself beginning to drift off.

He chuckled, releasing a wonderful vibration which helped lull me to sleep.

I still didn’t dream, but that was okay.

No dream could compare to the real thing anyway.

xXx

I woke the next morning with warmth pressed against my side. Kieron’s arm was thrown around me as he slept soundly, and for a long moment I simply watched him. Watched the rise and fall of his chest, watched the mostly peaceful expression on his face save for a slightly furrowed brow. Upon shifting, his eyes blinked open and I smiled at him.

“Hey, sleepyhead,” I said softly, curling into him further. “How do you feel?”

He frowned somewhat. “Is this how you’ve felt the whole time?”

I blinked at the question. “Hmm? What do you mean?”

It was just so wonderful to be able to talk to him again. To listen to his voice and know it was him. To wake like this and know it wasn’t a dream. A torturous dream.

“It’s… empty,” he finally said, frowning further.

“In your head?” I asked.

He nodded.

I sighed. “Yeah, it really fucking sucks. But you’re here now, so it’s better.”

Much better, actually. Bearable. And I knew I would be getting him back in my mind soon, so that really helped. Everything would be perfect soon.

“It’s disorientating.”

“It is,” I agreed.

“How do you cope?”

I swallowed. He was wondering how to cope without me in his head? Did I matter that much to him? Did my mind matter that much? The bond? Warmth flooded through me. “It’s hard, but… I mean, I can touch you, so that helps.” As I said this I caught his hand, entwining our fingers. He blinked at our hands for a moment, before he sighed and nodded slowly. “But the bond will be unsealed soon, and that… really helps.”

He nodded again.

“When can Alona do it?”

“Whenever she wakes up,” he said.

“Where is she?”

“Asleep on the couch. She wanted to stay and keep an eye on you, after your suicidal stunt.”

I scowled. “It wasn’t suicidal. I had to find you, or… or you might not have awoken.”

And that wasn’t an option.

He sighed. “Well, don’t pull anything stupid like that again.”

“Noted, just as long as the bond isn’t _sealed_ again.”

He nodded once more, and we fell into a comfortable silence.

It felt so long since I’d actually been comfortable.

“I missed you,” I said softly.

“So you’ve said.”

“Did you miss me?”

“I wasn’t aware of much until you showed up.”

“Oh… right.”

He said that.

I sighed.

“I love you,” I said.

“I know you do.”

“Do you…?”

“You know I do.”

I smiled and curled into him more.

About that time there was a knock on the bedroom door, and only then did I realize we were in the apartment next door, and not our own apartment. Somehow that felt wrong, but it was okay because Kieron was with me. He was back, and he was safe, and that was all that mattered.

We climbed out of bed, clad in sweatpants and T-shirts, and pried open the door. Alona stood there, looking me over.

“How do you feel?” she asked.

“I’m fine,” I answered. “Unseal the bond?”

She nodded. “That’s why I’m here.”

I grinned, feeling giddy. “Do it.”

Alona led the way into the living room, where Kieron and I sat on the couch, much as we had done before, when she’d originally sealed the bond and locked Kieron away inside of himself. I hadn’t been aware of much after it initially happened; the shock of it had left me in the hospital.

We bowed our heads forward, much like before.

The claws sinking into the back of my neck were not unexpected, but were still painful and sharp. I winced, but soon I was lost inside my head, watching Alona walk through the empty, cold abyss. She looked around with a frown, before glancing at me.

“This is your mind now?”

My mental body shrugged.

She shook her head and looked away from me. I spun around in a circle, but couldn’t see Kieron anywhere. Couldn’t feel him anywhere. Couldn’t hear him. Couldn’t find him.

Searching… Searching…

“Calm down,” Alona said as she walked away from me. “I’m working on it.”

I took in a slow breath, attempting to calm myself, but it was hard with the cold emptiness around me. I watched as she walked toward the center of my line of sight, and stopped there in the cold darkness. She raised her hands, and slowly, so slowly, golden streams of light appeared, and behind them, once the brightness wore off and I could see again, there was blue.

Glowing blue.

A glowing blue chord.

I didn’t even try to stop the sob from wrenching free of my chest as I sagged to my knees, staring at it and all its wonderful, perfect glory. Warmth slid across the empty abyss, brightening it, warming it – gone was the icy chill of the air, gone was the snow. Just easy, calm warmth.

Across the chord, once it began to reform as the bridge separating our minds, I could see Kieron looking back at me, standing on the other side.

Perfect warmth.

Rushing through me. Consuming me.

Tears running down my cheeks.

_Kieron, Kieron, Kieron._

_Kie, can you hear me?_

**_I hear you._ **

I sobbed, unable to stop myself. Physically or just mentally, I wasn’t sure.

_Kieron, I love you. I missed you._

_Don’t go again._

_Please don’t go again._

**_I’m not going anywhere._ **

Invisible fingers outstretched and touched the glowing chord.

I was flung from my mind, gasping as I sat upright, Alona’s fingers jerking out of my neck. Next to me, Kieron panted as she released him as well. Upon looking at him, I saw his perfect glowing eyes. I surged forward and wrapped my arms around him, smashing my lips against his with fervor.

_Kieron, Kieron, Kieron. Don’t go again. Please. I love you. I missed you._

**_Not going anywhere,_** he said again.

And his voice in my mind, his presence in my head, and his thoughts warm against my own – it was all so incredibly perfect.


	37. Adjusting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay; I'm currently working on the last chapter of this story, and I took a bit of a break between chapters 40 and 41. I do plan on finishing this story at the very least; and I do have plans for a 4th and final installment, so there's that, I suppose.
> 
> I just wanted to apologize for my delay in posting on this site, and I wanted to say thanks to those who have commented, asking about this story. You're the reason it's being updated here :) So, thanks!

Chapter Thirty-Seven: Adjusting

 

I woke to a lack of warmth beside me. For a long moment, I stared at the empty side of the bed, panic quickly unfurling in my chest as my heart all but dropped to my stomach. Feeling nauseous with uncertainty, dread and fear, I struggled to tell myself everything was okay, and that yesterday wasn’t a dream. Kieron was back.

I searched my mind.

Warmth.

It blossomed through me immediately, quick thoughts too quick for me to decipher, but there all the same, and I could breathe again.

**_I’m here, calm down._ **

Yes. Yes, he was there, in my mind. I closed my eyes, taking a few slow, deep breaths, attempting to calm my racing heart. I still felt sick with fear, though; it was a feeling I couldn’t shove down no matter how hard I tried.

 _Where are you?_ I sent to him.

**_Living room with Ashere. Calm down._ **

I sucked in a breath, shoving down the growl which lodged in my throat. Ashere and I weren’t enemies; we had an understanding, and over the past few days, maybe even a tentative friendship which revolved around more than constant arguing. He even told me to _bite_ Kieron, because it was something Kieron _liked_. How he knew that, I wished to not think about because then I _would_ growl and possibly start shouting at him. Instead I was going to focus on the fact it was basically his way of telling me Kieron was _mine_ , and he understood.

So I smiled, and climbed out of bed.

As I approached the bedroom door – finally back in my own apartment, too – I could make out their voices in the living room. I pushed through the doorway and passed the kitchen, smiling further as my gaze landed on Kieron. His head turned at the sound of my approach, dark blue eyes immediately landing on me, and a slow smile worked its way across his face as well. Ashere noticed his gaze and turned to face me, offering a small smile himself.

“Hey,” he said. “How do you feel?”

“I’m good,” I said, my gaze focused on Kieron instead of the silver-haired perpetual. “You?”

“I’m good,” Ashere replied.

“Kie?” I asked.

Kieron shrugged, his eyes still locked on me as well. “I’m fine.”

“Kieron and I were just catching up,” Ashere said.

I nodded, because I knew Kieron’s absence had been hard on Ashere as well. So despite how much I wanted to just shove Ashere out the door and spend some alone time with Kieron, I managed to push down the urge. Ashere missed Kieron, too. And he’d already completely lost his own bond-mate; he could talk to his best friend.

“Ash told me you two have been getting along,” Kieron said, smirking faintly. “Kinda creepy, human.”

A chill inched through my spine in all the right ways. _Human_. It had been so long since he’d called me that, save for yesterday; in his last days before the bond was sealed, he always called me Terry. I never thought I would miss being called ‘human’ so much.

“We have,” I said, finally glancing at Ashere. If he thought me rude for ignoring him until now, he didn’t give any indication. Instead he smirked at Kieron.

“The world ended,” he said. “But you can have your human back; he ate my pizza, so he’s dead to me.”

Kieron smirked. “You and the pizza.”

My eyes widened. “There’s a story? About pizza? Tell me!”

Ashere snickered, and Kieron laughed, shaking his head. “No,” my perpetual said. “Ash would kill me.”

Ashere rolled his eyes. “There’s not much to tell.”

“Sure,” Kieron agreed.

“There’s not!”

“Whatever you say.”

“Tell me,” I said again.

They both chuckled and didn’t tell me. Again.

I sighed, but smirked, watching them. It hadn’t been this lighthearted in a long time, and I was so happy to have this back. This sense of _home_. It was something I worried I would never feel again.

“Alright,” Ashere sighed, causing me to glance at him, unaware my gaze had yet again traveled toward Kieron, “I guess I should be going. Gotta check on the girls and everything. I’ll, um… talk to you later, Kieron.” He smiled at the blue-haired perpetual, who nodded in return, and then he took his leave.

I glanced back at Kieron, feeling a wide grin threaten to split my face in half. “Hey,” I said softly.

Kieron smirked. “Hey, yourself.”

I stepped closer to him, unable to stop myself. I missed him so fucking much. “I love you,” I said. “You know that, right?”

His brows furrowed. “Yes – why?”

I hesitated. Did he remember what he said in his mind? Before he returned to his usual age and his usual self, who remembered me? “I just… um…”

“What is it, human?”

At the use of ‘human’, I caved. Instantly. “In your mind, before you remembered me… you kept saying no one cared about you. That no one wanted you. And I… You know I love you, right? I care about you. I want you.”

_I want you more than anything._

He watched me for a moment, silence wrapping around us, before he nodded and offered a faint smile. “I know, human.” He hesitated, before he added: “Thank you.”

“Why are you thanking me?” I asked, frowning.

More hesitation, written across his brow. It had been so long since he hesitated in telling me something. It was oddly reassuring, to be honest. More like his usual self, and I missed that so very much.

Finally, he sighed, shoulders drooping, having lost some invisible battle with himself. “You’re the only person who’s ever given a damn, really. And I…” His expression twisted into something contorted, like he was having yet another internal battle with himself. I watched him all the while, transfixed. “I know I’m an ass and I don’t always… show it, but I appreciate it.”

“Appreciate that I care?”

He nodded faintly.

I sighed. “I didn’t say I cared just to get your appreciation, Kieron.”

“I know you didn’t. That’s why you have it.”

I smiled faintly. “Do you remember anything before the bond was sealed? You were saying a lot of things, you know.”

He scowled somewhat, and it was so _Kieron_ I nearly cried. It had been so long since he really looked at me like that. So very long, and I missed it so very much. “I remember,” he said somewhat tentatively, like admitting to such a thing could be a trick, but I would never set a verbal trap for him.

I smiled again. “So you love me, too?”

“You already know the answer to that.”

“Yeah, but I wanna hear you say it.”

“I already said it.”

“Yeah, but that was when you were… erm, not quite yourself. In your words, tell me you love me.”

“Right now?” he asked, eyes widening somewhat as he looked around, clearly hoping for an escape, but I nodded and stepped closer to him, fingers closing around his wrist to ensure he didn’t make a run for it.

“Right now,” I confirmed. “It’s not that hard, right?”

“Human…”

“I love you. See? Easy.”

“Terry…”

“Tell me you love me.”

He looked away. His teeth chewed on his lower lip like it was candy caught in the tiny ridges. I watched him all the while, watched the teeth worry at the lip, watched his tongue flick out briefly to wet said lips. Through it all, I was transfixed. Finally, he sighed, eyes sliding shut. “I care about you.”

I smirked at the evasion of the ‘L’ word. “That’s not what I said to tell me.”

“Human…”

“Kieron,” I mocked. “Three little words.”

He sighed again, before his hand twisted free of my grasp so suddenly I had no hope of catching him. I frowned, but he only stepped closer, eyes opening as he yanked me toward him as well. A second later I was pressed firmly against his warmth, and his mouth was on my own in a dominating kiss. I gasped into his mouth, which he used as leverage, quickly sliding his tongue inside, but I certainly wasn’t complaining. It had been so long since we were this close, since he kissed me like this, since he acted so brashly, without abandon…

Since he was fully _himself_ …

His lips left my own while my head was still spinning, and I caught sight of bright eyes before his teeth connected with my neck.

I whimpered, unable to stop myself. The burst of warmth from the bite was perfect; everything about it was absolutely _perfect_. Warmth, perfection, pleasure, bliss, _relief_ – all rolled into one, and I felt like crying just as much as I felt like laughing. The sound I released was some choked, distorted version of both as my eyes slid closed.

_Kieron…_

He pulled back, and I whined.

_No, please-_

His eyes caught my own, so bright and blue and perfect, and then they slid closed as he leaned his head forward, resting it against my own. I swallowed thickly at the warmth brushing against my thoughts, so perfect and right…

“K-Kie…?” I breathed, once I managed to find my voice.

“I love you,” he said softly, forehead still resting against my own.

My breath caught in my throat, my pulse skipping a beat before racing to catch up. He said it. He actually said it, and it was so fucking _perfect_ … So _Kieron_ … All Kieron… _My_ Kieron…

“Oh, God,” I breathed, choking on the air caught in my throat. “Oh, fuck you.”

He pulled back sharply, frowning at me. “What did I do?”

“No, no, just – fuck you. You – that was – you – I can’t – _fuck you_.”

He released me, pulling away.

I shook my head. “No, don’t,” I said, frowning. “I just… I wasn’t expecting… That was _perfect_ , okay? And I love it. I love you. I love everything. Don’t go.”

He frowned for a moment. “Then why do you seem upset?”

“I’m not upset, I’m just really fucking happy.”

“You are?”

“I am,” I said, grinning like an idiot. “I’ve been waiting for you to say that, and not just the ‘partially you’ version from before the bond was sealed. And it was perfect, and I love you. So much. Thank you, Kieron.”

I grabbed his arm and pulled him back toward me, instantly capturing his mouth with my own while he was too shocked to protest. He did snap out of it a second later, though, and easily took over the kiss, but that was perfectly okay with me. His arms tugged me closer and I was all too willing to slid up against his warm, firm body. His body, which I had missed so much, because while I could see him, touching him was difficult. Difficult because it wasn’t really him. And now… Now he was back, and he was himself. His mind was his own, as was his body, and it was perfect.

I was stuck on that word, but I didn’t care. It was perfect. _Perfect_.

“Bite me,” I said softly, as the kiss broke. A whine lodged in my throat when he merely blinked at me with those perfect, glowing eyes. “Bite me. Bite me. _Please_.”

He chuckled this low little laugh I loved so much, and then his teeth were at my neck once again. I whimpered again, unable to hold in the sound as I slid closer to him, if that were possible. Pleasure burst in a splendor of colors behind my eyes as I dragged in a ragged breath, his teeth still at my neck.

I barely managed to drudge up enough coherent thought to remember Ashere’s words. My fingers snagged Kieron’s right wrist as I pulled his arm up a little, toward me. He stopped biting and just held the bite for a moment, uncertain as to what I was doing. I found the tiny little mark left behind from where I created the bond so long ago, along his upper arm. Just above where the arm curved for the elbow. It was nearly invisible, but I knew what to look for. I knew what I did that day, when we started our bond. Smiling faintly at the memory, and also at the fact Kieron’s teeth were still hesitating at my neck, I dipped my head down just enough to allow my teeth to graze over the nearly invisible mark of our bond along his arm.

Kieron’s breath caught and he stiffened for a second, before he bit roughly at my neck. There was no pain, only pleasure. I took in a breath and bit at the skin of his arm, over where the bond was created, and this pleasant little _hum_ vibrated up Kieron’s throat and against my neck, leaving me gasping because that felt _so good_. So breathtakingly incredible and _perfect_.

_Why did I never try this before?_

It was true I wasn’t really a biter, but this was amazing. And Kieron seemed to like it as well, which was even more amazing. All I wanted right then was to please him – to let him know exactly how grateful I was he was in my life, and that he hadn’t left me. How grateful I was to have him back with him. In my mind and physically, as well. So very grateful.

A second later, I was pushed against the wall, trapped there by his warm body, but I wasn’t complaining. I wouldn’t try to leave anyway. There was nowhere I’d rather be than right here, right now, with him. There was a part of me that had worried if I would ever be like this again – be with him again, have him like this again. I kept trying to shove that part of my thoughts away, but it came back like an infection, plaguing my mind every chance it got. Now Kieron was back, and it was okay.

It was perfect.

The phone rang, then, startling me from Kieron’s warmth pressed against me. As the phone continued to ring, Kieron sighed and pulled away, eyes closed and head bowed, brows furrowed slightly.

“Kie?” I asked, frowning at him.

“You should get that,” he said.

“Why?”

“Because it’s probably your brother; he’s been calling for days, according to Ashere.”

I winced at the mention of Tommy. “Right, fuck. Yeah. I should probably talk to him.”

The thing was, I didn’t want to talk to him _right now_. I just wanted to stay here with Kieron, but I knew Tommy had to be worried. I disappeared again for a little while, after I was already _off_ due to the sealed bond.

I sighed and walked away from Kieron to answer the phone. It was a lot harder than it should have been.

“Hello?” I said as I answered.

“Terry!” Tommy said. “Thank God. Are you okay? Where have you been?”

“I’m fine,” I told him. “Kieron’s back.”

There was a pause.

“That’s great,” Tommy said, sounding _relieved_. “So you’re better now?”

“Yes,” I said with a small smile. “I’m fine.” My gaze slid toward Kieron, who was leaning against the wall with his eyes still closed. Feeling my gaze on him, his eyes slid open partially to reveal that wonderfully bright hue.

“I’m glad,” Tommy said. “I’ll let Lacy know, too. She’s been worried about both of you. When did he get back? How?”

“Alona unsealed the bond yesterday,” I told him, still looking at Kieron. He held my gaze with those perfect glowing eyes of his, and I itched to hang up on my brother.

“That’s great,” Tommy said again. “I’m happy for you. No lasting effects?”

“Not that I know of.”

“I see. You know Lacy is going to demand we kidnap both of you for a night together as soon as I tell her he’s back, right?”

I smirked faintly, because that was very true. “I know. Hold off ‘til tomorrow night?”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

“Thanks. I, um… I gotta go, but I’ll talk to you later, Tommy.”

“Alright, Terry. Glad to hear things are better and you’re both okay.”

“Thanks,” I said again. “Bye, Tommy.”

After hanging up the phone I turned my full attention back to Kieron.

Kieron and his glowing eyes.

I smiled brightly, moving closer to him once more. A second later I was pressed against the wall yet again, but that was perfectly okay with me.

We were yet again interrupted, though, this time by someone knocking on the door. I sighed, pulling away from Kieron just as the door swung open on its own and Bekkah stomped in.

“You two are complete assholes,” she said with narrowed eyes.

“Um… what?” I asked.

“I just got back!” Kieron protested.

“Exactly!” Bekkah snapped, stomping toward us. “Why am I just _now_ finding out that you’re even _okay_? That you’re back and perfectly fine and fucking Terry?”

I winced even as my face burned.

“Haven’t done that yet,” Kieron said.

Bekkah glared at him. “Hush! The next time you get possessed, locked away in your mind, and wake up – you fucking _tell me_ , got it?”

“We thought Alona or Ashere told you,” I said weakly, uncertain what to do in the face of her anger. She’d never been angry with me before.

“Ashere just found out this morning,” Kieron said helpfully.

Her glare slid toward him. “I just found out five minutes ago!”

“Sorry?” Kieron offered uncertainly.

“Very sorry?” I added helpfully.

Bekkah sighed heavily, the anger dying away from her face. “Just let me know, jerks. Next time.”

“I’d rather there not be a next time,” Kieron said.

I nodded rapidly. “Exactly.”

“ _Anyway_ , let me know.”

“Fine,” Kieron said. “You’ll be the first to know when I wake up tomorrow.”

She shot him a glare, and he at least fell silent.

I smirked because I missed this banter between them. Kieron could be humorous at times, especially with Ashere and Bekkah, his old friends. They’d known each other for centuries, after all; Kieron had known Bekkah since they were kids, even. I had missed these interactions. Even when he was only partially possessed, before the presence took over completely and he was sealed away, his sense of humor had been a little… off. Now, it felt like Kieron. It felt like home.

“Why didn’t you find out until five minutes ago?” I asked, then blanched when she glared at me again. “Um… I mean… I would have thought Alona would have told you?”

“She stayed here last night to keep an eye on you two,” Bekkah said. “At the time I just thought she was watching Terry, and Ashere came over this morning to see how things went. I guess he found Kieron awake, so there’s that. When he came back next door, he told me. Alona and Dettere are out on the town.”

I blanched again. “Oh, God. What could they possibly be doing?”

Dettere and Alona, in the human world… in town… shopping? Were they shopping? My thoughts drifted back to when Bekkah had Kieron go shopping with her and made him try on clothes, pink ones as well, for her amusement. I smirked faintly, but an Elder loose on the town was still a mildly terrifying thought.

Bekkah chuckled, smirking at me. “Trying human food, I think.”

Etherian food always tasted good to me for some reason. Perhaps human food tasted good to them too?

I nodded. “How long have they been gone?”

“A few hours,” Bekkah said. “I assume they’ll be back soon.” She looked back at Kieron. “You’re okay, right, asshole? You both are?”

Kieron scowled. “I’m fine.”

I nodded. “Ditto.”

She smirked. “Good. Then I guess I’ll be leaving.”

I nodded, waving goodbye as she moved back toward the door.

As she left and the door closed behind her, I once again turned my attention toward Kieron, whose eyes were still so wonderfully bright. I slid closer to him again.

“Where were we?” I asked, smiling.

He smirked faintly. “I think I remember.”

“Then remind me.”

His head dipped down, teeth nipping at my neck once more, and I sighed happily, slipping against his chest, my hands tangling in his light gray shirt.

“I love you,” I breathed.

He hummed in response, the vibrations doing wonderful things to me as he bit at my neck again, before licking faintly to soothe any nonexistent pain. The only time the ‘biting’ ever hurt was when I ‘rejected’ him, as he said, though I would never actually reject him. His animalistic half saw it as rejection, though, and responded accordingly. That was the only time it really hurt. Ever since he claimed me, there was always only ever pleasure.

So much pleasure.

Bursting in a splendid array of colors behind my eyes as they fell closed.

_I love you. So much._

_Please don’t ever go again…_

That separation was absolute torture. To be able to see him and physically touch him, but not have _him_ … It was torture, and it nearly ruined me. I almost didn’t make it, but somehow I did, and that was only because I knew – or fervently hoped – it was temporary, and I would get Kieron back. It would just take a little time. I could be patient for Kieron, right? That was what I kept telling myself while the bond was sealed.

Now it was open, and he was back, and I had no idea how I ever managed to survive without him. I never wanted to experience anything like that ever again.

“Human.”

I swallowed and opened my eyes to find Kieron watching me carefully, so very close to me since I was still up against his chest. I hadn’t realized he’d stopped biting until then. “Y-Yeah?”

“Are you okay?” he asked, frowning somewhat.

I nodded. “I’m good, just, um… adjusting.”

“Adjusting?”

I nodded again, struggling to find the words. “Having you gone… sealed away… it was very difficult for me. I… I was in the hospital for a while because I apparently wouldn’t stop screaming. Did they tell you this?”

Kieron nodded, but waved for me to continue.

I sighed. “Well, u-um… so I was drowning, right? And it was fucking terrible. And… And now you’re back, and you’re in my mind again, and the bond’s un-sealed… and I’m just happy.”

“Happy,” Kieron echoed.

“Yeah. Happy. Happy we’re both okay and that you’re back. For good, right?” My heart dropped. “Did… Did Alona say _this_ was temporary, too? Does she have to seal the bond again?”

_No, no, no, she can’t, I won’t let her, I can’t-_

Kieron shook his head, and I could breathe again. “As far as I know, this is permanent. My mind is my own. So to speak.”

I nodded, understanding what he was saying. I smiled faintly. “That’s good, then.”

Kieron nodded, still watching me carefully. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m good, Kie, don’t worry about me.”

His brows furrowed. “And yet you constantly worry about me?”

I scowled. “Kieron, no. We’re not having this conversation. I’m fine, you’re fine, we’re both fine. I’m just happy, okay?”

He watched me for a long moment, before he nodded slowly.

“Bite me,” I said.

His eyes flashed, glowing so brightly, and a second later his teeth were back at my neck. I clutched at him, my eyes sliding shut as a happy haze of bliss began to flood my mind. Kieron was back, everything was okay, and this felt amazing. Pushed against the wall as I was now, I allowed my head to fall back and rest against it, sighing contentedly.

_I love you._

It was this nagging thought that wouldn’t leave my mind, but I was okay with that. After wandering through Kieron’s mind and hearing him state how no one wanted him, and even having his little kid self ask why everyone hated him… I would tell him I loved him as often as I could, because he deserved it, and a part of him still doubted me. That… hurt, actually. That a part still doubted me. Doubted that I really loved him. Doubted how much I loved him. And I would keep reminding him until he finally, truly believed me.

_I love you, Kie._

**_I know, human._ **

_Do you?_

**_Yes._ **

_But in your mind… Kieron… You know I love you, right?_

**_We had this discussion already._ **

_I know, but… I mean…_

**_I know, human. It just takes some getting used to. I’ll adjust._ **

I smiled, though he couldn’t see me with his teeth at my neck still.

At some point we stumbled into the bedroom, and soon my back was pressed against the soft covers of the bed instead of up against a wall, which was perfectly fine with me. My fingers caught hold of Kieron’s shirt and yanked until he slipped out of it, and I ran my hands up and down his smooth, warm skin. It had been entirely too long since I touched him like this. Since I could feel him like this and know it was all him, and not _Perez_.

All Kieron. My Kieron. _Mine_.

“Claim me,” I found myself saying.

Kieron pulled back, looking at me. “I already did.”

I shook my head. “You said your animalistic half wasn’t easily sated. Do it again. And again.”

_And again and again and again._

Just never stop.

“I don’t know if that’s-”

“God help me if you say you don’t know if that’s a good idea,” I warned, glaring at him. He snapped his mouth shut, looking torn, with his eyes still so wonderfully bright. I smiled. “I know you want to, and I want you to. So, do it, yeah?”

He was silent for a moment, before he chuckled lowly, in that wonderful way that sent perfect chills down my spine. “Yeah,” he breathed, and then his teeth were at my neck. “But not right now,” he mumbled against my skin.

“Why not?” I whined pathetically.

“Because Ashere, Bekkah, and the others are all next door,” he said. “We could be interrupted. We’ll need an incubation period again. Now isn’t the time.”

I sighed, because he was absolutely right. Now wasn’t the time, but waiting for the right time was agonizing. I wanted this now. I wanted him now. It wasn’t fair. It’d been way too long already. Perhaps on that long awaited vacation…

“We’re having a vacation,” I said. “Soon.”

“That’d be nice,” he admitted with a small nod.

“But you doubt it will happen?” I asked, picking up on the tone of his voice.

He shrugged. “There’s a war. I don’t see us getting time away soon.”

“I do,” I said. “I already told them it was going to fucking happen, so we’re going on a vacation. _Soon_.”

Kieron smirked.

“What?”

He shook his head. “You’re pretty stubborn, you know?”

I smirked. “Yeah, so I’m told. That’s okay, though, right?”

His lips touched my neck and I stiffened, pleasure ready to burst through me. He nipped lightly, then hummed into my skin, leaving my eyes falling shut as I smiled.

_Ring… Ring…_

My eyes opened. The phone was ringing, but I really didn’t care.

Kieron kept biting at my neck, so he didn’t care, either.

_The voicemail will get it._

Eventually it stopped ringing, only to immediately start ringing again.

And after that happened a third time, I sighed and lightly pressed a hand against Kieron’s chest. He growled faintly but then stopped himself and shifted away, knowing I needed to get the phone because whoever it was, was very stubborn. I reluctantly slipped out of bed and into the kitchen to snag the phone from the cradle.

“What?” I all but snapped.

“Terry,” said John.

“Give me one good reason I shouldn’t hang up right now,” I said, beyond irritated. First I was pulled away from Kieron, and now it was John of all people.

John sighed heavily. “Look, I know you hate me or whatever, but I need your help.”

“Too fucking bad.”

“Terry, please, there’s no one else I can turn to about this sort of thing.”

“What sort of thing?” I asked despite my better judgment.

He hesitated. “Screamers,” he breathed.

I closed my eyes. “Tell me,” I murmured.

I didn’t really like John anymore, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t worry. Screamers were a bad sign, and John was close enough to check up on me at the apartment, so there was that to worry about. If they were sniffing around him, then they could potentially find me… and Kieron.

And John was right; I was the only person he could talk to about this.

“I don’t know what they look like to you, but I know what they look like to me,” John all but rambled. “And I swear I’ve seen this guy before, okay – he was there when you were, um… w-when…”

I sighed. “When I was tortured?”

“Yes,” he said weakly.

“Alright. You’re sure?”

“Very sure. I’ll never forget that face.”

“So leave town again.”

“I can’t; Tess is going to school here, and without a ‘good reason’, I can’t make her leave. And she’d never believe me. Try explaining this to Tommy! I mean, it won’t happen.”

“Tommy knows,” I said somewhat smugly.

“He what?”

“He knows,” I repeated. “He found out. I can’t say it wasn’t a shock or anything, but I think he’s better off knowing, in the long run. And Tess is being hunted, too, right? So tell her _something_ , and get her out of town. Or would you rather wait until something happens to her?”

It was a low blow, but one John needed to hear.

“I don’t want anything to happen to her,” he said softly. “She’s my sister, Terry.”

“I know. So get her out of town by any means necessary.”

“How? She has a life here!”

“Then she’ll die here.”

I hated being so cynical, but there was no other way to get through to John right now. And I was already irritated that I was speaking to him instead of spending time with Kieron.

Speaking of Kieron, my perpetual’s warmth pressed against my back as his nose nuzzled into my neck, lips twitching, the prelude to a bite. I sucked in a sharp breath and closed my eyes, struggling to hold in the whine which threatened to emerge because _yes_ , I wanted that so badly…

“Try to convince her,” I said. “And keep an eye on the screamer… or, guy, whatever.”

At the mention of screamer, Kieron’s lips left my neck and I fought back another whine, this one of protest. I turned to face him, catching his inquisitive glance, but I shook my head, gesturing that I’d tell him later. He nodded and stepped away from me, leaning against the wall, watching me with those bright eyes of his.

John sighed heavily. “And if that doesn’t work?”

“Then force her to leave,” I said. “She might be mad at you, but at least she’ll be safe.”

“I guess…”

“Sorry I’m not much help.”

And I was, really; it was just my mind was divided right now, with the fact Kieron was finally back, and the fact I did sort of need to help John since I was the only person he could talk to about these kinds of things.

“It’s okay. Thanks anyway,” he said quietly. “I’ll see what I can do. Can I call you back later, if it doesn’t go well?”

“I guess,” I said, because what else could I say? Tell him no, and leave him on his own? That didn’t seem right. Now that Kieron was back, my sense of empathy seemed to have returned as well.

“Thanks,” he said. “I guess I’ll let you go now…”

“Okay. Bye, John.”

After hanging up, I glanced back at Kieron.

“John?” he asked, quirking a brow at me.

“He, um… he said he thinks he’s being followed by a screamer. He’s back in town.”

“I see,” he said lowly. “And he wants your help again?”

“Kind of. His sister came back for college, and he came back with her so she wouldn’t be alone, and she doesn’t know anything about this; she kind of blacked out the whole memory of being kidnapped and everything, since she was sick the whole time. She has a shitty immune system. Anyway, so… he’s not sure how to get to her to leave without telling her, and he doesn’t know how to tell her, I guess.”

“I see,” Kieron said again.

I sighed. “Are you mad?”

“Why would I be?”

“I don’t know…”

“It’s good you want to help,” he told me. “You wouldn’t be _you_ if he told him to shove it. That doesn’t mean I think this is a good idea, however.”

“What do you mean?”

“Getting involved with John’s problems again. It got you tortured last time.”

I smiled faintly. “Looking out for me?”

He scowled. “Someone has to.”

I chuckled, reaching for him, fingers snagging on his clothes to pull him toward me. “And that’s what I love about you.”

“Oh?”

“Yep. Along with many other things.”

“I see.”

“Where were we?”

He smirked faintly. “You realize we’ve been interrupted a few times now, right? Maybe the universe is trying to tell us something.”

I scowled. “Oh, hush. It’s not stopping us, dammit. You were gone way too long. Never again, do you hear me?”

“Yes,” he said, watching me. “I hear you.”

I nodded, and leaned in, connecting our mouths in a heated kiss.

 


	38. Family and Friends

Chapter Thirty-Eight: Family and Friends

 

“So that’s, er… Perez?”

The hesitation in Kieron’s voice did two very different things to me. First, I smiled because it seemed a little like he was almost shy as he gestured vaguely at the blue rock sitting on the coffee table. Second, I wanted to hurt something. Or someone. Because before he met me, he wasn’t hesitant, and I hated to be the one to change him. He used to be so sure of himself, and now…

“Yes,” I said quietly. “That’s the presence that was in your head. My brother dubbed him ‘Perez’ and it just kind of stuck.”

Hilariously so, too, because I knew Tommy never really intended for it to stick. But it did. It was almost like a joke, but no one was laughing, and no one would really laugh about it in the future.

“Wasn’t this thing in an entire cave or something?” Kieron asked doubtfully, poking at the blue surface of the stone.

Please do not poke me.

He reared back at the voice which seemed to literally come out of nowhere, since there was no warning and no mouth for the rock to actually speak with. Having been around the rock for a while now, I was more used to it; Kieron, on the other hand… well, a surprised Kieron looked rather adorable, to be honest. He stared down at the rock as he chewed on his lower lip, before he sighed.

“Why not?”

I stared at my perpetual. Did he really just ask ‘why not’? As in ‘why do you not want me poking you’? Or maybe I missed something, since I was still too giddy about the fact Kieron was actually _here_. He was back, and that was all that mattered.

Back with me. Here. Safe. _Home_.

Home.

It wasn’t home without him here.

Because home wasn’t a location on a map.

Kieron’s finger poked and prodded at the rock again when Perez didn’t answer. The rock glowed faintly, and he quickly stepped back as I, in turn, hurried toward him should something happen. I was _not_ letting him get possessed again. Never. I would die before that happened.

Do not poke.

Kieron sighed, huffing slightly. “Fine. How do you like your new home?”

It is small, but sufficient.

“That’s good, I guess.”

I frowned at the tone of his voice. “What’s wrong, Kie?”

He shook his head. “Nothing.”

“Tell me.”

He rolled his eyes as I stepped closer to him. His wonderful, glowing eyes I loved so very much…

“He just sounds weird to me. He sounded different in my head, that’s all.”

I frowned again. “Different how?”

“I don’t know, just different.”

I thought about how Perez sounded to me. He sounded a little different now because Kieron’s voice wasn’t mixed in with his own, and he sounded much like he had before we went to Miitha Tiaydh, when he visited my mind instead of possessing my loved ones. He sounded the same, to me.

I apologize for what I have put you through, Kieron.

I stared at the rock for a long moment.

It was… apologizing to Kieron? Why?

“Thanks,” Kieron said somewhat awkwardly. “No, um… No problem.”

I snarled. Too forgiving. I would kill him.

He looked at me, the brightness of his eyes immediately calming me.

I smiled.

He scowled.

“Not this again.”

“Not what again?” I asked.

“Keep control of your emotions, please. I’m still adjusting to you being back in my head, and you’re giving me a migraine.”

I winced. “Sorry.”

“You’re also out of sorts again.”

“What?”

He sighed, frustrated, but where with himself or me or even Perez, I didn’t really know. “Remember when I closed the bond before we went to Miitha Tiaydh?”

I winced again, because I remembered that very, _very_ clearly. The night of our fight. When I thought I lost him because of my stupid mouth. “I’m so sorry, Kieron, you know I-”

Kieron’s hand came up, silencing me, so I snapped my mouth shut and bit down on my bottom lip while he spoke. “I know, I know, stop apologizing. I’m just saying – remember how off you were, then? Couldn’t sit still or anything?”

I swallowed thickly, nodding. Of course I remembered. I kind of felt like that right now. Wait…

“Is… Is that what’s wrong with me?”

“Combined with other things, I’d imagine,” came a new voice from the doorway, and we glanced over to see Bekkah entering the apartment like she owned the place. I threw her a glare but she just ignored it. Instead she kicked off her shoes, patting the rock, and then made her way into the kitchen. “I’m starving! What kind of food do you – ugh, Terry, you gotta go to the store one day.”

I sighed heavily, shoulders sagging. “Yes, Bekkah, come right in and make yourself at home.”

“Already did,” she said cheerily, tossing me a wide grin. “But thanks for telling me!”

Then she looked at Kieron, and her eyes softened.

“How do you feel?”

Kieron scowled, hating being coddled. “I’m fine,” he said. “You know I’m fine! Alona said I’m fine.”

“She’s not exactly the authority on-”

Kieron held up a hand, silencing her mid-rant. It was good to know that move worked on her too, and not just me, or I’d feel silly. “She’s the best authority we have on it right now, and I’m fine. I swear I will punch you if I have to, Bekkah.”

She flashed him a sharp grin. “You can try, Kie-Kie.”

He sighed. “That name is going to be the death of me.”

“Aw, it’s not so bad, right, Terry?”

I smirked and made my way back to Kieron’s side. “Nope. Kie-Kie.”

Kieron threw me a scowl. I smiled back at him. “I hate you,” he said.

“That’s not what you said yesterday,” I reminded him smugly.

He scowled further, and turned away from me.

I laughed, and Bekkah just smiled.

She went back to looking through my cabinets.

I sighed. “What did you mean, that it was only part of it? What’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing’s really _wrong_ with you, exactly,” she said as she rooted through the cabinets. “It’s just not _right_ with you, right now.”

I frowned. “Uh huh… so what’s ‘not right’ with me, then?”

She shrugged. “You had to deal with the drowning sensation for a long time, alone, as a human. Now that your mind isn’t empty anymore, you’re out of sorts because you’re not quite sure what to do with yourself. You want Kieron, but you’re both still re-adjusting to everything, so you try to keep your distance. Am I right?”

I hesitated. Now that I thought about it, she seemed right.

“So it’s like the bond is closed, not sealed, like before Miitha Tiaydh; you’re skittish and can’t sit still. Off-balance. Have sex and fix it.”

My face reddened and burned. I tore my gaze away from her, listening as she snickered.

“Don’t let me stop you from fucking.”

“Bekkah,” Kieron said lowly, “I will kill you.”

“You won’t,” she said dismissively. “Seriously, Terry, where’s the food? Fuck, I’m hungry!”

“We’ll go out to eat,” Kieron suggested.

I nodded quickly, liking this change of subject. “Yes, that. Let’s do that. Are the others coming too?”

“I think Ashere will be joining us,” Bekkah said. “Alona and Dettere are sleeping for now, and Dettere doesn’t enjoy restaurants. Don’t take it personally; he doesn’t like restaurants in Ethereal, either.”

I shrugged. To each their own, I supposed. “Alright, sounds good.”

Kieron and I disappeared into our bedroom to get properly dressed to leave the apartment; we’d been relaxing in sweat pants and large T-shirts to be comfortable, but it was warming up outside and that just wasn’t proper attire to wear to a restaurant. At least, not a nice one, and I wasn’t in the mood for anything akin to fast food. A meal sounded amazing, and for the first time in so very long, I actually craved food. Good food. Steak, even. I hadn’t been hungry in so long… not since Kieron vanished from my mind…

Speaking of my perpetual, I glanced over at him. He was currently tugging on a pair of dark blue jeans, which fit him perfectly. I sighed almost sadly as I watched him fasten and zip the pants, covering what I really wanted. Bekkah was right; we needed to have sex. But Kieron was also right; we had company, so the sex would have to wait until we were alone.

And then he could claim me over and over again, and I would enjoy every minute of it. Every single minute.

I sighed longingly. I couldn’t wait for our vacation.

After we were dressed, we exited the bedroom and found Bekkah and Ashere waiting for us in the living room. The silver-haired perpetual had the keychain for my car keys swinging around his index finger as he made his way toward the door, and I lunged forward, snagging them from him.

“I’m driving,” I said sternly.

Ashere smirked. “You don’t trust my driving? I can’t be any worse than Kieron.”

“I’m an excellent driver,” Kieron said, insulted.

I snickered.

“Girls, you’re both pretty,” Bekkah said, rolling her eyes. “I’m hungry! Let’s go already!”

I led the way out of the apartment and toward my car. It was a tight fit with everyone, including the junk I had in the backseat from when we went to the hotel to play laser tag. Our bags were still in the car. In the chaos that had followed, I’d completely forgotten about it. Now Ashere used the bags as a footrest.

We pulled away from the apartment onto the main road, just as a car pulled into the spot in front of my apartment. I frowned in the rearview mirror, partially turned onto the main road as I brought the car to a halt.

“You’re a terrible driver,” Ashere said. “Why’d we stop?”

“Someone’s at the apartment,” I said quietly, still looking in the rearview mirror. Thankfully no one was coming in either direction of the street, so I didn’t have to worry about moving right then.

Everyone turned in their seats to investigate this car.

The door opened, and out stepped a large man with dark hair.

I swallowed thickly. “Dad…”

“Your father?” Kieron asked sharply. “Since when does he visit you?”

I hadn’t told him about how Dad apologized to me, and that he was making an effort. An honest-to-God effort. It was amazing how people could change.

I put the car into reverse, backing up toward the apartment.

“Aw,” Bekkah complained. “Does that mean no food?”

Ashere elbowed her in the ribs and she promptly shut her mouth.

I parked the car as Dad turned to face my vehicle, standing just in front of the apartment door. I drew in a shaky breath and got out of the car, closing the door behind me, before I rounded the vehicle and moved toward my father. His eyes widened and his arms opened, a move I was familiar with from my childhood.

‘Hug me’, the look said.

And I wanted to. So badly.

But I hesitated.

 ** _Do it,_** Kieron said in my mind, clearly knowing what I wanted, like always.

And I did it. I pushed into my father’s arms and they came around me in a warm, solid hug, just like the ones I used to get as a kid. Warm and safe and solid. He squeezed me tightly and I drew in another shaky breath. Even after all these years, he still smelled the same. Like Dad’s house, which used to be home. Somewhere in the back of my mind, it would always be home. My first home.

“Terrence,” my father said gruffly, and I shivered at the familiarity. A million memories ran through my mind of when I was a child. He never called me Terry. He always liked to use our given names, despite what Mom said. Mom always called us Tommy and Terry, but to Dad we were always Thomas and Terrence. Being called Terrence, in that voice, brought back the nostalgia.

I almost forgot Kieron was in the car, but he was warm in my mind and there was no real way anything could ever overshadow that.

I pulled away from my father, smiling at him. “I want you to meet someone.”

He blinked slowly, and then looked back toward the car. “Who?”

I just grinned.

_Kieron, come here._

**_… I don’t know about that._ **

_Just come here, you stupid idiot._

**_That’s a little redundant._ **

_I want you to meet my father._

**_No offence, but I’ve seen your memories of him. They weren’t very happy._ **

I scowled, because he was right. He probably saw the ones of when he attempted to convince me my love for my own gender was merely a phase, and I’d be into girls again very soon. He probably saw our last big fight, and he knew we hadn’t spoken in years. To him, I was springing this on him rather suddenly, because he didn’t know that Dad showed up while I was in the hospital. He didn’t know Dad had dinner with me while Kieron was… missing.

He didn’t know.

 _Trust me,_ I said softly.

And he did.

A moment later, the car door opened and Kieron stepped out, eying my father somewhat suspiciously as he moved toward us.

“Dad,” I said happily, “this is Kieron.”

Dad’s eyes widened again. “Kieron Archer?”

I nodded. That was the fake last name I’d given my perpetual, since perpetuals didn’t have last names. “Yep, this is Kie. He’s back.”

_He’s back. He’s back._

A part of me still wasn’t used to this idea. A part of me feared his was all a dream and I’d wake up any minute now, and be alone again.

Kieron stopped just in front of us. I moved to stand next to my perpetual, both of us facing my father now. Dad looked Kieron up and down, before he glanced at me, then back at Kieron. He opened his mouth, then shut it again. Opened it, closed it.

I swallowed thickly, nervousness flooding through me.

Telling me he accepted Kieron was one thing; actually seeing Kieron and accepting him was another.

_Please don’t quit on me now, Dad…_

I’d been without my father too long already. I thought I was fine with that, but there was this hole inside me only Dad could fill. He was my parent, and I loved him. I’d always loved him, even when I couldn’t stand him.

Maybe I wasn’t ready to admit that before, but I was now.

Finally, Dad smiled and held out his hand. “Hello, Kieron.”

Kieron eyed the hand momentarily, then reached out and shook it. “Hello, sir,” he said politely, which made Dad’s smile grow wider.

“Manners, I see. That’s good.” Dad’s gaze slid toward me. “Why didn’t you tell us he was back, Terrence? Lacy has been worried sick.”

I winced. I wondered if Tommy told Lacy Kieron was back yet. Probably not, I surmised, or they would be here.

“I just, um… he just got back,” I said softly. “I wasn’t… It’s all been a little overwhelming.”

That, at least, wasn’t a lie. It was all very overwhelming.

“I just needed some time to adjust before I told them. Lacy would want to kidnap us immediately.”

All very true.

Dad chuckled faintly. “True, but you have to tell her. She’s very worried.”

“Worried?” Kieron echoed with a frown.

I winced as Dad frowned. “Worried about you,” I clarified.

“Why?”

“What do you mean, why?” Dad asked.

Kieron shifted uneasily.

I sighed. “Kieron’s not used to people caring about him.” I glared at my perpetual. “But we’re working on it. Right, Kie?”

He frowned, but nodded.

“Right…” Dad said slowly. “Lacy was telling me something about that…”

“Everything okay?” Bekkah called, sticking her head out the back passenger window to look at us.

Dad blinked at her. “Who is that?”

“Bekkah,” I said quickly. “She’s a friend; she works with Kieron, in the Marines. Right, Kie?”

Kieron nodded.

“She’s also very impatient,” I said, giving Bekkah an evil look, which left her rolling her eyes and ducking back inside the car. “She’s, um… hungry. We were just, um… going to eat.”

Dad blinked at me for a moment. “I can go, if you want.”

I shook my head. “No, no, it’s okay, Dad. You don’t have to go.”

Kieron made this noise, suddenly. Like a choked back snort. I glanced at him.

 _What?_ I asked.

**_Bekkah said ‘yes he fucking does, I’m hungry, dammit’._ **

I smirked faintly, and then refocused on Dad. “Erm… Do you wanna go eat with us?”

He shook his head. “That’s okay, Son. I just wanted to check up on you. I’ll let you get back to your friends.”

I nodded.

“I’m going to tell Lacy and Tommy Kieron is back, though. They deserve to know.”

I nodded again, even though Tommy already knew, and had agreed to keep it from Lacy for at least a day or two, while I spent time with Kieron. Sadly our alone time had been interrupted, and we couldn’t have sex with company. I sighed.

“I do expect a meal together soon, though,” Dad said, eying me.

I smirked and nodded once more. “All right, Dad. Sounds good. We’ll invite Tommy and Lacy, too.”

He nodded, pulled me into a tight hug, and then made his way back toward his car. I watched him climb inside and pull away, before I glanced at Kieron, who was watching me carefully.

I swallowed. “What?”

He shook his head. “Nothing. I just feel like I missed something.”

I took in a breath. “Dad apologized while I was, erm… While you were gone. We had dinner together, and spoke for a bit. We… I think we’re good now.”

Kieron nodded slowly. “Are you happy?”

I blinked, but nodded all the same. “Yeah, Kieron. I’m really happy,” I said, smiling, because that was completely true. I had Kieron back, and my father was back in my life as well. Things couldn’t be better.

He nodded again and then turned to head back toward the car. I watched him for a moment, before I followed after him.

And then finally we were on the road again.

xXx

After we ate, we returned to the apartment exhausted. It had been a long time since we were actually in a crowd of people, and it had been a while since I’d been so hungry. Kieron seemed to feel the same, and now we were in a sort of food coma. All we needed to do was lay down and sleep for a year. Ashere and Bekkah returned to the apartment next door, and Kieron and I returned to our own apartment.

Our apartment. It felt so nice thinking that. It was _our_ apartment again, not just _mine_. Nothing was just _mine_ , it was _ours_ , and that was the way it should have been all along.

Sadly, we didn’t get to take a nap.

Not five minutes after we got home, there was a rapid knock on the door. Kieron’s eyes narrowed until he shot me a semi-panicked look. Who was at the door to give him that look?

“Kie?” I asked worriedly.

“She’s going to hug me, isn’t she?”

I paused, blinking at him, and then smirked. “Lacy and Tommy?” I guessed.

He nodded slowly.

I laughed. He knew Lacy had been worried about him, and now she was going to hug the life out of him and scold him for disappearing. I left the bedroom to answer the door, as the knocking grew louder. There would be no avoiding this. At least Tommy gave me a day with Kieron to myself, even if we couldn’t have sex or anything. But that was okay because our relationship wasn’t only about sex.

He was back in my mind, and that was more than enough for now.

On my way to the door I passed by the coffee table, and the blue rock sitting on it. I sighed and snagged the varrite, taking it back into my room.

Why move me now?

“Sorry,” I said, handing the stone to Kieron, who scowled at the blue rock as he accepted it, keeping it away from the rest of his body as though it were diseased. “Put that – erm, _him_ – somewhere, please?”

He nodded, and I left the room once more.

By the time I made it back to the door, the doorknob was twisting. It opened before I got to it, and in came Lacy and Tommy. Tommy at least looked apologetic at having entered without permission, but Lacy immediately smiled at me and enveloped me in a tight, rib-crushing hug.

“Terry!” she said happily. “Is it true? Kieron’s back?”

“Yes,” I breathed, which was actually difficult due to her tight hug, “he’s back.”

_He’s back._

I couldn’t stop the big, goofy smile from overtaking my face.

“Oh! That’s wonderful!” Lacy gushed, finally releasing me and letting me breathe again. “Where is he?”

“Bedroom,” I said, and realized I could give Kieron an out if I just said he was sleeping, and was exhausted. Which was probably true, actually; he was probably tired, being locked out of his own body for so long. But already Lacy was moving around me, toward the bedroom. For all she knew he could be naked in there, but she didn’t seem to care.

Kieron met her at the door, seemingly knowing she was approaching. She squealed and flung herself at him, wrapping her arms around him in a tight, bone-crushing hug similar to mine. Kieron stood there awkwardly for a long moment, before his arms stiffly came around her as well. I would have to hug him more often, I told myself. He needed to be used to hugs.

“Kieron!” she gushed as she hugged him. “You’re back! I knew you’d come back! Are you okay? What happened? Where have you been? When did you get back? How long-”

“Lacy,” Tommy laughed, “breathe.”

Lacy stopped her tirade of questions and pulled back sheepishly. “Oh, um, sorry,” she said. “I just, um… I’m so happy you’re back!”

She was practically bounding on her feet, she was so excited.

Kieron looked so confused about it, too, looking for me for guidance.

I smiled sadly. I’d have to get him used to that, too.

To people worrying about him, and enjoying his company, and being happy he was okay, and that he was back.

“So are you okay?” Lacy asked, oblivious to Kieron’s unease.

“I’m fine,” Kieron said in his typical manner.

“Bullshit,” Lacy said. “You’re pale. Have you been sleeping? What am I saying? Of course you haven’t, you’ve been missing!”

I blinked. Kieron was pale? Well, yes, now that I thought about it, he was. But that was probably because Perez had been kept indoors for a while, when he was Kieron, and before that Kieron had been rather timid in leaving the apartment, so he lost more of his tan. He was steadily becoming a pale person. He was tan when we met despite the fact he liked traveling at night; it was obvious he did his fair share of work in the sunlight, too. Then he was stabbed with that poisoned blade and he’d never really regained his tan afterward, and now it was worse.

I hadn’t really noticed so much because I kept seeing him even when he was Perez. Lacy, on the other hand, hadn’t seen him in a while. The whole time he’d been ‘gone’, trapping inside his head. So maybe it made sense she noticed. To her the change was apparent, while I watched it gradually happen little by little to the point I didn’t really notice, and I suddenly felt guilty about that.

“I’m okay,” Kieron said, answering Lacy but looking at me, clearly picking up on my thoughts. I swallowed.

_Are you sure?_

**_I’m fine, human._ **

I nodded even though it looked crazy. Thankfully Lacy was focused on Kieron, but Tommy gave me a sideways glance. I smiled sheepishly at him.

“What happened?” Lacy asked, and then frowned. “It’s probably classified, isn’t it?”

Kieron nodded, accepting the excuse given to him. “Sorry,” he said.

She sighed, clearly pouting. “Well… fine. But you’re safe now, and that’s all that matters.”

Kieron looked out of place again.

I moved toward him, stopping at his side. “Not that we’re not happy to see you guys, but we just got back from eating and it’s been a long, er… a long day. A long few days.”

A long few weeks. A long month. A long few months.

A long year.

Lacy sighed. “I understand,” she said. “I just wanted to see for myself that everything was okay.” Then she punched me in the arm. It was so sudden for a moment I couldn’t comprehend what just happened. “That’s for not telling me Kieron was back, you jerk! I was worried sick!”

“I’m sorry,” I said, rubbing my arm tenderly. “I just… it all happened very fast, and suddenly Kie was back, and…”

“I understand,” she said. “But we like Kieron too so you can’t hog him to yourself all the time, you jerk.”

I scowled. “I wasn’t hogging him.”

“You kind of were,” Tommy said.

I shot my brother a glare. _Not helping!_

“How about we all get together tomorrow and go eat or something?” Lacy suggested.

I nodded. “Okay, sure, sounds good.”

There was no way I could refuse, after all. Not when she looked at me so hopefully, and I’d already kept Kieron’s reappearance from her.

She smiled happily. “Great! We’ll see you tomorrow. Take care of your boyfriend, Terry.”

“I will,” I promised.

She and Tommy took their leave, and Kieron promptly swatted at the back of my head, leaving me frowning at him.

“What is this, pick on Terry day?”

He scowled. “Going to ‘take care’ of me, huh?”

I scowled back. “Oh, hush, you. What else was I supposed to say? And I like taking care of you,” I admitted.

His scowl deepened. “I’m fine.”

I shrugged. “Doesn’t matter.”

He shook his head. “I’m fine.”

“Are you?” I asked, and was a little shocked at the seriousness in my tone.

_Are you okay? Are you lying to me? Are you truly ‘fine’?_

Kieron’s expression flattened.

I swallowed thickly. “K-Kie…?”

His fingers curled around my wrist and yanked me toward him so suddenly I staggered into him and his warm, solid chest. Then his lips were on my own in a light, tender kiss which was just so very unlike him. He could be tender, sure, but it was usually more passionate and dominating than anything. I wasn’t complaining, though. I definitely was not complaining.

His lips left my mouth, then, only to connect with the sensitive skin of my neck, and I gasped as I slid closer to him, little bursts of pleasure shooting behind my eyes. My fingers wrapped into the fabric of his shirt as I all but clung to him, eager to get closer, desperate to get closer…

Desperate for more.

_Kieron, please…_

He pulled away, and I suppressed a whine as he did so, barely managing to catch it in time.

“See?” he said, smirking at me. “I’m fine.”

I scowled. “Oh, you play dirty,” I said.

“It works, doesn’t it?”

“Not really, because you’re my boyfriend and I can worry about you if I want to.”

He scowled. “You don’t have to worry about me all the time. I don’t like it when you’re worried.”

I blinked at him, and he blinked as well, clearly not intending to tell me that much. I swallowed, because it was like before all over again – him telling me things, because he didn’t have his ‘filter’ anymore… and a part of me liked it, and a part of me was just so worried… Was he having a relapse of some kind?

“Are you sure you’re okay?” I asked somewhat thickly.

He sighed heavily. “Human, I swear to you, _I’m fine_. You’ll be the first to know the minute that changes.”

I sighed, nodding slowly. If something was really wrong, the bond would know, right? And he wouldn’t hide it from me; not when it concerned his mind and the bond. He’d always tell me if it concerned the bond, because it was a direct link to me. Self-sacrificing idiot.

“I love you,” I said softly.

He smiled faintly. “You keep saying that.”

“I know,” I said. “And I’ll keep saying it. That okay with you?”

His lips met my own again in a heated kiss.

He broke apart a moment later, looking me in the eye. “Yes, human,” he said softly, “that’s fine with me.”

xXx

Dinner with Tommy and Lacy turned out to be a family get-together, as Dad showed up as well, along with little Amanda. In the chaos of the past few months, a part of me had completely forgotten the fact Lacy was pregnant. She’d told me I was going to be an uncle again. She was starting to show now, in the clothes she wore; she was a few months along. Soon I would have another niece or nephew. Eying the slight baby bump visible only because of the tight clothes she wore, I couldn’t help but grin widely, so much so that Kieron elbowed me in the ribs.

“You’re staring,” he chided.

I smiled. “Do you know the gender yet?” I asked my sister-in-law.

Lacy grinned back at me, rubbing her baby bump proudly. “Not yet,” she said. “We go in two weeks for an ultrasound and learn the sex. I’m excited!”

“That’s great,” Dad said proudly, smiling warmly at her. “Hoping for another girl?”

“We don’t really care what the gender is,” Lacy said. “But a boy would be nice. I can’t wait to embarrass him in front of his crushes.”

She was careful not to say ‘girlfriends’ or ‘boyfriends’, leaving it open that she didn’t mind which gender he preferred. My smile grew.

“And then Amanda gets to be a big sister, yes she does,” Lacy baby-talked my niece. She cooed in response, smiling happily. She could say a few words but seemed to prefer cooing. I didn’t mind; it was adorable. “You’ll like that, won’t you, baby girl?”

Amanda giggled at her mom’s voice as Lacy poked her on the nose. Amanda’s little hands reached out and grasped Lacy’s index finger as she continued giggling in that adorable way only little kids could do. I smiled at the scene, feeling better than I had in so very long.

I was surrounded by my family, and Kieron was back, both physically and in my mind.

Life couldn’t possibly get any better.

Well… it _could_ , if we could get our vacation _right now_ and he spent the whole time claiming me… That would be pretty awesome.

“So, Kieron,” Dad said after we ordered our food, “tell me a little about yourself.”

Kieron stiffened and shot me a quick glance. I smiled encouragingly.

 _I’ll stick with whatever you say,_ I assured him.

He sighed, looking back at my dad. “There’s really not much to tell,” he said vaguely. “I’m in the Marines, I have a sister named Kleo who I see very rarely, I’m not on good terms with my parents…”

All of this was what Dad already knew, basically, but he listened as Kieron spoke.

Kieron shifted uneasily, seemingly struggling to think of what to say next, before he shrugged. “Not much to say, that’s pretty much it.”

“So modest,” Lacy said with a grin.

Kieron frowned.

I chuckled. “Kieron’s not used to all the attention, you’ll have to forgive him.”

Dad nodded slowly. “Terry tells me you saved his life the first time you two met.”

Kieron shifted again. “Um, well, technically, yeah.”

“So modest,” Lacy said again, laughing.

“He did save me,” I clarified, glancing at Kieron.

_Right, Kie?_

He sighed. “Right, yeah, I guess I did.”

“And you say you have been together for two years?” Dad asked.

I nodded instantly. “Yeah, that’s right.”

“When is your anniversary?” Lacy asked suddenly, and Kieron and I shared a look.

Neither of us knew how to answer that. Neither of us knew when, exactly, we _got together_.

I blurted out a random date. “November 18th.”

“Oh!” Lacy said, smiling. “Congratulations! You should have told us sooner and we would have done something last year!”

I shrugged. “It’s, um… no big deal.”

Lacy scowled at me. “Terry, anniversaries are a big deal. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

“It’s true,” Tommy sighed. “I once thought they were ‘no big deal’ and had to sleep on the couch for a week because of it.”

I snickered at the mental image. “Okay, okay, big deal, then. Yeah, November 18th.”

November 18th.

Our anniversary.

It didn’t matter if it wasn’t true, it was now our anniversary, and I made a mental note to circle the date on my calendar and make sure we did something special this year. Since neither of us were quite certain _when_ we got together, November 18 th was as good a date as any.

November 18th.

I couldn’t stop smiling.

 


	39. Confidence

Chapter Thirty-Nine: Confidence

 

“No.”

“Excuse me?”

“No, we’re not going.”

The words came so easily to me, and they were out before I could think about the consequences. Kieron stood next to me, watching me silently. I could feel his eyes on me even if I was focusing on Ashere right now. The silver-haired perpetual watched me with a frown, with Bekkah scowling at me next to him. We were all standing in the middle of my living room; the apartment had felt so crowded lately. Nearly a week since Kieron had been brought back to himself, since he’d regained control of his body and the bond was re-formed, and through it all, my apartment was never empty.

Maybe that was what gave me strength here. My apartment was never empty, and I’d had enough of all the interruptions.

And now they wanted us to return to Ethereal for more speeches.

_Fuck the speeches._

“This isn’t really a ‘yes or no’ conversation, Terry,” Bekkah explained calmly while Ashere continued to frown at me.

I shrugged. “We aren’t going. But you guys, you should go back to Ethereal. Leave us here for a bit.”

_I want our vacation._

Ashere scrubbed a hand over his face, sighing heavily.

Bekkah scowled again. “I know you two want to have a vacation, Terry, but now isn’t the time. There’s a war happening right now, and the Etherians needs to know you’re on their side.”

“How many speeches am I going to have to give?” I snapped, glaring at her. “That’s all I ever do is give speeches!”

“And it’s helping,” Ashere cut in, speaking up for the first time since I said no. “I know it doesn’t seem like it, but it is. They need to know you’re on their side, and if the speeches help do that, then…”

I shook my head. “I’m tired of speeches.”

“No one likes giving speeches,” Bekkah told me. “But nothing’s easy right now. This is war; you’re not _supposed_ to like it. Get over it.”

I glared at her. “Yeah, I’ll get right on that, thanks,” I muttered. “Look – all of this has happened very fast and I’m still adjusting. _We’re_ still adjusting.” I gestured between myself and Kieron. “Give us a break. You said we could have a vacation.”

“Actually,” Bekkah said with a stern look at me, “we never said that. _You_ decided it on your own. We said we’d see what we could do. You’re needed in Ethereal right now.”

“I’m always going to be needed in Ethereal,” I sighed, shaking my head once more. Why couldn’t they just understand? “I’m just asking for a _break_ , that’s all. I’m not quitting, but a lot has happened very fast and…”

“We understand,” Bekkah said. “But this is war, Terry, and it waits for no one. Maybe when it’s over…”

My eyes narrowed as anger ignited within me. “ _When it’s over_ might never happen. And we might all be dead. What then? We need to take a break while we can, Bekkah.”

Thinking of our potential upcoming demise was not something I wanted to, but I had given it a bit of thought recently. The walls in the Caverns of Knowledge said that we could only beat Exrie once he thought he’d won… and I was still worried about what that actually meant. When would Exrie believe he won? When we were all dead? When Kieron was dead? When he captured us? Made me bond with him?

Just thinking about it left me breathless. I didn’t have such anxiety problems in the past, but recently they’d definitely become a problem. They were much better now that Kieron was back with me, but I still became overwhelmed easily. I wondered if that would go away or if it was just something I would have to get used to.

Ashere and Bekkah shared a quick look. I looked away from them, instead focusing on Kieron, who stood next to me silently, blue eyes watching me carefully.

“What do you think?” I asked softly.

“A break sounds nice,” he admitted quietly. “But Ashere is right. We’re at war.”

“All the more reason to relax while we can,” I said helplessly. I knew Kieron was torn; he was duty-bound to do his job, and that included fighting in the war and doing everything he could for the Etherians and perpetuals. But he also wanted a break just like I did.

We desperately needed a break from everything. A vacation.

“Just a few more speeches,” Ashere said, dragging my attention back toward him. “And then we’ll see about a break. How long did you want?”

How long of a break did I want?

_Does eternity count?_

I just wanted to get away from everything and never come back.

“A month,” I blurted. “Or two.”

That should be a sufficient amount of time to relax and recharge enough to be ready to deal with everything again. Just a break… that was all I wanted…

Time away with Kieron.

“That’s a long time,” Ashere said uncertainly, chewing on his bottom lip. “I don’t know if you can be away that long.”

“Make it happen,” I snapped. “The war will still be there when we get back.”

“It’s not just about you,” Ashere said, scowling at me. “The longer this continues, the more people suffer. We need to deal with this now.”

“Alright, then how do you propose we end this war? Because as of right now I can’t think of anything, and I see no end in sight,” I said. “So we need a vacation to clear our heads.”

He sighed heavily, but didn’t argue further. My anger dissipated slightly.

“This is my last round of speeches for a while,” I muttered, watching them, making sure they knew I was serious. “Then we’re going on a vacation. A _long_ one.”

xXx

Lacy wasn’t happy about us leaving. She said Kieron just got back; why did we have to leave? I told them we were visiting some of Kieron’s friends out of town and that we’d be back soon, though I gave no definitive amount of time, since I didn’t know that myself.

I had no idea how long we would be in Ethereal this time. All I knew was, after it was over, we were going on a vacation. I hadn’t told this to Lacy and Tommy yet; they might invite themselves along, and declining them would be difficult, yet vital. I needed pure alone time with Kieron. That was all I wanted. Was that so wrong?

We returned to Ethereal on a cloudy, rainy day. Even in Ethereal, things looked bleak. I hoped it wasn’t a prelude to how the speeches would go; I needed things to go smoothly so we could be done quickly and get to our vacation. It was all I could think about these days – time away from everything with Kieron. Just the two of us, safe and alone and happy somewhere, without having to worry about the war and everything… Even if it was only for a short time, a vacation was still needed. I was serious about the length I wanted, though. I wanted to be alone with Kieron for at _least_ a month. I thought we deserved it after all the crap we had been through since we bonded. A vacation was long overdue.

Dettere was no longer traveling with us. Neither was Bekkah, surprisingly. Bekkah had followed Dettere away the day before we actually left for Ethereal. He claimed there was business which needed his attention, and Bekkah agreed to tag along just in case he ran into trouble. Dettere could take care of himself, I knew; he’d shown that when we were all attacked and Bekkah and Alona were nearly killed. Yet, having two fighters was much better than one, and I could understand his caution.

It felt weird, having to give speeches without Bekkah, though. She’d always been there when I gave a speech before – both her and Ashere. I hadn’t realize how much I’d relied on their presence, and taken comfort in it, until it was gone.

We entered a small town after a few hours of walking. Once upon a time my feet would have been aching and blistered, but now they were more than used to the long walks. There were apparently modes of transportation in Ethereal, but we never used them. Etherians did, but perpetuals typically weren’t accepted in the cities before the war started, and thus we always just walked everywhere. I was fine with it now.

The house we would be staying in was huge. It was two-stories tall, and rather large all around. The living room could probably fit my whole apartment in it. The master bedroom was given to me and Kieron, and as soon as I saw the large canopy bed I grinned like an idiot.

I liked my bed at home, of course; but this one looked so comfortable and big, and I had a canopy bed in my early teenage years. It brought back memories. I sat on the edge of the bed and bounced a few times, grinning the whole time even as Kieron quirked a brow at me.

“Are you done?” he asked.

“Come bounce with me.”

“Not happening.”

I chuckled, and finally stopped bouncing. I patted the bed next to me. “Come sit with me, then.”

He nodded, and dropped his duffel on the floor at the foot of the bed before he took his seat next to me. As soon as he sat on the soft yet firm mattress, he paused, shifting his weight a little, before a slow smile lit his face. “The bed is actually comfortable.”

“It is,” I agreed. “When we have our vacation, we need to make sure we have an amazingly comfortable bed.”

“Vacation,” Kieron echoed, looking at me. “I’ve never had a vacation. What do I have to do?”

I winced. “You don’t have to _do_ anything, Kie, that’s why it’s a _vacation_. You just relax and get away from everything. The whole point is to unwind. Don’t worry – I’ll teach you how to have fun.”

He scowled at me. I smiled back. He sighed. “Fine,” he said.

I nodded. “Where do you want to go for our vacation?”

He shrugged, shifting his weight again. “I don’t know. I’m not that familiar with the ‘fun, relaxing spots’.”

I nodded. I was an idiot. “Oh, right, sorry. Yeah, okay, I guess I’ll pick where we go. How about a place with a pool? We could go to the beach!”

Kieron’s nose wrinkled into this adorable scowl.

“What? You don’t like the beach?” I asked around a laugh.

He huffed. “I don’t appreciate sand everywhere.”

I couldn’t stop the laugh this time. “I see, Kie-Kie. Don’t worry, I’ll be there to clean you off.”

He snorted.

I grinned. “I can’t wait, can you?”

He shrugged slowly. He’d probably never had a vacation before.

I planned to make our vacation special. Very, very special.

But first we had to get through these speeches.

“I want you out there with me this time,” I said quietly.

Kieron frowned. “Out where?”

“On the porch with me, or wherever I’m giving the speech,” I told him. “You’re always inside, but your eyes aren’t glowing anymore and you’re in control. So you can be out there with me, right?”

He shifted uneasily. “I don’t know, human.”

“They won’t try anything,” I told him. “And if they do, then they aren’t getting my help.”

“Human…”

“I’m serious! I’ve had to leave you inside the whole time, Kieron. They know I’m bonded to you, and you’re in control now, so what’s the problem?”

“Knowing you’re bonded to me and seeing me are two completely different things,” Kieron said softly. “Maybe if you hadn’t advertised that I was animalistic…”

“What, so they can’t accept you because you’re animalistic?” I asked, a spark of red reigniting my anger at the issue. Why did everyone have such a problem with animalistic perpetuals? Once upon a time they might have been a problem, but Kieron wasn’t dangerous. At least, not to those who didn’t deserve it. He wasn’t like those animalistic perpetuals in the past. He wasn’t like those who actually _deserved_ to get thrown into the Lake. Why could no one see that?

“It’s not as black and white as you’re making it out to be.”

“Then explain it to me,” I said.

He sighed heavily, bowing his head somewhat. “They aren’t going to listen to a thing you have to say about me – not when they know I’m animalistic. They won’t say anything directly because they are wary of you and your abilities even if they haven’t personally seen it in action. But you might lose their trust if you start showing me off. I appreciate your tenacity, Terry, but it can only go so far.”

I frowned, watching him. “Then they aren’t getting my help.”

Blue eyes snapped back toward me, narrowed into small, calculating slits. “You can’t deny them help just because they don’t like me.”

“Yes, I can. I will.”

If they had such a problem with Kieron, then they obviously didn’t need my help as much as they thought. Kieron was a part of me – a very vital part. My abilities were connected to him; without him, I had no power. Didn’t they understand this? Because of this, he would have to be there with me all the time. I wanted him with me all the time. They were either going to have to accept it, or ignore me entirely. I hated that I was the cause of this war and I wanted to help make things right, but I refused to push Kieron aside just because they didn’t like him. They didn’t even _know_ him.

“Be reasonable,” Kieron urged.

“No. Either you come out there with me or I’m not doing this anymore. They’re going to have to get used to you – my powers are _connected_ to you!”

Kieron frowned briefly, before he nodded. “I’ll go out there with you,” he said softly. “But at the first sign of trouble, I’m leaving. They’ll listen to you better without me there.”

I scowled at him, but at least he’d agreed to accompany me, which was more than I could say for the last few times. “Fine,” I muttered.

xXx

_I hate speeches._

There was a fairly large crowd waiting for me outside the next day. I couldn’t really see familiar faces as I didn’t know anyone that well, not with all the speeches I’d already given, but I knew a lot of them were the same from what Ashere told me. They knew who I was, so I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say, and the silver-haired perpetual wasn’t much help in that regard.

I took in a slow breath. “Hello, everyone,” I said quietly, and then cleared my throat before trying again, speaking a little louder. “Hi. I’m Terry, the human, if you haven’t heard yet. How many of you have heard me speak?”

A bunch raised their hands. Some did not.

I sighed. “Alright, well, for those of you who don’t know, I was apparently foretold. I’m here to help stop Exrie, who has gained control of the Lake, the last we heard. He has also destroyed Miitha Tiaydh.”

A few gasps. Some of them did not know about this.

“He is a threat to everyone. I do have abilities, but I must warn you, they are connected to my perpetual. I’m bonded to an animalistic perpetual. Does anyone have a problem with that?”

A few murmurs and scowls. I glared until they fell silent.

“Good. Kieron, could you come out here, please?”

I knew he could heard me. He was waiting just inside the house, on the other side of the door.

_Kieron, c’mon._

**_I don’t think that’s a good idea._ **

_Kieron! Get out here!_

There was a pause, and I wondered if he was going to back out of our deal. Then, finally, the door opened and out stepped my perpetual, wearing a hood, his gaze downcast. I smiled at him and grabbed his arm, yanking him up to stand next to me before I looked out over the crowd.

“This is Kieron,” I told them. “My bond-mate.”

More murmurs and scowls.

“We’re expected to believe our _savior_ is bonded to this _disgrace_?” someone spat.

Anger ignited instantly, leaving me growling despite the feel of Kieron’s fingers wrapping around my wrist. “He is not a _disgrace_ ,” I snapped despite the tightening of said fingers around my wrist, clearly warning me to calm down. “If you don’t want my fucking help, then I’m leaving. But if you _do_ want my help, then you’re going to get used to him, do you hear me? I know you’ve heard bad things about animalistic perpetuals in the past, but I can assure you, Kieron is not dangerous _unless you provoke him_.”

“And we’re just supposed to trust you?” someone else called out. I couldn’t tell who spoke, but it was from the other side of the crowd. They were lucky I couldn’t zero in on them.

“Human,” Kieron said quietly.

I shook him off. “If you don’t trust me, then why am I here?” I shot a look across the porch at Ashere, who stood staring at me. “Huh? Why am I here if they don’t trust me? And I’m just supposed to trust _them_?” I glanced back at the crowd. “It’s a two-way street. I’m done.”

With that I walked back into the house and slammed the door shut behind me, my skin itching and burning even though I knew Kieron wasn’t in danger. Despite their hatred of him, they wouldn’t just outright attack him on the porch, I knew. Still, their words cut at me. Kieron just stood there and took it like he always did. He knew they didn’t like him. It was like paying for the hotel all over again – with those ‘favors’, and that purple liquid.

I ran my hands down my arms, attempting to brush the feeling away. Kieron was not in danger. I was just angry. Angry because of their contempt for him. Kieron wasn’t dangerous to them. He wasn’t a cruel perpetual like the animalistic ones were in the past. He was in control; he was _fine_. Why couldn’t they see that?

**_Human…_ **

_Sorry. I’m sorry. I’ll… I’ll be back in a minute, just… let me cool down. My arms are itching._

**_It’s the aggressor in you._ **

_Yeah. I know. Sorry. I didn’t… I didn’t mean to make you have to hear them talk like that._

**_I’m used to it._ **

I scowled, biting down on my lower lip. _I know. And you shouldn’t be. It’s wrong._

**_You can’t change hundreds of years of thinking._ **

He had a point, I realized. I hadn’t thought about it that way. Hundreds of years. For centuries, they’d thought animalistic perpetuals destroyed, locked away in the Lake. Secretly, a few animalistic perpetuals like Kieron had been left out of the Lake, deemed ‘worthy’ to survive alongside the others, able to prioritize and control their urges. I couldn’t change that overnight.

But I had told them I was bonded to an animalistic perpetual. They hadn’t reacted this harshly then. Then again, hearing about him and seeing him were two entirely different things. But they were going to have to get used to him if they wanted my help. I wasn’t going to do this without him. Not anymore. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.

The door opened and closed. I glanced up to meet dark blue eyes.

“I’m sorry,” I said softly, scratching faintly at my arms. The burning sensation was dying away, but still felt strange, like my skin was crawling.

“You should probably apologize to Ashere instead,” Kieron said. “He’s out there trying to calm them down.”

I shrugged. “Fuck them.”

Blue eyes narrowed. “You don’t mean that. You’re just angry.”

“I do,” I said. “I do mean that. If they can’t accept you, then they obviously don’t need my help.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Why not? I’m not asking them to accept _all_ animalistic perpetuals – just _you_. I’m bonded to you; they have to get used to you! I’m not… I can’t do this without you anymore, okay?”

His expression softened slightly. A sigh escaped his lips. “You were fine before, on your own,” he said softly. “What changed?”

I blinked. “What do you mean?”

“You used to be independent,” he murmured, looking away. “What’s changed?”

I winced. “I love you. I don’t… I can’t…”

“So I’ve changed you.”

“It’s not a bad thing, Kieron.”

He shrugged, gaze focused on the ground.

“Hey, Kie, look at me,” I said softly, stepping closer to him.

He stepped back. “You should probably get back out there.”

I shook my head. “No, not until you listen to me. Look at me.”

The door opened again. “Terry, what the hell was that? You need to get back out there and reassure them that you’re on their side before you cause a riot!”

I had the power to create a riot, I realized dimly.

It didn’t matter. All I could think about was that look on Kieron’s face. Now he stood facing away from me, having looked toward Ashere as the perpetual entered the house. I stepped forward again. Kieron stepped away, keeping the same amount of distance between us.

Panic unfurled in my chest, sudden and consuming.

“No,” I whispered, staring at my perpetual. “Please.”

_I can’t have this distance, Kieron. Please._

I couldn’t deal with this right now, no so soon after I got him back.

The overwhelming emptiness of before slithered through my mind. I choked on my breath.

“What’s going on?” Ashere asked, confused.

“Nothing,” Kieron said briskly. “Take Terry back out there. Maybe they’ll listen better if I’m not there.”

“No,” I said, but there was little air behind the words, and I was easily ignored.

_Kieron, please, I don’t understand…_

Ashere hesitated, but finally nodded. “Very well. Come on, Terry. Kieron will wait here. You have to get back out there. You said you’d talk to them.”

“Fuck them,” I said quickly, once I managed to find my voice, my gaze forever focused on Kieron and the way he wouldn’t _look at me_. “They don’t want my help. If they can’t accept Kieron, then fuck them.”

“I told you it was a bad idea,” Kieron said.

_Look at me, Kieron. Look at me!_

“Enough of this,” Ashere snapped. “I don’t know what’s going on between you two, but Terry, you really need to get back out there before you cause a riot! They aren’t going to change their minds about Kieron overnight. It’s going to take time. They’ve seen him; that’s enough for now.”

But it wasn’t. It wasn’t enough, because Kieron wouldn’t look at me.

What did he mean?

I struggled to make sense of his previous words.

_“So I’ve changed you.”_

And he said it like it was a bad thing…

“Kieron…?” I whispered.

Finally, he looked at me. Smiled. But it was wrong – forced. “Get out there,” he told me. “I’ll be here, waiting.”

I didn’t want to go. I wanted to stay and talk to him, figure out what was wrong because the suddenness of it all left my head spinning, and it was hard to breathe. But then Ashere grabbed my wrist and dragged me out of the house, and suddenly I was back on the porch and the door was closing on Kieron’s face.

I staggered and looked around.

Angry faces looked back at me.

Watchful, accusatory eyes. I swallowed thickly, feeling my breath catch in my throat, invisible steel bands encircling my lungs.

**_Breathe._ **

I sucked in a shaky breath.

**_I’m not mad at you. Calm down._ **

I closed my eyes, swallowing. _Then what’s wrong?_

**_We’ll talk later. Focus, human._ **

My eyes opened. “I apologize for leaving like that. But you have to understand, Kieron is a part of me, and if you want my help you’re going to have to get used to him. I’m not asking you to accept _all_ animalistic perpetuals; I don’t know what they were like in the past, but it apparently wasn’t good, but I can assure you with one-hundred-percent certainty that Kieron is _not_ like that. Things have changed. My abilities are tied to him so chances are he’s going to be around me a lot. I _want_ him around me a lot. So you’re going to have to get over your dislike of him if you want my help.

“I realize this war is… my fault, and I’m so sorry. I never wanted this. I was thrown into this just as much as all of you were. War sucks. I get it. I want to end, too. And we’re trying, okay? We’re trying to find a way to defeat Exrie and the Screamers. Just because I’m not here doesn’t mean I have abandoned you, because I haven’t. The war is always on my mind. I know what’s at stake.

“We’re going to all have to work together. Yes, that means working with perpetuals, and _animalistic_ perpetuals. Things have changed in the past few centuries; they’re not what you think they are anymore. They have to work with you just as much as you have to work with them. If we don’t work together, there is no way we can win. I know it’s hard. _Change_ is hard. You think I ever saw myself as the head of a _war_? As even a _part_ of a war? Hell no! That never once crossed my mind! But here we are, and it sucks. I know it does. I know everyone’s lives have been thrown upside down. But if we work together, we _can_ get through this. We have to.

“I know you dislike perpetuals in general. But we all have a greater enemy here. We can go back to hating each other when this is over and Ethereal is safe from the likes of Exrie. Are you with me or not?”

I was winded from my long speech, feeling shaky on my legs as they all stared at me. For a long time there was silence. I shrank back, only to knock into Ashere who kept me where I was. There was no running away.

Someone clapped.

And then another person.

And another.

Soon there was a round of applause. For _me_. For _my_ speech.

I swallowed, staring at everyone, a slow smile working its way across my face.

**_Nice speech, human._ **

_Were you listening?_

**_Of course._ **

My smile grew. _Good. And thanks._

**_I knew you could do it. You didn’t need me._ **

My smile dimmed. _Kieron…_

Before he could respond, Ashere was clapping me on the shoulder, laughing. “Nicely done, Terry.”

I nodded numbly, my thoughts drifting toward Kieron.

xXx

I didn’t get to talk to Kieron until hours later. By nightfall, the crowd had finally dispersed. I’d been forced to stick around outside and converse with them while Kieron stayed indoors. Despite how much I hated this, Ashere kept me out there for the good of the war, he said. Alona and Kieron stayed inside – mostly so Kieron wouldn’t have to be alone, and he usually hung out with Bekkah when I did my speeches, but that wasn’t an option right now.

Finally, though, as the sun gave way to night, I entered the house and found it quiet and dark. I nearly tripped over the threshold to the master bedroom before I found the switch to turn the lights on. Some places in Ethereal had electricity, but a lot of places didn’t. There was little rhyme or reason to it. It just seemed like a personal preference more than anything. Plus, candles seemed easier for a lot of them. I’d grown used to the green fire of the candles so to have electricity here was a bit shocking.

Kieron was sprawled out on the large bed, looking comfortable and content. I smiled at the sight as I walked across the room and sat on the edge of the bed. After kicking my shoes off, I threw back the covers and slid under them, though I did not lay down. Instead I peered down at my perpetual, and found blue eyes looking up at me from where he lay on his side, facing me. I smiled.

“Hey, sleepyhead,” I said softly.

“Hey,” he replied, voice equally quiet. “Finally get away?”

I scowled. “That sucked. Why didn’t you rescue me?”

He smiled tiredly. “You did fine, human.”

“That’s not the point,” I huffed.

“Crybaby.”

I laughed, unable to stop myself, because that was the first time he’d ever called me that, I had never expected to hear that come out of his mouth. His smile widened before it gave way to a long yawn. I frowned. “You’ve been tired lately. Are you okay?”

He nodded, yawning once more. “I’m fine – just getting used to having my body again, I guess.”

“I thought you didn’t remember anything from when the bond was closed, before… before I went to you in your mind.”

He scowled. “Which was stupid, by the way.”

“Yeah, yeah, noted.”

“And I don’t really remember anything. It’s just a feeling I have. Like I’m disconnected from my body somehow. Everything feels all sore. I guess Perez didn’t take very good care of my muscles; everything aches all the time.”

I frowned again because this was the first I was hearing about this. “You said you’d tell me if anything was wrong,” I accused.

He pushed himself into a sitting position. “Nothing’s _wrong_ , human, I’m just a little sore. I’ll get over it.”

“You still didn’t tell me.”

“I’m telling you now.”

I sighed. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yes. I spoke to Alona about it today; she thinks it’s normal.”

I nodded. At least he asked her about it, even if he did ask her before he spoke to me about it. “What was that about earlier?”

Kieron sighed.

“Seriously,” I said. “I mean… why do you think I don’t need you?”

_Haven’t I shown you that I **do** need you?_

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes, it does,” I said. “It’s clearly bothering you, and I didn’t even know anything _was_ bothering you. So, tell me.”

He kept silent.

“We don’t have secrets, Kieron. Please?”

He sighed heavily, shoulders slumping, his gaze focused on his hands in his lap as he twirled his thumbs around each other. “When we first met… you were headstrong and independent,” he murmured reluctantly. “Now you believe you need me at your side all the time. I just… You seemed happier before. Well, maybe that’s not the right word.”

“I wasn’t happier,” I said distastefully. “I swear to you, I wasn’t happier without you, even before we met. I’m much happier now.”

He nodded slowly.

“And I think I understand what you mean,” I sighed, scrubbing a hand over my face.

Blue eyes looked up at me. “You do?”

“I do. I… When we met, you seemed… more confident, and sure of yourself,” I said quietly. This was something I’d been thinking about for a long time, but had never had the courage to speak. “You never hesitated, never shied away from anything. And now… you seem less confident. It’s not a bad thing,” I said quickly, noticing how he was pulling away, mentally if not physically. “It’s not a bad thing, Kieron. People change. I know that. I just… I just feel like I’m the reason you’re suddenly so unsure of yourself, and… and I don’t know what to think of that.”

Silence surrounded us after I finished speaking. After talking so much today and tonight, my voice felt raw, foreign somehow. I swallowed thickly, watching my perpetual all the while, attempting to read how he felt about this, but as usual, he was a closed book in my mind, there but yet not there all the same, and I hated it. I wanted that openness from before. I wanted to know him inside and out like he knew me.

He sighed, finally. “You’re right.”

I flinched. “I… I am?”

“I am… _different_ , I guess. I don’t know. I wouldn’t say I was really _confident_ before we met. I just knew my place and if you show any signs of weakness, like being _hesitant_ , then…” He shook his head. “So I didn’t. I didn’t show weakness. That doesn’t mean I was _confident_. It doesn’t mean I was sure of myself. It doesn’t mean I wasn’t hesitant. I just couldn’t show it.”

“And… And now?” I asked thickly.

Blue eyes caught and held my own. “It doesn’t feel like such a weakness anymore.”

I smiled, the steel bands around my lungs loosening. “I love you,” I said breathlessly.

“You too, human,” he said softly. “You too.”

 


	40. Oblivion

Chapter Forty: Oblivion

 

Another town, another house, this one smaller than before. It was just Kieron, Ashere and me staying here, though; Alona was staying in another house, and Bekkah and Dettere would be joining her when they were finished with whatever it was they were doing, which would take them a few more days still, I was told. We would be staying here for a while. In this small house with only one bedroom, but a comfortable couch in the living room. Ashere slept there and Kieron and I got the bedroom. There was no electricity here; instead we used candles, with their flickering green flame. It all felt very familiar and oddly reassuring. I was used to that strange glow, felt calmness wash over me as the green hue cast odd shadows across Kieron’s sleeping face.

It was our first night in this house, and for some reason I couldn’t sleep. I rarely had this problem; I could very easily sleep on the ground, as long as I was tired. And I was tired, sleep just wouldn’t come to me. I’d been laying here for hours now, and had eventually lit a candle as I dug through my duffel bag next to the bed. I looked up periodically to make sure I hadn’t woken Kieron.

I never anticipated much ‘down time’ in Ethereal, but nevertheless I did bring a book to read, just in case. I’d never been much of a reader, but after reading to Kieron when he was sick – _and dying_ , a part of my mind reminded me – I’d read sparingly on my own. It gave me something to do when Kieron was busy, or sleeping. But, again, I rarely had trouble sleeping, and I wasn’t sure why I was now.

The book I brought with me was just some novel Lacy gave me after she was finished reading it. She said she thought I might like it; it had romance but it wasn’t the main focus, and actually focused on action scenes and spies, which she wasn’t very into, but she thought I would find it more intriguing than she did. I was only a few chapters into the book but it seemed interesting enough, and was something to do during my ‘down time’.

I knew as soon as Kieron found it he would snicker and probably steal it from me since he hadn’t packed a book himself and he liked to read. I was okay with this.

Reading by green candle light was more difficult than it looked. I was used to the green glow, but not on pages. It took a bit for my eyes to adjust properly. Nevertheless I did so for a while – minutes, hours, I wasn’t sure – until a hand landed on my shoulder. I looked up, blinking a few times, and realized it was daylight, and Kieron was holding out a plate of food for me to take.

I shoved the bookmark into place and dropped it next to me, before I accepted the food with a smile. “Thanks.”

It was just a plate of rhine, but it tasted good enough, and I was grateful for breakfast in bed even if I didn’t notice the passing of time… or Kieron slipping away from me to get me the food…

I sighed. Things had been rough lately.

Kieron sat next to me and started pulling on his shoes. They weren’t quite boots, but weren’t quite sneakers either, but somewhere in the middle in this odd, Etherian design. It made traveling easier.

“Did you eat?” I asked around a bite of rhine.

My perpetual nodded. “I ate with Ashere.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Kieron finished lacing his boot-shoes and got back to his feet, frowning somewhat, clearly hesitating. I swallowed the bite in my mouth and frowned back at him.

“What?”

“I won’t be at your speech today,” he said.

My eyes narrowed. “Why not?”

“We both saw how that was a bad idea,” Kieron said. “They’re not ready to get over centuries of hatred. I’ll be inside with Alona.”

“Alona?”

Granted, Alona wasn’t usually _with me_ when I gave my speeches, but for Kieron to purposefully mention her left me uncertain. Worry built in my chest.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” he said, waving a dismissive hand. “Yeah, everything’s fine. She just wants to talk to me about my ‘experience’ or whatever, and make sure there aren’t lasting effects.”

The worry grew. “I thought she did that already?”

Was I missing something?

“Relax,” Kieron said, and I drew in a slow breath. “It’s just a precaution; she’s going to check me every couple of weeks for a few months, just to be safe. I’m fine.”

I nodded slowly. It was good to be cautious, I concluded; it was good that Alona would be checking him more than once, to make sure he was really okay, and that he _stayed_ okay. It was also a good reason for him to remain inside while I gave my speech, but a selfish part of me still wanted him at my side. However, in light of the last speech I gave, I bit my tongue and didn’t argue further. Next time. Next time I’d have him at my side, but for this one speech…

“I hate speeches,” I muttered, scrubbing a hand over my face.

Kieron chuckled. “Doesn’t everyone?”

“Have you ever given a speech?” I asked. “I had to for school and stuff, but, uh, I mean…”

Kieron shrugged, a lazy roll of his shoulders. “Not in my job description,” he said. “It’s my job to follow orders, not give them.”

I winced. “I’m not giving orders.”

He gave me a blank stare. “Funny way of showing it, human.”

I scowled. “I didn’t ask for this, you know.”

“I know,” he said quietly. “That’s why you’re good at it.”

_I’m good at it. At leading people? Me?_

Kieron had to be crazy; I was terrible at this. How many times had I failed already? And I wasn’t even giving anyone any directions; I was merely telling them we needed to stick together, and that I was on their side, and that Kieron wouldn’t hurt them if they didn’t attack him first. That was it. That was all I was doing.

I wasn’t a leader. Not me. Never me.

“This is all so crazy,” I breathed, shaking my head.

“Life is crazy,” Kieron commented.

I laughed, unable to stop myself. “Yeah – you’re right about that. Our life is pretty crazy.”

I never would have imagined myself in love with a blue-haired immortal from Atlantis. I never would have pictured myself as the figurehead of a war. I never would have seen myself in this situation, not even in my wildest dreams. Or nightmares.

But here I was. _Me_. The figurehead of a war, in love with Kieron, constantly giving speeches and being hunted by someone who wanted me alive but my boyfriend dead…

Yeah. Life was pretty damn crazy.

xXx

The next speech went okay, but even I could tell something was off. Ashere gave me an uneasy look after the speech was over and the crowd began to disperse, before he pulled me aside, making sure no one could overhear us.

“That’s… odd,” he said, like I would know what he meant.

“Something seemed off,” I admitted, “but I don’t know what.”

“There’s like… this feeling in the air…” He trailed off there, biting down on his lower lip. “Stay close for a while; there might be a traitor.”

I frowned, Dettere’s words from before rushing back to me. A traitor. I never told the others because he asked me not to; he said if they knew they might try to get to the bottom of it on their own, which could be dangerous and potentially deadly, since the traitor could be someone they know and trust, someone that was helping them. I stayed silent on the matter, because I didn’t need more people hurt because of me, especially my friends. And Ashere _was_ a friend; a good one, now that we had an understanding.

Ashere watched me for a moment, like he knew I was hiding something on the tip of my tongue, but he said nothing on the matter, thankfully. Instead he sighed and nodded toward the doorway. “Go to Kieron; I’m going to speak with Alona.”

I nodded, not having to be told twice. Quickly, I entered the house and smiled at the sight of my perpetual sitting on the couch, reading a book, his legs curled beneath him. He looked up, feeling my gaze on him, and offered a tired smile. “It sounded like it went well.”

I shrugged, biting my lower lip uncertainly. “I don’t know. Something seemed off. I think Ashere and Alona are gonna check it out.”

Kieron frowned, immediately closing the book, only just managing to shove the bookmark into place before doing so. “What do you mean, off?”

“I don’t know,” I said honestly, shaking my head. “It just… it kind of felt like we were being watched, I guess? But that’s silly, because it was a speech so of course we were being watched.”

Kieron’s frown deepened. “What’s Ash think?”

“I don’t know, he just said he was going to talk to Alona and that I should come inside.”

Kieron nodded. “Alright; he’s not far, I can still hear him. I’ll be right back.”

And then he moved past me, toward the door, and I reacted without thinking, some primal part of me shouting, “ _No_.”

Kieron stopped and stared at me, blue eyes narrowed into curious slits. “Human?”

There was a sudden lump in my throat, and steel bands around my lungs, and I had no idea why. It was out of nowhere, but I felt it so very strongly. Another emotion slithered through me, one I recognized all too well. _Fear_.

_Something’s very, very wrong._

“Don’t,” I managed to whisper at his confused look. “I just… No. Don’t go outside.”

“Human, what’s wrong?” Kieron asked, voice low and rough and _concerned_.

My head hurt. It throbbed sharply behind my eyes, leaving me wincing, and the frown on Kieron’s face growing. “I don’t know,” I told him truthfully. “I… I don’t know… I just feel strange…”

“Strange how?”

Instead of answering I merely shook my head, unable to find the words. My skin itched and burned and I had no idea why; Kieron and I were fine at the moment, in the house. Even if there was a traitor it wasn’t like they were going to just barge inside; Kieron would attack, or my powers would activate because Kieron was in danger. Attacking outright was a silly idea for them.

But that was exactly what happened.

It happened so suddenly I wasn’t sure what was going on at first. The window broke across the room and Kieron snarled, immediately grabbing my arm and flinging me behind him as he crouched low, into a defensive position. The Etherian standing there looked back at Kieron, swallowing thickly like they were surprised to see him, but why would they be? They knew I was bonded to Kieron so he would probably be here with me. Unless they were just shocked to see him because he wasn’t with me during my speech today, but he was during my last speech…

“Death to the human!” came a voice from behind me, and I tore my gaze from the Etherian near the window to instead look at the doorway, where another Etherian ran in with a sword, already swinging.

Kieron’s fingers were suddenly tight around my wrist as he yanked me against him, out of the way of the sword’s swipe. He backed us up into a corner, keeping me behind his back as he snarled, looking from Etherian to Etherian. The one in the window pulled free a bow and arrow, stalking toward us.

“Don’t hit the perpetual,” the window guy said uneasily. “We don’t need the human’s powers activating.”

My heart raced in my chest. They knew of my abilities; even if they hated Kieron, they didn’t want to see what I could do. So they were going to not hurt him, and therefore my powers wouldn’t activate because I explicitly stated they were tied to my perpetual. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so honest during my speeches.

“Get back,” Kieron snapped, growling lowly.

“We don’t want this to hurt, we’ll make it quick,” the bow and arrow guy assured, like that meant something to us at this point. “It’s for the good of everyone. If the human is dead, then Exrie will stop attacking.”

My blood ran cold; a part of my mind had been thinking this very thought for a while now. If I was dead, he couldn’t get me. He couldn’t get what he wanted, and therefore Ethereal would be safe. Or, at least, _safer_. And Kieron wouldn’t be so hunted. In the back of my mind I was thinking the same thing as these Etherians – _it would be better if I was dead…_

At one point in time, I had even stabbed myself in an effort to kill myself for this very reason.

 ** _Knock it off,_** Kieron snapped through my mind.

_Kieron…_

**_Stop it. Without you, Exrie might not get your power, but he’s still a threat and we need you to help stop him, so stop thinking like that. Do you hear me?_ **

_Kie…_

The arrow loosed from the bow, shooting through the air. Kieron jumped forward, keeping a tiny bit of distance between us as I saw the head of the arrow stab out of his back, having gone all the way through. If he stayed pressed against me like he was, the arrow would have hit me, too.

“Kieron,” I choked, stepping forward, phantom pain seeping through me before that feeling was abruptly cut off, Kieron gaining control again. He threw a hand up, stopping me as he kept his gaze focused on the two Etherians.

“ _Don’t_ hurt the perpetual,” came a third voice, from another room. They emerged with a-

“A _gun_?” Kieron spat distastefully. “What kind of coward are you?”

Guns were frowned upon here, used only for the weak and cowardly, apparently. I once asked to get a gun for myself because I was human and therefore weak – and cowardly – but I had yet to get one. I wasn’t sure what I’d do with one, anyway; it wouldn’t stop Exrie unless the bullets were golden and mixed with Kaspen’s DNA…

Which was _Kieron_ ’s DNA, in a way.

Hmm…

“One that’s no match against an able-bodied animalistic perpetual,” the third person said simply. “Step aside, please. We only want the human.”

“Yeah, I’m not moving.”

“Too many have died already,” the guy said calmly, clearly the ringleader of these three. Speaking of the other two, they were getting closer, at wider angles so Kieron couldn’t as easily protect me.

“Cry me a river,” Kieron snarled. “I’ve lost people too, but you don’t see me turning on my allies. You’re just a weak coward looking for an easy way out. Let me just tell you, this won’t help. You think it will, but it won’t stop Exrie.”

“It might, and I’m willing to take that chance,” the guy said.

And then the gun fired.

Kieron’s body jerked upon impact as the bullet ripped through him. Phantom pain stabbed through me as well, as the bullet smacked into the wall right next to me, nearly hitting me too. Kieron snarled, backing up to stand closer to me, keeping a careful eye on the other two.

Anger burned through me, igniting along my skin. They said they didn’t want to hurt Kieron and yet this guy just shot him with a _bullet_ , and the other shot him with an arrow. Speaking of said arrow, it was still sticking out of my perpetual, and I absolutely hated it.

The guy with the bow and arrow fired again; the arrow barely missed my arm as Kieron shoved me closer to the wall, out of the way, before jumping back himself. The gun went off once more; pain lanced my shoulder as the bullet ripped through tissue and skin, leaving red against the wall as I cried out, unable to stop myself. I’d never been shot before.

Kieron snarled angrily, rounding on the guy with the gun.

In the chaos we forgot about the guy with the sword.

The tip of it was suddenly sticking out of my lower stomach. There was no pain as I looked down at it, coated in red. There was a brief moment of clarity.

“ _Oh_ ,” I managed.

My legs shook. Gave way. I didn’t fall. Instead I hung there, and I realized, belatedly, that the third guy was in the room beyond this wall, having stabbed through it to impale me.

Dizzy. Couldn’t see straight. Everything blurry.

“ _Terry,_ ” Kieron hissed.

His hand was warm, too hot, against my cheek. Rolling my head to face him.

“Hey – hey, stay with me-”

The sword moved – slipping out of me.

I couldn’t catch my breath and realized it was because of the pained _noise_ I was making as the blade cut out of me.

With nothing to hold me up, I fell.

Right into Kieron’s arms.

His lips were moving, but I couldn’t hear him.

It took some effort, but I managed to lift my blurred gaze toward his eyes. They were wide yet narrowed in this contorted sort of expression, and his hand was on my cheek again.

There was this overwhelming sense of _I’m so cold_ …

“ _Terry-_ ” Kieron’s voice cut through the fog overtaking my mind, leaving me blinking slowly at him. “ –hear me?”

“K- _Kie-_ ” I managed to push past reluctant lips, but the effort made me dizzy and tired and so very cold.

He swallowed, jaw clenched tight. Vaguely, I was aware of his warm thumb moving across my cheekbone, again and again – _soothingly_. “Stay,” he ordered, but his voice was less demanding and more – _something_. Something I couldn’t place.

Something I couldn’t place, but I recognized, deep down. Something I felt sometimes.

 _Helpless_.

Warmth, somewhere amidst the blizzard which had become my body. Warmth, pulsating. Consuming slowly. So slowly. Too slowly.

Healing me. He was trying to heal me, but he was hurt himself, maybe close to passing out. And I was _impaled_ ; could he heal that? I probably should have already been dead. The only reason I was even vaguely aware right now was because of him, but the cold was still seeping in, and there were dark spots beginning to consume my vision.

There was still no pain. I wasn’t sure if that was his doing, or the fact I was…

 _Dying_.

Panic began to combat the fog in my mind. Panic and fear and terror because I was _dying_. I was impaled, like Kieron before, except I was human and suddenly I was aware of the wet, sticky blood coating Kieron’s hands and my middle, was aware of the ragged cadence of my breath, aware of the darkness creeping in…

“K-Kie…” I whispered, though I tried to scream. “D-Don’ lemme…”

_Don’t let me die…_

I wasn’t ready to die.

The muscle in Kieron’s jaw was jumping erratically as he gritted his teeth in a snarl. “Stay with me. _Stay with me_.”

Cold, cold, cold.

Blood. Metallic, in my mouth. Pooling.

Coughed and choked around it, spluttering. Fingers twitched, reaching. Stretching. _Kieron_.

“K-K-K-ie…”

His fingers caught my own, squeezing briefly, before they returned to my stomach, applying pressure. Should feel pain. Felt nothing. Cold. Felt the cold.

Pulse stuttering – could feel it, feel the breathlessness.

Can’t breathe.

Eyelids, so heavy.

Cold…

_I… love you, Kie…_

A snarl split through the air, forcing my heavy eyelids open momentarily, before they inevitably shut again.

 ** _Stay with me,_** Kieron snapped through my mind, the sound a bullet through the haze, but even it was temporary. I could hear spoken words, but couldn’t understand their meaning, couldn’t open my eyes. Anvils on the lids.

_So tired… cold…_

**_Stay._** _Stay._ **_Do you hear me?_**

_Sorry… love you…_

Fingers, squeezing my own. A warm hand on my cheek again, as my head lolled. “ _Terry, you stay with me.”_

Warmth, attempting to combat the cold. Failing.

 _Failing_.

Everything was failing.

So tired…

So cold…

“Terry? Terry, don’t you – _open your eyes-_ ”

Thick fog, everywhere. Oblivion closing in. Should already be dead. Thanks for trying, Kieron.

Thanks for trying.

I’ll always love you.

I’m so sorry.

Warm lips, against my freezing ones. “Stay.”

Teeth, against my neck. “ _Stay_.”

An ignition of _something_ , because my neck would always be sensitive to him. Awareness, flooding through me briefly.

I gasped, barely. “K- _Kie…_ ”

Another bite, harsh and penetrating.

More awareness, if only a little. Shoving against the fog, the haze of _cold dark empty sorry I’m so sorry Kieron I don’t wanna die please_ -

“Stay with me,” Kieron hissed against the cold skin of my neck. “Do you hear me, human? _Fucking stay with me_.”

Warmth, warmth, warmth.

Cold, cold, cold.

My fingers twitched on their own, clawing at the carpeted floor beneath me. “K-K-Kie…”

Pain.

There was pain.

So very much pain.

Why so suddenly?

“H-H- _Hurts_ …” I whimpered pathetically, though choked and broken it was, due to the blood attempting to clog my throat.

There didn’t seem to be more blood filling it, though – and I was vaguely aware of more coherent thought. Working? Was this working? Warmth? Less cold? Was he actually healing me, bringing me back from the brink of death, or was this just an illusion before death?

Each beat of my slowing heart was so painful.

Each breath – agony.

Something wet slid down my cheek. Tears leaking from my eyes, the pain overwhelming in that moment. Missed the cold numbness. Go back to that.

“I’ve got you,” Kieron said quickly, nipping at my neck again, warmth spreading from the area. “I’ve got you. Stay. No – stop that.”

I wasn’t doing anything. What…?

“Yes, that – no, not that.”

He wasn’t talking to me, I realized dimly.

Himself? Was he talking to himself?

“That. I’ve got you.”

Warmth, warmth, warmth. In my mind, my body – still cold, but the warmth was more prominent. Was he actually healing me?

Too tired to think.

Another bite, another lost gasp of breath.

“Stay awake,” Kieron snapped. “Are you listening to me? Do you hear me? _Open your fucking eyes._ ”

Tried. Failed.

Sleepy. So very, very sleepy.

“No, no – hey, hear me, human? Terry, you stay awake. Human!”

The sudden shout left my eyelids twitching. Trying. Failing. Can’t. Sorry.

Tired…

The cold seeped back in, pushing back the warmth.

So hard to breathe, suddenly.

My lungs had tight steel bands around them, not allowing any movement. The pain was unbearable, more tears spilling free of my closed eyes, leaking out the sides. Blood began bubbling in my mouth again.

“No,” Kieron hissed, “ _no_ , stop that – _heal-_ ”

Choked, gasped for breath – couldn’t get any.

Everything absolutely hurt.

“No, no, hey – you stay with me!”

Cold numbness, pushing away the pain. Thank God for small mercies.

Still couldn’t breathe, but the feeling of flat, immobile lungs wasn’t an issue of pain anymore, so that was something, at least.

At least.

Tired…

“Stay,” Kieron snapped, biting at my neck again.

So cold…

“Stay, _stay_ – human – _Terry-_ ”

And then, softer, more ragged: “ _Please_ …”

Fought against the cold, fought against the darkness.

Failed, always failing.

Couldn’t hear Kieron anymore. Couldn’t feel anything. So cold and tired.

Something… something plunged into my mind. Kieron. Warmth, the bond opening further, even though it was already open so very much. If it weren’t for the fog I might have been able to pick up his thoughts, but everything was so very hazy, even in my mind. No clarity. Just an icy emptiness.

A fuzzy, glowing blue glow somewhere in the darkness.

**_Terry – stay – don’t you – stay – me – hear me?_ **

None of it made sense. Just words, nonsense.

A growl, distorted with something other than the haze. Something… _something_ …

**_Alpha, don’t you – Terry – stay with me – don’t –_ ** _please **–**_

Sorry, Kieron. So tired, can’t breathe, lungs won’t work… don’t think you can help. Sorry.

I love you, though. Always will.

 ** _I love you, too_** , he said, and that actually came through clearly, somehow, even though my mind should have probably been gone by now, since I couldn’t breathe or anything. Heart was still trying, it seemed – trying and failing like everything else. His words were a bit of a shock, since I didn’t think I sent that at him – I tried to, wanted to, but everything was just so foggy… **_So you have to stay with me. Okay? …Human? Terry!_**

Darkness everywhere, blue glow dispersing.

Felt the last beat of my heart.

And then the emptiness of oblivion.

 


	41. Clarity

Chapter Forty-One: Clarity

 

“… how long… he… when… think?”

“… long… blood… dead.”

“… can’t believe…”

“… should be…”

For a long time, I floated. Floated in this haze I couldn’t describe, had absolutely no way of describing. I was barely even aware of it. Words drifted through my mind, there one minute then gone the next. Clarity was not something I owned at that moment.

I drifted, and floated, and waited.

There were no dreams. Occasionally, there were words, but mostly there was only this strange darkness. Empty and vast, and I hated it. Occasionally, there was a reprieve – a bright blue warmth, a glowing chord, but all-too-soon that ended, as well. And I was left adrift in the darkness once more.

There was no sense of time in this floating emptiness.

Just the vague words drifting through the haze that had become my life, with no way to decipher the meaning. The words were too disjointed, too random and chaotic, and I couldn’t understand what was happening around me. Occasionally, I’d feel _something_ – a brief touch, a brush of warmth, a flicker of bright blue light amidst the dark haze… and then nothing.

Always back to that nothing.

“… up… Terry…”

Different voices, but none of them familiar, not really. Deep down, I felt like I should know the voices, but none of them left enough of an impression for me to figure out who they belonged to. Too choppy, too disjointed, too distant. All whispers, no matter the tone they used.

“…did a bad thing…”

That voice was a little clearer, a little more familiar. Not as disjointed, but still choppy.

With it, there was a flash of bright blue, before it, once again, dispersed into nothingness.

“…hear me… human?”

 _Human_ …

The word, the moniker, was so familiar.

Warmth, somewhere. A light in the darkness.

“I did a bad thing…”

The voice was so quiet, but so familiar, standing out against the dull haze of everything else. How could this voice do anything bad? Why would they think they did?

“You’re gonna hate me for it.”

I actually got the whole sentence that time. Huh. Interesting.

But I doubted I could ever hate this voice. This person. There was just something about them… something warm and familiar and I _wanted_. I wanted to see them, put a face to the voice, a name to the face. It was there, on the tip of my tongue, but just out of reach and I _hated_ it.

“You need to wake up... hear… human?”

Oh, great. More choppiness.

 _I hear you,_ I wanted to say, wanted to scream and shout. _I hear you, I just can’t… find you…_

Not in this darkness.

This emptiness.

“You need… okay?”

Something, again. A brush of _something_. On my forehead? Yes, my forehead.

And suddenly I was aware of my body. My frozen body – I was aware of it, but couldn’t move, couldn’t think enough to do so through the thick fog in my mind. The thick, empty fog. But there was something brushing across my forehead – warm and soft and _wanted_. I wanted that. It pushed away the darkness, if only briefly.

The blue light flared again. Warm, vibrant, glowing. I _wanted_.

“You can’t just… you… understand?”

The voice, so familiar… so wanted… so _blue_ …

_Kieron._

The name flooded through my consciousness, a breath of fresh air.

_Kieron._

_Kieron._

_Kieron._

_Kieron, please. I can’t… what’s happening? Where am I?_

Something warm brushed against my thoughts, pushing the haze away further. Something, there but yet not there – at least not yet. But it was more than it was before, and maybe that was all I could ask for at this point.

I drifted for a while longer.

Minutes, days, years – I had no sense of time.

I just knew sometimes I heard the voice – _Kieron_ – and sometimes I didn’t. Sometimes I heard others, but they were fractured and unclear. The only voice I heard even remotely clearly was Kieron’s.

And I _wanted_. I wanted to see him.

_Kieron, Kieron, Kieron…_

After a time, I became aware of more of my surroundings. Like the ever-present beeping noise. But I couldn’t move, or think clearly, or anything. Frozen, it seemed. Trapped. Trapped here, with the noise and voices around me, with the random warm brushes against my thoughts…

xXx

_Beep… Beep…_

“Hey, honey – it’s me, Lacy. You need to wake up soon, okay? Tommy’s kind of losing his mind… and Kieron… I just don’t know anymore…”

_Beep… Beep…_

“Tommy’s so angry these days. He’s not eating much. We visit you so often… Even your father is here more often than not, did you know that? The doctors say they’re cautiously optimistic, whatever that means.”

 _Beep… Beep_ …

“It’s been weeks, Terry…”

 _Beep… Beep_ …

“We still aren’t sure what happened. I think… I think Tommy’s hiding stuff from me, and I don’t like it. I think he knows what happened, to some degree, but he won’t share that information with me. I’m his wife. He should tell me, shouldn’t he? I just… I just don’t know anymore, Terry… And he’s so angry these days… He’s so worried about you…”

_Beep… Beep…_

“Kieron is worried, too. I don’t… I don’t see him much anymore. He didn’t leave your side for a while but he and Tommy got into it and I just… I haven’t seen him in a while now. Tommy just gets angrier every time I mention it, too. I don’t know what happened between them, but I know it’s bad and it’s only going to get worse the longer you’re unconscious…”

_Beep… Beep…_

“You need to wake up, Terry. Please.”

_Beep… Beep…_

“I just… I have to go pick up Amanda now, okay? I’ll be back soon, I promise. Maybe I can track Kieron down and bring him here, too. I think it would do you some good to hear him, right? We love you, Terry. Get better soon.”

_Beep… Beep…_

xXx

“Wake up, Terry.”

_Beep… Beep…_

“It’s been weeks, okay? I can’t… I can’t believe that _asshole_ let this happen to you. He should have protected you!”

_Beep… Beep…_

“Why hasn’t he healed you? Why are you still unconscious? I saw him heal you before, Terry, and it was so _quick_. Sure, you slept for a bit afterward, but you recovered so _fast_ , and now… it’s been _weeks_. The doctors are hopeful, but I just…”

_Beep… Beep…_

“You need to wake up, okay? And I won’t let that asshole near you again. I know you say you love him and you share a bond, but if that’s the case, where is he, huh? The asshole disappeared on us, in your time of need. I can’t believe him!”

_Beep… Beep…_

“Sorry, sorry. I know you like him, though I can’t see _why_. He’s nothing but trouble for you, Terry. Bringing you into a dangerous life, and… and now _this_ …”

_Beep… Beep…_

“Okay. I’ll… I’ll be quiet about him for now, but when you wake up we are having a serious talk.”

_Beep… Beep…_

“You really need to wake up. We’re all worried about you. John’s been here to see you too, you know? So has Rufus. I don’t know what happened between you guys but they’re still your friends, Terry. And they’re probably better for you than that asshole, you know? Sorry, sorry. I said I’d stop. Okay.”

_Beep… Beep…_

“Look, just… I miss you, okay? And I feel like shit that this happened to you, and I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t even know. And I’m sorry, okay?”

_Beep… Beep…_

“Just get better soon, okay, Terry?”

_Beep… Beep…_

xXx

“I wish I knew what happened, Son.”

_Beep… Beep…_

“All they’ve told me is you and your friend, Kieron, were walking through town and some maniac rammed you through with a sword. I don’t understand how the world could come to that, I really don’t.”

_Beep… Beep…_

“Kieron got you here in time, and while you lost a lot of blood, the doctors were shocked to find that there was little internal damage. They called it ‘miraculous’, especially since you had blood in your mouth. I shudder just thinking about it.”

_Beep… Beep…_

“You died, did you know that?”

_Beep… Beep…_

“For three minutes you were legally dead, or at least that’s what I was told. Kieron performed CPR and managed to bring you back, then you made it to the hospital. You coded once on the table, too, while they were fixing you up. They’re honestly shocked you’re still alive, despite being stabbed in your back and your stomach. They’re a little confused about how there’s a lack of internal damage when it almost seems like the blade went all the way through, instead of two separate stabs…”

_Beep… Beep…_

“It’s all a little confusing and chaotic, to be honest, Terrence. This is… This is not what I thought would happen to you. The thought it could happen to _my_ kid, and the fact it seems like I’ve had you in the hospital entirely too often recently…”

_Beep… Beep…_

“It just makes an old man lose more hair, you know. I really need you to stop worrying me, kiddo. Can you do that for me, please? Can you wake up?”

_Beep… Beep…_

xXx

Fuzzy, distant.

Many voices, but none of them too clear.

Confusing as hell.

_Where am I? What’s going on?_

So lost.

A spark of blue in the chaos of that confused haze. A spark of blue warmth and suddenly there was light.

_Kieron._

Kieron. I wanted Kieron.

I reached toward the glowing blue in the distance, and tried to move forward but found that I could not. There was nothing physically binding me in place, but yet I couldn’t move forward. I couldn’t get to the blue light. I couldn’t get to Kieron.

A sinking feeling.

Falling, flying.

Falling away.

_No. No, don’t go!_

Please don’t leave me here.

The blue brightened briefly, before dimming and dispersing as though it had never been there.

I stared where it once hovered so bright, and only then could I move.

_Kieron… please…_

My knees hit the ground, and darkness whirled around me.

Consuming me.

xXx

_Beep… Beep…_

_Beep… Beep…_

_Beep… Beep…_

The sound continued over and over, rhythmically. It penetrated my thoughts as consciousness slowly returned to me, and I opened my eyes with a loud groan. The beeping continued, incessantly, and I forced my head to turn, facing the direction of the noise. The light in the room was dull enough that there wasn’t enough pain for me to shut my eyes, but it was close. Squinting, I eyed the heart monitor, the beeps in time with the little blips on the screen.

For a long time, I stared at it, as though uncomprehending. In a daze. After a bit, I tore my gaze away with another groan; everything was so stiff. I found I couldn’t move my left arm, which was odd. Glancing down at said arm, I found Lacy’s head resting on it while she slept, her breaths deep and even.

I smiled at her.

She looked so peaceful.

I was in the hospital, but why? I tried to think about what happened, but my mind was so incredibly fuzzy right now. There was no way I could summon the images of what happened. At least, not right now; maybe later.

My mind was so terribly hazy.

_What happened…? Kieron?_

And that brought me up short as I quickly glanced around the room. I was alone save for Lacy, but why? Where was Kieron? Why wasn’t he here?

The last time I woke without him, after I was in the hospital, it was because he was locked away inside his mind and the bond was sealed. Holding my breath, I felt for the reassuring thrum of the bond, and found it muted, but still there, still warm and solid and real. Still there.

_Kieron, please? What’s going on? Where are you? What happened?_

I didn’t really expect him to answer, honestly. The bond felt so muted, after all; a part of me doubted he could even hear me.

But he did answer.

**_Human, you’re awake?_ **

I released a relieved breath, relaxing into the bed beneath me. _Yeah, I’m awake. What’s going on? Why am I in the hospital? Where are you?_

Why wasn’t he here, with me?

**_What do you remember?_ **

_Uh… I don’t know… it’s all fuzzy right now…_

But I tried to think about it anyway. The last thing I really remembered was going back to Ethereal for speeches; Kieron stepped out with me, which didn’t really go as planned. Then… something… with a sword?

And then it hit me, slamming into me all at once, leaving me gasping. I twitched as I gasped, but thankfully it didn’t wake Lacy, though she did mumble under her breath before stilling again.

_I was stabbed, wasn’t I?_

The response wasn’t immediate. I wondered if he heard me for a moment, until he finally answered with this _tone_ …

**_Yes._ **

_Oh… Okay… How am I… I remember… I remember dying… How am I alive?_

I remembered Kieron struggling to heal me; how it seemed to work, then seemed to stop working, and darkness consumed my mind. I was dying; how was I alive now?

How was I in a human hospital now, with Lacy sleeping next to me? It made no sense.

Kieron was silent.

_Where are you, Kie?_

Why wasn’t he here with me?

He should have been. I wanted him here. _Needed_ him here.

**_I’m in Ethereal._ **

_What? Why?_

**_I’ll come see you tomorrow, okay?_ **

He knew I wanted him here, at least. He would come to me. But why wasn’t he here _now_? Maybe it was the fatigue talking, or the fact I nearly died, but that _hurt_. The fact he wasn’t here with me right now, when I needed him. I almost _died_ , and he was in Ethereal instead of here with _me_?

_I almost died and you’re not here. Do you even care?_

Where the words came from, I didn’t know; I didn’t mean to think them or send them to him, honestly. It was just the hurt talking, combined with the fatigue and aches and pains. And the fact I really wanted to see him right now.

 ** _Of course I care,_** he all but snapped, surprising me. **_But being there is complicated right now. I’ll come by tomorrow, I promise. Just make sure Tommy isn’t there._**

Tommy… Tommy…

I remembered something about Tommy. Were they talking while I slept again?

_Why does Tommy’s presence matter? What happened?_

**_We got into a fight._ **

_You guys argue all the time,_ I pointed out, because it was true. They always bickered and argued and fought; it just seemed to be how they communicated. I liked to think they were getting better. Tommy even said he was happy for me, after all.

**_This was different. Look, I’ll explain when I see you tomorrow, okay? How do you feel?_ **

The sudden change in topic left me blinking. _I’m… I’m good, I guess? Surprised to be alive, and a little sore and tired, but otherwise, I think I’m okay. How…?_

 ** _It wasn’t easy,_** he admitted quietly, the words barely audible in my head. **_You died for a few minutes. I repaired what I could and performed CPR. Alona helped stabilize you enough for us to transport you to a human hospital, since you lost so much blood._**

That tone…

I took in a slow breath. _I love you, Kieron._

More silence.

For a long time, too.

_… Kieron?_

**_We’ll talk tomorrow, Terry. Get some rest._ **

_Kieron?_

No answer.

I frowned. He seemed… _off_. I couldn’t quite explain it, but something was definitely wrong.

I just wanted to see my perpetual right now, was that so wrong?

I sighed heavily, shifting as I did so; my body was sore, despite the painkillers I knew had to be pumping through my system right now. My movements must have been more jerky than I thought they were, as Lacy mumbled under her breath and opened her eyes. A moment later, she sat up quickly and stared at me.

“Uh… hi,” I said somewhat uncertainly, smiling half-heartedly.

“Terry, you’re awake!” she said happily, and then I was enveloped in a tight hug. I winced and she quickly pulled away. “Oh my God, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” I told her honestly. “How long have I been out?”

She hesitated. “It’s been nearly three weeks, Terry.”

I stared at her. _Three weeks_.

Three weeks.

I was unconscious for _three weeks_?

How was that possible, with Kieron’s ability to heal me and everything? The bond was still there so it wasn’t like it was when it was sealed and he was trapped inside his head or anything; he could still heal me. And yet he wasn’t near me right now, said we’d talk tomorrow, and something seemed off…

“What happened?” I asked, though I wasn’t honestly asking Lacy, just thinking out loud. I knew she didn’t know the whole story or anything. She couldn’t.

“You were… You were stabbed,” Lacy said with a quick breath. “It was bad, Terry. You… You almost died.”

I winced at the tone of her voice, all quiet and shaky. “I’m sorry, but I’m okay now, right?”

She smiled faintly. “The doctors say you’re fine, but you haven’t been waking up, so they were worried still. It’s good you’re awake. I should probably alert a nurse.”

With that, she got to her feet. I reached out to stop her, but was a second too late and she slipped from the room. Sighing, I sank back more into my pillow, looking up at the ceiling.

What happened?

I died. Kieron confirmed it. I died for at least a few minutes, but he managed to bring me back with CPR. Then they got me to a human hospital, since I needed blood and I doubted they had human blood on standby in Ethereal. I remembered slipping; I remembered Kieron trying to heal me, telling me to stay with him, but the darkness closed in anyway. I died. And yet, here I was, alive and in the hospital.

And without Kieron next to me.

This kept returning to my thoughts. Kieron should have been here, and he wasn’t. I almost died; I _did_ die for a few minutes, according to Kieron, and yet he wasn’t here with me when I woke up. He wasn’t even on Earth, he was in Ethereal. In another world, without me, while I was in the hospital.

And that _hurt_. That really hurt. Why wasn’t he here with me?

And how odd he was acting…

_What happened…?_

I was missing some pieces, I knew. Some key pieces of information. And I hated it.

_Kieron…_

The door to the room opened, and in walked Lacy, trailed by a nurse. The nurse smiled at me, her curly blonde hair pulled into a tight ponytail, her hazel eyes looking me over before she reached for the chart at the foot of my bed.

“Mr. Andrews,” she said. “It’s good you’re finally awake; you had us worried.”

I shrugged. “Call me Terry, please. And yeah, uh… sorry… about that…”

She smiled warmly. “Terry, my name is Angela, and I’m your nurse for this evening. I’ve contacted Dr. Carter but he is tied up at the moment, and will come check on you within the hour. Does that sound okay?”

I nodded. “Sure.”

“Very well, I am just going to do run a few quick tests, and then I’ll be out of your hair. Would you like anything? Water, food…?”

“Um… something to drink, yeah, but can I have something other than water?” I asked, because nothing against hospitals, but they always got the water typically from a faucet and filled up a tiny little cup. It didn’t test the best and it wasn’t enough, and water wasn’t really very good unless it was cold, and hospital water was always lukewarm.

“There’s a vending machine,” Lacy said, before disappearing from the room again. I smiled after her, my angel saving the day. She was awesome.

“Tell me, Terry, how do you feel?” the nurse asked, shining a light into my eyes. I blinked rapidly to clear the spots, my head throbbing.

“Um… okay, I guess,” I told her. “Sore, and tired, but, uh… I’m… I’m okay, considering.”

My words made no sense but she nodded like she understood. A moment later a blood pressure leave ensnared my arm and after a few quick squeezes, it was over. She hummed thoughtfully as the sleeve loosened, and wrote down something on the clipboard she picked up from the foot of the bed.

“Your blood pressure is normal,” she assured me calmly, taking the sleeve off me. “Can you wiggle your toes for me?”

She threw the sheet back to get a better view of my feet. It was an odd request, but I successfully wiggled my toes anyway, and she smiled at me.

“Very good,” she said. “We were initially worried you might have some temporary paralysis; you had damage to your lower back and spine when you were first brought in, but that’s completely disappeared, miraculously. It’s actually a wonder you’re alive, Mr. Andrews.”

I winced, knowing it was a miracle. I shouldn’t be alive right now; I should have been dead. That sword should have killed me. It _did_ kill me, if only temporarily. Enough that my heart stopped and everything; I died for at least a few minutes. And that was a terrifying thought.

I was the cause for the war, and those Etherians were _right_ in some ways; if I wasn’t around, the Master wouldn’t have any need to slaughter people because there’d be no prize to be found. But they were also wrong, because Exrie wouldn’t stop now, simply because I died. He’d keep going because he was already powerful and winning. _Winning_. Exrie was winning, no matter how many speeches I gave, or how many people Kieron helped train, no matter what we did. He was winning. He’d already destroyed Miitha Tiaydh, after all. How he did it was beyond me, but he did it somehow.

He was so powerful, and I didn’t know how to stop him. No one seemed to know. And yet those Etherians came after me, not because they were cruel, but because they were desperate. They were tired of the fighting and desperate for the war to end, and in their eyes, that was the only way to end everything – by killing me. Taking away the leverage and Exrie’s main reason for hunting them all so religiously.

They were desperate, and attacked me because of it.

Everyone was growing desperate.

“Mr. Andrews? Terry?”

I blinked and focused on the nurse, Angela, who stood next to me, hazel eyes dark with concern. “Huh?”

“Are you all right?” she asked. “You spaced out on me for a minute. Is there anything you’ve neglected to tell me?”

I didn’t tell her much of anything, really. I neglected to tell her so much. But she didn’t need to know all the details. “I’m fine,” I assured her with a smile. “Honestly. I’m just a little tired and I just learned I’ve been in here for _weeks_ , so it’s… it’s a little disorientating.”

All very true.

Just not the main reason I spaced out on her.

The door to the room opened again, and Lacy returned with a bottle of Sprite. My mouth watered at the sight. Suddenly parched, I reached for the Sprite and she handed it to me.

“So how is he?” she asked the nurse while I took a long guzzle of my drink.

“Very well, considering,” Angela told her, making a few more notes on the clipboard. “I’ll inform Dr. Carter as soon as he’s available, and he’ll want to run his own tests.”

“When can I go home?” I asked, because all I wanted right then was to go back to the apartment. Back home. Back to Kieron.

_Kieron…_

I still had no idea what was wrong with Kieron. Something was clearly off, and I was upset he wasn’t here with me right now… but that could wait. I just wanted to see him. _Needed_ to see him.

Tomorrow, he said.

If Tommy wasn’t around.

What happened while I was out?

xXx

I saw my brother later in the day, when he got off work. He arrived at the hospital and entered the room with a warm smile. Lacy left a while ago, to attend to Amanda. I had been dozing off and on all day, for the most part.

Tommy knocked on the door as he entered. “Hey,” he said, smiling widely. “You’re finally awake, that’s good.”

I nodded, offering a smile in return. “So they tell me.”

He walked around the foor of the bed so he could stand next to me. “How do you feel?”

I shrugged. “Kinda sore, but mostly drugged,” I told him honestly. Also, I was confused. Very, very confused. “What happened between you and Kieron?”

At the mention of the perpetual, Tommy’s shoulders stiffened and the smile dropped from his face. I frowned, watching him and his reaction. Yeah, something _definitely_ happened between the two of them while I was unconscious.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Tommy said firmly, lips pursed into a thin white line.

Hmm… interesting…

“What happened?” I asked again, because I needed to know. “I thought you two were kinda getting along, finally.”

“We were,” Tommy spat distastefully, a scowl overtaking his face, “until that asshole let you get _stabbed_.”

I winced. “That’s not his fault, Tommy.”

“He’s supposed to protect you, and heal you. He’s healed you before, but refused to do so this time,” Tommy said angrily. “And that’s not acceptable, okay? He’s such an asshole! You could have died!”

“It’s not his fault,” I told him truthfully. “He tried to heal me, but it… it wasn’t quite working, at least not as quickly as we both hoped…”

I could remember the warmth of him _trying_ to heal me, and the moment when we both thought it _might_ be working, and then the inevitable fall into darkness. But Kieron tried to heal me; it wasn’t his fault it didn’t work, and Tommy had no right to blame Kieron.

No wonder Kieron wasn’t here right now.

He probably already felt like he failed, when he couldn’t heal me like he thought he should have, and now Tommy snapping at him and practically saying Kieron _let_ this happen to me…

Yeah, I could see why Kieron might not want to be around Tommy right now.

But still… it would have been nice if Kieron was here with me…

I scrubbed a hand over my face, sighing heavily. “He tried, Tommy. He really did. It’s not his fault, so please stop blaming him.”

“How can you still trust that asshole?” Tommy asked exasperatedly. “He’s not even here! You’re in the hospital and he’s _not here_!”

Anger flared briefly in my chest, igniting with a sudden spark. I growled, and Tommy blinked at me, the anger dying down from his own gaze. “He’s _not here_ because of _you_ ,” I told my brother, tired of all the accusations and insults toward my boyfriend, “and it’s _not his fault_ so fucking _stop blaming him_!”

Tommy’s mouth snapped shut. For a long moment, he stared at me. I stared right back, the anger flickering away as quickly as it came. I was a little off myself, I realized; it wasn’t just Kieron who seemed off, but me as well. Easily angered. Snapping at my brother. The bond didn’t like the distance between us any more than I did.

“Sorry,” I whispered, frowning. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap, I just… It’s not his fault, Tommy. And if anything, he kept me alive long enough to get to a hospital. I was told a lot of it had healed, but I needed blood?”

He begrudgingly nodded.

“So he healed me, it just took longer than we hoped it would,” I said quietly.

“He should have protected you,” Tommy said. “What good is having…” He looked around briefly, making sure the door was closed. “What good is having an _immortal_ boyfriend if he doesn’t protect you?”

I scowled, the anger flickering again, but I shoved it down. “He _did_ protect me, against a bow and arrow and a _gun_.”

Tommy winced.

“He was busy _taking the hits_ for me, when the third guy slipped around and… he had a sword…”

Tommy paled, obviously realizing what actually happened. That it wasn’t just a cut on my back and front; that it went all the way through. That I was impaled, and that was after I was attacked with a bow and arrow, and a gun. All very lethal to humans.

But I didn’t die. I lived because of Kieron.

My perpetual.

_Kie… I wish you were here…_

I wasn’t expecting a response.

**_Tomorrow, human._ **

But I was thrilled to receive one. Warmth blossomed through me, the bond open just a little more, and I didn’t realize how _closed_ it had been until now. Why would it be a little more closed? Not completely closed, but just enough that I could tell the difference… And why he wasn’t here…

If it was just because of a fight with Tommy, Kieron would still be here. He’d snarl and make Tommy leave, family be damned. And yet…

 _Guilt_ , I realized. _He feels guilty._

He had Tommy constantly yelling at him, telling him he failed me and that he should have protected me, should have healed me completely like he did before… And yes, he had healed me completely before, but it hadn’t been so serious a wound. A sword, all the way through, into my spine and everything… I should have been dead a thousand times over just from the initial shock alone, but I lingered as he tried to heal me… and in the end he succeeded because here I was, alive.

And yet Tommy kept snapping at him. Why wouldn’t Kieron feel guilty?

_Oh, Kie… it’s not your fault… None of this is your fault._

No response.

_I love you, and I could never blame you. Don’t listen to Tommy. If it helps, I just snapped at him for blaming you. I think he’s getting a better picture of what actually happened. It’s not your fault._

Still nothing, but there was still warmth nestled somewhere inside of me, and for the moment, that was enough. He was listening, even if he wasn’t responding.

_I love you, Kie. I’ll see you tomorrow._

“That’s creepy.”

The words snapped me out of my light daze. I blinked a few times, focusing on Tommy. “What’s creepy?”

He scowled. “You get this dopey look on your face when you’re talking to him. You _are_ talking to him, right? And now I sound crazy for mentioning it…”

Tommy still thought it was all so crazy, but he had no choice but to believe me. He followed me into Ethereal, after all; he witnessed firsthand the way Kieron healed me after I took some claws to the stomach and was bleeding out. He probably wished it was all a crazy dream, but in the end he had to believe me.

“I was talking to him,” I said, even though Kieron hadn’t really responded save the once. “Telling him it wasn’t his fault and to ignore you.”

Tommy’s lips pursed again, but he said nothing.

I sighed heavily. “I know you don’t trust him, Tommy, but honestly, you have no reason not to. He would never hurt me. You don’t know him like I do. He did everything he could to heal me, and he’s the reason I’m alive right now. If nothing else, at least give him that.”

He remained silent for a long moment, before he sighed, shoulders slouching. “I’ll try,” he said. “I punched him, by the way. In case he brings it up. He, uh… He hit me back.”

“I would hope so,” I said, pushing down the anger of my brother hitting my boyfriend.

Tommy looked around again, before he lifted up his shirt. There was a fading bruise on his ribs, blue giving way to an ugly yellow. It was large, and looked painful, but it was fading. I could only imagine how painful it would have been originally.

I winced. “He… Kieron did that?” I whispered.

Tommy nodded, allowing his shirt to fall back down. “He did. I probably deserved it, I guess… I mean I was raging at him, and he already looked pretty ragged, and then I punched him… He hit me back and suddenly I was on the floor. By the time I got up he was already gone. I haven’t seen him since. That was when you were first brought here.”

I chewed on my lower lip.

“He’s visited you since then; Lacy has seen him. But he’s avoiding me, which is probably for the best. I was… I was angry. So angry.”

Silence surrounded us for a long time.

Finally, I sighed. “Thanks for telling me.”

Tommy nodded slowly. “Uh, yeah. You’re welcome.”

And when I saw Kieron tomorrow, I would make sure he understood that none of this was his fault.

xXx

I didn’t sleep well that night.

I rarely ever did, in the hospital. It was always more than a little noisy, with the beeping, and people walking up and down the hallways, and the random giggles and talking of the nurses. I hadn’t been out of my room yet, but I assumed the nurses’ station was right next to my room, since I could hear them all the time, even with my door closed. And it was also bright, in the hospital. Even with the blinds shut on all windows. Light spilled in from under the door, and the monitors in the room were still alight with a green hue.

So I didn’t sleep well.

Maybe that was because I was excited to see Kieron.

I didn’t know what time he’d be coming, but all that mattered was I would see him today.

The excited bundle of nerves kept me awake, even if I could sleep with the lights and noise.

I told Tommy to stay away today, so I could speak to Kieron. He wasn’t happy about it, but begrudgingly said he wouldn’t be by, but he couldn’t say the same for Lacy. She was excited to have me awake, apparently. I told him to have her wait until evening. He said he’d do what he could, but it was hard to control her when she was excited.

I watched TV most of the day. The nurses checked on me occasionally, doing quick tests, checking my vitals. Everything seemed fine, they told me. If all went well, I could go home in a few days. Good; I hated being in the hospital. I missed the apartment. I missed Kieron.

For a bit, I also dozed, while watching TV.

I didn’t hear the door open or close. Didn’t see the shadow moving across the room, the only light that of the TV.

I startled into a more alert, awake state when warm fingers brushed against the skin of my wrist, and warmth blossomed through the bond. I glanced over and there he was.

My perpetual.

Kieron.

He looked tired, rings under his eyes, and his skin paler than I would have liked, but he was _here_ and it was so good to see him.

“Kie,” I breathed, a wide smile overtaking my face as I struggled to actually sit up, sore muscles be damned. His hand landed on my chest, holding me down with a gentle but firm pressure, and I stopped trying to move.

He smiled at me, blue eyes scanning me over. “How do you feel?”

It was so good to hear his voice.

And to see him smile.

It was just so good to have him here with me – everything I had missed yesterday.

“I’m okay,” I told him. “What about you?”

He shrugged, pulling the hard, plastic chair over from the window. He sat next to the bed and my fingers sought out his own, entwining them. The physical contact helped, I thought. I needed this. Wanted this.

“I heard you and Tommy got into it,” I said quietly, watching my perpetual.

He scowled but nodded. “I’m sorry.”

I blinked. “Why are you apologizing? From what I heard, it was his fault.”

He shook his head. “I shouldn’t have hit him. I could have really hurt him. I _wanted_ to hurt him.”

“But you didn’t, not really,” I said. “I mean, you bruised his ribs, and that has to hurt, but you could have done so much more. You didn’t.”

“But I wanted to,” he said softly, blue eyes skittering away.

“Look at me,” I said, because it had been a while since I saw those eyes and I wanted to be able to see them. His gaze slowly returned to me, and I squeezed his hand. “Tommy was being an ass, and you had every right to him. He hit you first, after all. So, it’s okay, Kie.”

He shrugged, blue eyes flickering away from me again, teeth biting sharply into his bottom lip.

“Kie, look at me, okay?”

His lips pursed as his teeth released his bottom lip, and his gaze went back to me.

“What’s going on? It’s more than this, I can see that.”

And I wanted to know what was bothering him. I _needed_ to know.

He was off, in more ways than one, and I didn’t like it.

“Talk to me,” I said softly, squeezing his hand again. He sighed heavily, looking away again.

“I can’t,” he said quietly, his voice this odd tone. Reluctant, defeated… something else. Something it had never been before.

I frowned. “Why not?”

If he couldn’t talk to me, then who could he possibly talk to?

“I shouldn’t even be here,” he murmured. “They’re going to be angry.”

“Who? Who’s gonna be angry?” I asked, alarmed, because this was the first I was hearing about this. Why shouldn’t he be here? Was that why he wasn’t here yesterday?

What happened while I was out?

“Kieron, who’s going to be angry?” I asked, voice a little louder this time, squeezing his hand tightly.

“The Elders,” he said.

“What about them? Why will they be angry? Did they tell you not to see me? What happened since I’ve been out?”

It was a lot of questions, but I wanted a lot of answers. I needed answers. What was going on?

I drew in a breath. It was obvious Kieron was on edge; he didn’t need a million questions thrown at him. But I did need answers. “Kieron, please talk to me,” I said quietly, squeezing his hand once more. “Please?”

He released a heavy breath. “I once said I would tell you things… if it wouldn’t jeopardize anyone.”

I blinked, and recalled a conversation we had so long ago, when we first learned he was the subgressor. It was when the Elders tested our bond, to make sure I was the aggressor. They took Kieron away in golden cuffs, and said I would never see him again because I was out of control and mouthy. I told them I’d be good if they’d bring Kieron back into the room. And Kieron hadn’t been answering me through the bond, so I thought something was terribly wrong. I panicked, and nearly killed them. Only Kieron could stop me, and stop me he did. It was either that, or throw him in the Lake and see how I reacted, but then he wouldn’t have been there to stop me from hurting others, so that seemed the better option.

I was so angry with him afterward, for not telling me and for letting me think… Well, I was just angry with the whole situation.

And I told him to tell me everything from now, and he promised he would, if it didn’t jeopardize anyone.

“And… And does it jeopardize anyone?” I asked softly, frowning.

He shifted in the chair. “I’m not sure how to answer that,” he said uncertainly, which really wasn’t like him.

When he had orders, he knew what to do. He wasn’t uncertain about it.

But now, when I asked him to tell me… he said he couldn’t, because the Elders would get angry. And angry Elders was never a good thing. After all, the punishment for perpetuals was the Lake.

For lying to them once, he’d been physically punished, as well. I found out after the fact, which I wasn’t happy about. I didn’t like their methods, at all.

“Will telling me jeopardize me?” I asked.

He shook his head, frowning. “I don’t think so.”

“Then tell me,” I said.

He was quiet for a long time. With his free hand, he ran his fingers through his disheveled hair, before he sighed heavily, pulling his hand free from mine. I opened my mouth to protest, already reaching for him again, when he started to speak.

“There’s a group of Etherians who think killing you is the better option,” he said somewhat stiffly, keeping his gaze firmly focused away from me, his posture somewhat rigid now. “Those three weren’t the only ones involved. They know you survived. They’ll regroup and try again.”

I was silent, my chest stuttering. To think that so many people hated me, wanted me dead, saw it as the only option… enough people to form a group… and that they would keep trying, so determinedly… to _kill me_ …

When I was first thrown into this, I thought the screamers wanted me dead. At first, I think they actually wanted me dead. There were no clear orders. Then it was revealed the Master wanted me alive. Exrie wanted me alive, but Kieron dead. Of course, the golden, perpetual-killing weapons were still new back then, so they wanted to capture Kieron first, and take him to the Master so the Master could kill him or have him killed, and bond with me.

I wondered why people might want me dead, back then, before I was supposed to just be captured, but during the chase I hadn’t exactly had time to ponder _why_. Or reflect on the magnitude of it or anything.

Now, though…

I knew why they wanted me dead.

It made sense, in a twisted way.

The Master wanted me so he could bond with me and rule Ethereal. If they took me out, then the Master would have nothing to hunt, and this war could end.

Except, that wasn’t he case. It was like Kieron said – killing me wouldn’t stop Exrie. It might anger him, and take bonding with me off the table, but look at what he’d already accomplished! He’d destroyed Miitha Tiaydh, and with his army of screamers, was quickly taking over Ethereal and slaughtering all who opposed him and got in his way. Everything he did was methodical and planned. Sure, it might have taken a bit to actually overtake Ethereal, and for a long time no one knew anything was even wrong, but with his influence, and the screamers, and the perpetual-killing weapons… he easily sparked a war between perpetuals and Etherians, just to divide everyone’s attention.

In the end, perpetuals and Etherians did come together to serve a united front, with me as the figurehead, as we opposed Exrie and his screamers. Progress was slow, and I knew we were still losing the battle. I didn’t have to be adept at fighting or strategy to understand that. Exrie had planned this takeover for a long time, had gathered recruits, made allies, and had created the perfect weapons to kill the un-killable.

“Are you listening to me?”

Kieron’s somewhat irritated huff left me blinking, and I realized I spaced out for a moment, the weight of his words settling into me. “Sorry,” I breathed, “you were saying?”

He scowled, but kept talking. “The basic gist is there’s a group looking to kill you, and I’m working to hunt them down.”

I blinked at him. “You? Not alone, right?” I moved to sit up straighter, alarm shooting through me. He couldn’t do this alone; they could have a golden weapon, or-

He held up a hand, silencing me. “Ashere and Bekkah are with me,” he said, before shrugging. “And Alona’s not bad for an Elder-replacement.”

The flat look suddenly in his gaze let me know he understood how odd it was for her to be a replacement. How odd it was for Farrow to train someone to replace him… before it was even discovered perpetuals could die, could be killed. He trained Alona as his replacement, like he knew it was going to happen… and since then, he went missing.

I didn’t know what to think about it. I tried not to, for Kieron’s sake. He could pick up on some of my surface thoughts, after all. Plus, I knew this had to be hard for him. Farrow was the first person to actually care about him, really; he helped build Kieron’s mental shields, helped him lie well enough to deceive even the other Elders, and ultimately helped Kieron earn his freedom and not get thrown into the Lake.

Kieron was grateful. I was grateful.

And so it just didn’t make sense that Farrow would train a replacement before it was even revealed they could die…

I ran my tongue across my lips, watching my perpetual. His blue eyes softened somewhat, following the movement. “So you guys are becoming a good team, then? I just… I don’t know if I want you hunting them down. They know how to kill a perpetual. They could have the weapons.”

He shrugged. “We’ll be fine. We’ve been okay so far.”

I winced. “So you’ve… while I’ve been… in here… You’ve been killing people?”

He stiffened, lips pursing into a thin white line. “Some I’ve killed,” he admitted, and _fuck_ , I know he was a soldier in Ethereal, in a way, but this… “But it was either us or them,” he continued, and I took in a slow breath. “I might be an _animal_ , but I’m not a _monster_.”

With that, he pushed to his feet, and by the time I blinked, I was alone.

My stomach lurched painfully. “Kieron?” I called weakly, looking around, my voice growing louder. “Kieron-!”

I spotted him then, near the doorway, his back to me. He hadn’t left, but he was nearly out of my sight, on the other side of the monitors. I swallowed, noticing his stiff outline.

“You’re not an animal,” I said softly. I thought we went over this, but I supposed his doubts would never truly go away. He wouldn’t be him, otherwise. “You know that’s… I didn’t… I didn’t mean it like that, and you know that. You have to know that.”

He gave no indication he heard me. The bond was the most closed off it’d been since I woke up, and I hated it. Hated it so much. All I wanted to do was get closer to him, touch him and hold him, and-

“Kieron, please look at me…”

Nothing.

“Kie…? Please?”

Finally, he sighed and turned around, arms folded across his chest, stance defensive.

“I love you,” I told him quietly. “I know you’re not a monster. You’re _you_ , and I _love_ you. I thought we went through this. I was just… Look, this is a lot to take in, okay? The fact I’m being hunted, _again_ … and by people who actually want me dead this time… and now you’re hunting them down… And it’s just a lot to take in. Just… Just give me some time.”

He sighed heavily, arms dropping from their crossed position. “I’m sorry.”

I blinked at him. “What?”

Why was he apologizing?

“I’m… not quite myself, right now.”

It was obvious, but to hear him say it…

“Come here,” I said.

He obliged, walking back toward the bed. I pushed myself into a sitting position despite his scowl. Once he stopped next to the bed, I reached for him, yanking him toward me. He toppled over the edge and into bed with me, eyes widening with surprise before he tried to scramble away. He could get away if he wanted, but I simply murmured a quick, “Stop,” and he did.

I pressed my mouth to his, and while I might have initiated the kiss, he claimed dominance almost immediately, turning a simple meeting of mouths into something more fierce and primal, and I loved it.

I needed it.

Primal instinct, primal need.

The bond opened a little more, warmth brushing my thoughts, and I grinned around his mouth.

 _I missed you,_ I sent his way.

**_You too, human._ **

He’d never admitted to missing me before.

_I love you._

**_You too._ **

His lips curled, then, a snarl emitting from them as he gave our mouths just enough room that he wasn’t biting me.

**_And if you ever do that again, I’ll kill you myself._ **

I laughed quietly, weakly. There was nothing funny about this – I worried him. I actually worried him. _Scared_ him. We both thought I was going to die. I _did_ die, for a few minutes. And I remembered the worry and fear and everything in those final moments – the way he called out to me, told me to stay with him…

He didn’t want to go through that again. Neither did I.

“I won’t,” I told him, and his lips claimed my own again.

 


	42. Banned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kieron and Terry have a lot to discuss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I was looking through this and realized I had neglected to post the past 2 chapters xD Um. Sorry? They've been written since May, but oh well xD 3 months late is fine, right? Yikes. Sorry. I just finally got this laptop to start letting me post here, so... achem... anywho. Here are the two chapters! The next one I'm writing (44) is supposed to be the last one for this story, but we'll see how that goes, as it's already about 4k and... yeah... we'll see.

Chapter Forty-Two: Banned

 

Nearly a week later, I stepped into the apartment for the first time in a long time. It was neat and tidy, dusted and clean, and I knew this was Kieron’s doing. He cleaned up the place for me. He was currently nowhere to be seen, but that was probably because Tommy was currently helping me into the apartment, and Lacy was fluttering around making sure I had enough food and everything, so I wouldn’t need to go out. I was supposed to rest, she told me. Just rest.

There was food; a lot of it, actually. Also Kieron’s doing.

Lacy kept tossing Tommy looks. I pretended not to notice. I knew she knew something was amiss between Tommy and Kieron, and that was why my boyfriend wasn’t here. My perpetual, my boyfriend, _mine_ …

He wasn’t here because of Tommy. I tried to tell him Tommy was just angry and not to listen to him, but Kieron didn’t listen to me. He just shook his head and said he’d come around when he knew Tommy would be otherwise preoccupied. While I was in the hospital this past week, Tommy kept a fairly regular schedule which left Kieron free to visit me regularly. I needed to get the two of them together so this awkwardness would stop, though. I hated the way they were avoiding each other.

By Lacy’s looks, she was having similar thoughts.

“I hate just leaving you here like this,” she said with a heavy sigh, looking at me worriedly. “But I assume you’ll be well taken care of?” At this, she quirked a brow, and I smiled and nodded despite Tommy’s scowl as he approached us.

“Yeah,” I said quietly. Kieron would be here once they left, I was sure. I knew he was close. Lingering, waiting. Watching. Always keeping an eye on me.

She sighed again, and nodded, offering a tired smile. “Alright, then. We’ll call you in the morning to check up on you, okay? And if you don’t answer, we’ll be right over.”

“Just don’t make the call too early,” I warned her, leading the way back toward the door, holding it open for them. “I do like my sleep, you know.”

She laughed quietly, and gently grabbed Tommy’s arm, leading him out of my apartment. The look he gave me told me he was unhappy, but he’d get over it. Right now, I just needed to be here with Kieron. Kieron only hit Tommy because Tommy kept provoking him; it wasn’t Kieron’s fault. None of this was my perpetual’s fault, and Tommy needed to realize that.

I closed the door behind them, and listened as they climbed into their car and drove away. With a sigh, I walked away from the door, gently nudging the mental link with my thoughts. It was still solidly intact; I clung to it like a child, seeking reassurance. Echoes of when it _wasn’t_ intact kept flooding my mind, catching me off-guard.

The mental link was fragile; so very fragile, that it could be sealed and broken that easily. Kieron was okay, and the bond was once again intact, but for a while, I was left drowning in a sea of what I once had. A sea of what I once felt so clearly, and took for granted. I didn’t think the mental link would ever break; that it could even be sealed.

Now I knew better.

I felt it as the link brightened, warm thoughts brushing gently against my own. Once upon a time, I never would have thought Kieron could have been gentle, but he was, in his own way.

_They’re gone, Kie. You can come home now._

Home.

Where we both belonged, together.

It wasn’t home without him.

He didn’t respond with words I could hear, but the warmth pressed a little more against my thoughts, and I knew he was coming. I knew he’d be here any minute.

My tense muscles relaxed; I was unaware I’d been so tense, but now that he was finally coming and we’d be alone together at the apartment, for the first time in so long… It felt good to be home.

Finally home.

The doorknob rattled only slightly as Kieron pushed the door open, announcing his otherwise silent arrival. I turned toward the doorway and smiled when I saw him, wind-swept blue hair and all. He looked tanner than the last time I’d seen him, but he told me he’d been hunting down traitors, Etherians siding with the Master. That probably meant he’d regain a bit of his color, out in the sun hunting them down.

His eyes weren’t exactly glowing, but they weren’t as dark as usual, either. Somewhere in-between.

I smiled and stepped closer to him. “Hey,” I said softly.

He inclined his head slowly in response, blue eyes forever watching me.

A familiar thrill inched up my spine, leaving me taking in a slow breath as I moved closer to my perpetual. The closer I got to him, the more relaxed I felt.

“It’s good to finally be home, huh?” I asked.

Kieron nodded once. “It is.”

I took yet another step toward him.

This time, he took a step _back_.

I stopped, frowning at him.

“Kie?”

His gaze averted. “You should probably rest. I’ll fix you something to eat.”

This wasn’t exactly _new_ ; Kieron cooked for me more than I cooked for him, something I intended to change in the near future. Right now, though, I wasn’t hungry; I was more worried about the fact my boyfriend took a step away from me when I was clearly wanting to get closer to him. It wasn’t like he could have misconstrued my intentions.

And he’d been behaving _off_ lately, which I hated.

It was because of more than just Tommy. I knew that much.

“Kie…”

I reached for him, but he easily sidestepped me with his graceful agility. Something lurched painfully in my chest, a lump rising to make it hard to swallow. I sucked in a shaky breath, watching as he headed toward the refrigerator, his shoulders somewhat rigid as he ignored the heat of my gaze on his back.

“Kieron?” I whispered, staring after him. “What…?”

“You should eat,” he said, pulling open the refrigerator door. He pulled out newly thawed hamburger, and then reached into the cabinets for a skillet. He placed the skillet on the stove and opened the package of hamburger, dropping the meat inside.

By the time he turned the stove on, I’d made my way toward him.

The closer I got to him, the more tense the line of his shoulders became, even as he kept his gaze firmly focused on the task at hand, lips pursed into a thin, hard line.

“Kie, please? What’s wrong?” I asked worriedly.

_Are you okay…?_

Physically, I knew he was fine. I knew he hadn’t suffered any wounds recently; at least, nothing that slipped through the bond, so if he did suffer from any while I was in the hospital, it was nothing serious and was already healed. So, I knew he was okay, physically. Mentally, however…

Something was obviously bothering him, and I just wished he’d talk to me instead of avoiding me. I thought we were passed this.

“Talk to me,” I said, fighting the urge to reach for him. He’d already side-stepped me more than once; I knew trying again, at the moment, would only lead to the same results. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, human,” he said, eying the meat as it sizzled in the pan. “I’m fine.”

“Bullshit,” I said instantly. “You’re not fine. Something’s bothering you, and I want you to tell me what it is. We don’t keep secrets, Kie. Just talk to me.”

The longer I spoke, the more rigid his posture became. It definitely couldn’t be comfortable.

I swallowed thickly around the lump in my throat. “Kie, please?”

He took in a slow, deep breath, hands clenching and unclenching at his sides as he stared intently into the pan. Finally, he sighed heavily, shoulders drooping, admitting defeat. “I failed you.”

I frowned, not expecting those words to come out of his mouth. “What do you mean, Kieron? How did you fail me?”

“I let you die.”

The clenching and unclenching became more frequent, despite the more slouched set of his shoulders.

“I didn’t die,” I said. “I mean – okay, yeah, kinda, but I got better. Because of you. You saved me.”

“I failed.”

“You didn’t fail me,” I told him gently, finally reaching for him. As my fingers brushed against the fabric of his shirt, across the outline of his right shoulder, he stiffened and I closed my fingers onto his shoulder, not letting him pull away. “Kieron, listen to me: _You didn’t fail me._ You saved me. I’m alive because of you. You didn’t fail.”

His tense muscles slowly – so slowly – relaxed, and I tightened my grip, stepping a little closer. I breathed in the scent of him; a mixture unlike anything or anyone else. Home.

“You didn’t fail, Kieron,” I said quietly. “You did nothing wrong.”

All his life, he was taught that if he failed in any way, he would be punished – either physically punished, or thrown into the Lake. It was the way of the perpetuals, and while I didn’t like it, I recognized that it existed. It was how it was with them, and while I’d been trying to change it little by little… it was drilled into Kieron’s head. Drilled in so far, and for so many years, that I had no hope of erasing it completely.

He thought he failed me. He thought he was supposed to protect me, but our relationship was more than that. He wasn’t just my protector; he was my boyfriend. We shared a soul bond. I tried to protect him, too; we protected each other.

He didn’t fail me.

But the thought that he _did_ , was consuming his mind and I hadn’t punished him for it. I would never punish him for it, but it was what he was used to; my lack of negative response left him confused. Even if he _did_ fail me – which he _didn’t_ – I wouldn’t have punished him.

I couldn’t.

“Look at me,” I said quietly.

He drew in a slow breath, and then turned to face me. I released his shoulder to allow him to move. He kept his head bowed, gaze focused on the ground. I hooked my fingers under his chin and lifted his head; slowly, those blue eyes found mine, and I smiled at him.

“There we go,” I said. “It’s not your fault, Kieron. You did everything you could. I don’t blame you, and no one else does either. If they _do_ blame you, I’ll have words with them, because unlike them, I was _there_ , and I know it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t fail me.”

And then I leaned forward, and touched my lips to his own.

He remained unflinching and silent for a long moment, until he sighed, his lips softening against mine, and strong arms wound around me, crushing me to him. I’d never quite been _hugged_ by him before, I realized. Sure, we’d cuddled a few times – mostly for my benefit, and begrudgingly – but we’d never actually _hugged_. I might have hugged him, but never quite the other way around, and never with him being the one to initiate it.

Right now, though, the embrace was tight and firm and I couldn’t escape him if I wanted to.

I didn’t.

Instead I sank into his embrace and breathed deeply into his neck as the kiss ended.

“I love you,” I whispered, letting it flow through the bond.

His hold on me tightened; I felt it as he swallowed, hard, Adam’s apple bobbing against the side of my head.

**_I thought you died._ **

I drew in a slow breath at the sudden words in my head. _I’m still here. I’m here._

 ** _I felt… I couldn’t process…_** A pause, and then, vehemently: **_You_** _left **.**_

I flinched at the tone. _No, Kie, I didn’t leave. I’m here. I wouldn’t leave you._

I clung to him for a long moment, and he clung to me. Just the two of us standing there in the kitchen, holding onto each other like we’d drift away if we separated.

“The hamburger is burning,” he finally mumbled, but made no attempt to turn back to face the stove, or move away from me in the slightest. It was just an observation.

I laughed quietly, sniffing the air. “So it is.”

We ate burnt hamburgers that afternoon, but I was more than okay with it.

xXx

We spent that night sitting on the couch together, watching TV. An easy, silent night but it meant everything, with us curled together, unable to tell where one began and one ended.

Kieron’s thoughts were warm brushes against my mind; I enjoyed it, felt myself cocooned in his bright warmth.

The world was blue, and it was perfect.

xXx

I slept more soundly than I had in a while, but even so, I was little too aware of Kieron as he shifted next to me, clearly more than a little restless.

I wanted to drape myself over him, pull him to me, _do something_ , but I stayed where I was. I knew he didn’t want to address anything right now, and honestly, I was still sore. I knew what we both wanted and needed, but it could wait at least another day. No matter how much we wanted it right now.

Quick flickers of his thoughts assured me he felt the same; he would not let me do anything tonight, despite our more primal urges attempting to force us together. His animalistic half wanted to claim me again; I was all for it. Over and over again. Forever.

Always forever.

I nearly died, but we got a second chance, and all I wanted to do right then was be with him.

It had been a long road. I nearly lost him in so many ways – first to death with the golden blade, then death again with the poison, and then because of my own stupidity and words spoken in anger. Then he nearly lost himself to the presence in his mind, again because of me. And then I nearly died.

How often could we get lucky, and both come out of it alive and together?

We’d been so lucky so far, but somehow, I knew our luck wouldn’t last.

It was only a matter of time.

If we didn’t stop Exrie… then neither of us would ever be safe.

Exrie wouldn’t stop until Kieron was dead.

Some of those Etherians wouldn’t stop until I was dead, thinking that was the best answer. They were mistaken, I knew; Exrie would see my death as a setback, but it wouldn’t stop him. He was so powerful already, able to destroy Miitha Tiaydh.

He wanted me, but at this point he didn’t _need_ me to take over Ethereal.

A battle was coming. I could feel it. Lines were being drawn, factions divided, and somewhere in the middle stood the two of us.

We wouldn’t be safe until Exrie was dead.

Something needed to happen.

Something.

xXx

I woke the next morning to the smell of pancakes.

Kieron’s pancakes.

I smiled as I entered the kitchen to find him putting the last of the pancakes onto a plate, juggling the plate as he reached for the syrup. I snagged the syrup from him and took it to the table, hungrily eying the pancakes. They smelled delicious; Kieron’s pancakes were the _best_.

A few minutes later we were seated at the table with our drinks and food, and we started eating in an amiable silence. Warm brushes slid across my mind, feather-light touches against my own thoughts, before they slid away into the bond. I sighed happily, swallowing my mouthful of food.

 _I love you,_ I sent his way.

He smirked around his fork.

**_You just love me for my food._ **

I laughed quietly; humor was good. I hadn’t heard him joke around in a while. I missed his sarcastic quips.

“Untrue,” I said. “The sex is also amazing.”

His eyes flashed briefly, growing so wonderfully bright before the glow died down as he regained control of himself. He threw me a quick scowl, eating another mouthful of food.

“Admit it,” I said. “It’s pretty awesome.”

Blue eyes rolled exasperatedly, but the warmth was there all the same.

I missed this. Lazy breakfast with Kieron.

I missed him being so open.

I just missed him in general. Things had been so chaotic lately… it was nice to just sit here and be the two of us.

xXx

Lacy and Tommy wanted to have dinner with us. Or, rather, Lacy was demanding we all get together, as a family, to celebrate my release from the hospital and everything. It was very hard to argue with her; even Tommy was on her side, willing to speak to Kieron so things went smoothly. After snapping at him in the hospital, Tommy seemed to realize Kieron wasn’t to blame; none of it was his fault. Kieron saved me.

Because of this, Tommy was willing to apologize.

Kieron, on the other hand, was being stubborn.

“No.”

“You can’t just say ‘no’, Kie,” I said, rolling my eyes. “It’s just dinner. Lacy wants a family dinner.”

“I’m not family.”

My eyes narrowed. “Yes, you are.”

“I’m really not.”

“You _are_.”

He scowled at me, and I stared right back at him.

“You’re family,” I told him firmly. “Whether you like it or not.”

He didn’t really understand the concept of family. At least, not how it should be, anyway. His parents sent him to the Lake as a small child, to be perpetually punished for something he had absolutely no control over. Farrow was probably more of a parent to him than his biological parents. Kieron had a sister, but from what I could gather, they were pretty distant. I hadn’t seen her in a long time, since before he was stabbed with a golden blade when our plan to capture Exrie went to hell, so long ago. He had a brother he just found out about, but they’d never met, despite certain similarities between them. In his eyes he didn’t really have a family; he didn’t understand the concept. They were just words. He understood he was related by blood, but beyond that… there was really nothing.

My own family was a point of interest for him, as he’d never experienced it himself. His family as more than distant, they were actually more than a little cruel to him, all because he was animalistic. At the age of five, they pretty much disowned him and abandoned him to live his life at the Lake, under the watchful eye of the Elders, with the threat of eternal punishment looming over him if he did not convince them he was… what? Normal? I was still a little unclear in that regard; he tricked them by training with Farrow and erecting adequate shields against them, letting them see only what he wanted them to see, and somehow that convinced them he wouldn’t become overly violent like the animalistic perpetuals of the past. Kieron didn’t think on it much, and honestly, neither did I. I was just grateful he was here, that Farrow helped him and he managed to convince the Elders to let him leave the Lake, though they still maintained a watchful eye on him.

“I hurt your brother, Terry,” Kieron said, growing slightly irritated. If he was more animalistic right now, his fur would be standing on end. As it was, his shoulders were hunched and his teeth were bared, if only slightly. “I’m not family, and they don’t want me there.”

“They _do_ ,” I said, frowning at him. “Tommy said he’s going to apologize to you.”

“I don’t need you fighting my battles.”

“You think I _made_ him want to apologize? This isn’t my doing; this is all him. His idea. His decision. He realizes he was wrong, and he wants to make things right. Won’t you let him?”

“I hurt him.”

“He deserved it,” I replied. “And you were on edge already. He was being an ass. It’s not your fault.”

“Stop _defending_ me.”

“Then what would you have me do?”

He was still on edge, even after I told him it wasn’t his fault. Even after I told him he didn’t fail me. I thought he believed me, but of course there was a part of him which would never be satisfied, which would always view himself as a failure in that moment. He was his own worst enemy sometimes.

“It’s not your fault,” I told him again, softly this time, as he growled under his breath. “Okay? None of it is, Kieron. You didn’t fail me at all. Hear me? _At all_. None of this is your fault.” I took in a breath. “And Tommy was an ass, and he wants to make it up to you. We’re having a family dinner, and yes, you’re coming. You’re family, and I love you, and I want you there.”

His shoulders slumped somewhat. “Fine.”

I smirked. “Get dressed. As much as I love you in just your underwear… I don’t think Tommy will appreciate the image.”

xXx

Lacy grinned at me from across the table.

“You look much better,” she commented.

“Thanks,” I said.

Her gaze slid toward Kieron, who was eying the menu, slouching in his chair. He didn’t want to be here, but at least he was attempting to look casual.

“You do too, Mr. Grouchy Pants,” she said.

Kieron’s gaze slid toward her briefly, before back to the menu even though we both knew what he was going to get. “Thanks?”

“Tommy wanted to say something. Didn’t you, Tommy?”

“Ow! Your elbows hurt,” my brother complained, before sighing. “But, yes. I wanted… to say sorry, Kieron. For being an ass at the hospital. I was just worried about Terry, but you were, too, and I shouldn’t have snapped at you. You had every right to lash out at me after I snapped at you. I’m sorry.”

Kieron stared at the menu for a moment, eyes no longer moving across the page, his grip on the menu tight. Finally he drew in a breath and gave a tight nod.

“Apology accepted,” he said softly.

The waiter approached the table, putting down the extra napkins along with our drinks.

“Have you decided what you would like to eat?” the waiter asked.

We ordered, all of us getting variations of steak, and he scurried off again.

“How are you feeling, Terry?” Lacy asked, sipping at her iced tea.

I shrugged, sitting back in the chair a little more comfortable, the warm brush of the bond thrumming through me. “Fine, I guess. Much better. Not as sore.”

This I said as I slid a glance toward Kieron, because those words were for him, too.

I wasn’t sore at all anymore, unless I accidentally hit my stomach or something. The muscles were still a little tender, like they were cramping, but that was it. I was fine now. I’d been stabbed through with a sword, but I was fine.

Because of Kieron.

“That’s good,” Lacy said, grinning at me. “We were worried about you.”

“I’m fine,” I said.

Tommy snorted. Lacy elbowed him again. She had pointy elbows.

“What your brother means is,” Lacy said, tossing Tommy a pointed look, “we’re happy you’re okay, but you had us worried. What even happened? We were never told everything…”

I remained silent. So did Kieron, and Tommy. Kieron was enamored with the placemat beneath his silverware, tracing patterns over it with his finger. Tommy just looked at me, willing me to answer, but I said nothing.

Telling them wouldn’t help, and Tommy already knew what happened. I had no idea what story had been spun for Lacy, and I didn’t want to ruin it by saying something that contradicted it. So I stayed silent.

Lacy sighed. “I know you like your secrets, but, Terry… we were worried. All we were told was the two of you were attacked in an alley, and Kieron managed to stabilize you before getting you to the hospital. You’re lucky to be alive. Kieron’s quick thinking saved you. But who attacked you, and why?”

I stayed silent, lips pursing as I held my tongue.

“It was retaliation,” Kieron finally said, his voice soft and quiet, a mere whisper.

Instantly he had everyone’s attention.

“Retaliation?” Lacy echoed, frowning. “What do you mean?”

Kieron took in a slow breath, shoulders straightening. His eyes finally lifted from the table, and he held Lacy’s gaze, his mouth a thin white line. “It’s my fault.”

“What do you mean?” Lacy asked again, worriedly.

“Kieron,” I hissed. “You know it’s not your fault.”

How often did I have to tell him? He did absolutely nothing wrong! It wasn’t his fault! And even if it was, I didn’t blame him. I could never blame him.

“From where I’m in the marines,” he clarified. “Someone tracked me down here, and attacked me. Us. Terry was collateral damage to them. I managed to chase them off, but they’re still out there, lurking. That’s why I disappeared for a while; it was safer for Terry if I stayed away.”

I stared at Kieron. We all did. The story he told… it was a lie, but only partially. It wasn’t a retaliation attack, at least not against him; however, people were hunting me, wanting me dead now, because they thought that was the easiest way to stop Exrie. They were still out there, waiting, lurking, as Kieron said.

Kieron’s story fit well enough, and gave him a reason to disappear. A reason I didn’t like. Even in this fabricated story, I didn’t need him disappearing for my benefit, to protect me. I was so tired of being protected.

“That… That’s awful!” Lacy said, horrified. “Have the police caught them?”

Kieron shook his head. “Not yet, but they’re looking.”

“Will they attack you again, do you think?” Earlier she was worried; now she looked scared, and I hated it. Tommy put an arm around her and pulled her toward him.

“It’s likely,” Kieron said. “That’s why I’m leaving.”

“ _What_?” I hissed, staring at him.

“What?” Lacy echoed.

“You are?” Tommy asked, also confused.

“You’re not _leaving_ ,” I snapped, glaring at him.

My perpetual’s gaze slid toward me. **_I leave in the morning, Terry. It’s already planned._**

My pulse stuttered. _What? Why the hell didn’t you tell me? What do you mean? What are you doing? I’m going with you._

**_Slow down. You’re not coming with me; you’re staying here where it’s safe. The Etherians don’t know where you live._ **

_Bullshit! You’re not leaving me here again!_

“Why are you leaving?” Lacy asked, dragging us back to the present, pulling us from our mental argument.

I continued to glare at him even as he ended the mental conversation and turned his gaze toward Lacy.

“It’s safer for Terry if I leave, since they’re after me. I have a lead on where they might be; I’m taking a team to track them down.”

“Can’t the police just put you in protective custody?”

Kieron shook his head. “They’re too dangerous, and cunning. And there’s many of them. We think we found a stronghold, though; we’re going to investigate, and it’s just safer if Terry remains here.”

“Fuck that,” I said.

“He has a point,” Tommy murmured, looking away.

“I don’t like this plan,” Lacy said, frowning deeply.

_Why the fuck didn’t you tell me, Kieron?_

Why wait until _now_ to tell me he was _leaving in the morning_? That was so close, and with little warning. I wasn’t prepared. I couldn’t be separated from him _again_. I just couldn’t.

It was too much.

A snarl lodged in my throat. Kieron’s eyes caught and held my own, grounding me.

“I have to go,” he said, mostly just to me. For me. “I’m sorry.”

“Fuck that!” I said again, growling under my breath. Fire burned along my skin, that itching feeling returning. Kieron couldn’t leave me here. Not again. “I’m going with you.”

“Terry,” Lacy said slowly, “Kieron is trained to handle this type of situation; you aren’t. As much as I hate this plan… he does have a point. Just come home safe, Kieron.”

“I will,” Kieron said, still not looking away from me.

_You can’t do this._

_You can’t do this to me again._

_Do you hear me?_

**_I’m sorry. I’m not supposed to even be here. The Elders told me to stay away._ **

_Why the fuck would they say that?_

**_Because I’m supposed to be looking for the traitors, and it’s not safe to be around you right now._ **

_What does that mean? Why not? Not safe how?_

**_I could lead them to you. We’re not supposed to have any contact with you._ **

_What the_ fuck _, Kieron? Why the hell…? That’s so stupid! I’m bonded to you; you have to be with me._

He couldn’t _not_ be with me. It was unacceptable. I’d been without him for so long already – first because I messed up and accidentally called him an _animal_ , then to the presence, being sealed away… No. I couldn’t be alone again. I needed him here with me.

We had to be together.

I startled when food was placed in front of me, the waiter bringing us our meals. I blinked at the steak, suddenly not hungry. I was starving when we arrived, but now…

_Kieron, you can’t leave._

He couldn’t leave. He couldn’t leave me here, again. No. Unacceptable. My skin itched.

“Terry, are you okay?” Lacy asked, worriedly. “You kind of spaced out…”

“I’m fine,” I said sharply, and then winced. “Sorry, I just… I need to use the restroom.”

I gave Kieron a narrow-eyed look.

He sighed, pushing to his feet. “Apparently I have to use the restroom, too.”

I felt Tommy and Lacy’s eyes on us as we walked away from the table, toward the bathroom. We didn’t go into the bathroom, though; instead we went out the back exit and ended up in a side alley; it was shadowed from the daylight, but empty save for us and a trash can.

I took in a slow breath, glancing at my perpetual.

“You’re not leaving me,” I told him firmly. “Do you understand? I’ll go with you. I’ll stay somewhere safe if I _have_ to, but you’re going to be with me, do you hear me? We’re not separating again.”

“It’s not your choice to make.”

“It _is_. Stop deciding things for me!”

“The Elders-”

“Fuck them,” I snapped, glaring. “They don’t know anything about me, or us. They have their own agenda. I need you with me. Okay? I’m not… I can’t…”

The breath I inhaled was ragged and raw, scraping against my lungs.

“We’ve… We’ve been through a lot, Kieron. And it’s taking its toll, I know. I know how serious the situation is in Ethereal. I know. But I just… The Elders aren’t always right.”

“I can’t disobey them,” Kieron said, frowning at me.

If he disobeyed a direct order, he would be punished. He would probably already be punished for even seeing me, if it was true that they were told _not_ to visit me, even after I nearly died.

“Look, Terry… I know how hard it is right now, but I have to go, okay? I’ll come back soon.”

I shook my head. “No. Fuck that.”

“We don’t really have another option here.”

“Yes, we do. I’m going with you.”

A brow quirked. “You’re not. Even if I have to tie you to the bed and call your brother to free you after I leave. You’re not coming with me.”

I swallowed at the threat, at the sincerity in his words. He would do that to keep me here, keep me safe. _Safe_. I was always kept safe, and I hated it. I had to be with Kieron. If I had to be kept safe then he had to as well, right? After all, my powers were connected to him. One would think they’d want us together, and the both of us kept safe, not just me.

But Kieron was an animalistic perpetual of the lower third of the pyramid; he was a fighter, and he was needed in the war. I understood that; I did. I didn’t like it, but yes, I did understand. But this was different. So much had happened already… I just wanted to be safe with Kieron. That was all.

Was that really so much to ask?

“Kieron, please,” I said quietly, watching him, knowing I was losing the battle. I could tell by his stance, by the curl of his lips, by the tint to his eyes. He was standing firm on this. He had orders; if he disobeyed, the punishment would be harsh. I didn’t want him to get hurt for disobeying… but having him leave me here again… “Please, Kie. I can’t…”

I swallowed and stepped closer to him. Dark blue eyes tracked my movements.

“So much has happened… you can’t leave me again. I don’t want to be ‘safe’ all the time. Please.”

He sighed. “I’m sorry, human. But you’re staying here.”

“Kieron, _please-_ ”

“No.”

“Kieron-”

“ _No_.”

I swallowed again, staring at him. Desperate. Losing the battle. Losing him. He would slip away tomorrow, without me. No. I couldn’t let it happen.

“Let’s get back in there before your brother comes hunting for us,” Kieron said, nodding back at the doorway. “We’ll discuss it more tonight if you want, but my answer isn’t changing. I agree with the Elders. It’s safer if… you’re alone. Here. Safe.”

I shook my head viciously. “ _No_ , Kieron. No. I don’t want to be here. What good is being _safe_ if I’m alone? Stay with me.”

“I can’t.”

“Kieron, _please_ , I can’t-”

“I’m sorry.”

“ _Please-_ ”

“I’ll be hunting them down, anyway; it’s not like you’d be with me there. And you’re safer here. When the ban is lifted… I’ll be back.”

“Ban?” I echoed, frowning at him. “What the fuck does that mean?”

_Too much._

This was entirely too much.

Could we never catch a break?

Kieron took in a slow breath. “We’re not supposed to see you at all, Terry. Not even from afar. We aren’t supposed to come to Earth _at all_ , or use the gateways. Not until these traitors are caught. It’s a slow process. I took a risk just coming here.”

I knew he did, but I was grateful nevertheless that he was here now. I needed him here with me.

He shifted his stance a little, putting his weight on his right leg instead of his left. I watched the movement, watched the way he drew in a slow breath and released it sharply, watched the way his tongue flicked briefly across his lips, wetting them.

I stepped closer to him, swallowing. “Kieron…”

“Later,” he said. “We’ll talk later.”

“But…”

“Later. We’re at dinner right now; let’s focus on that.”

I sighed but nodded; he was right. Lacy invited us to dinner and now wasn’t the time to discuss this. But I _was_ going with him. We weren’t separating. If the Elders didn’t like it, oh well. It was my decision, and they needed to stop making decisions for me. I didn’t want to be kept safe all the time, especially without Kieron. He needed to be kept safe too. If he died…

_No. Stop that._

Thinking about it was impossible.

“Are you ready?” Kieron asked, nodding at the doorway.

I drew in a shaky breath and nodded, forcing a smile.

He snorted and pushed the door open.

Lacy and Tommy looked at us as we approached. Lacy wore a frown while Tommy quirked a brow at me.

“Everything okay?” Lacy asked.

“Yeah,” Kieron said. “We’re good.”

We sat at the table. I cut into my steak.

xXx

I lay awake that night while Kieron slept beside me, all deep and even breaths. We came home from dinner and he snuck away to the shower, then went to bed, claiming fatigue. So we never got to talk; not that I could persuade him anyway. He was very firm about this for some reason. We’d disobeyed the Elders in the past; I wouldn’t let anything happen to him. So why was he so stubborn now?

_I can’t let him leave me here._

I had this feeling that the minute I fell asleep, he’d sneak away.

I would wake alone.

And who knew when I would see him again? How long was this ‘ban’ going to be in place? No. I couldn’t let him leave.

I took in a breath and crawled out of bed. I’d seen _Perez_ in here yesterday, in the closet on the top shelf. Kieron said he couldn’t think of a better place to put Perez right now; it wasn’t safe in Ethereal, and I was being kept safe, so… with me seemed like a good idea.

Now I was grateful for the rock’s presence.

I plucked the stone from the shelf and slunk into the living room.

“Hey, you awake, Perez?”

Did presences even sleep?

What is it you need?

I drew in a quick breath, startled only briefly at the sudden response. “Kieron is planning on leaving me here for an unknown amount of time, and I can’t let that happen. Okay? I can’t. And if he won’t let me go with him… then I need a way to keep him here. When he’s missing for too long, Ashere will come looking for him, and I can explain to him that… that we’re not being separated again.”

We thought you had emotional emphasis?

I blinked, having forgotten about that. “Yeah, but… I don’t really know how to control it.” I hadn’t used it on Kieron in a long time. I didn’t like controlling him, although as he explained, it wasn’t really controlling him; he had to want to do what I said, at least deep down. And it was getting easier for him to resist; he’d have a brief moment of a daze, then he’d be fine.

Why do you wish to keep Kieron here? Does he not have duty elsewhere? Ashere gave him only a few days; his time is up tomorrow.

I frowned. “What do you know about that?”

We were with him when it was discussed. He brought us here.

Kieron was carrying this rock around with him in Ethereal, and he brought it here. For some reason that felt wrong. This was the being that almost ruined my perpetual; and yet he was carrying it around. He brought it here. I thought it was odd the rock was here, of course, but I thought maybe Ashere dropped it off here when I went to the hospital or something…

I gritted my teeth. “Kieron isn’t going back to Ethereal tomorrow.”

Kieron is on a strict time schedule. He must arrive at the designated location by sundown tomorrow. He must leave in the morning to make it on time. Preferably in 2.3 hours.

My dentist would be very unhappy with me at the moment. “He isn’t going. Do you understand? I can’t let him go. It… I just… It feels _wrong_ , okay?”

And my arms were itching again. Kieron couldn’t leave. He had to stay here. It was a feeling I had just like I did back in Ethereal, when we were attacked and I was stabbed. I felt off then, too, and wouldn’t let him leave me; wouldn’t let him go outside. He probably would have been attacked, quickly dispatched by a surprise bullet to the head, and then they would have killed me. But I kept him with me, the bond screaming with it, for his safety as well as my own. It was doing much the same now. I had to keep him here. There was no way around it.

I couldn’t let him leave.

“So just… just… give me a way to keep him here, please.”

You cannot keep him here against his will. That is wrong.

“Yes, but it’s for his _safety_ , okay? Do you want him to get hurt again?”

We regret that we hurt him. We do not wish to see him hurt.

Was that regret in the rock’s tone? I shook my head, sighing. “Then give me a way to keep him from leaving. Just for a day. By then Ashere will probably come here looking for him and we can discuss things properly. Okay? Please?”

… What is it you are asking us, Terrence?

“Ugh, Terry, please. And I’m asking you to give me _something_ , a way to keep him here, anything. A drug, a… a... _anything_.”

It felt so wrong to say that, to want to drug my boyfriend so he didn’t leave, but it was imperative that he remain here. If he didn’t… if he left me here alone…

My arms were so _itchy_. I kept rubbing my hands up and down them, but of course it did little to help. It was more mental than anything; the bond knew something I didn’t. It was trying to keep us both safe. I’d fought it in the past, but now I would not give into it. I wouldn’t let Kieron leave without me. He couldn’t. He either had to take me with him or remain here. It was safe here. We needed to stay here and wait for Ashere to show up. Dettere might be angry with Kieron, but that was nothing new, and I wouldn’t let the Elder hurt my perpetual. I would not allow it, _at all_.

“Please,” I said softly, when the rock remained silent and dark, no longer glowing softly. “Please, anything. Is there any drug or anything I can give him that will knock him out long enough for the day to pass and Ashere to get here? Or some other way I can keep him here? Please, Perez. I’m desperate, here.”

The rock remained silent for a long time. Was he – it – even listening to me?

I growled under my breath and turned away, frustrated.

Why even bother talking to a rock? Perez ruined everything. Everything was fine until he got trapped in Kieron’s body. This was that presence’s fault. If it hadn’t contacted me, told me to go to Miitha Tiaydh… then Kieron and I never would have fought. We never would have gone there. It never would have possessed Kieron to speak with me. It never would have gotten stuck in Kieron. None of this would have happened. The least the presence could do was answer me and help me keep Kieron safe.

I wasn’t physically strong enough to keep Kieron here. He would always be stronger than me, and if he was determined to leave, nothing I could do would stop him. He thought this was for my safety, so I knew he wouldn’t be swayed. But I had to do this for _his_ safety, and to do that I needed a way to keep him from leaving. Emotional emphasis, maybe, but I had no idea how that really worked; I only ever used it on accident. Something about my tone, my inflection, and the emotion behind it – but I didn’t think it was something I could force. I could try it, of course, but if it failed… then what would I do? What would I do if he left anyway?

My blood ran hot, burning and itching my skin.

_No. I can’t let that happen._

Something… something would happen if he left. I was sure of it.

I couldn’t let it happen. No.

“Please,” I said again. “Anything. Just… _please_.”

I knew perpetuals couldn’t be around or break through gold, and there were those chains from Kieron’s memories, the ones used to throw perpetuals into the Lake, but I would never do something like that to him. The easiest would be to make him sleep for the day; he’d miss the deadline, and Ashere would come looking. Kieron would be angry with me, sure, but he’d be safe. He’d be safe and that was all that mattered right now.

_Please don’t hate me for this, Kie… Please understand I’m only trying to do this because I love you, and I know something will happen if you go…_

Your bond with the perpetual is strong. 

Perez’s voice was sudden. I jumped, my back to the rock still.

“Yes,” I whispered softly. “It is.”

You truly think harm will befall your bonded if he leaves today.

“Yes,” I said again, in that same quiet voice.

Then we will help you. We do not wish harm to befall him again. We have seen his memories and lived in his body as he does. Pain is not pleasant. To keep him here, there is a ‘drug’, as you call it.

I nodded, turning to face the rock. “Tell me.”

 


	43. Disobeying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terry does something he doesn't quite regret, even if Kieron hates him for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the other chapter, as promised. Hopefully I'll get back to work on this story and finish it soon xD And I do still intend for there to be a fourth story at some point, but I've been writing these boys almost nonstop since 2012... I need a break from them, hence my long absence with them. I apologize. I'll get back to them eventually, don't worry, I love them way too much to give them up. (Plus Kieron might kill me, so) But anyway, enjoy!

Chapter Forty-Three: Disobeying

 

I was up when Kieron woke. He tried to sneak out; by the time he left the bedroom he was dressed, with a duffel slung over his shoulder, though he had to know I was still in the apartment. I kept my thoughts easy and calm; perhaps he thought I was asleep on the couch or something. He blinked when he saw me, then nodded at me in greeting.

“We need to talk,” I said.

“We already talked about it yesterday.”

“Not really,” I told him, shaking my head. “We said we’d talk later, and rejoined Lacy and Tommy. Then we never talked about it here. So, we need to talk.”

“Human, I’m on a time limit.”

“I know. But hear me out.”

Kieron sighed, dropping his duffel onto the floor next to his feet. “Talk,” he said.

I nodded, watching him from where I sat on the couch, the TV on but so low it might as well have been muted. “Come sit with me.”

He moved to do as told, taking his seat next to me. I drew in a slow breath.

“You know I don’t want you going without me.”

He sighed. “You’re not coming with me. I’m not even supposed to be seeing you right now. I… disobeyed.”

He shifted a little.

I sighed. “So you already disobeyed; let me go back with you. I’ll tell them it was my fault. You won’t get in trouble.”

“You’re not coming with me,” he said again, firmly, eyes narrowed at me. “It’s safer for you here.”

I drew in a slow breath. “The bond wants us to stick together.”

He quirked a brow. “What do you mean?”

“Remember how, when, uh… when you took me to the Lake the first time, after you were re-assigned there because they thought Exrie would try and take it? And he wound up doing so?”

He nodded.

“You said something about how the bond didn’t want me staying here – and you let me go with you. Well, it’s like that now.”

He frowned. “Are you sure?”

“My skin is itching and burning just like then, Kieron. Mostly when I think of you going there alone… but also when I think of us both going, just… not as much,” I admitted. “So we need to stick together. Preferably, we need to both stay here, where it’s _safe_ , and Ashere can come find us tomorrow.”

Kieron remained silent for a long moment, blue eyes watching me carefully. I hoped that meant he was really thinking about this; I wasn’t sure what I’d do if I had to actually use the back-up plan. I’d do it, though; letting him leave wasn’t an option. Not without me. But still… the alternative choice… it ate at me. I didn’t want to do that to him. He’d be so angry, and maybe would never forgive me… but at least he’d be safe. And that mattered more than his attitude toward me right now. If he left… if he walked out that door…

My arms burned. I rubbed my hands up and down them, biting down hard on my lower lip. Kieron watched me all the while.

“No,” he finally said.

My heart raced. “But, Kieron-”

He shook his head. “I understand that the bond doesn’t want me to go; I understand that _you_ don’t want me to go. I know you want to go with me, or want me to stay here, but neither of those are options. I’m sorry. I’m not even supposed to be here right now.”

“Kieron, _please-_ ”

“No. You have to remain here. I have disobeyed enough. You need to stay here where it’s safe.”

“So do you,” I argued weakly. “You have to be safe, too. Why would they tell you to stay away? It makes no sense! They have to know I’d want you here with me. If you aren’t safe, I’m going to lose my mind, do you hear me?”

“My hands are tied here, human.”

“No, they’re not,” I muttered, shaking my head. “You’re just letting them tell you what to do _again_.”

“It’s the way things are.”

“Well, it’s stupid! You’re not staying away from me, do you hear me? I won’t allow it!”

“It’s not your choice to make.”

“Stop making decisions about my own safety without me!”

“Human-”

“ _No_ ,” I snapped, glaring at him. “You’re not doing this to me! None of you are! We have to stick together!”

“You’re being difficult.”

“Well, _sorry_ for the inconvenience,” I snapped, glaring at him. “But you’re not leaving me here alone, got it?”

“I will tie your ass to the bed.”

“You wouldn’t dare,” I said.

His eyes flashed. A second later I found myself on my stomach, wrists held together behind my back by one of Kieron’s hands. A snarl lodged in my perpetual’s throat; a gulp lodged in my own. Already my mind was flickering back to the screamers, back to John, back to Rufus and the surprise sex, and my breaths became these short, staccato things, and-

“Relax,” he snapped

I did. Instantly.

“Don’t make me tie you up, Terry. I will if I have to. You’re not coming with me.”

He didn’t release me, but his grip did loosen. I twisted my wrists, and managed to break free because he allowed it. He stayed sitting on my back, though; I couldn’t sit up unless he wanted me to.

“We’re supposed to have a vacation,” I whispered pathetically. “We’re supposed to be together, Kieron.”

“I know,” he said softly. “I’m sorry. It will happen in time.”

“Please don’t leave me here.”

It was all I had – my final attempt.

If this failed…

“ _Please_ ,” I said again, trying for emotional emphasis, but he just sighed.

“I’m sorry, human.”

Desperation clawed at my throat. “ _Please-_ ”

“Stop that. I know what you’re trying to do. Knock it off.”

I drew in a shaky breath. “Kieron, _please-_ ”

“Don’t make me do it, Terry.”

The tone of his voice gave me pause. It was regretful, hesitant, but still somehow certain. He would seriously tie me up if he had to; I wouldn’t be leaving with him.

Which meant I couldn’t let him leave.

He had to stay here with me.

“Let me just – breakfast,” I said quietly. “Let’s just at least have breakfast together.”

Kieron stayed silent for a moment, before his weight shifted off of me. I rolled over and sat up, wincing before glancing at my perpetual. Dark blue eyes watching me suspiciously. “You’re giving in…? That easily?”

I swallowed thickly. “I obviously can’t change your mind. At least give me breakfast. Maybe… maybe the burning will stop by then. All I’m asking for is an hour, Kieron.”

He paused. Thought about it for a moment. Nodded.

I tried to keep the sinking feeling out of my stomach, but it remained nevertheless. I would not enjoy what I had to do next – but I’d do it. I’d do it because this was to keep Kieron safe. He could hate me for it later – but at least he’d be safe.

_I’m so sorry… please don’t hate me…_

I kept them from my surface thoughts; I knew he could pick up on those easily. He had to know I felt upset about something, maybe guilty, but he probably assumed it was because of the fact I was forced to stay here. He didn’t think I would do anything; he had no reason to think I would or could. He trusted me.

And I was going to break that trust.

_Oh, God, don’t hate me…_

_I just need you safe…_

_Please don’t hate me…_

xXx

I made omelets.

I had never made them before; to my knowledge he’d never had one.

I made sure to add the extra ingredient to both of them. It did nothing to humans – but animalistic perpetuals… it left them very sleepy. Very sleep, and easily swayed. I could get him to take a nap. He wouldn’t wake for close to twelve hours.

By then, it’d be too late to make the rendezvous with the others. I could even wake him in a few hours and feed him more of it; it would just make him sleep longer, but would not hurt him. Perez assured me of this; Kieron would not be harmed. He would just sleep very deeply, for a long time.

_I’m so sorry…_

When it came time to add the ingredient… my hands shook. Kieron was showering; I’d told him to use the shower again before he left, since I didn’t know when he’d be back. He might as well enjoy himself for the next hour. He agreed, and slipped away to shower, leaving me alone in the kitchen area; free to do as I pleased. Free to tamper with his food.

The guilt gnawed at me. I was breaking his trust. Again.

First I called him an animal; the distance then had been terrible, but I had merely said a word I immediately wished I could take back. This… I would be physically betraying his trust.

_I’m sorry…_

_‘Better to ask forgiveness than permission,’_ someone once said.

I thought it was true; growing up, it was so much easier to say sorry than to ask to do the deed in the first place. Sneaking out late at night to see the late showing at the movies with friends? Sorry, Dad. Tampering with my boyfriend’s food so he would sleep for hours… for his safety…

_Sorry, Kie…_

The shower shut off.

I listened, acutely aware of the sudden lack of the sound of running water. Kieron would be rejoining me soon.

I almost didn’t add the extra ingredient.

But the thought of him leaving…

My arms itched and burned. My skin was on fire. My head throbbed sharply.

_No._

I almost didn’t tamper with his food.

Almost.

xXx

Kieron slept for a long time.

He woke six hours into his impromptu nap, and looked at me with tired eyes, obviously out of it. He slurred a question. I gave him more of the ingredient.

He promptly fell back to sleep, still confused.

I was the worst person in the world. I was the worst boyfriend ever.

I betrayed his trust – and I didn’t regret it.

I hated that I had to do this, that he would hate me when he woke – but not the act of actually doing it. Because it needed to happen. He gave me no other choice, and the bond refused to let him leave. If he left… if he left alone…

_No._

He could be angry with me when he woke, but at least he’d be safe. I’d beg for forgiveness, and I had no idea what I would do if he chose to ignore me.

If he chose the close the bond, and leave anyway.

Every time I attempted to imagine it, my mind stopped me; it couldn’t fathom the thought any more than I could.

But it couldn’t fathom me letting him leave even more.

I had to keep him here for as long as I could.

The bond was adamant about this. If he left, something would happen.

_I’m so, so sorry, Kieron. Please forgive me. I just want you safe. I need you safe. I’m sorry._

I pushed these thoughts his way.

Whether he heard them or not, or understood them in his sleep, was another matter entirely.

xXx

Kieron slept for twenty-one hours.

I stayed with him the whole time, keeping watch and contemplating what I would do when he woke. He’d probably be confused at first, Perez told me, but the memories would return. He would realize what I did. And he’d hate me for it.

He had every right to hate me for it.

_I’m so sorry._

I eventually fell asleep – I wasn’t sure when that happened, but I woke to Kieron snarling.

My eyes flew open wide as my perpetual shoved me away from him. He hovered over me, dark eyes flashing dangerously as another snarl ripped free of his throat. His hands fisted in my shirt, lifting me up while simultaneously slamming me back down as he sat atop my legs.

“ _What did you do?_ ”

The words were hissed through clenched teeth, his expression contorted into a savage sneer.

My pulse raced. “I’m so sorry,” I said instantly. “Oh, fuck, I’m so sorry, Kieron, I’m _so sorry-_ ”

“ _What did you do!_ ” he snarled, lifting me up to slam me back down, lips curling back to show pointed canines.

“I’m sorry!” I said quickly, staring up at him. “I’m so fucking sorry, Kieron! But I had to! You left me no choice!”

“What’d you _do_!”

“I tampered with your food, Kieron, I’m so sorry-”

“I slept for an entire fucking _day_!”

“I know, and I’m _so sorry-_ ”

Kieron released me with a snarl. I almost wished he would have just punched me, because suddenly having him standing across the room with his back to me was so much worse.

“You fucking _drugged_ me,” he said sharply. “You drugged me!”

“I’m so sorry,” I said, sitting up and watching him carefully. “The bond… it just… I couldn’t let you leave, okay? I’m so sorry. I didn’t… I didn’t want to drug you, Kieron, but you gave me no other choice! I had to keep you here!”

I crawled out of bed and took a careful step toward him.

He snarled, back still to me. “Don’t fucking _come near me_ ,” he hissed. “Don’t you fucking _dare_.”

A sob caught in my throat. “I’m so _sorry_ , Kieron, _fuck-_ ”

“I knew you gave in too easily,” he said with a hollow laugh, and I just wanted to shrivel up and die. “I knew, but I didn’t think _you would do anything_. I thought I could trust you.”

“You _can_ trust me,” I rasped, staring at him, my heart hammering away in my chest.

“Obviously I can’t.”

“You _can_! I love you!”

Another snarl as his shoulders stiffened. “Don’t you say that. Not after what you did.”

His voice was quiet despite the snarl. It would have been kinder if he yelled.

I swallowed thickly. “Kieron, _please-_ ”

Another harsh snarl. “Shut up before I attack you,” he snapped. “I’m trying so fucking _hard_ to _silence it_ and you’re not fucking _helping_.”

To silence it.

Silence what?

I swallowed. _It_. The other half of him – the animalistic side. The second voice in his head. I heard it in his memories; it was torn about what to think about me. It had its own input on everything, usually wanting violence. With me it either wanted to kill me or claim me; it’d already claimed me.

And now…

 _I’m so fucking sorry, Kieron. I just couldn’t let you leave. Please,_ please _try to understand…_

I sent the thought his way. He snarled again.

The bond closed.

My breath caught in my throat, desperation making me dizzy. “Please not that,” I choked, taking another step forward. “Please, Kieron – _anything but that_.”

_I can’t lose you in my head again. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t._

Another step forward.

“Stay where you are,” Kieron growled. “Stay right where you are. I don’t know what I’ll do if you come closer right now.”

He drew in a trembling breath.

“Let me think. Alone. I need to process.”

Another breath, shoulders lifting with the movement.

“I don’t hate you,” he said firmly. “I don’t hate you. Give me time. Stay here.”

With that, he stalked out of the room.

I stared after his retreating form, lump forever stuck in my throat.

xXx

Kieron didn’t return for a few hours.

I paced through the apartment absently for a little while, before I sighed and crashed on the couch, staring up at the ceiling, the TV a dull drone in the background. Perez sat on the table but thankfully he remained silent; he said nothing like ‘I told you so’ or anything, and it wouldn’t have mattered if he did anyway. If Kieron left now… if he returned to Ethereal right now…

The burning didn’t occur, at least not as much. I still didn’t want him to leave, at least not without me, but if he were to return now, the bond didn’t argue as much. It wasn’t vital that he stay put now. So, I figured that was worth the pain of a mostly closed bond. The background hum was still there, but I had to focus a lot more to be able to even feel it or hear it at all. I clung to what I could feel and hear, though; clung to it like nothing else, the memories of the sealed bond still all too fresh in my mind.

 _He said he didn’t hate me. He’ll come back,_ I kept telling myself.

And telling myself.

Again and again.

By now it was late evening, and he still wasn’t back.

_He wouldn’t just leave me here, no matter how angry. He didn’t before, after I called him an animal. He still waited and left with me. He won’t just… just leave now. Right?_

Except, he had to return _with me_ before; now, he was supposed to return alone, and he was already a day late. Why wouldn’t he take off on his own and leave me here? In his eyes, I betrayed him _again_.

_I’m so sorry, Kieron. So fucking sorry, but I had to._

The burning wouldn’t let me just ignore it. I had to keep him here, at least at that time. It didn’t burn so much now; the bond thought it was safer for him to return now, instead of yesterday. That didn’t mean I liked it, though; I still hated the thought of him leaving me here, but it wasn’t absolutely vital that he remain here now.

Kieron didn’t return that night, at all.

I lay awake, exhausted but unwilling to sleep. I had to be awake when he came home.

I tried reaching him through the bond around midnight, but it was too closed for that to work; my thoughts bounced around in my head, and I was fairly certain he heard nothing. Desperation clawed through me as I lay on the couch, attempting to focus on the TV and late night news, but sadly, it didn’t capture or keep my attention. It was all background noise.

_Please come home, Kieron. Please. I can’t…_

It was too soon after the sealed bond; too soon after I nearly died, as well.

I needed him here with me. We needed to stick together right now.

Kieron wasn’t back by morning.

_He left me here._

_He left me here all alone._

_He left without even telling me he was leaving._

But I deserved no less.

I betrayed him. I betrayed his trust and I did it knowingly, willingly. I’d do it again if I had to, too. I felt terrible about betraying him, but not about the act itself; it was necessary, as he gave me no other choice. I told him the bond didn’t want him to return that day, like before, at the Lake, and he said it didn’t matter because he had a job to do. Disobeying meant punishment, and I didn’t want to see him punished (I wouldn’t _let_ him be punished, not for this, not for anything) but I had to keep him here. When he kept arguing, determined to leave me behind where it was _safe_ , I had no other choice but to slip something into his food and keep him here, at least a day longer.

He said he didn’t hate me, but he was still angry. He didn’t hate me, but he needed time away from me.

_I’m so, so sorry._

And I kept waiting. Waiting for him to come home.

He didn’t return until late afternoon. The door swung open and I sat up, confused and startled but also hopeful. When my gaze landed on him, my breath caught in my throat as he avoided direct eye contact and moved across the room.

“Kieron-” I managed.

He threw me a sharp look, silencing me.

He slipped into the bedroom.

A moment later, the shower turned on.

I remained seated on the couch, staring at where he disappeared, lump forever stuck in my throat.

xXx

We avoided each other most of that night.

After his shower, Kieron stayed in the bedroom. I hovered in the kitchen, debating about passing through to the bedroom, but in the end I decided against it. He asked for time; I would give it to him. I would give it to him because I betrayed him. I would give it to him because this was what he wanted. I would give it to him because instead of running off back to Ethereal, he came back here.

And he said he didn’t hate me, he just needed time.

So I mainly stayed in the living room. Occasionally I passed through the bedroom to use the restroom, but the room was always dark, and when I looked at the bed his back was always to me like he knew I was entering.

It was as I leaving the bedroom after using the restroom sometime around three in the morning that he finally spoke to me, startling me.

“Another perpetual died.”

His words were soft and gruff, like he wasn’t used to speaking at the moment.

He’d been silent for so long.

I swallowed and froze where I was, facing him. I couldn’t really make out many details through the darkness, only his outline. “W-What? When?”

“While I was… out.”

“Out?”

He drew in a slow breath. “While I was out of the apartment.”

I nodded; after he woke up, then.

Maybe that was why he stayed gone for so long.

“I’m so sorry,” I said quietly. “I should have been there.”

“It’s not your fault.”

This was true; a part of me knew that. Kieron left the apartment, so I couldn’t have been with him. But if I hadn’t betrayed him, the bond wouldn’t have been so closed that I didn’t feel his pain filtering through like I normally did. I could have helped him, even if I was just telling him it would be okay, even if I was just sharing the pain with him.

Instead, I betrayed him and he stormed out, and he was alone to face the pain.

“Was it… How bad was it?” I asked, because the worse the pain, the closer the perpetual in question was to them.

“Bad,” he mumbled.

I swallowed thickly. “I’m so sorry.”

I stepped across the room, toward the bed.

He made no sound or movement to stop me.

I sat on the edge of the bed, hesitating. Finally, I reached out, resting my hand on the curve of his ankle beneath the covers. He stiffened, but allowed it. I curled my fingers into the covers, along the slope of his ankle. “I’m sorry, Kieron. That must… I can’t imagine…”

I couldn’t imagine _knowing_ someone I knew was dead. Feeling it as it happened.

I got a taste of it when the bond was sealed; I didn’t need more than that. I knew it could get worse, but at the time, it certainly didn’t feel like it could. It burned, and ached, and slowly drove me insane. The only thing that kept me going was the fact it was temporary, and Kieron would be coming back.

Feeling a fellow perpetual die wasn’t exactly the same, but it was still a bond being severed. A bond of being a perpetual. And they felt it in excruciating agony.

And to know it was someone you personally knew and had a connection to, simply because the pain was more severe… but not knowing _who_ …

I couldn’t imagine that.

Kieron didn’t kick me out, but he didn’t say anything more to me, either.

For a long time, we just sat there.

Then he rolled over and stated he was tired.

I left him alone, and returned to the living room, not wishing to overstay my welcome.

xXx

Knocking at the door woke me.

I blinked my eyes open, unaware I’d even fallen asleep until then. Confusion clouded my mind; why was I on the couch? I staggered off the couch and to the door, tugging it open as sleep and confusion mingled in my mind.

“Ashere?” I asked, frowning.

Ashere narrowed his eyes at me. “Kieron is here. I smell him. Why is he still here?”

At his words, memories of the past few days returned to me.

The burning feeling every time I thought of Kieron leaving me here.

All but begging him to either take me with him or for him to stay here.

Drugging my perpetual.

I drugged him.

He said he didn’t hate me, but he’d yet to actually speak to me.

He took over the bedroom when he returned yesterday; at some point during the night, I must have fallen asleep.

“H-He… He just… It’s my fault,” I said weakly, swallowing thickly. “Please don’t blame him. It’s my fault.”

Ashere frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I… I couldn’t let him leave,” I said quickly, mouth so very dry. “I couldn’t let him… I just… The bond wouldn’t allow it, okay? I just… it… it kept _burning_ and I _couldn’t let him leave_.”

By now my breaths were quick, too. Ashere was watching me with that frown on his face; did he believe me? Did Kieron believe me? Or did he think I was just being a whiny human who wanted to get his way? It wasn’t like that at all! Yeah, I didn’t want him to leave me here, and I still would have asked to go with him or begged him to wait or something, but the burning… It was more than that. It was more than me just merely being… what? Clingy? It was more than me just being clingy. It wasn’t that I didn’t want him to go; it was that I _needed_ him to not go. I needed him to stay, at least for that day. If I thought about him leaving now… I still didn’t like it, but it didn’t burn like it did before.

Ashere watched me for a moment.

“Are the… Is… Is Dettere angry? It’s not Kie’s fault,” I told him.

“Where’s Kieron now?” Ashere asked instead of answering me, leaving me blinking at him.

“Bedroom,” I said softly.

Ashere nodded and entered the apartment, brushing past me. I jumped in front of him before he made it out of the living room, fighting back a growl. He couldn’t just walk into my bedroom like he owned the place, while my boyfriend was in there…

The boyfriend I drugged.

I shoved the primal instincts down and drew in a slow breath.

“I’m sorry,” I told him. “It’s not his fault.”

“I know it isn’t,” Ashere said, frowning. “Though I am curious as to how you convinced him to stay.”

I looked away, my stomach twisting.

Ashere stepped around me and entered the bedroom.

I stayed where I was for a long moment, before I joined him.

Kieron was sitting on the edge of the bed. His dark eyes slid over me briefly when I entered the room but didn’t remain on me, and he was still so distant through the bond. The lump in my throat threatened to choke me.

I deserved this distance, though.

I betrayed his trust. I drugged him. My boyfriend. My perpetual.

I drugged him.

_But I had no other choice…_

Ashere’s shoulders sagged somewhat when he saw Kieron. Kieron’s expression softened when he saw Ashere.

“You’re alive,” Kieron said, notably surprised.

Ashere drew in a breath while I bit back my growl. “Bekkah and I are both okay.”

It seemed to be the words my perpetual needed to hear.

His eyes slid closed and his shoulders dropped, relief rolling over him, seeping through the now partially opened bond. I swallowed as it slammed into me, nearly leaving me breathless with its intensity. Compared to the bond being as closed as it was, this partial opening was everything.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” Kieron said, opening his eyes and focusing on Ashere again.

Ashere exhaled loudly. “I’m not.”

Both Kieron and I stared at him. “Excuse me?” I asked.

“It’s good you weren’t there, Kieron. It was… it was bad. It was an ambush.”

“Ambush?” Kieron asked.

“I don’t know how they knew we were there. It doesn’t make any sense; we told so few people… but the screamers came out of nowhere. They hid downwind so we couldn’t smell them until it was too late,” Ashere said tiredly. “It was… It was bad. We were outnumbered. It’s… It’s good you weren’t there, Kieron.”

Kieron stiffened and finally glanced my way. I swallowed and looked down at the ground, shifting my feet uneasily.

“Terry says he kept you here,” Ashere continued, oblivious. “I don’t know how, but… it’s good that he did.”

Kieron exhaled loudly. “Yeah. I guess you’re right.”

I looked up and met his gaze. He offered a nod. Acceptance. Forgiveness. Finally.

I swallowed again as the bond opened a bit more.

_Kieron, I am so sorry…_

**_I knew you had a reason. Now it is just confirmed._ **

Hearing his voice in my head for the first time in a few days now… it felt like relief.

_I told you, the bond… it…_

**_I know. I understand. I was just…_ **

He didn’t say it, but I knew what he was going to say.

He felt betrayed.

And so he was angry.

He had every right to be, even if I was right. I still betrayed him. I still drugged him. He trusted me… and I broke that trust. Again.

“So who died?” Kieron finally asked, releasing a heavy breath as he prepared for the news.

It was bad, from what he told me; therefore it was someone he knew.

Bekkah and Ashere were okay, thankfully.

Ashere sighed just as heavily as Kieron. “Dettere didn’t make it.”

 


	44. Won't Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dettere's dead; things are changing. Terry and Kieron say goodbye to each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was supposed to be the final chapter, but it was getting very long - over 8k and still going! Yikes! - so I chopped it in half and here you go. The other half meshes better with its own chapter, anyway. So, next chapter might be the final one or maybe there will be two more, depending on my conflicting ideas. I know how I want this story to end, it's just getting there that's the problem. Anyway, enjoy!
> 
> Warning: Explicit scenes in this chapter. You've been warned.

Chapter Forty-Four: Won't Break

 

Dettere was dead.

It still hadn’t quite sunken in yet, even two days later.

Dettere was dead.

I wasn’t quite sure how to feel about this. Granted, he and I were nothing close to _friends_ , but I didn’t hate him like I did some of the other Elders. He was usually always reasonable and tried to explain things to me, unlike many others. He didn’t instantly sneer at Kieron, either; that was a plus. In fact, he and Kieron seemed to get along rather well, considering their dynamic. Kieron was a lower third of the pyramid, and he was also animalistic; normally, that left him at odds with the Elders. But he and Dettere seemed to get along okay.

And now he was dead.

His was the death Kieron felt.

Ashere said it was good Kieron wasn’t there; it was an ambush.

If I hadn’t drugged him and kept him here, he would have gone to that ambush. He could have died instead of Dettere. I could have lost him, but the bond warned me about the danger, even if I wasn’t entirely sure what it meant. I acted on pure instinct, and he missed the danger. He was safe.

I betrayed him, but he was safe.

And Dettere was dead.

I had no idea what that meant for us, or where we would go from here. Dettere was our way into the Elders; I had no idea who we would have to speak to now that he was gone. Hopefully not Arabeth; I still felt a growl lodging in my throat whenever I thought of her and her blank face as she arrested Kieron, or when she ‘tested’ my aggressor status by stating that I was too ‘bold’ with Kieron near and we’d have to be separated. She tried to separate us. I knew it was a ploy now, that it was never their true plan to separate us, that they needed to test a theory… but I could not forgive her so easily. I could not forgive her for arresting Kieron right after we saved him from that terrible poison.

I didn’t particularly like the Elders. I had no idea what we’d do now.

That worried me.

The war was worsening. People were after me, people I was trying to help in what little ways I could. They tried to kill me and very nearly succeeded. If my bond with Kieron wasn’t so strong, I would have died. Kieron was still being hunted, too; I knew Exrie would not give up on killing him in a futile effort to bond with me.

The war was worsening, and the person instructing us was dead.

“Human.”

I drew in a slow breath and glanced at Kieron.

He sat next to me on the bed, having just finished his shower. His damp hair was a dark blue, strands hanging around his eyes.

“I have to go to Ethereal tomorrow,” he said slowly, watching me carefully, like I was some kind of feral dog.

I laughed loudly, harshly. “I know,” I said. “I… I know.”

He had to return to Ethereal with Ashere. I would remain here, where it was _safe_. I was so tired of being kept safe, but after what I did to him, I couldn’t really argue. Not when he actually _forgave_ me for _drugging him_.

“I’ll try to come back when I can,” he offered.

I winced, looking away. I almost forgot that he wasn’t supposed to see me. He wasn’t even supposed to be here right now. He was supposed to steer clear of me, even though I nearly died and I was in the hospital. It was why he wasn’t with me when I first woke up, but he came to see me anyway. And then I kept him here. Now he had to return to Ethereal to discuss what to do after Dettere’s death and everything, and I had no idea when I would see him again. It could be a few days, a week… even longer…

I closed my eyes and drew in a slow, shaky breath.

“Be careful,” I murmured.

“Aren’t I always?”

I snorted, unable to stop myself. “Not really.”

He was made for fighting; he didn’t worry about his safety nearly as much as he should.

“What… What happens now, Kie?” I asked quietly, glancing at him out of the corner of my eye.

He shrugged. “We’ll figure it out. You don’t have to worry about it.”

 _But I do,_ I wanted to argue. _I do have to worry about it. It involves me and you, and I need to know…_

But Kieron felt it was my job to remain here and stay _safe_ , and thus I had no say in the discussion that would happen in Ethereal.

I hated this. Hated this so much.

But I owed it to him not to argue right now. He deserved that much, at least.

So I drew in a slow breath and nodded. “Right. Sounds good,” I said, though the words sounded hollow even to my own ears.

Kieron shifted closer, and then his hands were warm on my face, forcing me to look at him.

“I’m sorry for everything,” I whispered weakly. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t… I shouldn’t have… I _drugged_ you…”

I drugged my boyfriend. My bond-mate. I drugged him.

For good reasons, but I still drugged him. I betrayed him.

And I was so _sorry_. I wouldn’t take it back, though; not if it kept him safe. Because it could have been _him_ that died instead of Dettere, and…

And I couldn’t. I couldn’t even think about it.

Not after everything we’d been through. Not after having the bond sealed for so long, and losing Kieron to the presence before that. I couldn’t fathom a world without him in it. I was hopelessly entangled in his life, in the conflict in Ethereal, in this bond… in my love for him…

He was mine, and I was his, and that wouldn’t ever change. Couldn’t ever change.

I couldn’t do this without him. I didn’t _want_ to do this without him, but the simple fact was – I _couldn’t_. A sealed bond nearly drove me insane, and that was only temporary; I couldn’t imagine what would happen if the bond was actually _severed_. If his presence just suddenly flickered out of existence, if I stopped feeling him next to me and in my mind and all around me…

I couldn’t imagine it because I couldn’t think about it. My mind shut down every single time I tried and my breaths became these fragile, shaky gasps.

I never suffered from panic attacks before. Strange how they decided to show up now.

“I know you’re sorry,” Kieron said with a heavy sigh, his eyes slipping closed as he released me. “I know you’re sorry, and I know you didn’t mean to hurt me.”

_But I did hurt you._

It was in the words he didn’t say.

“I know you had good reasons. I understand that much. I know the bond gives you warnings, sometimes, and I understand that you can’t control yourself when it comes to that. I understand, human.”

“But…?” I prompted quietly, watching him carefully.

His brows furrowed briefly, his eyes still closed. “ _But_ ,” he murmured, “you drugged me. I trusted you. I never thought you’d… but I guess that’s my fault. I should have known.”

Each word was a dagger jabbed at my heart.

“Kieron, please,” I choked, “I’m so _sorry_ , I-”

He held a hand up in the universal ‘stop’ sign, and my mouth snapped shut. His eyes opened. “I’m not angry. I’m… No, you know what? Fuck it. I’m pissed.” His eyes flashed darkly as they locked back onto me. “I’m so fucking _pissed_ at you, Terry. You fucking _drugged_ me. I slept for a _day_. It was in the omelet, wasn’t it? And I remember waking up, being tired and confused, and you _fed me more_ , didn’t you?”

He wasn’t lying, so I couldn’t deny it. I could only nod weakly, biting down hard on my lower lip. This was it. I broke his trust too much. He said before he was okay with it; he didn’t hate me. He didn’t hate me, but he needed time.

I gave him time.

Then Ashere arrived.

And Dettere was dead.

And now…

“I’m so mad I can’t think straight half the time,” he continued, shaking his head as he got to his feet, pacing the length of the bed like a caged animal, his eyes still flashing dangerously. “But you kept me from walking into an ambush, so _congrats_ , human. Except you fucking drugged me. You say you fucking _love me_ and then you _do shit like this_ , and I’m just so fucking _angry_!” He snarled at the end and stopped his pacing, his back to me, shoulders so rigid.

“Kieron, I’m sorry,” I said, swallowing thickly as I crawled toward the edge of the bed. “I’m so sorry, okay? I just… I had to. I had to do it, and I’m… I’m sorry, but I don’t regret it.”

I couldn’t regret it, not when it might have saved his life.

I drew in a slow breath. “The bond… I didn’t want you to go, but then I… I _couldn’t_ let you go. And I _do_ love you. I do. I love you more than anything, okay? Would you look at me, please?”

I stood from the bed and reached out, fingers brushing against the back of his shoulder as he stepped further away from me, his back still to me, shoulders stiff.

“Kieron, please,” I said softly, swallowing again, the bitterness thick in my mouth. “Please look at me.”

He sighed and turned around, dark blue eyes focusing on me.

“I love you,” I told him, holding his gaze, sending it through the bond. “I love you. I _love you_. That’s why I couldn’t let you go, and I’m sorry I hurt you, but I’d rather have you hate me than…”

 _I’d rather have you hate me than not have you,_ I sent his way. _I’d rather have you hate me than have you die._

“I know…” I stopped, released a shaky exhale, and tried again. “I know it’s hard for you to trust, and I’ve… I’ve hurt that trust more than once. I know that. I know I’ve screwed up a lot, but… but that’s what relationships are, okay? They’re not perfect, they’re messy but worth it.”

He remained silent, letting me continue speaking, and while I was grateful for that, I was also worried. Worried at his silence.

“I drugged you. And I’ll… I hate that I did that, and I’ll feel terrible about it for the rest of my life, but I can’t regret it because it kept you _safe_. I drugged you, and I… I can’t believe I did that. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. Rufus betrayed me once, remember? And… And I betrayed you in a similar way. And I’m _so sorry_ , but I didn’t know what else to do, and… and can you ever forgive me?”

“Are you done?”

His words were flat and quiet.

I nodded weakly. This was it. He hated me. He was going to leave, and while I knew he would still keep me safe… he might not return even when he was allowed. If he deemed our relationship as ‘over’… and having a bond didn’t mean one had to be in a relationship with their bond-mate…

It would kill me, but it was nothing less than I deserved.

“I forgive you,” he said.

I blinked slowly. “You… forgive me?”

“You had good reasons, and kept me from walking into an ambush. I get that the bond was influencing you, and you were still a little unstable after having been in the hospital. I understand. I forgive you.” He exhaled loudly. “I just won’t forget.”

I flinched. “I’m so sorry, Kieron.”

“I know you are. So am I.”

He chewed on his lower lip momentarily, gaze flickering away from me as he hesitated, before he sighed and determination settled in his eyes as he looked back at me and took a step forward, toward me. I stood still, uncertain was to what would happen next. I knew what I wanted to have happen; I wanted him to touch me like he used to. I wanted him to step into my personal space and kiss me and bite me and-

His fingers curled around the front of my shirt, yanking me toward him so abruptly all thought left my mind. In the next second his lips were on mine in a dominating kiss and I sank into his hold, into the warm, familiar curve of his body, and clung to him for all I was worth. The bond opened further, warm and inviting despite everything that I’d done, and I sent him all of my relief, my love, and my joy at his forgiveness and the fact he was okay. I also sent him my regret, and my sadness that Dettere was dead.

He enveloped me in warmth; a warm blue glow encircling my mind, entwining our thoughts until they were one. There were no actual words, but words weren’t needed, not right now.

His lips disconnected from my own, but before I had time to mourn the loss, his teeth were biting into my neck and pleasure burst through me. Pleasure, love, and relief. Relief that he was doing this again, that I hadn’t ruined everything. He forgave me, but I still hurt his trust. He didn’t have to be this close to me; he could storm out now and I couldn’t stop him, wouldn’t stop him, but instead, here he was, with his teeth at my neck and in this moment everything was perfect.

 _I love you,_ I sent his way as pleasure slid through me with each nip.

I brought his arm up and sank my teeth into the skin where I first created my half of our bond, and his teeth sharpened, biting more deeply into my neck before they abruptly pulled out. When he pulled away, his eyes were that brilliant, beautiful bright hue and a smile threatened to split my face in two.

“Don’t do that again,” he said.

I frowned, smile slipping away. “W-What? But I thought you liked it…?”

He scowled, eyes still so bright. “Not that. I meant drugging me. Don’t you ever fucking do it again, or I won’t be doing _this_ anymore.” He drew in a slow breath. “As much as it might hurt us both, I _will_ leave and not come back, if you do it again. Do you understand?”

I swallowed thickly. “I understand,” I echoed weakly.

He nodded, and then smirked.

Then my back was against the bed and he was on top of me, and his teeth were at my neck once more.

Everything was perfect.

He was leaving in the morning, but there was still tonight.

I didn’t remember losing my shirt, or pants, or him losing his clothes, but suddenly we were naked and that was perfectly fine. Wonderful, even. Perfect.

He was so perfect.

His fingers trailed across the fading mark on my stomach. The doctors were truly baffled at how quickly I was healing, especially at the fact that, while I would probably have a scar, it wouldn’t be very noticeable, much like Kieron’s on his chest and back. Similar wounds and similar scars. Somehow it fit.

The light in his eyes dimmed, and then he growled, claiming my lips in a dominating kiss before I could utter a word. He held me down firmly onto the bed, fingers tracing the outline of the scar. It wasn’t sore like it usually was; sometimes my clothes rubbed it wrong and it itched and just felt sore, but right now, with him running his fingers across it… I barely felt it. It didn’t itch, it didn’t hurt, it just simply was.

**_I won’t let you down again._ **

The words appeared in my mind, and I wasn’t sure if he meant to allow them to seep through the bond or not, but nevertheless, I smiled into his mouth, reaching out for him both mentally and physically. Our minds mingled until they were a tangled mess wherein I didn’t know where I began and he ended, but that was perfectly okay. My fingers caught his arms and yanked him closer, and he allowed it, surprisingly. Another low growl emitted from his throat, rumbling against my lips, and a protective warmth surged through the bond.

 ** _Mine,_** it seemed to say. **_Mine._**

 _Yours,_ I agreed silently. _Always yours, and you’re mine._

I always thought it weird, being exclusive with someone. Loving them this much. But it wasn’t just that I belonged to them, they belonged to me, too. He was mine and I was his and that was all that mattered.

His hands slipped down my body, ignoring the scars for the time being. By now I was entirely too sensitive to his touch; each trace of a finger was bliss and I was left arching into the minimal contact, a whimper lodged in my throat which I desperately attempted to silence. His mouth left my own and then his teeth reconnected with my neck, and pure bliss shot through me, and the whimper emerged.

“ _Please_ ,” I whispered breathlessly. “Please, please, please…”

“Please what?” he asked, lifting away to smirk at me, but I could see the bright hue of his eyes and knew he wasn’t any more immune to this than I was.

“Bite me,” I said. “Fuck, bite me, fuck me, just _please_ …”

It had been entirely too long. Too long away from him. Away from him physically and mentally, and I needed this, wanted this. We both needed this.

His teeth connected with my neck again and I arched into the contact, unable to stop myself, especially when his hands started moving again, amidst the little bites and licks. There was absolutely no pain, only pleasure and bliss and perfection, and that was even before his fingers finally connected with my throbbing member.

Kieron enjoyed teasing me; I wasn’t sure why, but it usually wasn’t very quick with him. That was fine with me; I enjoyed the lingering contact and everything. Plus he seemed to think I could ‘come again’ as many times as it took until he was satisfied, but again, that was fine with me.

His thumb flicked teasingly along the head of my dick and I gasped, arching into his next bite, and bliss threatened to force me over the edge right there, with him warm and solid on top of me and in my mind, the scent of him so strong in the air, the sounds of his low growls as they vibrated softly against my neck… It all threatened to be my undoing in that moment, but he abruptly pulled away, aware of how close I was.

He smirk was more feral than anything, but I loved it.

“A little eager, huh?” he rumbled, a low growl evident in his voice which left my dick twitching hopefully.

“Please,” I said again.

_No more waiting. I want this. Want you. So badly._

It had been entirely too long. We both needed this. He would leave in the morning, but we still had tonight, and I didn’t want to waste a moment of it.

And his eyes were so _bright_ , and that was for _me_ , mine…

Primal instinct, primal need.

 _Mine_.

His teeth were back at my neck in that moment, a possessive growl rumbling against my too-sensitive skin, and I clutched at him, breath catching in my throat.

His hands slid down once more, and finally paid attention to my throbbing member, which stood erect and ready for contact. His fingers closed around it and his thumb smoothed over the head in that way only he could do, and I was a whining mess a few seconds later as he kept changing his movements and rhythms so I couldn’t arch into them anymore. With his other hand, he kept me pressed into the mattress, no longer allowing me to arch into him at all.

“Kieron, please,” I managed around a swallow.

This was slowly driving me crazy.

Every time I got even just a little bit close, he changed the rhythm or stopped for a moment, in the guise of repositioning himself, but I knew better. He was doing this to me on purpose.

A low chuckle sounded from his mouth, his teeth still at my neck in that wonderful way. Each bite and lick was pure pleasure, especially when he bit in a little deeper. One would have thought it would have been painful, especially since I could feel the wet blood on my neck occasionally, despite his healing licks, but it didn’t hurt at all. Instead it was simply bliss because he was mine and I was his and that was all that mattered.

Eventually, he rolled off of me, leaving me whining pathetically as I reached for him, only to have him easily bat my hands away.

“No,” I said pathetically. “C’mon, please.”

He snorted, eyes still so wonderfully bright, as he reached for the lube. I eagerly scooted up on the bed and positioned myself just so, on my back, so he could have easy access. A second later a finger slipped inside, and then another, easily scissoring me open as I drew in a slow breath, forcing my muscles to relax. It always hurt a little at first, especially when I had been so long since we’d done this, but the pain never lasted long at all. A moment later he was three fingers deep and it wasn’t enough. I needed more, attempting to shift downward enough that he would at least enter me more, but he just gave that low chuckle again and pulled completely out.

“I think that’s enough,” he said.

And then he made to leave the bed.

My heart raced. “Kieron, you can’t just…”

_You can’t do this to me and not finish it, dammit!_

“I _do_ have to get up early, human.”

Despite the teasing tone, his voice was still rough and growly; he wanted this as much as I did, but I also knew he liked to give me hell sometimes. I whined loudly, glaring at him as I sat up just enough to see him properly, but not enough that I ruined his hard work, holding myself up mostly on my arms.

“Kieron, you get your ass back here right now,” I said sharply.

His eyes brightened further. A growl escaped his lips, predatory in nature. “And?”

“Get your ass back over here and _fuck me_ ,” I told him.

I blinked, and I was on my back again, with his teeth at my neck and his fingers working me open again. The two sensations were enough to send me over the edge, but his fingers held tight to the base of my dick, not allowing me the release I needed.

“Kieron, please-”

“Silence,” he breathed against my neck, between bites. “Or I’ll-” bite “-have to-” bite “-silence you-” bite “-myself.”

_Oh, fuck…_

I bit down hard on my lower lip to keep from making a sound as he slowly slid into me. It wasn’t ‘slow’, exactly, but for him it was. I knew he wasn’t always entirely in control when we were like this – he still teased me occasionally, but when it came time to actually enter me he was usually a bit impatient and lost to his more animalistic tendencies – but right now he was actually being surprisingly gentle and easy.

_I won’t break._

I was human, but I wasn’t any more fragile than I had been before.

I closed my hands around the headboard bars, and bit my tongue to keep from saying a word. I swallowed down the sounds threatening to burst free as he slid in all the way, and then pulled back out, then pushed back inside. The rhythm was wild and frantic; uneven and rough, but that was perfectly fine with me. I loved it. A snarl emerged from my perpetual’s lips and my own mouth curved into a smile even as I tasted blood as I fought to keep the sounds to myself.

I loved having him growl for me when we were like this.

Kieron leaned over me and nipped at my bared neck.

The bond was so open and warm right now, but also chaotic and frantic. Wild. Animalistic.

Kieron usually kept this part of himself carefully locked away, but now I felt it. I felt it for the first time since he claimed me; I heard it in the way he growled, in his more tense movements, the way his eyes brightened further as he pulled back to growl at me again…

Some part of me was aware of the fact I should have been worried. I should have been afraid. He wasn’t in control right now, but that never really bothered me before. Once upon a time he could have killed me when I woke him up in Ethereal, when he was asleep on the couch and I had the audacity to try and wake him. We had a brief discussion about _it_ , and about the fact that a part of him would always want to kill me. But it also wanted to claim me.

And now, recently, he told me to stay away from him because he wasn’t sure what _it_ would do if I came near him. A warning. A threat.

And yet…

I felt no fear in this moment, when his bright eyes locked onto mine and that snarl pulled back his lips. I felt no fear because this was Kieron. This was all completely him, animalistic half and all, and I loved him in his entirety. I trusted him. He would never hurt me, despite how much he seemed to doubt himself at times.

“Bite me,” I whispered softly, holding his feral gaze. That snarl lengthened and grew louder as he leaned his head down a little lower, inching toward my vulnerable neck. “Bite me,” I said again, louder this time. “Bite me. _Bite me_!”

His teeth sank sharply into my neck. Blood slushed from the open wound, slipping down my neck to stain the sheets and pillows beneath me, but I didn’t care. I felt no pain, only a tugging sensation before warmth. Warmth and pleasure and bliss, and the bite was deep and perfect and unrelenting, and though his teeth sheered through skin as though it were butter, all I wanted was _more_.

Moving on auto-pilot, my mind too hazy with bliss to think properly, I found myself reaching for him. Normally he would not allow this, especially when he was animalistic like this. That half of him would see it as me rejecting him, and then the biting would really start to hurt. I still remembered the pain that first time it happened, so long ago…

He snarled into my bleeding skin when my fingers closed around his wrist, but he allowed the movement nevertheless. A second later his arm was in front of my face, at a bit of an awkward angle due to the fact his teeth were still firmly fastened to my neck, and I bit down hard into the flesh over where I first created the bond on him. Ashere told me it was sensitive, and Kieron would like it. Kieron had already shown that he did like it, and if he was going to bite me like this… I had to return the favor, now that I knew it was a possibility.

I had to claim him too.

Suddenly it was that simple.

The bond roared to life, thrumming with energy, but not Kieron’s energy this time. No, this was different, and yet similar.

 _Mine,_ the bond said. _Mine, mine, **mine**._

 ** _Mine,_** Kieron said sharply.

 _Mine,_ I said back.

He was mine and I was his.

And it was perfect.

xXx

Kieron left early the next morning. He was silent in his exit.

I woke from a deep sleep and rolled over, my hands knocking against cold covers. I stared for a moment before I instantly sat up, calling for my perpetual.

“Kieron? Kieron!”

There was no response.

_Kieron, where are you?_

He couldn’t have left, could he?

He didn’t answer me, but the bond was still open. He was okay.

I glanced around the room and realized his packed duffel was missing, as were some of his clothes. He left. He left while I was sleeping. He left while I was exhausted after last night.

A shiver ran down my spine in all the right ways as I remembered the previous night. Kieron’s hands on me, his teeth at my neck, the bond so open and thrumming with energy…

And now he was gone.

I wrapped my arms around myself and sighed heavily. I had to let him leave, and I knew that. I had no right to be angry with him, especially after what I did to him. He forgave me, but now I had to let him do this. I had to let him disappear to Ethereal for an undetermined amount of time, and hope for the best. I had to hope things would work out even without Dettere there.

 _Be safe, Kieron,_ I sent his way.

I tried to ignore the way my arms itched.

Perhaps a cold shower would help.

xXx

It didn’t.


	45. Ultimatum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terry waits for Kieron... and then is given an ultimatum of the worst kind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, you guys get the chapter first before the other site xD I'm holding off on posting it there for a day or so. Anyway I don't know how many chapters this will have now... it was supposed to be coming to an end butttt oh well, maybe less than 5 chapters left, maybe just one or two, who knows. We'll see how it goes. Anyway - forgive me for this chapter. Hope it sounds okay. Comments make the world go round. Thanks!

Chapter Forty-Five: Ultimatum

 

“That sucks,” Tommy said as I explained what was really happening in Ethereal.

Kieron had been gone for a week, and Tommy decided it was time for me to finally tell him the truth. I told him there was nothing to tell, but he was persistent and I wound up giving in, because I needed to talk about this to someone.

“Yeah,” I mumbled, looking at the ground. “Tell me about it.”

“So now people really want to kill you.”

“Seems that way.”

“But you’re safe here.”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

I snorted. “I don’t… I don’t want to be kept _safe_ all the time, Tommy,” I told him quietly, still looking at the ground. “I’m a part of this. I’m supposed to be some _figurehead_ in this war, and they’re leaving me out of everything. I have every right to be there at his side. He shouldn’t have to go alone.”

_He shouldn’t have to separate from me._

A week, and I felt his absence so keenly.

It was this dull ache everywhere. It never went away.

“You’re not a soldier, Terry,” Tommy said. “You’re not a fighter, and you’re not a general in an army or anything. You have no training.”

_Kieron’s been helping me…_

But I knew he was right. I could train as much as I wanted, but it wouldn’t be enough. Kieron trained for a lifetime; I only just started. No matter how much I trained, I’d never be able to take on a screamer alone, or anything. I was next to useless, but I had to try. This was my fight, too.

_This is my fight._

Ethereal might not be my home world, but it was still home, in a way. It was Kieron’s home, and I had grown fond of it, too. It wasn’t all bad. Not all my memories of it were terrible. Sure, I’d been hunted most of the time I was there, but there were good times, too. Ethereal was as much my home was Earth was, as long as I was tethered to Kieron. I would fight for it. I had to fight for it.

Except I was stuck here, while Kieron did the fighting.

xXx

Lacy’s smile was tentative as she hugged me. “It’s good to see you, Terry.”

I nodded as she released me, and I stepped over the threshold into their house. Amanda was growing big, and Lacy was really starting to show; soon I’d have a nephew, too. Tommy’s family was really coming together, while mine was off fighting in another world while I remained here.

“How are you doing? Any word from Kieron?” Lacy asked as she led the way into the kitchen. They’d invited me over for dinner, and after my initial attempts at refusing, I finally caved and said yes. Lacy could be very stubborn.

Kieron had been gone for three weeks. Three long weeks and I was ready to wander around town in search of the nearest gateway myself, but I knew I wouldn’t make it very far. While I couldn’t see them, I knew I was being watched; I knew perpetuals were watching me, making sure I was safe and that I didn’t go near the gateways. But Kieron’s absence and lack of contact made me want to try anyway.

I tried contacting him but he rarely responded, only to tell me that he was fine and that he would return when he could, but he gave no date nor time period. It could be days, weeks, or months before I saw him again. I knew that going in, of course, but this lengthening time apart, after everything we’d already been through… it was too much.

_I can’t do this anymore…_

I was off-balance, and Tommy tried to help but he could only do so much. Thankfully he didn’t try to blame Kieron this time, though. Instead he was actually quite supportive of Kieron, which was a bit… odd. I wanted to ask about it but just bringing up Kieron left my throat closing, and the words scurried away to hide in the recesses of my mind.

“No word from him,” I told Lacy.

“I’m sure he’s fine,” she said with a smile. “He’s Kieron; he’s always fine.”

 _Sure,_ I wanted to say. _He’s always fine._

Instead I nodded weakly and we entered the kitchen. They’d been inviting me over a few times a week for dinner, but I knew it was really just to check up on me; they were worried about me. I didn’t mind the company; the apartment was lonely without Kieron. At least the bond wasn’t sealed like before, and I could feel him in my mind, but this distance was still torture after everything we’d been through.

Dinner tonight was spaghetti. I wondered if Kieron ever had spaghetti; I’d have to cook it for him sometime. The more he fought in Ethereal, the more I thought about a simple, domestic life with my perpetual, even though I knew that was very unlikely. Even if we defeated Exrie in the near future, it wasn’t likely Kieron would just be able to settle down into normal life with me; he was still an animalistic, lower-tier perpetual, and he’d have work to do in Ethereal. If I truly wanted a more normal life with him… then I’d have to move to Ethereal.

I looked at Tommy, Lacy and Amanda.

I’d have to leave them behind, and only visit them occasionally. I could explain things to Tommy, but I had no idea how well he’d take it. His relationship with Kieron was iffy at best. Lacy would be supportive even if she didn’t know all the facts; to her I’d be just be a base boyfriend or something, but at least I’d be with Kieron. And Amanda… she’d have to grow up barely knowing her uncle, and I wasn’t okay with that. Same with my unborn nephew.

It was all so complicated. Being from two different worlds was so complicated.

But Kieron would never truly be at home here, and I’d never truly be at home there, and going back and forth all the time just wasn’t an option. Occasionally, maybe, but not often enough.

_Stop thinking about it._

We hadn’t even defeated Exrie yet.

There was still plenty of time to think about this later on.

Not to mention the fact that I was _immortal_ now, or at least, I would be soon. In a few years or so, the Elders told me. As long as Kieron lived and I didn’t get fatally wounded or sick or something, I could live as long as he did because of our bond. And somehow I would have to find a way to explain that to my family, if I wanted to stick around them.

_So complicated…_

“Everything okay, Terry?” Lacy asked.

I blinked, refocusing on my food. “Yeah,” I said, picking up my fork. “Everything’s fine.” I took a bite and smiled. “This tastes great, Lacy. Thanks for inviting me.”

She smiled back.

xXx

I’d cleaned the apartment multiple times by the fourth week. A month. Kieron had been gone a month, and it was getting to me. Really getting to me. The only thing keeping me sane was the fact he occasionally answered my mental attempts at contacting him, and the bond was still open. It wasn’t completely open as I knew he had to focus, but it was open – I could feel him.

It was all that kept me sane after everything that had happened.

Tommy checked on me when he could, but he had a life of his own and he couldn’t constantly keep checking on his little brother, as much as he wanted to. He had a pregnant wife and a daughter already. He had his own worries.

Kieron was mine.

I was tired of worrying about him; it felt like it was all I did. Something was always happening to him, and I so tired of it. He didn’t deserve any of this. He wouldn’t have been involved in any of this if it weren’t for me, after all – this was my fault, no matter what he told me.

Now he was in Ethereal hunting down my attackers, and he’d been gone for a month. A _month_. I’d been without him for a month, and it was the longest we’d ever been away from each other. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was caught up on work; in fact, I was ahead. Very ahead. By two months. Because all I did was sit around doing work or cleaning the apartment. Perhaps I should have worried at my lack of social life outside of Kieron… but honestly, I didn’t care. John and Rufus weren’t good for me, and gaining new friends wasn’t an option right now. Not with the war, and Exrie hunting me for his own needs. Maybe after everything was over…

But I didn’t need an active social life when I had Kieron. I loved him. I didn’t care that I didn’t have anyone else; I had him, and Ashere and Bekkah and maybe even Alona, and that was all I needed. It didn’t matter that they were his friends first.

I cleaned the bathroom again, scrubbing the floors with my hands, eager to have anything distract me from my rampant thoughts. The way my mind searched for him, despite the distance between us. The bond was open, but muted; he so rarely answered me or let me feel the more open bond. It was muted, and the hum in the back of my mind was hushed. I hated it.

_Kieron, when are you coming home…_

A month. It had been a month.

I’d never been away from him this long before, not since we first met so long ago in the woods, when he tackled me. We’d never been apart this long before. I hated it so much.

I just wanted him to come home, and I wanted us to have our vacation. I wanted this war to be over with. I wanted… I wanted a lot of things.

But the reality was, I was home alone while he fought in Ethereal, and I was kept safe.

I sighed, and eyed the shower briefly before I started cleaning it, too.

xXx

Two months.

Two long months without Kieron.

It was going well, he said. They found two strongholds and destroyed them, killed all but a few, and interrogated the survivors. Word was being spread that such violent attacks against the Chosen would not be tolerated. I hated all of it; they were killing for me, and I just… it was terrible. But I couldn’t just tell them to stop, either, because these people were a true threat. Not just to me, but to Kieron as well.

Kieron told me about their new plans, which I almost wish he would have kept to himself because it left my skin itching and burning for hours on end.

They knew their plan had failed because Kieron healed me. Now their goal was to kill Kieron first, then me, or kill us at the same time. So he couldn’t heal me.

Now they were threatening my perpetual.

And I couldn’t allow this to stand.

Kieron actually asked me how to proceed, once, after giving me this new information. He seemed uncertain – he didn’t like the killing either, even if he was keeping me safe. He said the others were looking at him differently; he was a killer, he said. They had known this, but hadn’t actually witnessed him be so violent. It was the ‘voice’, he told me. The voice in his head, the animalistic half of him. It wanted revenge, and it wanted to spill their blood. It _wanted_. And he was uncertain about what to do, and if he was doing the right thing.

He asked me what he should do – keep searching with the others, or argue for stopping this whole thing.

I told him to do what felt right.

He said he would keep me safe, and he hadn’t wavered since.

I almost wish I told him to give it up and come home. To let them go. Not everyone was going to like me and that was fine. But they were actively trying to kill me, thinking of ways to find me on Earth – Kieron found schematics and maps leading to gateways, books on humans and where best to strike. They were actually planning this out, trying to find a way to get to me, to kill me. They were so determined, and now they were planning on how to get their hands on a golden blade to kill Kieron, too, so they could actually kill me without him healing me.

And, _no_.

If it was just my life at risk… I would have told him to stop. That it wasn’t worth it. We’d find a way around it somehow.

But it wasn’t just my life on the line anymore.

Now they were thinking about ways to kill Kieron. My perpetual. _Mine._ And _no_. I wouldn’t allow it; couldn’t allow it. So I didn’t urge him to stop.

Time passed.

His reports came fewer and fewer. I’d go days, weeks, without speaking to him through our mental link. I tried to contact him, but the bond was so muted… he seldom answered. I was growing desperate.

Two long months since I last saw him. Since I last touched him, felt him, kissed him.

It was too long.

Slowly, it was driving me mad.

My apartment had never been so spotless. Lacy kidnapped my cleaning supplies a week ago; she said it was too much, and I needed to stop. Kieron would be back soon, she told me. He’d be back soon.

But he still wasn’t back.

_I miss you…_

I missed him so much.

 _Please be careful,_ I sent his way.

_Please come home soon._

I didn’t receive a reply, but then, I didn’t really expect one.

xXx

Three months.

Three long months since I last saw him.

It was starting to get cold again. Windy. Chilly.

Halloween was in two days.

There weren’t a lot of kids in my neighborhood, and I seldom left the apartment except for when my food supply ran extremely low and I was forced to go to the grocery store, but I saw them out and about in the costumes nevertheless.

 _Happy Halloween,_ I thought bitterly. I was never much into the holiday, but everything on TV advertised it. People were planning parties with their families, taking their kids out and about… and here I was, alone, still.

Amanda had an adorable little costume, and Lacy’s second child, Lucas, was due any day now. Tommy was going to pass out candy at their house, and look after baby Amanda, while Lacy rested. Her feet were always swollen by this point in her pregnancy; she wasn’t due for another week or two, but she was certain she would be ready to give birth any day now, with how much Lucas was moving, and how exhausted she felt. I didn’t question her. She knew her body better than me or Tommy.

I was excited for my nephew to be born, but wished Kieron could be here for it. He was part of this family, too, even if he still thought of himself as ‘outside’ the family. I would show him, prove to him, that he was family, no matter what.

He just needed to come home first.

xXx

Four months.

Thanksgiving came and went.

I’d hoped Kieron would be back by now, so I could show him he was part of the family, and tell him how thankful I was for him.

I spent Thanksgiving with Tommy, Lacy, Amanda, and newly born Lucas. He was a fussy baby, unlike Amanda. Amanda was usually quiet save for when she was hungry or tired, but Lucas cried all the time, it seemed. He certainly kept Tommy and Lacy on their toes.

I spent Thanksgiving with them, and tried to ignore the hollow emptiness ringing in my heart. I enjoyed spending time with my family – but this distance from Kieron was killing me. It was the longest we’d been apart… and I hated it so very much.

“When is Kieron due back?” Lacy asked as she fed a bottle to Lucas, quieting him for the time being. “I would think he’d get a break soon, with the holidays and everything.”

“I don’t know,” I said miserably, shaking my head. “I haven’t heard from him.”

He hadn’t answered me via our mind link in over a month now.

I tried not to let it bother me.

 _He’s fine,_ I told myself. _I’d know if he wasn’t._

That didn’t make this any easier.

Lacy seemed to notice how I felt. Her free hand landed on my wrist. “I’m sure he’s fine,” she told me with a warm smile as I glanced at her. “I’m sure he’ll be home soon.”

“I hope so,” I said quietly.

_Happy Thanksgiving, Kieron… wherever you are…_

I still received no response. I drew in a shaky breath, looking down at the tabletop.

Tommy brought the food into the room then, and I carved the turkey.

xXx

Last Christmas, I celebrated with Kieron for the first time.

I’d hoped to celebrate with him this year, too.

Instead, I ignored it altogether. Tommy and Lacy invited me to their place to celebrate, but I was in no mood. I hadn’t heard from Kieron since before Halloween, despite my attempts at contacting him, and for the past week my skin wouldn’t stop itching and burning.

I was in no mood to celebrate.

So I stayed home, and tried to pretend it hadn’t been five months since I’d last seen my perpetual.

xXx

Someone was knocking on my door.

I blinked my eyes open, exhaustion weighing through me. It always did these days. I never had energy for anything, and Lacy had yet to return my cleaning supplies. _Get a hobby_ , she told me. I wish.

I rolled reluctantly out of bed and left the bedroom, entering the living room to open the door, ready to snap at whoever waited there for waking me at 8am.

My eyes narrowed when I saw John standing there. “ _You_ ,” I said, glaring at him. “What do you want?”

I’d been rude to him the last time I saw him – snapped at him because at the time I’d been influenced by the sealed bond, and my anger at him overpowered everything else. At the time, he’d only been inquiring about my health because I’d recently been in the hospital. Perhaps I was a bit harsh.

But I didn’t care. It was no less than he deserved, right?

John didn’t snap back at me.

Instead, he broke.

“They have my sister,” he said around a choked breath, staring at me.

Now that I really looked at him, he was rather pale, with dark rings around sunken eyes. His hair was a mess, and it looked like he hadn’t shaved in weeks.

“They have Tess,” he said quietly.

I swallowed. “I’m sorry,” I told him.

“No, Terry,” he said, shaking his head, shoulders slouching as he looked away. “ _I’m_ sorry.”

Before I could ask what he meant, he was on me.

I didn’t see the taser, but I felt it keenly before I blacked out, body twitching pathetically as it hit the ground.

xXx

I woke sometime later with a throbbing headache. My muscles were incredibly sore, as though I’d run a marathon when I knew I had done no such thing.

The room I was in was – extravagant. I rested on a comfortable, king-sized bed, with too many pillows. Next to the bed stood a table, and atop it was a glass of water. The room was barely lit, only with a few flickering green candles across the room, as though they knew I would have a splitting headache upon awakening.

I looked around, and startled when I found someone sitting on the other side of the bed.

Immediately I froze, heart stuttering.

“Exrie,” I breathed, staring at the person. The normal looking person. Exrie looked so painfully average – not intimidatingly evil like he should have been. He looked like a normal person I might pass on the street on any given day – not the man intent on destroying everything I held dear. He was deceptively average.

Other than that, he looked the same as the last time I’d seen him, except he’d let his dark red hair grow out. His face was clean-shaven, his bright brown eyes focused only on me. Thin lips twitched upward into an amused, cocky grin. Shivers marched down my spine as my hands fisted into the covers beneath me.

“So good to be on a first name basis, Terry,” the Master said in that deep voice of his, the one which left my pulse stuttering further, more chills inching down my spine. “I hope the taser didn’t damage you too much. You humans are such fragile things.”

I swallowed thickly. “Where am I?”

“You’re with me – what else matters?” The grin widened, all teeth. Wolfish and wrong, deceptively normal. “You’d really help me out if you told me where your perpetual is. Kieron.”

My heart beat rapidly in my chest, hammering against the walls. _They don’t know where he is. He’s safe. Kieron, don’t you dare come looking for me. Don’t you fucking dare._

I knew he had to have felt it when I lost consciousness, when I was tasered. He knew something was wrong.

He had to know.

And he’d be looking for me.

“I’m not telling you shit,” I said firmly. “Torture me if you want, but I won’t betray him.”

 _Again_ , I left unsaid.

“The hard way, then.”

He nodded.

I frowned, but then realized he wasn’t nodding at me, but rather someone else. I glanced over and in front of a door stood another figure. They nodded back at Exrie, and disappeared from the room, closing the door behind them.

“I hope this room is to your liking, Terry,” Exrie said calmly, as tendrils of dread encircled my heart. “You’ll be here a while, after all. Until we collect your perpetual and eliminate him.”

I grit my teeth harshly, remaining silent.

The door to the room opened again.

“Ah, yes, here we are. I don’t believe introductions are in order.”

I frowned, glancing back at the doorway.

My breath caught in my throat.

 _No_.

No.

_No!_

I surged to my feet, only to realize I was chained to the bed by a shackle around my ankle. I hadn’t realized it before, but now the metal was cold and heavy as I struggled forward anyway, as far as it would allow me to go.

“Tommy,” I choked, staring at my brother. “Oh, what’d they do to you? Can you hear me? Tommy?”

My brother was motionless and pale. Blood dotted every inch of his face. I couldn’t tell where it was coming from.

He was unconscious, I hoped. Unconscious and not… not…

_Oh, please, no. No, no, no._

“He’s a bit indisposed at the moment,” Exrie said.

I rounded on him with a snarl. “What’d you do to him!”

“You could have spared him this trouble if you’d just answer my questions and do as I say,” he said calmly, with another smile.

My stomach churned violently.

“I have the rest of your family,” he told me. “The little ones are loud. My screamers won’t tolerate them for much longer.” His smile widened. “So what will it be, Terry? Your family, or Kieron?”

“I… I can’t…” I stammered, mouth suddenly dry, a lump in my throat.

_I can’t choose. Please don’t make me choose. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t._

I couldn’t choose between Kieron and my family. Please, don’t make me do this.

“Please,” I choked. “ _Please_ , let them go. They have nothing to do with this, _please-_ ”

“I gave you your options. Either tell me where Kieron is, or your family dies. Simple.”

“They’re _innocent_!” I said brokenly, legs shakily holding me up as I staggered back toward the bed. “Please, _please_ , let them go. I… I’ll do what you want, anything but… anything but _that_ , please.”

“I only want one thing from you right now.”

“I _can’t_ ,” I sobbed, tears burning my eyes, breaths so shaky. “I can’t do that. What you want – it won’t work without Kieron anyway! It would never work for you!”

“I’ll be the judge of that. Do as I ask. I know you share a telepathic bond with him. Call him to me, or tell me his location. Do this and your family will be sent home just fine.” He smirked. “Failure to comply means I kill them here and now. What is it going to be?”

“I can’t choose,” I whispered. “Please, _I can’t do this_. Anything else. Please.”

I couldn’t choose between them.

_Please don’t make me. Please, please, please, anything but this._

“Wrong answer,” Exrie said with a sigh. He looked past me at the person still holding Tommy’s unconscious body up. “Kill the loud ones first.”

 _The babies_.

My niece and nephew. Amanda and Lucas.

A sob wrenched free of my chest. “ _Don’t_ ,” I choked, spinning toward the person holding my brother up, who was opening the door to leave and follow through on Exrie’s orders then and there. “Oh, _fuck me_ , don’t. _Don’t_. Please don’t hurt them. I’ll… I’ll talk.”

_I’m so sorry. Oh, fuck me, I’m so sorry._

“I don’t know where Kieron is,” I told him truthfully. “I have no fucking idea. I haven’t seen him in months. Please let them go.”

“Not good enough, human,” Exrie said.

When he said ‘human’, a sob lodged in my throat again. It was nothing like when Kieron said it.

_Kieron…_

“I… I don’t know what you want me to do.”

“That’s a lie,” Exrie said simply, watching me. “You know exactly what I want. Call your perpetual to you. And don’t get any ideas about warning him, or I’ll kill your family, Terry. Call him here, and I’ll let your family go once he’s been captured.”

Another sob tore free, tears running down my cheeks.

It wasn’t enough to call Kieron here.

He wouldn’t release my family until he actually captured my perpetual.

_I can’t… I can’t do this… oh, fuck me, I can’t…_

Where was the burning sensation when I needed it most? I could deal with Exrie here and now, for threatening Kieron and my family… but then my family would likely get caught in the blast. Kieron wasn’t around to calm me down; I would destroy everyone who wasn’t him. That included my family. Tommy, Lacy, Lucas, Amanda… I’d kill them too.

_Kieron… I love you… I can’t do this…_

But they had my family. My innocent family. My niece and nephew.

**_Where are you?_ **

Kieron’s voice filtered through my head suddenly.

**_Can you hear me? Fuck this stupid barrier crap. Can you hear me, human? Terry?_ **

The tears came faster. _Kieron._

**_Where are you, Terry? I’ve been looking for you for days. Where are you?_ **

‘Don’t look for me,’ I wanted to tell him. Wanted to so badly, to keep him safe. Just stay away, Kieron. Stay away…

But I couldn’t.

Because all I could see was Tommy’s bloody face. All I could picture was my family at Thanksgiving.

“Well?” Exrie asked. “What’s it going to be? Kieron or your family?”

My eyes closed on the tears. _I’m here, Kieron. Can you find me?_


	46. Choices Made

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terry made his choice, now he has to live with the consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst galore this chapter. The ending of it will be explained later, promise ;) This was a longer chapter but it was getting over 8k again so I put the rest of it in the next chapter. I don't know how many chapters are left; we'll see. Less than five, that's all I can say. Anyway, hope it sounds okay, and comments are love! <3

Chapter Forty-Six: asdf

 

They kept dosing me with something.

I wasn’t sure what it was, only knew what it did.

It made it so my mind was fuzzy, hazy – I couldn’t contact Kieron, no matter how hard I tried, after I gave him my location and he said he would be here soon. That was nearly two days ago. I’d struggled to contact Kieron since then, and warn him – warn him this was a trap, tell him about my family, warn him about everything – but I couldn’t. I _couldn’t_ , no matter how hard I tried.

There was no warning him. I should have done it in the first place, but there wasn’t time. Exrie allowed me to send him a picture through my mind – my location – but that was it. Almost immediately after that I was tased again, and all I knew was darkness for a long time. When I next woke, my mind was this fuzzy haze, and I couldn’t contact him. I couldn’t warn him.

Every few hours they’d re-dose me, with this nasty green concoction they’d stab into my veins via syringe, and it never ended. I couldn’t contact Kieron, and wouldn’t be able to do so until he arrived. Until he was captured. Until…

_Oh, fuck me, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Kieron, please forgive me…_

But how could I ask him to forgive me, when I couldn’t even forgive myself?

I’d betrayed him again.

But I didn’t have a choice. It was either him or my family, and I couldn’t just let them murder the babies. My babies. I couldn’t let that happen.

But I couldn’t let them have Kieron, either.

I once shouted at John for doing this exact thing – picking his family over me, over Kieron. I told him I would never give anyone up. I told him I would find another way.

How wrong I was. I caved just like he did.

I gave Kieron up.

And now there was no way to warn him.

I had no more tears. I was sure I’d have more later, when I felt everything shatter through the bond. I dreaded it so much.

I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat.

Sometimes it felt like I couldn’t breathe, silent, dry sobs wracking my body.

_I’m so sorry. Please forgive me._

I chose family. Family over Kieron, when I always said he _was_ family. I was such a liar. A stupid, pathetic liar. I didn’t deserve Kieron. He didn’t deserve this.

_Please, I need to warn him. I have to warn him._

I had to explain things to him. He couldn’t just come here and get captured and think I _wanted_ to give him away.

Give him away…

I did exactly that. I chose family, and I gave Kieron away. I gave him up.

Gave him up like he was nothing.

_I’m so fucking sorry. Please. Please, break through, I have to warn him! Kieron, can you hear me? Please!_

But he never answered. Whatever mental block this concoction gave me… It was potent. Perhaps it was the barrier Kieron mentioned the last time we spoke. When I turned on him. When I betrayed him, _again_.

_I love you. I hope you never fucking doubt that. I love you so much._

Despite everything else – he had to know that. He had to know doing this was killing me. He had to know I never _wanted_ to do this. I never wanted to give him up. All I ever wanted to do was hold him and keep him safe.

But my family… my innocent family with the babies…

 _You can’t trust them,_ I once told John. I told him he couldn’t trust the screamers to keep their word.

I wasn’t sure I could trust them now. After they got Kieron, what was stopping them from murdering my family anyway? They’d have no reason to keep them alive except for their promise to me.

But what else could I do? I couldn’t just say no. I couldn’t just do nothing, and let them die in front of me.

I had to give them a _chance_.

_Kieron… fuck…_

I closed my tired, dry eyes and thought of him the last time I saw him. So perfect in bed. Above me, entering me, biting me, his eyes such a wonderful glow. So perfect, so alive and warm and _mine_ …

And I gave that away.

I’d never forgive myself.

I’d never forgive myself, I’d never forgive the Master, and I’d never forgive John for making me choose.

I _chose_.

And I didn’t choose the person most important to me. The person I was certain I couldn’t live without. A severed bond would kill me. My empty mind would kill me. Even now, as hazy as it was, I could still feel the bond in the background, a quiet hum, muted but there, always there.

I didn’t choose Kieron… but I couldn’t let them kill my family. I had to give them a chance.

 _One life for the good of many,_ a part of my mind whispered. _Kieron for your family._

 _Yeah,_ I told it brokenly, _but that one life is so important to me… That one life is one I struggled so hard to save… and I just gave it up…_

Never forgive myself.

_I’m so sorry. Please, you have to know I love you, and this is a trap…_

I tried to make it a little obvious, with how cooperative I was giving Kieron details on where I was. Last time I was captured I refused to tell him much of anything, and told him to stay away. He only eventually came for me because I was being tortured. But this time I readily told him, and I hoped he knew that was wrong. He had to know that was wrong. It was the only warning I could give him, due to this haze in my mind.

I hoped he knew something was wrong if I was telling him details on my location, telling him to come find me.

I hadn’t seen my family since I told Exrie I summoned Kieron here, and he gave me details to share. They took Tommy out of the room, and that was the last I saw of him. Of any of them. Exrie assured me they were fine; he visited daily. He said they were fine, but he was growing impatient. Surely it shouldn’t take this long for Kieron to arrive, he said.

I said nothing in response to him. He finally left me alone.

I was in this lush room, with the comfy bed, and I hated it.

The door was thick and always locked. I’d tried ramming my shoulder into it and busting it down, but it was too thick, too sturdy. This room had no windows, either; I didn’t know if it was day or night.

The more time I spent in this room, the more I felt unhinged.

_Kieron, stay away._

But my family…

Either way I was going to lose someone.

At least, I decided mirthlessly, when the bond snapped, I would lose my mind. Literally. They warned me a severed bond would most likely leave me in an asylum or something. Hopefully it would kill me too. I wouldn’t have to live with myself – because I couldn’t. I couldn’t live with myself after this.

Exrie’s plan would fail. If he severed the bond… I would lose my mind. I wouldn’t bond with him. And even if he forced me to bond with him, it would never be like it was with Kieron. It would never be warm and perfect and _mine_. I’d never kill for him. I tried to tell him that – but he said he’d judge that for himself.

What was it the walls told me?

_Exrie can only be defeated after he thinks he’s won._

After he… After he killed Kieron, he’d think he won.

But he’d fail, and he’d lose, because it wouldn’t work for him. My powers wouldn’t work for him. He wouldn’t get what he wanted.

_I just wanted to keep you safe, Kieron. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. I’m sorry._

So fucking sorry.

My arms itched and burned. I ran my hands up and down them, biting down hard on my lower lip as dread filled my stomach. Bile rose in my throat. Not yet, I told myself.

Not yet.

It’s too early.

Please not yet.

I wasn’t ready for this; I’d _never_ be ready for this.

_I just wanted to save you. I wanted to keep you both. Why can’t I keep you?_

Why’d I have to give up the person I loved? My perpetual. _Mine_.

 _Kieron, it’s a trap,_ I struggled to send his way. _Please, please, please – it’s a trap! I’m sorry! Kieron!_

The itching and burning increased. My nails scraped against my skin as I stood from the bed, pacing the room from the door to the bed and back again.

Something slammed against the door to my room. Tore it from its hinges.

I spun back toward it, having been pacing back toward the bed. A sob lodged in my throat as I surged forward, throwing my arms around him.

“ _Kieron_ ,” I choked brokenly. “Kieron, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, it’s a trap. It’s a trap.”

“I know,” Kieron said, wrapping an arm around me as he turned me toward the door.

“You… you _do_?” I whispered into his neck. His wonderfully warm neck, where his pulse beat against my nose. “I’m so sorry. They have my family. They have Tommy, Lacy, Amanda and Lucas. I couldn’t… I couldn’t watch them die. I couldn’t let them die. Please, Kieron, I’m _so sorry_ …”

“We’ll discuss it later,” he said firmly, prying me away from him. I struggled to hold on, not ready to be parted yet.

I hadn’t seen him in roughly six months. Half a year. He looked mostly the same, but with a bit more stubble than usual, and his hair looked a little longer, standing up in some places. He needed a haircut. Other than that, and his narrowed dark blue eyes, he looked the same as the last time I saw him. Six months ago.

He pushed me away, and I went. I eased away from him, swallowing thickly.

Dark blue eyes scanned over me briefly. Something in his gaze. _Something_.

He sighed, worried at his lower lip for a moment, before he leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to my mouth. I kissed back roughly, desperately, throwing my arms around his neck to bring him closer so our bodies were touching again. He pulled back before our bodies could meet, though, breaking the kiss as he sighed, looking away.

“I love you,” he said softly. “And I forgive you.”

“I love you too,” I told him shakily. “I love you so much. I never wanted to… to bring you here, Kieron. You have to know that. I would never… I can’t… I didn’t want this to happen.”

“I know family is important to you.”

A sob lodged in my throat. “ _You’re_ family, too,” I breathed quietly. “ _You’re_ important to me, too.”

He nodded toward the doorway, with the door still broken down. “We should go.”

“We have to get the others,” I said.

“Ashere is working on it as we speak.”

“Ashere’s here? You knew my family was here?” I asked, staring at him. He knew. He knew it was a trap, he said, and he knew my family was here. My chest felt a little lighter.

I’d still given him up, and I’d never forgive myself for that, but now there was a chance of all of us walking away from this. A chance I didn’t have to lose anyone.

He said nothing, lips twitching downward ever so slightly.

Then he led the way out of the room. I sucked in a quiet breath and followed after him.

The halls were dark and wide; I kept close behind Kieron, careful not to trip over my own feet, or his heels. He made a sharp turn down a narrow hallway, and at the end of it stood Alona. I’d never been so happy to see her.

Kieron didn’t come alone. He knew this was a trap, and he knew my family was here. Ashere was working on freeing them. We could all make it out of here. For the first time in a while, it felt like I could finally breathe.

Warmth brushed my thoughts. The haze cleared away a little.

 _Kieron?_ I sent his way. _Can you hear me now?_

 ** _Barely,_** he replied.

I sucked in a slow breath. At least he could hear me, even if it was faint. At least I could hear him.

 _Everything will be okay now,_ I told myself.

“Bekkah and Ashere have already left,” Alona said when we reached her.

“What about my family?” I asked.

“They are safe, and with them,” she assured me with a soft smile. “Now we just need to get out of here.” Her gaze went back to Kieron, and she shared a look with him. Something unspoken. _Something_ …

A pulse of something through the bond – faint, but definitely there, brushing briefly against my thoughts. Something heavy and raw and-

 _Guilt,_ my mind told me. _But why would he feel guilty?_

Why would he feel guilty? It made no sense.

“Kieron-” I started.

He silenced me with another kiss. **_I love you._**

Fear. Ice cold fear.

He’d never said it to me so many times in so few minutes, and usually I was the one to initiate it, not him. Why now?

_Kieron, what’s going on? What’s happening? Why do you feel guilty? What am I missing?_

**_Just know I forgive you._ **

With that he broke the kiss and pushed me ahead of him, so that I walked between him and Alona. The safest position, I supposed. He nodded at Alona, sharing another look with her, before she started walking, leading the way out of here while Kieron brought up the rear. I made sure he was right behind me before I started following her, even as I wondered what I was missing.

Kieron was right, though – we could discuss things later. Right now we had to focus on getting out of here.

My family was safe.

Now it was our turn to leave.

We moved quietly through the hallways. Kieron caught me easily when I tripped over something on the ground, and we kept going, with his hand on the small of my back, guiding me forward.

There, finally.

And exit.

A door, open and leading to sunlight. Fresh air.

We quickened our careful steps, hurrying toward the exit. Freedom was in sight – we were going to make it. We were all going to make it out of here, and I would apologize over and over to Kieron despite the fact he said he forgave me. I’d never forgive myself.

All of that changed in a second.

Kieron released this _sound_ behind me. A gasp, a whimper, a cough – I didn’t know. Something. It left me spinning to face him, but he was no longer directly behind me. He was further back in the darkness, staggering. Staggering, falling to his knees, and there was _steam_.

Pain pulsed through the bond. Along with that heavy, raw feeling. Guilt. Mine? Or his?

“ _Kieron_ ,” I choked, surging forward. I collapsed to my knees next to him, shaky hands reaching for him, feeling for injury. He collapsed forward, into my waiting arms. There, on his back – a wide hole, steaming. “Kieron, please, oh fuck – talk to me.”

He choked around words he couldn’t say – his breaths too shaky and ragged and _no_. Please no.

“It’s too late for him,” Alona said from where she stood behind me. “I can smell the blood. We have to get out of here – you’re the top priority.”

I shook my head helplessly, cradling Kieron to me. “Kieron, please? Can you – can you hear me?”

I didn’t hear the shot, but I watched as more blood spurted from Kieron, the bullet connecting with his exposed side. Steam rose into the air upon contact. I jerked in surprise, a sob catching in my throat as I attempted to maneuver myself more in front of him, even as I held him, unwilling and unable to let go.

Footsteps echoed toward us. A quiet chuckle, dark and deep.

My spine snapped taut.

 _Exrie_.

The Master appeared from the darkness, walking toward us, moving the large rifle over his shoulder. The rifle with a silencer. I should have heard it, I thought. I still should have heard it. But my world drowned out to the sound of Kieron’s shaky breaths, jagged and raw and _dispersing_ …

_No, no, no, don’t you leave me. Don’t you do it. Please, Kieron, you gotta stay with me._

I couldn’t lose him here. I couldn’t. Not after I did this to him. Not after I summoned him here, _chose my family over him_ , and my family was safe. Now it was our turn to be safe. Please, don’t let this happen. Please, please, please.

Alona snarled at Exrie, moving toward him.

He leveled the gun on her. “Now, now. Let’s not be so hasty.”

“Coward,” Alona spat.

Only cowards used guns here, I was told. Those who were weak. There was no effort involved, Kieron told me. All you did was aim and shoot. At least with an arrow it took a bit more cunning than that.

But now Exrie had a gun, with golden bullets.

And he shot Kieron. Twice.

There was so much blood. It was thick and heavy in the air, all I could smell and taste. But that might have been because I kept biting down _hard_ on my lip. Maybe if I cut it enough with my teeth, I’d wake up from this nightmare.

“Kieron?” I whispered. He was growing so heavy in my arms.

“R-un….” he told me breathlessly, body heaving with the effort, words choked by the blood in his mouth. I couldn’t see his face from this angle, but I knew. I knew blood was leaking from the edges, staining my shirt, staining my shoulder where his head rested.

“I’m not leaving you,” I told him around a sob. “So… so you can’t leave me, okay? Please don’t leave me.”

Exrie laughed. “Touching, truly. But this will go a lot faster if you let him slip away. Or I can end this now; I’ll make it quick. There will be little pain.”

I shook my head violently, shoulders shaking. “Please,” I whispered, clenching my eyes tightly closed against the onslaught of fresh tears. “ _Please_ let us go. We… We won’t bother you. We’ll leave. Please. _Please_.”

Just please let him live. Please let us leave so we could help him. _Please_.

“You know that’s not an option.”

A sob wrenched free. “It won’t work for you,” I tried to tell him again, desperate. “Do you hear me? It won’t fucking work. It will _never_ work for you.”

“And why is that?”

“Because I love Kieron,” I said shakily. “I love him and hate you, and it will _never work for you_. What you want isn’t possible. So just let us go!”

Why weren’t my abilities activating? Kieron was in danger. He was _dying_. I could feel this through the bond – the pain, the way that presence, always so constant and warm… the way it slipped…

Panic. Raw and fierce.

“Kieron, _don’t you dare_ ,” I hissed, shaking my perpetual. A groan ripped free of his mouth. At least he was still conscious, still with me. “This is _my fault_ , Kieron, _don’t you fucking do it. Don’t leave me!_ ”

“Terry! Kieron!”

The voice was familiar, but I didn’t dare turn to face it as they came in behind us. Couldn’t. Could only focus on Kieron.

Bekkah snarled and barreled into Exrie, leaping over me and Kieron. Exrie brought his gun around and fired, but no steam filled the air – it missed. And then Bekkah was on him, clawing at him.

I cradled Kieron to me and forced myself to my feet, bringing him with me. He was nothing but dead weight against me, really, except he tried to get his feet working. He tried. Because my perpetual was a fighter. Because he was so perfect and _mine_ and-

 _Don’t leave me,_ I sent his way. _Oh, fuck you, don’t you do it. Stay with me, we’ll get you help._

I struggled to drag him toward the door as snarls echoed behind me, along with the occasional shot of the gun. I didn’t dare look back and see how the battle was progressing. Didn’t dare stop for a second. Kieron was more important.

I had to get him out of here. I wouldn’t let him die here. Couldn’t, not for my mistake. My choice. My fault.

_I’m so sorry._

_Just please stay with me. Please._

He couldn’t _not_ stay with me, right?

He couldn’t leave.

“Almost there, Kieron,” I said as we exited the building, pushing into daylight. He looked so much worse in the light. Skin pale, too pale, blood dotting his lips, running in a thin trail from both corners of his mouth as he head bowed forward, eyes closed. I pulled him closer toward me, my legs threatening to give way, but I kept pushing forward. Couldn’t stop. “Almost there, just stay with me. _Stay with me_.”

“L-L-eave… m-e…”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “Fuck that, I’m not leaving you anywhere. You’re stuck with me, so don’t you fucking _leave me_ , do you hear me? Don’t you do it.”

“… S-orry…”

“Don’t be sorry, just stay with me. Please. Kieron? Hey – open your eyes.”

He dragged downward a little more, no longer attempting to stay up, and walk with me. I staggered, collapsing to my knees, bringing him down with me. I leaned him against my chest as I looked around – where were we supposed to go? Tears burned my eyes. Something slipped in my mind again. The haze kept a lot of it at bay, not letting me recognize what was happening – but I knew anyway. I felt it anyway.

I held him to my chest, his back against me and his legs sprawled out awkwardly, and I buried my face in his hair, letting the tears roll freely as sobs shook my body. “ _Please_ ,” I choked. “Please don’t leave me. I can’t… I can’t watch you die again. Please. _Please_ , you’re stronger than this. Fight!”

“… B-ond with… B-ekkah…”

“I won’t,” I said sharply, holding him tighter. “I won’t. I can’t. I’m bonded to you and only you. I don’t _want_ anyone else. I don’t need anyone else. Please. Please don’t do this to me.”

_Kieron, don’t you leave me. Do you hear me? Don’t you do it._

**_… Sorry…_ **

_Don’t be sorry, just fucking stay with me! I won’t let you die!_

**_… S-orry…_ **

More sobs ripped free, my tears soaking his hair. _I love you. I love you and I’m so fucking sorry, this is all my fault, please don’t fucking do this to me. Please don’t leave me. I can’t do this without you. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. I won’t. I’ll… I’ll tie you to my limbo again._

I wasn’t sure how, as I had no weapon this time, but I’d do it. I’d wound myself enough and tie him to my limbo. I wouldn’t let him leave.

**_S-top. J… Just stop…_ **

“I won’t,” I sobbed. “I won’t stop. I’ll bring you back. Do you hear me? _I’ll bring you back_.”

**_Not… possible…_ **

_It is possible. It is! I won’t let you do this to me. I won’t let you leave. I’ll bring you back. I’ll find a way._

I’d find a way to save him, even if he… even if he died. Miitha Tiaydh and Ethereal were full of mystical, spiritual wonders – surely there was a way to bring someone back. _Surely_. There had to be. This couldn’t be the end. This couldn’t be how it ended for us – with me holding him again as he bled out, as he choked on his breaths and that _something_ slipped in my mind. Slipped so easily despite how hard I tried to hold on, sand in a sieve.

I’d bring him back. I couldn’t let it end like this, not when it was _all my fault_.

**_Don’t… b-blame you… Terry…_ **

Another sob wrenched free, loud in my ears. “Stop it,” I managed. “Stop it, you’re not leaving me. I’ll… I’ll find a way to save you. I’ll bring you back, I’ll tie you to my limbo, I’ll _do something_ , you’re not – you can’t – _please don’t do this to me-_ ”

**_Sor-…_ **

“Kieron…? Kie? No. No, no, no. Hey – Hey, talk to me!”

He couldn’t die like this. He couldn’t slip away _mid sentence_.

That was cruel, and wrong, and-

_Kieron, you fucking answer me. Don’t you do this to me. Please._

No response.

Just his choked breaths.

Until his body stiffened, and then relaxed.

No more breaths.

I sobbed pitifully into his hair, clutching him toward me as though I might offer him some of my own life. “K-Kieron…? _Please. Kieron…_ ”

A hand snagged my arm, ripping me to my feet, tearing me forcefully away from Kieron. I watched, stricken, as his motionless body collapsed to the ground with a thud as I was moved away from him. I clawed forward, reaching for him.

“No,” I said, “no, _please_ , I have to – I can’t – _Kieron, wake up-_ ”

“It’s too late for him,” Alona said, dragging me to my feet. “We have to go.”

“ _No! Kieron! Let go of me!_ ”

“I’m sorry – I’m going to make this easier on you.”

Something sharp pricked the back of my neck. Something slipped in my mind. Something precious and blue and warm and _mine_ , and-

Then all I knew was a dark void.

xXx

The abyss was cold and barren.

Empty. Void.

The thick layer of snow should have left me shivering. Instead I merely stood there, tears blurring my vision.

_Please not again. Please, anything but this._

Empty and alone. Shouldn’t have been alone. Where…?

_Kieron. Kieron, where are you?_

Something nagged at my mind. A memory. Something. Pain and slipping and red.

_Kieron, answer me. Where are you?_

You are alone.

I flinched at the voice. It echoed around me despite the fact I was in open air, with a blizzard rampaging all around. The voice wasn’t familiar – not that presence. What was it? _Perez_. It wasn’t Perez.

Memories trickled through my mind, there one second and gone the next. I couldn’t focus. Couldn’t concentrate. All I knew was-

“Kieron,” I said. “Where’s Kieron?”

He wasn’t here with me. I couldn’t… I couldn’t _feel_ him. Why couldn’t I feel him? Why was it so cold and dark and empty? It shouldn’t have been. Where was he?

Kieron’s passing has left your mind fractured. They are attempting to repair what they can so you will awaken.

Kieron’s… Kieron’s _what_?

A stab of cold fear, in my chest. “No,” I said, eyes burning. “No, what are you saying? Where’s Kieron?”

Kieron is dead. He expired 3.2 days ago. You’ve been in a coma since.

Dead.

 _Expired_.

Sobs tore up my throat as I shook my head weakly. “No – No, you’re _lying_. He’s not dead. He’s not… he’s not gone. I didn’t lose him. _I can’t lose him_.”

But the memories trickling through my mind… red blood on the ground, on me, on pale skin… Steam… The Master…

My legs gave way and I collapsed to my knees, kneeling there in the snow, body trembling. “Oh, fuck, please be lying. Tell me you’re lying. Please, don’t let him be _gone_ – don’t let this happen! Where is he!”

He is gone. You failed him, and in doing so you failed yourself.

The voice was unrelenting, unemotional, flat and void.

Empty.

Just like me.

The sobs wracked my body, tears strolling freely down my cheeks as I struggled to breathe. _Kieron… oh, fuck me, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. My fault._

I could remember now.

Kieron, or my family. I’d had to choose. I chose my family.

He came for me. Of course he did – he always did.

Momentary relief – he knew it was a trap. My family was safe. Freedom was so _close_.

Then he fell behind me. Exrie, with a gun and golden bullets. My perpetual, bleeding out in my arms, just like before. Begging him to stay – _please don’t do this to me, don’t let this be real_ – but ultimately failing. Being torn away from his breathless body.

 _Body_. Such a terrible word.

A terrible description of Kieron.

“Please,” I choked around the heaving sobs. “ _Please_ , don’t let this be real. Bring him back. Please bring him back.”

My fault. All my fault. Not his. He didn’t deserve this – he didn’t deserve any of this.

_Please, I can’t be responsible for his death. Not again. Please. I can’t do this without him – I **won’t** do this without him._

“Bring him _back_ ,” I sobbed pathetically, shivering as the snow storm continued. “Please just _give him back_.”

_He’s mine, please don’t take him away… please give him back… Please let me wake up from this nightmare…_

I cannot give him back. The dead should stay dead.

“Should,” I breathed, shivering. “ _Should_ stay dead. So there’s a way. There’s a way to bring him back. _Tell me_. Tell me how to bring him back!”

There is no bringing him back. You failed, and you are alone.

“ _No_ ,” I gasped around the choked breaths, “please – please, _I’ll do anything_. Don’t take him away. _Give him back_.”

I did nothing. You chose this. You chose this reality.

“I didn’t choose _this_! I would _never_ choose this!” I shouted, fear and despair and so much fucking _regret_ tearing through me.

Then do it again, the echoing voice said.

“W-What…?”

Choose a difference choice. Do it differently. You have one chance.

“What? I don’t… I don’t know what you mean,” I whispered brokenly. “Give him back, please just _bring him back_ …”

Once chance. Do not throw it away.

Then the ground gave way beneath me, and I was falling.

xXx

I opened my eyes when someone knocked on my door.

A silent sob caught in my throat, choking me as I blinked heavy eyelids open. Tears burned the lids, streaking down my cheeks. The knocking continued, loud and impatient. I shakily threw the covers back and sat up, my feet touching the floor as I looked quickly around the room. My room. _Our_ room. At the apartment. Safe.

_Kieron, please answer me. I need you to answer me. I need you to open the bond fully._

Something… something on the edge of my mind, something from my nightmare…

It was a nightmare, right? Why was I so shaky?

Red blood. Golden bullets. Exrie.

My breath caught in my throat as the memories slammed into me.

 _Do it again,_ the voice told me. _One more chance. Don’t throw it away._

What did that even _mean_?

The knocking continued.

_Kieron, **please**_ **,** _answer me._

**_I’m here, human._ **

At his voice the sobs ripped free. _Oh, fuck, you’re alive. You’re okay._

The bond opened more. No longer this muted hum, but warm and alive and blue and _Kieron_ …

_You’re alive. You’re **alive**._

**_Of course I’m alive. What’s going on, human?_ **

_I just… I j-just had a really weird dream…_ I told him, allowing myself to breathe for a moment. He was alive. He was okay. It was just a dream. Just a nightmare.

The knocking grew louder, more impatient. Fuck.

I sighed and climbed out of bed, wiping the tears from my eyes. I was in no mood for company. It was probably Tommy.

 _Tommy_ …

It was just a dream. I didn’t have to choose. Everyone was okay.

I padded out of the bedroom, and once at the door, instead of prying it open to shout at whoever was there – even if it was Tommy, because I didn’t want to talk to anyone right now, I just wanted to relax in the knowledge that it was _just a dream_ – I instead looked through the peephole.

 _John_.

My whole body stiffened, my breaths trapped in my throat.

_No. It was just a dream. This isn’t happening, he’s not here…_

This was how it began last time. In the dream. John woke me up with his knocking on my door, I opened it, conversed very briefly with him, and he… he tased me. Then I woke up in a room with Exrie watching me, and he _made me choose_ …

 _Choose a different choice,_ the voice had said in the dream.

I didn’t open the door.

Instead I backed away, panic clawing at my throat. If this was like the dream… then John had a taser. He would use it against me.

_Kieron?_

**_Yeah?_ **

I drew in a slow, shaky breath as I entered the kitchen, reaching for a steak knife. It wasn’t much, but it was all I had for a weapon.

 _No matter what happens… don’t come looking for me,_ I told him.

**_What are you talking about? Is everything okay?_ **

_If this plays out how I think it will… then John is working for Exrie again, and he’s here. He’s gonna taser me._

**_What? How do you know?_ **

I sucked in a trembling breath as the doorknob rattled, John fed up with knocking finally. I ducked down next to the fridge, out of sight from the doorway, clutching the knife tightly.

Choose a different choice, it said.

Before, in the dream… I chose to open the door and speak with John despite how much I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t think he was a threat – not like that, not anymore. I thought we were past that.

This time… I chose differently. I would defend myself. I wouldn’t open the door.

The door was locked, but if John was as determined as I thought he was, that wouldn’t matter.

_Just don’t come looking for me, Kieron. Promise me._

**_I’m coming back. You don’t sound right._ **

I smiled despite myself. Despite the way the door was flung open as John broke it down and stepped into the apartment.

“Terry,” he called. “I know you’re here. Look, I’m _sorry_ … they have my sister. They have _Tess_. Please just make this fast and easy. I don’t want to hurt you.”

 _Funny,_ I thought, _considering your actions caused me the most pain. If you take me I lose Kieron. I know how this plays out._

I wasn’t sure _how_ I knew – if it was a vision, a premonition, in my dream or what – but I knew.

John walked past the little kitchen area heading toward the bedroom. I clutched the knife tightly, shifting further next to the refrigerator, hoping he wouldn’t glance over and see me. If he kept moving he wouldn’t see me. If he looked…

He looked. Of course he did.

He was determined to find me.

He lunged at me. I rolled away, thrusting my knife at him. I caught him in the leg as I jerked to my feet, scrambling to get around him. I made it past the counter, grabbing hold of it to fling myself forward and away from him, and I scrambled for the door.

He tackled me from behind.

I felt the pain of the taser hitting between my shoulder blades, and then all I knew was darkness.

Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry Terry is kind of a crybaby in this chapter, but he's dealing with a lot of negative emotions. I'd cry if I were in his shoes. Anyway, hope it sounds okay :)


	47. Choices Redux

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay but here's an extra long chapter, yay :) I know the story isn't that great (and a lot of stuff either sucks or doesn't make sense and character development is wrong) but here it is anyway. Maybe one day I'll come back and fix it, but until then... enjoy!

Chapter Forty-Seven: Choices Redux

 

I woke in a lush room, in a comfortable bed, with flickering green candles my only source of light.

And next to me, like in my dream… Exrie.

My heart slammed against my ribs painfully as I sat up, swallowing thickly. “It won’t work,” I said instantly. “Please, let my family go. It won’t work.”

He blinked at me. “You know I have them. Interesting. I am curious how you know, since you were unconscious for two days, but please – what won’t work?”

I sucked in a ragged breath, images of steaming wounds and red blood still too fresh on my mind. “Your plan,” I told him. “Even if you… Even if you kill Kieron and force me to bond with you, it won’t work. I love Kieron; I hate you. It’s completely different; my powers won’t work for you.”

“We’ll see about that.”

Why would he not listen to me?

“It won’t work,” I said again, shaking my head.

“Since you know I have your family, I suppose I don’t need to bring your brother into the room,” Exrie said calmly, watching me with narrowed, bright brown eyes. “And since you know I have them, I am certain you can guess what your options are.”

_My options._

I closed my eyes, tears burning furiously behind the lids as I exhaled brokenly.

“Please don’t make me choose,” I whispered.

 _Choose a different choice,_ the voice had said.

I chose my family over Kieron, in my dream. I chose them, and he died. He _died_ , and it was _all my fault_. The hurt from the dream was too raw, too fresh, too _real_.

But what was I supposed to do now?

_Choose a different choice._

But how?

If I said I chose Kieron… Exrie would kill my family.

If I chose differently, as the voice said… I would lose my family, because I was certain Exrie would not hesitate in killing them right now, right in front of me, and Kieron had no idea where I was yet, so he couldn’t help them escape.

Not unless I called him here.

And I couldn’t call him here. I _couldn’t_.

But I couldn’t choose him over my family, either.

What’d I once tell John?

I said I’d choose both, if I was given this very ultimatum. I wouldn’t sacrifice anyone.

And yet in the dream… I did. I sacrificed Kieron, and couldn’t live myself afterward. Didn’t want to live with myself afterward – couldn’t exist in that world, that reality.

_Choose a different choice. One chance, don’t throw it away._

I sucked in a trembling breath.

“Well?” Exrie asked. “What’s it going to be, human? Your family, or Kieron?”

I kept my eyes closed on the tears, and sucked in a slow, steady breath. “Neither,” I finally said.

“Excuse me?”

“Neither,” I said again. “I choose neither. I choose both.”

“That isn’t an option, I’m afraid.”

“Then make it one,” I snapped back, keeping my eyes closed. “If you kill my family you’ll get nothing from me. It might take me a while, but I’ll find a way to kill myself. I won’t give you _anything_. And if you get Kieron… _I’ll kill you_.”

The conviction in my voice gave him pause.

Finally he laughed. “You think this is a negotiation. How quaint. It’s not. Let me tell you how things work here. You give me your perpetual, and I let your family live. You don’t give me your perpetual, and I kill your family one at a time, in front of you, until you eventually break, as you inevitably will. And you will be without either of them. How does that sound?”

_Choose a different choice._

But I tried. I tried choosing a different choice.

I tried, and I failed, because he wasn’t going to let my family live if I chose Kieron. And if I chose my family…

_I’ll lose Kieron. And I can’t. I can’t watch him die again._

Not again. Please, _never again_.

“I’m waiting,” Exrie said. “And I should warn you I am not very patient. What is it going to be?”

_Kieron? Can you hear me?_

“I… I don’t… how can I choose?” I asked, stalling for time.

As soon as I gave him an answer, he would knock me out again, and then I’d be on that concoction which made it impossible for me to contact Kieron. If I was going to talk to him, it had to be now, while I stalled.

_Kieron, please, you really need to answer me._

**_I hear you, human. Where are you? I’ve been looking for you for days._ **

At his voice so warm and steady in my mind, the bond opening somewhat, I barely managed to keep my shoulders from relaxing. Instead I didn’t let anything show – kept my face that careful mask of pained indecision, kept my shoulders just as tense as they were, and kept my eyes closed tight.

_I’ll tell you where I am, but you have to promise you won’t come looking for me. Not you. Ashere, Bekkah, Alona – others – that’s fine, but not you. They already have my family; I’m not letting them get you too. Do you hear me?_

**_I’m not leaving you there,_** Kieron said indignantly. **_And I’m not letting them look for you alone. I can find you easier than they can._**

_I don’t care, Kieron, I need you to stay away. Please. Just this once. Just this once let the others come but stay back. Please just trust me. Please._

“I’m not hearing an answer.”

“I’m thinking,” I said quietly. “Please, I can’t make this decision lightly… please understand this is hard for me.”

“I can hear your heart racing. What are you hiding?”

At his words my heart raced even more, even as I struggled to calm it down.

_Kieron, please. **Please**. Promise me._

“Just weighing my choices,” I said weakly. “This is hard for me, okay? I love Kieron, and I love my family, and you’re asking me to lose one of them… and I just… it’s hard, okay? I’m sorry I’m not doing this fast enough for you, but I can’t do this lightly.”

Exrie was silent for a moment.

I never tried contacting Kieron like this the first time, as I was too worried about the conversation to give the mental link much thought until I made my choice. Now I struggled to look and sound convincing while I held a mental conversation with Kieron.

 _I choose you both,_ I thought.

_Kieron, promise?_

**_Fine,_** he said roughly, clearly reluctant, but consenting all the same. **_Give me your location and I’ll send Ashere and the others, but you better be right about this._**

_Thank you. Just trust me. I’m here._

And I sent him the mental image from before – the location Exrie gave me to give to Kieron the first time around. I still held it in my mind, from the dream. Was it a dream, a nightmare? Or a vision? A premonition?

_Choose a different choice._

_I am. I will. I won’t let it happen again._

“Alright,” I said, opening my eyes. “I choose my family. But I don’t know where Kieron is – I haven’t seen him in months. I’ve barely even spoken to him.”

This was true, of course – and close to what I said last time.

“I’ll give you the location, and you summon him here,” Exrie said, smiling. “That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

“You’ll let my family go?”

“As soon as Kieron is captured, you have my word they will be released. I have no need of them after that point.”

I swallowed thickly, and nodded. “Alright. What’s the location?”

xXx

Two days later, I waited in the room I’d been occupying, my head fuzzy from that green concoction they kept giving me every few hours.

By this point I was waiting in suspense, and dread.

In the dream, around this time was when Kieron broke down my door. By then Ashere had been freeing my family.

_You better not come here, Kieron. Please stay away._

This could work, I told myself. This could really work. I could have them both. I could change how this played out – I could _fix this_.

I swallowed and waited. And waited. And waited.

_Where are they…?_

Kieron found me rather quickly. Why were the others late?

xXx

Three days.

I’d been in this room, with a hazy mind, for three long days.

Exrie was growing very impatient.

“I don’t know what’s taking him so long,” I said quietly. “He should be here by now. Maybe if you’d let me contact him again…”

“And give you a chance to warn him? I think not,” Exrie said, waving his hand. “But I grow impatient. If he does not show himself in the next day, I will have to start taking out my frustrations.”

I swallowed thickly, ice hitting my veins. “You said you wouldn’t hurt my family. You said you’d let them go.”

He flashed me a crooked, twisted smile. “Ah, but I am a liar.”

Then he laughed, at whatever expression I made. Probably a terrified one.

_Please don’t hurt them._

“I was never going to release your family, Terry,” he said as he walked toward the door, flashing me another grin, all teeth. “I guess now you’ll lose them both, won’t you? I suppose it’s good you chose _neither_.”

With another laugh, he left the room, shutting the door behind him. The lock slid into place, and my heart hammered violently in my chest.

_No. Please don’t hurt them!_

I surged to my feet and raced across the room, pounding at the door, struggling to get out, but of course I couldn’t break down the door. I couldn’t before; why would now be any different? All it got me was a bruised shoulder.

I couldn’t get out, and Exrie was going to kill my family no matter what.

Where were they?

xXx

Time passed.

I would be due for another concoction soon. Another syringe to leave my mind a hazy mess. I tried to think of a way out of this room as I waited, but sadly I could not come up with anything. There were no windows, and the door was too thick for me to break. Attempting to outrun or overpower someone when they came in to give me the concoction wouldn’t work, either; they were all faster and stronger than me.

Something slammed harshly into the door, busting it open. I jumped to my feet, moving toward the door as a figure stepped inside.

I’d never been so happy to see Ashere in my life.

“How’s my family?” I asked.

“Bekkah is taking them out as we speak,” he told me. “Let’s go, quickly.”

In the dream… Kieron and I hesitated in this room. We talked briefly; I apologized, and he said… he said he loved me, and he forgave me. Why? Why did he say that? It was like he knew. He _knew_ he was going to die. That was the _something_ that kept flashing in his eyes. He knew it was a trap for him, somehow, and he knew he was going to die. So he said he loved me, and forgave me, multiple times so he’d have no regrets.

_Kieron, we are talking about this later. I forbid you to give goodbye speeches, dammit._

“Where’s Kieron?” I asked as I followed Ashere out of the room. “Not here, I hope.”

“He stayed behind and is rendezvousing with your family not far from here,” he told me quietly as he led me through the dark, wide hallway, and then down a narrow side hallway.

It was all too familiar. I shivered.

Alona waited at the end of the hallway. She smiled when she saw me. “It is good to see you are well. Kieron was worried when his attempts at contacting you failed.”

“They gave me some weird concoction,” I said, grimacing. “It should be wearing off soon; they give it to me every few hours, so I can’t contact him.”

Alona nodded, and then led the way down another hallway. This, too, was familiar.

Too familiar. Too reminiscent of the dream, the nightmare.

My skin crawled, itching and burning.

Why?

Kieron wasn’t here, I told myself. He wasn’t here. This wouldn’t happen like it did in my dream. I’d keep both him and my family safe. I’d get to keep them both.

Alona veered down another familiar hallway and I stopped, causing Ashere to run into my back at the suddenness of it.

“We need to find a different way out,” I said softly, when Alona looked back at me with a frown. “Another exit.”

“There’s an exit right down the next hallway,” she told me.

Flashes of that hallway shot through my mind. The taste of freedom, so close but so far, and then red. So much red, and steam, and golden bullets and _please no, don’t leave me, please_ -

I blinked a few times, refocusing my vision. “We need to leave another way,” I said.

“I hope you have a good reason for this.”

“I’ll explain everything once we’re out of here, I promise.”

Not that there was too much to explain; I had a weird, creepy dream, _nightmare_ , and that was it. Except it might have been more than that because a lot of what happened in the dream was happening now, and I couldn’t let that continue. I had to stop it.

Instead of veering right like before, we went left and down a flight of stairs. We came out in what appeared to be sleeping quarters – but for who? Or what? The screamers? Drayden, the demon? I prayed it wasn’t here, but it seemed to stick close to the Master so it was a strong possibility. In any case, the room was empty, the beds neatly made, and we crept silently through it and through another door. This one led us to another wide hallway.

“Which way?” I asked, glancing at the two perpetuals.

They shared looks, and then Ashere shrugged at me.

I glared at him. “What do you mean you don’t know?”

“The sense of smell is muted here – at least the outside scents,” Ashere said rinkling his nose. “Kieron could find a way out, but my nose is not as strong as his, I’m afraid.”

“Same,” Alona said helpfully.

I sighed heavily, growing frustrated.

**_Human…? Can you… me now? Can you hear me now? Hello?_ **

A smile slid across my face. _Yes, Kie, I can hear you. I hope you’re staying away like I asked._

A pause. Hesitation.

_Kieron, you better be away from here._

**_I was,_** Kieron said finally. **_But I think Exrie knows you’re escaping. I’m on my way there; looks like there might be a fight._**

My heart stuttered in my chest. _No,_ I said instantly. _You stay away!_

**_Why is it so important I continue to stay away?_ **

_I’ll explain later, just stay away!_

He had to stay away; I couldn’t have him in danger again. I couldn’t watch him bleed again. I couldn’t watch him _die_ again.

I could still hear that voice saying ‘Kieron’s passing’ and ‘Kieron is dead’ and ‘he is gone’.

 _Choose a different choice,_ it said.

I did. I tried.

Kieron had to stay away. He _had_ to stay away. I couldn’t have him here; I couldn’t _lose him again_.

_Kieron, stay away! We’re on our way out now, just stay away. Please. Trust me._

He’d trusted me so far, even though I probably wasn’t make a lot of sense. To him, I just sprung all of this on him; he had to be confused, but he’d trusted me so far. He just needed to trust me a little longer. Just a little longer, and he’d be safe. We’d all be safe. No one had to die today.

_Kieron, please?_

**_Fine, human. I’ll wait outside. But you better be right._ **

I exhaled slowly, and nodded, even though I knew he couldn’t see me. To the others I probably looked a little crazy, but oh well. Ashere eyed me briefly; I felt his gaze on my back as he trailed behind me, bringing up the rear, and Alona led the way.

“Keep an eye out for Exrie,” I murmured quietly, breaking the silence of our walk.

“That asshole is here? Great,” Ashere muttered.

“Yeah, he’s here.”

“Well, this _is_ a trap, and your family was here… so I can only assume he’s behind it all, so it makes sense. I’m just surprised your family was in good condition.”

“They were?” I asked, feeling lighter.

“Yeah – even the babies. The woman seemed very confused and terrified, but your brother kept her calm enough,” Alona said.

That was good. They were okay.

Now we just needed to get out of here.

And Kieron needed to stay away. Stay out of the building, stay out of sight – just stay away. I couldn’t risk him again. I couldn’t watch it happen again.

We rounded an unfamiliar corner, which led down a narrow hallway with a door at the end of it. Alona glanced back at me. “I smell fresh air.”

I nodded and looked around nervously. Last time we dashed for the exit, Exrie caught us unaware. Kieron wasn’t here, but I was unwilling to be caught off guard again.

We’d gone a different route than before, though; in the dream, or whatever it was, we took the easy way. This time we took a different way.

_Choose a different choice._

I did.

We hurried forward. Alona threw the door open.

Dying daylight. Fresh evening air.

_We made it._

It was almost too easy. I looked over my shoulder.

Ashere wasn’t behind me anymore.

I stopped moving, turning completely around, eyes focused on the doorway we just left. I didn’t see the silver-haired perpetual anywhere. “Where’s Ashere?” I asked, catching Alona’s attention.

She approached me, frowning. “He was right behind us.”

Movement behind us.

I spun back around, my back now to the doorway.

“Kieron,” I breathed, as my perpetual approached us, scowling at me. My pulse stuttered in my chest. He was okay. He was alive. He looked so _perfect_. So alive and wonderful and _mine_ …

“Where’s Ash?” he asked, frowning as he looked around. “Wasn’t he with you?”

“He was right behind us,” Alona said. “I didn’t hear anything.”

Kieron sniffed the air. “I smell blood.”

And then he was hurrying toward the building, toward the doorway. Before I could make a move he disappeared inside, and the sound I released was more like a sob than anything else.

“ _No_ ,” I breathed, racing forward. “Kieron, come back!”

Alona snagged my wrist, yanking me back, pulling me away from the building. Away from Kieron.

I struggled, but her grip was a vice. “No – let go! Kieron!”

He was in the building. He was in the building where something happened to Ashere.

And she was holding me back.

“ _Let go!_ ” I shouted pathetically, attempting to unwrap her fingers myself, but she would always be stronger than me.

“We can’t risk you,” she said quietly, apologetically. “You’re the top priority. Kieron knows what he’s doing. We have to go.”

“No – no, _you don’t understand_ , I have to – Kieron!”

“There you are,” came a new voice. Bekkah walked next to us as Alona continued pulling me away from the building. Away from Kieron. “Where’s Ashere?”

“Something happened to him; he’s in the building still,” Alona replied smoothly, calmly. “Kieron went in after him.”

“We have to go back! You don’t understand! We have to go back!” I said, still struggling, breathless with desperation.

_Please, please, please – I can’t leave him there. I have to save him. Please, let go! We have to go back!_

Pain exploded through me, but not my own. Phantom pains, in my side.

_No. No! Kieron!_

“ _We have to go back_ ,” I choked, looking pleadingly at Bekkah. “Please – he’s hurt! We have to help him!”

Bekkah frowned, and then hurried back toward the building.

Alona continued pulling me along.

“Please – _please let go_!”

The pain seeping through the bond was intense; breathtaking, terrible-

“ _Let go of me!_ ”

Burning, igniting inside of me.

She was keeping me from Kieron. Away from my perpetual.

My pained perpetual.

Had to save him. Couldn’t _not_ save him. Couldn’t let him down again. Had to fix this.

But she was stopping me.

I snarled, yanking away from her even as she stopped and grabbed her head, throwing me a glare. “Terry, I’m not a threat!”

As soon as my wrist was freed, I hurriedly left her side, racing back toward the building, praying I wasn’t too late.

I hadn’t felt anything _slip_ yet.

_Please don’t let it slip._

I raced through the doorway and nearly tripped a few steps later. Ashere was on the ground, steam thick in the air. He looked up at me with pained, tired eyes, looking rather confused for a moment before he seemed to recognize me.

“R-un,” he told me.

I hesitated. Did I keep going, looking for Kieron and Bekkah? Or did I help Ashere?

I couldn’t let Kieron die.

But I couldn’t leave Ashere like this, either.

I didn’t hate him. I was starting to like him – he was my friend. I couldn’t leave him here like this; I had to at least take him to Alona. He was hurt; she could help. She had to help.

But Kieron…

Alona, thankfully, saved me from making the decision.

She snarled as she appeared behind me. “Terry, you can’t just go running off like that.”

“Help him,” I said, gesturing at Ashere, before I raced further down the dark hallway. I couldn’t see Kieron, but I could hear fighting. Snarls and growls. Pain flared through my side again.

_I’m coming, Kieron._

**_You stay the fuck away,_** my perpetual replied harshly.

I staggered at his sudden voice, but kept going. Had to keep going. Had to find him, save him. _I’m not leaving you. I’m coming._

I rounded a corner and there he was.

Hunched over somewhat with an arm wrapped around the side which ached, steam thick in the air with Bekkah crawled at his feet, wounded as well. Exrie stood before them, smirking  as he reloaded his gun. Kieron snarled and charged forward before I could say or do anything, and his hands wrapped around the gun, fighting Exrie for it.

I hurried forward, uncertain as to what I could or would do, but I couldn’t just stand there and do nothing.

Kieron and Exrie struggled for control of the gun. I ran forward and slammed into Exrie, catching him by surprise. He staggered, and his grip loosened just enough on the gun. Kieron yanked it free of his grasp and immediately turned it so he could fire it. The shot was silent due to the suppressor, and I watched as steam filled the air and Exrie staggered back, snarling in pain.

Then he lunged forward, and all I knew was pain.

Pain in my chest as his claws scraped across it, his momentum flinging me backward into the wall, where my back met cement block with a harsh ‘crack’. I slid to the ground, breathless and moaning, and suddenly Kieron was next to me. I looked around with blurred vision but Exrie was nowhere to be seen, but I knew he couldn’t be too far, not after he was shot. I didn’t see where the bullet hit him, but he’d need to heal and probably dig the bullet out unless it went all the way through, which I doubted. In the dream – it hadn’t gone all the way through Kieron.

“Easy, human,” Kieron said through gritted teeth, phantom pain flaring in my side again, “I got you. Easy.”

I choked for breath, feeling his healing warmth seep through me. The wounds weren’t too deep, but any chest wound on a human was something to worry about. I also couldn’t feel my legs after my back hit the wall, which was worrisome, but at least they weren’t hurting.

“You’re foolish,” Kieron told me, hands pressing against my chest, healing warmth spreading from his fingertips. “Recklessly foolish.”

“Had to… save you…” I breathed, wincing as my eyes fluttered closed and I focused on simply breathing, the pain dying down somewhat.

“Save me?” Kieron asked. “Never mind. We’ll discuss it later. I need you to stay awake because I can’t carry both you and Bekkah out of here. Did Alona get Ash?”

I nodded weakly, prying heavy eyelids open. “You’re hurt,” I murmured quietly.

“I’ll live,” he said. “It’s just… I’ll have to dig the bullet out.”

I frowned at the thought.

But at least he was alive. He was still standing, technically speaking – talking to me, breathing, _living_ …

I’d saved him. Somehow.

He wouldn’t die today.

Relief ebbed through me, and my eyes closed again.

xXx

I woke sometime later. My head throbbed, but other than that I felt fine. Immediately I sought out the bond, memories rushing through my mind. Kieron was a warm presence in the back of my mind, and I instantly relaxed in the bed I rested in. I sat up slowly, looking around, but I was alone.

_Kie?_

**_You’re awake, good. Your family wants to speak with you._ **

I winced. My family. Tommy already knew about Ethereal and the bond and everything, but he didn’t know _everything_. I left out certain details. He would certainly have questions. Lacy also didn’t know anything about Ethereal or anything; she would be confused and have many questions, too. I wasn’t looking forward to the conversation.

 _How are they?_ I asked.

 ** _Well, considering,_** he answered. **_Lacy is… in shock, I think. The babies are fine. You didn’t tell me she had the boy._**

I realized he was right; Lacy had Lucas early November, when I couldn’t get Kieron to answer me through the bond, so I hadn’t told him my nephew had been born yet.

 _I couldn’t reach you,_ I said. _Did you even hear me trying to contact you? Or did you just ignore me?_

Hesitation.

 ** _Alona was teaching me barriers,_** he said finally, and that tugged at something in my memory. He mentioned something about barriers, in the dream. In that future that didn’t happen, because he was alive and whole and- **_I didn’t mean to ignore you; I just had to focus on my training, and on finding… those who want you dead._**

I sighed; he was right, of course, but still. I would have liked a response from him. _Alright. Why were you learning barriers?_

I enjoyed our bond; why would he close himself off to me?

 ** _It’s not like that,_** he assured me, picking up on my thoughts. **_Alona just thought learning better barriers and shields would help me, in case anything like Perez happened again. There are certain telepaths in Ethereal, too; learning better shielding is just smart._**

That… made sense, I supposed.

 _Oh,_ I said. _Okay. Should I learn shielding, then?_

**_Humans aren’t from here, so they’re not as easily picked up by telepaths, but yes, you should learn it at some point. She’ll work with you when you’re ready._ **

_Alright, sounds good. How are you?_

**_What do you mean?_ **

_You got shot. Are you okay?_ I could remember the phantom pain, and the gun with the golden bullets.

 ** _I’m fine. Alona dug the bullet out._** A pause, and then, regretfully: **_I should tell you about Ashere._**

I winced. _Is he okay?_ I could remember him on the ground, with steam in the air.

 ** _He lives, but I wouldn’t say he’s ‘okay’,_** Kieron said somewhat roughly.

_What happened? What do you mean?_

More hesitation.

 ** _Exrie shot him in the leg, downing him,_** he finally said. **_By the time we got him help, there was no fixing his leg. Damage done by those bullets doesn’t heal as fast, and certain things done by golden weapons… well, there’s no recovering from them, not completely._**

 _What are you saying?_ It certainly didn’t sound good. _And you got shot, too; are you sure you’re okay?_

 ** _Still sore, and it hurts when I breathe too deeply, but I’ll live,_** he said dismissively.

I hated that dismissive tone, but allowed it nevertheless, for now. _What about Ashere?_

Another pause.

 ** _We had to amputate his leg,_** Kieron said finally.

That took a long time to process.

Ashere, without a leg? With only one leg? It didn’t compute. It didn’t make any sense. How?

 _But he’s a perpetual,_ I said, confused. _I thought you guys regrew limbs or something…?_

 ** _Typically, yes, we do,_** Kieron said. **_It’s part of our healing process. But since it was done with a golden weapon… it’s not healing like we hoped. It’s been two days, and he’s still without a leg. We’re not sure if it will heal._**

They weren’t sure if he’d ever get his leg back. He could be an amputee for the rest of his immortal life.

 _I’m sorry,_ I said. I knew this was hard for Kieron; they were best friends, after all. _How is he doing?_

I didn’t hate Ashere, after all. He was starting to grow on me, really. Even if I did hate him, I wouldn’t wish this upon him, just like I hadn’t wished for Blaine’s death.

**_He’s not taking it very well._ **

I winced. Of course he wasn’t taking it well. How could he process what was happening? He was supposed to heal from everything; he was supposed to be immortal. And yet… now he was without a leg. It all happened so fast, too. One minute he was right behind us; the next, he wasn’t.

The door to the room opened, then, and I glanced over to find Kieron entering the room. I smiled at him, throwing my feet over the edge of the bed. The room was lit by dying sunlight, seen through the windows.

“Wait a minute,” I said, frowning. “You said _two days_? I’ve been out for two days?”

He nodded. “Whatever concoction they were feeding you… it left your mind a little too hazy. You slept easily, and deeply, and while I could wake you, you didn’t stay awake for very long. Alona said you’d be fine once it was completely out of your system, though.” A pause, then: “How do you feel?”

I smiled again. “I’m fine, Kie. And you’re fine. So I’m great.”

He scowled. “I don’t understand why you think I’m not. And what did you mean, you had to _save_ me?” He crossed the room to stand in front of me, frowning down at me.

I flinched and looked away, averting my gaze toward the floor. “I had a… weird dream.”

“Yeah, you said that before, but what’s that mean? Since when do your dreams do this to you?”

I shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know. It was just… really weird. So _real_.”

“What do you mean?”

I sighed. “I don’t know. I just… I dreamt about everything that happened, before it happened. I _knew_ what was going to happen. But in the dream… I made different choices.”

“Different choices?” Kieron echoed. “How so?”

I swallowed thickly, a lump stuck in my throat. “Exrie made me choose.”

“Choose?”

“Between you and my family,” I said softly. “I could keep quiet about you, and lose my family, or I could… I could tell you where I was, and ask you to find me, summoning you to me, to _him_ … and save my family.”

Kieron was quiet for a long moment, before he sighed. “Well,” he said, “shit.”

“Yeah,” I said weakly. “Shit.”

“You chose your family.”

He didn’t pose this as a question, just a statement, and anger burned through me as I glared at him, ripping my gaze away from the floor.

“What makes you think I didn’t choose you?”

“You didn’t,” he said, shrugging. “Why would you? One life for the good of many. It makes sense, and you’d never let anything happen to your family if you could help it.” A pause. “And, isn’t that what you did anyway? You told me where you were.”

My heart raced. “Yeah, but I also told you to _stay away_. In the dream… In the dream _I didn’t_. You came, and…”

There, I stopped, unable to finish the sentence.

_You came, and you died._

_I watched you die. Again._

_You died in my arms._

_And it was all my fault, and there was nothing I could do about it because I’m just a stupid, pathetic human, and you didn’t deserve it, Kieron…_

But I said none of these. Instead I pursed my lips together into a thin white line, and looked away, refusing to meet his gaze any longer.

“And what?” he asked.

_Don’t make me say it._

Saying it made it more real.

I could still smell the blood thick in the air, metallic like pennies. Could still feel sticky blood on me, still felt his hair tickling my face as I crushed him to me, could still hear his dying, choked breaths…

It was too real.

I didn’t realize I was clutching the sheets so tightly until my fingers ached from my fierce hold. I loosened my grip, and exhaled slowly.

“And what, human?” he asked again.

“You came,” I murmured, closing my eyes, “and you died.”

“I what?”

“You _died_ ,” I whispered brokenly, the memory too sharp in my mind. Too sharp, too vivid, too _real_. Watching the light fade from his eyes… listening to his rasping breaths… blood on his lips… the way he sagged and choked and coughed…  because of _me_. “You died, Kieron, and it was all my fault.”

“Well…” Kieron said slowly, calmly, “I’m still here. I’m not dead. I didn’t die.”

“In the dream, you did,” I told him quietly, eyes still closed tightly. “And it was _my fault_. I called you there. I chose _my family_ , and you _died_.” I exhaled shakily. “I’m _so sorry_.”

“What else could you have done?” he asked, far too understanding. “Kept quiet, and let your family die? You know you couldn’t do that.”

“But you _died_ ,” I said, because he wasn’t understanding. He didn’t understand what that did to me. “You were _gone_ , Kieron, and there was _nothing I could do_ … And then… and then I was back in that barren wasteland in my mind, because you were _gone_ , because _I failed_ , and…” I sucked in a ragged breath. “But then that voice said to do it differently, choose a different choice… and I only got one chance. Then I woke up, and it was like it… like it started all over, and I had a chance to save you.”

“Voice?” Kieron asked, frown evident in his voice, but I kept my eyes closed as I focused on calming my racing heart. “What voice? Perez?”

“Not Perez. This voice was different, somehow. I don’t know. I wasn’t in the best mindset then. But then they said to do it over, and I had one chance to fix things, and I woke up when that nightmare started, with John knocking on my door.”

“And that’s when you contacted me,” Kieron said.

“Yeah.”

“Hmm…”

“What?” I asked, finally opening my eyes to glance at him. He wore a thoughtful frown. “What is it?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re lying,” I said, frowning. “What is it?”

“That just kind of sounds like Omega,” he said finally, before he shook his head. “But that’s crazy.”

“Omega?” I asked, confused, my frown deepening. “What’s that mean? Who’s that?”

I hadn’t heard of an ‘Omega’. Come to think of it, though – Kieron _did_ say Alpha sometimes… I just thought it was their god or something. Or maybe it was a perpetual thing, as I’d only heard perpetuals mention this ‘Alpha’ thus far. Perhaps Omega was related to that? But how? Why? It didn’t make any sense.

“Kieron, I really need some answers here,” I said quietly, watching him and the way he stared at the ground, contemplating. His lips pursed into a thin line; he wanted to tell me. I could feel it. But he held back anyway, and I really needed him to just tell me. I couldn’t handle secrets right now. “Please, Kieron.”

He exhaled loudly, the breath blowing from open lips as they ceased pursing. His gaze slid toward me. I swallowed, looking into the deep pools of blue. I remembered the light fading from his eyes. Remembered it so vividly. But it wasn’t real; it was a nightmare. It didn’t happen. Couldn’t happen.

_He’s safe. He’s here._

“Tell me, please,” I said again, watching him. “Please.”

“Omega is the god of death,” Kieron finally said. “All succumb to his embrace eventually. Alpha is the god of life. Perpetuals are eternal; we do no succumb to death, so there is only life. There is only Alpha. It is our god by default, I suppose.”

“I’ve heard you say Alpha before,” I told him. “But you have your own gods? I didn’t take you for a religious person.”

“I’m not,” Kieron said. “What happens, happens. It’s not ordained. It’s not from on-high. Shit just happens. Life is life. Sometimes you die in a ditch with your screams unheard; sometimes you live forever. It is what it is.”

Rather philosophical of him. A part of me knew he felt this way, but another part was surprised he spoke the words. It made sense, in a way.

I’d never been religious, but I did believe in a higher power. I had to. Otherwise, what was the point? If we just lived until we died and that was the end of it… then why suffer through life? Life could be unnecessarily painful sometimes. Painful and cruel. If there was no end goal… no happily ever after in the clouds… then what was the point?

I had to believe.

The Etherians had their own gods. I’d known this – or at least suspected it – but never thought much about it or asked anyone. Why would I, when I wasn’t very religious myself? It never mattered; we had other things to worry about.

But they had their own gods. Alpha and Omega. Life and death.

“So why do you think it was Omega?” I asked.

Did he seriously think a _god_ was speaking to me in my nightmare? How silly. How absurd. If their gods wanted to speak to anyone, surely it would be an Etherian or a perpetual or _something_. Someone else. Not me. Why would it be me, when I wasn’t even from Ethereal? It made no sense.

“I didn’t say I thought it was Omega,” Kieron said with a scowl. “I said it reminded me of him.”

“Why’s it remind you of him?”

“He gives death visions, sometimes,” Kieron said with a shrug. “Or that’s what they say, anyway. He gives death visions, very vivid in their horror, as a warning. Usually when the stakes are high, not for some random person wandering about. Though why he’d give a death vision about _me_ , I don’t understand. I don’t see that I rank high enough for a vision from _Omega_.”

I scowled at him. Why did he do that? Why did he have to always doubt himself? Could he not see how important he was to me?

 _Important enough that you cast him aside, and let him die? Chose for him to die?_ A part of my mind whispered.

I shivered. _No. I didn’t choose for him to die. I would never. I love him; I need him._

But I did choose. I chose my family over Kieron, and the outcome of that would forever haunt me. Even now that the nightmare was averted and Kieron was safe and whole in front of me… he had a lot of self-doubt, and me choosing my family over him had to gnaw at him, even if he said it didn’t. He said it made sense to choose my family, but in the end I tossed him aside, and he knew that.

He knew that, but didn’t mention it.

“Are you sure it was a death vision?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Nothing’s ever certain, but that’s what it sounds like. You said you had a very vivid, detailed nightmare about things that eventually did happen, except they happened slightly differently. The only change is that you knew it was going to happen, because of your nightmare. So maybe it wasn’t just a nightmare; it was a vision.”

“I’ve… had visions before,” I murmured. “Nightmares about you dying. Before…”

He sighed heavily. “Yeah, human. I know. Before I was stabbed with that blade and you tied me to your limbo.”

I’d had dreams of him dying then, though I couldn’t remember them clearly at the time. They’d all been hazy, and I woke knowing something was wrong and it involved Kieron, but until we headed for the Elders and the Reading, I couldn’t remember them clearly enough to know it was a death dream, that I was dreaming of his death. And then it happened.

“That’s not quite the same though,” Kieron said. “You had trouble remembering those. They might have been prophetic, but you didn’t remember them. Not really. And this you remember vividly. It’s different.”

I swallowed; he was absolutely right. This was different. More.

But I had no idea what to do with this information. This knowledge.

Omega gave me a death vision? Why? Why would he bother giving a human a vision, when I wasn’t even from Ethereal?

“We could talk to the Elders about it,” Kieron said, even as he frowned. “Though I don’t know how they would prove it, besides a Reading, which I know you’re not particularly fond of.”

I scowled. I wasn’t fond of Readings, no, but mainly I just didn’t want to relive those moments where Kieron was dying and dead. _Dead_. My perpetual died and it was all my fault. I lost him. I _lost_ him.

 _Never again,_ I vowed. _Fucking never again._

“I’ll think about it,” I said. “But let’s just keep this between us for right now, okay? It’s probably nothing.”

He shrugged. “Whatever you say, human.”

I had a lot to think about. Omega, death visions, Kieron…

I closed my eyes. “You’re sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine, human.”

“And my family?”

“Again, in shock but fine,” Kieron said. “A few perpetuals are going to take them back to Earth later today and set them up in a house, where they can be guarded so this doesn’t happen again.”

I nodded. “Good. This never should have happened. Weren’t they being watched? Wasn’t _I_ being watched?”

Kieron growled. I blinked, looking at him again. His expression darkened. “You should have been, yes. I don’t know what happened, but I plan to find out.”

A shiver flit down my spine. Either something happened to the perpetuals guarding me and we knew nothing about it, or they’d allowed me to be taken.

Both options were worrisome.

I swallowed. “Is nowhere safe now?”

“Nowhere was ever really _safe_ ,” Kieron said. “And weren’t you pestering me about being kept safe?”

“I’d like _somewhere_ to be safe, and I was mostly upset by the fact _I_ was kept safe while _you_ weren’t,” I muttered, scowling at him. He knew all of this. “I want a fucking vacation, Kieron. Away from everything. With you.”

“Nowhere is safe.”

“We’ll find somewhere that _is_ , at least for a little while,” I said softly. “And… And after this, we’re not separating again. Do you hear me?” I wouldn’t be torn from his side again. I wouldn’t let him leave me behind again. We needed to stay together.

Kieron stared at me for a long moment, before his lips pulled back into a small smile. “I hear you.”

 


	48. All These Worries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It takes time to heal, for better or worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter for this story. I know you might hate the ending, but it is what it is. I do have vague plans for a fourth and final story, but I honestly have no idea when I will get to that. I'm kind of burnt out on these two and have been for about half this book, if you haven't noticed with the random updates, declining trend in the characters... I don't know. I still love them and this series to death, but I have been working on it nonstop since January 2012. That's 5 long years. I think it's time for a break. 
> 
> I know the story is shit, the plot is all over the place, and the characters are sub-par, but this was only ever created for fun, nothing serious. If I ever feel like going back and editing, rewriting and fleshing out plotlines and characters, I'll do that, but honestly I wouldn't hold my breath. That would be a complete series reboot and I wouldn't even consider it until it's completely done, so well after the fourth book was finished. As I haven't even started it, and it takes about 13 months to finish these stories, each... yeah. We'll see. But don't hold your breath.
> 
> I have further notes at the end. Please read them, if you wish. 
> 
> It's been a long, fun ride. I'm happy to have shared it with you. Comments are love, as always; they really do keep me going. <3

Chapter Forty-Eight: All These Worries

 

I thought Lacy would be angry with me for keeping her in the dark. Be angry with Tommy, too, for also keeping her in the dark. She knew something was wrong and he wasn’t telling her; I hated that I was the reason she felt that way, but she was safer not knowing… at least, that was what I thought. Now, she told me that had she known, she would have been more cautious and would have known what to look for, and it was wrong of us to keep her in the dark.

I thought she’d be angry, but she was mostly tired, and worried. For me, for Kieron, for herself and her family… They’d have to move, and have perpetuals watching them more frequently and closely, but at least now she wasn’t left in the dark. She knew what was happening, and she knew how dangerous it was for me and Kieron.

She hugged as both so tightly, and told us to keep in touch no matter what, and let her know we were okay or she’d never be able to sleep she would be so worried. We promised, and then Bekkah took them through the gateway and out of Ethereal. He would help them pack and secure a new home where they’d be safe, and then he’d return once that happened. He’d be gone for at least a month, we assumed.

Kieron and I were going to go, but Bekkah convinced us not to. Alona was still training with Kieron, to teach him better shields, and we both needed training on that, she said. Kieron said he never meant to shut me out or leave me without word from him for so long, but it was necessary for his training. He didn’t know he was going to undergo this training until a mental attack, by one of the people in the group after me, left him bedridden and with a migraine so intense he nearly couldn’t keep it from me. He blocked out the bond mid-attack, attempting to keep the attack from me, and then in the end never completely re-opened so he could focus on further training his shields on mental attacks, and keep me safe in case it happened again before he was ready. He wasn’t going to tell me, initially, about the mental attack because he knew I’d worry, but in the end he told me anyway, because I didn’t like secrets. He did it to protect me, but regretted that it caused me pain. He regretted that I suffered without him for a long time. For months.

I forgave him, because I would always forgive him. He thought he was more stable in his training now, and promised not to block me out again unless he was being mentally attacked. I told him he could share the pain, but he insisted. He could be quite stubborn, my perpetual.

Kieron told Alona about my vision, or whatever it was, of him dying. Of things that happened before they truly happened, and how I altered it. She was very fascinated, and said she’d ask around for further details, but it might be a bit before we received answers from anyone, as the Elders were scattered at the moment, attempting to reign in the outlying perpetuals to create better battle plans and defense strategies. They would also need to replace Dettere, since he was dead. That had been thrown to the backburner so far, with everything that had happened and was still happening, but he would need to be replaced. They would have to choose a new Elder. There were whispers Alona might take his place, since she was trained to be Farrow’s replacement, an act on which there were still lingering questions. Farrow was still missing, possibly presumed dead, and if so Alona would have to replace him anyway, and they would need yet another to replace Dettere.

Ashere wouldn’t talk to anyone, not even Kieron. Kieron appeared stoicly impassive when Ashere ordered him from the room and told him to leave him alone, but the bond was open, and I knew better. This bothered him. For centuries, Ashere had been a steady presence in Kieron’s life; he’d never ordered him away before. This upset him, though he would never show it.

I could understand Ashere’s reluctance to have anyone near him right now, though. He lost a leg, and as time passed there was little hope of it growing back or fixing itself. He could be without a leg permanently now. He’d have to learn to walk again, with a prosthetic if they could wrangle up enough people to make him one, or he’d have to use crutches. He was still adjusting to everything, and probably more than a little bitter about it, and thus he ordered Kieron, and everyone else, away. He just needed time. Time to adjust, time to heal, time to accept what happened to him.

Kieron needed time, too. Time to also accept what happened to his closest friend, and accept that he might never be the same.

There was a small part of him that also worried if Ashere blamed him. Blamed us. I shared the sentiment; it was my fault Ashere was involved as he was, after all. It was my fault he got hurt. If I had only stopped John from attacking me… if I was stronger, faster, smarter… then maybe he would be okay now.

I didn’t blame Kieron, though. I knew Kieron blamed himself for not being there from the start, but I was the one who told him to stay away, and he did, for the most part. I told him to stay away to protect him, and Ashere got hurt in his place. Thankfully, Ashere was still alive, though, while in my dream, vision, whatever it was – Kieron died.

Even now, a week after I woke up rescued, I still felt chills every time I thought about it, every time his bloody, still body came to mind.

_He’s okay. He’s here with me._

He was okay. I was okay. We were okay. Ashere would be okay, once he accepted and healed. Once he adjusted.

It could have been so much worse.

But we were all okay, for the most part.

Lacy now knew the truth of everything. Bekkah was taking them somewhere safe. My family was safe.

For the first time in so long, things were actually starting to look up. Hope, on the horizon.

Kieron was back in my head, warm and thrumming. He was here next to me, hale and whole, safe and sound. Lacy and Tommy, and their kids, were safe. They knew everything, and they would be more cautious, and perpetuals would watch them and keep them safe.

We would have to find a new apartment, but we would be together, at least. Though, I was sad about the apartment. It was home. It was supposed to be safe, but it wasn’t, and not even because of screamers, really. Because of a human. Because of John. But then, we never really expected the screamers to use my human friends against me. I hadn’t realized how manipulative they could be until John turned on me the first time. I should never have helped him. I should never have trusted him. I should never have let my guard down.

But I did, and I couldn’t change the past.

I could only keep moving forward.

The perpetuals responsible for watching me, for keeping me safe at the apartment, were nowhere to be found. They had other perpetuals out looking for them, but so far they hadn’t found anything. We didn’t know if they’d switched sides and allowed me to be taken, or if something had happened to them. They had felt perpetuals die during those months Kieron was away, after all; perhaps that was them.

Nothing was for certain.

It left me feeling nauseous every time I thought about it. If we couldn’t trust the perpetuals on our side… then who could we trust? Would anywhere be safe? My family? Were they safe? Could we trust the perpetuals assigned to watching them?

I had to trust them; if I didn’t, my mind kept spinning in circles, with little pushes of doubt.

There was a knock at the door leading to my room. Our room. We were staying in a large cabin somewhere I didn’t recognize, next to a large river with the sound of rushing rapids lulling me to sleep every night. The door to the room pushed open as I was getting to my feet to answer it, and Alona’s head poked inside.

“They’re here,” she said.

I blinked. “Who?”

“Dettere’s replacement.”

I nodded. “Kieron out there?”

I knew he was around, but wasn’t entirely sure of his exact location.

She nodded, and I followed her out of the room and down the short hallway into the living room. Kieron stood off to the side, eying the man who would be our liaison with the Elders, and Dettere’s replacement. We always only ever dealt with Dettere and not really the other Elders; this man would now be taking his place in that regard.

The man looked ordinary enough, with short-cropped black hair and dark, earthy brown eyes. His face was pale with freckles, and his brows furrowed slightly when Alona and I entered the room. His gaze landed on me, and he stared at me long and hard. He was short, maybe around 5’5”, but in that moment I felt like he was seeing through me, seeing inside of me, and I decided he could be intimidating.

Then he smiled, the furrow disappearing. “You must be Terrence.”

“Terry,” I corrected.

“Terry,” he said with a nod. “I am Haelix.”

“Nice to meet you,” I said.

“I was saddened to hear of Dettere’s passing, but trust that I will do all I can to replace him,” Haelix said. “I am your direct link to the Elders. Although I am still in training, I have been ‘in the loop’, so to say, since we discovered perpetuals could be killed. I may be inexperienced as an Elder, but I am not completely irrelevant either.”

“I’m sure you’ll do fine,” I told him with a nod.

“I thank you.” He looked at Alona. “I have heard you are in training as well.”

He didn’t speak a question openly, but his brows lifted, hinting at what he wasn’t saying.

“I know it’s odd that I was being trained long before we realized any of us could be killed,” Alona said, frowning, “but I don’t believe Farrow had ulterior motives, at least not the negative kind. I don’t think he’s in league with Exrie. I think maybe he had a feeling it could one day happen, and thus trained me, or maybe he simply wanted an apprentice, or was wanting to one day retire so he trained me accordingly. I do not know for certain, but I don’t think he was working with Exrie. Of course, since he’s missing, we can’t simply ask him.”

I watched Kieron’s face as she spoke, and watched his eyes narrow and a shutter close over his expression. Farrow was important to Kieron, whether he’d admit it or not. I knew it was hard for him, with Farrow being suspected of such things.

I’d never met the guy, but I felt nearly the same as Kieron. I saw his memories, felt them as though they were my own, and in them, Farrow was more of a father figure to Kieron than his own flesh and blood.

Haelix nodded. “I agree with you, though I only met him a few times. He always seemed level-headed, and I don’t believe he would willingly follow Exrie.”

“And unwillingly?” Alona asked.

He shrugged. “Who can say? Times are changing. Perhaps he was captured. Perhaps he was threatened or blackmailed.”

“Blackmailed?” Kieron asked, frowning. “What do you mean by that?”

Haelix frowned. “I’m sorry, I misspoke. I shouldn’t have said that. It is not for me to discuss, but something for you to take up with the actual Elders, and not one in training. It is not my place to say.”

I sighed heavily; he wouldn’t say everything because he was probably sworn to secrecy, just like everyone else. What was with perpetuals and secrets? The Elders and secrets? It just made everything so much harder. Kieron looked like he wanted to argue, but then exhaled loudly and nodded. He understood what it was like with the Elders; they swore him to secrecy a lot, too.

I hated the secrecy, so very much.

Haelix looked at me, sharp brown eyes focusing on me. “A group of Etherians are after you; a few groups of people, all part of one larger movement.”

I nodded. “Yeah, they tried to kill me,” I said, remembering the pain and the way it felt like I was dying. I did die for a few minutes; my heart stopped and everything, but Kieron brought me back. He always saved me. “Kieron and the others were hunting them down, last I heard.”

Haelix nodded. “Yes, I was told about that. Dettere was overseeing it. He was also searching for information on the whereabouts of Exrie, but that was before he took you. We’ve searched the area you were kept, but it appears he was moved out. All he left behind was a prisoner.”

I shared a look with Kieron and Alona. “We weren’t told anything about a prisoner, or about any of this.” At least, I wasn’t informed of it, and Kieron and Alona looked confused, too, so I didn’t think they knew about it either.

“We searched the place he kept you and your family, and found it cleared out save for a few screamers and a solitary prisoner in the dungeons. We freed them and they are currently in our custody for questioning, but so far they are unwilling to speak with anyone.” Haelix’s eyes slid toward Kieron. “Except you.”

Kieron frowned. “What?”

“The prisoner refuses to answer any questions unless they are asked by you, and Terry.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” I said. “We don’t know them. They don’t know us. Do they?” I looked at Kieron. “Was someone you know captured?”

“Not that I know of,” he replied, shaking his head.

“Regardless, they say they will only speak to you two,” Haelix said.

“Do you know their name, at least?” I asked.

“No.”

“Are they a perpetual?”

“Yes, according to preliminary test and pheromones.”

“Pheromones?” I asked, looking at Kieron.

“Perpetuals smelled differently than other Etherians,” Kieron said. “Just like you humans smell differently to us, but still all have the distinct scent of being human. Most Etherians can’t smell it, but perpetuals have sharper noses than a lot of them, and we know what our own kind smell like.”

I nodded; that made sense. “Alright, so they’re a perpetual, but you don’t know who they are?”

Haelix shook his head. “The Elders don’t seem to know. They want to do a Reading, but the prisoner refuses, and says they will only speak to you two. Considering they were a prisoner of Exrie, they have been through enough already, so the Elders are reluctant to simply do a Reading against their will if they are willing to speak with someone.”

“Alright,” I said. “So we have to talk to this prisoner.”

xXx

We would begin our journey to Tephyr, a city a few days away, in the morning. Haelix would sleep on the couch, while Alona slept in the second bedroom, and Kieron and I held the master bedroom. The cabin was large and spacious, but held few rooms. That meant the rooms were large, but there were only two of them, a luxurious bathroom with a shower I loved, a modest living room and lavish kitchen complete with a dining area off to one side of it.

It was late, but I couldn’t sleep. I had too many thoughts running rampant in my mind. Too many little worries pricking at my brain.

I tried to shove them away, but sadly, it didn’t look like I’d be sleeping tonight.

Kieron sighed next to me, startling me as I wasn’t aware he was awake. “Sleep, human.”

“I can’t,” I told him.

“Why not?”

“I don’t know; my mind won’t let me,” I said. “I know, I know – us silly humans.”

He snorted, and sat up next to me. “Anything I can do?” he asked almost hesitantly.

“Not really,” I said. “I’m just worried about a lot of things. About my family, about us, about the war, everything.”

“Aren’t you the one telling me it will be okay?”

I smiled tiredly. “Yeah, I know.”

“And yet you’re always the pessimist.”

“Maybe.”

He sighed. “It will be okay.”

“See, I want to believe that, and I guess I do in theory, but…” I sighed heavily. “It’s just in my nature to worry, I guess.”

“Maybe,” Kieron agreed. “I wish you would stop.”

Silence followed his statement. He sighed.

“I mean – I wish I could ease your mind. It seems like you’re always worrying.”

“I am,” I said quietly. “But it’s not because of you. I mean – I worry about you, but it’s not your fault.”

None of this was his fault.

“I’m… sorry, I didn’t contact you for months,” he said.

“I know you are.”

“When the mental attack came… I was unprepared for the onslaught,” he said. “I was trained to defend myself against Readings, and keep things to myself, but an invasion of that sort… I don’t know where it came from, but it immediately sought out the bond. I had to partially close it to protect you, or it would have gone to you too. That’s what it wanted.”

I nodded; I knew all of this. He didn’t have to tell me, but I appreciate his words nevertheless. “I understand why you did it, Kieron. I just… you don’t know what it was like for me, those three months. I was worried about you, and I didn’t know what to do with myself, but that’s my fault, I guess. I need to stop worrying so much.” I inhaled slowly. “I know you can take care of yourself; I know you’re a fighter, and you’re trained in combat and everything, I just… I worry, because I care. Can you understand?”

He was silent for a moment, before he sighed. “I know. I understand. I care about you too, and I was worried about you, too.”

I looked at him in the darkness, at his outline, shocked. “You… were?”

“Yes, I was,” he said, almost reluctantly. I knew he didn’t like talking about this, about his feelings, but I always enjoyed it and appreciated it when he did. “I know I can be… closed off at times, but I do care. I worry, too.”

“I didn’t know,” I said. “I mean, I know you care, I just – I didn’t realize you worried about me, too.”

He didn’t act like it. He was always so focused and calm and collected. Not an emotional mess like me.

“I’m not good at showing it,” he said, seemingly understanding my thoughts even though I didn’t project them his way. “I’m trying. You have to understand I’m trying. But I’ve tried _not_ to feel for so long… I guess I forget to show it sometimes.”

“I understand,” I told him gently, resting a hand on his arm, slipping it down to entwine my fingers with his own. He didn’t pull away. Instead he squeezed my fingers, and I squeezed back. “You’ve held everything in your whole life; I know it will take time for you to change. It’s been a while for me, but to you – I mean… you’ve had centuries, you know? So it’s… going to take a while for you to… change…” I winced. “That doesn’t mean I _want_ you to change.”

“I know what you mean,” he said with a small chuckle. “Stop worrying so much.”

I exhaled. “Right, well… I just… I love you as you are, even if you can be emotionally constipated sometimes.”

“That just makes it sound horrible,” he said, though I could sense the humor through the bond.

“You know I’m right.”

He hummed.

I leaned over and kissed his cheek. He turned into it, a hand coming up to wrap around the back of my head, pulling me closer, his mouth against mine. I missed this, so very much. I missed him. I missed this closeness.

I sank into him, and his arms wound around me, holding me to him.

We stayed like that for a long time.

Eventually, I fell asleep.

xXx

Three days later, we made it to Tephyr.

The city was bright and bustling; Etherians walked everywhere, and occasionally I saw a hover-vehicle, like I did that first time I was in an Etherian city so very long ago, after the incident with the hotel and Kieron. I stared at it much as I did back then, shocked by the technology, mostly because a lot of Ethereal seemed… older. Without technology. They lived in cabins and huts and houses; they used candles more than electricity; they walked everywhere as their primary method of travel; there were no paved streets, just dirt roads and occasionally some sidewalks… it just didn’t remind me of Earth, or modern times, very much, and then something like a hover-vehicle happened, and I remembered that they _did_ have the technology… they just preferred the old-fashioned way.

They had what they wanted of modern technology, and even what humans would consider futuristic technology like the hover-vehicles, but they chose the older things. They had electricity, but liked the glow of candles more, for the most part. They had refrigerators, and modern toilets and showers, but they also had dirt roads and carriages with strange creatures hauling them instead of horses.

Haelix led us toward a large stone building in the center of the city. A few Etherians tossed us looks, some perhaps knowing I was human. Maybe they had been to some of my speeches. I couldn’t remember if we came through this town but I didn’t think so; it didn’t look familiar. It looked far more modern than any of the other places we had been, with electric lights keeping houses lit in the late afternoon, early evening hours, and hover-vehicles weaving around walking people.

We entered the building. A reptilian looking man greeted us, his eyes blinking with double eyelids. I shivered, reminded of a snake or a crocodile. He gave us directions on where to go, and we moved toward the stairs. We descended quickly, into the underbelly of the building, and then went down a long hallway. Halfway down it, Haelix stopped and faced a door, keying the lock before beckoning Kieron and me inside. We entered, and Haelix stayed in the hall.

Inside there was a man chained to the table with cuffs on his wrists. He looked up as we entered the room, and sapphire eyes latched onto us, peeking out of a pale face with dark blue-black brows and a veil of equally dark bangs.

Another shiver flitted down my spine as I was reminded of Kieron.

“Who are you?” Kieron asked, equally unsettled.

The man smiled. “You must be Kieron.” His gaze slid toward me. “And the human.”

“The human has a name,” I said. “It’s Terry. Please use it.”

The man nodded. “Of course. Terry.”

“You didn’t answer his question,” I said, frowning. “Who are you, and why did you say you’d only talk to us?”

“I was captured for talking to the wrong people,” he said, expression shuttering closed, smile fading. A darkness slid across his face. “I was kept in that cell for years. Tortured, questioned, ripped apart only to heal back together. Do you know what that’s like?”

I shivered again, running my hands up and down my arms. “That’s terrible,” I told him. “I understand you’ve been through a lot. Being Exrie’s prisoner… it’s not something I’d wish on anyone.”

“Who are you?” Kieron asked.

Light blue eyes shifted back to Kieron, and looked up and down before an almost sad expression flitted across his face. “I guess it makes sense you don’t know me, but I’d hoped you would. I guess they never mentioned me, huh?”

My spine went rigid. “Wait… you’re…”

“My name is Kaspin,” he said, still looking at Kieron. “I’m your brother.”

 

END STORY --

 

My notes were too long for the end notes section. So, here you go.

Sorry to end it here. Really, I am. But when I kept trying to write more, it wouldn't let me, so... yeah, this is the end of this story. Sorry. And as promised, notes.

 

  
The Ridian Eclipse:

  
I know when Miitha Tiaydh was first mentioned, it also mentioned the Ridian Eclipse. I never came back to this, mostly because it was just a timeframe meaning they had to hurry, and it came to pass after Kieron and Terry escaped and they were dealing with Kieron's possession and everything. It was just how long the presence, Perez, thought they had until Miitha Tiaydh was destroyed, and as you know, the others mentioned its official demise to Kieron and Terry, telling them it was gone. I never brought this back up, mostly because it wasn't that important except to act as a timeframe so they would hurry to Miitha Tiaydh, but beyond that it wasn't relevant to the storyline, really. The Ridian Eclipse is similar to our eclipses; it happens once every two centuries (204 years to be precise) and so that's why Kieron was like "oh shit the Ridian Eclipse" because he kind of forgot it was this year, since he's centuries old and timelines don't really matter to him. But, there you.

 

For Kaspin:

 

Kaspin looks a lot like his brother Kieron. Blue hair, blue eyes, animalistic perpetual. But. While Kieron's hair and eyes are the same color (except for when he's got his glowing eyes, of course) Kaspin has very, very dark blue hair to the point it looks black unless he's under the right lighting, and his eyes are a deep, but light blue color. Sometimes they change to a lighter baby blue color, depending on his mood, but of course that wasn't mentioned here.

 

Their parents:

 

Since Kieron looks a lot like him, his parents were suspicious from the get-go, wary of him from the start, but then after his animalistic tendencies started they feared the worst and assumed he was just like Kaspin, a son they'd already had issues with and who had been thrown into the Lake, so they cut themselves off from Kieron, distancing themselves immediately and sending him to the Lake for judgment. However, since the Elders don't judge children, they waited until he was an adult before they did that, and by then Farrow had taken him under his wing. Realizing Kieron might not be like Kaspin after all, Jo and Rhett tried to mend their broken relationship with their son, with mixed results. Kieron accepted them back into his life only because Kleo wanted to see him more, but he has little love for his parents despite their efforts. He still holds a grudge to this day for the way they just disowned him. He might accept them as his parents, and be civil with them, and he might even forgive them one day, but he will never forget, and he will never call them Mom and Dad, only Jo and Rhett.

 

Kieron and Terry's relationship:

 

Kieron's had a rough life, as we all know, and he's spent so long hiding from his emotions he's emotionally stunted. Kieron is over 800 years old; he's spent his whole life trying not to feel, and hiding all of his emotions, up until he met Terry. He's trying to open up, but while it's been years with Terry, that doesn't amount to the centuries he's had, so it's a work in progress for him. He's trying, and he cares in his own way, but it's always a struggle for him to show it or act on it without Terry starting the interaction because he's emotionally stunted and literally doesn't know what to do with his emotions or how to show them properly. And then Terry is messed up as well with all his worries and overthinking, and so he tries to have Kieron act first but Kieron doesn't know where the line is, what he can and can't do, what's appropriate for him anymore with all the conflicting thoughts in his head going against his teachings, and so it leaves them in an unhealthy relationship. I will try to get around to having things in Kieron's POV again to better show this, but we'll see how that goes. Terry's never had a real, steady relationship before, and he's always had unhealthy flings and friendships, so he's not sure what he should do either, so he panics a lot. And Kieron's not the best at offering explanation because he's never had to really explain things to anyone before, because it's always just been himself and a few occasional flings who he didn't have to answer to. They're both in a delicate situation, and trying to balance it but of course things don't always go as planned.

 

Lacy and Tommy:

 

Tommy hates that Terry is involved in any of this, but won't try to talk him out of it again. He accepts that Kieron does care about Terry in his own way, and admits that part of his dislike of the perpetual is because he's an overprotective big brother who can't come to terms with the fact he can't always protect his little brother. Lacy feels betrayed that she was left out of everything for so long, but mostly she's just worried. She'll certainly have words with her husband once they get home, but in the end she's just glad everyone is okay, and is worried about Kieron and Terry caught in the middle of everything, as well as she's worried for her family. She has agreed to not tell Terry's father, although a protective unit is being sent to watch him too.

 

I hope that clears some things up. I'm sorry I couldn't better explain it all within the story itself, and that everything might be all over the place, but this was just written for fun and I don't take it that seriously. Maybe I'll get around to fixing it one day, but... again, don't hold your breath.

 

For now, this story is complete and I hope to see you in the next installment, tentatively entitled "Almost Human". Thank you all so very much, again. It's been a fun ride.

 

 


End file.
